tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-165669112024-03-13T07:24:47.116-07:00Max (and other strangeness)The fatter, shorter, less dead, less famous, less beardy, less presidential, & hatless Abe Lincolniamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-59499153284053219112017-05-04T10:11:00.000-07:002017-05-04T10:25:39.555-07:00The REAL Suicide Squad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A far more complete answer, and more interesting one, is what order do they all die in?</div>
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Let's take a classic story, done many times, where literally every character in it dies. I'm thinking Agatha Christie's 'And Then There Were None'. </div>
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Okay, to get to a full 10 cast, let's expand it to:</div>
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1 Kenny</div>
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1 Sean Bean</div>
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1 Mrs. Seagal</div>
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2 Red Shirts (need more women in the cast, so they'll be two female red shirts: Ensign Vicks & Ensign Wedge)</div>
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2 Black Guys (Both played by Mykelti Williamson, as both Bubba from Forrest Gump, and Baby-O from Con Air, voted most likely to be near-death in a white protagonist's arms 1994-1997)</div>
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3 Orcs (named Shemp, Shemp, & Shemp)</div>
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Okay! Let's get this rolling!</div>
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10 people invited to strange mansion on an island, no one sees anything weird or suspicious about it, blah, blah, blah.</div>
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Host is absent, but dinner is prepared. They sit down to eat when a mysterious voice echoes from a record player, accusing each person guilty of causing a death.</div>
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Then, someone dies from drinking poison! Sounds like a red shirt death to me.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"One choked his little self and then there were nine"</span></span></div>
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So that answers the original question from the start. A red shirt is most likely to die before we even find out anything significant about them. We'll say it's Ens. Vicks.</div>
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The boat's gone, and there's no way to escape! Oh well, let's all just individually go to bed in our rooms. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"One overslept himself and then there were eight."</span></span></div>
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Poisoned while asleep, and discovered dead in bed? Sounds like a Mrs. Steven Segal death to me. He discovers the body, vows revenge and...visits a modern dictator or something, I don't know. I don't watch those movies.</div>
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The cast continues to be strangely unconcerned with all of this, and just sort of mill about the mansion getting picked off, not even bothering to stay in groups. Sounds like orcs to me.</div>
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"Only two murders, so nothing to worry about. Do da do..."</div>
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So three in a row:</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"One said he'd stay there and then there were seven."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Heavy blow to the head...doesn't exactly match the rhyme, but whatever.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"One chopped himself in halves and then there were six."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Died while chopping wood. Okay, a bit more on topic.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;">"A bumblebee stung one and then there were five."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Poison needle. I'll accept it.</span></span></div>
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So the foolish wandering Orcs are all dispatched, and now FINALLY, the survivors think to lock up the dangerous weapons. One person's gun is missing, because when you're trapped on murder island, you LEAVE YOUR GUN LAYING AROUND.</div>
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This may not be as good a book as people remember. This is 'Friday the 13th camp counselor' level survival skills.</div>
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Let's hide behind the chainsaws!</div>
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Okay, then a person's found shot in the head and pronounced dead...that's a little more gruesome than the others. I'm gonna assume that one's Kenny.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"One got in </span><span style="color: black;">chancery</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> (was summoned to court) and then there were four."</span></div>
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That leaves Sean Bean, Bubba, Baby-O, and Miss Wedge.</div>
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They then split up again...seriously? I guess so. If the Walking Dead is any indication, modern movies/shows are going to start killing minorities off when they reach about 50% of the total remaining cast, so we'll say Bubba mysteriously disappears. Could he be the murderer...?</div>
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Poisoning with shrimp, stabbing with shrimp, shooting...</div>
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Shortly afterwards, another person wanders off for no reason, which sounds like a 'red shirt' move to me, so there goes Miss Wedge, crushed by a giant bear-shaped clock.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"A big bear hugged one and then there were two."</span></div>
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Wait, two?! That's right, it turned out Bubba was killed earlier, and then found drowned!</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"A </span>red herring<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> swallowed one and then there were three."</span></div>
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I'm going to assume he lives for a few more seconds, just to die in Sean Bean's arms.</div>
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This makes Sean Bean the aforementioned white protagonist, who knows he's not the killer, so he shoots Baby-O.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"One got frizzled up and then there was one."</span></div>
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Nic Cage isn't here to protect you now!</div>
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And then Sean Bean, overcome with guilt and grief, walks into the house and hangs himself, with the noose suspiciously prepared for him.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"He went out and hanged himself and then there were none."</span></div>
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So who was the true killer?</div>
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SURPRISE! IT WAS KENNY!</div>
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You bastard!</div>
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Yes, he faked dying, which means the doctor character REALLY sucked at telling if someone was alive or dead. All he'd have to do was inspect the bullet wound a little bit, or check extra carefully for a pulse, and the plan wouldn't have worked. </div>
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Regardless, he then commits suicide for real after writing down his deeds in a journal, and then there was truly none.</div>
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Honestly, looking back, "And Then There Were None" was pretty convoluted.</div>
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Or, going by the original title of the book:</div>
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NOTE: Stop reading if you want to keep thinking of Agatha Christie in a nice way.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T6kXsIoWB-c/WQtOfRRtzBI/AAAAAAAABwo/5cktxeCYXNoaY1VfofMW2lh2V_v2Wkp3wCLcB/s1600/th.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T6kXsIoWB-c/WQtOfRRtzBI/AAAAAAAABwo/5cktxeCYXNoaY1VfofMW2lh2V_v2Wkp3wCLcB/s1600/th.jpg" /></a></div>
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Wait, what?! </div>
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Seriously! I went to the wiki, expecting '10 Little Indians' to be the original title, but apparently even THAT was a cleaned up, more PC version of it.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fKWDUIBSI1c/WQtQrpViHpI/AAAAAAAABws/ZN8Ph30LuZwzlVWdguHlroEnv1w5SmPhACLcB/s1600/Ten-Little-Indians-292300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fKWDUIBSI1c/WQtQrpViHpI/AAAAAAAABws/ZN8Ph30LuZwzlVWdguHlroEnv1w5SmPhACLcB/s320/Ten-Little-Indians-292300.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
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Agatha Christie: "I don't know, it just doesn't have the same ring to it..."</div>
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What the hell is wrong with you, Agatha/England?!<br />
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I'm just going to assume that Agatha got drunk on box wine, and sent the original title in as a joke, but the publishers had to all look at it and say:<br />
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"Yes, that is a title a reasonable human being would give to a mystery novel. I certainly don't need to have some deep introspection over this decision."<br />
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In fact, that gives me an idea for a reboot!<br />
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England, 1939<br />
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The 10 member of the Collins Crime Club publishing company all sat down for dinner, when the lights went out, and a mysterious voice began to speak from a record player...<br />
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<br />iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-5250453363572576622017-04-12T10:37:00.001-07:002017-04-25T07:55:31.336-07:00Guardians of the Galaxy "Worst Universe" Soundtrack Challenge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jWzzg2m7-6M/WO5TAcUw_-I/AAAAAAAABuQ/BGhULbHMt-kdAkJb4gzfk-ALqptipNe9gCLcB/s1600/guardiansofthegalaxy2-teaserposter-full-highquality.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jWzzg2m7-6M/WO5TAcUw_-I/AAAAAAAABuQ/BGhULbHMt-kdAkJb4gzfk-ALqptipNe9gCLcB/s320/guardiansofthegalaxy2-teaserposter-full-highquality.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
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(You can listen to the entire playlist on youtube right here: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgTBsjMv0U7A5Melihsgt6U0qg2theCFZ" target="_blank">click if you dare</a>)<br />
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Can't wait for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2? Congratulations! You've been successfully Voight Kamff'd.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pikIu7Usm30/WO5S2jnmR-I/AAAAAAAABuM/BcJk2RlRw0o1ROCCgnnFSncasICWfiIlgCLcB/s1600/blade%2Brunner%2B2%2B%2Bmovie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pikIu7Usm30/WO5S2jnmR-I/AAAAAAAABuM/BcJk2RlRw0o1ROCCgnnFSncasICWfiIlgCLcB/s320/blade%2Brunner%2B2%2B%2Bmovie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Want to watch Baby Groot do something cute? No? (Deckard shoots them)</div>
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One of the best things I remember about the first Guardians of the Galaxy is how it mixed its classic 60's-70's soundtrack through it, adding a great retro-feel to the movie, while still presenting an exciting modern space adventure story. It hit all the right buttons, and worked perfectly. </div>
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Long story short: everyone loved it, and we now all own some sort of baby Groot toy.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8XycARFvkso/WO5UAZYkmjI/AAAAAAAABuY/0_Tr_PCUzb0Jqcu2KkJMP2voTqrILmwUQCLcB/s1600/885291037876229960.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8XycARFvkso/WO5UAZYkmjI/AAAAAAAABuY/0_Tr_PCUzb0Jqcu2KkJMP2voTqrILmwUQCLcB/s320/885291037876229960.png" width="305" /></a></div>
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Or several.</div>
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In a couple weeks, they will release the official soundtrack list for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and while we wait, a thought came to me:</div>
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What's the worst possible scenario? </div>
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To make things interesting, let's stick with the same years of the songs in first soundtrack, use songs that were also popular in America at the time, and keep the same track order. </div>
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In short, in some other poor alternate timeline, the following soundtrack will accompany Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.</div>
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Imagine this:</div>
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You turn the soundtrack on, and instead of starting with "Hooked on a Feeling" by Blue Suede (which more than any other song in the album, would become synonymous with Guardians of the Galaxy), instead you're treated to:</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zdBqc-UbH7c/WO5V3DuyYyI/AAAAAAAABuk/ep9s_KjiNxIXDhx7XqDoYGNagRMfuBsMACLcB/s1600/41AT4SPKCHL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zdBqc-UbH7c/WO5V3DuyYyI/AAAAAAAABuk/ep9s_KjiNxIXDhx7XqDoYGNagRMfuBsMACLcB/s1600/41AT4SPKCHL.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPMpeNDIGdk" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPMpeNDIGdk</a></div>
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Everyone, let's sing together!</div>
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"Oh, I don't know if I can take it! Cause it took so long to bake it! And I'll never have that recipe again! Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"</div>
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Interesting trivia: Richard Harris was the original Dumbledore in the first two Harry Potter movies, until he tragically died, publicly executed for singing MacArthur Park.</div>
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Okay, you're woozy from the seven and a half minute song about bakery mishaps, but don't worry, you've made it to track 2:</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uA-yQ6034s4/WO5XO35mtlI/AAAAAAAABus/lVKsGjWc_X0yzicJ2i6SBFULsQqqWojegCLcB/s1600/amer-pie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uA-yQ6034s4/WO5XO35mtlI/AAAAAAAABus/lVKsGjWc_X0yzicJ2i6SBFULsQqqWojegCLcB/s320/amer-pie.jpg" width="231" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U</a></div>
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Oh it's too late to back out now. MUCH too late.</div>
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Put together, this 16 MINUTE long 1-2 punch combo is enough alone to drive listeners mad, but those that maintain their sanity will live to see track 3:</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W8eybCEaP6c/WO5YpAfUEyI/AAAAAAAABu4/E5bImO2NmCUhvV6MzPgMxex-6cRxDXoKwCLcB/s1600/115173735.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W8eybCEaP6c/WO5YpAfUEyI/AAAAAAAABu4/E5bImO2NmCUhvV6MzPgMxex-6cRxDXoKwCLcB/s320/115173735.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FgSmdfRUus" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FgSmdfRUus</a></div>
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Many younger people may not know this one. If so, you're missing out on some "grade C" preachy, whiny 60's folk rock, from a band that never accomplished anything ever again.</div>
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Afterwards, you're confused and dismayed, but the song's mercifully short, so perhaps you're slightly optimistic when you're hit by the Osmonds.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-10SihDcak2s/WO5Z47zb7CI/AAAAAAAABvA/0bKOBsQ2exkB-qWUVBDDb7TQb6Tsks7gwCLcB/s1600/the-osmonds-down-by-the-lazy-river-mgm-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-10SihDcak2s/WO5Z47zb7CI/AAAAAAAABvA/0bKOBsQ2exkB-qWUVBDDb7TQb6Tsks7gwCLcB/s320/the-osmonds-down-by-the-lazy-river-mgm-2.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgvZMohw61o" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgvZMohw61o</a></div>
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Yeah drink that in.</div>
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Then it's off to see K.C. and the Sunshine Band's, for "Shake Your Booty".</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fM6RlmMKOSs/WO5all-OxuI/AAAAAAAABvI/blXwLURsAZEl-WxECvEVMWwaaE8jsp21gCLcB/s1600/kc_and_the_sunshine_band_ma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fM6RlmMKOSs/WO5all-OxuI/AAAAAAAABvI/blXwLURsAZEl-WxECvEVMWwaaE8jsp21gCLcB/s320/kc_and_the_sunshine_band_ma.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3fZuW-aJsg" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3fZuW-aJsg</a></div>
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Yeah, I didn't know the lead singer was white, either. Click the above link to check out a VERY awkward Soul Train episode.</div>
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The funky disco beat's very 'bottom of the barrel' continues with:</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NdlAgZ2EhaI/WO5bLLbLYyI/AAAAAAAABvQ/fm4nsx3Jc1YadtQnKZO1RjHH-N2bLuOzQCLcB/s1600/war-951-l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NdlAgZ2EhaI/WO5bLLbLYyI/AAAAAAAABvQ/fm4nsx3Jc1YadtQnKZO1RjHH-N2bLuOzQCLcB/s320/war-951-l.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ2Z_s9Uxks</div>
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My personal theory is the lead singer actually knows how to sing, but as a form of protest, he adamantly refuses to.</div>
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Now halfway through the soundtrack, we've hit a lot of dance/disco, so let's slow down the mood a little with:</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--CefAW-ZJCE/WO5cXI5bk7I/AAAAAAAABvY/zv8lSl66rYQwDzG1-Kv0ndzSfSKrDphwwCLcB/s1600/b.j._thomas-raindrops_keep_fallin_on_my_head%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--CefAW-ZJCE/WO5cXI5bk7I/AAAAAAAABvY/zv8lSl66rYQwDzG1-Kv0ndzSfSKrDphwwCLcB/s320/b.j._thomas-raindrops_keep_fallin_on_my_head%25282%2529.jpg" width="308" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT1HCQcSHW0" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT1HCQcSHW0</a></div>
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Now I'M beginning to feel nauseous, and I'm merely writing this. </div>
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But wait! It gets worse...</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NgCQgSgWvmY/WO5dvGQTW-I/AAAAAAAABvk/ssTyDrLPcHY68nqgluRL2L97I2mUb1_-wCLcB/s1600/Carlysimonmockingbird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NgCQgSgWvmY/WO5dvGQTW-I/AAAAAAAABvk/ssTyDrLPcHY68nqgluRL2L97I2mUb1_-wCLcB/s1600/Carlysimonmockingbird.jpg" /></a></div>
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Okay, I have mixed feelings at first, because Carly Simon was GORGEOUS back then. Surely nothing could change...</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b-njiBjEyMs/WO5d-6sW73I/AAAAAAAABvo/5wbdVBzjrQ8070Kg1e39Oa8jpC5zSPYtwCLcB/s1600/hqdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b-njiBjEyMs/WO5d-6sW73I/AAAAAAAABvo/5wbdVBzjrQ8070Kg1e39Oa8jpC5zSPYtwCLcB/s320/hqdefault.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WM_R-6AKHE" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WM_R-6AKHE</a></div>
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MOCK!</div>
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Yeah.</div>
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ING!</div>
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Yeah.</div>
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BIRD!</div>
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Yeah.</div>
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By now anyone with any sense or reason left within them have physically smashed their ipod to escape, but for those not so lucky we have:</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I7XGweuBFgc/WO5fLndQvtI/AAAAAAAABvw/4qZcZ__mZIs8anlc6usGM0CoTXPUVREQACLcB/s1600/Disco_duck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I7XGweuBFgc/WO5fLndQvtI/AAAAAAAABvw/4qZcZ__mZIs8anlc6usGM0CoTXPUVREQACLcB/s320/Disco_duck.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97RjuC9YeXg" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97RjuC9YeXg</a></div>
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Sadly we don't have time for parts 1 AND 2. You'll have to settle for just chapter 1 of this epic tale.</div>
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The good news you've made it all the way to track 10, and instead of Escape (The Pina Colada song) by Rupert Holmes, you have to suffer through:</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0PBfOXEelko/WO5fvmO4X-I/AAAAAAAABv4/Kv4KUBpGgncnTrz0QWJ9IC-gALGkzJ2_gCLcB/s1600/220px-Rupert_Holmes_Pina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0PBfOXEelko/WO5fvmO4X-I/AAAAAAAABv4/Kv4KUBpGgncnTrz0QWJ9IC-gALGkzJ2_gCLcB/s1600/220px-Rupert_Holmes_Pina.jpg" /></a></div>
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Just kidding. No escape.</div>
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The one misstep of the first Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack is they accidentally included one of the worst songs of the 1970's. I know many will disagree, but I scoured the hits of 1979, and trust me, there isn't one worse.</div>
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No time to argue! Something's wrong with those birds. Are they coming closer...</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B4-w4uaX9ns/WO5gcQ58mCI/AAAAAAAABwA/1FL75knKHTIv3F_APMkPP-zogXFY0PeCQCLcB/s1600/carpenters-they-long-to-be-close-to-you-am-records.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B4-w4uaX9ns/WO5gcQ58mCI/AAAAAAAABwA/1FL75knKHTIv3F_APMkPP-zogXFY0PeCQCLcB/s320/carpenters-they-long-to-be-close-to-you-am-records.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANZ1sUwg_Fg</div>
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Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Honestly, this sounds more like a gypsy curse than a love song.</div>
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(Side note: The Carpenters would have made it into this list twice, also with "Please Mr. Postman" but I decided to keep it to one track per band, instead giving "Why Can't We Be Friends" their other spot.)</div>
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I wish this carnival of nightmares ended on something a bit more horrifying than the merely tepid and annoying:</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYLOasPEw-8/WO5ipF3GEDI/AAAAAAAABwQ/3dRu6VRAZl8XanarN2-lYmcMcTonABBFACLcB/s1600/220px-Clarksubway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYLOasPEw-8/WO5ipF3GEDI/AAAAAAAABwQ/3dRu6VRAZl8XanarN2-lYmcMcTonABBFACLcB/s1600/220px-Clarksubway.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ISX9mW78Dw" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ISX9mW78Dw</a></div>
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Is it me, or does it sound like she's trying to pick up homeless drifters, and take them back to her place?</div>
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Is there any way that won't end with SOMEONE murdered?</div>
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Well, there you have it. Somewhere, in another time, place, and/or dimension, some Marvel fan's listening to this playlist, in quiet anticipation for Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2.</div>
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Somewhere, they're enveloped in horror, with one thought echoing through the hollow recesses of what used to be their mind:</div>
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Well, at least it's better than Netflix's "Iron Fist".</div>
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iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-75171421519857778982016-06-10T04:27:00.000-07:002016-06-10T04:27:01.532-07:00J.K. Rowling is Better than Shakespeare<a href="http://fantasy-faction.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/2016-JUN-Rowling-and-Shakespeare-Where-the-Red-Fern-Grows-cover-199x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Where the Red Fern Grows (cover)" border="0" class="alignright wp-image-31748 size-medium" height="300" src="http://fantasy-faction.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/2016-JUN-Rowling-and-Shakespeare-Where-the-Red-Fern-Grows-cover-199x300.jpg" width="199" /></a>Tell me if you’ve ever read these stories before:<br />
<br />
–
A young male sociopath disapproves of everyone and everything around
him, including any of his romantic interests. He changes nothing, learns
nothing, and leaves.<br />
<br />
– It’s the olden days, and terrible things are happening to good
people. Terrible things continue to happen for 200 – 400 pages. Despite
all this tragedy, there is little to no story, and no character
development. Everyone is either 100% good or 100% bad, from start to
finish. In the end, things either get marginally better, or they don’t.<br />
<br />
– Wow, what a great dog! Whoops, he’s dead. (Or every character besides the dog is dead.)<br />
<br />
– A metaphor commits a metaphor to another metaphor. Everyone is sad.<br />
<br />
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? If you went to high
school in America, I bet the answer is a big yes. In fact, I bet these
few plots encompass around 90% of everything you and I were both forced
to read in English class while growing up.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<img alt="The Great Gatsby (cover)" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-31750" height="300" src="http://fantasy-faction.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/2016-JUN-Rowling-and-Shakespeare-The-Great-Gatsby-cover-197x300.jpg" width="197" /> </div>
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I
loved reading, but I merely tolerated the classics. What I really loved
were fantasy and sci-fi stories. Not just the newer variety either. I
remember reading <em>Beowulf</em> before I was in my teens, and Terry
Pratchett’s Discworld completely took over my life during my early to
mid-20s. I won’t lie, fantasy and sci-fi is definitely hit or miss, just
like any genre. However, even in the worst cases, I almost always loved
the characters. They grew, they learned, and they had…well, character.</div>
<br />
This really matters to me, because I just re-read <em>The Great Gatsby</em>,
which I remember slightly enjoying during my teens. Know what I found?
Some admittedly good writing, coupled with ridiculously ham-fisted
symbolism (really? the huge pair of eyes on the billboard represent God
looking at us? are you sure that’s SUBTLE enough?!), and absolutely NO
character depth or growth whatsoever. Not even from our main character,
who remains morally indignant from start to finish.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div style="padding-left: 30px;">
<span style="color: #c13b00;">“I
constantly disapprove of everything you people stand for, but I’ll still
hang out with you all, eat your food, drink your booze, generally mooch
off you in every way, and date within the group!”</span></div>
<br />
Just repeat the above until Gatsby’s dead.<br />
<br />
Listen, I’m all for supporting good literature, but it’s not the
wordiness or length of these “classics” that put people off. It’s their
DULL, unlikeable characters. Wordiness and length didn’t keep kids from
reading Harry Potter, did it?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="The Fellowship of the Ring (cover)" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-31751" height="300" src="http://fantasy-faction.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/2016-JUN-Rowling-and-Shakespeare-The-Fellowship-of-the-Ring-cover-191x300.jpg" width="191" /> </div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
We
really need to expand our horizons and incorporate some more fantasy
and sci-fi into our kids’ reading. Not only does it expand their
imaginations, and introduce memorable characters and journeys, but so
many of them are well written too. Here are some humble suggestions:</div>
<br />
– Instead of <em>The Great Gatsby</em> or <em>Of Mice and Men</em>, why not <em>The Lord of the Rings</em> for your tale of corruption, greed, and pride?<br />
<br />
– Instead of Charles Dickens, why not try Douglas Adams or Terry
Pratchett for your incredibly entertaining and well written English
authors?<br />
<br />
– Political satire that’s no longer relevant, because the government
they’re making fun of no longer exists? How about Isaac Asimov’s
Foundation series instead? I recently re-read it, and it still blows me
away. Forget lampooning specific countries, this series suggests that
ALL governments inevitably collapse (or completely transform) every
hundred years or so. Top that, Orwell!<br />
<br />
– A young person grows up during the 1800s-early 1900s? Unless they wind up in Oz, Narnia, or Wonderland, I really don’t care.<br />
<br />
– <em>Old Man in the Sea</em>? Give that sailor a Nautilus!<br />
<br />
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<img alt="20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (cover)" class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-31752" height="300" src="http://fantasy-faction.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/2016-JUN-Rowling-and-Shakespeare-20000-Leagues-Under-The-Sea-cover-187x300.jpg" width="187" /></div>
<br />
<br />
– <em>Lord of the Flies</em>? Instead, why not read…actually, I liked
that one. I remember reading it in high school and thinking: Yup,
that’s how it’d go down. “Hello, my name is Max, and I have the Conch…”
THUD! SPLAT!<br />
<br />
And finally, yes, J. K. Rowling is better than Shakespeare. Sure, the
bard had a hell of a way with words, but he had no idea how to develop
characters. Unless they go insane or die prematurely, you can be sure
every character in his plays are going to stay exactly the same from
start to finish, with nothing all that unexpected in the middle.<br />
<br />
<br />
The only Bard I want to read about, uses a bow and arrow to kill a dragon.<br />
<br />
<br />
(See the article here, on Fantasy-Faction.com:<a href="http://fantasy-faction.com/2016/j-k-rowling-is-better-than-shakespeare"> article</a>) iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-66344112792023956742015-12-10T15:59:00.002-08:002015-12-11T12:19:49.413-08:00We Don't Care that "Die Hard" is Your Favorite Christmas Movie<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gGSPP_6Dpf0/URqcOf2F0dI/AAAAAAAAAYA/BQB-4JaKsm8/s1600/die-hard-movie-poster-1988-1020275560.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gGSPP_6Dpf0/URqcOf2F0dI/AAAAAAAAAYA/BQB-4JaKsm8/s1600/die-hard-movie-poster-1988-1020275560.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
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<b>We Don't Care that Die Hard is Your Favorite Christmas Movie</b></div>
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Sorry geeks, the joke's gotten old. Yes, Gremlins and Lethal Weapon take place on Christmas too, and we don't care.</div>
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Sorry.</div>
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<a href="http://thesinglecell.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/rudolph-santa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://thesinglecell.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/rudolph-santa.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Not 'Sorry as Santa should be for ostracizing Rudolph', but sorry nonetheless</b></div>
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What we need are a new group of anti-holiday movies. Not ones that seek to destroy the holiday spirit, mind you, as it is my favorite holiday...</div>
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<a href="https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.M5459aa78cfc36b51cfe7e97785c8d7f4o0&w=261&h=231&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="283" src="https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.M5459aa78cfc36b51cfe7e97785c8d7f4o0&w=261&h=231&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>That song now in your head? <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARq6uYSsUq0">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARq6uYSsUq0</a></b></div>
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Anyway, we need movies tangentially connected to the holidays in some way, but are nonetheless NOT holiday movies at all. </div>
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I was watching the Home Alone series with my niece when a couple thoughts came to me:</div>
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1. Kevin McCallister is a stone cold sociopath.</div>
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<a href="http://www.theloop.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/ELECTRIC.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.theloop.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/ELECTRIC.gif" /></a></div>
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Just look at Kevin's expression. His dead-eyed euphoria....</div>
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2. I wondered: "What else was playing at the theaters when this came out?"</div>
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Although the second Home Alone didn't do much besides move to New York City and double the torture, the first is a holiday staple, and the number 1 movie of the year. </div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
So what went up against it? Of all those movies, which of them is the 'least' in the spirit of the holidays, but one that you can proudly claim as a 'holiday movie', having come out in the season, the same year as this holiday classic? In the case of Home Alone 1, the answer is....</div>
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<a href="http://m.cdn.blog.hu/un/universal/image/poszterek/Robot%20Jox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://m.cdn.blog.hu/un/universal/image/poszterek/Robot%20Jox.jpg" height="320" width="220" /></a></div>
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It's the far future (I'm going to assume it's also Christmas), and war has been replaced with giant robot fights between opposing nations.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IdYT62hqnCQ/U7VOmJSjuCI/AAAAAAAAHBE/G4GTT7WZBVA/s1600/robot+jox1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IdYT62hqnCQ/U7VOmJSjuCI/AAAAAAAAHBE/G4GTT7WZBVA/s1600/robot+jox1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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There is NOTHING in that last sentence that doesn't make me aroused.</div>
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And then you discover the special effects are TERRIBLE. It's not that they cheaped out or anything, as the movie cost $10 million, and that's 1990 dollars, but good lord is the action goofy...</div>
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<a href="http://img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/7b7183065554da287fa6bc176dcdcbad1436268011_full.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/7b7183065554da287fa6bc176dcdcbad1436268011_full.gif" height="176" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/d9ad1054cf4039eadb756bd4f48fb4ab/tumblr_mhgyt3X4JZ1qedb29o1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/d9ad1054cf4039eadb756bd4f48fb4ab/tumblr_mhgyt3X4JZ1qedb29o1_500.gif" height="170" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://i.imgur.com/aA2qjLQ.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/aA2qjLQ.gif" /></a></div>
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Did I mention they were serious? That's right, this isn't a dumb kids movie or brainless action flick, no this movie tackles heavy issues like geopolitics, treason, the dangers of a nuclear arms race, and illiteracy.</div>
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</div>
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Yes, you read that last word right.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
What makes this U.S. vs Soviet superpower plot even more awkward, as some of you history conscious readers out there probably noticed, is that this movie came out the year after the Berlin Wall fell, meaning they made it with the intention of hooking onto the 'Rocky 4' spirit, when suddenly the real life villain disappeared, and the movie suddenly feels more like an AU story.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Still, it ends on a positive note, with our hero and opponent reaching a peaceful ending, giving us Science Fiction's first recorded fist-bump.</div>
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<a href="http://iruntheinternet.com/lulzdump/images/gifs/80s-robot-fist-bump-thumbs-up-bros-1366585357k.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://iruntheinternet.com/lulzdump/images/gifs/80s-robot-fist-bump-thumbs-up-bros-1366585357k.gif" height="177" width="320" /></a></div>
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So how does this stand up as holiday movie? Well, definitely more peacefully than Kevin McCallister's reign of terror.</div>
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On one hand we have 'the importance of home and family', and on the other hand we have 'WE ARE ROBOT JOX! WE CAN LIVE!'.</div>
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Yeah, gonna call this one a tie.</div>
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...</div>
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<a href="http://athenacinema.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/the-muppet-christmas-carol-1992-large-picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://athenacinema.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/the-muppet-christmas-carol-1992-large-picture.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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Now, Muppet Christmas Carol is one of my all time favorite holiday movies, and possibly my favorite versions of the Christmas Carol overall.</div>
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<a href="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d5/31/8f/d5318f5b015e7c8c2676151850a2886d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d5/31/8f/d5318f5b015e7c8c2676151850a2886d.jpg" /></a></div>
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What of it, Alastair? What you gonna do about it?</div>
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I've ranted on it before, but Gonzo/Rizzo together is comedy gold.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7QiEb3qKm9U/Txu28rQfs7I/AAAAAAAAJaM/V_r6ko4DlOw/s1600/Gonzo+and+Rizzo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7QiEb3qKm9U/Txu28rQfs7I/AAAAAAAAJaM/V_r6ko4DlOw/s1600/Gonzo+and+Rizzo.jpg" /></a></div>
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And adorable together, if you ask me.</div>
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This, coupled with Muppet insanity and a surprisingly serious (and amazing) performance from Michael Caine. Overall, it's one of my favorite movies.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c6/ea/8f/c6ea8f2ffd9083e1d026be0e8ce2ba62.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c6/ea/8f/c6ea8f2ffd9083e1d026be0e8ce2ba62.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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WATCH THE EXTENDED EDITION. Theatrical edition cuts out this song (and thus has no soul)</div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO_Y5lzSLZI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO_Y5lzSLZI</a></div>
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<br /></div>
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But if you're not in the mood for the Muppets, you could instead take your family to see the holiday season classic that played in theaters at the same time....</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9QEUouIJqbU/UeHAjE6ibRI/AAAAAAAAB_s/ErMMCcTcP5U/s1600/the+crying+game.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9QEUouIJqbU/UeHAjE6ibRI/AAAAAAAAB_s/ErMMCcTcP5U/s1600/the+crying+game.jpg" width="285" /></a></div>
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Okay, now things get a little awkward. </div>
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<br /></div>
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In all seriousness, I don't have too much to say, because it is a very good movie. Granted, the plot's a little thin, but the performances are amazing!</div>
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<br /></div>
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It's just that people tend to remember only it's 'secret'...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://dailycollegian.com/media/2012/10/frog.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://dailycollegian.com/media/2012/10/frog.png" height="197" width="320" /></a></div>
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SPOILER: "That frog's f*cked."</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
...and not that 2/3 of it is actually about the IRA, the kidnapping of an English soldier, and our hero been forced into an assassination plot of a judge.</div>
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<a href="http://tx.english-ch.com/teacher/jun/scorpion_and_frog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://tx.english-ch.com/teacher/jun/scorpion_and_frog.jpg" height="247" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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And a cautionary tale regarding the dangers of picking up Hitch-hikers.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Still, not 'exactly' a holiday film. So how does it measure up as a holiday movie?</div>
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Gotta go with Muppets on this one.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ng9ut--lwNE/TvTd19H6UoI/AAAAAAAAFMA/MaOlZUaju04/s1600/3.+Gonzo+Rizzo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ng9ut--lwNE/TvTd19H6UoI/AAAAAAAAFMA/MaOlZUaju04/s1600/3.+Gonzo+Rizzo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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They're the cuter couple.</div>
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Besides, I can't help but choose the Muppets movie. Want to know why?</div>
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<a href="http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120309150818/overture/images/8/88/Kermit_banjo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120309150818/overture/images/8/88/Kermit_banjo.jpg" height="223" width="320" /></a></div>
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I'm a frog. It's just in my nature.</div>
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<br /></div>
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...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
(More anti-holiday movies to come!)</div>
iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-26604724101760561442015-07-30T19:02:00.000-07:002016-06-10T04:49:30.933-07:00Very Well....I know who did it. (Clue, 1985)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z8eNCEyhADo/VbrGTbQ-inI/AAAAAAAABo8/zmf7cas0FG0/s1600/clue-movie-poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z8eNCEyhADo/VbrGTbQ-inI/AAAAAAAABo8/zmf7cas0FG0/s320/clue-movie-poster.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I bet you're wondering why I gathered you all here, into the study. It is to reveal...the murderer!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But first, a bit of backstory:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the year 1985, my favorite movie of all time “Clue” came out in theaters, and bombed. </span></div>
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<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not only were elegant comedy-mysteries out of fashion, but audiences weren’t quite sure what to make of a movie with multiple, random endings. </span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-be_k4fuFoNE/VbrGntGqVeI/AAAAAAAABpE/FENrfrkBWXM/s1600/Run-Lola-Run.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-be_k4fuFoNE/VbrGntGqVeI/AAAAAAAABpE/FENrfrkBWXM/s320/Run-Lola-Run.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;">They were 23 years too early...</b></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Coincidentally, it came out on video back when VHS tapes were usually very expensive, but since it bombed, they released Clue at a relatively low cost. It was one of the first movies released on VHS at a bargain price, so everyone bought a copy, most were pleasantly surprised, and Clue became VHS’s first cult movie.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gpu5rmTIdcI/VbrG8HFDzEI/AAAAAAAABpM/yFJN3IBk7IE/s1600/yvette2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gpu5rmTIdcI/VbrG8HFDzEI/AAAAAAAABpM/yFJN3IBk7IE/s320/yvette2.jpg" width="262" /></a></div>
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Resulting in awesome cosplay.</div>
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<br /></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">From the moment I first saw it, I adored the zany slapstick and witty banter, and as I got older I enjoyed more and more of the intelligent, dark humor that all went over my head as a child.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bJwZ0x4SxYE/VbrHmWC779I/AAAAAAAABpY/9WJsb8srZMg/s1600/clue-colleen-camp-sexy-gif_zps35596cb8.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bJwZ0x4SxYE/VbrHmWC779I/AAAAAAAABpY/9WJsb8srZMg/s320/clue-colleen-camp-sexy-gif_zps35596cb8.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;">Also, Yvette got more interesting after I reached puberty.</b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My tastes and favorite movies have wildly fluxuated over time, with only two exceptions: Batman (in general), and the movie Clue (specifically).</span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-INDqT4Z9lH0/VbrH_xVj0bI/AAAAAAAABpg/7mG9spZ6LLg/s1600/star_wars_x-wing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-INDqT4Z9lH0/VbrH_xVj0bI/AAAAAAAABpg/7mG9spZ6LLg/s320/star_wars_x-wing.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;">Okay, and Star Wars.</b></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iycK6Fvwlh0/VbrImmb67SI/AAAAAAAABpo/jFtAVR1Y8Ok/s1600/battle-bots-o.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iycK6Fvwlh0/VbrImmb67SI/AAAAAAAABpo/jFtAVR1Y8Ok/s1600/battle-bots-o.gif" /></a></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">AND fighting Robots. FINE.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course I’m not alone in loving Clue, as the movie has nothing short of a ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ level of fan obsession surrounding it (Tim Curry strikes again), and yet despite all the love for the movie online, there really isn’t much disagreement over the continuity or plausibility of the events of the film, or any online noteworthy articles written about the movie.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So this is where I step in. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KHy57oqvGms/VbrJRNm3b9I/AAAAAAAABpw/gcISUByEyMo/s1600/7809-3586.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KHy57oqvGms/VbrJRNm3b9I/AAAAAAAABpw/gcISUByEyMo/s1600/7809-3586.gif" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;">We seem to have a disagreement....</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(If you haven’t watched the movie Clue, go do so now. Tim Curry alone makes it well worth your time. And as a bonus, if you’re into gorgeous, elegant women showing cleavage, it’s an embarrassment of riches.)</span><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a Clue fanatic, I feel I am one of the most qualified people on the web to make 2 bold statements:</span><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I find every actress in this movie VERY attractive. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.2399997711182px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.2399997711182px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--VOI_lWIfiA/VbrMXKmu5FI/AAAAAAAABp8/Np0-0NQftXs/s1600/tumblr_lkpavlfquU1qa7rmho1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--VOI_lWIfiA/VbrMXKmu5FI/AAAAAAAABp8/Np0-0NQftXs/s320/tumblr_lkpavlfquU1qa7rmho1_1280.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
WOW</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ItOtVBqZBfA/VbrMg6Xk9RI/AAAAAAAABqc/OumBY-GLffw/s1600/MV5BNjU1NTAyMDczMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTU1MjgxNA%2540%2540._V1._SX640_SY971_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ItOtVBqZBfA/VbrMg6Xk9RI/AAAAAAAABqc/OumBY-GLffw/s320/MV5BNjU1NTAyMDczMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTU1MjgxNA%2540%2540._V1._SX640_SY971_.jpg" width="210" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
YES</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bE4dHwXQNfc/VbrMZDN9HFI/AAAAAAAABqE/Sm2RzIOcPpM/s1600/clue-the-movie-04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bE4dHwXQNfc/VbrMZDN9HFI/AAAAAAAABqE/Sm2RzIOcPpM/s320/clue-the-movie-04.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
INDEED</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7zXM8Apk2Po/VbrMaXeKU_I/AAAAAAAABqM/m0UOMdzKSj8/s1600/madeline-kahn-GC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7zXM8Apk2Po/VbrMaXeKU_I/AAAAAAAABqM/m0UOMdzKSj8/s320/madeline-kahn-GC.jpg" width="257" /></a></div>
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YUP</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N-dgTIjyEqA/VbrMc_K9eCI/AAAAAAAABqU/13ljm-M9rg4/s1600/mrspeacock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N-dgTIjyEqA/VbrMc_K9eCI/AAAAAAAABqU/13ljm-M9rg4/s320/mrspeacock.jpg" width="209" /></a></div>
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Surprisingly, yes. She's so cute!</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SUkVdGO7HXM/VbrMmcPzT6I/AAAAAAAABqk/3cgWYjnbKQI/s1600/tumblr_meuazw1cHa1qeda57o1_500.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SUkVdGO7HXM/VbrMmcPzT6I/AAAAAAAABqk/3cgWYjnbKQI/s320/tumblr_meuazw1cHa1qeda57o1_500.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.2399997711182px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.2399997711182px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a thing for weak/small chins.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.2399997711182px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<br />
<ol start="2" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">MORE IMPORTANTLY: It is implausible for either Mr. Green or Col. Mustard to have committed any of the murders. </span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OOe5cIZg_2w/VbrNy3feyeI/AAAAAAAABqw/kF4pYEs3jXU/s1600/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OOe5cIZg_2w/VbrNy3feyeI/AAAAAAAABqw/kF4pYEs3jXU/s1600/giphy.gif" /></a></div>
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I told you I didn't do it!</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A bold statement if I may say so, as it makes the 3rd ending (supposedly what ‘really happened’) impossible.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If we take the murders one by one, you’ll find that they neither of these suspects had the means or motive to kill anyone:</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">
<table style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; width: 624px;"><colgroup><col width="*"></col><col width="*"></col><col width="*"></col></colgroup><tbody>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Victim:</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mr. Green</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Col. Mustard</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Cook</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No opportunity/motive</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No opportunity/motive</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mr. Body</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No opportunity</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No opportunity</span></div>
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<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Motorist</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No opportunity</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No opportunity*</span></div>
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<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yvette</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No motive</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No motive</span></div>
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<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Cop</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No motive</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No motive</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Singing Telegram Girl</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No motive</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No motive</span></div>
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</tbody></table>
</div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By now you might be disagreeing with me, loudly retorting that Mustard had the opportunity to kill the motorist, and that every suspect had the motive to kill Mr. Body’s network of spies, but in response I present to you:</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I forgot to include ‘numbered lists’, ‘charts’, and ‘excessive apologies’ to the list of things I’ve never grown out of. Sorry.</span><br />
</div>
</li>
</ol>
<ol start="2" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If Mustard pickpocketed the key to the weapon cupboard, then he could’ve pickpocketed the key to the Lounge instead. Taking that key and just using a random weapon found in the house (plenty of blunt and sharp objects around) makes infinitely more sense.</span></div>
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</ol>
<ol start="3" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EVEN IF for some unfathomable reason he DID pickpocket the key to the weapons as the 3rd ending suggests, it doesn’t explain how he did all of the following in about 2 minutes (3 minutes tops): gather and destroy all the evidence, acquire the wrench, correctly guess that a secret passage to the Lounge existed (even though there was nothing suggest there was one), search the entire ground floor, find the secret passageway in the conservatory, murder the motorist, and make it back before Scarlett suspected anything. All this, while being noticed by absolutely no one, BEFORE the lights went out. It’s simply not plausible.</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1aceREN7u0k/VbrOUpX_HZI/AAAAAAAABq4/oP515ryN18U/s1600/clue%2B1985%2Bchandalier%2Balmost%2Bdrops%2Bon%2Bcolonel%2Bmustard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="201" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1aceREN7u0k/VbrOUpX_HZI/AAAAAAAABq4/oP515ryN18U/s400/clue%2B1985%2Bchandalier%2Balmost%2Bdrops%2Bon%2Bcolonel%2Bmustard.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;">Pretty sure he'd die of a heart attack 1/<b>2</b> of the way through that list.</b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So who could’ve known about the secret passage, and thus committed the murder?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The only people who could’ve known or guessed about the secret passageway are someone who either had advance knowledge of the house (Wadsworth, Yvette, or Scarlett in ending #1), OR whoever killed the Cook. </span>
<br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Whoever killed the cook could’ve easily accidentally stumbled upon the secret passage to the study when they put the cook’s body in the freezer. Since it was a diagonal cut across the house, it’s reasonable that the killer could’ve guessed that a symmetric passageway led from the Conservatory to the Lounge, and found it fairly easily. They couldn’t have known for certain, but it would’ve certainly been worth looking.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So who could’ve killed the cook?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Murder: Cook</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 233.75pt;" valign="top" width="390"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Mrs. Peacock</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">No opportunity</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Professor Plum</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Not quite enough time</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Yvette</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Yes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "constantia" , serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. Body</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "constantia" , serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yes, but unlikely</span></div>
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<br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Mr. Body, however, is v</span></b><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">ery unlikely to be the murderer. Yes, he could've darted through the passageway to kill the cook, and yes, if he wanted to eliminate his spy network, he had motive. The problem is: why wouldn't he pick up the gun? </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">As long as he stayed on the floor motionless, he might have assumed that </span></span><b style="font-weight: normal;">one of the suspects still had the gun, but if he st</b><span style="font-weight: normal;">ood up to kill the cook, there's no way he wouldn't have picked up that gun.</span>
<br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;">In fact, </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">it seems quite odd that he didn't look for the gun as soon as the others left the room. Hell, after getting the gun, he could've walked right out the door. Which leads to my side theory: Mr. Body passed out when the bullet grazed his ear. Being unconscious until someone came to murder him makes a lot more sense. Speaking of which...</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
</div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mHepgRxt9WQ/VbrYfEARkVI/AAAAAAAABsg/k2Rf7y3i0Ec/s1600/tumblr_nc4cll0Due1rk0preo1_1280.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mHepgRxt9WQ/VbrYfEARkVI/AAAAAAAABsg/k2Rf7y3i0Ec/s320/tumblr_nc4cll0Due1rk0preo1_1280.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">He's attacking her!</span><b style="font-weight: normal;"><b><br /></b></b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"></b><br />
<br />
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<br />
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
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<td style="border: 1pt solid windowtext; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Suspect</b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Murder: Mr. Body in Hall</b></div>
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<td style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext; border-image: none; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Ms. White</div>
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No opportunity</div>
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<td style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext; border-image: none; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt; height: 14.9pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Mrs. Peacock</div>
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Yes</div>
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Miss Scarlet</div>
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<td style="border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
No opportunity</div>
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<td style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext; border-image: none; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Professor Plum</div>
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<td style="border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Yes</div>
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<td style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext; border-image: none; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Wadsworth</div>
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<td style="border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Not quite enough time</div>
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<tr style="height: 14.25pt; mso-yfti-irow: 6; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="-moz-border-bottom-colors: none; -moz-border-left-colors: none; -moz-border-right-colors: none; -moz-border-top-colors: none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext; border-image: none; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Yvette</div>
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<td style="border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; height: 14.25pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; text-align: left; width: 161.5pt;" valign="top" width="269"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Yes</div>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Although Wadsworth wasn’t immediately in the Kitchen with the others when they found the cook murdered, he didn’t have enough time to kill Mr. Body AND stuff him in the bathroom, so he’s out.</span><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b><b style="font-weight: normal;"></b><br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyway, since Mr. Green and Col. Mustard couldn’t have killed any of the first three victims, then those two couldn’t have killed anyone at all, because only the person who killed the Motorist AND burned the evidence (we know it’s the same person because otherwise the two people would’ve seen each other) could’ve known that all of the last three victims were spies. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course, some of the characters didn’t need to see the evidence to want to kill those victims (White, Scarlett, Plum), but none of those people were Mr. Green or Col. Mustard, therefore neither of them could’ve killed anyone, which brings us to the conclusion:</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The third ending, labeled in the movie as ‘what really happened’, is not plausible. </span><br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T7vU0DqXpZk/VbrRnp1i-dI/AAAAAAAABrg/zfqqgF9I0Pk/s1600/clue-but-heres-what-really-happened_1050_591_81_s_c1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T7vU0DqXpZk/VbrRnp1i-dI/AAAAAAAABrg/zfqqgF9I0Pk/s320/clue-but-heres-what-really-happened_1050_591_81_s_c1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But are either of the first two endings possible/plausible?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">
<table style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; width: 624px;"><colgroup><col width="*"></col><col width="*"></col><col width="*"></col></colgroup><tbody>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Victim:</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1st: Scarlett/Yvette</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2nd: Mrs. Peacock</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Cook</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Possible, but Unlikely</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mr. Body</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></b></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Possible, but Unlikely</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Motorist</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></b></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
</td></tr>
<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yvette</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Possible, but Unlikely</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
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<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Cop</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
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<tr style="height: 0px;"><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Singing Telegram Girl</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
</td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1px; border-left: solid #000000 1px; border-right: solid #000000 1px; border-top: solid #000000 1px; padding: 7px 7px 7px 7px; vertical-align: top;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the record, both the first and second endings are ‘plausible’. Neither ending, however, is perfect. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For example, why would Yvette kill the cook so early in the 1st ending? Miss Scarlett would’ve had to have given Yvette the ‘kill order’ before they even began revealing everyone’s secrets in the Study. </span><br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In order for THAT to make sense, Scarlett must’ve planned to kill Mr. Body and all the accomplices from the start, but in order for her to know the accomplices were all coming, Wadsworth would’ve had to have told Yvette everything that was going to happen that night, and why would he do that?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Also, if Scarlett was that gung-ho to kill everyone, why didn’t she bring thugs with guns along, and kill EVERYONE after Mr. Body arrived? Or at the very least, why not bring a gun of her own? </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another problem with that same murder: why would Yvette risk being seen just to get the knife? It was right at the door, but she didn’t have a way of knowing that before entering. She could’ve just used one of the many knives in the kitchen. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another strange thing with the 1st ending is Yvette’s cry of ‘it’s you’ right before she’s murdered. Who else could it have been? She knew Scarlett was killing people. Hell, she helped! Yvette had every reason to be surprised at the betrayal, of course, but the exclamation ‘it’s you’ makes no sense.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is of course one possible explanation: Ms. White could’ve been the one who killed Yvette in the 1st ending. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uGCEA6ii0_c/VbrQO10ff7I/AAAAAAAABrQ/weyCVqfzl7U/s1600/5518876969769bfe1764da391bd785df.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uGCEA6ii0_c/VbrQO10ff7I/AAAAAAAABrQ/weyCVqfzl7U/s320/5518876969769bfe1764da391bd785df.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s certainly in White’s murderous character, it explains Yvette’s surprise (expecting Scarlett and instead finding “the wrath of a woman scorned”), and there’s be no point in Scarlett protesting her innocence when she’d been caught for all the other murders. Also, a rope is a real vicious and ‘personal’ way to kill someone, compared to a blow to the head, or gunshot. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6666666666667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">[EDIT]</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6666666666667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6666666666667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">My cousins Alex and Tony Wanschura, in response to this article, pointed out that you can hear Miss White screaming as Yvette's walking down the stairs. Although this doesn't make it impossible for her to murder Yvette in any ending, it does mean that Yvette has to take her time getting to the billiard room, and not just go straight there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6666666666667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6666666666667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Also, it's yet another strike against the third ending, because in that one, Miss White is supposedly the one to come down and switch off the power, but she's definitely upstairs screaming when Yvette's walking down the stairs in the dark. That doesn't make any sense at all.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Peacock’s ending, by comparison, is a lot cleaner. She figures out the cook at the mansion is her old cook, murders her, accidentally finds the secret passage way, guesses that there’s another passage for the opposite side of the house, murders Mr. Body, examines and destroys the evidence, and then proceeds to kill the rest of Mr. Body’s informants.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While she’d definitely have to be VERY spry and full of energy in order to perform all these killings, there’s only one problem: </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">HOW the hell did she chase down and murder Mr. Body, a man half her age? And WHY would he run? Why not grab a weapon and fight back against the 50-60ish year old woman? Was she really that intimidating?! </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S63YwHG4Ibo/VbrSkACTViI/AAAAAAAABro/cf_wy3dxdQc/s1600/eileen-brennans-15-best-moments-as-mrs-peacock-in-1-25912-1375220311-2_big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S63YwHG4Ibo/VbrSkACTViI/AAAAAAAABro/cf_wy3dxdQc/s320/eileen-brennans-15-best-moments-as-mrs-peacock-in-1-25912-1375220311-2_big.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;">Move over Jason Voorhees....</b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once again, there is an explanation, which would also explain ‘why a senator’s wife would need all that bribe money?’: a massive cocaine habit.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Suddenly her ridiculous outbursts, paranoia, unlimited energy, frequent trips away from the group, and ability to run down and murder a man half her age all make sense!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ouOeO-EEFqE/VbrT-nD73qI/AAAAAAAABr0/ioS-hDozNVA/s1600/tumblr_muvfdxz2Md1ra22gmo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="184" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ouOeO-EEFqE/VbrT-nD73qI/AAAAAAAABr0/ioS-hDozNVA/s320/tumblr_muvfdxz2Md1ra22gmo1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-191W88DZSnQ/VbrUPrjQVAI/AAAAAAAABr8/kqxlE5sK9_0/s1600/anigif_enhanced-buzz-1913-1375218514-34.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-191W88DZSnQ/VbrUPrjQVAI/AAAAAAAABr8/kqxlE5sK9_0/s320/anigif_enhanced-buzz-1913-1375218514-34.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So which ending should be canon? Either the 1st or 2nd works fine, but if you want my opinion, Mrs. Peacock’s ending has fewer plot holes/unanswered questions. </span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2OYlQlMJkSQ/VbrUqdzUZOI/AAAAAAAABsE/3zc9q8cp-w8/s1600/400px-Clue_EBrennan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2OYlQlMJkSQ/VbrUqdzUZOI/AAAAAAAABsE/3zc9q8cp-w8/s400/400px-Clue_EBrennan.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Besides, I love 'evil' Mrs. Peacock.</div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course, Scarlett’s ending’s by far the funniest, so choose what you will. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nRl9PCpWqZ8/VbrVCPs8vUI/AAAAAAAABsM/lar-R66uGps/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-03-24-21h07m53s150.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nRl9PCpWqZ8/VbrVCPs8vUI/AAAAAAAABsM/lar-R66uGps/s400/vlcsnap-2011-03-24-21h07m53s150.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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One plus two....</div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just be warned:if you claim the 3rd ending is the real one, you better be ready to explain how Col. Mustard suddenly gained at least 2 of Superman’s powers.</span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
What? You want a definitive answer? You demand to know, once and for all, exactly WHO did it?</div>
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Fine, it was Steve Wanschura, of Ewing NJ.<br />
</div>
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Never did trust that evil goatee...</div>
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<br />iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-91366877763161280302015-01-06T20:46:00.002-08:002015-01-07T11:35:55.899-08:00Mandatory Merriment<div class="MsoNormal">
DAMN IT! I FORGOT TO POST FOR 4 YEARS!<br />
<br />
<br />
Wait...forget that, I FORGOT WATCH CHRISTMAS
SPECIALS THIS YEAR!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I can’t just ‘not watch’ holiday specials during the holidays! It just feels wrong!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This leaves me with no other option than to marathon all the important
holiday specials in a couple of days, before I take the decorations down! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">I’ll need an excessive amount of holiday cheer to make it through all these
and still be sane, so I’m raising the stakes a bit: every time I legitimately
learn a new Holiday lesson, I’ll drink a shot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">(Editor’s note: this is all pieced together from
notes taken down ‘during’ the excessive holiday cheer, so they get a bit…odd
toward the end. The views here do not necessarily represent the opinions of ‘Sober
Max’.)<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN"><span style="font-size: large;">TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.ivillage.ca/sites/default/files/imagecache/node_photo_gallery_single_view/3twas-the-night-before-christmas-3-636.jpg" height="240" width="320" /><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">RANKIN & BASS, 1974, 22 minutes</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">If you don’t remember this one, just envision mice in human clothes, and one
particular nerdy mouse in glasses and a Gryffindor scarf ruining Christmas for everyone. Do anything for you? How about this song:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">“You hope, and I’ll hurry…you pray, and I’ll plan. We’ll do what’s necessary, ‘cause…even
a miracle needs a hand!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">If this doesn’t ring any bells, the whole thing's here: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf1ozCbTF_4">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf1ozCbTF_4</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">VERY loosely based on poem of the same name…in that at the end (spoiler
alert) Christmas is saved, and Santa shows up to do his ‘jolly old elf’ and ‘deliver presents to needy children' shtick. It's sort
of like what Firemen do every Christmas season, only
without the usefulness or heroics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Sorry, I may have started off with a drink already. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Basically, the cartoon's your typical ‘people don’t appreciate Santa anymore, so Chirstmas is cancelled’ sort of movie, albeit with a bit of an Orwellian twist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">You see, everything that goes wrong in this special is a direct result of an ‘intellectual’ voicing unpopular opinions, and poking his nose where he's not supposed to. The lesson being that we can't have peace and happiness if people say things they shouldn't, things like, for example: </span>‘Santa is a myth’, or ‘our improper 1800’s sewage system is spreading disease’, or ‘women should have human rights’, etc, etc…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Anyway, here's the real lesson I learned: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">Very few Christmas cartoons and movies have minority characters in them. </span></b><span lang="EN"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">In just 22 minutes, this cartoon has 5 minority characters in it, which is more
than what all the other holiday specials I watched this year had COMBINED. Apparently, Hollywood feels that only white
people should be out of their homes in December. Say what you want about the horrible
stereotypes in the movie Santa Claus (1959, the one with Pitch the devil in it), at least non-white children EXIST
in that film. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<img src="http://www.worstmoviesevermade.com/wp-content/media/2012/12/santa-claus-1959-speaking-lips.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
Unfortunately, any points gained were immediately lost because of this.</div>
<br />
<br />
Anyway, let’s keep a running tab of how many (non-offensive) minority
characters we have in each movie. And it doesn't count if they walk by in the background, the camera has to at least focus on them. Trust me, you will not be overburdened by their number.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN"><span style="font-size: large;">GREMLINS</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img height="240" src="https://media2.wnyc.org/i/620/372/c/80/photologue/photos/gremlins.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">1984, 107 min, 1 minority (Chris Columbus movie)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">First of all, I’m not counting either of the Chinese characters because of
how stereotypical they both are and…wait, is that kid actually wearing a Yankees ‘short
round’ hat?</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsL/10590-7740.jpg" /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Holy crap! Neither movie even takes place in New York City! I'd say Gremlins was ripping off Temple of Doom, but the two movies literally came out within 2 weeks of each other! Is ‘stereotypical Chinese kid in Yankees
ballcap’ an 80's trope I wasn’t aware of?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Anyway, I also listed ‘Chris Columbus’ there because his holiday movies go exceptionally out of their way to not have any non-sterotypical minority characters. Hell, even the one non-stereotypical black
character in this movie conducts painful experiments on animals, and is then killed. Not exactly a positive representative there, Chris.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="217" src="https://okinawaassault.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/vlcsnap-8212643.png" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
"Great, now have the character do something evil, and then kill him." -Chris Columbus<br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Gremlins also follows the kids movie tradition of ‘all inventors being
despised by everyone’. There was a time
in the late 90’s/early 00’s where almost every kids movie had a character who
tried inventing things, and was mocked and despised by everyone outside the family who knew them.</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/gremlins-peltzer-inventions/gremlins-peltzer-inventions-piston-powered-hammer.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></span></div>
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">An automatic hammer? STONE HIM!</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Hell, the trend still continues today, with the Cloudy With a Chance of
Meatballs, Meet the Robinsons, Despicable Me, and others. Personally, I
think it all stems from creative people (for example, like ones that create these
movies) not feeling appreciated enough. Of course this somehow translates into characters developing MURDEROUS RAGE for anyone who so much as files for a patent.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Well, enough with that, let’s watch this heartwarming puppets and JESUS CHRIST!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<img src="http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/4657238/gremlin-blender-o.gif" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span><br />
<span lang="EN">GOOD LORD IS THIS MOVIE VIOLENT! I
remembered it being bad, but not THIS BAD! (I must have seen it edited for TV when I was young)</span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN">Gremlin in a blender! Now they’re
stabbing one to death! Beheading! Burning the severed head! Oh Lord…NOT THE MICROWAVE!!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img height="230" src="http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120121035624/gremlins/images/f/fa/Microwave_Gremlin.JPG" width="400" /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">(Spoiler Alert: YES, the microwave)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Wow. Apparently, the filmmaker’s goal
was to traumatize children for life. I
mean, not only is a man dressed as Santa mauled by Gremlins, they actually
reveal (spoiler alert) there is no Santa!
(see original first blog post for further details).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Also, to continue this movie's crazy train, our hero’s a complete idiot.
The man tried to hide his dog under his desk while at work! What was even the point of that?!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img height="224" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSLx5n2qrVrCVAWoWyzGl-nKp9tc0zunjhriBi7kaHlrz8-CmRwNQ" width="400" /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Okay, women love dogs. There is that.</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">He goes on to CONSTANTLY break the Gremlin rules, leaving us to wonder if
the Chinese boy had said ‘also, never point a loaded shotgun at your own head
and fire’ if we would’ve had a much shorter movie.</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131001212658/p__/protagonist/images/7/71/349883-billy_peltzer_large.gif" /></span></div>
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">I know there was SOMETHING I was supposed to do with this gun...</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
All this said, the movie is highly entertaining, albeit not because its a holiday movie, but because it's a very fun horror-comedy.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.joblo.com/images_arrownews/catesbikininotfast656.JPG" height="400" width="275" /></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://www.joblo.com/images_arrownews/pc511.jpg" height="400" width="258" /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Also, it leads to "Phoebe Cates" Google searches</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Well, time for another drink! Let’s
toast it over the movie’s most important lesson: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">Gizmo must die for the greater good.
<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<img src="http://s2.hubimg.com/u/3412875_f520.jpg" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Sorry little dude, but you have to go. </span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Taking both movies into consideration, this
cute little guy’s existence costs at least 100 lives a year<b>. </b>Our heroes need to accept that protecting
Gizmo is more or less negligent homicide. It’s time to give the little fur-ball the ‘Interview
with a Vampire’ treatment.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<img src="http://150597036.r.cdn77.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/interview-with-a-vampire1.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
Just tuck him under Kirsten Dunst's arm.</div>
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN">Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.music-bazaar.com/album-images/vol9/499/499408/2333070-big/Mr-Hankey-S-Christmas-Classics-cover.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">1999, 23 minutes, 0 minorities (where's Chef?) aside from Mr. Garrison’s offensive song, but that's pure satire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">If you’ve never seen this one, catch it on Hulu, it’s honestly hilarious,
and South Park at its top: <a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/249810">http://www.hulu.com/watch/249810</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">That said, there isn’t much of a holiday lesson here. You can only milk a poop joke for so long? Fighting hair frizzies was a lead-worthy news
story during the 70's? South Park used to
be funny?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Better just move on, before I lose my buzz.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN">Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="https://40.media.tumblr.com/44d68117b590beb62976fb35358dc675/tumblr_mwhpft3niJ1rlv2xno1_500.jpg" /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">1978, 49 minutes, minorities N/A (Muppets)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">An odd, but strangely charming Muppet special, usually forgotten in favor of the later Muppet Family Christmas or Muppet Christmas Carol. Its most odd feature is its complete and utter lack of anything remotely relating to the
holidays. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Nope, the story has nothing to do with Christmas, and neither do any of its numerous songs. The folksy tunes it does have include
topics such as: comically fat Grandmothers, washtubs without holes in the
bottom, barbecues, one random love song, general brotherhood, and being really
dangerous/destructive/awesome (by the villainous heavy metal band). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Okay, the song ‘When the River Meets the Sea’ is immensely beautiful, and
written specifically for this special no less, but (speaking to Paul Williams here, who did
all the music for the special) did a haunting melody regarding death and the
afterlife really have a place here?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<img src="http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20071127144540/christmasspecials/images/9/9c/Jugband.JPG" height="269" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Let's sing about being reunited with loved ones in death! Merry Christmas!</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Okay, we get it Paul Williams, you REALLY liked folk music. A lot more than holiday music, apparently...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">All in all, it’s more of a Mother's Day special, or just a general heart-warming
story for the family. Calling it a
Christmas story just feels weird, since the most Christmas-y thing about it is
snow in the background.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://zombiesruineverything.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/thething82_02.jpg" height="170" width="400" /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Making it as much a Christmas movie as ‘The Thing’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Which brings us to our next lesson and drink:</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">To make something a Christmas special, you just need to put snow in the
background and add either the word 'Christmas' or 'Holiday' to the title. Then it’s ‘CA-CHING’, cash city!</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">(Editor’s note: at this point, the excessive 'holiday cheer' seems to be getting a bit much for Max. The notes for the
next part is just a rambling list, ranging from random observations to paranoid
conspiracy theories.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN">Home Alone<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://themoviemash.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/home-alone.png" height="215" width="400" /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">1990, 114 minutes, 0 minorities- not even at a major
airport! <o:p></o:p></span>(Chris Columbus again) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">What the hell do the McCallisters do for a living? They have no apparent skills aside from
losing children and screaming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">The wallpaper in their house is an abomination unto the Lord. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<br />
<img src="http://betweennapsontheporch.net/wp-content/uploads/blogger/_x908CSKJhI4/TPAtXkga9_I/AAAAAAAAUl8/1HeAoWQgzgQ/s800/10.PNG" height="200" width="400" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Exhibit A</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">What the hell is with the random stuff in their basement? Okay, I can
accept a record player, but several Mannequins? A Wheelchair?
An expensive Martial Arts practice dummy? Who in the family was practicing martial
arts? My money's on the mom. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Who was going to water their plants while they were gone? Weren't they going for about 2 weeks? Those plants would all be dead when they got
back! </span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">At what point do the phones start working again? How’d Kevin order the pizza? He calls the cops on the burglars on
Christmas Eve, so it was working then. Did his family really just
stop trying after the first day? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Did a child really just sear the first initial of his last name into a
burglar’s hand?! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<img src="http://filmgenreprojects.wikispaces.com/file/view/Home_Alone-_Door_Knob.avi_snapshot_00.18_%5B2011.05.10_23.32.21%5D.jpg/227370948/Home_Alone-_Door_Knob.avi_snapshot_00.18_%5B2011.05.10_23.32.21%5D.jpg" height="211" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">That one's a big YES.</span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Is Kevin trying to outright murder these two
men?! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.blogcdn.com/www.mandatory.com/media/2013/05/04-blowtorch-on-head.png" /></div>
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Again: YES.</span></div>
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<span lang="EN">Our lesson: </span><br />
<span lang="EN"><b><br /></b></span>
<span lang="EN"><b>Seriously, where the hell are all the non-white people in Christmas movies?!<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Oh wait, we already did that lesson. Let’s go with: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><b>Kevin is enjoying his deadly ‘Saw-like’ traps a
little TOO much. Better get some early
psychological intervention.</b> </span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5ippyyAOz1r9me4p.jpg" /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">I know
just the person who can help: Dr. Lucy Van Pelt….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">(Editor’s note: At this point the notes get even
weirder, with Max drunkenly reading conspiracy in absolutely everything. </span></b><br />
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<b><span lang="EN">He even went over the past notes in pen,
adding annotations to the ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ section such as
'why wouldn't they let the clock maker back in the tower? What are the authorities hiding?!') <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN">A Charlie Brown Christmas <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ACRI9SIYL._SX940_.jpg" /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">1965, 30 minutes, 0 minorities (nope, no Franklin)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">All things considered, Lucy is actually a fairly capable Psychiatrist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">But why did Charlie Brown think that tree was adequate? Just look at it.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Who the hell are those twin girls? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<img src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/31/a7/cf/31a7cf0c9f5a54ce5c72c9d44e5af4ae.jpg" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Why is everyone so damn mean to Charlie Brown? We have a completely filthy child getting dirt everywhere, a boy who won’t talk about anything besides Beethoven, and a weird zealous kid that won’t put his blanket down, but we’re going to concentrate all our ridicule on the really depressed kid with the bad haircut?</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Now that I mention it, why does everyone accept Linus holding a blanket all
the time? Why don’t his parents get
involved?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Does Linus even exist?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<br />
<img src="http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/0/07/Meet_linus_big.gif/revision/latest?cb=20090301044429" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Wait, what?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Is Linus just a figment of Charlie Brown's imagination? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">No one ever refers to them as a pair, they’re always talking to either one
or the other, and Charlie and Linus only talk to each other when no one else is around. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<img src="http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/images/reviews/190/1200475017_1.jpg" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: center; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">That would only make sense, of course, Lucy/Sally are the same person too,
two aspects to the one girl’s personality.
That would make Sally’s crush on Linus actually just her hero worship of
her brother, and her ‘Lucy’ personality a personification of her unstable fits
of rage. </span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><img src="http://www.psychologytoday.com/files/u637/Lucy_KOs_Linus.jpg" /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">Getting a little weird here.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Does the Red Haired Girl even exist?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Does she REALLY exist, Chuck?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">If she's real, then why haven’t we ever seen her?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">What’s her name, Chuck?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">If she’s real, then WHAT’S HER NAME? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8QHA6ZewOTs/UvJrlIo3lKI/AAAAAAAAPTQ/Eok_TOCy3Hc/s400/firstkiss05.jpg" height="296" width="400" /></div>
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
The Lesson:<br />
<br />
<b><span lang="EN">Charlie Brown is a lot better when you apply Fight Club theories to it.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">*GULP*<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">(Editor’s note: at this point all the notes turn into indecipherable
scribbles. From what I can tell, it’s
about the Dennis Leary dark holiday comedy ‘The Ref’.
I can only make out a few lines.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN"><b>REF comma THE!</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e256/caker23/more%20pix/GreatishJudyDavis.jpg" /></div>
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN">Large number! Another large number! Very small number!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">STILL NO MINORITIES!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">When’s he gonna sing the ‘asshole’ song?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
They should torture that teenage kid!<br />
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN">I AM READY, WILLING, AND ABLE TO ROCK JUDY DAVIS’
WORLD!<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://static.squarespace.com/static/503f0892c4aa93dffe114177/t/52f28156e4b0f73a10a496a3/1391624535470/233065-judy-davis.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></div>
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN">I'm game if she is.</span><br />
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b>
<b><span lang="EN">...</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span lang="EN"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">(Editor’s final note: thankfully, the evening’s notes cut off there. I’ll get to the next night as soon as Max
recovers. Happy Holidays everyone!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-24734523130561921702010-10-01T10:59:00.000-07:002010-10-01T12:11:32.491-07:00I'm back from Disney World! Flying was incredibly terrifying (nothing bad happened, I was just panicky in general), the rides were awesome, the entertainment and food was top notch, the princesses where HOT, and the only downside was that the inter-park/resort transportation was too cramped.<br /><br />All in all, a really good time. Look for posts on Facebook for more. Anyway, let's finally finish the movie ranting up.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">MOVIE RANT FINALE: HARLEQUIN CHRYSANTHEMUM REQUIEM</span><br /><br />(What? I just tried to come up with the most ridiculous anime title I could.)<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1991-1998: Meh</span><br /><br />By far the biggest grouping of years yet, these years comprise most of my teens, and I have to say, it wasn't much of a decade for movies. Oh there were really good ones, but for every classic there was a 'Hook' (can you believe it made 300 million?!), and for every deeply satisfying tale there was a crappy 'famous actor' vehicle that wasn't good enough to stand up on its own (I'm looking at you, Forrest Gump).<br /><br />1992 was almost good enough to stand on its own, with Aladdin, Lethal Weapon 3, a Few Good Men, Unforgiven, and Scent of a Woman, but it's just not...enough. Besides, I had to sit through K2 that year, which was easily the most disappointing R rated movie a 14 year old could see at the time.<br /><br />1996 was also a good year for action movies, with Independence Day, Twister, Mission Impossible, and the Rock all in the same year. It was sort of a one trick pony though. If you wanted comedies you had...Cable Guy. Great.<br /><br />Some of the notable standout performers:<br /><br />Beauty and the Beast <br />Silence of the Lambs <br />Addams Family<br />Unforgiven<br />Groundhog Day<br />Nightmare Before Christmas<br />Mask<br />Interview with the Vampire<br />The Usual Suspects<br />Fargo<br />Men in Black<br />LA Confidential<br />Truman Show<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />1999-2007: 9 Years of Mediocrity</span><br /><br />You could almost sense the beginning of the 'wave' in 1999. Star Wars Episode I was about to be released. I was graduating from Brookdale and one of my fellow graduates had the 'countdown to release' on the top of his cap. <br /><br />Can you remember that? A time when the thought of the Star Wars prequels filled us all with joy and wonder? Good times, good times.<br /><br />When the wave finally crashed, we not only found ourselves with two and a half hours of mediocre crap, but a disturbing new trend. For 9 years straight, hollywood...well...stopped trying.<br /><br />Every movie was either a sequel, a remake, a movie shamelessly trying to become a trilogy, or a super hero movie. Nobody seemed to care about movies anymore. They were just something that 'happened' each summer. <br /><br />Even the great series, like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, all seemed to become routine, and failed to excite us anymore. Strong movies like Matrix, Pirates of the Caribbean, Casino Royale, Spiderman, and Transformers, were quickly followed up by mediocre sequels that just ruined the original for us as well.<br /><br />2000 was a particularly interesting year, as not only was there only a single good movie all year (What Lies Beneath), but it also seems to be the year that the Oscars got its head stuck up its ass. Remember when any movie could win awards? Now it seems that you can only win the big Oscars if nobody's seen your movie. Before 2000, there was no such thing as 'Oscar bait movies', as every movie could possibly win. Now, if you're not indie, then you might as well stay home.<br /><br />If it weren't for Pixar, I'm not sure if we would've made it through most of this decade at all.<br /><br />Some notable exceptions that weren't setups for trilogies, and terrible followups:<br /><br />What Lies Beneath<br />Monsters Inc<br />Spirited Away<br />Finding Nemo<br />The Incredibles<br />The Departed<br />No Country for Old Men<br /><br />Yup, that's it. Sad, isn't it?<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2008-present: Heath Ledger sets us free</span><br /><br />It's an absolute tragedy what happened to Heath Ledger, and worse yet, after filming Brokeback Mountain, he also went on to die young.<br /><br />Regardless, he's my personal savior, as far as movies are concerned, because he finally gave us hope. In a way, the 'wave' of trilogies/remakes/crap was continuing, as the Dark Knight was yet another trilogy bait movie, but Heath managed to transcend the genre, and his part, by pulling out all the stops, and presenting us with not only the most terrifying Joker in history, but also one of the greatest villains ever. <br /><br />It was this performance (and to some degree the tragedy) that saved us from the wave. With so much money from a single movie, people began to reassess 'success'. Sure, it was a superhero movie, but it was the amazing and unique performance which drew everyone in.<br /><br />Of course, Ironman and Twilight caused the wave to sort of continue, but in 2009-2010, Hollywood seemed more open for experimentation, resulting in Avatar, which took the world by storm, and also more thought provoking hits, like District 9, Angels and Daemons, Inception, and more. <br /><br />Even the kids movies and teen comedies (Toy Story 3 and Easy A, for example) just seemed...better. So what happened? I think I know:<br /><br />People began to yearn for new and better movies. It wasn't enough to release the same crap over and over. America (and the world) wants to be 'wowed', and the box office results prove it. Sure, they may stumble here and there (Scott Pilgrim and such), but I think Hollywood gets it, so I have a good feeling that next summer will be one of the absolute...<br /><br />Oh wait, they're just re-releasing all the Star Wars movies in 3D. <br /><br />Never mind.<br /><br />Anyway, with all these possibilities it's difficult to say which was the best for movies, but since waffling or declaring ties if for wusses, I'm going to have to go ahead and give it too...<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />1982</span><br /><br />It may have been before I was quite ready for movies, and it might not have had all the hits, but this was just a great year for seeing 'good' movies. No matter what time of the year it was, you could go to the theater and see a movie that's not only on its way to becoming a classic, but is both entertaining and thought provoking as well. What more could you ask for?<br /><br />Once again, some of the notable hits of that year:<br /><br />Tootsie<br />Dark Crystal<br />Airplane 2 <br />Blade Runner<br />The Thing<br />ET<br />Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan<br />Poltergeist<br />First Blood <br />Road Warrior<br />Conan the Barbarian<br /><br />Go ahead. Grab a bucked of popcorn and take your pick. They're all well worth the price of admission. ^_^iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-17919207485754597892010-08-26T11:48:00.001-07:002010-08-26T11:48:34.889-07:00A woman once asked me a question…okay, it was Amber…anyway, asked why every kids movie needs to have rap songs in the soundtrack. <br /><br />Now, nothing against rap (being white, I’m legally obligated to not understand it, mind you, but I still appreciate its merits), but these days it seems that every non-disney kids movie needs to be crammed full of mainstream pop songs of all kinds, including rap and R&B, even if all the characters are as white as the driven snow.<br /><br />So I’d like to take a moment and point the blame where it belongs: Robin Williams.<br /><br />Okay, only sorta. You see, where this really began are the family movies that wanted to be family friendly, while simultaneously ‘hip and with it’. As most of you know, this combination usually goes as well as peanut butter and negligent homicide.<br /><br />Regardless, if you count it as a kids movie, then where it seemed to start was in 1993 with Mrs Doubtfire. Technically, it’s a normal comedy, but it was squarely aimed at kids, and they’re certainly the ones that kept filling the theatres to see it to listen to House of Pain’s hit “Jump around”. Who can forget family friendly lyrics such as ‘if your girl steps up, I’m smacking the hoe’?<br /><br />All in all, it was family friendly comedies that weren’t specifically kids movies where the trend started, but if you want to know the first definite kids movie that included rap songs in the soundtrack, from what I can tell it was The Rugrats movie in 1998, which had several rap/R&B songs in the soundtrack. Yes, believe it or not, Dreamworks was not responsible. It was Nickelodeon.<br /><br />Anyway, back to searching for the best year for movies in my lifetime. One thing’s for certain, it’s not going to be in the 90’s. Man, was that a lousy decade for movies.<br /><br /><br />1990<br /><br />Plenty of shameful movies here, that weren’t so much ‘terrible’ as make us wonder what we were thinking: Home Alone, Pretty Woman, Dances With Wolves, and Ghost. You see? Not so much ‘I regret seeing it’ as ‘I regret having it in my DVD collection’.<br /><br />There were a few good movies, but nothing earth shattering, besides Misery and Goodfellas: there was Kindergarten Cop, Back to the Future 3, Total Recall, Die Hard 2, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (what? It was a solid movie, damn it!).<br /><br /><br />1991-1993<br /><br />Can you believe that Hook made 300 million dollars? For that crapfest?! I think that movie was the record for most acting careers simultaneously impaling themselves into the ground at once.<br /><br />These three years were ‘okay’ for movies. They didn’t include too made winners, but quite a few good ones, and say what you want, at least they were original. The best of them are probably Unforgiven, Groundhog’s Day, and Nightmare Before Christmas. Other hits include: <br /><br />Terminator 2<br />Addams Family (started/revived virtually every career in the movie)<br />Beauty & the Beast<br />Silence of the Lambs (either the best or worst date movie ever)<br />Hot Shots<br />Aladdin<br />Lethal Weapon 3<br />A Few Good Men <br />Scent of a Woman (along with the above, it made 1992 a great year for angry speeches)<br />Jurassic Park<br />Schindler’s List<br />Sleepless in Seattle<br />The Fugitive<br /><br /><br />1994-1995<br /><br />This is where Hollywood began to really get lazy. For two solid years, it seemed that every movie included the same small handful of actors, playing exactly the same roles, in what as well may have been the exact same movie, multiple times. Again, there were a few gems, like Speed and ‘Interview with the Vampire’ (arguably Tom Cruise’s best performance ever), but the movies just seem inferior to that of the 80’s, overall. A few notable mentions:<br /><br />Forrest Gump<br />Lion King (The dreaded beginning of fart jokes in Disney movies)<br />True Lies<br />The Mask<br />Dumb & Dumber<br />Four Weddings and a Funeral (AKA Five of the Same Thing)<br />Clear and Present Danger<br />Se7en (winner of the coveted ‘most pretentious title spelling’ award)<br />Casino<br />The Usual Suspects <br /><br /><br />1996-1998<br /><br />Ah, the rise of the big budget blockbuster. There were a few here and there earlier on, but this is where it really started, with Independence Day. Suddenly every summer needed a star studded movie either by Michael Bay or James Cameron, with a 200 million dollar budget, a ridiculous script, and no shame. <br /><br />Oh well, it was better than the mediocrity that came out in the few years before. In 1996 the big movies were Independence Day, Mission Impossible, and the Rock. In 1997 the big movies were Titanic and Men in Black. Finally, in 1998 it was Armageddon and Saving Private Ryan. <br /><br />Like the ‘bully movies’ of the 80’s, these mega hits didn’t leave much room for anything else. The few notable exceptions were Twister, Fargo, LA Confidential, and the Truman Show (the sound you hear is Jim Carrey’s career peaking).<br /><br /><br />1999<br /><br />If you sense the rumbling of something dreaded approaching, it’s not just you.<br /><br />This was a big year for movies…perhaps too big. All at once were a bunch of movies that weren’t exactly Oscar worthy, but regardless, drew unprecedented crowds to the theatres, and not just the teen girls that saw Titanic 20 times, no, this was everyone.<br /><br />The came in hordes to see movies like:<br /><br />Star Wars Episode 1<br />6th Sense<br />Toy Story 2<br />Matrix<br />The Mummy<br />Austin Powers 2<br /><br />Perhaps it was all the big blockbusters of the previous few years, but people were now coming to the movies in droves. Imagine you’re Hollywood, standing upon the precipice of this amazing new market trend. What do you do?<br /><br />Do you build a strong audience through innovation and talented creators, like in the 70’s?<br /><br />Or do you just churn out sequel/remake after half-assed sequel/remake, for a decade straight?<br /><br />*DUCKS AND BRACES HIMSELF FOR THE NEXT DECADE*iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-9217322414424854972010-08-12T07:09:00.000-07:002010-08-12T07:10:05.311-07:00A man once asked me if “George W. Bush wants to go to Mars, why doesn’t he first come down to Earth?”<br /><br />He asked me this, unprovoked, in line at McDonalds, six months into Obama’s presidency.<br /><br />A far more sane and relevant question once asked of me was “What year, since your birth, has been the best year for movies?”<br /><br />Considering it was asked in a kitchen of a good friend’s house, I’ve decided to answer this one, instead of just slowly backing towards the emergency exit.<br /><br />I’m not counting movies that came out before I was two. At that age anything with flashing lights and colors would impress me…come to think of it, that would pretty much remain true until my early 20’s. Regardless, we have to start somewhere, and that place is the 80’s, starting with 1981:<br /><br /><br />1981 and 1983<br /><br />Why have I included 1983 in there as well? Because they’re close together, and share something important in common: they were years with a ‘bully movie’, or in other words, a movie where one movie completely dominated the market, causing Hollywood to push off their better movies until the following year.<br /><br />In 1981, that movie was Raiders of the Lost Ark, and in 1983 it was Return of the Jedi. Both fine movies, Ewoks aside, but a single great movie isn’t enough to carry you for a whole year, so we have to leave these years behind, and go on to…<br /><br /><br />1982<br /><br />Now this was a fine year for movies, although not all movie snobs may agree. Oh sure, it didn’t have the 4 star critics choice movies, but looking back, it had a ton of very good ones (especially if you’re a geek): <br /><br />Tootsie<br />Dark Crystal<br />Airplane 2 (you might not remember, but the Airplane movies made a ton of money)<br />Tron<br />Blade Runner <br />The Thing<br />ET<br />Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan<br />Poltergeist<br />First Blood (the first Rambo movie, and the only one I’m willing to watch)<br />Road Warrior<br />Conan the Barbarian<br /><br />What? Okay, these aren’t exactly ‘high cinema’, but dammit, they’re great all round entertaining movies! It’s so rare to have a year with so many good ones.<br /><br /><br />1984<br /><br />It was a bright and cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen…<br /><br /><br />Sorry, got distracted there. 1984 was an alright year for movies. There weren’t too many great ones compared to mediocre/bad ones, but they had Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Terminator, and This is Spinal Tap. Not too shabby, if you ask me.<br /><br /><br />1985<br /><br />Ah, what a great year for 80’s movies. In fact, it’s probably the definitive year for 80’s movies. Granted, these are all 80’s movies, but this was the year with movies we’d come to define the 80’s with:<br /><br />Back to the Future<br />Breakfast Club (I am still ready, willing, and able to rock Molly Ringwald’s world)<br />Clue<br />Goonies (ditto for Kerri Green)<br />Teen Wolf <br />Weird Science<br />Rocky 4 (ditto for…just kidding ^_^)<br /><br /><br />1986 and 1988<br /><br />Yes, another grouping. Only this time, these were years that had a few very nice gems, mixed in with a good deal of mediocrity. It was like eating a large bowl of Frankenberry cereal, only with most of the marshmallows picked out (sorry Stephen).<br /><br />Little Shop of Horrors<br />Platoon<br />Stand By Me<br />Labyrinth (ditto for Jennifer Connelly, but that pretty much goes without saying)<br />Ferris Bueller’s Day Off<br />Who Framed Roger Rabbit (always a lot of fun)<br />Die Hard<br />Aliens (stop watching the series here)<br />Naked Gun<br />Beetlejuice (one of the most original movies ever made, period)<br />Scrooged<br /><br /><br />1987<br /><br />This was the year for ‘guy’ movies. Action, comedy, and horror ruled the day, and rightly so. ^_^<br /><br />Okay, there’s more to life than just machinegun fire, geeky jokes, and topless women…but could you imagine a world where there wasn’t? What a place it would be.<br /><br />Untouchables<br />Lethal Weapon<br />Robocop<br />Full Metal Jacket (stop watching when they arrive in Vietnam)<br />Spaceballs<br />Beverly Hills Cop 2<br />Predator<br />Princess Bride (not just a chick movie, regardless of what anyone says)<br />Running Man<br />Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (this and 4 were the best of the series)<br /><br /><br />1989<br /><br />I almost grouped this in with 86 and 88, as it was a mediocre year for movies littered with a few gems, but it’s interesting to note that this year featured two movies that redefined their genres, and opened up the market for a whole new slew of movies: Batman and Little Mermaid. <br /><br />Kids movies and Superhero movies were suddenly hot, and that popularity is still continuing on to this day (until it ends with Thor, later this year).<br /><br />Other good movies include Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Lethal Weapon 2, and Honey I Shrunk the Kids (a fun movie, despite the crappy sequel).<br /><br /><br />Well that’s it for the 80’s, which all things considered, was an excellent decade for movies. What comes next? <br /><br />Pain. <br /><br />Pure 90’s flavored ‘PAIN’.iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-26920378753729714042010-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:002010-03-02T08:38:10.925-08:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">The Old Future</span><br /><br /><br />Ah, another month gone by, lost to incessant typing at work, and it's time to force the twisted, malformed claws that were once my hands to crank out another blog post. Good times. ^_^<br /><br />I've been watching some old sci-fi movies and TV shows, and one thing that intrigues me is the 'old' future. <br /><br />I'm talking about the future from three or more decades ago, when everyone had laser guns the size of toaster ovens, wore jumpsuits, and fought against the dark forces of the universe while sporting mullets. <br /><br />Not only is it goofy, but it's a lot of fun to see how things match up to the way real life turned out, especially when a simple invention from our own present could have literally solved most or all their problems in a heartbeat.<br /><br />Here are some of my favorite examples:<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Time Chasers</span><br /><br />YEAR: 2050<br /><br />THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Kids with cell phones.<br /><br />SUMMARY: Nevermind that the secret for time travel is kept on eight floppy disks (that's the soft 5in disks), but the future is basically just like today, only with more colorful clothing, and kids using cell phones. That is, until the main character, a time traveling buffoon, accidentally turns it all into Fallout 3.<br /><br />SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Going back and killing the main character's grandfather. I think it's worth a shot.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Jetsons</span><br /><br />YEAR: The faroff year of 2002<br /><br />THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Futuristic Flintstones, only with robots and sliding floors instead of dinosaurs. <br /><br />SUMMARY: The curiously empty (where the hell is everyone?) future is inexplicably far up in the sky, and everyone is moved around on giant conveyor belts, or in personal space ships, both of which look like the worst death traps ever imaginable.<br /><br />SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Hand rails<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Star Wars</span><br /><br />YEAR: Long, long ago...in the future<br /><br />THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Cross Dune with Buck Rogers, Muppets, and 70's hair cuts.<br /><br />SUMMARY: Cowboys/Samurai/Monk/Bene Gesserit heroes destroy evil/nefarious/villainous/Orwellian dickbags, through the power of the force/hope/magic/love/blindly wandering from scene to scene without planning or communication.<br /><br />SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Twitter<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Star Trek</span><br /><br />YEAR: 2264+<br /><br />THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Amazing handheld devices that allow them to communicate with each other from long distances away (but not see eachother or take pictures), comfortable jumpsuits, and lots of alien sex.<br /><br />SUMMARY: The crew blindly teleports down to a planet without sending any sort of probe, lose one member of their team to killer aliens, discover their their phasers are useless, and then karate chop their way to universal peace.<br /><br />*As a side note, I'd like to add that in one episode of Star Trek Next Generation, Riker vaguely remembers an incident similar to the one they were currently having, and Data agrees to research it. The time it will take to do the research? 7 hours. Can you imagine a world where it took 7 hours to find basic information? Here's how that'd go in present day:<br /><br />RIKER: "I remember some other incident in the past similar to ours. I need you to research it in the computer. How long will it take?"<br /><br />DATA: "Seven hours."<br /><br />RIKER: "You're fired. Jordi, could you..."<br /><br />JORDI: "Already got it."<br /><br />*<br /><br />SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Cell phone cameras and Google<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Space Mutiny</span><br /><br />YEAR: 2000...something<br /><br />THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Space ships that run on Commodore 64s, psychic strippers, and sets remarkably similar to modern breweries.<br /><br />SUMMARY: Strong heroes and treacherous villains do battle in an old abandoned factory while riding tripped out zambonies. Eventually the villains are shot, and fall over railings, to their deaths.<br /><br />SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Better railings, and any form of transportation that's far more quick than a zamboni, including golf carts, Segways, or walking.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8th DIMENSION</span><br /><br />YEAR: The near future<br /><br />THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: the 80's, only more so<br /><br />SUMMARY: Brain surgeon, rocket scientist, 80's rock star, and master samurai 'Buckaroo Banzai' takes on evil aliens that look like fish-men, and have names like 'Big-Booty'. In his spare time, he blows the world's mind with amazing world changing invention, rocks out mid-80's style, and romances Ellen Barkin.<br /><br />SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: a better looking girlfriendiamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-61746424242416452382010-01-29T12:56:00.000-08:002010-02-02T06:47:44.952-08:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">Play it, Sam</span><br /><br />I've been gone for a month because I've been doing nothing but type at work, and my hands look like Dumbledore's in the last Potter movie. <br /><br />So instead of a full post, I'm going to cut and paste my 100 all time favorite songs. I recently assembled them because I want to see which I have, and which I need to get through iTunes. <br /><br />To keep it from being just Dubliners and They Might Be Giants, I'm putting a cap of 6 songs at most from each performer.<br /><br />Feel free to judge my worth as a human being from the list:<br /><br /><br />Silent hill theme, Akira Yamaoka<br /><br />Killing me softly, Aretha franklin<br /><br />God only knows, Beach boys<br /><br />Sabotage, Beastie boys<br /><br />Ballad of john and yoko, Beatles<br /><br />Black bird, Beatles<br /><br />Come together, Beatles<br /><br />Penny lane, Beatles<br /><br />Ticket to ride, Beatles<br /><br />Godzilla, Blue oyster cult<br /><br />These times they are a changin', Bob dylan<br /><br />More than a feeling, Boston<br /><br />Meanwhile rick james, Cake<br /><br />Surrender, Cheap trick<br /><br />Lady in red, Chris de burgh<br /><br />Run run rudolph, Chuck berry<br /><br />Bad moon rising, Creedence clearwater revival<br /><br />Have you ever seen the rain, Creedence clearwater revival<br /><br />Come on eileen, Dexy's midnight runners<br /><br />Cover of the rolling stone, Dr. hook and the medicine show<br /><br />Anything, anything, Dramarama<br /><br />Black velvet band, Dubliners<br /><br />Dirty old town, Dubliners<br /><br />I love him the best, Dubliners<br /><br />Mcalpine's fusilliers, Dubliners<br /><br />Rocky road to dublin, Dubliners<br /><br />Hotel california, Eagles<br /><br />Wonderful tonight, Eric Clapton<br /><br />More than words, Extreme<br /><br />Smile for me rose marie, Flying machine<br /><br />Whole lotta love, Frank zappa<br /><br />Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz<br /><br />Boston and st johns- live, Great big sea<br /><br />Pulling muscles from a shell, Head automatica<br /><br />Let her cry, Hootie and the blowfish<br /><br />End of the tour, Hotel lights<br /><br />White rabbit, Jefferson airplane<br /><br />All along the watchtower, Jimi hendrix<br /><br />Purple haze, Jimi hendrix<br /><br />Ring of fire, Johnny cash<br /><br />Suicide is painless, Johnny Mandel<br /><br />Dust in the wind, Kansas<br /><br />Jenny was a friend of mine, Killers<br /><br />When you were young, Killers<br /><br />Kashmir, Led zepplin<br /><br />Stairway to heaven, Led zepplin<br /><br />Mack the knife, Louis armstrong<br /><br />Whiskey in the jar, Metallica<br /><br />Enter sandman, Metallica<br /><br />One, Metallica<br /><br />Smooth criminal, Michael jackson<br /><br />Thriller, Michael jackson<br /><br />Never had to knock on wood, Mighty mighty bosstones<br /><br />Riders on the storm, Moody blues<br /><br />I am I said, Neil diamond<br /><br />Bizarre love triangle, New order<br /><br />Don't speak, No doubt<br /><br />Don't look back in anger, Oasis<br /><br />When a man loves a woman, Percy sledge<br /><br />Comfortably numb, Pink floyd<br /><br />Money, Pink floyd<br /><br />Shine on you crazy diamond, Pink floyd<br /><br />Us and them, Pink floyd<br /><br />Wish you were here, Pink floyd<br /><br />Whiter shade of pale, Procol harum<br /><br />Another one bites the dust, Queen<br /><br />Hammer to fall, Queen<br /><br />One vision, Queen<br /><br />Seven seas of rye, Queen<br /><br />Somebody to love, Queen<br /><br />Under pressure, Queen<br /><br />End of the world as we know it, REM<br /><br />Mothers little helper, Rolling stones<br /><br />Paint it black, Rolling stones<br /><br />Under my thumb, Rolling stones<br /><br />Sound of silence, Simon and garfunkel<br /><br />Tonight, Smashing pumpkins<br /><br />Still remains, Stone Temple Pilots<br /><br />Santeria, Sublime<br /><br />Head over heels, Tears for fears<br /><br />House of the rising sun, The Animals<br /><br />Monday Monday, The Mommas and the poppas<br /><br />Don't stand so close to me, The Police<br /><br />Lie still little bottle, They might be giants<br /><br />Narrow your eyes, They might be giants<br /><br />Put your hand inside the puppet head, They might be giants<br /><br />Raincoat, They might be giants<br /><br />Spiraling shape, They might be giants<br /><br />They'll need a crane, They might be giants<br /><br />I think we're alone now, Tommy james and the shondells<br /><br />Xmas eve/ sarajevo, Trans Siberian Orchestra<br /><br />With or without you, U2<br /><br />Moondance, Van morrison<br /><br />Blister in the sun, Violent femmes<br /><br />Gone daddy gone, Violent femmes<br /><br />Buddy holly, Weezer<br /><br />Only in dreams, Weezer<br /><br />Yoda (live version), Weird Al<br /><br />All she wants, Wham<br /><br />Gone til november, Wyclef jeaniamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-7896532731327936512009-12-18T10:11:00.000-08:002009-12-18T11:13:48.913-08:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">RETAIL WAR JOURNAL</span><br /><br />Still not gritty enough for the major studios? Hmm...or perhaps this war journal is simply TOO gritty. <br /><br />If the commercials for 'Avatar' have shown me anything, it's that people love watching mind blowing, awesome near disasters. Perhaps a more 'modern war camera shaking while the heroes run towards the viewer' approach is necessary.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: Part 3</span><br /><br /><br />Dear...OH MY GOD! RUN!<br /><br />I know you're reading this at home, but I don't care! RUN RUN RUN!!!<br /><br />My God, they're coming at me from all sides! Lunging up and and down the aisles, crying, whining, and asking a never ending supply of ridiculous questions!<br /><br />I do my best to race down the aisles safely, with return cart in hand, but with each aisle there's another parent thrusting their newborn children face first into oncoming traffic. <br /><br />I narrowly avoid another stroller, and begin to wonder how 'intentionally' these strollers are being blindly thrusted forward. All I'm saying is that they DO sell life insurance policies for toddlers. It's a possibility.<br /><br />Racing down the appropriate aisles, with the PA system blaring out automated orders, as enemy fire (and by fire, I again mean stupid questions) flies by my head, narrowly missing by inches. All I have to do to make it to my section is get around...a lady...<br /><br />To say that her ass was huge, would not convey the orbiting monstrosity that laid before me. Sure enough, she was bending all the way over, and taking up enough space to fit two full grown men with her posterior alone. I crept, like a trooper crawling by barbed wire, knowing that even the slightest touch would be...awkward and weird, to say the least. <br /><br />Barely making it by with my life, I nearly smack face first into a...person. A person of a...gender, of some sort, I suppose.<br /><br />"How may I assist you...uh...misssssst..."<br /><br />The 'thing' mercifully cuts me off. I hear them talk, but still have no clue what gender to associate with them. They're roughly 16-17, with black feathery hair, a slim figure, a high pitched voice, and a vaguely masculine face. My gut said 'guy', but their hands were the most feminine I've seen on a grown human being, male or female. <br /><br />I quickly excuse myself, knowing that the slightest misspoken word could end with their emo friends (mix of men and women, so no help there) stomping the ever living sh*t out of me with their Hot Topic boots.<br /><br />I can only pray that either way, that person never winds up in prison.<br /><br />A bossy, yet friendly mom casually stops to ask me a question, and I gladly...I mean 'quickly' avert my eyes from her chest. The initial glance revealed that 'they' were not only huge and all but exposed to the world, but also covered in a giant, black 'bird-like' tattoo. <br /><br />Did I mention that her large, 'biker' husband was about eight feet away? <br /><br />They also had an adorable daughter in the cart, who was wearing...DAMN IT! Caught a glimpse of the mom's chest again, bad Max! It doesn't help that her tattoo makes it stand out even further, which was probably her intention, but at the same time I didn't think her Hells Angel husband would think the same way. <br /><br />The buxom mom proves to be my savior, by asking if we have a product up in overstock.<br /><br />"Oh! Overstock UP THERE? Ah, allow me to look UP THERE to see if there's anything..."<br /><br />Barely avoiding a metal bat to the head (if 70's biker movies have taught me anything), I avoid a few more lunging strollers, and reach another mom, this time with a cheerful teenage daughter.<br /><br />They ask a few questions about the fashion accessories, and all goes well, right up until I notice the daughter's stomach.<br /><br />It's the same problem all over again, only this time with a twist. Despite being 13-14ish, I swear to God, that girl was pregnant. She was even doing the lifetime original movie thing, wearing about three layers and a flannel shirt, as if to cover it...but no, that round belly usually meant only one thing.<br /><br />I stayed cool. Perhaps I was wrong. After all, everything else seemed to be normal...bizarrely normal. Did the mom not know? How the hell could she not know? If I was the girl's father, I sure the hell would have said something!<br /><br />Or perhaps they didn't think much of it. I could just imagine...<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Okay honey, you can have the fashion design play set, but no more toys until after you have your illegitimate child, and we go on Springer. Then you can get the Barbie nail salon."</span><br /><br />I feared for my life as never before, knowing that a single question or comment would be the end of me. All I needed was a distraction. <br /><br />Ah! A man over here needs help, perhaps I can help this Hasidic Jewish man instead. He was obviously Hasidic/Orthodox Jewish in appearance, although that didn't mean...<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Oi, these prices are so high! How could they charge so much?"</span><br /><br />Oh no.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Are they any cheaper, discount items on sale?"</span><br /><br />I bit my lip.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"These discount toys aren't crumby are they? I want to get a good deal on this."</span><br /><br />Why must you test me, oh Lord?<br /><br />Nearly collapsing from the encounter into uncontrollable (yet very guilty) fits of laughter, I mercifully got called away to the manager's office. The woman in HR showed me a paper that everyone had to sign.<br /><br />It was entitled: BLOGGING AND SOCIAL NETWORKING POLICY<br /><br />Oh no.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"You see, we need our employees to agree not to say or write anything on the internet..."</span><br /><br />I've been made.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"...that might cast the company in a negative or embarrassing light."</span><br /><br />I'm screwed.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"That also goes for comments that may cast the customers in a negative or embarrassing light."</span><br /><br />Game over, man! GAME OVER!<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Just sign here."</span><br /><br />With the best poker face I could muster, I took the pen, and signed my scrawl.<br /><br />Lord protect us all...<br /><br />(Squad Sgt Max went missing in action shortly before this letter was aired, although evidence suggests he suffered a vicious attack from a giant giraffe-like creature wearing a red shirt)iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-83996290308170168042009-12-11T11:30:00.000-08:002009-12-11T13:41:37.653-08:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">MAX'S WAR JOURNAL PART 2: THE PROFITING</span><br /><br /><br />Hmm...I can only conclude that the lack of offers from the major media outlets is a result of my journal being far too light and cheerful. No, they obviously want something a little darker, and grittier.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: PART 2</span><br /><br />*distant sounds of helicopters in background*<br /><br /><br />I can't believe I'm back in Saigon...and by Saigon, I mean Toys R Us...in Saigon. They swore it was the closest Toys R Us to Freehold, New Jersey and I was too blinded by loyalty to question it.<br /><br />Retail is war. Worse yet, it's the only form of war where you're required to be polite to the enemy.<br /><br />Oh yes, retail is war...and war is HELL!<br /><br />And hell is PURGATORY!<br /><br />And purgatory is a LONG WORD!<br /><br />The screams of the kids still echo through my mind, their cries of 'Zuzu Pets' still haunting my soul to its core. The only thing more haunting is what I knew they'd do in order to get one. I shudder at the thought.<br /><br />Every now and then a rookie asks me a question, as if I'm in charge, not knowing that I was just as clueless as they were as to the purpose of our mission, or the best course of action. I try not to get attached to the rookies. Most of them won't last even a single day out here in the thick of the action.<br /><br />They just canceled our leave, unexpectedly. The automated announcement over the loud speaker that told us we were closed were quickly followed up by the voice of the assistant manager, assuring the customers that the message was in error, and we would be open for several hours yet.<br /><br />The groans, curses, and death threats that followed from the staff are all a part of working retail, and every associate goes a little insane from it all.<br /><br />Last night my mind broke at around 10:30, resulting in my development of a new skateboarding trick: you ride at top speed towards a long metal pole (like a lamp post), leap up into the air, spread your legs wide, and then pass straight through the metal pole, groin first. I call it the 'Kobayashi Maru'. Or better yet, the 'Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru'.<br /><br />My insanity is more low key compared to some of the others. Some hoot, some holler, some hit on co-workers less than half their age (I'm looking at you, Kathy), and one guy even ran past me yesterday, hunched over and grabbing at his groin, while not making a single sound.<br /><br />Others are merely mutinous, resulting in a fair bit of anarchy. Every day I find more and more hidden piles of toys. You could blame it on the customers, but I saw the same items earlier in the day in the 'return carts', waiting to be put back on the shelves. Someone might just have to frag their asses.<br /><br />And by frag I mean...actually, I just mean frag. No analogies here.<br /><br />Last night I stumbled upon another pile of returned goods, stuffed towards the back of a shelf. With a low grumble I yanked it out, and found it was a Zuzu pet playset.<br /><br />MY GOD! MY LIFE WAS IN DANGER! <br /><br />Any moment a hundred screaming, raving customers would be lunging for my throat, and clawing at the box in my hands. By the time they'd be finished, I'd be little more than a shred of meat stuck to a pile of bones.<br /><br />For all purposes, I was holding a live grenade, with the pin already pulled out, and making cute hamster noises.<br /><br />In a crazed rush I lunged towards the front, hopped on a skateboard, and unsuccessfully performed the Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru on a six foot stack of 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos'. <br /><br />The resulting distraction allowed me to ditch the dreaded robotic hamster playset on the front counter.<br /><br />I'd survived. Another day down, and fourteen to go...<br /><br /><br />Seasonal Sales Associate, Robert "Maxcat" Freeman<br /><br />(Robert Freeman died three days later, in a skateboarding related tragedy. His family has asked that all donations be forwarded to Will Shatner)iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-77570026250984896372009-12-04T11:18:00.000-08:002009-12-04T11:54:41.615-08:00For those that don't know, I've started working a part time job at Toys R Us this Christmas season. This, along with a few personally relevant Penny Arcade comics, have led me to start a war journal of my time in retail. <br /><br />Due to intense budget needs (related to my intense greed) I'm pitching the journal to several different producers and TV channels, starting with the History Channel:<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">LETTERS FROM THE FRONT</span><br /><br />My dearest Isabelle,<br /><br />It's been several weeks since the fighting started, and I now find myself in pitched battle with the people I recently called brother: the customers. <br /><br />Not to long ago I would've happily walked amongst their kind, but now I count each damn one of them as my mortal nemesis, to either be quickly destroyed, or assisted with as little effort as possible, whichever is more convenient for me at the time.<br /><br />Even as I write, I can hear the distant screams of small children, each afflicted with the harshest punishment that God could ever inflict upon one of his creations: <br /><br />Not immediately receiving the toy they want, the second they demand it.<br /><br />Their screams will haunt me to my dying day, and I can only hope our sons, Ezekiel, Abraham, Solomon, Moses, and Jesus Von Christenmier will never know the same pain.<br /><br />This morning I was assigned to deliver a message to the front lines. Come hell or high water, I had to track down one General 'Cindy', and deliver a life or death message regarding Zu Zu pets.<br /><br />My journey was slightly delayed by the appearance of a striking southern belle, who was specifically striking a coworker of mine when I approached. She wailed on and on about Superman toys, not knowing that Superman hasn't been popular since he died, marking him as the Michael Jackson of superheroes.<br /><br />Nothing could calm the young beauty, as she emitted cries of 'overstock' and 'check the back room'. My fellow brother in arms feebly did his best to help the hysterical woman, as I resigned myself back to my mission.<br /><br />The darkest moment during my travels was when I came upon a fallen display. The poor sap once consisted of an even pile of scooters in boxes, but now its body was little more than a jumbled mess. A nearby comrade stopped by, and confirmed my fears.<br /><br />Gangrene.<br /><br />The Docs had to literally pull the poor soul apart, and then reassemble him as best they could. As far as I know he survived, but I couldn't stay behind to make sure. I had a message to deliver.<br /><br />It was then that I realized the comrade who stopped to help me was none other than General 'Cindy'. The strain of war had destroyed all pomp and grandeur that once existed in her position. Now she was indecipherable from the rest of us grunts, apart from the nametag with the word 'Manager' upon it.<br /><br />In response to my orders, she gave me back an additional message to memorize and destroy, regarding the Star Wars Lego sale. <br /><br />Having committed its contents to memory, I discarded the message in the safest and surest manner possible: by stuffing it in a cigar box and tossing it into the center of the road.<br /><br />Well, I have to go now, my love. May the Lord keep you in his loving arms, and not arbitrarily kill you on a whim.<br /><br />Your loving husband,<br /><br />Private Robert 'Sales Associate' Freeman<br /><br />(Private Robert Freeman would survive the dreaded battle of Black Friday, and later perish from a ferocious toddler attack at the battle of Barbie's Dream Mansion.)iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-37132015808447121982009-11-12T10:44:00.000-08:002009-11-17T12:53:39.399-08:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">100th Post</span><br /><br /><br />Uh...yay? <br /><br />Go me?<br /><br />Okay, the delay has been from the fact that I keep trying to come up with something special for the 100th post, but damn it, I keep coming up empty. It's just too hard to top 'Inglorious Potters'. Why the hell did that have to be the 99th post?<br /><br />Until I get the 'Wayback Machine' fully working, I'm just going to have to go with a typical Shakespearean resolution: the Apocalypse.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">FOR THE COST OF ONE '2012'</span><br /><br /><br />Now, I'm not saying that '2012' is a bad movie, it's just an unfortunate movie. It's like saying that a Nascar event was a success because the fans loved the crash that crippled three men.<br /><br />To give you an idea of the level we're working with, they build giant, futuristic ships to sail through the apocalypse in. One plot point is that they're steering towards Mount Everest, which rises high above the water line...so why didn't they just hide on top of the mountain, instead of building the giant ships? You'd think that would've been easier.<br /><br />Oh, and needless to say, the little dog lives. As far as I'm aware, every dog on the planet survived, if the director has any say.<br /><br />2012 is all about the ridiculous spectacle that could only derive from a hackneyed director, dull plot, mediocre actors, a two and a half hour run time, and a $250 million dollar budget. Independence Day seems subtle and nuanced by comparison. Seriously, 2012's John Cusack will make you honestly wonder why Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum didn't both take home gold on Oscar night. <br /><br />But I digress. For my 100th post, I am going to present several 'alternate' apocalypse movies that are just as good as 2012, only with a tiny fraction of the budget. In fact, all these movie ideas combined only come out to about half of 2012's explosive budget, run 90 minutes tops, and make just as much scientific sense. <br /><br />All Hollywood producers are asked to post their offers in the comments section of the blog:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">PITCH #1</span><br /><br />A small girl in Ohio skips rope in a playground...<br /><br />Across the planet, a man raises his arm towards a box on the top of a bookshelf. It's just out of reach...<br /><br />In Canada, a teenage track and field athlete is preparing for the long jump event...<br /><br />In England, a docks worker is ready to leave the ship and go to port. There's a two foot gap between his ship and the pier....<br /><br />In the White House, the President of the United States sees a giant cockroach...<br /><br />What will happen to the world when EVERYONE JUMPS AT THE SAME TIME?!!!<br /><br />Beware world, the A-hop-alypse has begun...<br /><br /><br />Now, I'm pretty sure that idea is worth a $2 million contract right there, but just in case:<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">PITCH #2</span><br /><br />In 2010, a young scientist presented the world with his findings, and announced that the world would come to a sudden an abrupt end on December 9th, 2012.<br /><br />They called him crazy.<br /><br />Then, at exactly 12:01 am, on December 9th of the year 2012...nothing happened.<br /><br />He was crazy.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">PITCH #3</span><br /><br />Scientists couldn't believe it. Religious leaders couldn't accept it. Politicians were powerless to confront it.<br /><br />The sun, unchanged for all human history, suddenly outstretched itself in opposite directions, as if extending two impossibly long arms. <br /><br />In the days that followed, the people of the world began to swear that a face was beginning to form upon the sun, although no one could discern what it felt.<br /><br />Then suddenly, without warning, the sun's new appendages stretched towards the Earth, yet instead of burning the world to a crisp, they merely hung in the air above the planet, each emitting a silvery glow at the end, as if the sun were holding a giant metallic object in each hand...<br /><br />Without warning, the continent sized raisins began to fall.<br /><br />This summer, the sun is bringing two scoops of annihilation for humanity...<br /><br /><br />Those three movies alone will make my career. I better make one that'll win awards though...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">PITCH #4</span><br /><br /><br />Panic erupts in the streets. There is no warning or preparation. What caused this madness? Why did it have to happen? No one can say. All we know is:<br /><br />Every woman on Earth, over the age of 18, has mysteriously lost all their clothes. More perplexingly, each of them have also become surrounded by full length mirrors, and each take at least a two full minutes to realize that anything has happened.<br /><br />Starring: Salma Hayek, Megan Fox, Jennifer Lopez, Katie Featherston, Kate Beckinsale, Dolly Parton (yeah, I know she's 63, but I don't care), Emma Watson, Vickie Eng, Miley Cyrus (filming to begin 11/24/2010), and many more!<br /><br />This summer, we...uh...the world is...oh f*ck it, just come and see the movie, guys. You know you're going to.<br /><br /><br />I know what you're thinking. Max, you're setting yourself up for an Orson Welles-like situation, where you'll never be able to top yourself. Well, I was going to save this, but here's the final Pitch to be made last, just to round out the career:<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">PITCH #5</span> <br /><br /><br />The scene opens with a scientist urgently making his way into the oval office. The president is startled, and secret service agents rush in, but not before the young scientist can speak.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Mr. President, I'm sorry for the intrusion, but the world is headed towards catastrophe!"</span><br /><br /><br />The president sent the secret service agents out of the room, and allowed the young man to continue,<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"If my calculations are correct, sir, the moon has dropped out of Earth's rotation, and is now hurtling directly towards us!"</span><br /><br /><br />The president looks thoughtfully out the window, as if wondering what to do. With a slight cough, he addresses the young man for the first time,<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"So it is true. Several other leading scientists have told me the same thing, but no one can say why, or exactly what will happen."</span><br /><br /><br />Proudly, but with some fear, the young scientist sifted through his notes, and handed a bunch to the president, while softly speaking,<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"I believe I know what will happen, sir. The moon is going to crush and flatten in space, before reaching us, spinning outwards as it flies, but always snapping back to its basic round shape, with the surface curling at the edges, and large mountains forming along its surface."</span><br /><br /><br />The president urged the young scientist to continue, who barely eked out,<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"When it hits the Earth, it's going to surround most of it, as if wet and spongy, before the rubble slowly drifts away in a single mass, and falls towards the sun."</span><br /><br /><br />The president hammered his fist upon the table, in furious rage.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"So that's it then? There's nothing we can do before it lands on our heads?"</span><br /><br /><br />The young scientist gave a slight cough, to interrupt.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Not exactly on our heads, sir. My research shows that the mass of the moon will directly seek our our ocular organs when it hits."</span><br /><br /><br />The president could barely find the courage to stammer out,<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"So you mean..."<br /><br /><br />"Yes sir...the moon will hit our eyes like a big pizza pie."</span><br /><br /><br />This summer...that's AMOREGEDDON!iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-1553669203606820172009-10-21T08:17:00.000-07:002009-10-21T08:40:55.651-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">IS IT JUST ME, OR DID DRACO GET OFF EASY?</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />*In the middle of the forbidden forest, Draco, Goyle, Harry and Ron are hanging out, shortly after the end of the 7th book*</span><br /><br /><br />DRACO: "Well, no hard feelings, Potter. I guess alls well that ends..."<br /><br /><br />*Harry 'Avada Kedavra's' Goyle*<br /><br /><br />DRACO: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I switched sides! You'll be killed..."<br /><br />HARRY: "Nah, more likely chewed out. He did try to kill us earlier after all. Anyway that deal was for you, and it's a good deal. Weaken the Dark Lord's power by being the wand's master? Enable us to kill the Dark Lord. That's a good deal. You like that deal, Ron?"<br /><br />RON: "I'd take that deal."<br /><br />HARRY: "Yeah, that's a good deal. Now scalp Goyle."<br /><br />DRACO: "What? Why?!"<br /><br />HARRY: "It's sort of a 'thing' I'm starting. Anyway, when you leave here, avoid Azkaban, and rejoin high society Draco...I bet you're going to keep that dark mark covered...ain't ya?"<br /><br />DRACO: <span style="font-style:italic;">*shudders*</span><br /><br />HARRY: "Yeah, that's what I thought, and Ron and I don't like that, do we?"<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">*Ron finishes scalping Goyle*</span><br /><br /><br />RON: "Not one bit. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">*Harry leans forward, towards Draco's ear, and begins to whisper*</span><br /><br /><br />HARRY: "You see if it were up to me, you'd proudly display that Dark Mark every day for the rest of your wand suckin' life...but I'm aware that ain't practical, so..."<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />*Harry draws a huge magical bowie knife*</span><br /><br /><br />HARRY: "So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off..."<br /><br /><br />*And ten minutes later, after branding Draco, burying Goyle's body next to the Dursley family's, and peeking in on Hermoine while she's taking a shower, they all lived happily ever after*<br /><br /><br />THE ENDiamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-85068763972245909642009-10-02T10:40:00.000-07:002009-10-02T11:12:00.205-07:00Ewwwwwwww....<br /><br /><br />Challenge #22: Change a dirty diaper<br /><br />Okay, I've dodged it long enough. It's time to take little Jacob (that's little in the ironic sense, like Mafia guys named 'Tiny') to the changing room, under the careful guidance of Pat.<br /><br />Luckily, the scope and magnitude of the diaper changing isn't nearly as catastrophic as Nicky's. I mean, good lord...I'm amazed Nicky's body could contain that much. Jake is a bit better, but yeah, it isn't pretty. It didn't help that he kept trying to kick his way out of my grasp. GOOD LORD that kid's strong!<br /><br />Anyway, after popping my arm back into its socket, I cleaned the kid up (again, not the least bit of shame or empathy from the kid himself...he could at least pretend to be sorry), and put on a new diaper. <br /><br />Honestly, the hardest part was getting him back IN to his jumper. I tried wrestling with him and his outfit a bit, but he countered the move into a hurricana suplex. I considered grabbing a folding chair to help even the odds, but I was pretty sure the ref (Jenny) wouldn't have approved. Pat had to tag in to take over at that point. <br /><br />Still, I survived the diaper changing. Some other relatives weren't so lucky (we remember you fondly, Steve).<br /><br /><br />CHALLENGE #23: Early to bed...<br /><br />I've never been one to go to bed early, but you know how the saying goes 'Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise'.<br /><br />A week later and...no, there isn't any additional money in my wallet.<br /><br />Am I any wiser? I'm posting on a blog on the internet...so I'm going to venture a 'no'.<br /><br />What about my health? Not only did I get sick, but I caught the flu, right about the same time the swine flu was getting everywhere. Hmm.<br /><br />So, 'Early to bed, and early to rise, gives you Swine Flu'. Yeah, I guess that's nowhere as catchy.<br /><br /><br />CHALLENGE #24: Eat a large plate of pickled beets.<br /><br />Yeah, there's a few more food challenges. I decide to brave the food that kids cartoons have warned me about for decades...<br /><br />Those fricking liars! Grouchy bear from the care bears was dead right! Lionheart doesn't know what the hell he's talking about! (oh, and curse you Amber, for subjecting me to 'girly' kids cartoons throughout my youth)<br /><br />Pickled beets are delicious! I could really go for a large plate of them right now! Once again, I feel like I got off easy. Let's make the next one a hard one.<br /><br /><br />CHALLENGE #25: Give self the worst brainfreeze possible<br /><br />This one took a few test starts, sort of like the 'go a day without intentionally scratching' challenge. I swear, I did my best to down slurpees as quickly as possible (the only way a true geek would achieve the brain freeze), but nothing happened of note. Oh sure, there was a chill or two, but nothing that bad. <br /><br />I took several weeks, when I was drinking a slurpee for fun, not even thinking about the challenge...when it happened.<br /><br />My brain sqeezed shut like a vice. I didn't go for a warm drink, oh no, that'd be cheating. All I could do was ride out the wave, like a sarcastic careless teen on Baywatch, only there weren't any porn stars to save me.<br /><br />A few minutes later and the agony crescendoed into a manageable state, and I dragged myself from the floor of my car. Can you believe Slurpees created an advertising campaign out of brain freezes? That's like trying to sell a snack bar through crotch punches! <br /><br />Oh well, I'll just top the Slurpee off with some rubber bands.<br /><br /><br />CHALLENGE# 26: Chew on rubber bands, as if they were gum<br /><br />Alright, let's clean these boys off...yeah, I don't see how this could go wrong.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I can't even begin to describe how disgusting that was. <br /><br />Nicky's 'uh-oh' takes second.<br /><br />I'm going to crawl back onto the floor of my car now.iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-73525045936007611022009-09-16T11:25:00.000-07:002009-09-16T12:40:12.717-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">Max Freeman</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Patriot, Visionary, and Inventor of Ham</span><br /><br /><br />In honor of Max Freeman's birthday, we will be taking a break from the challenges to list the author of this blog's greatest accomplishments, year by year, each coincidentally occurring upon his birthday.<br /><br /><br />1978: <br /><br />Moments after being born, a Doctor smacked Max several times on the bottom. Regardless, the young spy refused to tell him anything.<br /><br /><br />1979: <br /><br />Began walking and talking, inventing both.<br /><br /><br />1980: <br /><br />Successfully brought down a very small portion of the Berlin Wall, for round about 2 minutes.<br /><br /><br />1981: <br /><br />Led one lightsaber wielding action figure to victory in the battle of 'kill all the other action figures'.<br /><br /><br />1982:<br /><br />Drank his first and last beer.<br /><br /><br />1983:<br /><br />Ended slavery in Texas, forcing his family to flee to the northeast.<br /><br /><br />1984:<br /><br />Successfully infiltrated the school system, using the cover name 'Robert'.<br /><br /><br />1985:<br /><br />Invented ham.<br /><br /><br />1986:<br /><br />Played as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots at superbowl XX, leading them to a glorious 846-10 loss. <br /><br /><br />1987:<br /><br />Successfully pre-venged the death of his grandson.<br /><br /><br />1988:<br /><br />Endorses Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign. <br /><br /><br />1989:<br /><br />Uses the force to choke Michael Dukakis to death.<br /><br /><br />1990:<br /><br />Invents pork roll. Literally dozens are thrilled.<br /><br /><br />1991:<br /><br />Max ends the Gulf war through the power of song. UN officials estimate deaths in the mid 10,000's.<br /><br /><br />1992:<br /><br />Listens to his first Aerosmith song. Doesn't care for it.<br /><br /><br />1993:<br /><br />Scientifically proves, using 'Freeman's theorem' that the Dallas Cowboys are the most awesome thing on Earth.<br /><br /><br />1994:<br /><br />Creates masterful plan to solve all of America's agriculture problems, and would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.<br /><br /><br />1995:<br /><br />Freeman's theorem is officially disproved.<br /><br /><br />1996:<br /><br />Travels back in time, to take year off before college.<br /><br /><br />1997:<br /><br />Invents the ham, pork roll, and ketchup sandwich. No one notices until 2006.<br /><br /><br />1998:<br /><br />Achieves the record for longest time spent trying to get a specific girl in the sack. Surrenders after 11 months, 26 days of trying. <br /><br /><br />1999:<br /><br />Partied like it was the year it was.<br /><br /><br />2000:<br /><br />Discovers internet porn. Is not heard from again until 2001.<br /><br /><br />2001: <br /><br />Changes control of the Senate from 'Republican' to 'Democrat' by slapping it.<br /><br /><br />2002:<br /><br />Invents a new word (Collinguinistical) and spends year trying to think up a definition that isn't dirty. Eventually settles upon: 'somewhat nifty'.<br /><br /><br />2003:<br /><br />Personally ends the Phnom Penh riots by doing what no one else could: pronouncing its name correctly.<br /><br /><br />2004:<br /><br />Sets the 'wayback' machine for 1806.<br /><br /><br />1806:<br /><br />Successfully finds Lewis and Clark, and leads them back home, only to find that all his Superman jokes just go over their heads. Is inconsolable until 1808.<br /><br /><br />1807:<br /><br />Weren't you listening? I said he was inconsolable!<br /><br /><br />1808:<br /><br />Bamboozles the Colonies into repatriating back to England, and celebrates by stomping on a bunch of butterflies.<br /><br /><br />1809: <br /><br />Set wayback machine for 2006.<br /><br /><br />2006: <br /><br />Realizes he missed a year. Declares 'Fuck it'.<br /><br /><br />2007:<br /><br />Not much really. Mostly bummed around on the internet, updating his blog. He did kill a few vampires...but otherwise, pretty much a normal year.<br /><br /><br />2008:<br /><br />Fails to break world record for 'longest time spent trying to get a girl into the sack'. Regardless, he doesn't seem to mind that much.<br /><br /><br />2009<br /><br />Ends war on terror through use of hypnosis. The subsequent 'clucking like a chicken' and 'naked in front of the audience' epidemics expected to be cured within the year.<br /><br /><br /><br />MAX FREEMAN: Hero, Revolutionary, and fictional Charles Dickens character.iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-50916295091284087792009-09-11T11:02:00.000-07:002009-09-11T11:39:50.336-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">Still 30</span><br /><br />I'm not quite 31 yet, and needless to say, I'm going down kicking and screaming.<br /><br />Anyone, on to more challenges, and this week they're mostly food related:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE #18: Eat a plate of Buffalo Wings</span><br /><br />This challenge downright baffles my sister, Amber. She asks, her voice filled with honest confusion, "What don't you like about Buffalo Wings?"<br /><br />First of all, I have absolutely nothing against honey BBQ wing, Asian style wings, or plain. No, my problem is with the 'buffalo' variety only. Why? Why wouldn't I?<br /><br />The plate arrives, and Amber assures me they're 'typical' buffalo wings, neither better nor worse than average. I take a bite, and immediately, the sour and oily sauce assaults my tongue like the winner of a 30 second UFC match.<br /><br />It isn't...awful, I guess, but overpowering, and with a terrible texture that no meat was meant to have. Worse yet, they never cook them enough, always bringing them out lukewarm. <br /><br />Also, what the hell's with the blue cheese, celery, and carrots? What does that have to do with anything? Am I really supposed to mix blue cheese with the sour vinegar sauce? Somehow, I'm not convinced. Perhaps it's a religious obligation, or just for the Feng Shui of the plate.<br /><br />Anyway, I eat them, and they're not disgusting, but Lord, I can't understand why people pay out the nose for undercooked, vinegar soaked chicken legs and wings. To me, they're a slap to the face. Some might be light and well executed slaps to the face, but I still don't see why anyone pays for them.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE #19: Down a shot of Piracetam</span><br /><br />There's a fight going on online, between the 'pill' and 'drink' Piracetam factions. For those who don't know, Piracetam is a nutritional supplement that, unlike all other nutritional supplements, actually works. It increases blood flow to the brain without all the troubling financial and legal issues of crystal Meth. I highly recommend it.<br /><br />The disagreement online is regarding the proper way to take it: by pill or mixed with water. Either technically works fine, and no better than the other way, but whereas I've always taken it by pill, some people complain that there's no reason to go through the trouble of encapsulating (your $10 word for the day) them, and it's just a pointless hassle.<br /><br />Why encapsulate ($20 and counting)? The pill users counter: "It tastes terrible!" <br /><br />The way they describe it, you'd think it was a mixture of pickle juice, sewage, diet Red Bull, and Piracetam (yes, it loops). <br /><br />I made myself a batch mixed with water, and Amber directed me to the sink. I could always just toss it, but there's a special rung of hell reserved for people who waste good drugs. Since I might be rapping on the gates shortly...<br /><br />*GULP*<br /><br />Oh, you fricking whiners. That wasn't bad at all! I'm honestly disappointed. I guess if all you consume is Doritos and Mountain Dew, then yes it'd seem unbearable. As a person with a variety of tastes and culinary ($5 word, and we're up to $25) experiences, it wasn't bad at all. It's nothing like wasabi, or...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE #20: Eat some olives</span><br /><br />That's what I get for ordering a salad in an Italian restaurant. <br /><br />I force a smile and put a black olive in my mouth.<br /><br />PAIN<br /><br />FEAR<br /><br />I pray for rescue, but to no avail. I consider dialing 911, but I don't want to open my mouth, fearing I might not be able to keep it down.<br /><br />Do people seriously eat this willingly? Even pay money for this?! I pity the Romans, who had little else, because it went neck and neck with the wasabi. I down a few more, chewing along the way, or else it doesn't really count.<br /><br />I swear to God, you do not want to know the images that went through my head. The nicest and most family friendly of them is a purple squid, delivered to my tongue raw. <br /><br />How could olive oil, a rather innocuous ($35) and subtle liquid come from something so vile, so unholy, and so...olivey? <br /><br />A pox upon olive growers, people who order olives on pizzas, and anyone who serves them the only way they could possibly be worse: without the pits removed.<br /><br />*Shudder*<br /><br /><br />This is it!<br /><br />The moment has come for me to reveal the WORST JOKE EVER!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE #21: Recall 101 times the worst joke ever was used</span><br /><br /><br />Someone farts.<br /><br /><br />That's it.<br /><br /><br />That's the worst joke ever. It occurs in movies, TV shows, books, and even video games on a nearly neverending basis, yet the joke never changes. <br /><br />I know it started with Blazing Saddles, a favorite movie from my childhood, but I don't really blame them. Mel Brooks was bound to hit the joke eventually, and didn't reuse it often in most of hit movies.<br /><br />No, I blame 'The Lion King'. That's the moment it became a 'kid-friendly' joke, and suddenly, we have every other joke in each kid movie be a fart joke. You know, Walt Disney himself hated kids shows/movies that were willing to do 'anything' for a laugh. He believed in clean wholesome humor, and never resorted to anything like a fart joke.<br /><br />So if the dead eventually rise, I have a word of advice to Michael Eisner: start running. In fact, start running now.<br /><br />With that floodgate opened, the fart jokes filled both the TV and airwaves, and the world was never quite the same. Sigh...so as a challenge, I'm going to recount 101 fart jokes, counting movies, TV, books, and videogames. Feel free to stop reading if you get too depressed to continue. I certainly understand...<br /><br />1. Lion King<br />2. Blazing Saddles<br />3. George of the Jungle<br />4. Toy Story 2<br />5. Austin Powers 1<br />6. Austin Powers 2<br />7. Austin Powers 3<br />8. Master of Disguise<br />9. In Living Color<br />10. Scary Movie<br />11. Not Another Teen Movie<br />12. Star Wars Episode I<br />13. Wild Cats<br />14. Family Dog<br />15. Police Academy 5<br />16. Family Guy<br />17. Robin Hood Men in Tights<br />18. Who’s Line is it Anyway <br />19. Freakizoid (but more tasteful than most)<br />20. Curse of Fatal Death<br />21. That’s My Bush<br />22. Southpark<br />23. Ren and Stimpy<br />24. Naked Gun<br />25. Hot Shots 2<br />26. Road Trip<br />27. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back<br />28. Chappelle Show<br />29. Lust in the Dust<br />30. Mystery Men<br />31. Who’s Your Caddy<br />32. Brain Donors<br />33. American Dad<br />34. Jerky Boyz the Movie<br />35. Tom Goes to the Mayor<br />36. Brak Show<br />37. Monty Python<br />38. Shrek<br />39. Robot Chicken<br />40. Dumb and Dumber<br />41. Muppets take Manhattan<br />42. MST3K the Movie<br />43. MST3K the TV show<br />44. Futurama<br />45. Simpsons<br />46. Catcher in the Rye<br />47. Canterbury Tales<br />48. Kids in the Hall<br />49. Liar Liar<br />50. Private Parts<br />51. Metalocalypse<br />52. Aqua Teen Hunger Force<br />53. Nutty Professor (Eddie Murphy remake)<br />54. Spawn (movie)<br />55. Shrek 2<br />56. Shaun of the Dead<br />57. Duckman<br />58. MXC<br />59. Powerpuff Girls (TV show)<br />60. Red Dwarf<br />61. Salute Your Shorts<br />62. Airplane<br />63. 3rd Rock from the Sun<br />64. Sealab 2021<br />65. Gladiator<br />66. Swimming to Cambodia<br />67. Goonies<br />68. Fairy God Parents<br />69. The Mask<br />70. Little Shop of Horrors (original, deleted ending)<br />71. Southpark Movie<br />72. Duece Bigelow<br />73. Venture Brothers<br />74. Assy McGee<br />75. Shin Chan<br />76. Waiting for Guffman<br />77. Daily Show<br />78. Mythbusters<br />79. Flesh Gordon 2<br />80. Scary Movie 3<br />81. Dogma<br />82. Toxic Avenger<br />83. Beavis and Butthead show<br />84. Toxic Avenger 4<br />85. Beavis and Butthead do America (movie)<br />86. Help<br />87. Pee Wee’s Playhouse<br />88. Abe’s Odyssey <br />89. Abe’s Exodus<br />90. Much’s Odyssey<br />91. Booger Man<br />92. Sam and Max (game)<br />93. Fable<br />94. Fable 2<br />95. Ace Ventura 2<br />96. Back to School<br />97. Howard Stern Show<br />98. Good Eats<br />99. Jiminy Glick<br />100. WWF/WWE<br />101. G Force (seriously Eisner, I wouldn't even stop to pack before running)iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-68608353205961397972009-08-14T07:42:00.000-07:002017-05-12T05:54:46.006-07:00We interrupt your normally scheduled blog to inform you that Rifftrax, with the cast of MST3K is going to be doing a live show, broadcast across theaters around the country on August 20th, at 8pm! <br />
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Specifically, they'll be riffing 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'!<br />
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That's next Thursday at 8pm, and they're even going to be at the AMC 24 in Hamilton, NJ, which is where I'm going. Go to <a href="http://www.rifftrax.com/">www.rifftrax.com</a> for more details. See you there!<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">SUSPENSE?</span><br />
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Don't have that much time this week, so the worst joke in the history of mankind will continue to wait (suffer! ^_^) in lieu of some shorter, yet no less significant challenges:<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">14. FILE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE</span><br />
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I'll be the first to admit, I have a high threshold for boredom. Sit me in the corner, and as long as I have a pen and some paper, I'll be as happy as a clam at a filter feeding competition. <br />
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Of course, if I'm filing, my mind can't wander, and must stay focused on the task at hand. This is the main reason my normal filing method can be summed up as 'piles'. I have 'this pile' and 'that pile', and of course, 'that pile over there'. It's all very scientific.<br />
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So for this challenge, I buckled down and did nothing but file for as long as possible in a row. Thanks to a lull at work, I had the chance to sort all their invoices into alphabetical order and then put them into the corresponding file.<br />
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20 minutes later, I was ready to call amnesty international. No human being should have to file for any length of time. It's literally sorting papers, then re-sorting them, putting them into cabinets in a very precise order, where they will never ever be looked at again.<br />
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Forget waterboarding, the CIA needs to investigate the 'alphabetizing, filing, and creating dividers for company subdivisions' torture. Those terrorists will never know what hit them!<br />
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About 40 minutes in, my brain shut off, and my limbs and spine more or less just operated on their own. At the 60 minute mark, I pulled the fire alarm and jumped out the window. Or something like that. It's hard to tell when your brain's shut off.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">15. GO AN HOUR COMPLETELY STILL</span><br />
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With all that flailing around in the office and fire marshall hubaloo, I was definitely ready for a break, and what could be more relaxing than staying still for an hour?<br />
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Of course, I was staying ABSOLUTELY still for an entire hour. No scratching, turning, shifting, or looking around. No TV, radio, or similar distractions either. Nothing besides motionlessness, and silence. <br />
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The novelty wears off surprisingly quick. After about 10 minutes, I started to kill time by playing the movie 'Clue' in my head, scene for scene. Then the itches started. <br />
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Paraplegics never get enough sympathy, especially in regards to 'itches'. Those unfortunate enough to not even be able to speak leave others wondering what they really want.<br />
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I can now tell you: THEY WANT YOU TO SCRATCH THEIR F*CKING NOSE!!!<br />
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Eventually I got to the end credits of Clue, and fought off the near insanity of complete motionlessness, and then scratched away with the ferocity of a madman...leading me to the next challenge.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">16. GO 24 HOURS WITHOUT INTENTIONALLY SCRATCHING</span><br />
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It starts small, like an overhead echo in a deep cavern. Pretty soon it's rising to a peak, and it's impossible to ignore. Eventually it consumes your every ounce of attention, turning into a deafening roar.<br />
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You scratch. You scratch as quickly and as frequently as your limbs will allow. Then you have to try again the next day.<br />
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This is the first of the challenges that I actually outright failed, at least in my first few attempts. Of course, no matter what, I caught myself reflexively scratching without even thinking, but that didn't count, as I couldn't find a way to avoid it. <br />
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Regardless, I could not intentionally scratch for an entire day, no matter how much it...ITCH! *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*<br />
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Sigh...regardless, the next day, I could not OH MY GOD IT'S SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT! *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*<br />
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I...*SCRATCH*<br />
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With the utmost intestinal fortitude, I somehow managed to eventually, after many many tries, go a full 24 hours without scratching. <br />
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There was pain. <br />
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Theer was burning.<br />
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There was (as far as I can tell) an invisible burning corkscrew digging into my knee.<br />
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Nevertheless, I somehow managed it, and I'm honestly not sure if it was worse than the wasabi or not.<br />
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I took shelter with my family, whom I knew would never intentionally hurt me. <br />
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Yeah, somehow I forgot about Amber.<br />
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With a grin that would've made the Marquis De Sade break into a cold sweat, she led me to Nicky, who had a particularly amused expression upon his face.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">17. WITNESS AND TAKE PART IN AN EPIC DIAPER CHANGING</span><br />
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Picture this: it's a warm summer day in July. The toddlers in the family were playing in the pool, equipped with waterproof diapers. The inevitable occurs, and suddenly we're at the kitchen counter with adorable little Nicky.<br />
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The smell is everywhere.<br />
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Jenny casually pops off his diaper.<br />
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It's EVERYWHERE.<br />
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The water has...dear God...I can't even go into it. <br />
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How much does this kid freakin' eat?! You'd think he was consuming his own weight each day in fruit! <br />
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Throughout it all, Nicky is as pleased as can be, as if he'd achieved something spectacular. My God kid, you could at least feel sorry for us. But no, he's just happy to be a part of it all.<br />
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With mechanical rhythm and a stomach much stronger than my own, Jenny effortlessly disposes of the 'waste', cleans the boy off, powders him up, and slips him into a new suit, as I hold his legs up, and desperately wish I was back filing.<br />
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There's another torture for you, black ops. Get with the program. Simulated drowning is out. Paper pushing and diaper changing are in.iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-45305883086401354802009-07-31T07:02:00.000-07:002017-05-12T05:53:06.848-07:00<span style="font-weight: bold;">SUSPENSE!</span><br />
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This week's post is filled to the brim with suspense! What's the most boring state/country/meal/joke in the world? Where to begin?!<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">CHALLENGE #11: Research the most boring state in America</span><br />
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This one is a little difficult to remain impartial on. I mean, what qualifies something as being boring or interesting? In a week's time, I'm going to Washington D.C. for several days to check out all the museums. For kids, that's a nightmare of a school trip, but for me, it's bliss.<br />
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The most impartial way is to find the state that has the least amount of tourism, compared to its overall population. <br />
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Oh sure, it's easy to scoff at Rhode Island and Delaware, but compared to their size, they've got a decent amount of tourism. Maine has an incredible amount, and interestingly enough, there isn't enough law enforcement to go around, so each town has to literally fend for itself (now there's a 'Mad Max' style movie waiting to happen). Farming states? Not that boring, as there are plenty of festivals and at least one big city in each. Wyoming? Cool history. No, the battle comes down to 3 states...<br />
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South Dakota<br />
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Despite having Mount Rushmore and numerous tourist attractions, people only 'grudgingly' seem to show up. North Dakota is a party a minute extravaganza compared to South Dakota, which literally only seems to exist because of Mount Rushmore, and mining operations. Still, it's more interesting than...<br />
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Nebraska<br />
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Aside from Alaska (an interesting state, in a 'we all might die' sort of way) Nebraska is our emptiest state, and they simply have no excuse. This state is EMPTY. Well, empty aside from Omaha, which is Nebraska's way of holding onto 'culture' in the same way a man might dangle on the edge of a cliff from his fingertips. Boring, depressing, and ungodly empty. There's only one state worse. Our most boring state is...<br />
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Idaho<br />
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Potatoes!<br />
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That's it. That and gem mining. I tried searching for quite a while, but unless you're interested in something that's dug out of the ground, Idaho literally has NOTHING to offer us. That, and a very odd shape. What's the story behind that?<br />
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Oh well, let's take a break with the worst meal I've ever paid good money for.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">CHALLENGE #12: Order the worst item at the worst restaurant you know</span><br />
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Have I mentioned that P.F. Chang's is garbage? They literally scoop up garbage at a landfill, and drop it on your plate.<br />
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Oddly enough, I can't entirely put them at fault, as I've tried 'Asian Fusion' in other places, and it's always garbage. Deluxe, high priced garbage, efficiently served by a very professional staff. What the f*ck?<br />
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For those that aren't aware, 'Asian Fusion' is a mix between Chinese, Thai, California, and the fourth circle of hell (the 'culinary' level, right between the 'dentistry' and 'traffic' floors).<br />
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They had quite a few dreadful abominations to choose from, but after a helpful instructional lesson from my waitress on 'how to pour liquids onto food', I decided the vegetarian dish, cooked in coconut milk looked like my best bet. Don't get me wrong, the description sounded fine, but it seems like something they'd screw up, and screwing up something I normally like is a far more efficient kick to the scrotum.<br />
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I was not disappointed. How the hell can they serve this food? How the hell can it be cooked in coconut milk and not taste like coconut milk? How the hell did they screw up broccoli? Since when is asparagus an Asian vegetable?!!!<br />
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Sigh...oh well, with that dish (which Gordon Ramsey would have force fed the restaurant's head chef, while screaming) out of the way, we go on to boring countries.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Challenge #13: Research the most boring country in the world</span><br />
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Not that far a stretch from our most boring states, only with far more to choose from. Instead of literally going over all of them, I decided to just look up topics on 'the most boring country in the world' on the net. Don't worry, I didn't just take a vote, that'd be cheating. Instead, I got quite a few names that kept coming up. After quite a bit of mind-meltingly tedious research, I separated the mostly boring (Andorra, Belarus, Taiwan) from the AMAZINGLY boring. <br />
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So without further ado, from least to most boring, here are the most boring countries in the world:<br />
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10. SWEDEN<br />
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Don't get me wrong, Sweden's an incredibly beautiful country, with a lot of fun architecture, and it's far more temperate then its neighbors. <br />
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They have a king, but it's been rated as the most democratic country in the world. They have a lot of great technology, but depend heavily on profits from natural resources. They're famous for being neutral in politics, but have a lot of military and police power. They believe in free trade, but the unions control everything. Black is white. Night is day. Etc, etc...<br />
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Sweden is simply a mess of contradictions. Perhaps that's what drives so many of them nuts, and drives them to dark depravity, and rampant folk dancing. Still, they're not that boring, at least not when compared to...<br />
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9. GREENLAND<br />
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It's like Antarctica, only without the charm. <br />
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Very empty, with fishing being the only real industry and source of income for the few poor inhabitants. There are a lot Inuits there, who are amazing survivors, considering they manage to survive in such a climate, and that since there's virtually no firewood, most of the fish they catch is eaten raw. <br />
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The country would be more boring if it were not so cold and menacing. Almost as boring as...<br />
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8. Luxembourg<br />
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An incredibly rich and tiny country. Overall, they have very little freedom, but compensate by getting drunk as often as humanly possible. On average, each citizen drinks 2.8 gallons of pure alcohol. That's not 2.8 gallons of booze, but PURE booze, when you separate everything out that isn't alcohol itself. Still, the country manages to be efficient, regardless.<br />
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Luxembourg is generally dull in practice, but in a very unique and interesting way, making them the Rube Goldberg of countries. <br />
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7. SWITZERLAND<br />
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The world pretty much runs with or without Switzerland. If the entire country disappeared tomorrow, Sci-fi style, we'd all just shrug and move on.<br />
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Switzerland is best known as the way-station between several other important countries. They're also RIDICULOUSLY democratic, to the point that the public can veto any law that the government creates, with a simple majority vote. Regardless, military service is compulsory for all citizens, making them almost as contradictory as Sweden. <br />
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It makes sense though, when you think about it. Being famously neutral, Switzerland has to be able to protect itself, so a strong military is required. Of course, like all other laws, the compulsory military service can be abolished by a simple majority vote, it just hasn't yet (last try only got 23% of the vote). <br />
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The country is very beautiful, and also has a large amount of economic freedom, most of the electricity comes from hydro-power, there's plenty of sports and skiing, and you're not reading this anymore, because it's incredibly boring in a pleasant sort of way, so I can write anything now. Clown penis, huge stonking tits, Godzilla is attacking the city, rain keeps falling on my head, Alton Brown/Gordon Ramsey deathmatch 2009, and several butcher's aprons. <br />
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Let's move on.<br />
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6. HUNGARY<br />
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A highly scientific country that invented the Rubiks cube and Paprika. You know your country's exciting when those facts feature prominently on your country's wiki page. It's pretty much just Sweden and Switzerland, only less interesting, and slightly more communist. Nice architecture though.<br />
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5. HOLLAND<br />
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Man, nothing's more boring than northern Europe, apparently. Holland's a jumbled, ridiculously wet country, with very little self identity. The citizens seem to identify far more with the individual cities in which they live, and Holland seems to merely exist as a way of holding them all together (the Nebraska of Europe).<br />
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The cities inside Holland are all fairly interesting, and each have an individual wiki page at least twice as long as Holland's own (Amsterdam being the largest wiki among them, obviously). Still, the country as a whole is damn boring. <br />
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4. BULGARIA<br />
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There was a time I believed this was the most boring country in the world, and Lord, it's close. They're an annoyingly successful socialist state, in both science and industry, with both personal/economic freedom and socialist values. <br />
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That sound you hear is the United States grinding its teeth. Yup, Bulgaria shows how Communism is done right, and that drives the Capitalist nations (who are all currently going through an economic shift that can best be described as 'falling down three flights of stairs') absolutely nuts...that is, if they give a f*ck. We generally don't. Overall, Bulgaria is very boring, with almost nothing to define it, other than its perplexedly upbeat, easy going, and socialist atmosphere. <br />
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3. FINLAND<br />
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Yet another annoyingly free and successful country. They're doing a lot better now that they've weeded out the old Soviet influences and corruption. Finland's an incredibly beautiful country...but you can pretty much just re-read any of the Nordic country's entries and you'll get the gist. Nothing unique to see here. <br />
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2. BRUNEI<br />
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Ah, it's nice to finally get out of Europe, and into the dull and peaceful...South Pacific nation?<br />
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Brunei is a curious anomaly, being primarily an oil producing country (much like many middle east nations), but relatively free and stable regardless. They're an island nation right above Australia, and where actually part of the British empire all the way up until 1986. <br />
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What's really amazing is that there's really nothing else to say about it. The entire nation is more or less nothing more than one large city, filled with business transactions, and absolutely nothing else of interest. <br />
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It takes a lot of work to be an island nation right next to Australia, India, and Singapore, and still be this boring. In fact, only one nation does it better...<br />
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1. DENMARK<br />
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Just when you thought we were out of Europe, here comes Denmark, the most boring country in the world.<br />
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They're yet another incredibly free and successful country, and despite being the descendants of the Vikings, they're not violent or wild at all. They must've gotten it all out of their system, apparently.<br />
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Virtually nothing ever happens in Denmark, ever, and yet they're statistically the happiest country in the world. I literally almost fell asleep at the computer, despite all the hot blonde girls inhabiting the country, and all the interesting . It's not just the country itself that's boring, but the culture. It's literally considered very 'rude' to be different, or try to excel too much. <br />
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Yes, everyone's expected to not only act a certain way, but perform no better than a certain level. Nothing ever changes, and nothing of any true importance is produced. You just live each day like the last...eat your numerous pastries and dumplings...make love to your gorgeous blond spouse (who has no personality whatsoever)...play very boring games with your equally blond and personality-less kids...go to sleep...repeat...and...<br />
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My God. This is how it happens. <br />
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Imagine the Vikings, raiding everywhere and gaining everything in the world you could possibly want. Imagine holding onto it, and never really losing it. Every day is peaceful and wonderful, as long as absolutely nothing ever changes, and nothing of any real importance ever happens.<br />
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Denmark is trapped. Poor bastards. They never even saw it coming.<br />
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I almost got trapped too, just reading about it. I nearly nodded off at the computer, and when I snapped to attention, I was about to purchase a one way ticket to Denmark, a blond wig, and a pair of wooden shoes.<br />
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Lord help us all.<br />
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The worst joke in the world will have to wait until next time. The icy, rigid allure of Denmark is still haunting my soul...iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-25463611621609823852009-07-17T10:42:00.000-07:002017-05-12T05:48:42.247-07:00<span style="font-weight: bold;">CURLING IS CHESS ON ICE</span><br />
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Not really. More like checkers.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Challenge #7: Follow competitive curling</span><br />
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Canadians are just so fricking polite that it makes you want to scream. Take curling, for example. It's bad manners to be loud, or to celebrate too openly (lest you hurt your opponent's feelings), and best of all, you're supposed to call your own fouls.<br />
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That's right, if someone breaks the rules, the only person who can call them on it is themselves. There are no referees, just a loose 'honor' system. <br />
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Best of all, when people began getting really good at the game...they changed the rules, to make it harder, so no one had too much of an advantage.<br />
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Can you imagine any of that happening in an American sport? Then again, sliding rocks down the ice while teammates with brooms sweep in front of it (if you weren't familiar with 'curling', I just described the sport in full). <br />
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Watching it wasn't too painful...at first. Then it just kept going. Apparently, the average game can take around 2 hours to complete! That's a lot of fricking sweeping! It was quite a bit of watching too.<br />
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It's similar to Bocce, if you're familiar with that. Basically, you're trying to get your stones closer to the target than your opponents, and can knock his stones out of the way with the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...<br />
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Whoa! What happened? An hour just passed, and I've got qwerty face (keyboard imprint on face). I think it's just better for all involved if I just leave the rules as: throw rocks, sweep, and drink beer.<br />
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Boring? Oh my, yes. Painfully boring? No more than baseball. Take of that what you will. ^_^<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Challenge #8: sleep on the floor</span><br />
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In an attempt to go the more 'uncomfortable' route than 'boring' or 'painful' ones, I simply slid out of bed onto the floor one night, and went to sleep. No pillow and no blankets. <br />
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It'd be a stretch to call it 'acceptable', but hey, I did get some sleep...and a hell of a stiff back in the morning. Oh well, sure beats a cold shower.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Challenge #9: Research the history of vice presidents</span><br />
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Damn! <br />
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I mean...DAMN!<br />
<br />
I expected a completely droll snooze-fest, but instead I was treated to a detailed history of more violence, political maneuvering, sex, and conspiracy than I ever possibly imagined. <br />
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It's true, the early vice presidents were all highly controversial figures, who not only held a fairly good amount of political power, but regularly got into gun duels, fistfights, and...well, let's face it, who didn't bang Abigail Adams back then? <br />
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How could this be? The answer lies in the fact that originally, vice presidents weren't nominated. They were simply the next runner up in the election. Imagine if John McCain was Obama's vice president, or Al Gore was George W. Bush's.<br />
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As you can imagine, things got a little tense, with one (Aaron Burr) going as far as shooting a man dead in a duel, and it certainly wasn't the first he'd fought. Even when the political parties began to take root, and elected their own vice presidents, the beautiful chaos rolled on for quite some time.<br />
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All this glorious vice-presidential carnage came to an abrupt halt with William Wheeler. <br />
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Let me set the stage: it's 1874, and due to political maneuverings, presidential hopeful Rutherford B. Hayes has allowed the New York delegation to pick any person they wished for the position of Vice President.<br />
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This created a problem, because the delegation couldn't think of anyone they could all agree upon for the job. Then one of the members jokingly said, "Why not Wheeler?"<br />
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Everyone laughed. Even Wheeler.<br />
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Wheeler was by no means a born politician. He was more in it for the comfortable lifestyle and nice parties. He had virtually no political aspirations whatsoever, and probably only got involved in politics because it beat being a lawyer full time. <br />
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The next morning, they surprised him with the nomination.<br />
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This man literally did NOTHING as vice president. He did even less than nothing, in fact, because he not only performed no noteworthy actions as VP, but he also made the position a joke. Suddenly, the position of vice president was little more than a paycheck for someone in the party that had nothing better to do with their time.<br />
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From that point on, vice presidents were almost meaningless, except perhaps as a test to see their chances as a presidential nominee...right up to Dick Cheyney. Whether he was shooting elderly friends in the face, selling America out to Haliburton (which he was financially intertwined with, coincidentally), or merely telling us to go fuck ourselves, he certainly made the position of vice president a far more interesting one.<br />
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God bless you Dick, wherever you are (Fox news, probably).<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Challenge #10: eat 3 bugs</span><br />
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What's the big deal?<br />
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Compared to the ingredients of hot dogs and breakfast sausage, bugs seem rather tame. At least I know what the ingredients are: 1 bug. Insect/vermin content: 1 per serving.<br />
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I draw the line at a worm. I dissected one of those in grade school, and I have no desire to go any further. Ditto for any insect with stingers and such.<br />
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I started with one of the various bugs near my house, called a box elder beetle. At our house we call them 'dumb bugs', due to their complete lack of survival instincts. You can literally slowly lower your foot down upon them. They also seem to forget that they can fly. Finally, they can only survive in trees, so if you find them in or on the house, it means they're lost. <br />
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Ewwwwwwwww...that was nasty! Yuck! No wonder they don't need a survival instinct. They taste terrible! It took me quite a while to get the taste out of my mouth from that one.<br />
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The fly I tried next wasn't as bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. Truth be told, it didn't taste much like anything.<br />
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The final choice was an ant, and believe it or not, those little guys pack a lot of flavor. I'm not saying I'd chow down on them, but if I had to eat a bug on a regular basis, that'd definitely be the one. <br />
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I remember being asked when I was a kid: if I'd eat a bowl full of bugs for $10,000. Now I know the answer for sure: I'd do it for $200. Hell, I'd do it just to avoid eating more wasabi! ^_^ <br />
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What? This is all for science! Science and experimentation. Remember, you can't really be sure if you'll like something until you actually try it.<br />
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Next time: boring states, even more boring countries, a meal more disgusting than a bowl full of bugs, and the worst joke everiamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-6600106544269035462009-07-09T08:20:00.000-07:002017-05-12T05:47:24.517-07:00<span style="font-weight: bold;">MEGAN FOX'S WEIRD THUMB ONLY MAKES HER HOTTER</span><br />
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Ever see her weird thumb? If not, go check now.<br />
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Isn't that weird? Regardless, it only makes her hotter. Why? Because now she seems more accessible. Now guys can imagine her crying about her weird thumb, and we console her, assuring her that she's gorgeous, and it makes her so happy, and then we have sex.<br />
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Only if we're not already in committed relationships, of course. ^_^<br />
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Anyway, I'm going to take a moment and defend Transformers 2. People keep saying it has virtually no plot, and it's all about robots fighting and Megan Fox running in slow motion. <br />
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That's all very true...and I'm trying to see what the problem is. That's pretty much all the movie's main selling points.<br />
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Yes, there are numerous plot holes...an incredible number in fact, including why the Autobots never seem to be around when they're needed, why Sam doesn't tell anyone about the shard of the cube, why Megan Fox doesn't have a bikini scene, and the complete lack of dinobots. <br />
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Regardless, there are some things I'm going to defend as not being plot holes: <br />
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Why/how did the Decepticons get their agent into Sam's college, when doing so would take months to arrange, and they only found out about the shard the day before? She's a shapeshifter, so I'm assuming she killed a real girl and took her identity. It'd be a LOT easier than the alternative.<br />
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Why could the shard bring Megatron and Jetfire back to life, but not Optimus? Jetfire was just hibernating, and Megatron was re-assembled first. The Decepticons simply have an AWESOME doctor, and Rachett is a really crappy one. Of course, they had to kill a fellow Decepticon to do it too, and the autobots wouldn't do that. In other words, those Decepticons were just 'mostly dead', and Optimus was 'dead dead'.<br />
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The Autobots were hunting and killing hiding Decepticons, giving them no chance to surrender. Isn't that really dark/unethical? Yup, but this is war, kid, it ain't pretty. Also, that Decepticon at the beginning caused the chemical spill, so they weren't exactly innocent.<br />
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Now that those are out of the way, let's move on to a few new plot holes, that I noticed with the repeat viewing:<br />
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1. Why is there a tiger in Egypt? Did it escape from the zoo? Tigers are from central and east Asia. It might as well have been a kangaroo.<br />
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2. Remember the scene where wheelie shows the points on the map, where the hidden old robots are? They say 'there's one in Washington DC'. Actually, there wasn't. The closest were ones in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.<br />
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3. Why is the film from the 1930's in full color?<br />
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4. Why is Egypt so empty? Africa is one of the most crowded places in the world. Where is everybody?!<br />
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5. Why is every person in Egypt either a dirt poor farmer or soldier? I'll answer this one: Michael Bay is racist. Look at the RC twins and tell me otherwise. Seriously though, that's just how he envisions all African people, but you'd think that the Egyptian Pyramids would have more of a tourist trade. People living in ruins? I google image searched Egypt Pyramids and got this picture:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Zfr02wvwpjo/SlYOkaYR94I/AAAAAAAAAAM/lPOWofGVVYI/s1600-h/pyramid-hotel.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356484825523025794" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Zfr02wvwpjo/SlYOkaYR94I/AAAAAAAAAAM/lPOWofGVVYI/s320/pyramid-hotel.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 222px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a><br />
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I don't think Michael Bay has any clue what Egypt really looks like. <br />
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6. Why did Megatron shrink? I know they rebuilt him, but did they really need to rebuild him smaller? In the first movie he was HUGE! Now he's barely larger than Starscream.<br />
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7. Where the hell are all the Autobots going?! Yes, I know that isn't a 'new' complaint, but seriously! Every five minutes, half the cast disappears! Where the hell is Bumblebee when Sam/Optimus needs them? Where did the RC twins go at the end (to the scrap heap, hopefully)?<br />
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8. Megan Fox, in a downright bizarre film flub, appears clothed in all of her scenes.<br />
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I cannot stress the last point enough.iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-48679067280329705582009-06-19T07:16:00.000-07:002009-06-19T08:43:10.060-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">AYN RAND IS THE FEMALE HUNTER S. THOMPSON</span><br /><br />More or less.<br /><br />Anyway, we move on to challenge #4:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">4. READ ATLAS SHRUGGED</span><br /><br />You know, it wasn't that bad. <br /><br />Don't worry, I'm not becoming one of those Ayn Rand nuts...on that note, did you know her real name was Alisa Zinov'yevnamakel'andevanabillybofanafifofana Rosenbaum? It was something like that. No wonder she changed it.<br /><br />Atlas shrugged is more or less the ultimate 'sulk in the corner' for intellectuals. Remember those kids who swore they'd run away from home or die because their parents didn't buy them a new toy or pony? That's Atlas Shrugged in a nutshell. <br /><br />The best part of the book is actually the most famous (or infamous in some circles). It's actually the speech towards the end of the book that lasts over 50 pages. If it were really spoken, it would literally last over 3 hours, and most of it is repetition. <br /><br />That aside, if you skim it, you'll find a thoughtful sermon on self reliance, personal responsibility, character, and inner strength. It praises free thought, free enterprise, and justice, while condemning censorship, socialism, and undeserved mercy. <br /><br />When Ayn says 'live free or die', it's not just a credo, but a threat.<br /><br />Especially at this stage in history, it's difficult to scoff at her claims that most of society's problems come from people expecting everything to be given to them for free, without receiving any personal responsibility for their own actions, or bettering society as a whole in any significant way. With the recent market meltdown, there's something to be said for this opinion. <br /><br />So why am I not bowing down and worshiping Ayn Rand right now? Her solutions won't work. Critics made great auditors, but poor engineers. Throughout the ending, her solution is for society to give total control over to intellectuals, and for all military forces to disband. All in all, her solution falls somewhere between Libertarian and laughable.<br /><br />Regardless, her personal credo, of only taking what you earn, giving no charity or mercy (as by definition, neither is earned), taking pride in yourself, and demanding the right to live free and follow your own path in life, is highly commendable. <br /><br />Some other noteworthy parts of the book include a terrible train accident that results from the willful negligence of politicians, businessmen, and taxpayers (after Katrina, it's hard to scoff). What really makes the scene interesting (and again, infamous) is that Ayn Rand examines every person within the train, and shows that they each, in some way, were partly responsible for the crash. Overall, they all think 'the problems of society are not my own, so I won't be bothered by them', and then all die in the crash. <br /><br />Finally, the name of the book gets its own name from another noteworthy scene, where one character tries to convince another intellectual/entrepreneur that they must abandon the abusive and neglectful politicians and businessmen that depend on them for the ideas, products and services they provide. <br /><br />The female protagonist said that the ultimate metaphor for their plight was Atlas, who struggled and suffered eternally, while carrying the world on his shoulders. She asks: "What would you tell Atlas to do?" and the man says "I have no idea! What could you possibly tell him to do?" and she simply responds "To shrug." <br /><br />In other words, to toss the world off his shoulders. If they aren't going to give anything back, or do any work themselves, then supporting them is not only torture, but morally and ethically wrong. It's a selfless hero eternally suffering, so that the weak, lazy and greedy can get all the reward, without working for it. <br /><br />Not a bad book at all...but long. REALLY REALLY long and repetitive.<br /><br />There, I just saved you 1,000 pages of reading.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">5. PUT SELF ON 'HOT OR NOT' WEBSITE</span><br /><br />With all that intellectual self indulgence, I realized that I probably needed to be taken down a peg or two, so it's off to the 'hot or not' website. The website name pretty much explains what it is. You post your picture, and anonymous people rate you from 1 to 10. <br /><br />I decided to use my basic picture, against the black background. Overall, it's my good side, but you still get a good shot of the humongous nose, ears, glasses, bald spot (around temples), and a peak of double chin.<br /><br />I braced myself for the worst...<br /><br />Huh. I actually didn't rate bad at all. Perhaps it's because the majority of women on the site are teenyboppers who like older men, or cougars looking for a younger fella. I've found, throughout my life, that I seem to appeal mainly to women furthest away from my age. When working at the mall, I got hit on a little by the shoppers, but only the teenage girls and elderly women. <br /><br />Hell, one of the teenage Jewish girls, roughly 1/3 my size (who swore she was 18, but I didn't believe her) even asked me out, while 'more or less' sitting on my lap. <br /><br />I said no...but it took me a second to think about it. What? Hey, I was single for a long time, so sue me. At least I didn't consider going out with one of the grannies. ^_^<br /><br />Anyway, I've darted around the issue long enough. Here's the breakdown of my 'rating'<br /><br />My average rating was 7.6 (not bad at all)<br /><br />15% rated me 1-2<br /><br />10% rated me 3-4<br /><br />50% rated me 5-6<br /><br />25% rated me 7-8<br /><br />No one rated me 9-10 (not a huge surprise)<br /><br />Unbelievably, I was rated more attractive than 73% of the guys on the site.<br /><br />Now, you fellow math nerds might realize that the numbers result in an average closer to 5.2, rather than 7.6, but that's because the site takes into account how people vote overall. In other words, if they know you only give 1-5, or only give 7-10, then they weigh your ratings differently, so the ratings you give more or less come out to a range of 1-10, no matter how you actually vote.<br /><br />Basically, it seems that I mainly appeal to women who normally don't like the guys on the site. Most of the other guys are teens...so yeah, I definitely think it's the 'older guy' factor. Teenage girls just don't like teenage guys. Can you blame them?<br /><br />So don't give up hope, fellow geeks! Just look for younger women. Just keep it about 18. No fair chasing jailbait (I'm looking at you, Jenny).<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">6. EAT A SPOONFUL OF WASABI</span><br /><br />Okay, I have to admit, I've gotten off easy for the last two challenges. It's time to really buckle down and do something harsh. I decided to eat a spoonful of wasabi. For those uninitiated, wasabi is a VERY spicy garnish for sushi. Real wasabi is rare and expensive, which is why at normal places they use horseradish. Pure horseradish, colored green.<br /><br />For personal safety, I decided that I didn't have to actually swallow it all, but had to take a heaping spoonful and put it in my mouth, as if I were eating pudding.<br /><br />Why? Because I know a guy who did. He'd never eaten at a Japanese place before, and asked what the green stuff was. One of his 'friends' (I'm using the term loosely here) jokingly said it was green pudding. Since there was green ice cream (pistachio) and green sweet dumplings, it wasn't that much of a stretch. <br /><br />So he took a spoonful, and before anyone could say anything, shoved it in his mouth.<br /><br />So I went to the Japanese buffet, got a nice heaping spoonful, and while no one was looking, did the same.<br /><br />Our results were similar.<br /><br />SWEETFUCKINGMOTHEROFMERCYJEESEHOODLYQUINTUPLESHITFUCKYFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />It was in every corner of my mouth.<br /><br />It was in my throat.<br /><br />I could feel it in my nose.<br /><br />Hell, I could feel it in my EARS.<br /><br />Soda didn't help, and neither did wiping it off. All that could save me was a frenzied rush to the men's room, past bewildered waiters and waitresses. There, I properly hosed down and scrubbed off the inside of my mouth. Regardless, I was almost sick with agony.<br /><br />That's it.<br /><br />I'm completing these challenges to the end, no matter what. <br /><br />There's no way that spoonful of wasabi is going to be for nothing!<br /><br /><br />NEXT WEEK: History, agony, bugs, and fiendish thingies!iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16566911.post-46599317810214966932009-05-28T06:07:00.000-07:002009-05-29T06:29:09.388-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">Oops!</span><br /><br />Sorry, lost track of time again. <br /><br />I was busy watching the new Star Trek movie. For a month and a half. Honest.<br /><br />Oh well, it's time to go back at it, with what's quite possibly my strangest idea yet! Okay, perhaps it's impossible to be stranger than the train trip one, or the Nerd RPG, but damn it, I'm going to try!<br /><br />It struck me one day at the gym, while I was waiting for the shower to heat up (I swear, it takes about a full minute to go from ice cold to 'sorta cold'), when I realized how much effort I give each day, just to feel comfortable.<br /><br />I'm not talking about avoiding significant pain, injury or misery, I'm just talking about those little annoyances and inconveniences that I refuse to live with, or deal with directly.<br /><br />Why am I spending so much time recoiling away from it? Why not embrace it, just to see how bad it really is?<br /><br />So I stepped into the shower while it was still ice cold.<br /><br />ICE cold.<br /><br />I cannot overemphasize the COLDNESS of the water. The fact I had just finished working out, driving my body heat up, turned the gym shower into a miniature sauna. It was all I could do not to scream, and get the authorities involved.<br /><br />I tried again the next day, this time in my own home, where I'm free to scream like a little girl as I please. Once more the next day, and I confirmed my suspicions...<br /><br />It sucks. <br /><br />Hot water RULES! There's no doubt about it, and I don't plan to voluntarily take a cold shower again...still, it wasn't the nightmarish scenario that sitcoms and commercials want us to believe. <br /><br />It was at that moment, that I realized the first challenge was done.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1. TAKE 3 COLD SHOWERS</span><br /><br />Perhaps it was the ice cold water freezing highly necessary regions of my brain, but I decided to make an official personal challenge out of it all. It was time to stop avoiding unpleasantness, just for the sake of knowing that 'yes, I've done that, and it sucks'. <br /><br />Now, this isn't an over macho test of fortitude or will. No, none of these tasks are meant to be a measure of anything, except perhaps stupidity, insanity, or (hopefully I fall into this category) open mindedness.<br /><br />I won't be doing anything obviously dangerous or illegal here, and it can't be anything that I'd do anyway. Some of them might not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, it's downright terrible to me.<br /><br />On a side note, my sister Amber seems a bit suspiciously 'eager' to help me think up challenges. I guess that's what I get for asking my little sister to help come up with unpleasant things for me to do.<br /><br />How high will it go? Who knows? Let's just get on with it!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE 2. LEARN BASIC AGRICULTURE</span><br /><br /><br />Every once and a while, I'm asked a question about plants, or agriculture. Hey, I work at a garden supply store/wholesaler, it happens. Of course, what not everyone knows is that I'm the computer geek at a garden supply store. <br /><br />My usual reply to plant/gardening questions is as follows:<br /><br />"If you show me the plant in question, I will probably...no promises here...probably be able to tell you if it's real or fake. Maybe."<br /><br />I know NOTHING about plants. Literally NOTHING.<br /><br />Oh sure, I know the basics, but when someone actually says the word 'photosynthesis', my mind envisions the plant making food from sunlight with miniature cartoony gears, and helpful elves. The science behind agriculture merely baffles me.<br /><br />So it was time to force myself to sit down and read about it.<br /><br />I checked out a basic book on agriculture, and was surprised with what I found. I won't bore you with all the details, but plants are seriously twisted life forms.<br /><br />For example, although plants absorb sunlight and carbon dioxide through their leaves, they eat and drink through their roots. I know it might not seem weird to you, but the thought of plants actually 'eating' through their roots makes them seem more like an awesome Spore creature than anything else.<br /><br />I learned why crop rotation is important, and how the loss of fossil fuels is going to make feeding everyone a lot more difficult, since you need it to make most commercial fertilizer that isn't waste based. I'd be lying if I said it was an exciting read, but honestly, it wasn't nearly as boring as I imagines. Hopefully all the challenges will be this easy.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE 3. TRY EVERY ITEM A BUFFET HAS TO OFFER</span><br /><br />God damn you, Amber. <br /><br />Okay, it's not fair if I went to a Buffet I was already familiar with. No, this has to be an unknown buffet, filled with mystery, danger, and nearly unlimited lukewarm food.<br /><br />I settled on a Chinese Buffet near the Monmouth mall. Amber dives into the crab legs like a wolf among lambs, leaving me to sample...well, everything. To make this physically possible, I decided to only take a little bit from each item, and to skip the basic 'filler' items that every restaurant has, like rice, soup, salad, fruit, and generic non-Asian desserts.<br /><br />My first plate was a collection of assorted sea food and deep fried chicken. All in all, it was fairly innocuous, with nothing really being that bad or good. The second plate was where things started to go wrong. There was more seafood and main courses, but everything was overcooked, lukewarm, and drowned in sauce.<br /><br />How the hell can something be overcooked and lukewarm?! Honestly! <br /><br />I decided to take a break from the generic bland stuff and went for the dessert table. An absolutely delicious crab rangoon set me up for the following dish: a red bean dumpling.<br /><br />This dumpling was nothing short of an atrocity. If possible, I would've called UN sanctions against this dumpling. The insides were burnt and terrible in ways I can hardly describe. During any normal day I would've passed over this questionable 'delight', but no, this was a challenge.<br /><br />I swear to God, it's the closest I've ever come to actually eating a shit sandwich.<br /><br />I tried to fight the taste off with sushi, but this wasn't normal sushi. Oh no, this was buffet sushi, which used crab spelled with a 'K', that arrived in tubs from Wisconsin. It wasn't all 'bad' per se, but my stomach was beginning to feel like something was seriously out of control, and the magical stomach elves that help digest food(if my knowledge of human anatomy is correct) all went on strike, leaving me to my fate.<br /><br />That fate was the raw seafood table. <br /><br />Now there's an important difference between sushi and raw fish. If these creatures had eyes, they'd be staring at me. With some reluctance, I filled my plate with the last of the food the buffet had to offer. <br /><br />If I ever figure out how to move pictures from my cell phone to the internet, I'll post the picture of the food that nearly claimed my life. <br /><br />First up was a clam. I wasn't sure if it was truly raw or merely steamed and then chilled, but besides being rubbery, it wasn't so bad. <br /><br />Next up was the miniature octopus, with all the tentacles and everything. By this time, my stomach elves were not only on strike, but also chanting 'union' and burning the factory down. I decided to just take a bite of the head. It was really salty, and reminded me of escargot (I've only eaten it once, and it tastes exactly like you'd expect: salty slugs). <br /><br />The raw oyster was all that was left. The wobbly...disfigured...bizarre looking oyster. After taking a moment brace myself, and a few cheers from Amber, my own personal sadist, I swallowed it whole, in one go.<br /><br />It felt like I just inhaled a snort of seawater. Besides the spray of salty air, I could also feel the damn oyster wobbling its way down towards my stomach. That'll teach those damn elves. Get back to work! No breaks!<br /><br />My only distraction from my experience was the 'date' happening at the table next to ours. If you ever wondered who would set up a date at a Chinese Buffet, I saw her. She was the kind of woman who's idea of 'dressing up for the date' was wearing the sort of clothes we wear on any normal given day. She even brought a bottle of wine. To a Chinese Buffet. Classy. <br /><br />Her date was equally sketchy, and as they attempted mid 40's desperation filled 'small talk', I took it as the best time to leave. I can only pray that the next challenge is a little easier.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">CHALLENGE 4. READ 'ATLAS SHRUGGED'</span><br /><br />God damn it.iamfortunesfoolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09724476820428753227noreply@blogger.com1