Max (and other strangeness)

2010-10-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Disney World! Flying was incredibly terrifying (nothing bad happened, I was just panicky in general), the rides were awesome, the entertainment and food was top notch, the princesses where HOT, and the only downside was that the inter-park/resort transportation was too cramped.

All in all, a really good time. Look for posts on Facebook for more. Anyway, let's finally finish the movie ranting up.

MOVIE RANT FINALE: HARLEQUIN CHRYSANTHEMUM REQUIEM

(What? I just tried to come up with the most ridiculous anime title I could.)

1991-1998: Meh

By far the biggest grouping of years yet, these years comprise most of my teens, and I have to say, it wasn't much of a decade for movies. Oh there were really good ones, but for every classic there was a 'Hook' (can you believe it made 300 million?!), and for every deeply satisfying tale there was a crappy 'famous actor' vehicle that wasn't good enough to stand up on its own (I'm looking at you, Forrest Gump).

1992 was almost good enough to stand on its own, with Aladdin, Lethal Weapon 3, a Few Good Men, Unforgiven, and Scent of a Woman, but it's just not...enough. Besides, I had to sit through K2 that year, which was easily the most disappointing R rated movie a 14 year old could see at the time.

1996 was also a good year for action movies, with Independence Day, Twister, Mission Impossible, and the Rock all in the same year. It was sort of a one trick pony though. If you wanted comedies you had...Cable Guy. Great.

Some of the notable standout performers:

Beauty and the Beast
Silence of the Lambs
Addams Family
Unforgiven
Groundhog Day
Nightmare Before Christmas
Mask
Interview with the Vampire
The Usual Suspects
Fargo
Men in Black
LA Confidential
Truman Show

1999-2007: 9 Years of Mediocrity

You could almost sense the beginning of the 'wave' in 1999. Star Wars Episode I was about to be released. I was graduating from Brookdale and one of my fellow graduates had the 'countdown to release' on the top of his cap.

Can you remember that? A time when the thought of the Star Wars prequels filled us all with joy and wonder? Good times, good times.

When the wave finally crashed, we not only found ourselves with two and a half hours of mediocre crap, but a disturbing new trend. For 9 years straight, hollywood...well...stopped trying.

Every movie was either a sequel, a remake, a movie shamelessly trying to become a trilogy, or a super hero movie. Nobody seemed to care about movies anymore. They were just something that 'happened' each summer.

Even the great series, like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, all seemed to become routine, and failed to excite us anymore. Strong movies like Matrix, Pirates of the Caribbean, Casino Royale, Spiderman, and Transformers, were quickly followed up by mediocre sequels that just ruined the original for us as well.

2000 was a particularly interesting year, as not only was there only a single good movie all year (What Lies Beneath), but it also seems to be the year that the Oscars got its head stuck up its ass. Remember when any movie could win awards? Now it seems that you can only win the big Oscars if nobody's seen your movie. Before 2000, there was no such thing as 'Oscar bait movies', as every movie could possibly win. Now, if you're not indie, then you might as well stay home.

If it weren't for Pixar, I'm not sure if we would've made it through most of this decade at all.

Some notable exceptions that weren't setups for trilogies, and terrible followups:

What Lies Beneath
Monsters Inc
Spirited Away
Finding Nemo
The Incredibles
The Departed
No Country for Old Men

Yup, that's it. Sad, isn't it?

2008-present: Heath Ledger sets us free

It's an absolute tragedy what happened to Heath Ledger, and worse yet, after filming Brokeback Mountain, he also went on to die young.

Regardless, he's my personal savior, as far as movies are concerned, because he finally gave us hope. In a way, the 'wave' of trilogies/remakes/crap was continuing, as the Dark Knight was yet another trilogy bait movie, but Heath managed to transcend the genre, and his part, by pulling out all the stops, and presenting us with not only the most terrifying Joker in history, but also one of the greatest villains ever.

It was this performance (and to some degree the tragedy) that saved us from the wave. With so much money from a single movie, people began to reassess 'success'. Sure, it was a superhero movie, but it was the amazing and unique performance which drew everyone in.

Of course, Ironman and Twilight caused the wave to sort of continue, but in 2009-2010, Hollywood seemed more open for experimentation, resulting in Avatar, which took the world by storm, and also more thought provoking hits, like District 9, Angels and Daemons, Inception, and more.

Even the kids movies and teen comedies (Toy Story 3 and Easy A, for example) just seemed...better. So what happened? I think I know:

People began to yearn for new and better movies. It wasn't enough to release the same crap over and over. America (and the world) wants to be 'wowed', and the box office results prove it. Sure, they may stumble here and there (Scott Pilgrim and such), but I think Hollywood gets it, so I have a good feeling that next summer will be one of the absolute...

Oh wait, they're just re-releasing all the Star Wars movies in 3D.

Never mind.

Anyway, with all these possibilities it's difficult to say which was the best for movies, but since waffling or declaring ties if for wusses, I'm going to have to go ahead and give it too...

1982

It may have been before I was quite ready for movies, and it might not have had all the hits, but this was just a great year for seeing 'good' movies. No matter what time of the year it was, you could go to the theater and see a movie that's not only on its way to becoming a classic, but is both entertaining and thought provoking as well. What more could you ask for?

Once again, some of the notable hits of that year:

Tootsie
Dark Crystal
Airplane 2
Blade Runner
The Thing
ET
Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan
Poltergeist
First Blood
Road Warrior
Conan the Barbarian

Go ahead. Grab a bucked of popcorn and take your pick. They're all well worth the price of admission. ^_^

2010-08-26T11:48:00.001-07:00

A woman once asked me a question…okay, it was Amber…anyway, asked why every kids movie needs to have rap songs in the soundtrack.

Now, nothing against rap (being white, I’m legally obligated to not understand it, mind you, but I still appreciate its merits), but these days it seems that every non-disney kids movie needs to be crammed full of mainstream pop songs of all kinds, including rap and R&B, even if all the characters are as white as the driven snow.

So I’d like to take a moment and point the blame where it belongs: Robin Williams.

Okay, only sorta. You see, where this really began are the family movies that wanted to be family friendly, while simultaneously ‘hip and with it’. As most of you know, this combination usually goes as well as peanut butter and negligent homicide.

Regardless, if you count it as a kids movie, then where it seemed to start was in 1993 with Mrs Doubtfire. Technically, it’s a normal comedy, but it was squarely aimed at kids, and they’re certainly the ones that kept filling the theatres to see it to listen to House of Pain’s hit “Jump around”. Who can forget family friendly lyrics such as ‘if your girl steps up, I’m smacking the hoe’?

All in all, it was family friendly comedies that weren’t specifically kids movies where the trend started, but if you want to know the first definite kids movie that included rap songs in the soundtrack, from what I can tell it was The Rugrats movie in 1998, which had several rap/R&B songs in the soundtrack. Yes, believe it or not, Dreamworks was not responsible. It was Nickelodeon.

Anyway, back to searching for the best year for movies in my lifetime. One thing’s for certain, it’s not going to be in the 90’s. Man, was that a lousy decade for movies.

1990

Plenty of shameful movies here, that weren’t so much ‘terrible’ as make us wonder what we were thinking: Home Alone, Pretty Woman, Dances With Wolves, and Ghost. You see? Not so much ‘I regret seeing it’ as ‘I regret having it in my DVD collection’.

There were a few good movies, but nothing earth shattering, besides Misery and Goodfellas: there was Kindergarten Cop, Back to the Future 3, Total Recall, Die Hard 2, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (what? It was a solid movie, damn it!).

1991-1993

Can you believe that Hook made 300 million dollars? For that crapfest?! I think that movie was the record for most acting careers simultaneously impaling themselves into the ground at once.

These three years were ‘okay’ for movies. They didn’t include too made winners, but quite a few good ones, and say what you want, at least they were original. The best of them are probably Unforgiven, Groundhog’s Day, and Nightmare Before Christmas. Other hits include:

Terminator 2
Addams Family (started/revived virtually every career in the movie)
Beauty & the Beast
Silence of the Lambs (either the best or worst date movie ever)
Hot Shots
Aladdin
Lethal Weapon 3
A Few Good Men
Scent of a Woman (along with the above, it made 1992 a great year for angry speeches)
Jurassic Park
Schindler’s List
Sleepless in Seattle
The Fugitive

1994-1995

This is where Hollywood began to really get lazy. For two solid years, it seemed that every movie included the same small handful of actors, playing exactly the same roles, in what as well may have been the exact same movie, multiple times. Again, there were a few gems, like Speed and ‘Interview with the Vampire’ (arguably Tom Cruise’s best performance ever), but the movies just seem inferior to that of the 80’s, overall. A few notable mentions:

Forrest Gump
Lion King (The dreaded beginning of fart jokes in Disney movies)
True Lies
The Mask
Dumb & Dumber
Four Weddings and a Funeral (AKA Five of the Same Thing)
Clear and Present Danger
Se7en (winner of the coveted ‘most pretentious title spelling’ award)
Casino
The Usual Suspects

1996-1998

Ah, the rise of the big budget blockbuster. There were a few here and there earlier on, but this is where it really started, with Independence Day. Suddenly every summer needed a star studded movie either by Michael Bay or James Cameron, with a 200 million dollar budget, a ridiculous script, and no shame.

Oh well, it was better than the mediocrity that came out in the few years before. In 1996 the big movies were Independence Day, Mission Impossible, and the Rock. In 1997 the big movies were Titanic and Men in Black. Finally, in 1998 it was Armageddon and Saving Private Ryan.

Like the ‘bully movies’ of the 80’s, these mega hits didn’t leave much room for anything else. The few notable exceptions were Twister, Fargo, LA Confidential, and the Truman Show (the sound you hear is Jim Carrey’s career peaking).

1999

If you sense the rumbling of something dreaded approaching, it’s not just you.

This was a big year for movies…perhaps too big. All at once were a bunch of movies that weren’t exactly Oscar worthy, but regardless, drew unprecedented crowds to the theatres, and not just the teen girls that saw Titanic 20 times, no, this was everyone.

The came in hordes to see movies like:

Star Wars Episode 1
6th Sense
Toy Story 2
Matrix
The Mummy
Austin Powers 2

Perhaps it was all the big blockbusters of the previous few years, but people were now coming to the movies in droves. Imagine you’re Hollywood, standing upon the precipice of this amazing new market trend. What do you do?

Do you build a strong audience through innovation and talented creators, like in the 70’s?

Or do you just churn out sequel/remake after half-assed sequel/remake, for a decade straight?

*DUCKS AND BRACES HIMSELF FOR THE NEXT DECADE*

2010-08-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

A man once asked me if “George W. Bush wants to go to Mars, why doesn’t he first come down to Earth?”

He asked me this, unprovoked, in line at McDonalds, six months into Obama’s presidency.

A far more sane and relevant question once asked of me was “What year, since your birth, has been the best year for movies?”

Considering it was asked in a kitchen of a good friend’s house, I’ve decided to answer this one, instead of just slowly backing towards the emergency exit.

I’m not counting movies that came out before I was two. At that age anything with flashing lights and colors would impress me…come to think of it, that would pretty much remain true until my early 20’s. Regardless, we have to start somewhere, and that place is the 80’s, starting with 1981:

1981 and 1983

Why have I included 1983 in there as well? Because they’re close together, and share something important in common: they were years with a ‘bully movie’, or in other words, a movie where one movie completely dominated the market, causing Hollywood to push off their better movies until the following year.

In 1981, that movie was Raiders of the Lost Ark, and in 1983 it was Return of the Jedi. Both fine movies, Ewoks aside, but a single great movie isn’t enough to carry you for a whole year, so we have to leave these years behind, and go on to…

1982

Now this was a fine year for movies, although not all movie snobs may agree. Oh sure, it didn’t have the 4 star critics choice movies, but looking back, it had a ton of very good ones (especially if you’re a geek):

Tootsie
Dark Crystal
Airplane 2 (you might not remember, but the Airplane movies made a ton of money)
Tron
Blade Runner
The Thing
ET
Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan
Poltergeist
First Blood (the first Rambo movie, and the only one I’m willing to watch)
Road Warrior
Conan the Barbarian

What? Okay, these aren’t exactly ‘high cinema’, but dammit, they’re great all round entertaining movies! It’s so rare to have a year with so many good ones.

1984

It was a bright and cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen…

Sorry, got distracted there. 1984 was an alright year for movies. There weren’t too many great ones compared to mediocre/bad ones, but they had Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Terminator, and This is Spinal Tap. Not too shabby, if you ask me.

1985

Ah, what a great year for 80’s movies. In fact, it’s probably the definitive year for 80’s movies. Granted, these are all 80’s movies, but this was the year with movies we’d come to define the 80’s with:

Back to the Future
Breakfast Club (I am still ready, willing, and able to rock Molly Ringwald’s world)
Clue
Goonies (ditto for Kerri Green)
Teen Wolf
Weird Science
Rocky 4 (ditto for…just kidding ^_^)

1986 and 1988

Yes, another grouping. Only this time, these were years that had a few very nice gems, mixed in with a good deal of mediocrity. It was like eating a large bowl of Frankenberry cereal, only with most of the marshmallows picked out (sorry Stephen).

Little Shop of Horrors
Platoon
Stand By Me
Labyrinth (ditto for Jennifer Connelly, but that pretty much goes without saying)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (always a lot of fun)
Die Hard
Aliens (stop watching the series here)
Naked Gun
Beetlejuice (one of the most original movies ever made, period)
Scrooged

1987

This was the year for ‘guy’ movies. Action, comedy, and horror ruled the day, and rightly so. ^_^

Okay, there’s more to life than just machinegun fire, geeky jokes, and topless women…but could you imagine a world where there wasn’t? What a place it would be.

Untouchables
Lethal Weapon
Robocop
Full Metal Jacket (stop watching when they arrive in Vietnam)
Spaceballs
Beverly Hills Cop 2
Predator
Princess Bride (not just a chick movie, regardless of what anyone says)
Running Man
Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (this and 4 were the best of the series)

1989

I almost grouped this in with 86 and 88, as it was a mediocre year for movies littered with a few gems, but it’s interesting to note that this year featured two movies that redefined their genres, and opened up the market for a whole new slew of movies: Batman and Little Mermaid.

Kids movies and Superhero movies were suddenly hot, and that popularity is still continuing on to this day (until it ends with Thor, later this year).

Other good movies include Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Lethal Weapon 2, and Honey I Shrunk the Kids (a fun movie, despite the crappy sequel).

Well that’s it for the 80’s, which all things considered, was an excellent decade for movies. What comes next?

Pain.

Pure 90’s flavored ‘PAIN’.

2010-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

The Old Future

Ah, another month gone by, lost to incessant typing at work, and it's time to force the twisted, malformed claws that were once my hands to crank out another blog post. Good times. ^_^

I've been watching some old sci-fi movies and TV shows, and one thing that intrigues me is the 'old' future.

I'm talking about the future from three or more decades ago, when everyone had laser guns the size of toaster ovens, wore jumpsuits, and fought against the dark forces of the universe while sporting mullets.

Not only is it goofy, but it's a lot of fun to see how things match up to the way real life turned out, especially when a simple invention from our own present could have literally solved most or all their problems in a heartbeat.

Here are some of my favorite examples:

Time Chasers

YEAR: 2050

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Kids with cell phones.

SUMMARY: Nevermind that the secret for time travel is kept on eight floppy disks (that's the soft 5in disks), but the future is basically just like today, only with more colorful clothing, and kids using cell phones. That is, until the main character, a time traveling buffoon, accidentally turns it all into Fallout 3.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Going back and killing the main character's grandfather. I think it's worth a shot.

The Jetsons

YEAR: The faroff year of 2002

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Futuristic Flintstones, only with robots and sliding floors instead of dinosaurs.

SUMMARY: The curiously empty (where the hell is everyone?) future is inexplicably far up in the sky, and everyone is moved around on giant conveyor belts, or in personal space ships, both of which look like the worst death traps ever imaginable.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Hand rails

Star Wars

YEAR: Long, long ago...in the future

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Cross Dune with Buck Rogers, Muppets, and 70's hair cuts.

SUMMARY: Cowboys/Samurai/Monk/Bene Gesserit heroes destroy evil/nefarious/villainous/Orwellian dickbags, through the power of the force/hope/magic/love/blindly wandering from scene to scene without planning or communication.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Twitter

Star Trek

YEAR: 2264+

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Amazing handheld devices that allow them to communicate with each other from long distances away (but not see eachother or take pictures), comfortable jumpsuits, and lots of alien sex.

SUMMARY: The crew blindly teleports down to a planet without sending any sort of probe, lose one member of their team to killer aliens, discover their their phasers are useless, and then karate chop their way to universal peace.

*As a side note, I'd like to add that in one episode of Star Trek Next Generation, Riker vaguely remembers an incident similar to the one they were currently having, and Data agrees to research it. The time it will take to do the research? 7 hours. Can you imagine a world where it took 7 hours to find basic information? Here's how that'd go in present day:

RIKER: "I remember some other incident in the past similar to ours. I need you to research it in the computer. How long will it take?"

DATA: "Seven hours."

RIKER: "You're fired. Jordi, could you..."

JORDI: "Already got it."

*

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Cell phone cameras and Google

Space Mutiny

YEAR: 2000...something

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Space ships that run on Commodore 64s, psychic strippers, and sets remarkably similar to modern breweries.

SUMMARY: Strong heroes and treacherous villains do battle in an old abandoned factory while riding tripped out zambonies. Eventually the villains are shot, and fall over railings, to their deaths.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Better railings, and any form of transportation that's far more quick than a zamboni, including golf carts, Segways, or walking.

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8th DIMENSION

YEAR: The near future

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: the 80's, only more so

SUMMARY: Brain surgeon, rocket scientist, 80's rock star, and master samurai 'Buckaroo Banzai' takes on evil aliens that look like fish-men, and have names like 'Big-Booty'. In his spare time, he blows the world's mind with amazing world changing invention, rocks out mid-80's style, and romances Ellen Barkin.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: a better looking girlfriend

2010-01-29T12:56:00.000-08:00

Play it, Sam

I've been gone for a month because I've been doing nothing but type at work, and my hands look like Dumbledore's in the last Potter movie.

So instead of a full post, I'm going to cut and paste my 100 all time favorite songs. I recently assembled them because I want to see which I have, and which I need to get through iTunes.

To keep it from being just Dubliners and They Might Be Giants, I'm putting a cap of 6 songs at most from each performer.

Feel free to judge my worth as a human being from the list:

Silent hill theme, Akira Yamaoka

Killing me softly, Aretha franklin

God only knows, Beach boys

Sabotage, Beastie boys

Ballad of john and yoko, Beatles

Black bird, Beatles

Come together, Beatles

Penny lane, Beatles

Ticket to ride, Beatles

Godzilla, Blue oyster cult

These times they are a changin', Bob dylan

More than a feeling, Boston

Meanwhile rick james, Cake

Surrender, Cheap trick

Lady in red, Chris de burgh

Run run rudolph, Chuck berry

Bad moon rising, Creedence clearwater revival

Have you ever seen the rain, Creedence clearwater revival

Come on eileen, Dexy's midnight runners

Cover of the rolling stone, Dr. hook and the medicine show

Anything, anything, Dramarama

Black velvet band, Dubliners

Dirty old town, Dubliners

I love him the best, Dubliners

Mcalpine's fusilliers, Dubliners

Rocky road to dublin, Dubliners

Hotel california, Eagles

Wonderful tonight, Eric Clapton

More than words, Extreme

Smile for me rose marie, Flying machine

Whole lotta love, Frank zappa

Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz

Boston and st johns- live, Great big sea

Pulling muscles from a shell, Head automatica

Let her cry, Hootie and the blowfish

End of the tour, Hotel lights

White rabbit, Jefferson airplane

All along the watchtower, Jimi hendrix

Purple haze, Jimi hendrix

Ring of fire, Johnny cash

Suicide is painless, Johnny Mandel

Dust in the wind, Kansas

Jenny was a friend of mine, Killers

When you were young, Killers

Kashmir, Led zepplin

Stairway to heaven, Led zepplin

Mack the knife, Louis armstrong

Whiskey in the jar, Metallica

Enter sandman, Metallica

One, Metallica

Smooth criminal, Michael jackson

Thriller, Michael jackson

Never had to knock on wood, Mighty mighty bosstones

Riders on the storm, Moody blues

I am I said, Neil diamond

Bizarre love triangle, New order

Don't speak, No doubt

Don't look back in anger, Oasis

When a man loves a woman, Percy sledge

Comfortably numb, Pink floyd

Money, Pink floyd

Shine on you crazy diamond, Pink floyd

Us and them, Pink floyd

Wish you were here, Pink floyd

Whiter shade of pale, Procol harum

Another one bites the dust, Queen

Hammer to fall, Queen

One vision, Queen

Seven seas of rye, Queen

Somebody to love, Queen

Under pressure, Queen

End of the world as we know it, REM

Mothers little helper, Rolling stones

Paint it black, Rolling stones

Under my thumb, Rolling stones

Sound of silence, Simon and garfunkel

Tonight, Smashing pumpkins

Still remains, Stone Temple Pilots

Santeria, Sublime

Head over heels, Tears for fears

House of the rising sun, The Animals

Monday Monday, The Mommas and the poppas

Don't stand so close to me, The Police

Lie still little bottle, They might be giants

Narrow your eyes, They might be giants

Put your hand inside the puppet head, They might be giants

Raincoat, They might be giants

Spiraling shape, They might be giants

They'll need a crane, They might be giants

I think we're alone now, Tommy james and the shondells

Xmas eve/ sarajevo, Trans Siberian Orchestra

With or without you, U2

Moondance, Van morrison

Blister in the sun, Violent femmes

Gone daddy gone, Violent femmes

Buddy holly, Weezer

Only in dreams, Weezer

Yoda (live version), Weird Al

All she wants, Wham

Gone til november, Wyclef jean

2009-12-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

RETAIL WAR JOURNAL

Still not gritty enough for the major studios? Hmm...or perhaps this war journal is simply TOO gritty.

If the commercials for 'Avatar' have shown me anything, it's that people love watching mind blowing, awesome near disasters. Perhaps a more 'modern war camera shaking while the heroes run towards the viewer' approach is necessary.

LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: Part 3

Dear...OH MY GOD! RUN!

I know you're reading this at home, but I don't care! RUN RUN RUN!!!

My God, they're coming at me from all sides! Lunging up and and down the aisles, crying, whining, and asking a never ending supply of ridiculous questions!

I do my best to race down the aisles safely, with return cart in hand, but with each aisle there's another parent thrusting their newborn children face first into oncoming traffic.

I narrowly avoid another stroller, and begin to wonder how 'intentionally' these strollers are being blindly thrusted forward. All I'm saying is that they DO sell life insurance policies for toddlers. It's a possibility.

Racing down the appropriate aisles, with the PA system blaring out automated orders, as enemy fire (and by fire, I again mean stupid questions) flies by my head, narrowly missing by inches. All I have to do to make it to my section is get around...a lady...

To say that her ass was huge, would not convey the orbiting monstrosity that laid before me. Sure enough, she was bending all the way over, and taking up enough space to fit two full grown men with her posterior alone. I crept, like a trooper crawling by barbed wire, knowing that even the slightest touch would be...awkward and weird, to say the least.

Barely making it by with my life, I nearly smack face first into a...person. A person of a...gender, of some sort, I suppose.

"How may I assist you...uh...misssssst..."

The 'thing' mercifully cuts me off. I hear them talk, but still have no clue what gender to associate with them. They're roughly 16-17, with black feathery hair, a slim figure, a high pitched voice, and a vaguely masculine face. My gut said 'guy', but their hands were the most feminine I've seen on a grown human being, male or female.

I quickly excuse myself, knowing that the slightest misspoken word could end with their emo friends (mix of men and women, so no help there) stomping the ever living sh*t out of me with their Hot Topic boots.

I can only pray that either way, that person never winds up in prison.

A bossy, yet friendly mom casually stops to ask me a question, and I gladly...I mean 'quickly' avert my eyes from her chest. The initial glance revealed that 'they' were not only huge and all but exposed to the world, but also covered in a giant, black 'bird-like' tattoo.

Did I mention that her large, 'biker' husband was about eight feet away?

They also had an adorable daughter in the cart, who was wearing...DAMN IT! Caught a glimpse of the mom's chest again, bad Max! It doesn't help that her tattoo makes it stand out even further, which was probably her intention, but at the same time I didn't think her Hells Angel husband would think the same way.

The buxom mom proves to be my savior, by asking if we have a product up in overstock.

"Oh! Overstock UP THERE? Ah, allow me to look UP THERE to see if there's anything..."

Barely avoiding a metal bat to the head (if 70's biker movies have taught me anything), I avoid a few more lunging strollers, and reach another mom, this time with a cheerful teenage daughter.

They ask a few questions about the fashion accessories, and all goes well, right up until I notice the daughter's stomach.

It's the same problem all over again, only this time with a twist. Despite being 13-14ish, I swear to God, that girl was pregnant. She was even doing the lifetime original movie thing, wearing about three layers and a flannel shirt, as if to cover it...but no, that round belly usually meant only one thing.

I stayed cool. Perhaps I was wrong. After all, everything else seemed to be normal...bizarrely normal. Did the mom not know? How the hell could she not know? If I was the girl's father, I sure the hell would have said something!

Or perhaps they didn't think much of it. I could just imagine...

"Okay honey, you can have the fashion design play set, but no more toys until after you have your illegitimate child, and we go on Springer. Then you can get the Barbie nail salon."

I feared for my life as never before, knowing that a single question or comment would be the end of me. All I needed was a distraction.

Ah! A man over here needs help, perhaps I can help this Hasidic Jewish man instead. He was obviously Hasidic/Orthodox Jewish in appearance, although that didn't mean...

"Oi, these prices are so high! How could they charge so much?"

Oh no.

"Are they any cheaper, discount items on sale?"

I bit my lip.

"These discount toys aren't crumby are they? I want to get a good deal on this."

Why must you test me, oh Lord?

Nearly collapsing from the encounter into uncontrollable (yet very guilty) fits of laughter, I mercifully got called away to the manager's office. The woman in HR showed me a paper that everyone had to sign.

It was entitled: BLOGGING AND SOCIAL NETWORKING POLICY

Oh no.

"You see, we need our employees to agree not to say or write anything on the internet..."

I've been made.

"...that might cast the company in a negative or embarrassing light."

I'm screwed.

"That also goes for comments that may cast the customers in a negative or embarrassing light."

Game over, man! GAME OVER!

"Just sign here."

With the best poker face I could muster, I took the pen, and signed my scrawl.

Lord protect us all...

(Squad Sgt Max went missing in action shortly before this letter was aired, although evidence suggests he suffered a vicious attack from a giant giraffe-like creature wearing a red shirt)

2009-12-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

MAX'S WAR JOURNAL PART 2: THE PROFITING

Hmm...I can only conclude that the lack of offers from the major media outlets is a result of my journal being far too light and cheerful. No, they obviously want something a little darker, and grittier.

LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: PART 2

*distant sounds of helicopters in background*

I can't believe I'm back in Saigon...and by Saigon, I mean Toys R Us...in Saigon. They swore it was the closest Toys R Us to Freehold, New Jersey and I was too blinded by loyalty to question it.

Retail is war. Worse yet, it's the only form of war where you're required to be polite to the enemy.

Oh yes, retail is war...and war is HELL!

And hell is PURGATORY!

And purgatory is a LONG WORD!

The screams of the kids still echo through my mind, their cries of 'Zuzu Pets' still haunting my soul to its core. The only thing more haunting is what I knew they'd do in order to get one. I shudder at the thought.

Every now and then a rookie asks me a question, as if I'm in charge, not knowing that I was just as clueless as they were as to the purpose of our mission, or the best course of action. I try not to get attached to the rookies. Most of them won't last even a single day out here in the thick of the action.

They just canceled our leave, unexpectedly. The automated announcement over the loud speaker that told us we were closed were quickly followed up by the voice of the assistant manager, assuring the customers that the message was in error, and we would be open for several hours yet.

The groans, curses, and death threats that followed from the staff are all a part of working retail, and every associate goes a little insane from it all.

Last night my mind broke at around 10:30, resulting in my development of a new skateboarding trick: you ride at top speed towards a long metal pole (like a lamp post), leap up into the air, spread your legs wide, and then pass straight through the metal pole, groin first. I call it the 'Kobayashi Maru'. Or better yet, the 'Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru'.

My insanity is more low key compared to some of the others. Some hoot, some holler, some hit on co-workers less than half their age (I'm looking at you, Kathy), and one guy even ran past me yesterday, hunched over and grabbing at his groin, while not making a single sound.

Others are merely mutinous, resulting in a fair bit of anarchy. Every day I find more and more hidden piles of toys. You could blame it on the customers, but I saw the same items earlier in the day in the 'return carts', waiting to be put back on the shelves. Someone might just have to frag their asses.

And by frag I mean...actually, I just mean frag. No analogies here.

Last night I stumbled upon another pile of returned goods, stuffed towards the back of a shelf. With a low grumble I yanked it out, and found it was a Zuzu pet playset.

MY GOD! MY LIFE WAS IN DANGER!

Any moment a hundred screaming, raving customers would be lunging for my throat, and clawing at the box in my hands. By the time they'd be finished, I'd be little more than a shred of meat stuck to a pile of bones.

For all purposes, I was holding a live grenade, with the pin already pulled out, and making cute hamster noises.

In a crazed rush I lunged towards the front, hopped on a skateboard, and unsuccessfully performed the Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru on a six foot stack of 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos'.

The resulting distraction allowed me to ditch the dreaded robotic hamster playset on the front counter.

I'd survived. Another day down, and fourteen to go...

Seasonal Sales Associate, Robert "Maxcat" Freeman

(Robert Freeman died three days later, in a skateboarding related tragedy. His family has asked that all donations be forwarded to Will Shatner)

2009-12-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

For those that don't know, I've started working a part time job at Toys R Us this Christmas season. This, along with a few personally relevant Penny Arcade comics, have led me to start a war journal of my time in retail.

Due to intense budget needs (related to my intense greed) I'm pitching the journal to several different producers and TV channels, starting with the History Channel:

LETTERS FROM THE FRONT

My dearest Isabelle,

It's been several weeks since the fighting started, and I now find myself in pitched battle with the people I recently called brother: the customers.

Not to long ago I would've happily walked amongst their kind, but now I count each damn one of them as my mortal nemesis, to either be quickly destroyed, or assisted with as little effort as possible, whichever is more convenient for me at the time.

Even as I write, I can hear the distant screams of small children, each afflicted with the harshest punishment that God could ever inflict upon one of his creations:

Not immediately receiving the toy they want, the second they demand it.

Their screams will haunt me to my dying day, and I can only hope our sons, Ezekiel, Abraham, Solomon, Moses, and Jesus Von Christenmier will never know the same pain.

This morning I was assigned to deliver a message to the front lines. Come hell or high water, I had to track down one General 'Cindy', and deliver a life or death message regarding Zu Zu pets.

My journey was slightly delayed by the appearance of a striking southern belle, who was specifically striking a coworker of mine when I approached. She wailed on and on about Superman toys, not knowing that Superman hasn't been popular since he died, marking him as the Michael Jackson of superheroes.

Nothing could calm the young beauty, as she emitted cries of 'overstock' and 'check the back room'. My fellow brother in arms feebly did his best to help the hysterical woman, as I resigned myself back to my mission.

The darkest moment during my travels was when I came upon a fallen display. The poor sap once consisted of an even pile of scooters in boxes, but now its body was little more than a jumbled mess. A nearby comrade stopped by, and confirmed my fears.

Gangrene.

The Docs had to literally pull the poor soul apart, and then reassemble him as best they could. As far as I know he survived, but I couldn't stay behind to make sure. I had a message to deliver.

It was then that I realized the comrade who stopped to help me was none other than General 'Cindy'. The strain of war had destroyed all pomp and grandeur that once existed in her position. Now she was indecipherable from the rest of us grunts, apart from the nametag with the word 'Manager' upon it.

In response to my orders, she gave me back an additional message to memorize and destroy, regarding the Star Wars Lego sale.

Having committed its contents to memory, I discarded the message in the safest and surest manner possible: by stuffing it in a cigar box and tossing it into the center of the road.

Well, I have to go now, my love. May the Lord keep you in his loving arms, and not arbitrarily kill you on a whim.

Your loving husband,

Private Robert 'Sales Associate' Freeman

(Private Robert Freeman would survive the dreaded battle of Black Friday, and later perish from a ferocious toddler attack at the battle of Barbie's Dream Mansion.)

2009-11-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

100th Post

Uh...yay?

Go me?

Okay, the delay has been from the fact that I keep trying to come up with something special for the 100th post, but damn it, I keep coming up empty. It's just too hard to top 'Inglorious Potters'. Why the hell did that have to be the 99th post?

Until I get the 'Wayback Machine' fully working, I'm just going to have to go with a typical Shakespearean resolution: the Apocalypse.

FOR THE COST OF ONE '2012'

Now, I'm not saying that '2012' is a bad movie, it's just an unfortunate movie. It's like saying that a Nascar event was a success because the fans loved the crash that crippled three men.

To give you an idea of the level we're working with, they build giant, futuristic ships to sail through the apocalypse in. One plot point is that they're steering towards Mount Everest, which rises high above the water line...so why didn't they just hide on top of the mountain, instead of building the giant ships? You'd think that would've been easier.

Oh, and needless to say, the little dog lives. As far as I'm aware, every dog on the planet survived, if the director has any say.

2012 is all about the ridiculous spectacle that could only derive from a hackneyed director, dull plot, mediocre actors, a two and a half hour run time, and a $250 million dollar budget. Independence Day seems subtle and nuanced by comparison. Seriously, 2012's John Cusack will make you honestly wonder why Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum didn't both take home gold on Oscar night.

But I digress. For my 100th post, I am going to present several 'alternate' apocalypse movies that are just as good as 2012, only with a tiny fraction of the budget. In fact, all these movie ideas combined only come out to about half of 2012's explosive budget, run 90 minutes tops, and make just as much scientific sense.

All Hollywood producers are asked to post their offers in the comments section of the blog:

PITCH #1

A small girl in Ohio skips rope in a playground...

Across the planet, a man raises his arm towards a box on the top of a bookshelf. It's just out of reach...

In Canada, a teenage track and field athlete is preparing for the long jump event...

In England, a docks worker is ready to leave the ship and go to port. There's a two foot gap between his ship and the pier....

In the White House, the President of the United States sees a giant cockroach...

What will happen to the world when EVERYONE JUMPS AT THE SAME TIME?!!!

Beware world, the A-hop-alypse has begun...

Now, I'm pretty sure that idea is worth a $2 million contract right there, but just in case:

PITCH #2

In 2010, a young scientist presented the world with his findings, and announced that the world would come to a sudden an abrupt end on December 9th, 2012.

They called him crazy.

Then, at exactly 12:01 am, on December 9th of the year 2012...nothing happened.

He was crazy.

PITCH #3

Scientists couldn't believe it. Religious leaders couldn't accept it. Politicians were powerless to confront it.

The sun, unchanged for all human history, suddenly outstretched itself in opposite directions, as if extending two impossibly long arms.

In the days that followed, the people of the world began to swear that a face was beginning to form upon the sun, although no one could discern what it felt.

Then suddenly, without warning, the sun's new appendages stretched towards the Earth, yet instead of burning the world to a crisp, they merely hung in the air above the planet, each emitting a silvery glow at the end, as if the sun were holding a giant metallic object in each hand...

Without warning, the continent sized raisins began to fall.

This summer, the sun is bringing two scoops of annihilation for humanity...

Those three movies alone will make my career. I better make one that'll win awards though...

PITCH #4

Panic erupts in the streets. There is no warning or preparation. What caused this madness? Why did it have to happen? No one can say. All we know is:

Every woman on Earth, over the age of 18, has mysteriously lost all their clothes. More perplexingly, each of them have also become surrounded by full length mirrors, and each take at least a two full minutes to realize that anything has happened.

Starring: Salma Hayek, Megan Fox, Jennifer Lopez, Katie Featherston, Kate Beckinsale, Dolly Parton (yeah, I know she's 63, but I don't care), Emma Watson, Vickie Eng, Miley Cyrus (filming to begin 11/24/2010), and many more!

This summer, we...uh...the world is...oh f*ck it, just come and see the movie, guys. You know you're going to.

I know what you're thinking. Max, you're setting yourself up for an Orson Welles-like situation, where you'll never be able to top yourself. Well, I was going to save this, but here's the final Pitch to be made last, just to round out the career:

PITCH #5

The scene opens with a scientist urgently making his way into the oval office. The president is startled, and secret service agents rush in, but not before the young scientist can speak.

"Mr. President, I'm sorry for the intrusion, but the world is headed towards catastrophe!"

The president sent the secret service agents out of the room, and allowed the young man to continue,

"If my calculations are correct, sir, the moon has dropped out of Earth's rotation, and is now hurtling directly towards us!"

The president looks thoughtfully out the window, as if wondering what to do. With a slight cough, he addresses the young man for the first time,

"So it is true. Several other leading scientists have told me the same thing, but no one can say why, or exactly what will happen."

Proudly, but with some fear, the young scientist sifted through his notes, and handed a bunch to the president, while softly speaking,

"I believe I know what will happen, sir. The moon is going to crush and flatten in space, before reaching us, spinning outwards as it flies, but always snapping back to its basic round shape, with the surface curling at the edges, and large mountains forming along its surface."

The president urged the young scientist to continue, who barely eked out,

"When it hits the Earth, it's going to surround most of it, as if wet and spongy, before the rubble slowly drifts away in a single mass, and falls towards the sun."

The president hammered his fist upon the table, in furious rage.

"So that's it then? There's nothing we can do before it lands on our heads?"

The young scientist gave a slight cough, to interrupt.

"Not exactly on our heads, sir. My research shows that the mass of the moon will directly seek our our ocular organs when it hits."

The president could barely find the courage to stammer out,

"So you mean..."

"Yes sir...the moon will hit our eyes like a big pizza pie."

This summer...that's AMOREGEDDON!

2009-10-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

IS IT JUST ME, OR DID DRACO GET OFF EASY?

*In the middle of the forbidden forest, Draco, Goyle, Harry and Ron are hanging out, shortly after the end of the 7th book*

DRACO: "Well, no hard feelings, Potter. I guess alls well that ends..."

*Harry 'Avada Kedavra's' Goyle*

DRACO: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I switched sides! You'll be killed..."

HARRY: "Nah, more likely chewed out. He did try to kill us earlier after all. Anyway that deal was for you, and it's a good deal. Weaken the Dark Lord's power by being the wand's master? Enable us to kill the Dark Lord. That's a good deal. You like that deal, Ron?"

RON: "I'd take that deal."

HARRY: "Yeah, that's a good deal. Now scalp Goyle."

DRACO: "What? Why?!"

HARRY: "It's sort of a 'thing' I'm starting. Anyway, when you leave here, avoid Azkaban, and rejoin high society Draco...I bet you're going to keep that dark mark covered...ain't ya?"

DRACO: *shudders*

HARRY: "Yeah, that's what I thought, and Ron and I don't like that, do we?"

*Ron finishes scalping Goyle*

RON: "Not one bit.

*Harry leans forward, towards Draco's ear, and begins to whisper*

HARRY: "You see if it were up to me, you'd proudly display that Dark Mark every day for the rest of your wand suckin' life...but I'm aware that ain't practical, so..."

*Harry draws a huge magical bowie knife*

HARRY: "So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off..."

*And ten minutes later, after branding Draco, burying Goyle's body next to the Dursley family's, and peeking in on Hermoine while she's taking a shower, they all lived happily ever after*

THE END

2009-10-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ewwwwwwww....

Challenge #22: Change a dirty diaper

Okay, I've dodged it long enough. It's time to take little Jacob (that's little in the ironic sense, like Mafia guys named 'Tiny') to the changing room, under the careful guidance of Pat.

Luckily, the scope and magnitude of the diaper changing isn't nearly as catastrophic as Nicky's. I mean, good lord...I'm amazed Nicky's body could contain that much. Jake is a bit better, but yeah, it isn't pretty. It didn't help that he kept trying to kick his way out of my grasp. GOOD LORD that kid's strong!

Anyway, after popping my arm back into its socket, I cleaned the kid up (again, not the least bit of shame or empathy from the kid himself...he could at least pretend to be sorry), and put on a new diaper.

Honestly, the hardest part was getting him back IN to his jumper. I tried wrestling with him and his outfit a bit, but he countered the move into a hurricana suplex. I considered grabbing a folding chair to help even the odds, but I was pretty sure the ref (Jenny) wouldn't have approved. Pat had to tag in to take over at that point.

Still, I survived the diaper changing. Some other relatives weren't so lucky (we remember you fondly, Steve).

CHALLENGE #23: Early to bed...

I've never been one to go to bed early, but you know how the saying goes 'Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise'.

A week later and...no, there isn't any additional money in my wallet.

Am I any wiser? I'm posting on a blog on the internet...so I'm going to venture a 'no'.

What about my health? Not only did I get sick, but I caught the flu, right about the same time the swine flu was getting everywhere. Hmm.

So, 'Early to bed, and early to rise, gives you Swine Flu'. Yeah, I guess that's nowhere as catchy.

CHALLENGE #24: Eat a large plate of pickled beets.

Yeah, there's a few more food challenges. I decide to brave the food that kids cartoons have warned me about for decades...

Those fricking liars! Grouchy bear from the care bears was dead right! Lionheart doesn't know what the hell he's talking about! (oh, and curse you Amber, for subjecting me to 'girly' kids cartoons throughout my youth)

Pickled beets are delicious! I could really go for a large plate of them right now! Once again, I feel like I got off easy. Let's make the next one a hard one.

CHALLENGE #25: Give self the worst brainfreeze possible

This one took a few test starts, sort of like the 'go a day without intentionally scratching' challenge. I swear, I did my best to down slurpees as quickly as possible (the only way a true geek would achieve the brain freeze), but nothing happened of note. Oh sure, there was a chill or two, but nothing that bad.

I took several weeks, when I was drinking a slurpee for fun, not even thinking about the challenge...when it happened.

My brain sqeezed shut like a vice. I didn't go for a warm drink, oh no, that'd be cheating. All I could do was ride out the wave, like a sarcastic careless teen on Baywatch, only there weren't any porn stars to save me.

A few minutes later and the agony crescendoed into a manageable state, and I dragged myself from the floor of my car. Can you believe Slurpees created an advertising campaign out of brain freezes? That's like trying to sell a snack bar through crotch punches!

Oh well, I'll just top the Slurpee off with some rubber bands.

CHALLENGE# 26: Chew on rubber bands, as if they were gum

Alright, let's clean these boys off...yeah, I don't see how this could go wrong.

I can't even begin to describe how disgusting that was.

Nicky's 'uh-oh' takes second.

I'm going to crawl back onto the floor of my car now.

2009-09-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

Max Freeman

Patriot, Visionary, and Inventor of Ham

In honor of Max Freeman's birthday, we will be taking a break from the challenges to list the author of this blog's greatest accomplishments, year by year, each coincidentally occurring upon his birthday.

1978:

Moments after being born, a Doctor smacked Max several times on the bottom. Regardless, the young spy refused to tell him anything.

1979:

Began walking and talking, inventing both.

1980:

Successfully brought down a very small portion of the Berlin Wall, for round about 2 minutes.

1981:

Led one lightsaber wielding action figure to victory in the battle of 'kill all the other action figures'.

1982:

Drank his first and last beer.

1983:

Ended slavery in Texas, forcing his family to flee to the northeast.

1984:

Successfully infiltrated the school system, using the cover name 'Robert'.

1985:

Invented ham.

1986:

Played as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots at superbowl XX, leading them to a glorious 846-10 loss.

1987:

Successfully pre-venged the death of his grandson.

1988:

Endorses Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign.

1989:

Uses the force to choke Michael Dukakis to death.

1990:

Invents pork roll. Literally dozens are thrilled.

1991:

Max ends the Gulf war through the power of song. UN officials estimate deaths in the mid 10,000's.

1992:

Listens to his first Aerosmith song. Doesn't care for it.

1993:

Scientifically proves, using 'Freeman's theorem' that the Dallas Cowboys are the most awesome thing on Earth.

1994:

Creates masterful plan to solve all of America's agriculture problems, and would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

1995:

Freeman's theorem is officially disproved.

1996:

Travels back in time, to take year off before college.

1997:

Invents the ham, pork roll, and ketchup sandwich. No one notices until 2006.

1998:

Achieves the record for longest time spent trying to get a specific girl in the sack. Surrenders after 11 months, 26 days of trying.

1999:

Partied like it was the year it was.

2000:

Discovers internet porn. Is not heard from again until 2001.

2001:

Changes control of the Senate from 'Republican' to 'Democrat' by slapping it.

2002:

Invents a new word (Collinguinistical) and spends year trying to think up a definition that isn't dirty. Eventually settles upon: 'somewhat nifty'.

2003:

Personally ends the Phnom Penh riots by doing what no one else could: pronouncing its name correctly.

2004:

Sets the 'wayback' machine for 1806.

1806:

Successfully finds Lewis and Clark, and leads them back home, only to find that all his Superman jokes just go over their heads. Is inconsolable until 1808.

1807:

Weren't you listening? I said he was inconsolable!

1808:

Bamboozles the Colonies into repatriating back to England, and celebrates by stomping on a bunch of butterflies.

1809:

Set wayback machine for 2006.

2006:

Realizes he missed a year. Declares 'Fuck it'.

2007:

Not much really. Mostly bummed around on the internet, updating his blog. He did kill a few vampires...but otherwise, pretty much a normal year.

2008:

Fails to break world record for 'longest time spent trying to get a girl into the sack'. Regardless, he doesn't seem to mind that much.

2009

Ends war on terror through use of hypnosis. The subsequent 'clucking like a chicken' and 'naked in front of the audience' epidemics expected to be cured within the year.

MAX FREEMAN: Hero, Revolutionary, and fictional Charles Dickens character.

2009-09-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

Still 30

I'm not quite 31 yet, and needless to say, I'm going down kicking and screaming.

Anyone, on to more challenges, and this week they're mostly food related:

CHALLENGE #18: Eat a plate of Buffalo Wings

This challenge downright baffles my sister, Amber. She asks, her voice filled with honest confusion, "What don't you like about Buffalo Wings?"

First of all, I have absolutely nothing against honey BBQ wing, Asian style wings, or plain. No, my problem is with the 'buffalo' variety only. Why? Why wouldn't I?

The plate arrives, and Amber assures me they're 'typical' buffalo wings, neither better nor worse than average. I take a bite, and immediately, the sour and oily sauce assaults my tongue like the winner of a 30 second UFC match.

It isn't...awful, I guess, but overpowering, and with a terrible texture that no meat was meant to have. Worse yet, they never cook them enough, always bringing them out lukewarm.

Also, what the hell's with the blue cheese, celery, and carrots? What does that have to do with anything? Am I really supposed to mix blue cheese with the sour vinegar sauce? Somehow, I'm not convinced. Perhaps it's a religious obligation, or just for the Feng Shui of the plate.

Anyway, I eat them, and they're not disgusting, but Lord, I can't understand why people pay out the nose for undercooked, vinegar soaked chicken legs and wings. To me, they're a slap to the face. Some might be light and well executed slaps to the face, but I still don't see why anyone pays for them.

CHALLENGE #19: Down a shot of Piracetam

There's a fight going on online, between the 'pill' and 'drink' Piracetam factions. For those who don't know, Piracetam is a nutritional supplement that, unlike all other nutritional supplements, actually works. It increases blood flow to the brain without all the troubling financial and legal issues of crystal Meth. I highly recommend it.

The disagreement online is regarding the proper way to take it: by pill or mixed with water. Either technically works fine, and no better than the other way, but whereas I've always taken it by pill, some people complain that there's no reason to go through the trouble of encapsulating (your $10 word for the day) them, and it's just a pointless hassle.

Why encapsulate ($20 and counting)? The pill users counter: "It tastes terrible!"

The way they describe it, you'd think it was a mixture of pickle juice, sewage, diet Red Bull, and Piracetam (yes, it loops).

I made myself a batch mixed with water, and Amber directed me to the sink. I could always just toss it, but there's a special rung of hell reserved for people who waste good drugs. Since I might be rapping on the gates shortly...

*GULP*

Oh, you fricking whiners. That wasn't bad at all! I'm honestly disappointed. I guess if all you consume is Doritos and Mountain Dew, then yes it'd seem unbearable. As a person with a variety of tastes and culinary ($5 word, and we're up to $25) experiences, it wasn't bad at all. It's nothing like wasabi, or...

CHALLENGE #20: Eat some olives

That's what I get for ordering a salad in an Italian restaurant.

I force a smile and put a black olive in my mouth.

PAIN

FEAR

I pray for rescue, but to no avail. I consider dialing 911, but I don't want to open my mouth, fearing I might not be able to keep it down.

Do people seriously eat this willingly? Even pay money for this?! I pity the Romans, who had little else, because it went neck and neck with the wasabi. I down a few more, chewing along the way, or else it doesn't really count.

I swear to God, you do not want to know the images that went through my head. The nicest and most family friendly of them is a purple squid, delivered to my tongue raw.

How could olive oil, a rather innocuous ($35) and subtle liquid come from something so vile, so unholy, and so...olivey?

A pox upon olive growers, people who order olives on pizzas, and anyone who serves them the only way they could possibly be worse: without the pits removed.

*Shudder*

This is it!

The moment has come for me to reveal the WORST JOKE EVER!

CHALLENGE #21: Recall 101 times the worst joke ever was used

Someone farts.

That's it.

That's the worst joke ever. It occurs in movies, TV shows, books, and even video games on a nearly neverending basis, yet the joke never changes.

I know it started with Blazing Saddles, a favorite movie from my childhood, but I don't really blame them. Mel Brooks was bound to hit the joke eventually, and didn't reuse it often in most of hit movies.

No, I blame 'The Lion King'. That's the moment it became a 'kid-friendly' joke, and suddenly, we have every other joke in each kid movie be a fart joke. You know, Walt Disney himself hated kids shows/movies that were willing to do 'anything' for a laugh. He believed in clean wholesome humor, and never resorted to anything like a fart joke.

So if the dead eventually rise, I have a word of advice to Michael Eisner: start running. In fact, start running now.

With that floodgate opened, the fart jokes filled both the TV and airwaves, and the world was never quite the same. Sigh...so as a challenge, I'm going to recount 101 fart jokes, counting movies, TV, books, and videogames. Feel free to stop reading if you get too depressed to continue. I certainly understand...

1. Lion King
2. Blazing Saddles
3. George of the Jungle
4. Toy Story 2
5. Austin Powers 1
6. Austin Powers 2
7. Austin Powers 3
8. Master of Disguise
9. In Living Color
10. Scary Movie
11. Not Another Teen Movie
12. Star Wars Episode I
13. Wild Cats
14. Family Dog
15. Police Academy 5
16. Family Guy
17. Robin Hood Men in Tights
18. Who’s Line is it Anyway
19. Freakizoid (but more tasteful than most)
20. Curse of Fatal Death
21. That’s My Bush
22. Southpark
23. Ren and Stimpy
24. Naked Gun
25. Hot Shots 2
26. Road Trip
27. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
28. Chappelle Show
29. Lust in the Dust
30. Mystery Men
31. Who’s Your Caddy
32. Brain Donors
33. American Dad
34. Jerky Boyz the Movie
35. Tom Goes to the Mayor
36. Brak Show
37. Monty Python
38. Shrek
39. Robot Chicken
40. Dumb and Dumber
41. Muppets take Manhattan
42. MST3K the Movie
43. MST3K the TV show
44. Futurama
45. Simpsons
46. Catcher in the Rye
47. Canterbury Tales
48. Kids in the Hall
49. Liar Liar
50. Private Parts
51. Metalocalypse
52. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
53. Nutty Professor (Eddie Murphy remake)
54. Spawn (movie)
55. Shrek 2
56. Shaun of the Dead
57. Duckman
58. MXC
59. Powerpuff Girls (TV show)
60. Red Dwarf
61. Salute Your Shorts
62. Airplane
63. 3rd Rock from the Sun
64. Sealab 2021
65. Gladiator
66. Swimming to Cambodia
67. Goonies
68. Fairy God Parents
69. The Mask
70. Little Shop of Horrors (original, deleted ending)
71. Southpark Movie
72. Duece Bigelow
73. Venture Brothers
74. Assy McGee
75. Shin Chan
76. Waiting for Guffman
77. Daily Show
78. Mythbusters
79. Flesh Gordon 2
80. Scary Movie 3
81. Dogma
82. Toxic Avenger
83. Beavis and Butthead show
84. Toxic Avenger 4
85. Beavis and Butthead do America (movie)
86. Help
87. Pee Wee’s Playhouse
88. Abe’s Odyssey
89. Abe’s Exodus
90. Much’s Odyssey
91. Booger Man
92. Sam and Max (game)
93. Fable
94. Fable 2
95. Ace Ventura 2
96. Back to School
97. Howard Stern Show
98. Good Eats
99. Jiminy Glick
100. WWF/WWE
101. G Force (seriously Eisner, I wouldn't even stop to pack before running)

2009-08-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

We interrupt your normally scheduled blog to inform you that Rifftrax, with the cast of MST3K is going to be doing a live show, broadcast across theaters around the country on August 20th, at 8pm!

Specifically, they'll be riffing 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'!

That's next Thursday at 8pm, and they're even going to be at the AMC 24 in Hamilton, NJ, which is where I'm going. Go to www.rifftrax.com for more details. See you there!

SUSPENSE?

Don't have that much time this week, so the worst joke in the history of mankind will continue to wait (suffer! ^_^) in lieu of some shorter, yet no less significant challenges:

14. FILE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

I'll be the first to admit, I have a high threshold for boredom. Sit me in the corner, and as long as I have a pen and some paper, I'll be as happy as a clam at a filter feeding competition.

Of course, if I'm filing, my mind can't wander, and must stay focused on the task at hand. This is the main reason my normal filing method can be summed up as 'piles'. I have 'this pile' and 'that pile', and of course, 'that pile over there'. It's all very scientific.

So for this challenge, I buckled down and did nothing but file for as long as possible in a row. Thanks to a lull at work, I had the chance to sort all their invoices into alphabetical order and then put them into the corresponding file.

20 minutes later, I was ready to call amnesty international. No human being should have to file for any length of time. It's literally sorting papers, then re-sorting them, putting them into cabinets in a very precise order, where they will never ever be looked at again.

Forget waterboarding, the CIA needs to investigate the 'alphabetizing, filing, and creating dividers for company subdivisions' torture. Those terrorists will never know what hit them!

About 40 minutes in, my brain shut off, and my limbs and spine more or less just operated on their own. At the 60 minute mark, I pulled the fire alarm and jumped out the window. Or something like that. It's hard to tell when your brain's shut off.

15. GO AN HOUR COMPLETELY STILL

With all that flailing around in the office and fire marshall hubaloo, I was definitely ready for a break, and what could be more relaxing than staying still for an hour?

Of course, I was staying ABSOLUTELY still for an entire hour. No scratching, turning, shifting, or looking around. No TV, radio, or similar distractions either. Nothing besides motionlessness, and silence.

The novelty wears off surprisingly quick. After about 10 minutes, I started to kill time by playing the movie 'Clue' in my head, scene for scene. Then the itches started.

Paraplegics never get enough sympathy, especially in regards to 'itches'. Those unfortunate enough to not even be able to speak leave others wondering what they really want.

I can now tell you: THEY WANT YOU TO SCRATCH THEIR F*CKING NOSE!!!

Eventually I got to the end credits of Clue, and fought off the near insanity of complete motionlessness, and then scratched away with the ferocity of a madman...leading me to the next challenge.

16. GO 24 HOURS WITHOUT INTENTIONALLY SCRATCHING

It starts small, like an overhead echo in a deep cavern. Pretty soon it's rising to a peak, and it's impossible to ignore. Eventually it consumes your every ounce of attention, turning into a deafening roar.

You scratch. You scratch as quickly and as frequently as your limbs will allow. Then you have to try again the next day.

This is the first of the challenges that I actually outright failed, at least in my first few attempts. Of course, no matter what, I caught myself reflexively scratching without even thinking, but that didn't count, as I couldn't find a way to avoid it.

Regardless, I could not intentionally scratch for an entire day, no matter how much it...ITCH! *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*

Sigh...regardless, the next day, I could not OH MY GOD IT'S SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT! *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*

I...*SCRATCH*

With the utmost intestinal fortitude, I somehow managed to eventually, after many many tries, go a full 24 hours without scratching.

Their was pain.

Their was burning.

Their was (as far as I can tell) an invisible burning corkscrew digging into my knee.

Nevertheless, I somehow managed it, and I'm honestly not sure if it was worse than the wasabi or not.

I took shelter with my family, whom I knew would never intentionally hurt me.

Yeah, somehow I forgot about Amber.

With a grin that would've made the Marquis De Sade break into a cold sweat, she led me to Nicky, who had a particularly amused expression upon his face.

17. WITNESS AND TAKE PART IN AN EPIC DIAPER CHANGING

Picture this: it's a warm summer day in July. The toddlers in the family were playing in the pool, equipped with waterproof diapers. The inevitable occurs, and suddenly we're at the kitchen counter with adorable little Nicky.

The smell is everywhere.

Jenny casually pops off his diaper.

It's EVERYWHERE.

The water has...dear God...I can't even go into it.

How much does this kid freakin' eat?! You'd think he was consuming his own weight each day in fruit!

Throughout it all, Nicky is as pleased as can be, as if he'd achieved something spectacular. My God kid, you could at least feel sorry for us. But no, he's just happy to be a part of it all.

With mechanical rhythm and a stomach much stronger than my own, Jenny effortlessly disposes of the 'waste', cleans the boy off, powders him up, and slips him into a new suit, as I hold his legs up, and desperately wish I was back filing.

There's another torture for you, black ops. Get with the program. Simulated drowning is out. Paper pushing and diaper changing are in.

2009-07-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

SUSPENSE!

This week's post is filled to the brim with suspense! What's the most boring state/country/meal/joke in the world? Where to begin?!

CHALLENGE #11: Research the most boring state in America

This one is a little difficult to remain impartial on. I mean, what qualifies something as being boring or interesting? In a week's time, I'm going to Washington D.C. for several days to check out all the museums. For kids, that's a nightmare of a school trip, but for me, it's bliss.

The most impartial way is to find the state that has the least amount of tourism, compared to its overall population.

Oh sure, it's easy to scoff at Rhode Island and Delaware, but compared to their size, they've got a decent amount of tourism. Maine has an incredible amount, and interestingly enough, there isn't enough law enforcement to go around, so each town has to literally fend for itself (now there's a 'Mad Max' style movie waiting to happen). Farming states? Not that boring, as there are plenty of festivals and at least one big city in each. Wyoming? Cool history. No, the battle comes down to 3 states...

South Dakota

Despite having Mount Rushmore and numerous tourist attractions, people only 'grudgingly' seem to show up. North Dakota is a party a minute extravaganza compared to South Dakota, which literally only seems to exist because of Mount Rushmore, and mining operations. Still, it's more interesting than...

Nebraska

Aside from Alaska (an interesting state, in a 'we all might die' sort of way) Nebraska is our emptiest state, and they simply have no excuse. This state is EMPTY. Well, empty aside from Omaha, which is Nebraska's way of holding onto 'culture' in the same way a man might dangle on the edge of a cliff from his fingertips. Boring, depressing, and ungodly empty. There's only one state worse. Our most boring state is...

Idaho

Potatoes!

That's it. That and gem mining. I tried searching for quite a while, but unless you're interested in something that's dug out of the ground, Idaho literally has NOTHING to offer us. That, and a very odd shape. What's the story behind that?

Oh well, let's take a break with the worst meal I've ever paid good money for.

CHALLENGE #12: Order the worst item at the worst restaurant you know

Have I mentioned that P.F. Chang's is garbage? They literally scoop up garbage at a landfill, and drop it on your plate.

Oddly enough, I can't entirely put them at fault, as I've tried 'Asian Fusion' in other places, and it's always garbage. Deluxe, high priced garbage, efficiently served by a very professional staff. What the f*ck?

For those that aren't aware, 'Asian Fusion' is a mix between Chinese, Thai, California, and the fourth circle of hell (the 'culinary' level, right between the 'dentistry' and 'traffic' floors).

They had quite a few dreadful abominations to choose from, but after a helpful instructional lesson from my waitress on 'how to pour liquids onto food', I decided the vegetarian dish, cooked in coconut milk looked like my best bet. Don't get me wrong, the description sounded fine, but it seems like something they'd screw up, and screwing up something I normally like is a far more efficient kick to the scrotum.

I was not disappointed. How the hell can they serve this food? How the hell can it be cooked in coconut milk and not taste like coconut milk? How the hell did they screw up broccoli? Since when is asparagus an Asian vegetable?!!!

Sigh...oh well, with that dish (which Gordon Ramsey would have force fed the restaurant's head chef, while screaming) out of the way, we go on to boring countries.

Challenge #13: Research the most boring country in the world

Not that far a stretch from our most boring states, only with far more to choose from. Instead of literally going over all of them, I decided to just look up topics on 'the most boring country in the world' on the net. Don't worry, I didn't just take a vote, that'd be cheating. Instead, I got quite a few names that kept coming up. After quite a bit of mind-meltingly tedious research, I separated the mostly boring (Andorra, Belarus, Taiwan) from the AMAZINGLY boring.

So without further ado, from least to most boring, here are the most boring countries in the world:

10. SWEDEN

Don't get me wrong, Sweden's an incredibly beautiful country, with a lot of fun architecture, and it's far more temperate then its neighbors.

They have a king, but it's been rated as the most democratic country in the world. They have a lot of great technology, but depend heavily on profits from natural resources. They're famous for being neutral in politics, but have a lot of military and police power. They believe in free trade, but the unions control everything. Black is white. Night is day. Etc, etc...

Sweden is simply a mess of contradictions. Perhaps that's what drives so many of them nuts, and drives them to dark depravity, and rampant folk dancing. Still, they're not that boring, at least not when compared to...

9. GREENLAND

It's like Antarctica, only without the charm.

Very empty, with fishing being the only real industry and source of income for the few poor inhabitants. There are a lot Inuits there, who are amazing survivors, considering they manage to survive in such a climate, and that since there's virtually no firewood, most of the fish they catch is eaten raw.

The country would be more boring if it were not so cold and menacing. Almost as boring as...

8. Luxembourg

An incredibly rich and tiny country. Overall, they have very little freedom, but compensate by getting drunk as often as humanly possible. On average, each citizen drinks 2.8 gallons of pure alcohol. That's not 2.8 gallons of booze, but PURE booze, when you separate everything out that isn't alcohol itself. Still, the country manages to be efficient, regardless.

Luxembourg is generally dull in practice, but in a very unique and interesting way, making them the Rube Goldberg of countries.

7. SWITZERLAND

The world pretty much runs with or without Switzerland. If the entire country disappeared tomorrow, Sci-fi style, we'd all just shrug and move on.

Switzerland is best known as the way-station between several other important countries. They're also RIDICULOUSLY democratic, to the point that the public can veto any law that the government creates, with a simple majority vote. Regardless, military service is compulsory for all citizens, making them almost as contradictory as Sweden.

It makes sense though, when you think about it. Being famously neutral, Switzerland has to be able to protect itself, so a strong military is required. Of course, like all other laws, the compulsory military service can be abolished by a simple majority vote, it just hasn't yet (last try only got 23% of the vote).

The country is very beautiful, and also has a large amount of economic freedom, most of the electricity comes from hydro-power, there's plenty of sports and skiing, and you're not reading this anymore, because it's incredibly boring in a pleasant sort of way, so I can write anything now. Clown penis, huge stonking tits, Godzilla is attacking the city, rain keeps falling on my head, Alton Brown/Gordon Ramsey deathmatch 2009, and several butcher's aprons.

Let's move on.

6. HUNGARY

A highly scientific country that invented the Rubiks cube and Paprika. You know your country's exciting when those facts feature prominently on your country's wiki page. It's pretty much just Sweden and Switzerland, only less interesting, and slightly more communist. Nice architecture though.

5. HOLLAND

Man, nothing's more boring than northern Europe, apparently. Holland's a jumbled, ridiculously wet country, with very little self identity. The citizens seem to identify far more with the individual cities in which they live, and Holland seems to merely exist as a way of holding them all together (the Nebraska of Europe).

The cities inside Holland are all fairly interesting, and each have an individual wiki page at least twice as long as Holland's own (Amsterdam being the largest wiki among them, obviously). Still, the country as a whole is damn boring.

4. BULGARIA

There was a time I believed this was the most boring country in the world, and Lord, it's close. They're an annoyingly successful socialist state, in both science and industry, with both personal/economic freedom and socialist values.

That sound you hear is the United States grinding its teeth. Yup, Bulgaria shows how Communism is done right, and that drives the Capitalist nations (who are all currently going through an economic shift that can best be described as 'falling down three flights of stairs') absolutely nuts...that is, if they give a f*ck. We generally don't. Overall, Bulgaria is very boring, with almost nothing to define it, other than its perplexedly upbeat, easy going, and socialist atmosphere.

3. FINLAND

Yet another annoyingly free and successful country. They're doing a lot better now that they've weeded out the old Soviet influences and corruption. Finland's an incredibly beautiful country...but you can pretty much just re-read any of the Nordic country's entries and you'll get the gist. Nothing unique to see here.

2. BRUNEI

Ah, it's nice to finally get out of Europe, and into the dull and peaceful...South Pacific nation?

Brunei is a curious anomaly, being primarily an oil producing country (much like many middle east nations), but relatively free and stable regardless. They're an island nation right above Australia, and where actually part of the British empire all the way up until 1986.

What's really amazing is that there's really nothing else to say about it. The entire nation is more of less industrialized, and it's really more or less nothing more than one large city, filled with business transactions, and absolutely nothing else of interest.

It takes a lot of work to be an island nation right next to Australia, India, and Singapore, and still be this boring. In fact, only one nation does it better...

1. DENMARK

Just when you thought we were out of Europe, here comes Denmark, the most boring country in the world.

They're yet another incredibly free and successful country, and despite being the descendants of the Vikings, they're not violent or wild at all. They must've gotten it all out of their system, apparently.

Virtually nothing ever happens in Denmark, ever, and yet they're statistically the happiest country in the world. I literally almost fell asleep at the computer, despite all the hot blonde girls inhabiting the country, and all the interesting . It's not just the country itself that's boring, but the culture. It's literally considered very 'rude' to be different, or try to excel too much.

Yes, everyone's expected to not only act a certain way, but perform no better than a certain level. Nothing ever changes, and nothing of any true importance is produced. You just live each day like the last...eat your numerous pastries and dumplings...make love to your gorgeous blond spouse (who has no personality whatsoever)...play very boring games with your equally blond and personality-less kids...go to sleep...repeat...and...

My God. This is how it happens.

Imagine the Vikings, raiding everywhere and gaining everything in the world you could possibly want. Imagine holding onto it, and never really losing it. Every day is peaceful and wonderful, as long as absolutely nothing ever changes, and nothing of any real importance ever happens.

Denmark is trapped. Poor bastards. They never even saw it coming.

I almost got trapped too, just reading about it. I nearly nodded off at the computer, and when I snapped to attention, I was about to purchase a one way ticket to Denmark, a blond wig, and a pair of wooden shoes.

Lord help us all.

The worst joke in the world will have to wait until next time. The icy, rigid allure of Denmark is still haunting my soul...

2009-07-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

CURLING IS CHESS ON ICE

Not really. More like checkers.

Challenge #7: Follow competitive curling

Canadians are just so fricking polite that it makes you want to scream. Take curling, for example. It's bad manners to be loud, or to celebrate too openly (lest you hurt your opponent's feelings), and best of all, you're supposed to call your own fouls.

That's right, if someone breaks the rules, the only person who can call them on it is themselves. There are no referees, just a loose 'honor' system.

Best of all, when people began getting really good at the game...they changed the rules, to make it harder, so no one had too much of an advantage.

Can you imagine any of that happening in an American sport? Then again, sliding rocks down the ice while teammates with brooms sweep in front of it (if you weren't familiar with 'curling', I just described the sport in full).

Watching it wasn't too painful...at first. Then it just kept going. Apparently, the average game can take around 2 hours to complete! That's a lot of fricking sweeping! It was quite a bit of watching too.

It's similar to Bocce, if you're familiar with that. Basically, you're trying to get your stones closer to the target than your opponents, and can knock his stones out of the way with the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Whoa! What happened? An hour just passed, and I've got qwerty face (keyboard imprint on face). I think it's just better for all involved if I just leave the rules as: throw rocks, sweep, and drink beer.

Boring? Oh my, yes. Painfully boring? No more than baseball. Take of that what you will. ^_^

Challenge #8: sleep on the floor

In an attempt to go the more 'uncomfortable' route than 'boring' or 'painful' ones, I simply slid out of bed onto the floor one night, and went to sleep. No pillow and no blankets.

It'd be a stretch to call it 'acceptable', but hey, I did get some sleep...and a hell of a stiff back in the morning. Oh well, sure beats a cold shower.

Challenge #9: Research the history of vice presidents

Damn!

I mean...DAMN!

I expected a completely droll snooze-fest, but instead I was treated to a detailed history of more violence, political maneuvering, sex, and conspiracy than I ever possibly imagined.

It's true, the early vice presidents were all highly controversial figures, who not only held a fairly good amount of political power, but regularly got into gun duels, fistfights, and...well, let's face it, who didn't bang Abigail Adams back then?

How could this be? The answer lies in the fact that originally, vice presidents weren't nominated. They were simply the next runner up in the election. Imagine if John McCain was Obama's vice president, or Al Gore was George W. Bush's.

As you can imagine, things got a little tense, with one (Aaron Burr) going as far as shooting a man dead in a duel, and it certainly wasn't the first he'd fought. Even when the political parties began to take root, and elected their own vice presidents, the beautiful chaos rolled on for quite some time.

All this glorious vice-presidential carnage came to an abrupt halt with William Wheeler.

Let me set the stage: it's 1874, and due to political maneuverings, presidential hopeful Rutherford B. Hayes has allowed the New York delegation to pick any person they wished for the position of Vice President.

This created a problem, because the delegation couldn't think of anyone they could all agree upon for the job. Then one of the members jokingly said, "Why not Wheeler?"

Everyone laughed. Even Wheeler.

Wheeler was by no means a born politician. He was more in it for the comfortable lifestyle and nice parties. He had virtually no political aspirations whatsoever, and probably only got involved in politics because it beat being a lawyer full time.

The next morning, they surprised him with the nomination.

This man literally did NOTHING as vice president. He did even less than nothing, in fact, because he not only performed no noteworthy actions as VP, but he also made the position a joke. Suddenly, the position of vice president was little more than a paycheck for someone in the party that had nothing better to do with their time.

From that point on, vice presidents were almost meaningless, except perhaps as a test to see their chances as a presidential nominee...right up to Dick Cheyney. Whether he was shooting elderly friends in the face, selling America out to Haliburton (which he was financially intertwined with, coincidentally), or merely telling us to go fuck ourselves, he certainly made the position of vice president a far more interesting one.

God bless you Dick, wherever you are (Fox news, probably).

Challenge #10: eat 3 bugs

What's the big deal?

Compared to the ingredients of hot dogs and breakfast sausage, bugs seem rather tame. At least I know what the ingredients are: 1 bug. Insect/vermin content: 1 per serving.

I draw the line at a worm. I dissected one of those in grade school, and I have no desire to go any further. Ditto for any insect with stingers and such.

I started with one of the various bugs near my house, called a box elder beetle. At our house we call them 'dumb bugs', due to their complete lack of survival instincts. You can literally slowly lower your foot down upon them. They also seem to forget that they can fly. Finally, they can only survive in trees, so if you find them in or on the house, it means they're lost.

Ewwwwwwwww...that was nasty! Yuck! No wonder they don't need a survival instinct. They taste terrible! It took me quite a while to get the taste out of my mouth from that one.

The fly I tried next wasn't as bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. Truth be told, it didn't taste much like anything.

The final choice was an ant, and believe it or not, those little guys pack a lot of flavor. I'm not saying I'd chow down on them, but if I had to eat a bug on a regular basis, that'd definitely be the one.

I remember being asked when I was a kid: if I'd eat a bowl full of bugs for $10,000. Now I know the answer for sure: I'd do it for $200. Hell, I'd do it just to avoid eating more wasabi! ^_^

What? This is all for science! Science and experimentation. Remember, you can't really be sure if you'll like something until you actually try it.

Next time: boring states, even more boring countries, a meal more disgusting than a bowl full of bugs, and the worst joke ever

2009-07-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

MEGAN FOX'S WEIRD THUMB ONLY MAKES HER HOTTER

Ever see her weird thumb? If not, go check now.

Isn't that weird? Regardless, it only makes her hotter. Why? Because now she seems more accessible. Now guys can imagine her crying about her weird thumb, and we console her, assuring her that she's gorgeous, and it makes her so happy, and then we have sex.

Only if we're not already in committed relationships, of course. ^_^

Anyway, I'm going to take a moment and defend Transformers 2. People keep saying it has virtually no plot, and it's all about robots fighting and Megan Fox running in slow motion.

That's all very true...and I'm trying to see what the problem is. That's pretty much all the movie's main selling points.

Yes, there are numerous plot holes...an incredible number in fact, including why the Autobots never seem to be around when they're needed, why Sam doesn't tell anyone about the shard of the cube, why Megan Fox doesn't have a bikini scene, and the complete lack of dinobots.

Regardless, there are some things I'm going to defend as not being plot holes:

Why/how did the Decepticons get their agent into Sam's college, when doing so would take months to arrange, and they only found out about the shard the day before? She's a shapeshifter, so I'm assuming she killed a real girl and took her identity. It'd be a LOT easier than the alternative.

Why could the shard bring Megatron and Jetfire back to life, but not Optimus? Jetfire was just hibernating, and Megatron was re-assembled first. The Decepticons simply have an AWESOME doctor, and Rachett is a really crappy one. Of course, they had to kill a fellow Decepticon to do it too, and the autobots wouldn't do that. In other words, those Decepticons were just 'mostly dead', and Optimus was 'dead dead'.

The Autobots were hunting and killing hiding Decepticons, giving them no chance to surrender. Isn't that really dark/unethical? Yup, but this is war, kid, it ain't pretty. Also, that Decepticon at the beginning caused the chemical spill, so they weren't exactly innocent.

Now that those are out of the way, let's move on to a few new plot holes, that I noticed with the repeat viewing:

1. Why is there a tiger in Egypt? Did it escape from the zoo. Tigers are from central and east Asia. It might as well have been a kangaroo.

2. Remember the scene where wheelie shows the points on the map, where the hidden old robots are? They say 'there's one in Washington DC'. Actually, there wasn't. The closest were ones in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

3. Why is the film from the 1930's in full color?

4. Why is Egypt so empty? Africa is one of the most crowded places in the world. Where is everybody?!

5. Why is every person in Egypt either a dirt poor farmer or soldier? I'll answer this one: Michael Bay is racist. Look at the RC twins and tell me otherwise. Seriously though, that's just how he envisions all African people, but you'd think that the Egyptian Pyramids would have more of a tourist trade. People living in ruins? I google image searched Egypt Pyramids and got this picture:

I don't think Michael Bay has any clue what Egypt really looks like.

6. Why did Megatron shrink? I know they rebuilt him, but did they really need to rebuild him smaller? In the first movie he was HUGE! Now he's barely larger than Starscream.

7. Where the hell are all the Autobots going?! Yes, I know that isn't a 'new' complaint, but seriously! Every five minutes, half the cast disappears! Where the hell is Bumblebee when Sam/Optimus needs them? Where did the RC twins go at the end (to the scrap heap, hopefully)?

8. Megan Fox, in a downright bizarre film flub, appears clothed in all of her scenes.

I cannot stress the last point enough.

2009-06-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

AYN RAND IS THE FEMALE HUNTER S. THOMPSON

More or less.

Anyway, we move on to challenge #4:

4. READ ATLAS SHRUGGED

You know, it wasn't that bad.

Don't worry, I'm not becoming one of those Ayn Rand nuts...on that note, did you know her real name was Alisa Zinov'yevnamakel'andevanabillybofanafifofana Rosenbaum? It was something like that. No wonder she changed it.

Atlas shrugged is more or less the ultimate 'sulk in the corner' for intellectuals. Remember those kids who swore they'd run away from home or die because their parents didn't buy them a new toy or pony? That's Atlas Shrugged in a nutshell.

The best part of the book is actually the most famous (or infamous in some circles). It's actually the speech towards the end of the book that lasts over 50 pages. If it were really spoken, it would literally last over 3 hours, and most of it is repetition.

That aside, if you skim it, you'll find a thoughtful sermon on self reliance, personal responsibility, character, and inner strength. It praises free thought, free enterprise, and justice, while condemning censorship, socialism, and undeserved mercy.

When Ayn says 'live free or die', it's not just a credo, but a threat.

Especially at this stage in history, it's difficult to scoff at her claims that most of society's problems come from people expecting everything to be given to them for free, without receiving any personal responsibility for their own actions, or bettering society as a whole in any significant way. With the recent market meltdown, there's something to be said for this opinion.

So why am I not bowing down and worshiping Ayn Rand right now? Her solutions won't work. Critics made great auditors, but poor engineers. Throughout the ending, her solution is for society to give total control over to intellectuals, and for all military forces to disband. All in all, her solution falls somewhere between Libertarian and laughable.

Regardless, her personal credo, of only taking what you earn, giving no charity or mercy (as by definition, neither is earned), taking pride in yourself, and demanding the right to live free and follow your own path in life, is highly commendable.

Some other noteworthy parts of the book include a terrible train accident that results from the willful negligence of politicians, businessmen, and taxpayers (after Katrina, it's hard to scoff). What really makes the scene interesting (and again, infamous) is that Ayn Rand examines every person within the train, and shows that they each, in some way, were partly responsible for the crash. Overall, they all think 'the problems of society are not my own, so I won't be bothered by them', and then all die in the crash.

Finally, the name of the book gets its own name from another noteworthy scene, where one character tries to convince another intellectual/entrepreneur that they must abandon the abusive and neglectful politicians and businessmen that depend on them for the ideas, products and services they provide.

The female protagonist said that the ultimate metaphor for their plight was Atlas, who struggled and suffered eternally, while carrying the world on his shoulders. She asks: "What would you tell Atlas to do?" and the man says "I have no idea! What could you possibly tell him to do?" and she simply responds "To shrug."

In other words, to toss the world off his shoulders. If they aren't going to give anything back, or do any work themselves, then supporting them is not only torture, but morally and ethically wrong. It's a selfless hero eternally suffering, so that the weak, lazy and greedy can get all the reward, without working for it.

Not a bad book at all...but long. REALLY REALLY long and repetitive.

There, I just saved you 1,000 pages of reading.

5. PUT SELF ON 'HOT OR NOT' WEBSITE

With all that intellectual self indulgence, I realized that I probably needed to be taken down a peg or two, so it's off to the 'hot or not' website. The website name pretty much explains what it is. You post your picture, and anonymous people rate you from 1 to 10.

I decided to use my basic picture, against the black background. Overall, it's my good side, but you still get a good shot of the humongous nose, ears, glasses, bald spot (around temples), and a peak of double chin.

I braced myself for the worst...

Huh. I actually didn't rate bad at all. Perhaps it's because the majority of women on the site are teenyboppers who like older men, or cougars looking for a younger fella. I've found, throughout my life, that I seem to appeal mainly to women furthest away from my age. When working at the mall, I got hit on a little by the shoppers, but only the teenage girls and elderly women.

Hell, one of the teenage Jewish girls, roughly 1/3 my size (who swore she was 18, but I didn't believe her) even asked me out, while 'more or less' sitting on my lap.

I said no...but it took me a second to think about it. What? Hey, I was single for a long time, so sue me. At least I didn't consider going out with one of the grannies. ^_^

Anyway, I've darted around the issue long enough. Here's the breakdown of my 'rating'

My average rating was 7.6 (not bad at all)

15% rated me 1-2

10% rated me 3-4

50% rated me 5-6

25% rated me 7-8

No one rated me 9-10 (not a huge surprise)

Unbelievably, I was rated more attractive than 73% of the guys on the site.

Now, you fellow math nerds might realize that the numbers result in an average closer to 5.2, rather than 7.6, but that's because the site takes into account how people vote overall. In other words, if they know you only give 1-5, or only give 7-10, then they weigh your ratings differently, so the ratings you give more or less come out to a range of 1-10, no matter how you actually vote.

Basically, it seems that I mainly appeal to women who normally don't like the guys on the site. Most of the other guys are teens...so yeah, I definitely think it's the 'older guy' factor. Teenage girls just don't like teenage guys. Can you blame them?

So don't give up hope, fellow geeks! Just look for younger women. Just keep it about 18. No fair chasing jailbait (I'm looking at you, Jenny).

6. EAT A SPOONFUL OF WASABI

Okay, I have to admit, I've gotten off easy for the last two challenges. It's time to really buckle down and do something harsh. I decided to eat a spoonful of wasabi. For those uninitiated, wasabi is a VERY spicy garnish for sushi. Real wasabi is rare and expensive, which is why at normal places they use horseradish. Pure horseradish, colored green.

For personal safety, I decided that I didn't have to actually swallow it all, but had to take a heaping spoonful and put it in my mouth, as if I were eating pudding.

Why? Because I know a guy who did. He'd never eaten at a Japanese place before, and asked what the green stuff was. One of his 'friends' (I'm using the term loosely here) jokingly said it was green pudding. Since there was green ice cream (pistachio) and green sweet dumplings, it wasn't that much of a stretch.

So he took a spoonful, and before anyone could say anything, shoved it in his mouth.

So I went to the Japanese buffet, got a nice heaping spoonful, and while no one was looking, did the same.

Our results were similar.

SWEETFUCKINGMOTHEROFMERCYJEESEHOODLYQUINTUPLESHITFUCKYFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

It was in every corner of my mouth.

It was in my throat.

I could feel it in my nose.

Hell, I could feel it in my EARS.

Soda didn't help, and neither did wiping it off. All that could save me was a frenzied rush to the men's room, past bewildered waiters and waitresses. There, I properly hosed down and scrubbed off the inside of my mouth. Regardless, I was almost sick with agony.

That's it.

I'm completing these challenges to the end, no matter what.

There's no way that spoonful of wasabi is going to be for nothing!

NEXT WEEK: History, agony, bugs, and fiendish thingies!

2009-05-28T06:07:00.000-07:00

Oops!

Sorry, lost track of time again.

I was busy watching the new Star Trek movie. For a month and a half. Honest.

Oh well, it's time to go back at it, with what's quite possibly my strangest idea yet! Okay, perhaps it's impossible to be stranger than the train trip one, or the Nerd RPG, but damn it, I'm going to try!

It struck me one day at the gym, while I was waiting for the shower to heat up (I swear, it takes about a full minute to go from ice cold to 'sorta cold'), when I realized how much effort I give each day, just to feel comfortable.

I'm not talking about avoiding significant pain, injury or misery, I'm just talking about those little annoyances and inconveniences that I refuse to live with, or deal with directly.

Why am I spending so much time recoiling away from it? Why not embrace it, just to see how bad it really is?

So I stepped into the shower while it was still ice cold.

ICE cold.

I cannot overemphasize the COLDNESS of the water. The fact I had just finished working out, driving my body heat up, turned the gym shower into a miniature sauna. It was all I could do not to scream, and get the authorities involved.

I tried again the next day, this time in my own home, where I'm free to scream like a little girl as I please. Once more the next day, and I confirmed my suspicions...

It sucks.

Hot water RULES! There's no doubt about it, and I don't plan to voluntarily take a cold shower again...still, it wasn't the nightmarish scenario that sitcoms and commercials want us to believe.

It was at that moment, that I realized the first challenge was done.

1. TAKE 3 COLD SHOWERS

Perhaps it was the ice cold water freezing highly necessary regions of my brain, but I decided to make an official personal challenge out of it all. It was time to stop avoiding unpleasantness, just for the sake of knowing that 'yes, I've done that, and it sucks'.

Now, this isn't an over macho test of fortitude or will. No, none of these tasks are meant to be a measure of anything, except perhaps stupidity, insanity, or (hopefully I fall into this category) open mindedness.

I won't be doing anything obviously dangerous or illegal here, and it can't be anything that I'd do anyway. Some of them might not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, it's downright terrible to me.

On a side note, my sister Amber seems a bit suspiciously 'eager' to help me think up challenges. I guess that's what I get for asking my little sister to help come up with unpleasant things for me to do.

How high will it go? Who knows? Let's just get on with it!

CHALLENGE 2. LEARN BASIC AGRICULTURE

Every once and a while, I'm asked a question about plants, or agriculture. Hey, I work at a garden supply store/wholesaler, it happens. Of course, what not everyone knows is that I'm the computer geek at a garden supply store.

My usual reply to plant/gardening questions is as follows:

"If you show me the plant in question, I will probably...no promises here...probably be able to tell you if it's real or fake. Maybe."

I know NOTHING about plants. Literally NOTHING.

Oh sure, I know the basics, but when someone actually says the word 'photosynthesis', my mind envisions the plant making food from sunlight with miniature cartoony gears, and helpful elves. The science behind agriculture merely baffles me.

So it was time to force myself to sit down and read about it.

I checked out a basic book on agriculture, and was surprised with what I found. I won't bore you with all the details, but plants are seriously twisted life forms.

For example, although plants absorb sunlight and carbon dioxide through their leaves, they eat and drink through their roots. I know it might not seem weird to you, but the thought of plants actually 'eating' through their roots makes them seem more like an awesome Spore creature than anything else.

I learned why crop rotation is important, and how the loss of fossil fuels is going to make feeding everyone a lot more difficult, since you need it to make most commercial fertilizer that isn't waste based. I'd be lying if I said it was an exciting read, but honestly, it wasn't nearly as boring as I imagines. Hopefully all the challenges will be this easy.

CHALLENGE 3. TRY EVERY ITEM A BUFFET HAS TO OFFER

God damn you, Amber.

Okay, it's not fair if I went to a Buffet I was already familiar with. No, this has to be an unknown buffet, filled with mystery, danger, and nearly unlimited lukewarm food.

I settled on a Chinese Buffet near the Monmouth mall. Amber dives into the crab legs like a wolf among lambs, leaving me to sample...well, everything. To make this physically possible, I decided to only take a little bit from each item, and to skip the basic 'filler' items that every restaurant has, like rice, soup, salad, fruit, and generic non-Asian desserts.

My first plate was a collection of assorted sea food and deep fried chicken. All in all, it was fairly innocuous, with nothing really being that bad or good. The second plate was where things started to go wrong. There was more seafood and main courses, but everything was overcooked, lukewarm, and drowned in sauce.

How the hell can something be overcooked and lukewarm?! Honestly!

I decided to take a break from the generic bland stuff and went for the dessert table. An absolutely delicious crab rangoon set me up for the following dish: a red bean dumpling.

This dumpling was nothing short of an atrocity. If possible, I would've called UN sanctions against this dumpling. The insides were burnt and terrible in ways I can hardly describe. During any normal day I would've passed over this questionable 'delight', but no, this was a challenge.

I swear to God, it's the closest I've ever come to actually eating a shit sandwich.

I tried to fight the taste off with sushi, but this wasn't normal sushi. Oh no, this was buffet sushi, which used crab spelled with a 'K', that arrived in tubs from Wisconsin. It wasn't all 'bad' per se, but my stomach was beginning to feel like something was seriously out of control, and the magical stomach elves that help digest food(if my knowledge of human anatomy is correct) all went on strike, leaving me to my fate.

That fate was the raw seafood table.

Now there's an important difference between sushi and raw fish. If these creatures had eyes, they'd be staring at me. With some reluctance, I filled my plate with the last of the food the buffet had to offer.

If I ever figure out how to move pictures from my cell phone to the internet, I'll post the picture of the food that nearly claimed my life.

First up was a clam. I wasn't sure if it was truly raw or merely steamed and then chilled, but besides being rubbery, it wasn't so bad.

Next up was the miniature octopus, with all the tentacles and everything. By this time, my stomach elves were not only on strike, but also chanting 'union' and burning the factory down. I decided to just take a bite of the head. It was really salty, and reminded me of escargot (I've only eaten it once, and it tastes exactly like you'd expect: salty slugs).

The raw oyster was all that was left. The wobbly...disfigured...bizarre looking oyster. After taking a moment brace myself, and a few cheers from Amber, my own personal sadist, I swallowed it whole, in one go.

It felt like I just inhaled a snort of seawater. Besides the spray of salty air, I could also feel the damn oyster wobbling its way down towards my stomach. That'll teach those damn elves. Get back to work! No breaks!

My only distraction from my experience was the 'date' happening at the table next to ours. If you ever wondered who would set up a date at a Chinese Buffet, I saw her. She was the kind of woman who's idea of 'dressing up for the date' was wearing the sort of clothes we wear on any normal given day. She even brought a bottle of wine. To a Chinese Buffet. Classy.

Her date was equally sketchy, and as they attempted mid 40's desperation filled 'small talk', I took it as the best time to leave. I can only pray that the next challenge is a little easier.

CHALLENGE 4. READ 'ATLAS SHRUGGED'

God damn it.

2009-04-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

MY MOSH PIT WITH AMBER

Ah, there's nothing quite as invigorating as a Spring concert, especially when you know with absolute certainty that you can easily destroy 99% of the audience without even breaking a sweat.

It's welcome compensation, considering Amber and I were at least 8-10 years older than every other person there. After a short wait in line, where we enjoyed laughing at all the goth-punk kids that had to be dropped off by their mom, and laughed nearly to the point of tears when we saw the kids that had to bring their parents with them, we absconded inside, to stand in place for five hours.

For those that have not heard, it was a Dethklok 'Metalocalypse' concert, which provided a healthy blend of overweight teenage geeks, and miscellaneous headbangers that didn't know what the fuck was happening.

Oh, and jailbait. There was plenty of female jailbait in low rider jeans, low cut t-shirts, and short haircuts, including a particularly cute girl in front of us, that giggled and bounced for most of the concert. If you ever want a fourteen year old girlfriend, then this is the place to go. Me? I'm taken (and I don't like prison).

Anyway, after getting patted down for recording equipment, there wasn't much to do besides listen to the GOD AWFUL opening band, and watch the ironic moshing.

I'm not sure if this is typical, or merely a result of there being a geeky audience, but when it was clear that the normal headbangers weren't interesting in moshing to the opening band (there were two guys, but there's always two guys), a group of kids decided to mosh their own way. Here are some of their 'mosh' moves that they brought to the center of the pit:

1. Duck Duck Goose (the game eventually got so big that security broke it up)

2. Skipping

3. Thumb Wrestling (complete with mass of onlookers, cheering for their side)

4. Seeing how many people they can crowd surf towards the band in a minute

5. Snow-angels

6. The Robot

7. The Macarena

8. The Safety Dance

Without those wonderful crazy kids, we may not have lasted long enough to see the second band, Ministry of Pain, or MOP as I call them. These guys were actually a lot of fun, they knew how to play and sing, and they even let every member of the band sing at different times. Seriously, they were pretty damn good.

The lead singer through his shirt into the audience near the end, and accidentally got it stuck in the overhead lights. He didn't realize it at first, so when he asked 'who got my shirt' at the end of their act, everyone just pointed up.

Their talent made the third (yes, THIRD) opening band all the more painful to watch. They were better than the first band by a hair, but by now the audience was getting impatient, chanting for Dethklok, and shouting 'you suck' at the audience. Back to the ironic moshing.

There was only so long you could watch teenage girls bounce...I MEAN BANDS THAT SUCK. Yes, I meant there was only so long you could watch bands that suck.

Luckily, Brendan Small finally came on and proceeded to rock the ever living shit out of us all. Not only was he fantastic, but the people playing with him were actually teenagers from the 'School of Rock' school of music that a friend of his runs, and they were AWESOME! I couldn't believe how well the kids played. They often switched instruments, each being able to play at least two, and they played rings around the first and third opening band, and they were at least as good as the second.

They played a lot of great Dethklok tunes (including Thunderhorse, Mermaider, Taking it Easy, and Toki's Underwater Friends song), and some standard heavy metal, including a great version of 'You Could Be Mine' sung by a particularly pretty teenage girl. There were plenty of wolf whistles and cries of 'get naked' from the crowd (I swear I'm not responsible), although it probably doesn't reflect well for Axl Rose that they used a girl to sing his songs.

By now the REAL moshing had begun, and Amber huddled behind a hot teenage guy for protection (oh Amby, you jailbait chaser) as I helped protect the small, cute girl in front of me (I don't so much chase as let them come to me).

Although there were a lot of bumps, only one kid actually flew into me full force. I didn't see him coming, but he came to a sudden and abrupt stop after running into me, and then fell directly to the floor. He might as well have run into a wall. ^_^

After helping the poor kid up, I took note of a short Italian guy in the mosh pit. He was 5 ft 3 at most, but broad, about 18 or so, and wore a black baseball cap.

This guy RULED the mosh pit. Remember when I said I could beat up 99% of the audience? I call this guy 1%. If anyone started moshing towards him, he rushed towards them, colliding in the center of the pit, reflecting them away. I swear, this kid was invincible. After a few minutes, the mosh pit was cleared out, because no one wanted to go near him, not even the giant 6 ft 6 musclebound kid.

After playfully mussing up the giant kid's hair (I swear to God, he did), he stepped out at the request of his (or his friend's, it was difficult to tell) hot girlfriend. Bless you 1%, you're doing God's work: beating the shit out of teenagers.

We snuck out a little early, since we were both exhausted, but we both had an amazing time!

Rest assured, when asked the next day how the concert was, we both had the same answer for them:

"WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?"

Good times.

2009-03-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

NERRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!

This week's post is either really really short, or really really long, depending on your point of view.

I've finally finished the silly RPG I've been working on: NERRRRRRRRRD!!!

It's a very light High School RPG, with nerd characters, insane bullies/teachers, no death (unless you're expelled, you'll always be back), and more geeky references than I want to admit knowing.

It's here: http://nerrrrd.blogspot.com

I hope you like it! ^_^

2009-03-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Rorschach's Journal

The city is afraid of me...

At least I think it is. It's either fear or hunger. It's hard to see in this fucking mask.

A comedian died in New York. Jerry Seinfeld. It's about damn time! Roast in hell you whiny, jailbait chasing hack!

Anyway, ANOTHER comedian happened to also die in New York. Yeah, and that was...bad...really really bad...

Listen, I know there's a lot going on right now, but I have to talk about Dr. Manhattan. I mean, what the hell?

I have to go over there later tonight to question them, and I just know that the first thing I'm going to see after walking through the door is a giant blue ass the size of an Imax screen.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Why has everyone else accepted this as normal? Did he think if he 'gradually' wore less clothes every week that no one would notice the change? I sure as hell noticed! One moment it was 'Smurf Baywatch', and the next I was standing in the middle of a blue sausage festival!

Night Owl understands...he knows everything...sigh...

Anyway, Night Owl understands. Last time he was over at their place he accidentally dropped his keys next to the great blue wonder. At first he started to lean over to pick them up, but then doubled back at the last second. I swear to God, his head almost bumped into IT.

Then Dr. Manhattan began to lean over to pick them up, and we panicked! Eventually Night Owl just kicked them over to the corner before picking them up himself.

Damn, I mean what's Blue Boy's deal? Is he showing off? Do clothes reduce his efficiency by 0.07%? Hell, I'm more than willing to work there part time to make up for it! Just put on some damn clothes!

Oh well, I guess I better start investigating the comedian's murder and the vast conspiracy revolving around it.

Right after I practice spelling my name.

Roarshark...damn

Rorshank...dang

Thundercat...come on, that wasn't even close! Get your head in the game!

Rorshak...closer

Rorschach...there we go!

Hmm...

Mrs. Rorschach Night Owl

Sigh...

2009-02-08T10:38:00.001-08:00

TOP 100 GAMES OF ALL TIME

With so many games, I'm going to edit this list in pieces over the month. Congratulations to Vinny for taking first place in the 'guess my favorite games' contest, and Garret for taking second! Vinny got a Casey Jones golf bag, filled with a few clubs and several medieval weapons. Garret got the mystery suitcase, containing a broken PS2, a copy of Zombies! the boardgame, a few bad DVDs, Star Wars episode 3, and a few pieces of colorful plastic.

100. Elebits

What the game lacks in depth and action, it makes up for with fun.

99. Blaster Master

No other game, in the history of video games, has needed a save or password feature more than this one. Otherwise it was way ahead of its time, mixing tank and overhead shooter action brilliantly.

98. Deus Ex

An incredibly deep game that can almost be seen as the precursor to Fallout 3. The story and gameplay is fantastic, with many ways of handling every situation, but there's something wrong with a game where you can shoot a normal man in the head with a sniper rifle, and he doesn't die (I'm looking at you too, 'Hitman' series).

97. Harvest Moon

A funny and enjoyable farming/dating sim that never fails to entertain.

96. Twisted Metal 2

The best of the series. Blowing up the world was never so much fun.

95. Final Fight

Great, brainless coin munching beat-em up fun. The second level boss still drives me to throw the controller against the wall.

94. Bad Mojo

Brilliantly conceived, if not masterfully executed 'cockroach' sim. Watch out for the cat!

93. Baldur's Gate 1&2

A fun series, but nowhere as good as they could of been. The first had many technology issues, and the second had a very slow story, especially at the beginning. I'd love to play it again, but if I play through that first dungeon one more time, I'm going to cry. The expansion pack for the second included far too many 'instant death' situations to make this list.

92. Mortal Kombat 2

Far from deep, and nowhere near balanced, but the second Mortal Kombat was really the pinnacle of the series. The first was just a little too limited to make the list, and after that, the 'run' button ruined the series.

91. Tecmo Bowl

The best sports game in the world for people who aren't into sports games. A very limited number of plays is made up for by amazingly complete rosters and addictive gameplay. A great example of a game doing the best with the technology they have.

90. Oddworld: Abe's Odyssey

The first Oddworld game was solid, with a highly imaginative and surprising world unfolding before the player. Some situations are more than a little unfair unless you have a cheat guide, but overall, it's a lot of fun.

89. Phoenix Wright 1 & 2

Just what courtroom drama needed: ridiculous anime characters for girls to write fanfics about. The series is not only hilarious and fun, but incredibly Japanese, in an over the top kind of way. The way the hero points and shouts OBJECTION you'd swear he was about to go Super-Sayan. The sequel's a bit better, but they're honestly both good. Harvey Birdman used the same system for his own game, which was a little bit inferior, but still good (it would've made the top 200 list).

88. Kingdom Hearts 1&2

An incredible story and experience, marred only by a lacking battle system. It isn't bad, just not as good as it could have been. It's not user friendly enough for kids, and not deep enough for adults. Both will love the storylines, lavish cutscenes and incredible soundtrack though. I never would've believed that Mickey could have looked bad-ass unless I'd seen him for myself, with a keyblade in each hand.

87. Adventures of Lolo 1&2

I really wish this series would get a revival. It was a delightful puzzle series, that was both challenging and fun. The first game had one of the best ending battles of all time, and the sequel had great co-op play.

86. Rampage World Tour

The re-make was a bit more fun, overall, or at least less repetitive. Both games were kind of repetitive though, but the insane zaniness, great multiplayer action, and delightfully offbeat theme more than make up for any drawbacks. Dibs on Ralph!

85. Gauntlet 1 & 2

In this case, the original was better than the re-make. Focus is less on secret grabbing and character development than your average action/adventure game. The original 2 gauntlet games were all about fun! The wizard does indeed need food badly.

84. Altered Beast

Few games grabbed my attention as a young teen more than this one, and for the life of me, I'm not sure why. Oh don't get me wrong, it definitely does deserve this position, as there's a lot of action and shape-changing fun, coupled with a new special form each level, but the levels are just far too short to warrant a higher rating. I think I was just a lot worse at it when I was young, and took much longer to fully transform. That being said, the dragon form is the best Lycanthrope in the histroy of everything.

83. Grand Theft Auto 3

The series peaked at this title and never quite recovered. The sequel had too many mediocre sub-quests (a killer remote controlled helicopter?), the fourth lacked a good story, and the less said about the most recent addition, with its 'playdate' subquests, the better. So pop this classic in, grab a hooker and go run over a cop! It's all in good fun.

82. Starship Titanic

A lesser known gem written by the late, great Douglas Adams. It's somewhat tedious and immense at times, but that's part of its charm. As far as I know, it's the last point and click game where you have to enter what your character directly says instead of choosing from a list of possible responses, and honestly, those games died out for a reason. Just grab a hint guide when stuck and enjoy the lavish atmosphere and hilarious robots, including a great cameo from John Cleese, as the space ship's self-destruct mechanism.

81. Bioshock

Another game that's not as enjoyable to play as it is to watch, but that's only because of how incredibly enjoyable it is to watch. The difficulty lags a bit behind expectations, simply because there really isn't a penalty for death. As Yahtzee put it (from Zero Punctuation) if there's no penalty for failure, then even the 'big daddies' cease to be frightening. It's definitely worth a play through though, from its originality alone.

80. Star Wars Arcade (old)

A lot of old school arcade fun, and the first arcade game I ever played (I needed a foot stool to reach). Blowing up the death star is always fun, no matter how you do it, and the digitized character voices are simply icing on the cake.

79. Dr. Mario

One of the best puzzle games ever made, marred only by the simplicity of its design. Then again, that's also what makes it so enjoyable.

78. Half life 2

Quite possibly the 'perfect' first person action/shooter game. It would've rated higher, but the story and atmosphere aren't quite as perfect as the game's overall design. In a way, the game might have been underachieving a bit, just to keep in line with what a first person action/shooter has to be. The pseudo-sequel Portal helped overcome this (more on this later).

77. Soul Calibur 2 (arcade)

A slightly above average fighting game that won our hearts with its conquest mode. Not only could you fight your friends, but you could wage wars with them across continents, even when you're not there. Best of all, the computer kept track of your fighting style, and would use it to crush other players. Now you can kick your friend's ass even when you're not playing with him. (I've been informed that Swords4100 apparently rules ^_^)

76. Punch Out

A fun and comical boxing game that honestly has more in common with puzzle games than other sports titles. The characters are all over the top stereotypes, but it's too harmless to be offensive. To this day, the measure of any true red blooded gamer is how far they can get (I can get to Mike Tyson/Mr. Dream, but I can't beat him).

75. Super Mario Brothers 1

The old classic title that still entertains us to this day. The play is a little repetitive, and the remakes with save functions are better, but in any case, playing this game is a real treat, and the first came I beat on my own, from start to finish (honestly, that last hammer brother was harder than King Koopa).

74. Contra

More proof that simplicity of design can trump complexity. The original Contra is a lot of fun, especially in two player mode, and holds up to this day. The giant, over the top bosses are still etched into my mind, especially that damn giant tank. The great series Metal Slug (another top 200 title) owes a lot to the original Contra.

73. Actraiser

Again, I defy you to find a more enjoyable God sim. The side scrolling action sequences are far from perfect, but the real focus is the town creation/RPG elements. It may surprise people that I rate this game higher than Simcity, but it's true.

72. Donkey Kong Country

Great graphics, animal mounts, plenty of secrets, and good old fashioned silly fun make this a must have for any true gamer. Followed by several mediocre sequels, and a delightful 'fake ending' that will send you diving for your controller.

71. Earthworm Jim 1&2

Narrowly edges out Donkey Kong Country, and in many ways it's very similar. The main focus is light, silly action, with a great variety in levels, abilities and offbeat humor. Jim's classic battle with Bob the Goldfish helps edge the game slightly ahead of DKC.

70. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

Another game where its main feature is its nearly perfect design. The puzzles, story and voice acting are also great, and if it fails to reach any higher, it's simply because a lot of the game is a little 'gimmicky', playing almost solely off its main feature, the time manipulation. Assassin's Creed is less gimmicky, but of course, that game has its own flaws to deal with (it's another top 200 game). Still, this game is definitely worth a spot in every collection (the sequels...not so much).

69. Max Payne 1 & 2

I don't care what anyone says, I love this series. It's over the top action/noir, but in many ways it's subtle, and fully lives up to its noir roots. The sequel overplayed the hokey monologues and metaphors, but cleaned up the flaws in the system. Either game is definitely worth playing though, just for the pure gun filled bliss.

68. Mass Effect

Had the game ended halfway through, it would've been about 20 places closer to #1 in this list, with the main flaw being 'short length'. As it is, it feels like a FANTASTIC game packed in a very large box, filled with packing foam. You'll know when you reach the foam. You'll be done with a brilliant gunfight, move on to a deep and thoughtful conversation...only to face a never-ending maze that's exactly identical to the last three mazes you were in, with a guy at the end who's identical to the last one you spoke to). If it weren't for the mind numbing repetition (you'll walk through each level design at least 10 times each) it would've been a much better game. Despite some complaints, I like the elevator loading screens. It sure beats a bar filling up across the screen, especially if Tali's in the party (damn it, the only girl in the party I want is the only one I can't have).

67. Parappa the Rappa and Um Jamer Lami

It's a shame the series really never caught on with mainstream America, but the series is a lot of fun regardless. The levels are original, funny, and will all get you singing. Um Jamer Lami was just as good, if not better, but didn't get as much attention. Remember: kick, punch, it's all in the mind.

66. X-men arcade game

'X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-men' (repeat 10,000 times). The only thing wrong with this action packed superhero game is the soundtrack. Oh, that and...who the hell is Dazzler? Why didn't they use Jubilee? Or Iceman? Or Jean Grey? Or anyone else?

65. Portal

Vicious black humor (the Kurt Vonnegut kind, not the UPN kind), zany teleportation antics, and you a computer AI that you'll love to hate. Be sure to stay for the end credits, and the legendary ending song, sung by the evil computer herself.

64. Star Wars Arcade (new)

Better than the original, with lightsaber mini-games, shootouts right from the movies (the older good ones), brilliant graphics, and wonderful sound. It's almost closer to an experience than a game, and I take it as more proof that Lucas, at heart, is first and foremost a tech/special effects guy. That's why the story is always so mediocre. It's just not his forte.

63. Earthbound

Ah, they just can't make these kind of games anymore. Let's all go out and get some baseball bats so we can beat the local bullies senseless! Good times.

62. Nightshade

If you've never played it, you cannot know how awesome this game is...okay, maybe it's just awesome to me, but it's the perfect blend of humor, action, point-and-click, superheroes, and trench-coatedness. The fact you have to 'earn' extra lives by escaping from traps the villain places you in (before leaving the room, of course) is beyond perfect.

61. Wii Sports

Wii tennis alone is responsible for more smack talking than any two professional sports combined.

60. Final Fantasy 1

I got a little frustrated with this game when I figured out some of the 'tricks' it uses (it's programmed ahead of time how often you receive status ailments, and the leader of the game secretly heals himself every time a member of the party dies), but it's still one of the best balanced and more challenging RPGs out there. This was before RPGs got piss easy. Eternal Sonata, Blue Dragon, Xenosage...whatever, it's all JRPG crap that always means the same thing: in 50-60 hours you'll have beaten this game, even if you have no arms or are 5. Oh, and 45 of those hours will be cut-scenes. Anyway, Fighter, Thief, Black Belt and Red Mage is still my team of choice (with thief being the best class in the game, since they allow you to virtually always choose your battles). The White and Black mage just hit the floor way too damn easily.

59. Super Mario World

This is Mario and Luigi at their 2D prime, and it's also living proof that anything immediately becomes at least twice as cool if you involve dinosaurs, and three times as cool if you get to ride them like a horse.

58. Castlevania 2

This game is really really creepy, made all the creepier as you gather the 'parts' of Dracula by the wonderful 8bit soundtrack, and the incredibly dark endings. The good ending is just okay, with the standard twist at the end (oh what a shock, Dracula isn't dead, who would've known), but unless you've memorized every possible action in the game, it's nearly impossible to get said ending, so you're generally left with the other ending, where you break the curse, but die in the process. Spooky. Also, Simon never looked cooler. It's a shame he trades his awesome red and black outfit for the standard brown next game.

57. Lufia 2

DEKAR IS THE MAN! That's all I have to say. Well, that and the combat system is solid, and the 'extra' bonus dungeon at the end is a lot of fun (if somewhat buggy).

56. Koudelka

The sequels/followup games in the 'Shadow Hearts' series were too JRPG (see above rant) for me. The original was delightfully bizarre with a deep story, interesting battle system, and twisted monsters. How can you not love the fact that the charming old couple tries to poison you early on? The resulting conversation between the two heroes is comic gold.

55. Guitar Hero 1 & 2

"Its more than a feeling...MORE THAN A FEELING! When I hear that old song they used to play...MORE THAN A FEELING! I begin dreaming...MORE THAN A FEELING! Till I see marianne walk away...I see my marianne walkin AWAY!"

If you play air guitar when this song comes on the radio, you're not alone.

54. Robot Arena 2

Another great game you've never heard of. It's admittedly a little buggy (it never got a patch because it came out at the end of the fighting robots craze), but the design feature allows you to freely design any robot to battle in an arena, ala Battlebots or Robot Wars. For the uninitiated, this is simulating real fights between robots actually designed by geeks to battle in arenas. Yes, it's geeky, but damn it's cool.

53. Parasite Eve

It's amazing how well this RPG holds up over time. In fact, it's probably the best 'modern' RPG of all time (by modern, I mean taking place in a modern, realistic setting). A perfect blend of RPG and survival horror. It's a shame the sequel was so terrible, or it might have made it as a series.

52. Knights of the Old Republic

The sequel was sparse, mainly because it was literally only half finished upon release, but the original is solid. Like other similar games, it does suffer a bit from 'first dungeon' syndrome (a giant, linear first level that takes several hours to beat, which makes starting new characters a chore), but you'll be having more than enough fun to make the journey worthwhile. Beware of grinding in the first half of the game. More levels at the beginning means less levels in Jedi later.

51. Fire Pro Wrestling Returns

One of my favorite wrestling games. It's not perfect, but it captures the essence of old school wrestling fun. It's refreshing to have a battle system not built upon button mashing or mini-games as well. No, this is about timing, and it's wonderful simple design makes it much better than any recent WWE game. The only drawback is 95% of the characters are Japanese, and the only Americans you get are the ones that fight in Japan, and it's kind of random. You get Bam Bam Bigelow, Bret Hart, Andre the Giant, many UFC fighters, and most of the WCW crowd, but no Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Triple H, or Rock. Luckily, the character design system is great, so you can add whoever you please.

50. Shadowrun SNES

Not the Genesis or recent version. God no. No, this old classic is a shoot em up blast, and it's an RPG to boot. Yeah, the system isn't exactly balanced (you can literally make your character a cross between the Terminator, John Mclane, and Gandalf) and the spell invisibility makes the last part of the game a joke (which is why I don't use it), and decrypting was turned from a mini-RPG to minesweeper, but it's more than fun enough to get it into the top 50.

49. Lego Star Wars Complete series

Who knew that the Star Wars storyline worked well when silently played out with Lego people? Not challenging, but absolutely hilarious, and a lot of good natured fun. Lego Batman was also great, but a top 200 game, not 100.

48. Mega Man Legends 1, 2 and The Misadventures of Tron Bonne

Another series I wish would get a revival or re-release. These games were all great, not only for the fun gameplay, but funny story. The Bonne criminal family is fantastic, and the introduction of their leader, where he sits down to watch his favorite show, left me rolling in the aisles.

47. Monkey Island 1&2

Speaking of rolling in the aisles, Monkey Island is probably the best 'comedy' game series of all time. The first two were both great, although the great voice acting led the third in the trilogy (I don't count the fourth one, as the control system sucked) ahead in the ratings.

46. Katamari Damancy 1&2

Why don't they run? They have to be able to see it coming, right? Anyway, this game never gets old (although the king's expectations often seem a little out of whack, but are you really going to argue with him?)

45. Quest for Glory 1&2

I didn't like the third (although some people do), but the first two quest for glory games were a great split between traditional RPGs and King's Quest 'point and click' torture devices...I mean games. The character building system requires patience, but it's a refreshing change from a traditional 'level up' system.

44. Deja Vu

You think you're having a bad day? Our hero has no memory, was framed for murder, is constantly hunted by assassins, lives on a street riddled with muggers, and has an unconscious 300lb housewife tied up in his trunk. No wonder he punches women and shoots trespassers without provocation!

43. Resident Evil: The Director's Cut and Resident Evil 2

The game/system is showing it's age, but they're both still great...if you ignore the story, which I do. Unfortunately, the recent remake wasn't so good. I don't mind that the zombies come back to life, but did the system for destroying their bodies have to be so damn complicated?

42. Final Fantasy 4

Seriously, how the hell does Kain jump that high? When you defeat the enemy before he lands, is he doing the victory dance up in the air? I'd really like to know.

41. Super Mario Brothers 2

DAMN THAT FAT BUBBLE SPEWING FROG AND HIS ARMY OF TRANNY DINOSAURS!!! DAMN HIM STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! (on that note, Yoshi...you might want to sit down for this news...)

40. Breath of Fire

None of the later games in the series came anywhere near the quality of the first. Yeah, BoF2 had a great system, especially when you get to build your own town, and the most likable cat girl in video game history (how can you not like a girl who walks around without pants on?), but the needless amount of tragedy in the plot, coupled with a bizarrely unwinnable battle with a macho jerk (that's effortlessly killed by the bad guy later), and the worst 'dragon' system of any Breath of Fire game keep it out of the top 100. The first game is solid though, especially with its highly entertaining character combination system.

39. Sam & Max Season 1 & 2

Sam & Max re-enter the videogaming world with admittedly repetitive gameplay made palatable by the introduction of incredibly original and imaginative settings/scenarios. Only portal has better black humor than this gem (again, the Dr. Strangelove kind, not the Bernie Mac kind).

38. Silent Hill 3

A bit more 'cheery' and 'fan-servicey' than the past games,but at least the main heroine keeps her clothes on. The combat's better than the first two games too. There's just as much emphasis on story as the other Silent Hill games, and although it's far less 'scary' than the first two, it's still an excellent game. Still, something's wrong if a Silent Hill Game isn't 'scary'.

37. Simpsons Hit and Run

What a gem! Grand Theft Auto 3 play style mixed with brilliant Simpson's humor. My favorite moment: after striking a random car, Homer practically sings 'I have no insurance!'

36. Super Mario Kart

The first Mario Kart was the best, in my opinion. This was before the special weapons got far too powerful and broken. For this game, you needed skill, which is something you wouldn't expect, given that the design is definitely more 'kiddie' than serious.

35. Ogre Battle

It just came back to the virtual console! Hoo ha! You'd have to be obsessive to find EVERYTHING, and it's difficult to get a good ending without following the game's bizarre alignment system (being powerful is evil?), but it's all worth it for the great combat and real time strategy. It's a perfect blend of RPG, turn based strategy and real time strategy. Bring on the dragons!

34. Sanitarium

Ah, I remember when games could afford to be this twisted. Even modern Silent Hill games are twisted in a very formulaic and 'corporate approved' sort of way. Back in the day, you could have a point and click game that included walls made of meat, deformed children serving a tree goddess, and lunatics screaming about the imaginary insects swarming around their heads. Good times.

33. Tetris

I'm still convinced this game was a Russian plot to waste American work hours. Dropping blocks to make lines never seems to get old.

32. Sonic 1, Sonic 2, Sonic 3 & Sonic and Knuckles

Yeah, I listed them all together, but they're more or less all updates of the same game. It's a great game, regardless. Infinitely more fast paced than any Mario game of the time, and co-op mode in later games breathed new life into the series.

31. TMNT Arcade game (arcade)

The remakes and re-creations simply can't replicate the pure joy of joining up with three friends to take on Shredder and his goons, especially when you're in shouting distance. Be prepared for fistfights when the kid with full health grabs the pizza.

30. Super Punch Out

Again, less a sports game or fighting game than a puzzle game, but it's a good puzzle game, regardless. The re-make was a bit more polished than the original. It'll be interesting to see what they do in the latest update of this great series.

29. The Guardian Legend

The best game you've never heard of. With just a little tweaking, this could have easily been a Star Wars game, and a great one at that. Overhead adventure, lightsabers, and spaceship shooting stages to boot. It's probably the best blend of overhead shooter and Link-like adventure ever made.

28. Curse of Monkey Island

The third game in the series, the first to use voice actors, and the last that was any good. The gameplay is fun enough to stand on its own, but its the brilliant humor that makes it a classic.

27. Xmen Legends

The sequels and generic marvel remakes do no justice to the original, which was a ton of pure geeky fun. The ability to level up and advance the characters as you saw fit was a nice addition, since it allowed you to choose for yourself which four X-men you wanted in your team...okay, which three X-men to accompany Wolverine in your team.

26. Mega man 1 & 2

Despite all the re-makes and sequels, I keep coming back to the original two Megaman games. You can always tell if a game is truly great (Super Mario Bros) or merely great for its time (Duck Hunt) by measuring how many people still play the game, years later. I don't know about you, but I'm always ready for another chance to blow that smug Wiley straight to hell. For added fun, pretend he's Einstein. I'm not sure why that makes everything more hilarious, but it does.

25. Faxanadu

As we break into the top 25, we start with a game you've never heard of. The game was plagued with a terrible key system (as in lock/door keys), a pitifully easy final boss (a skull with legs?), and no reason to ever upgrade the first spell (ah Deluge, my trusty sidearm), but all that aside, it's a great adventure game that's honestly challenging, and filled with a lot of great hack and slash. It's also kind of funny how all the people are Elves, and all the monsters are called Dwarves. The game runs like a Middle Earth propaganda film.

24. Silent Hill 4

This game got some flack for its combat system, but I say ignore it, and focus on the brilliant atmosphere, the incredibly disturbing imagery, and wonderful characters. Yes, the 'go through the levels again' was a bit of a cop-out, but there's something truly ingenious about a game when you're more afraid of the 'save' room than the combat. Claustrophobic and ingenious, Silent Hill 4 is definitely worth finishing.

23. Resident Evil 4

Edges out Silent Hill 4 purely from improved combat. The first half hour is pure dynamite! Unfortunately, the rest of the game is somewhat lackluster in comparison, but it never stops being fun. The extra arcade-like combat missions, unlocked after the game is finished, adds a lot to the experience. It's definitely a must have, although the escort missions, with little Miss 'Walk Straight into Gunfire' are enough to keep it far from the top 10.

22. Legend of Zelda 1

Not as close to the top 10 as some would imagine...hell, it didn't even make the top 20. Zelda 1 was more groundbreaking than it was fun. Don't get me wrong, the game is fun, just not as fun as some suggest. It's repetitious, has virtually no plot, and several of the items are what I call 'Rafts', meaning they do nothing besides get you to the next level, or allow an item to do something that it should have done from the beginning.

21. Link's Awakening

The far improved story and excellent gameplay helps edge Link's Awakening (for the gameboy) slightly ahead of the original Legend of Zelda. I simply enjoyed playing it more, which goes to show how important plot and story are to a game.

20. Fallout 1 & 2

We start the top 20 with one of the most in-depth RPG/strategy series ever made. The games had some balance issues, and some of the skills were downright useless, but that hasn't kept a generation of gamers consistently coming back for more.

19. Bully

Quite possibly the best 'sandbox' game ever made, and definitely the best one Rockstar's ever created. Call it juvenile, or anti-social revelry, but you have to admit, beating up bullies, kissing the popular girls and becoming king of the school is always a great time. The system does have its limits, and competitive gamers will find it easy, but competitive gamers are paying $15 a month to play WoW, so how much can they know? ^_^

18. Fallout 3

Wow, did that ending suck. I want to go on about how great the combat system is, and how much fun you'll have creating characters and solving quests through many different means (similar to Deus Ex), but I can't get over how horrible the ending is. Basically, it involves the most pointless self-sacrifice since 'Volcano'. Your hero could have easily solved the situation with a BB gun, mutant friend...or hell, even a long stick. Don't get me wrong, I still love the game, but it fell from #6 all the way down to #18, just from the ending and lack of an after-game alone.

17. Wonder Boy 3: Dragon's Curse

I love the shape changing, replay-ability, and the fact it's one of the first and best open world 2D adventure games ever made...BUT WHY DID THEY FEEL THE NEED FOR THE RED STONES?!!! If you haven't played it, you can't know the frustration of having enough gold for items, but not enough 'red stones'. Fuck you pig man! Take the damn money and GIVE ME THAT SWORD!!!

16. Myst

Whew! There's a lot of pent up rage in the last two games. Myst is a nice interlude, as the game exudes tranquility. There's a lot of flowing water, untimed exploration, and little to no chance of death (if you grabbed the power lines or gave either of those maniacs the last pages, then you had it coming). Myst not only entertained us, but mystified us with beautiful atmosphere, great sound, and a masterfully unfolding plot. The sequels just weren't good enough to compare to the original.

15. Persona 3

Another great high school game, ala Bully, only this time we're in Japan, where you gain popularity by being a model student. Unfortunately, they didn't do that just because it's socially acceptable. No, that's the way it just is over there. The game isn't only a great RPG and above average (and far less yucky than average) dating SIM, but it's a great peek into Japanese culture, and the mindset of its teenagers. I've clocked in about 80 hours and I'm still not done. The sequel seems just as good, but it's still a little early to tell.

14. WWF Wrestlefest

Not the most advanced wrestling game ever made, but arguably the most fun. A simple system, combined with some button mashing, is made up by the surprising variety of characters. Better yet, not only do the characters have a wide variety of moves, but their appearances are dramatically different from each other, including body size and shape. Each character also has their own unique victory poses, and there's even a ring announcer to give the play by play of the match. Many more recent games have much better graphics, but no wrestling game captures the 'feel' and silly fun of pro-wrestling better than this one. Dibs on Jake the Snake!

13. Final Fantasy 6

The first true Epic RPG. Sure, FF4 came close, but only Final Fantasy 6 had the guts to end the world HALFWAY THROUGH THE GAME. The game also includes several storylines, deep characters, a great soundtrack, and THE most memorable villain in video game history. The combat was a bit cheesy at points, and level grinding was more or less required at the end of the game, but this game has a strong place in my heart, regardless.

12. Link to the Past

I can't even remember how many times I've beat this game. It's a perfect example of a game being much better than it needed to be. Every level was a delight, it was the first game to switch between two nearly identical worlds as a gameplay device, and just as the commercials claimed: just when you think your quest is ended...you find it's only begun. Beware the wrath of the chickens!

11. Silent Hill 1

Just short of the top 10, Silent Hill 1 had the best storyline of any videogame up to then, and I'd even go as far to claim that it truly started the survival horror genre (I'm sorry, but Resident Evil was not 'horror'). The 'fog', which was there because of the limits of the technology, actually greatly improved the overall feel, and the vast emptiness of the city trumps any of the modern action zombifests that have come out recently, Silent Hill 5 included.

10. Super Metroid

An often overlooked gem. Super Metroid is a lot better than any of the 'Prime' series, and perfected the side-scrolling action/adventure formula that made the series famous. In many ways it was the precursor to Castlevania Symphony of the Night (more on that later), and the storyline managed to be good without being oppressive, as it was in Metroid Fusion.

9. Disgea 1 & 2

The pinnacle of strategy games, for one important reason: it's entertaining. It combines the character development, team management, and turn based strategy with anime inspired comedy, all set in an incredibly unique and original world. If it has any weakness, it's the ridiculous depth of the game, which all but requires endless level grinding. I'd just play through the normal quests, and leave the bonus dungeons for the true fanatics (myself included).

8. River City Ransom

My mom didn't understand why I wanted this game rather than Super Mario Brothers 3, and at the time, neither did I. I can only claim it was the sheer AWESOMENESS of this game pulling me in, via Osmosis. Beat up school kids, eat burgers, learn super moves, throw garbage cans, whack people in the head with pipes, and steal the bad guy's girlfriend. What's not to love? You can even develop your character's skills, to make him any sort of fighter you like. The recent remake for the gameboy was even better, but for real fun, check out www.x-strikestudios.com and get River City Rumble. It's a game so awesome, geeks made feature length movies parodying them. Now that's Watchmen awesome.

7. Psychonauts

Ah, the game that started it all. To answer the original question, Amber, Psychonauts is my 7th favorite game of all time, and why not? It's the best 3D action/adventure/exploration/collecting every flavored jelly bean sort of game ever made, the psychic powers are great, and the amount of hidden story is incredible (did you find the secret room in the disco party level?). Like all truly great stories, the depth is there if you want it to be. If not, then just play for the hilarious antics, inspired level designs, and thrilling action.

6. Dragon's Lair

Despite its flaws, I keep taking this game back, like an abused heroine on the Lifetime network. Put plainly, it's a videogame that's also a cartoon, with dinosaur and robot villains, and even includes a hot, nearly naked princess in it. All it needs is ninja turtles, and it'd be adolescent perfection! The many deaths of Dirk the Daring are still comic gold...and now I know the name of my band's (Ninja Robot Dinosaur) first album: 'The Many Deaths of Dirk the Daring'.

5. Legend of Zelda 2

Why don't people give this game the unconditional love it deserves? Why do they keep whining about Zelda 1 instead? Sure, the town segments were pointless, but the caverns and dungeons were pure bliss! It's a side scrolling action/adventure that easily tops all the other Zelda titles, especially that downright pathetic Twilight Princess. DOWNSTAB!!!

4. Silent Hill 2

Words can barely do this game justice. Do you know how incredible the storyline, atmosphere, characters and pacing of this game are? It more than makes up for the pathetic combat system. The voice acting made the game a legend, especially in Europe, where story still trumps gameplay. The main character is quite possibly the most flawed main character in video game history, and every aspect of the plot is drawn into question, including the main character's sanity (the letter he 'received' from his deceased wife eventually turns blank). As an added bonus, the conversation with Angela on the burning stairway is the most heartbreaking moment in gaming history (Aeris' death doesn't even come close). Okay, so the fights range from downright pathetic to murderously unfair, but who cares? Pyramid Head's chasing you! RUN FOR IT!!!

3. Planescapes: Torment

Very few games can really make you think about humanity, free will, belief, and choices even 1/10 as much as Torment can. Great voice acting, scenery, (mostly) open ended gameplay, an incredibly unique storyline, and dialog without equal, Torment is easily the best DnD based game ever made, and despite being firmly set in fantasy, the characters and storyline are strong enough to draw anyone in. Okay, so there's no reason to be a thief, there's virtually no armor for the main character, but the depth and entertainment value is nearly endless! If you've never played it, do so now!

2. Castlevania Symphony of the Night

The true start of the conversation. According to one reviewer, this game isn't as good as Crash Bandicoot 2.

Okay, I'd like to make an important statement: I am willing, as a rational thinking person, to judge your worth as a human being based solely on what you think of this game.

Furious action, swordplay, explosive magic, imaginative monsters, vampires, a fantastic soundtrack, wonderful character development, a level based character system, a sprawling castle to explore, open ended gameplay, shapeshifting, and 'second quest' is an upsidedown version of the castle!

GOOD GOD! WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT IN A GAME?!!!

1. Chrono Trigger

Okay, you could want it to be Chrono Trigger. Time travel has never been quite so thoughtful or fun. A balanced, intuitive and thoroughly enjoyable combat system compliments the fantastic storyline like peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes the game can be a little goofy, but it more than makes up for it by making those goofy character's very easy to like, and relate with. The characters in this story are delightfully human, wonderfully unique, and the storyline is both thrilling and thoroughly enjoyable.

Mention one word of the sequel, however, and I'll bury you next to that Crash Bandicoot 2 fan.

2009-01-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

The Hell?

Okay...I remember complaining about a youtube video on the internet, where a guy claims that Castlevania Symphony of the Night wasn't as good as Crash Bandicoot 2.

I also remember saying to Amber that, "Symphony of the Night is my second favorite game of all time, seconded only by Chrono Trigger."

I remember Amber then asking, "So what's your 7th favorite?"

That forced me to make a top ten list...which spilled over into a top 20 list...then I realized that I'd forgotten 'Torment'...and things got a little hazy after that...

The next thing I knew, I had a list of my hundred favorite games of all time, in no particular order (besides Symphony of the Night as 2nd best, and Chrono Trigger as best of all time).

So here it is! I'll probably put them in order at some point. Please feel free to complain about glaring omissions and insane additions. Hey, I never said they had broad appeal. They're just MY favorite. Oh, and don't bother mentioning any Zelda game that wasn't on the NES, SNES, or game boy. With the exception of Wind Waker (which would have made the top 200, but not top 100) they all suck.

I've added a few explanations, to the less obvious choices. You may also notice some games have their sequels listed in the same spot. There's really no point listing every game in the series if the games are nearly identical. I only broke them down if there was significant differences between them.

Here we go:

Silent Hill 4 (very underrated game, with an admittedly crumby battle system, but a nerve shatteringly scary and disturbing plot)

Final Fantasy 1 (the hardest Final Fantasy game ever, and a lot of old school fun)

Ogre Battle (the depth in this game is nothing short of ridiculous)

Dr. Mario

Tetris

Katamari Damancy 1&2 (literally the most unique game ever made)

Sam & Max Season 1&2 (it just came out on Wii. Pick it up, it's a great bargain)

Shadowrun for SNES (the Genesis version was deeper, but this one was a lot more fun)

Wonder Boy 3: Dragon's Curse (I literally played this every weekend for two years)

Dragon's Lair (it's an arcade game that's a cartoon! The deaths are still hilarious)

Star Wars Arcade game (old) (a lot of old school shoot em up fun)

Star Wars Trilogy Arcade game (new) (a lot better than any of the new movies

Sonic 1, Sonic 2, Sonic 3 & Sonic and Knuckles (it's rare when every game in the series is great)

Myst

Psychonauts (the greatest game you've never played)

Final Fight for the Arcade (the quintessential 'beat em up' game)

Street Fighter 2

Monkey Island 1&2 (the second is better, but they're both solid gold)

Fallout 1 & 2

Sanitarium (scientifically proven to give cousins nightmares)

Super Metroid (before 'Metroid Prime' ruined the franchise)

Wii Sports (the best selling video game of all time)

Super Mario Kart (Toad all the way!)

Super Mario Brothers 2 (DITTO!)

Quest for Glory 1 & 2 (the first still makes me laugh. Did you hit on the centaur girl? I did. ^_^)

Faxanadu (another highly underrated game. It's only flaw was a pathetic final boss)

Punch-out (KING HIPPO MUST DIE!)

Robot Arena 2 (greatest 'homemade fighting robots' game ever. The design feature is second to none)

Curse of Monkey Island (different enough from the other Monkey Island games to get its own line. It also featured actual speaking parts, and all the old characters)

Silent Hill 1 (this game won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life)

TMNT Arcade game (you have to play it in the arcade with 3 friends to really appreciate this gem. Dibs on Donatello!)

Chrono Trigger

Castlevania Symphony of the Night

Silent Hill 2 (screw the mediocre combat, this game has voice acting and writing worthy of an Oscar. Pyramid Head also gains instant immortality by...well...okay, let's just not go into what he did in this game)

Legend of Zelda 2 (better than Zelda 1. There, I said it. I wouldn't take it back either)

Legend of Zelda 1 (still a fantastic game)

WWF Wrestlefest for the Arcade (the greatest Wrestling game of all time, mostly because it perfectly captures the hokey, silly fun of the psuedo-sport)

Mega man 1 & 2 (2 was better than 1, but both were great)

Fallout 3

Persona 3 (I've clocked at least 80 hours in this game, and I'm still not finished yet. I love this AMAZINGLY 'Japanese' RPG.

Disgea 1 & 2 (We made the list, DOOD!)

Final Fantasy 6 (the second best RPG of all time, thanks to immensely likable characters and a great story...you hear that FF7-12? STORY!)

Link to the Past (better than Zelda 1. There I said it, and I wouldn't take it back.)

Bully (many games are more in depth and refined, but very few are as fun. Don't get the Wii version though, the controls suck)

Parappa the Rappa and Um Jamer Lami (Remember: Kick, punch...it's all in the mind.)

X-men arcade game (Not quite as fun as the ninja turtles, but still a blast. Dibs on Nightcrawler!)

Castlevania 2 (disturbing enough to rival any Silent Hill game)

Guitar Hero 1 & 2

The Guardian Legend for the NES (find the rom and PLAY THIS GAME! Try not to think about her 'transformations' too much. It'll hurt your head)

Super Punch Out (where's King Hippo?!!! More balanced and fun than the first, but I'm honestly missing the King)

Elebits (because we WANT to be able to slam dressers against the wall)

Koudelka (the easily overlooked survival horror/RPG that nobody besides me played. The sequel, 'Shadow Hearts' was a lot more popular, but I prefer the original)

Mass Effect (loses steam about halfway through, but a great game regardless)

Bioshock

Starship Titanic (a bit tedious, but that's part of the fun in this epic, beautiful point and click game)

Super Mario World (how fast can you beat it from start to finish? My best time is somewhere around 10-12 minutes)

Deus ex

Half life 2

Resident Evil 4

Altered Beast (short, and nearly impossible on the home systems, but very enjoyable)

Earthbound

Blaster Master (no game has ever needed a save/password feature more than this one, but thanks to Roms and save state, that problem is over)

Mega Man Legends 1, 2, and the Misadventures of Tronne Bonne (love these games!)

Link's Awakening for gameboy (better than...ah, you know the drill. Loved the story)

Nightshade (An adventure/action/comedy/point and click superhero Sim on the NES. Instead of lives, every time you get knocked out, you get placed in slow moving trap by the villain, who then leaves the room. If you figure it out, you get to go on.)

Baldur's Gate 1 & 2 (fun...but not as good as I remember, especially the 2nd one, but better than Neverwinter Nights)

Lego Star Wars series (it's about time Star Wars got its sense of humor back)

Max Payne 1 & 2 (action noir at its finest)

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

Earthworm Jim 1 & 2 (Jim's epic battle with Bob the Goldfish still cracks me up)

Breath of Fire (the first was the best)

Donkey Kong Country (ditto)

Harvest Moon (dibs on the bar wench!)

Contra (^ ^ V V < > < > B A START)

Super Mario Brothers 1

Gauntlet 1 & 2 (the Wizard indeed needs food badly)

Bad Mojo (as disturbing as it is unique. Kafka would be proud)

Oddworld: Abe's Odyssey (the first was actually quite good, and strangely touching)

Grand Theft Auto 3 (none of the sequels are as fun as this one)

Twisted Metal 2 (have I been saying 'ditto' a lot?)

Resident Evil: The Director's Cut and Resident Evil 2 (it's a wooden door and you have a shotgun. Screw the helmet key!)

X-men Legends (possibly the best superhero game of all time)

Simpsons: Hit and Run (even more fun than GTA3)

Tecmo bowl (you don't have to be into fantasy sports to love this game)

Torment (to change the nature of a man...)

Soul Calibur 2 (arcade)

Mortal Kombat 2 (everything went downhill after the 'run' button got included in MK3)

Actraiser (I dare you to find a more entertaining 'god' Sim)

Adventures of Lolo 1&2 (Two great, if somewhat forgotten, puzzle games. Lolo 1 also has the best final battle in gaming history)

Rampage World Tour (the re-make was better than the original)

Knights of the Old Republic (a little slow to start, but worth it)

Lufia 2 (DEKAR IS THE MAN!)

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns (another great 'old school' wrestling game)

Kingdom Hearts 1 & 2 (the gameplay wasn't quite as good as the cut scenes, but when you're fighting Cerberus alongside Donald and Goofy, who cares?

Parasite Eve (a fantastic game, but a pitiful sequel cut this series short...you can't even see anything in that dang shower scene...)

Dega Vu (Assault, kidnapping and murder? Not if you're a detective it isn't!)

Silent Hill 3 (the improved gameplay made up for the weaker story)

Final Fantasy 4 (If I could only have one super power, it'd be to be able to jump that high)

Phoenix Wright 1 & 2 (OBJECTION! Your honor, that VGcats cartoon was horribly...on second thought, it was more or less accurate)

River City Ransom (the re-make irons out the bugs, but even with bugs, you'll have nearly endless fun beating the living crap out of the gangs while downing 10 burgers in a row, buying new shoes, and reading books called 'Acro Circus'. For more details, look up the independent comedy 'River City Rumble' ^_^)

Whew! That's a lot! Which is best???

Oh yeah, I already said it was Chrono Trigger.

Well I wonder which is second...

Damn it, I already revealed it was Symphony of the Night.

Way to kill the suspense, Max.

Oh well, tune in soon for the anti-climax!

2008-12-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how neglected your blog becomes after you get a girlfriend

That about sums it up, really.

Oh, and I've given up looking for awesome band names. The winner, hands down, was 'Face Daggers' (special thanks to Garret).

Now I'm looking for horrible band names. It's not merely enough to be gross, inappropriate or obscene. No, in the music industry that can be a plus. I mean names that could actually be possibly used at some point, and not bad enough to be ironic, like:

Grey Matter

Helen & Hubby

Business Casual

The Tampa Bay Tabbies

My Name is Love

Aren't those atrocious? Hey! That's another good one:

Atrocious

God, you can barely say it without getting a bad taste in your mouth.

All that aside, I've come up with something, and I don't care if none of it ever gets used, I'm having too much fun working on it.

What could be more intense and dangerous than exploring ancient ruins, facing evil necromancers, and slaying vicious dragons?

Being in high school, pretending to explore ancient ruins, face necromancers, and slay vicious dragons.

It started as a joke on Fark, under the 'rejected RPGs' topic, but I'm running with it....

NERRRRRRRRRRRD! (The RPG)

I'm also considering the title 'Victims and Virgins' (the original Fark title), but that might be a little cruel.

Basically, you play one of a group of nerds, geeks, rejects and losers at a local high school, with the overall goals of gaining the best geek loot, becoming the 'Alpha' of the herd, maintaining a relatively high level of popularity (possibly even as high as 'sorta liked'), all while desperately reaching for the ultimate goal...going on an actual date.

There are no hit points, as even the highest level geek can pretty much be dropped by a single punch from a normal person, but death is never a way out. No, you'll be forced to live through every indignity with nothing besides your geek stats and Thaco score to help you.

The six basic geek stats, which you roll 4d6 (dropping the lowest) are: SPAZ, FANTASY SPORTS, LINUX, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT, ROLE PLAYING, and LEET SKILLZ.

In all honesty, none of these skills have any real impact on much of anything, besides 'geek duels' where you compete with your fellow geeks. In many cases, having a low score can be a good thing if you're trying to be 'popular'.

Geeks can't actually fight, but if they could, it would be with the SPAZ stat. Slap boxing, jumping up and down, flailing your arms about, and threatening to throw a friend's 1st edition Mox Ruby down the garbage disposal are all covered by this stat.

FANTASY SPORTS is the measure of the geek's encyclopedic knowledge of sports. They might have no clue how to actually play them, but they sure as hell know who they want in their fantasy team. This stat can also act as a 'diplomacy' of sorts with jocks and normal people, as against all odds, they did watch the game last night...on the internet.

LINUX is the geek's computer knowledge, and also how well they use the internet. It doesn't cover Linux exclusively, but that's what separates the small puny boys from the small puny boys who aren't slaves to Micro$oft.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT is a geek's measure of pop culture trivia, and a good indication of how well they'd do in 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' (right up until they're asked about anything pertaining to the real world). Like FANTASY SPORTS, it can be used as a diplomatic skill of sorts, with the more preppy, gossipy crowd.

ROLE PLAYING isn't just about how well they roll the dice and fudge saving throws, but also how well they can perform, understand others and bluff fellow classmates. Of course, it only seems to work well when the situation is somehow to Monty Python.

LEET SKILLZ reflects your ability to pwn nwbs, get head shots, scream into a tiny microphone, and pay $15 a month to get your ass kicked by a South Korean kid. It also covers a geek's general skill at physical activity...that doesn't involve much running.

Honestly, they won't come up much in the real world, not unless the geeks want to try using them (which usually isn't a great idea). There are only five basic skills that really have a meaningful impact on life, on a regular basis: SCRAMBLE, TALK TO GIRLS (BOYS if the player is a girl), PIRATE, and NINJA.

SCRAMBLE is the ability to run away and escape, or at least not be the 'slowest' of the herd.

TALK TO GIRLS/BOYS is self explanatory. It's not just what you say, but also how you say it, how much you stare at their breasts, and if you pass out or not.

PIRATE is the act of breaking the rules/law. It covers getting away with activities such as jimmying open lockers, picking pockets, pirating music, smuggling contraband, grabbing the last cookie, lying to authority figures, sneaking a 5th lightning bolt into your deck, and smoking with the 'bad kids' out back.

NINJA is the act of sneaking, hiding, and disguising yourself. Depending on the situation, it might also include major feats of agility by geeks tandards, like jumping a three foot gap.

The last stat is THACO, or To Hit Anything 'Cept Zilch. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Geeks actually have a change of hitting people in a fight. It starts at 20, and goes down verrrrrrrrrrry slowly. This is what you have to roll to hit anything that isn't a fellow geek or an office toy. This is no guarantee that the hit will do any damage, or that the geek has any chance of winning the fight, but stranger things have happened. Two things, exactly. Of course, geeks can always improve their odds by fighting really dirty.

You play one of the following classes. I'm working on the rules (as I said, it's just for fun), so I'm just listing the basic concepts, strengths and weaknesses. The 11 basic character classes are:

Goody 2 Shoes

Good at fantasy sports, but bad at Leet Skillz. Covers yearbook editors, over achievers, members of the honor society, and anyone who reads during lunch. They're undeniably good at getting out of trouble and getting others into it. Popular with the teachers, but no one else. Examples include Lisa Simpson and Hermione Granger.

Scaredy Cat

Slightly less geeky than his fellow companions, these timid geeks are masters of avoiding bullies, dangers, life experiences, and anything fun. Examples include Screech, and Woody Allen.

Red Headed Step Child

Even geeks have the equivalent of 'black sheep' and social pariahs. These geeks tend to be good with computers, but bad at convincing the other geeks that they're anything besides a loser. Of course, this often makes them more sympathetic in some eyes. Examples include Dilbert and Charlie Brown.

Drama Queen/Butch

I'm not saying that these geeks are gay. In fact, they're often incredibly straight. In any case, these geeks are either guys who sing showtunes and collect Barbie dolls, or gals who like flannel, working with their hands, and cutting their hair really short. They tend to be great at role playing, but poor at Linux (regardless of gender). They may have no real chance of landing a date (for obvious reasons), but their empathy with the opposite sex is incredible. Examples include Milhouse and Peppermint Patty.

Fanboy

Be it a comic book, anime, movie or 80's cartoon, this geek has seen it, rated it on his blog, and written a fanfiction about it. They're great at Arts & Entertainment, but poor at fantasy sports. A bit more shameless than the other geeks, but many normal people find them funny. Examples include the Comic Store Guy from the Simpsons, and Fanboy from Freakazoid.

Freak

Of all the types of geeks, the Freaks are the most likely to win a fight. Of course, the method they used (textbook, #2 pencil, and class pet) will probably get them suspended for a week or two. These are the kids later described as being 'such a quiet kid'. They're great at spazzing out, but not so good at roleplaying, or actingb human for that matter. Examples include Ralph Wiggum, Cartman, and Dennis (do not sit next to Dennis).

Gamer

Gamers have the best Leet Skillz, the worst connection to the real world (measured by Arts & Entertainment), and are the most likely to try something crazy, as long as they saw it done in GTA4 (please don't let the media know they're right). They try to offset their incredibly poor athletic ability with ridiculous amounts of competitiveness, coupled with a powerful caffeine habit. Examples include Gabe & Tycho, Yahtzee, and anyone that knows who any of those people are.

Otaku

There are geeks, and then there are GEEKS. You don't have to be Japanese to be Otaku (although for some reason it helps). Any nationality can be well versed in every geek stat, at the expense of having absolutely no ability to socialize, and possessing a stench that will ultimately get the authorities involved. Examples include Travis Touchdown, and Otakon from Metal Gear Solid.

Pathetic Follower

Some people are born to lead and others are born to obsess over the people who lead. Less geeky than most of the other geeks, or at least nowhere as geeky as they wish they were. Still, they're more likely to have a good career and girlfriend later, at the expense of all their individuality. Don't worry, it's not like they were using it. Examples include Meg Griffin and Kyle Broflovsky.

Dweeb

Not every geek necessarily deserves to be one. Every once in a while someone's pants accidentally fall down, or they get a boner when standing in front of the class, or a dog runs up to them and pees all over their leg. At that point their social life is more or less over. Until they go to a new school, there's nothing left to do but hang out with the geeks. They aren't particularly good at any of the geek skills, but they're pretty good at most of the regular skills. In other words, they're more or less normal. Pity the poor fools. Examples include Dante from Clerks, and Wil Wheaton.

As for the 11th type of geek...well you tell me. What have I missed? What archetype isn't covered here?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go finish some of the rules and roll up a 1st level Teacher's pet. ^_^

2008-10-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

FLORIDA IS HOT, HUMID AND EMPTY.

Also, there was a baby alligator. That really sums things up. I'm afraid I'm a little burned out, so a full retelling of the trip is out of the question, but everything was nice, and involved long quiet days in the hotel, free top shelf liquor, my taxi getting lost, my coat getting stolen, a wonderful train ride down...and a not so wonderful train ride back.

Still, the train ride back inspired me to indeed write my R-rated choose your own adventure book: 'Max's Magical Train Ride'. I make no apologies for it, as thinking this through was the only thing that kept me sane during the trip back.

Enjoy!

MAX'S MAGICAL TRAIN RIDE

1. Ah, there's nothing like a wonderful long ride on a train. You're Max Freeman, a young, over-imaginative computer geek, and you're coasting along without a care in the world. As the train rides along, you almost feel as if you're flying. Without a doubt, it's the most wonderful way to trav...

"Yeah, I'm on the train! I'm going to break up with my girlfriend when I get there. I like her and everything, but my buddy said you should be single during your first year of college, or you won't have fun. I hope my parent's take me out for ribs when I get there! They might want steak, but I'm tired of steak..."

Okay, so there's a whiny nineteen year old douchebag loudly complaining about his all but perfect life into a cell phone behind you, but regardless, it's still the most wonderful way to trav...

*Nudge*

Directly behind you is a woman sleeping face down on the folding tray connected to the back of your seat. Every few seconds she nudges the back of your seat unconsciously. Every few seconds....*nudge*. Pretty soon you'll be trying to sleep, and once a minute you'll feel that...*nudge*.

Regardless! Riding in a train is still the nicest way to trav...

Two teenage girls sitting in front of you switch on their portable DVD player, and start watching 'Ella Enchanted'. They both want to watch, so they don't bother with headphones. It's loud...too loud to escape. You'll be listening to that movie from start to finish. Every bone grinding second....

Who cares?! You're on a train and...

"Why hello there, young fella."

Uh...

"You're tall!"

Okay, a drunk woman in her mid sixties is constantly hitting on you every time she passes, but that's no reason not to...

"Hi! I'll be sitting next to you!"

An old guy who smells really weird and dresses like Mr. Rogers sits down next to you and starts plugging numerous electronic devices into the wall.

"Aren't they amazing! I've got an electric toothbrush and mini-blender, which I'll be using to blend all my protein shakes when I'm not reciting passages to you from my various books! Say, do you know that there's a place online where you can find out how to make a suitcase bomb?"

You need to switch seats really fast! Luckily, that won't be a prob...

"I'm sorry sir, all seats are assigned."

You protest, and the conductor throws a mini-pillow at your face.

"All seats are assigned sir! You only paid for one ticket! No moving around!"

Only 23 hours and forty minutes left of the trip...

That's it. You can't take it anymore.

You've decided to kill as many of your surrounding passengers as possible.

But who are you going after first?

The college kid who won't stop complaining into his cell phone? (go to 2)

The old, smelly criminally insane guy with all the electronic gadgets? (go to 3)

The teenage girls watching DVDs without headphones? (go to 4)

The sleeping woman who keeps nudging the back of your seat? (go to 5)

The drunk, elderly woman who keeps hitting on you? (go to 6)

The conductor, who won't let you switch seats? (go to 7)

2. Yes, that whiny overprivileged jerk must go! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 8)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 9)

Agatha Christie style (go to 10)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 11)

Ironically (go to 12)

With whatever's lying around (go to 13)

3. Yes, that homicidal lunatic must be dispatched, but how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 14)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 15)

Agatha Christie style (go to 16)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 17)

Ironically (go to 18)

With whatever's lying around (go to 19)

4. Yes, before they put on 'Ice Age'! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 20)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 21)

Agatha Christie style (go to 22)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 23)

Ironically (go to 24)

With whatever's lying around (go to 25)

5. You almost feel bad...but you can't take it anymore! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 26)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 27)

Agatha Christie style (go to 28)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 29)

Ironically (go to 30)

With whatever's lying around (go to 31)

6. God yes, before she gets another 'Sam Adams' from the dining cart. But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 32)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 33)

Agatha Christie style (go to 34)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 35)

Ironically (go to 36)

With whatever's lying around (go to 37)

7. The true source of your pain...he must die. But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 38)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 39)

Agatha Christie style (go to 40)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 41)

Ironically (go to 42)

With whatever's lying around (go to 43)

8. "Yeah, the train ride is long, I can barely stand it. My classes are alright, but I'm not going to study or anything...sorry, some guy is doing something with my window, I'm not really paying attention. Damn, the wind is cold. It's not cold like that skiing trip in Norway I went on last year, but yeah, it's kind of cold. Could you speak up? I seem to be flying through the air towards a tree, and everything's really loud, like that Nine Inch Nails concert last summer, where..."

*SPLAT!* (go to 44)

9. You aim the end of your luggage towards his long, emo hair, and your aim is true. You smash, crush and squish with reckless abandon, but unfortunately, draw a lot of attention. One way or the other, your trip is over. Oh well, at least you had fun. THE END

10. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"I'm afraid this is not an accident, as Mr. Freeman would suggest. No. No, he himself slowly strangled the young man to death, after convincing every other passenger in the train that the world will be a better place afterward. Convincing them was easy...but fooling me proved impossible."

Damn Belgian. THE END

11. A few thousand miles away, an identical jack-off is talking into his phone:

"What's that man? How's the train trip? Huh? I can't hear you man! You sound like you're being suffocated with a small pillow or something! Listen, we'll just meet here, break up with our girlfriends, and then go out for ribs? How's that sound man? What? I'll take that silence for a yes...oh, and how was your trip to Norway?! Hello?!" (go to 44)

12. "Hold on man, I've got another call...hello?"

"Do not hang up the phone. You must do everythign I say, or a sniper will shoot you in the head..."

"Wow, it's just like that movie!"

"Uh...yeah, it's just like that movie. Now, you have to do everything I..."

"How can you have a sniper in a train?"

"I...guess you can't. I really didn't think this one through."

"That's cool. Want to hear about my trip to Norway?" THE END

13. You take the toothbrush out of your suitcase and slowly begin sharpening it into a shiv.

"I'm so bummed man, none of the girls in my classes are hot. I've been hanging around the computer lounge and started talking with this chick though..."

You sharpen faster. What comes next won't be subtle in the least, and you'll probably have to run for it afterward...but who cares?

"Dude, a guy's coming towards me with a toothbrush. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gay."

Stabby time! THE END

14. Damn! The old psychotic Mr. Rogers is spry, and sees your attack coming. He manages to fend you off with his various electronic devices until the authorities come for you. That's what you get for underestimating a lunatic. THE END

15. You flop your giant, heavy suitcase upon him, and squish the tiny guy like a bug. The soft hum of the half-crushed electronic devices is oddly satisfying. You enjoy a few moments of peaceful silence before continuing. (go to 44)

16. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Yes, this poor man did indeed poison himself...but not willingly! I'm sure you all might recall his obsession with health food? Both organic and raw? No? Well Poroit did not forget, mon ami, and I now know for a fact that Mr. Freeman convinced the victim to enjoy his Tapioca RAW instead of cooked, as that would be healthier. Indeed, it would be the healthier choice, were it not...poison!"

Damn Belgian. THE END

17. Your neighbor is very unhappy doesn't have an outlet for his portable nosehair groomer. 'No problem' you inform him. You simply take your miniature pillow, slam it over his head, and start solving the problem.

Solving the problem...

Solving the problem...

Shh...

And the problem's solved! (go to 44)

18. Some problems take a very well thought out and carefully executed plan. Other problems are solved simply by inserting a man's necktie into his portable blender, and turning it on. Do we live in a world where the latter is the case? I like to think so. (go to 44)

19. You unfortunately have to interrupt his hundredth reading from his book on 'how imagination, not science, controls reality' with a special reading from the train safety manual. You just have to roll it up nice and tight to properly read it...and then casually shove it down the maniac's throat. The other passengers are too relieved from the silence to question what happened. (go to 44)

20. Oh no! You've 'accidentally' tripped and opened the emergency window. Oh good golly! The teenage girls have 'accidentally' fallen through said window, and are now hanging on by their fingertips. Quickly, grab onto their hands to pull them in.

Oh bother! You simply can't hold on tightly enough...and they fly off into the distance while the train's going 90 miles per hour. What a shame. (go to 44)

21. "Sir, as the assistant-conductor, I must inform you that you can't have your giant, heavy case lying across two seats like that. Furthermore, you can't lie on top of said case either...by the way, you don't remember two teenage girls sitting here? No? Oh well, have a good day sir!" (go to 44)

22. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"One might assume that the two young women simply killed each other, as Hastings would believe...but Hercule Poroit does not! No, there simply is no motive! They were just two extremely stupid kids, as their movie selection makes crystal clear! More importantly, neither of the pair has nearly enough knowledge about rare Australian poisons to have dispatched each other so easily...but you, Mr. Freeman do."

Damn Belgian. THE END

23. Yes! You immediately begin to smother one of the girls...as the other one stares at you, horrified. You switch over to her, but the one you just freed starts screaming. The assistant conductor comes over and you...uh...switch to them? You smother the DVD player? Damn it, that didn't work at all. THE END

24. You already knew very well that you could garrote someone with a DVD charger, but you had no idea you could actually 'curb stomp' someone with the DVD player itself. It's true! Unfortunately, it's not very subtle, and everyone sees you do it, but damn! It works! THE END

25. Aw...aren't they cute like that, sitting side by side, as a brainless teenage actress screams about her hair in the movie they're watching? No, I don't think so either. Luckily, it makes dropping your belt over the seat and strangling the pair both at the same time very easy indeed. (go to 44)

26. You sing her a lullaby, to sooth her as she nudges away in slumber. 'Go to sleep, go to sleep...as I open the window...rest your eyes, say goodbye, as you fling through the air. Crack your skull on the pavement...I can probably stop singing... (go to 44)

27. OH MY GOD! Those fold out trays can sustain a lot of weight! Dear God, you smooshed her head like a grape! That went far beyond the limits of good taste. That was enough to take all the fun out of killing. One way or the other, you're not trying that again! I mean, EWWWWWWW...THE END

28. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"A suicide? No. No, if you look closely at the skin around the bullet hole, you can clearly see scorch marks, indicating that the hat she's wearing, with the words 'I'm committing suicide' on it was put on AFTER she was shot. Also, it is not physically possible to shoot yourself in the back of the head."

Damn Belgian. THE END

29. Wow that was...disappointingly easy. I mean, she was already asleep. That was hardly difficult at all. Feeling unfulfilled, you decide to smother the guy next to her as well. He was probably a jerk. (go to 44)

30. This is going to be great! First, you put whipped cream in her right hand. Wonderful! Then, you put her left hand in a bowl of warm water. Priceless! Then, to make things even funnier, you chop away with an axe! HILARIOUS! (go to 44)

31. Okay, we just need to look around for something to use to...DEAR GOD! That woman over on the other side of the train car is UNBELIEVABLY hot! Wow! She's tall, curvy, wearing a low cut dress and really tight pants! Good lord, just look at the way she moves...wait, what were we doing? Something about the woman nudging your seat...ah, you forget. You go get a snack from the dining car instead. THE END

32. You offer to buy her a drink if she directly faces the emergency window you just opened.

"Sure honey! So, where you going? Florida? I have a nephew in Florida who's..."

*SHOVE* (go to 44)

33. "Wow, you're a strong fella! You look really muscular when you lift that large case over your head, with your face transfixed into an expression of pure hatred. You remind me of a man I once knew in..."

*SLAM* (go to 44)

34. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Ah yes, as my dear friend Hastings assumes, the hydrochloric acid was indeed drunken willingly...but only after Mr. Freeman challenged her to a drinking contest, and handed her the acid!"

You then cheerfully inform him,

"Yes, but only after clearly explaining to her that it was hydrochloric acid, and that if she drunk it, she'd die."

"Really? And she drunk it anyway?"

"Yup."

"Well...then I guess nothing illegal has occurred at all."

"Groovy." (go to 44)

35. Damn it! Her face is so 'jowly' and smothered in makeup that you slide right off every time you try. It's like trying to wrestle a greased up pig, and you merely convince her that you're hitting on her. Bummer. THE END

36. You gladly return her drunken advances, and it isn't hard to convince her to follow you into the restroom for some 'S&M' play. Upon entering, you begin donning a spiked glove and let her know the safety word (to tell you to stop) is 'disestablishmentarianism'. (go to 44)

37. "So, do you have a girlfriend?"

Okay, what do we have lying around? Ah, we have a copy of the latest Harry Potter...and a copy of the latest Stephen King 'Gunslinger' novel. With about 2500 pages combined between the two, you swing both books towards her head, one in each hand. The resulting collision is reminiscent of a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

It's not exactly subtle, the authorities will get involved, and you owe a couple of people some new books, but you're pretty sure it was worth it. THE END

38. "Sir, you can't open the window, sir. Sir, you can't remove the protective panel and open the window up. Sir, you can't shove me in the direction of the open window. You're not allowed to push me, and you have to go back to your assigned seat. Sir, nobody gets your 12 oz mouse references, sir..."

*SHOVE* (go to 44)

39. Alright, you begin to pull down your baggage to use as a weapon...and the conductor helps you get it down. You try lifting it back over your head while facing them...and they help you put it back in the luggage rack. NO! You...ah forget it. THE END

40. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"No! This was not an accident! Poroit cannot accept that! Yes, as a train conductor, it's possible for them to have fallen out onto the tracks during a station stop...but it's not possible for them to have tied themselves up with a very large amount of rope first! There really wasn't even a reason to use such a comically large amount of rope, wrapping him up like a sleeping bag, but Mr. Freeman has a strong need for 'schtick', and that proved his undoing!"

Damn Belgian. THE END

41. Yes! You get them in the dining car, where they're literally wedged into their seat, like creme in a canoli! There's no possible way for them to dislodge themselves without at least three other conductors helping, so dispatching them is no trouble at all. (go to 44)

42. Unfortunately, nobody believes that the conductor used his ticket puncher to 'punch' himself to death. They don't even need Poroit to help them with this one. Darn it. THE END

43. You manage to subtly get the conductors attention.

"Excuse me, something seems to be wrong with my electrical socket."

"No problem! Let me just see what's wrong...well, it appears you've got several pieces of silverware wedged in there."

"Oh no, they're just plastic."

"Well, then there's no harm with me pulling it right out for..."

*BUZZZZZZZZZZ*

"My, you really were the...conductor! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!" (go to 44)

44. Nice work! You got away with it perfectly! Now all you have to do is move on to someone else!

The college kid who won't stop complaining into his cell phone? (go to 2)

The old, smelly criminally insane guy with all the electronic gadgets? (go to 3)

The teenage girls watching DVDs without headphones? (go to 4)

The sleeping woman who keeps nudging the back of your seat? (go to 5)

The drunk, elderly woman who keeps hitting on you? (go to 6)

The conductor, who won't let you switch seats? (go to 7)

Everyone's dead! (go to 45)

45. Hooray! Now you can enjoy the rest of your train ride in peace! Oh sure, some might say that offing your fellow passengers, or even pretending to off them in your imagination is wrong, but to them I say:

"Stop nudging my seat or I'll hurl you out the window."

Ah, violence. Is there any problem it can't solve?

Over the PA system one of the surviving conductors announces,

"Next stop, North Carolina...and we'll be picking up a special celebrity for the trip...Alan Rickman!"

*Sigh*

You ready your trusty toenail clipper, and prepare for round 2.

THE END!

2008-10-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

MANIFESTO?

Well, I'm getting ready for an extended trip all the way to...what?

Oh right! I almost forgot.

Beauty and the Geeks

Well, I'm afraid I don't have the all important 'true resolution' to Mary and the Geeks yet, as she hasn't been around the last week or so, but I can give her immediate reactions to the geeks, and inform you of the 'winner'...

TENSION!

POINDEXTER!

That's right! It's geek #3! Despite not being the most attractive of the competitors, he actually treated her like a person instead of an alien species, and charmed his way into her heart!

Who knows if it will last, but merely getting this far makes him a Herculean hero by geek standards. My friend...I salute you.

As for the rest, here's her reaction to their intentions, and then their reactions to her choice:

GEEK 1 (Mr. Creepy): He came on strong and professed his undying love to a woman he hardly knew.

Her reaction:

She runs off and gets a ride home from someone else.

His reaction:

Doesn't come back for a week and a half. Tries to pretend it never happened.

GEEK 2 (The Flake): Just took it for granted that she'd choose him.

Her reaction:

Blew him off, and went for someone who actually paid attention to her.

His reaction:

Jaw struck the floor with a resounding force, but soon collected himself and moved on. It isn't like he can't get another girl.

GEEK 4 (The Robot): Stayed supportive and friendly.

Her reaction:

Appreciated it, but immediately sorted him into the 'just friends' category so fast his head spun.

His reaction:

His head spun.

GEEK 5 (Jerry Springer Guest): Casually hit on her, as he does with all women.

Her reaction:

More or less ignored it.

His reaction:

Shrugged and moved on.

GEEK 6 (That guy): Hid in corner.

Her reaction:

"Who? I don't think I've ever met that person."

His reaction:

Waits until she's gone and then goes back to playing games.

So what have we learned? Hell if I know. Obviously, being creepy is always a bad idea, and you actually have to talk to her at some poing. All those that believe 'looks' are all that matter may be surprised by the failure of the more attractive guys. Apparently, women also want to be paid attention to.

The most interesting thing to study from this is why Poindexter succeeded and the Robot failed. Of all the competitors, they're probably the most similar. The only real differences I can see is that 'Poindexter' was wackier and paid more direct attention to her, and that seems to be enough to make the difference. The only reason it might seem odd is because Poindexter was also a bid weirder and creepier.

So, the lesson for all geeks out there is as follows: PAY ATTENTION TO WOMEN!

Get interested in what they have to say. Never ignore them. Be prepared to drop everything at a moment's notice, should they suddenly be in need of attention or company.

Call it desperate or sad if you wish, but face it, it works.

I'll give updates as they come. Anyway, where was I...

MANIFESTO?

Next week I'm going to be going on a long trip to...FLORIDA! Yowza!

Anyway, it's for a friend's wedding, and I'm doing something I've always wanted to do. I'm taking a long train ride right down the entire East Coast. I absolutely love long train rides, and this one should be a lot of fun.

Of course, that gives me a lot of time on the train, enough time to write my MAGNUM OPUS!

No, I'm not shooting penguins! I'm getting ready to write my 'manifesto'.

A collection of my thoughts and political ideologies!

Something to document 'my struggle'!

Racism!

Nah, just kidding. Seriously though, I have no idea what to write. My political views are summed up as: 'Do what makes sense given the situation'. How am I going to stretch that into 500 pages?

I know! I'll stay up real late and come up with good ideas!

*THE FOLLOWING DAY*

Okay...I drank a lot of coffee and stayed up late writing, but I'm having trouble remembering what I was thinking while writing any of this, and I'm not sure if any of it makes sense.

Idea #1: How to End a Conversation

My first idea for a manifesto is a complete and thorough guide to what you should say right before leaving the room. I remember Amber saying...

"Since you're going to a wedding, that'd probably be useful to have. You'll probably be entering and leaving rooms a lot."

Yeah! In video games and movies people always say something along the lines of 'I'm pregnant' or 'he's my father' right before leaving the room, and I remember always thinking: what a horrible way to end a conversation! That's not the ending of a conversation, it's the beginning!

You wouldn't end a conversation by saying: "We should talk about our plans for next weekend." You wouldn't walk right out of the room with that, would you?

Here are a few things you can say to end conversations:

"I'm hungry."

"Excuse me, I have to go use the restroom."

"We'll talk about this later."

"Alright, let's go."

"I hate you and everything you stand for. Rot in hell, you stuck up bitch."

See? All perfect ways to end conversations!

Worthy of a 500 page manifesto? Uh...yes?

No, probably not.

The rest of the notes are even stranger:

Idea #2: Adorably Deformed

I remember looking at Amber's adorable yet horribly proportioned Spore creature and going:

MAX: "Awww...he's so adorably deformed!"

AMBER: "WHAT?"

MAX: "You know, like those cats and dogs online. Here, I'll look up a picture."

AMBER: "No, that's okay."

Idea #3: Solve the Meaning of Existence Without Math

Uh...I really wish I knew math. All I have are the words 'wave', 'particle', seven question marks, and four dollar signs.

Damn my BA in Business! Damn it straight to hell!

Idea #4: Acronyms?

The next one is just about twenty seven acronyms...at least I think they are. Apparently, I should:

Uydottgwgk

and afterwards I should

Wboembl

unfortunately, this should lead to

Msabslwhrosybgosfaybsp

but at least I'll be able to look myself in the mirror every morning and say I

Dtsatuedst

and they can't take that away from me.

Idea #5: Make a 'Silent Hill' choose your own adventure book.

Uh...actually, I don't see anything wrong with that idea. Kids love graphic decapitations!

Wait, let me take a look at idea #6 before deciding.

Idea #6: Write a book...THAT YOU CAN EAT!

Yeah, I think the R-rated children's book wins. Damn, what the hell was I even thinking last night? It's not even like I can blame it on booze...

Any other ideas for my epic manifesto?

Let me know! See you all later!

2008-09-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

Oops!

Here I am! Sorry, I got wrapped with work. Nevertheless, I've returned to...damn it, I don't want to do anything political!

The problem is, nothing else is happening. News, media, culture and even the people around me won't talk about anything else...well, at least that and sex. There's always sex.

Oh don't worry, we're not getting into details. We try to keep the blog PG-13 around here (or at worst, a Kevin Smith R/NC-17, where there's no sex or violence, but fat guys hang out at the mall and talk about oral sex).

What we are getting into, is what happens when geeks are exposed directly to a young, attractive woman who doesn't think they're disgusting.

The effects are nothing short of disastrously hilarious.

Let's take this young attractive girl. She's a blond in her early 20's, wears boots, jeans and loose t-shirts, and she's definitely pretty, but not so pretty that she isn't accessible. She has a good sense of humor, but little to no impulse control, causing her to act without thinking very hard. To protect her identity we'll call her 'Mary', an anagram of her real name...

Okay, her name IS Mary. It's not like she reads this blog or anything.

Now imagine a small horde of young male geeks. Yes...imagine them now. No, don't back away, I compel you to imagine the ocean of acne, glasses and pop culture references! Does that one have a 'theme to Star Trek' ring tone on his cell? You bet he does!

Now introduce Mary into the scenario.

Ever see a car crash in slow motion?

Alright, things start off slowly, with Mary being friendly with the geeks, and doing something which hasn't happened to most of them in years: she physically touches them.

Yes, even I was not completely immune, as she casually stepped over and slipped an arm around me. It wasn't a come-on, she's just a 'huggy' kind of girl in general.

Regardless of my geeky nature, I kept things platonic and friendly. Why? Because I knew what was going to happen next. Specifically, geeky intrigue that borders on Shakespearean. Allow me to introduce geeks 1 through 6.

GEEK 1 (Mr. Creepy): Mr. Creepy is married with a kid, but he still spends most of his free time at the game store. Despite being married, and acting normal when around the guys, he gives off a creepy 'stalker' vibe when in the presence of attractive women. Mary often asks him to give her a ride to the store, and ironically, most of the movies he watches begins with a similar scenario. (Cue the bow-chicka-wow-wow)

GEEK 2 (The Flake): The Flake is easily the most physically attractive of the guy gamers, but he's often wrapped up in his own world, and misses out on most of the conversation. He nods politely at whatever you say, and has no actual personality of his own. He's already taken that Mary and him will get together as an inevitability.

GEEK 3 (Poindexter): Poindexter is nice, but bewilderingly over analytical. He's chubby, wears glasses, and more or less what people imagine when they imagine 'a geek', but he's too cheerful and friendly to come off as creepy. He's impossible to anger, but often causes confusion by doing things such as wearing surgical masks when he's sick. Is he bizarre or just trying to be funny? A little from column A, a little from column B...

GEEK 4 (The Robot): The Robot is basically just an older, mellower version of 'Poindexter'. He has a real job, and doesn't freak out in Mary's presence, which is more than can be said for most of the geeks. Then again, nothing seems to freak him out. Could a meteor swarm get him running? We're not sure. He quickly becomes overly concerned with Mary's problems, in a 'big brother' sort of way. It's initially uncertain if he's just being nice, or if he's trying a more passive, gentler approach to getting in her pants. Not since Ben Stein have we seen more passion from a human being.

GEEK 5 (The Jerry Springer Guest, or JSG for short): JSG has absolutely no impulse control, so he gets along with Mary fairly well. Besides the Flake, he's probably the next most attractive of the guys, but keeps saying racist things without reason or provocation, which makes him a little unsettling. He has a pregnant girlfriend, but no immediate plan to marry, a history of infidelity, and was voted 'most likely to die before age 35' by the group...well okay, just by me. But everyone's thinking it.

GEEK 6 (That Guy): 'That guy' is terrified of women, and avoids all eye contact with Mary, but nevertheless gravitates towards her. He speaks at a mile per minute, rarely looks up from the games he's playing, and openly shares the fact he's heavily medicated.

Let's set up the situation. Mary's having relationship problems with her boyfriend...

'Mr. Creepy': Convinces her to talk to him in his car, where he madly professes his love for her, despite the fact he barely knows her.

'The Flake': All but outright tells her that she should leave her boyfriend and date him. He sees nothing wrong with this strategy.

'Poindexter': Remains nice and friendly, but makes an awkward attempt to romance her, in-between turns of Warhammer 40k.

'The Robot': Consoles her and like Geek 2, tries to convince her to break up with her jerk boyfriend. To his friends he'd claim he was 'playing it slow', but glaciers move faster than this man's romantic strategy.

'JSG': Casually hits on her, as he does for virtually every female within a quarter mile radius.

'That Guy': Hides in the corner, avoids eye contact.

Tensions rise. Geeks begin staring daggers at each other. What will happen? Do any of these geeks stand a chance? Will they come to blows over this?

Of course not! They're geeks! They'll just get pissy. Still, despite what you might think, Mary actually goes out with one of these 6 guys in response to their 'advances' (or in the case of That Guy, his 'retreat') and believe it or not, willingly kisses them on the lips.

Which one was it? Will geeks tear each other apart over the fair Mary...okay that's a stretch, but will they throw 12 sided dice at each other?

TO BE CONTINUED...

2008-08-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

I don't have too much time today, so just a short one:

WATER WORLD AND MORTAL KOMBAT 2 GET A REPRIEVE

Stop the execution! There's been a call from the governor!

Specifically, from Governor Schwarzenegger (believe it or not, my initial spelling was only one letter off). The call is from all the way back in 1998...with the movie 'Batman and Robin'.

This is the worst action movie ever made. Pound for pound (taking the budget into consideration) it's THE worst movie ever made. I'm not even sure who they targeted this movie towards. As rifftrax suggested: 'sex crazed seven year olds?'

It starts with molded plastic asses, and moves on to a ridiculous fight in a museum between ice skaters and our heroes, with Arnold delivering mind-shatteringly bad pun after pun. You think he's finished, but oh no, there's about 5 billion ice/snow/cold related puns to get through before he's done.

Let's compare the new Batman movie, 'The Dark Knight' against 'Batman and Robin'.

DARK KNIGHT BATMAN

Christian Bale is subtle, talented, and makes Batman human. One downside: when he talks as Batman, he sounds like Assey McGee.

BATMAN & ROBIN BATMAN

George Clooney, bobbing his head up and down, delivering every line with blank, smug superiority. When he talks like Batman, he sounds exactly like Bruce Wayne, which makes you wonder why his fiends haven't made the connection yet. By comparison, Adam West's performance in the 60's seems 'nuanced'.

DK VILLAIN

Joker: "You ever notice that nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrible? If I say that tomorrow a gang banger is going to be shot...or that a truck load of soldiers is going to be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all going according to plan. But if I say that one little mayor is going to die...EVERYONE GOES HYSTERICAL!"

Ask nicely, and he might even show you a neat magic trick.

B&R VILLAIN

MR. Freeze: "Let's kick some ice!"

Poison ivy: "I am mother nature!"

Bane: "BANE!"

Yeah, that's about it.

DK EVIL SCHEME

Infiltrate the mob, and use its resources to drive the city into pure, absolute chaos. Then, drive the city's greatest hero insane, turning him into a wretched abomination, to reflect Gotham's true twisted heart. Then burn it all, while laughing.

B&R EVIL SCEME

Steal giant diamonds to power your giant freeze ray, and then use it to freeze Gotham. Threaten to freeze other cities with your giant immovable ice gun that can't reach any other city besides Gotham...uh...and step 3 is profit.

DK SIDEKICK

Commissioner Gordan, played by Gary Oldman, a brilliant character actor. Gordan's cool, effective, and above all completely believable.

B&R SIDEKICK

Robin, played by Chris O'Donnel, whose whining and angsting reach Anakin level proportions. Want to know what's really sad? He more or less carries the movie. His performance is simply the least horrible.

DK LOVE INTEREST

Rachael unfortunately pulled a 'Trinity', and apparently aged 14 years between the first and second movie. Still, she's very believable, and it's easy to see why men fall in love with her. It isn't about glamor or a huge amount of cleavage, she's just a wonderful and strong person, who honestly cares about people.

B&R LOVE INTEREST

If you discount the 2 scenes with Bruce's girlfriend's cleavage (I forget the name, but I remember the cleavage, which I'm pretty sure was the point), that leaves Bat girl and Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thermon...

If I ever meet Quentin Tarantino, I'm going to ask him how he gets such great performances out of Uma. If you separate Uma's good performances from her absolutely horrible ones, you'll find all the good ones in Tanantino movies (Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill) and all the other ones worthy of the bottom shelf of the bargain bin.

Uma's absolutely horrible in this, with every scene more hammed up and ridiculous than the last. I will say that the costumes/director did make her look really good...but then she starts talking. Yikes.

Batgirl's played by Alicia Silverstone and her wandering lower lip. Seriously, if you met her in real life, you'd swear she was having a stroke. I was going to comment on her very nice rear end, but then Amber had to be a kill joy and remind me it was molded plastic. Dang it.

DK CAR CHASE

BOOM! BLAMMO! Big rigs overturning! Rocket launchers! Crashes! Explosions! Bat cycle! AWESOME!!!

B&R CAR CHASE

They're getting away! Quick, let's use the Batmobile (TM) and the Batcycle (TM)! Oh no, there's ice everywhere, and Mr. Freeze is driving his Ice Tank (TM)! What will we do?

I know! I'll drive the Batmobile with snowy weather modifications (TM) while you drive the Bad Hovercraft (TM, and I'm not kidding). I sure hope Batgirl shows up on her own special Batcycle (TA...I mean, TM).

DK BIG FINISH

Batman saves lives, fights the police, and has two great final encounters, one with Joker and one with 2 face.

B&R BIG FINISH

About 10 minutes in, Batman and Robin surf the metal doors of a space shuttle down towards Mr. Freeze as he's flying over the city, and you walk out of the theater.

DK FINAL RESULTS

The greatest superhero movie ever made, and the second highest grossing film of all time.

B&R FINAL RESULTS

Kills the franchise and about three careers.

Why is this movie so bad? Why didn't they pull the plug and fire everyone involved, one week into shooting? Because they assumed their target audience were idiots. They thought they could sell ridiculous tripe and make a fortune. This was the result.

Dark Knight, by comparison, is a brilliant and subtle movie, with the added bonus that if you don't want to think too much, you don't have to. You can follow the movie and have a great time even if you don't concentrate too much on the characters or underlying message. You can have it anyway you like it.

I'm going to have to disagree with nostalgic people. The past sucks.

Onward to the future! ^_^

2008-08-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

THE LAST 'FAVORITE' MOVIE RANT, I SWEAR

Well, at least for a while. ^_^

We're down to the final category: Circus Peanuts!

Ever have a circus peanut? If not, imagine a super dense marsh-mellow, so thick it's almost the consistency of meat.

Now, make it banana flavored.

Now shape it like a peanut. Why a peanut? No one knows.

Now imagine yourself eating this 'candy', and I use the term candy very loosely here. It's bizarre, strange, and you might even feel a little sick.

Then you eat more. Whenever it's offered, you take it. Several companies actually COMPETE to be the one that provides this 'candy' to consumers.

You'll eat it, simultaneously hate and love it, and you'll always be ready for more, but for the life of me, I can't explain why.

That's the embodiment of this category, which can also be described by this rant:

"Oh my god! What the hell was that? I can't believe I actually sat through that movie...I give it an A-."

Going by genre, it's the movie you're glad you saw, would encourage others to see, but always watch with equal parts pain and joy. I'm not talking about movies 'so bad they're funny'. I'm talking about movies that almost make it on BOTH the 'best' and 'worst' list. Perhaps they're great movies with severe problems. Perhaps they're bad or mediocre movies that are so unique and revolutionary that watching them is almost life changing.

They're just circus peanuts.

ACTION/ADVENTURE CIRCUS PEANUT: PLATOON

You'll never find a more realistic, powerful and depressing Vietnam movie than Platoon. It makes 'Full Metal Jacket' look like Police Academy. Charlie Sheen actually plays it straight as the protagonist, a low level soldier in Vietnam dealing with combat, murder, fragging, suicide bombers, rape, the destruction of entire defenseless villages, stupid/homicidal teammates, and everything else that never seems to make it into mainstream war movies.

You'll never find a war movie that presents war as ugly as it truly is. The closest you probably can come is the first and last 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Imagine if the middle hour and a half of Saving Private Ryan was as dark as the beginning and end. You'd have Platoon.

SCI-FI CIRCUS PEANUT: VIDEO DROME

What the hell is with this movie? I can't shake the feeling that the writer and director like home appliances a little TOO much.

I don't even know where to begin. A TV show where people are tortured in S&M fashion. A man trying to investigate that show. A romantic encounter with a television set. I wish I was kidding!

VCR slots in humans! Assassinations! Dismemberment! Suicide! Down with Video Drome! ALL HAIL THE NEW FLESH!

This movie should come with free therapy. Regardless, the last twenty minutes is unbelievable. Seriously, you won't believe they put that in a movie. I'm still not sure if that's good or bad.

SUSPENSE CIRCUS PEANUT: LOST HIGHWAY

I actually walked out of this movie in the theaters, and loudly heckled it while I was there. You wouldn't believe how slow the movie is to start. Here's my favorite scene:

COP: "Let's see the bedroom."

HERO: "Alright it's this way."

(They slowly walk into the bedroom)

COP: "So this is the bedroom."

ME IN AUDIENCE: "NO!!!"

David Lynch, of Twin Peaks fame, does not understand the concept of pacing. It's a shame I left, because I watched it again and found out that the second after I left is where the movie picks up. The pale creepy guy character is great, people transform into other people, and although it's odd and surreal, I can't say it isn't consistent. The last fight is great, although I'm not sure if it's supposed to be as funny as I thought it was. I mean, I laughed. Should I have? Who can say?

SPORTS CIRCUS PEANUT: PRE

This is a more low key sports movie, focused far more on character development than success or 'giving it all you got'. The fact it's about running, and not about teams helps this. Sure, running isn't very exciting...rather boring really, but I liked it. If only the ending wasn't so depressing.

There's no way of not picking up the box and knowing what happens, so needless to say, the movie gets to the point where our hero has overcome his failure, risen himself back into the highest heights, and just as he's ready to get back into the Olympics, he dies in a random car crash.

It's sad, thoughtful, and surprisingly existential. It's about your personal best. Of course, his journey ends with his own random death...so it might fall a little short of 'inspirational'.

This movie also proves my theory wrong about there being only two sports movies: the one where they win and the one where they lose. There's also the one where they die before the big competition. It's a powerful movie, but horribly anti-climactic.

HORROR CIRCUS PEANUT: WILD ZERO

I have to admit, this movie is definitely TRYING to be the strangest horror movie ever made, and it indeed succeeds. It starts with a standard Japanese zombie movie plot, with the guy, girl, evil criminals, secret government agents and such, but then Guitar Wolf shows up.

Guitar Wolf is the self proclaimed 'loudest rock band in the world', and dress like greasers. They immediately show up, casually grab guns, and start effortlessly killing their way through the zombie hordes, not only with guns, but with glowing thrown guitar picks and the power of rock and roll. There's even a scene where the main singer fights a giant flying saucer with a katana...and cuts it in half.

Zombies, explosions and rock and roll. If Elvis were alive, this would've been one of his favorite movies...had there not been the romantic sub plot.

The main girl turns out to be a guy. Really. They're not kidding, the character is played by a guy, the main hero understandably freaks out, but in the end realized he loves him/her/it, so a little thing like gender shouldn't matter, even though he's straight. The movie ends with them kissing, for real, right on camera, and then driving off into the sunset.

What the fuck is with this movie?

COWBOY/SAMURAI CIRCUS PEANUT: RAN

Another great movie hampered by it's own mind blowing level of depression. Being based on King Lear, a Shakespeare play, this is probably to be expected, but the movie includes more tragedy and depression than Shakespeare ever dared to achieve.

It's still a Kurisawa movie (7 Samurai, Yojimbo), so everything is top notch, but you'll be horribly depressed, and the 'funny' and 'inspirational' moments will just leave you confused. What's with the random shot of Buddha at the end? Once again, who can say?

ROMANCE CIRCUS PEANUT: THE PROFESSIONAL

Yes, this movie already received and honorable mention in one of the 'best' categories, but it also deserves an honorable mention as one of the most dysfunctional romance movies ever made. It isn't even intended to be romantic, and that's the heart of it.

The movie revolves around an assassin with a mild mental disability (they never go completely into it) who adopts a preteen girl after her drug dealing family is killed by a crooked cop, including her innocent little brother. She wants revenge and the assassin is helping her learn how to be an assassin, because it's the only thing he knows how to teach.

It's a touching, father-daughter relationship, right? Well, he certainly thinks so, but she falls madly in love with him. The movie includes him giving one of the world's greatest spit takes, after she tells him how she feels. He obviously never intended it, but he does love her as the daughter/sister he never had, and that's what's so disturbing about the movie. It revolves around two people, both deeply in love with each other, but each with a COMPLETELY different view of their relationship. She even goes as far to claim to a stranger that he's her lover, getting them kicked out of a hotel.

The movie ends with tragedy, of course, but before getting her to safety, they kiss (it's European so he did it in a 'family' way), but you can tell she meant it romantically. To make it worse, the actress playing her makes it believable enough...that you wonder if their own true feelings are a mirror of their character's. The older man as the fatherly protector, and the young girl as the romantic lover.

It's disturbingly sad, but it isn't too bad, considering nothing sexual ever happens. In fact, by the end, both characters truly prove their love for each other, showing that although their relationship is dysfunctional, it's no less powerful than the love shared by characters in any other romantic movie. What's that tell us about love? What does that mean for you and me?

It's a great movie about love, but you'll have to live with how screwed up our emotions can be.

COMEDY CIRCUS PEANUT: S.O.B.

Richard Mulligan plays a great sleazy down and out director, trying to make a kid's movie, with his ex-wife as the star. It never works, until he decides to turn it into a soft core porno at the last minute, just by throwing in a half hour of footage, including a topless scene of his wife, who is famous only for family movies.

The clincher: the actress playing his ex-wife is Julie Andrews. Yes, the Julie Andrews from Mary Poppins and Sound of Music, and yes, she has a topless scene in this movie...

AND IT IS AWESOME. The pictures don't really do the scene (or her) justice. I'd check out a video of this one.

Unfortunately, they decided to throw a little too much seriousness and tragedy into this movie, making you wonder what they were really trying to do. This movie seems like a compromise, with a few aspects thrown in that don't make sense. In fact, it's a perfect mirror of the movie they're making in the movie. It's a movie about itself.

It's a great concept, but it's too downbeat to really work well. It really seems like they were trying to please too many people...but dude, Julie Andrews is topless. How can you pass that up?

FANTASY CIRCUS PEANUT: WIZARDS

A movie can't only be about its ending. The ending is legendary, but the movie leading up to it is confusing, and keeps vaulting you back and forth between dark and 'kiddie'. Standard kids cartoon characters are shot dead by machine gun fire. Preachy 'hippie' values are mixed in with martyrdom, with a wacky wizard thrown in the mix.

It's a great movie, but the values are really confusing, and by the end I'm not even sure what their point is supposed to be. I think I need to be stoned to really appreciate this one.

DRAMA CIRCUS PEANUT: I AM THE CHEESE

It's almost a 'difficult to define' movie, but it's mainly just a really weird drama. What really makes it stand out, besides the honestly surprising ending, and convoluted plot twists, is how perfectly the movie portrays teenage alienation. Is the main character alone by choice, or is he trapped? The movie could mean many things, but the main theme revolves around cycles. The main character is stuck in a cycle he can't break, because facing the truth and growing up is too hard...so he keeps going around in circles, trapped in his own mind.

Unfortunately, this is all hampered by a silly plot twists that belong in a pre-teen spy movie, not a thoughtful drama. Still, the ending is nice, but I wish they kept the movie realistic.

FAMILY CIRCUS PEANUT: PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH

This movie is loooooooong and sloooooooooooooooow. Yes, there's parts you like. There are parts we all love, and some great characters...along with never ending, pointless scenes and songs you keep praying will end. Remember the spelling bee? Me neither.

Just watch how long this dang movie takes to even get started! A whiny pre-teen phone conversation, another eternity to open the box, and how many times does he go back and forth, to check out the difference between his normal and cartoon self?

WAY TOO DAMN MANY!

One of the great ironies of this movie is the most entertaining parts are the villains, and 'wrong thinking people'. By comparison, the 'good' people, who follow rhyme and reason, are all incredibly boring. That's the punchline, during the big transformation sequence at the end, we watch everything interesting about the cartoon world disappear, replaced by pointless and featureless 'good guys'. When the characters lost their flaws, they lost everything that really defined them. Hell, the night sky wasn't worth watching until the kid started to mess with it.

Following rhyme and reason just makes you boring. The best part of being a kid is being a kid. There's a simple rule for watching this movie: every time one of the 'good' characters starts talking with each other, go do something else. When a 'bad' person shows up, start watching again.

Space Balls was wrong, good is not dumb. Phantom Tollbooth proves it's just dull.

HARD TO DEFINE CIRCUS PEANUT: OLD BOY

What is it with Asian movies? This movie makes Wild Zero look normal. In one scene, the actor bites into a live octopus...FOR REAL! The actor actually began munching on a live small octopus with his hands and teeth!

The movie doesn't get any more normal after that. A man is kept prisoner for something like 15 years, constantly drugged, fed only fried dumplings, and urged to keep punching the wall.

His journey to discover 'why' is painful to watch, but filled with action and a dysfunctional romance that would have been more disturbing if it were more believable. The rest of the movie is disturbingly realistic, including a fight scene between the main character and dozen people, that plays out rather well, in realistic fashion, rather than action movie fashion.

The ending involves more dismemberment, incest and murder/suicide than I like to see in movies, and my friend Brian put it best after we all watched it 'I really didn't want to see that...but I'm glad I saw it'. Old Boy represents the Circus Peanut genre better than any other movie ever could.

You'll feel worse after seeing it, but you'll be glad you saw it.

Well, that's about it, so we finally have time to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush.

What?

She is HOT!

Go check her out in the Shining again. Check out her corset in Mother Goose's Rockin Rhyme. Check out her see through t-shirt in Annie Hall. Don't watch Popeye (it's not worth it).

Look at this picture: HOT

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go propose.

2008-08-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

BONUS DISK: SPECIAL FEATURES & DELETED SCENES

It's true enough. I forgot to include three movies in my previous lists. Two are 'almost made it' movies, and the third deserves a spot as a movie that 'almost made the worst list'.

The first movie I forgot to mention was Double Indemnity. It's a standard affair/murder plot back from the days of film noir, with great acting and suspenseful twists. As an added twist, the main character, that delves into both crime and murder is...Fred MacMurray? You might remember him as the father on the old show 'My Three Sons'. He's obviously playing against type here, and he does it spookily well. Joining him as his good natured boss is...Edward G. Robinson?! You probably remember him as the big lipped gangster that from the old crime movies. He's the gangster they make fun of in all the Bugs Bunny cartoons (Yah see...yah). Seeing them essentially 'switch roles' is amazing, and very entertaining.

The third is 'A Shock to the System', starring Michael Caine. It's a suspenseful, 'root for the bad guy' type of movie that wouldn't have been nearly as good if Michael Caine wasn't the star. He steals the show, keeps it, and then puts it on his mantle. He earned it.

The movie that almost won a dishonorable mention is 'Battlefield Earth'. It didn't quite get worst because it's so laughably bad that it's mildly entertaining. The writing is some of the dumbest I've ever seen in sci-fi, and putting it all on the big screen doesn't make any of it any less idiotic. John Travolta steals the show...which is kind of like a three legged dog beating a one legged dog in a race. Still, he's funny. I'm pretty sure he wasn't really supposed to be though, and that's what's sad.

MISCELLANEOUS MOVIES

After the first post on my favorite/least favorite movies, I realized that there's quite a few movies out there that I love, but aren't really easy to define. Comedies? Dramas? Romances? Quite a few musicals find their way here as well, because what kind of drama has the actors sing and dance halfway through? Anyway, here's the best and worst of the mutts.

Honorable Mention: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

This movie deserves a bonus as being the most faithful book to movie adaptation in history. Of course, this wasn't really a book that was ever meant to become a movie.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas follows the memoirs (and I have no doubt that this is all true, it's Hunter S. Thompson after all) of a drugged up, insane journalist and his side-kick/lawyer, Dr. Gonzo, who's even crazier than he is. Johnny Depp plays the role perfectly, and Terry Gilliam's direction is amazingly psychotic, just what the movie really needed.

What really fuels the movie is the friendship between Hunter and Dr. Gonzo, because while Hunter is more or less the same level of 'crazy' at all times, Dr. Gonzo goes from perfectly normal (when not on drugs) to dangerously psychotic. Not only does Dr. Gonzo play with guns, threaten people with knives, try to electrocute himself for no apparent reason, and bring home ridiculously underage girlfriends, but Hunter has to be the one that cleans things up...which has questionable results, obviously.

My favorite line, which sums it all up, comes near the end:

"Our only hope was that our crimes were so ridiculous, so unbelievable, that no one with the power to bring the hammer down upon us would every believe it happened."

At no point do they actually hurt anyone...but they manage to break virtually every other law on the books during the course of the movie, all in hilariously disastrous fashion.

BEST ??? MOVIE: Boondock Saints

Suspense? Comedy? Crime drama? Cop/detective movie? Action/buddy movie? Whatever it is, Boondock Saints is just as hilarious as it is action packed, and it keeps switching between two, almost completely different movies. You have the action/comedy hero vigilante movie, and then you'll switch to the police end of things, only instead of police officers trying to close in on the bad guys, they're closing in on the good guys! It's a fantastic film with strong performances from everyone involved, especially Wilum Dafoe, as the highly amusing macho, gay super-cop. I also recommend watching the deleted and extended scenes. They're all very funny, especially the scene with their mother.

The only bad thing I can say about this movie is that it skims the line separating it from a 'psychopathic snob' movie. In one scene, they kill two guys just because they're at the same place the other bad guys are (basically a sex show) and look like bad guys. I hate to break it to them, but they had more convincing evidence at the Salem Witch trials. Sure, a live sex show isn't exactly a classy place, and they were probably fairly scummy, but they could have easily killed perfectly innocent 'creepy guys'. Still, it's only one scene, and it's easy to ignore it.

As an added note, I'd like to take a moment to mention that the 'psychopathic snob' genre does not include movies like American Psycho or Silence of the Lambs. I'm not saying that all movies that have a likable villain fall into this category. What makes the movies 'psycho snobs' movies is how they're portrayed. Is their actions shown as 'good'. Does the director believe these actions are good, and should be emulated? Obviously no one expects you to act like Hannibal Lecter, Jason, Freddy or the Joker. They're bad people doing bad things. It's alright for them to be entertaining, as long as it's made very clear that the actions are not good ones.

Almost Made the List:

There's a lot of them. In fact, there's so many, the last genre will have to wait for next week.

MASH (Not much like the TV series based on it, but its gritty realism and brilliantly dark comedy makes it a great movie. All the characters are believable, and they don't tell jokes as much as they just act really silly, which comes across really well. As an added bonus, 'Radar' in the movie is played by the same actor that plays him in the show.)

Dr. Strangelove (This came really close to beating Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but just like Michael Caine, it's a very good movie that's only made legendary because of an actor, specifically, Peter Sellers. Peter plays three different parts in the movie, and they'll all leave you rolling in the aisles, especially the ex-Nazi scientist, who keeps accidentally lapsing into his old ways. A must see, but just a tad too slow to win the day.)

Shaun of the Dead (A great movie, although the balance between comedy and horror dips a little too close to horror sometimes, but it's still a brilliant and thoroughly enjoyable movie. As a side note, I'm not a fan of the 'one bite and you're a zombie' movies. It takes some of the suspense out of it. If they're bitten, you know they're dead. There's no longer any question about it.)

Project A-KO (What a delightfully bizarre anime, which like many great movies, keeps escalating as the movie progresses. It starts with teenage girls, madcap comedy and typical anime property damage, but things surprisingly escalate, with giant robots, an alien invasion, and three young girls who are way too wrapped up in their own petty fights to realize most of it is happening. Watch for the clue to A-KO's origin near the end, in the scene with her parents. The sequels weren't quite as good, but they rarely are.)

An American Werewolf in London (The balance between comedy and horror is done a bit better here, with a dash of romance thrown in. I really liked it.)

Donnie Darko (You've probably heard me rant, but this film is great. You have to watch the director's cut to really understand everything though, especially the fact that since Donnie has read the book, he already knows what's going to happen at the end. A wonderfully subtle movie.)

Sleepy Hollow (Dark and bloody, silly and scary. Like Shaun, it's a little too dark to really capture our hearts, but it doesn't detract anything from the movie itself, which is great. It takes a lot of courage to make a movie much darker than the viewers would like it to be. You always feel a little uncomfortable, and that's what makes the movie work.)

Being John Malkovich (Some movies go out of their way to be really strange, and either it works or it doesn't. In this case, it definitely works. John Malkovich plays himself, and finds out he's the center of a small universe. At no point is he glorified, as his only obvious merit is the fact he's famous. That's the point of the movie. Everyone's obsessed with him, simply because he's famous. If he wasn't famous, no one would have cared. It's a movie about our obsession with celebrities, and how far we're willing to go to become one ourselves...if only for fifteen minutes at a time.)

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (Very entertaining, and wonderfully confusing. It doesn't seem fair that 'Time Bandits' gets so much more attention than this movie. I think the problem was Time Bandits was an unexpected hit, which made everyone expect a lot from Baron Munchausen, and although I loved it, the general public didn't. Watch for cameos galore, and unforgettable fun. Of course, none of it will make much sense, or clearly fit any genre, but you'll have a good time.)

Secret of Nimh (The family/kids movie that isn't for kids, and Tim Burton had nothing to do with it. Dark, shocking and powerful, even today.)

Rocky Horror Picture Show (Perhaps the hardest to define of all. Filled with great songs, a ridiculous plot, and fantastic characters. In a sense, it's the most perfect 'Frankenstein'-like movie ever made. The movie itself is the monster. ^_^ Be sure to watch the special features, to hear all the great trashy details about its creation.)

The People Versus Larry Flynt (A painfully honest memoir, with all the highs and lows you can imagine. Woody Harrelson plays Larry Flynt, the lovable creep, to perfection. Yes, he's a sick, twisted old pervert, and yes, he has every legal right to be one. You can't help but cheer him on.)

Do the Right Thing (Spike Lee's first big movie, and definitely his best. Racial tension in a predominantly black neighborhood. It's not only about conflicting people or conflicting cultures, but conflicting mindsets. The characters from different races/backgrounds literally do not think the same way, and that's the true cause of the tension. It all comes out wonderfully, and in the end, no one is really the 'bad guy'. Shit just happens. The only question is if we choose to repeat it.)

Crybaby (Roger Water's best movie, which is kind of like saying...ah, I played that joke out. Listen, Roger Waters has made some weird movies, most of which include a 350 pound transvestite, usually as the femme fatale. His movies are strange and ugly, and this musical satire is a glorious celebration of both the weird and sensational. 'Hair' did the same thing, but I think Crybaby was better...damn there's a lot of Johnny Depp movies in here. What can I say? The man's a great actor.)

Fight Club (This movie was so much better than I expected, I would have hit the floor the first time I saw it...had I not already been on the floor. Drinking was involved. Anyway, the movie is often gross and always violent, but it manages to tell a great story, without ever dipping into the 'psycho snob' territory. None of this is portrayed as a good thing. If anything, it's a cautionary tale. Stay for the credits, and discover what the protagonist's real name is.)

Groundhog's Day (almost a straight comedy, but it dips far enough into romance and fantasy to make the cut. It would have been great in any case, but Bill Murray really carries the movie to impressive heights. A must see for any Bill Murray fan. It came close to winning, but it gets a little...repetitive. Ironic, huh?)

Groundhog's Day (almost a straight comedy, but it dips far enough...just kidding)

Rocky (Sports movie? Drama? Action? All these things and more. The first Rocky movie is incredibly solid, with a remarkable performance from Stallone. The inevitable match itself is movie history, and Stallone makes it believable, every step of the way.)

WHEW! That's a lot of hard to define movies! Hmm...I wonder if hard to define movies are my favorite genre? It's definitely possible.

WORST HARD TO DEFINE MOVIES

Dishonorable Mention: Manos, the Hand of Fate

You knew it was coming, right? If you haven't seen this movie, you'll never see anything else like it, until you do. Filmed on a home video camera, with two people dubbing in all the voices later, a family, a building, ridiculous costumes, brides of Satan, a Satyr named Torgo, and theme music for the Satyr named Torgo.

No words can possibly describe how hilariously bad this movie is.

You know...I think it could have worked.

Hear me out, I think with the right crew, a better script, some better equipment, and a little more focus on Torgo, this movie could have actually been something...okay, it wouldn't have been great, but I can see how someone could start with the idea for this movie on paper (he was a fertilizer salesman actually) and go on to create this. What he didn't account for, was his complete inability to make a coherent movie. It isn't even consistent enough to be horror. If you mix the Exorcist with The Hills Have Eyes, throw in a dash of Zardos, and edit down to a PG rating, you'd get this movie. Why you'd ever want to is beyond me.

WORST 'WTF' MOVIE: Anything by Michael Moore

It's hard to hate Michael Moore movies without it sounding political. The truth is, I don't like Anne Coulter any better, but at least she has the decency not to make movies, and if she did, there would be genuine anger involved, and at least a little less ego.

I'm prepared to leave the politics aside. Forget whether he's right or wrong. Forget about the political issues altogether. Just imagine what would happen if he made a movie on...I don't know...puppies.

Let's review his likely steps:

1. Dress like an unpopular college Freshman. Perfect.

2. Grab a camera guy, and ambush pet store employees, interrupting them as they work. Ask all the tough questions, like 'what type of puppy is your favorite', and make sure you capture yourself in every shot. There's no reason to have the person you're interviewing more than half the screen. Edit the footage to make them look corrupt and irrational.

3. After filming yourself for a few months, add a few shots of actual puppies. Make sure you're the one holding the puppies in the scene.

4. Include a short animated film where the president stomps on puppies.

5. Run up to random politicians while they're walking through the street with their families. Demand answers as to what 'Washington' is doing for puppies. Claim the moral high ground. Have at least one shot of someone walking away, ignoring you.

6. Get thrown out by security at least once.

7. Edit the footage down to 187 minutes.

8. Make the DVD. Put a picture of yourself on the cover, wearing a giant puppy outfit. Consider putting actual puppies on the cover as well. Decide against it.

9. Win 20 awards.

10. Die. Just...die.

NEXT WEEK: CIRCUS PEANUTS...wait, what?

2008-07-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

Down to the Nitty Gritty

We've only got a few genres left for the best/worst movies list, so let's make them count!

Oh, and I forgot to include 'First Blood' in the list of action movies that almost won. It's the first Rambo movie, and it's fantastic, mostly because it really isn't a Rambo movie. It's about post-Vietnam America, and its hostility towards the veterans after they came home. How that transformed into a series that inspired that scene in UHF, I'm not sure.

I also forgot to include 'Pirates of Penzance' in the list of comedies that almost won. If 'musicals' had their own genre in this list (I didn't include it because it crosses too many different types of movies) this would have won.

BEST HORROR MOVIES

Horror is a weird genre. It can mean many things to different people. Hell, horror is close to 'suspense' in many ways, except instead of a tense courtroom scene, Jason breaks a teenager in half.

Okay, it's not exactly subtle, but it's a genre that's always been with us and always will be with us, as long as the censors allow it. Of course, it isn't so much because they're great movies, but because they're cheap to make, and always draw crowds. Here's the best of them.

Honorable Mention: Evil Dead 2

Evil Dead 2 can really be seen as the 'upgraded' version of Evil Dead 1, and in either case, they were moldbreaking movies. They combined horror and comedy, along with exciting cinematography and special effects. Of course, the real reason the movie is so great is because it's almost a superhero movie as well. Instead of following a villain, the movie follows a larger than life hero, Ash. Of course, this hero is far from invincible, but he never backs down from the forces of evil, and you sympathize and cheer him on during every step of the adventure.

Yes, Army of Darkness was also really good in exactly the same way, but Evil Dead 2 seems to do more with less, and unlike Army of Darkness, never really betrays its genre by falling into ridiculous madcap comedy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Evil Dead 2 is a better horror movie, in the pure sense. If you can really consider a horror movie 'pure'.

Best Horror Movie: The Birds

Better than Psycho and Vertigo combined, 'The Birds' is one of the most unique horror movies ever made. On paper, it sounds ridiculous, worthy of only a midnight silly movie marathon, but Hitchcock pulls it off with style. It's beautiful, suspenseful, and despite all logic, successfully makes birds seem scary.

It's admittedly a little slow at the beginning, but all Hitchcock movies are. It's his way of building suspense, until it escalates into a horrifyingly violent and gruesome finish.

Of course, what really makes 'The Birds' work so well isn't just that it makes birds scary, but that it exposes our own vulnerability. We think we're perfectly safe, living our peaceful lives in the middle of suburbia, but all it would take was a single attack, even by something as seemingly innocent as birds, and we'd be torn to pieces.

We've grown soft. Not only as a race, but as a culture, and Hitchcock exposes this vulnerability in masterful fashion.

Almost Made the List:

Darkman (an underrated horror/thriller with a hero that rivals Ash, merely out of pure rage. I'd still like to know how he pronounces words so well without lips though. Look for Bruce Campbell's cameo at the end.)

Deathrace 2000 (Roger Corman's best, which is kind of like saying 'Newark's best tourist attraction', but he does a really good job here, mostly in thanks to David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone. You know what you are? A BAKED POTATO!)

Army of Darkness (a gloriously immature film, with all the action and comedy you could ever want, with a completely believable and sympathetic hero that embodies the perfect 'macho guy' persona. There's a completely unnecessary rape scene though, which really spoils the zany, fun atmosphere. I'm not sure what that was about.)

The Shining (the closest of all the 'almost won' movies to winning, in any category. It fell short simply because it's more 'visually stunning' and 'brilliantly performed' than actually horrifying or scary. At most, it's just startling and confusing. It's still a fantastic movie though, and no matter what anyone says, it's better than the book.)

Child's Play (before Chucky was driving Britney Spears off cliffs, he actually starred in a wonderful movie. A good deal of the suspense is lost now that everyone knows 'Chucky' is alive. In the first movie, it seems at first that the kid who owns him is killing everyone...until the brilliantly startling scene where Chucky comes alive.)

Wicker Man (almost a suspense movie, but it manages to cross over into horror. Ignore the Nicholas Cage remake, we're talking about the original here, starring Christopher Lee. It's the only good horror movie I know that's about human sacrifice, and not fantasy sacrifice either, but the way it actually used to be.)

Halloween 1 & 2 (1 is better than 2, but the movies work great as a double feature. It's far more realistic and subtle than the other 'unkillable' maniac movies, which is why I really like them. The musical score is legendary, and the opening scene is thoroughly disturbing in every possible way.)

Freddy Versus Jason (It's better than any other Freddy or Jason movie, although it's more 'silly' than 'scary'. Freddy steals the show, but Jason works well as his foil.)

WORST HORROR MOVIES

Dishonorable Mention: Q

It'd be the worst if it weren't so laughably horrible. David Carradine acts as if he's performing at gunpoint, ready to run out the door at any moment, in a desperate move to remove himself from the movie.

Okay, the movie is about a 2 bit hood who is easily the least likeable character in all movie history (although for some reason I get the feeling he was supposed to be a 'funny' character) who finds the nest of a giant killer bird, that a killer cult is sacrificing people to. That's about it really. There really isn't much else to say. The special effects are hilariously bad, with stop motion special effects...in a 1982 movie. If it were only a little funnier, it'd be a parody. As it stands, it's merely an incredibly feeble attept at a horror movie.

Worst Horror Movie: Anything with Psychopathic Snobs

My least favorite genre of all time, which includes Natural Born Killers, the Devil's Rejects, The Doom Generation, and virtually anything by Rob Zombie.

The Psychopathic Snob genre is built on the idea that serial killers are really neat people that we should all emulate. The movies don't stop at glorifying violence, but portray the serial killers as renegade folk heroes, who can hardly be blamed for the occassional moral lapse, such as beheading a hooker.

How could they possibly justify this opinion? The core of the Psychopathic snob genre is built around this idea: "It's alright for me to murder people, because 'blank'."

Blank could be a disfunctional youth (which ignores all the people with childhood problems who didn't grow up to be cannibals), but that's not nearly as disturbing as the almost common excuse that it's okay to be a psychopathic killer, because other people are worse.

The 'worse' people are guilty of crimes including, but not limited to: being rude, demanding payment for goods and services rendered, being poor, having sex out of wedlock, taking drugs, having innapropriate relationships with farm animals, taking bribes, being mean, and having different political opinions than the director.

The essence of the psychopathic snob genre is the same as a superhero movie. The director sees people he doesn't like and thrashes out at them with pitiless murderous thugs, represented as nothing less than princes among men, which only goes to show how warped and disturbed the minds of the creators really are. It humanizes the maniacs by dragging everyone else down to their level, until good and evil are meaningless, and all that matters is who looks the coolest while disembowling innocent civilians.

If you think any past or childhood trauma can justify mass murder, you should not be allowed to make movies. Yes, that includes you, Oliver Stone. I'm telling your mother.

Best Samurai/Western Movie

It's really the same genre. Cowboy movies are an essential piece of American cinema, but the style and stories were lifted directly from the older black and white Samurai movies of Japan. Dark, mysterious heroes, troubled by haunted pasts and besieged by wicked men.

I prefer Samurai movies, overall, mostly because Cowboy movies often seem just a tiny bit cowardly. The heroes are nothing short of pillars of moral and physcial perfection, and the bad guys are so ridiculously bad, that the audience isn't allowed to even consider sympathizing with them. It wouldn't be any worse than action movies if they didn't dwell on it, but Cowboy movies are willing to spend half the movie showing how 'bad' the bad guy is. That's drifting a little too close to the 'psychopathic snob' genre for my taste. Tell a story, show me why the hero is good. Merely killing 'bad guys' is not enough to enoble them.

Anyway, here's the best of both sides of the world:

Honorable Mention: Yojimbo

Very very close to being the best of the genre, but the competition is pretty tough. Yojimbo started the 'wandering' hero movie genre, and has been remade more times than I can even count (although I didn't care for Fist Full of Dollars). Our hero isn't clearly a hero at first, but it unfolds slowly as the movie progresses, as he slowly tears apart two rival crime families, from the inside out.

The hero, Sanjuro, is just as vulnerable and human as he is powerful, making him one of the best heroes of cinema history. Unlike the Clint Eastwood remakes, you can tell that Sanjuro is truly making a sacrifice by choosing to fight, when most other people would run...especially when one of the villains shows up with a revolver. Great movie.

Best Samurai/Western: High Noon

This movie blew me away the first time I saw it. Instead of a young, renegade hero, our Sheriff is just a normal man who stood up to evil...only to see the villain freed by a loophole in the court system. No problem right? Sure, the bad guy is coming back for revenge along with three of the meanest men of the west, but the town will stand along side him and help him bring them down again...right?

Painful truths overcome traditional cinema idealism, as the town in which he saved slowly, one by one, begins to abandon him. Everyone encourages him to run, because no one wants to stand and fight, not when he's the target of the danger, instead of the town itself. Gary Cooper gives the performance of a lifetime, as the heroic Sheriff who discovers that the town he saved...isn't willing to save him in return, not when they seemingly don't need to.

Without giving too much away, our hero spends the movie trying to gather support of the town and his new bride, only to find them distant, and his wife (who is a pacifist Quaker) not understanding why he doesn't run. One of the best lines of the movie is from the main character's ex-girlfriend, to his new bride, after the bride asks why he's fighting, when he could just easily run. In response, the ex says,

"If you don't understand, then I can't explain it to you."

In a genre that's all about smashing the hero's nobility right into your face, it's wonderful to see a movie where his heroism is subtle, and Gary Cooper plays the part with masterful ability. The main song 'Do Not Forsake Me' is synonymous with the genre thanks to this film, and the last twenty minutes are arguably the best final act in movie history. Your jaw will not leave the floor until the ending credits.

Almost Made the List

Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood's best, with some of the most flawed and believable characters in the genre. If it were only a little faster paced, it might have won.)

Sanjuro (the sequel to Yojimbo, and almost as good. The ending scene is nothing short of spectacular, although the rest of the movie is slightly forgettable.)

Seven Samurai (destined to make the list, but a little too depressing and downbeat to make it one of the best. Still, Kurisawa's directing is some of the best in cinema history.)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (a very good movie, although I'm not convinced that Clint's character is as good as the movie suggest, and the 'bad' character is a little tacked on. Eli Wallach's character, 'the ugly' really steals the show, as we see he's bad, although not quite evil, and the movie thoroughly shows how he got that way. I'd go as far to argue that he's the real main character of the movie.)

WORST SAMURAI/WESTERN

Dishonorable Mention: The Magnificent Seven

Wha-wha-what?!!!

Nope, I'm standing by that assessment. It's a bad movie. It's shallow and cowardly in all the ways I hate the Western genre for. What really makes it stand out as a poor movie is how inferior it is to Seven Samurai, the movie it was based on. In all honesty, this is really what drags the movie down. Watching the director and actors attempt to recreate a masterpiece into an American cowboy movie is heartbreaking. It's like watching someone try to 'fix' the world's largest house of cards while wearing mittens. Only it drags out over several hours.

Unlike Seven Samurai, the movie doesn't stay long enough with any one character for their personalities to really shine through. Most of them are summed up in short, shticky scenes, where they're personified by a personal trait, rather than their personality.

The bad guy is not only completely unbelievable, but idiotic as well. He degrades down to a Saturday morning cartoon style villain, where the story has to include 'excuses' for him to keep sparing the heroes, to keep him from easily winning.

I didn't enjoy a single moment of this movie, and I can't see how anyone really can.

Worst Samurai/Western: The Gunslinger

Roger Corman at his worst. Yes, Roger Corman decided he could make a western. It's so bad, it's almost laughable, if it weren't so boring.

You'll call every plot twist long before they happen, you'll cheer when the supposedly 'sympathetic' characters get gunned down, you'll laugh at the horribly disastrous continuity and direction errors, and finally, you'll wonder who's still alive in town at the end. Isn't everyone dead? Is the new Sheriff the Sheriff of himself now?

Yeah, that's an MST3K joke, but it's the only way to watch the movie. If only they MSTied the Magnificent Seven...

BEST FAMILY MOVIES

Murder, mayhem and Muppets. What better genre to round out the list?

Honorable Mention: Spirited Away

A brilliant and thoroughly enjoyable masterpiece, filled with fantasy, childlike wonder, and a believable main character that isn't an idiot, despite being a child. The violence almost keeps it from being a family movie in the traditional sense, but it's not like 'Alice in Wonderland' is much better. Uplifting and entertaining, with very well defined characters and brilliant imagry. As a bonus, despite being a Japanese import, the voice acting in the dubbed version of the movie is some of the best I've ever seen. It's a must see for the whole family.

Best Family Movie: The Incredibles

Pixar never fails to disappoint, and the incredibles is their best movie of all. I can't think of a movie that's just as entertaining for kids, parents and teenagers all at the same time. It's the closest thing I've seen to the 'perfect' movie, in the sense that it has something for absolutely everyone.

Honestly, it's really hard to find anything wrong with the movie. Some of its plot hooks are a little silly (legally, you can't hold it against someone for saving your life...although you might be able to argue that they weren't legally qualified to attempt), what's with all the really short characters, and...Gazer beam? Who thought that name was a good idea?

Really I'm just nitpicking. It's hilarious, action packed, exciting, and includes the best villain in Disney history. The Incredibles also goes a step further, and actually succeeds in being poignant, and brave enough to suggest that it's alright for people to excel, and be better at things than other people.

"Everyone's special, Dash."

"That's the same thing as saying no one is."

Oooo...and that line was from a kid. Priceless.

Almost Made the List:

Most of the Muppet Movies (They're all great, but not quite as great as the original Muppet Show or Sesame Street.)

All the Wallace and Grommit movies and shorts (they haven't made a bad one yet. If you haven't seen 'Curse of the Were-rabbit', I'd go check it out now. Right now. Go to netflix. I'll wait.)

Aladdin (most of the newer Disney films are really good, but Aladdin's the best of them. It's hysterical and fun for the whole family. Beauty and the Beast is also really good, and Hunchback of Notre Dame was much better than expected.)

Nightmare Before Christmas (a difficult movie to define, but overall the most pleasantly disturbing family movie ever made, to boot. Everything about this movie is great...if only it weren't so over-hyped, it might have rated better.)

Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (they're both great, although the newer version is barely a family movie. Gene Wilder manages to outperform Johnny Depp, although the second movie was more thoughtful, and loyal to the original book. If we were looking for a movie where the remake was just as enjoyable as the original, this would probably have won, right alongside...)

The Christmas Carol/Scrooge (I prefer the musical, but they're both very well made, and enjoyable for the entire family. My only complaint with the original is that the 'poor' Bob Cratchett appears to be living in a mansion, and my only complaint with the musical remake is that I now pray nightly for Tiny Tim's death.)

Wizard of Oz (just a silly family movie, all things considered, but a great one)

The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao (a little ridiculous, racist, preachy and slow to start, but the movie really succeeds in showing us now only how/why the people are bad, but also how they can change, not only for the good of the town, but for their own good as well. Yeah, it's preachy, but they actually have something worth preaching.)

WORST FAMILY MOVIE

*dons protective gear*

Dishonorable Mention: Princess Mononoke

I hate this movie.

The main characters aren't believable, the strong and independent princess is quite weak and in need of a man to save her, just like in most anime. Japan wouldn't know a strong female character if it hit them in the face...okay, Chihiro in Spirited Away was good, but that's it.

The worst part of the movie is it constantly beats you over the head that nature is magical and wonderful, and that humans are horrible monsters for destroying it.

Listen: nature is a brutal and heartless place, and giving animals noble personalities doesn't change the fact that there isn't a single pig on earth that wouldn'd eliminate an entire species in exchange for a mouthful of food.

Animals aren't noble. Only people have the ability to be noble, and the movie misses that point even worse than 'Ferngully'. Plants and animals don't have thoughts, beliefs or morals, and giving the 'nature spirts' deep meaningful personalities and tragic deaths merely belittles humanity.

Sigh...I don't want to go too much on a rant here (we don't need another political blog), but Princess Mononoke focuses on how bad we are to the animals...and you know what? I don't care. Fuck that giant wild boar. What's he ever done for us? The real issue is how destroying the environment hurts ourselves, and our fellow human beings. This movie couldn't missed the mark more if it tried. I could have forgiven it if it were actually entertaining...but it isn't.

*ducks*

*bricks thrown by fanboys fly over head*

Alright, it's now time to alienate the rest of my readers.

Worst Family Movie: Miracle on 34th Street (original or remake, doesn't matter)

There is no Santa Claus. There just isn't. I'm not anti-Christmas, but this movie is based solely around lying to children. What about those ones who've almost stopped believing? Those are the ones the movie rushes in for, to ensure that they'll keep believing no matter what...

Sick. Sick. SICK!

There's something seriously wrong with this movie. Oh sure, there's many Santa Claus movies, and 'Polar Express' wasn't much better in many regards, but this movie insults me on a moral and spiritual level.

The worst is the big final speech, where the lawyer states to everyone, in the middle of court:

"Isn't a small, wonderful lie better than a hard, painful truth?"

NO!

NO!

NO!

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could've been in that courtroom. How dare he suggest, in a court of law, that lies can replace the truth. That horrible ugly truths are inferior to the shiny, wonderful tripe that he's selling. That convictions and deeply held beliefs are just 'too hard' to deal with, and explaining every difficult situation with a colorful 'magical' answer is so much better.

This movie sickens me, especially since it's targeted at kids. For an antedote, read or watch Terry Pratchett's Hogfather. That book also explains why it's important to have Santa Claus and believe in him, but it also explains why. It isn't just an easy little lie to tell kids, simply because telling the truth is more difficult.

That's really the essence of the movie: Santa Clause is great because it's easy. Not easy for kids, but easy for adults. It's easier than convincing kids to be good without reward or punishment. It's easier than accepting the fact that most bad deeds go unpunished. It's easier than accepting the world for what it really is.

That's just sick.

Well that about wraps things up! All that's left for next week are...TWO BONUS GENRES YOU WOULDN'T EVEN THINK OF! DUN DUN DUN! ^_^

2008-07-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

YET ANOTHER BEST/WORST MOVIE RANT

BEST DRAMA

The categories drama, mystery and suspense are a little difficult to divide up, but ultimately I've decided to have drama as one category, and mystery/suspense as another. The only real difference between mystery and suspense being whether you know who the murderer is or not. Anyway, here's drama.

Honorable Mention: Casablanca (1942)

A classic, and for good reason. Bogey's at his best, improvising lines that are now considered classic (if you read the original script, you'll find that none of the really good lines in there). Everything about the story is completely believable, from the hilariously creepy French policeman, to the heartbreaking romance, to the suprisingly well portrayed friendship between him and Sam (it's unusual to see a cross-race friendship in older movies without them relying on master/servant undertones...in fact, it's unusual to see it even now), and fantastic performances all around. It's subtle, believable, and deep. A must see.

Best Drama: Miller's Crossing (1990)

When will Hollywood get it? The best heroes are VULNERABLE. Not weak, but human, and prone not only to make mistakes, but also fail. This story is about imperfect human characters, one of which is having a crisis of conscience, which he himself describes as being similar to running through the forest, trying to catch his hat. Again, it's subtle and brilliant, with a perfect atmosphere and as many laughs as there are tears.

As an added bonus, watch for John Turturro's character (you might remember him as the wacky federal agent in 'Transformers'), who skates the line between lovable, detestable and pathetic with flair. His begging in the woods is nothing short of the greatest instance of begging in movie history.

Almost Made the List

Metropolis (the greatest silent movie ever, but a little too slow to rate higher, as it was filmed before the invention of 'pacing')

Godfather 2 (I don't care for the other Godfather movies, but the second is brilliant, mostly in part to Deniro...no offense Mr. Pacino)

Scent of a Woman (See? There was no offense. His last speech is pure gold, and falls somewhere between a furious tirade, and a heartbreaking confession. The co-star couldn't out-act a brick though, so it's not worth a victory)

12 Angry Men (a very good movie and an excellent play, but some of the actors are a little lacking...but only by a little bit)

Citizen Kane (incredibly dense, but very well performed by everyone involved. The scene between Kane and his last wife, where their marriage finally falls apart, is perfect)

Touch of Evil (Orson Wells is back again, this time as a sympathetic villain that rivals Turturro's. Rivals, but doesn't quite defeat)

WORST DRAMA EVER

Dishonorable mention: Parts, the Clonus Horror (1979)

This movie is just plain stupid. They clone people for extra organs, but create this isolated community to hold them in, feeding them lies to keep them under control. Where's the payoff? Isn't it easier to just replace people than cloning backup organs for them? Can't they just clone the organs and not the rest of the person? Why not keep them lobotimized (they lobotomize the clones if they become unruly, but they never explain why they don't do this from the start)? Why lie to them about the world? Why not tell them the truth, but keep them isolated until you need them? None of these questions get answered, and instead we watch Peter Graves be evil, and the secret organization work like idiots. They don't even have security cameras in the offices, for Got's sake.

As a bonus point, as stupid as this movie sounds, the creators of the recent movie 'The Island' decided to rip the concept off completely, right down to every stupid twist. The movie bombed, and they got their pants sued off. Sweet. If only the same fate befell...

Worst Drama: Patch Adams (1998)

I don't blame Robin Williams for this movie. He did what he could with it, and gave a better performance than in Bicentennial Man or Jack. This movie was garbage from the ground up.

It starts off fairly well, as we see some honestly funny scenes with the impatient and flawed Patch Adams, but the world quickly divides into two groups: satan worshipping baby killers, and people who worship Patch Adams as the second coming of Christ.

This trumped up, shameless ego pic is about Patch Adams being zany, breaking all the rules, committing countless criminal offenses, and being worshipped for it like a God. I hate Patch Adams. Not just the movie, but the man himself. He even put in the tragic death of his real life lady friend, only to reveal her darkest secrets to the moviegoing public, and exploit her death as a cheap excuse for his own soul searching. Fuck you, Patch Adams. She deserved better.

For Christ's sakes, even the dying angry patient, who turns around and becomes happy, spends his last moment with...his wife? Kids? Priest? No! Why Patch Adams of course! God's gift to the world, to be loved unconditionally, and act as both our personal jester and surrogate priest. Remember, any mention of God, religion or spirituality is prohibited in this movie, as nothing is allowed to take any attention or love away from Patch himself.

Haven't had enough? The big trial at the end is BS. In reality, they weren't trying him for his 'renegade' hospital or his methods, they were trying him for stealing supplies and hospital funds! That's a pretty good reason to have a trial, all things considered.

Everything about this movie is shameless and dumb, but it's not really Robin Williams' fault. His only crime was not turning the part down. This movie would have been nothing without him.

BEST ROMANCE

I admit, this category is a little light, just like Sports. Perhaps it's because romances don't actually work the way they do in chick-flicks. Of course, real fights don't work the way they do in movies either, but at least you get explosions and guns being fired while leaping through the air. Chick-flicks get conversations. Great.

Honorable Mention: Annie Hall (1977)

Every Woody Allen movie is a completely honest confession. Understand this, and you'll understand the man. His personal failings aside, Woody Allen is a brilliant director, who took a mediocre concept for a murder mystery, and instead turned it into a completely neurotic romance that borders on being the most honest in movie history. It isn't always pleasant or pretty, but from beginning to end we see a romance build up and ultimately fail, and their failures and difficulties are always created by themselves, rather than chance or circumstance. It's hilarious, brilliant, and it even includes Shelley Duvall in a see-through t-shirt.

There will be a time and place to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush, but now is not the time...but didn't anyone else think she looked cute in 'The Shining'? No? Huh.

As a bonus, there's a scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen panics when he's supposed to accept a big award, and ultimately doesn't go because he's afraid. What's the bonus? Annie Hall won 'best picture' at the Oscars, and he did exactly the same thing in real life. As I said, Woody's movies are all confessions.

Best Romance: The Princess Bride (1987)

Yeah, it's not a romance in the traditional sense, but it isn't really a comedy or fantasy either. This movie is about love, not just the love we feel during romance, but the love we feel for our family as well. Imigo's love for his father is just as important as Westley's for Buttercup, and drives the plot along perfectly. Cary Elwes gives the performance of a lifetime...actually, everyone involved does. Mandy Patinkin (Imigo...yeah, his name's 'Mandy'...poor guy) really steals the show though, and helps the 'action' elements hold up. It's so classic there's no reason even to quote it. We all know it by heart.

Why do I consider this movie a romance? Because the movie wouldn't have been great if the romantic aspects weren't so believable, mixing need, desire, bitterness, faith, and devotion in perfect harmony. It would have still been alright, but the romantic aspects bring the movie to life. It's the chick flick we can all agree on.

Almost made it:

West Side Story (arguably better than Romeo and Juliet itself, but the romantic aspects fall flat in places. The smaller support characters really drive the show)

My Best Friend's Wedding (painfully honest and bittersweet, just like Annie Hall, and it's Julia Roberts' best...which is kind of like saying a movie is Keanu Reeve's best, but what the hell?)

Sleepless in Seattle (I'm not a Tom Hanks fan, but he works well in this movie. What works best is they take time to show both sides of the romance, which is always believable...except in Bill Pullman's pathetic 'nice guy' acceptance at the end. Come on Lonestar! Grow a pair! At least get drunk and punch the waiter, for Christ's sake.)

WORST ROMANCE

Dishonorable Mention: Titanic (1997)

What a horrible movie. Mediocre performances all around, a villain that they refuse to allow to be sympathetic in any away (just like in Patch, they won't let anything detract from the main romance), with an INCREDIBLY long run time. The boat sinking scenes are fine, but anything involved in the 'romantic' aspect of the plot is pathetic. Almost as pathetic as...

Worst Romance: Moulin Rouge! (2001)

It takes a special amount of shamelessness to have an exclaimation mark in your title. Instead of celebrating this shamelessness, like in 'Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!', Moulin Rouge acts like a drama geek with a moderate to severe cocaine problem.

The musical numbers aren't bad, but the movie constantly expects to be wacky-zany and be taken completely seriously as well. One scene the main girl is whoring herself out to strangers, the other she's dying, the next she's falling in love with the hero, only to then bounce around like a pogo-stick. The movie simply tries to do too much, and be too much. No matter what mind set you're in, you're going to leave disappointed, as the movie can't decides what it is, ultimately making it nothing.

Yeah, it hardly seems enough to make it 'the worst', but the last straw is their constant repetition of the phrase 'truth'. They say everything about their life and work is about truth. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it. Bullshit. Their version of truth is that lovers stay together in perfect relationships forever, are paid ludicrous sums to sing and dance, and should be revered every moment for it.

The villain (who I fully empathize with) thinks the truth is that the kid is a nobody, the girl's a prostitute, and since he's paying for everything, including her services as a prostitute, then he should recieve the goods, services and sexual favors that he's paid good money for.

Can we really blame him?

BEST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE

I'll admit it, I love these movies, especially old film noir. Good acting, great directing, great plots (although the sex and controversial parets of the original stories are always cut out), and gloriously sexy women who didn't have to show a lot of skin in order to get men interested. Anyway, here we go:

Honorable Mention: Laura (1944)

This used to be my all-time favorite movie, and it's still my second favorite, overall. It's a brilliant story that may sometimes seem clicheyed, simply because this is the movie where all the cliches come from. They all were stolen from here. It's a standard detective story, with the hero falling in love with the girl, only this time the girl's already dead. As our hero unravels the events of her life through a series of flashbacks described by other people, he begins to fall in love with her personality, even though he's only seen her through her large portrait. Clifton Webb is hilariously icy, and a young Vincent Price plays a charming lady's man (if you can believe it). The main detective is cool, calculating and like in all great movies, subtle. He doesn't shout his feelings. You have to infer them from his actions. The movie honestly gets better every time I see it, and is dwarfed only by...

Best Mystery/Suspense: Murder My Sweet (1944)

This movie is perfect. Everything about it is fantastic, and Dick Powell portrays Detective Phillip Marlowe better than any other actor in history, Bogey included. The plot is tight and hilarious, with good amounts of suspense and classic lines, such as:

"He was doubled up on his face...in that bag-of-old-clothes position that always means the same thing: he had been killed by an amateur. Or by somebody who wanted it to look like an amateur job. Nobody else would hit a man that many times with a sap."

It's a great detective story that's just as funny as it is exciting. Phillip Marlowe started the 'detective monologuing' cliche, and nobody does it better. It's a must see for all detective movie fans, and the book it's based on, 'Farewell My Lovely' is just as good (although the ending is very different). It's my favorite film of any genre, hands down.

Almost made it:

Going to be a lot. Sorry...

Chinatown (Jack Nicholson is fantastic, and it's far more realistic and tragic than your standard detective movie)

The French Connection (almost an action movie, with one of the best car chase scenes of all time, and a spooky ending I did not see coming)

White Heat (James Cagney becomes a mobster movie legend, and for good reason. He's so believably unhinged, it's frightening. It's fantastic from beginning to end, and the hero is really an afterthought. It's all about the villain here. "MADE IT MA! TOP OF THE WORLD!")

The Professional (The oddly offputting romantic untertones aside, this movie is brilliant. It's a bizarre tale about a loveable assassin with a minor mental disability who adopts a 12 year old girl who falls madly in love with him (although his feelings are always platonic), while thwarting a hilariously over-the-top corrupt cop. It's a unique gem, only limited by unsettling feeling throughout)

The Third Man (Brando steals the show as the charismatic villain, but it's also a great movie overall. Be sure to check out the ferris wheel scene. ^_^ The music also compliments things well, and the ending is both sad and poignant. Great flick.)

The Usual Suspects (A great movie that's a little too clever for its own good, but still a great flick overall. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist." Great line. Great movie)

The Big Sleep (a great Bogey movie by any standard, with one of the best final scenes in movie history, but they cut half the plot out of the movie to make room for more romance. Even with those deleted scenes, you won't understand anything if you haven't read the book. Hell, half the plot points don't make sense unless you understand that the first murder victim is both a pornographer and a homosexual, and since it's an older movie, both points were completely cut out)

The Maltese Falchon (if you're looking at drama/suspense, you're going to get a lot of movies that start with 'the'. Bogey is once again fantastic, with another great ending, and surprisingly believable plot. Every detective movie like this usually ends with either the hero falling madly in love with the girl, or the girl turning out to be pure evil. This is one of the rare movies that has the courage to do both.)

Road to Perdition (underrated film, with great direction, and fantastic scenes between Tom Hanks and Paul Newman. Both actors go against type, and add a lot to the movie, which would have been great in any case. We also learn an important lessons for gunfights: don't hide behind anything made of glass.)

WORST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE

Whew! Never thought I'd get through the 'almost made it section'. Here's one that definitely didn't make it:

Dishonorable mention: The Big Sleep (1978)

But Max, you said this movie was good!

Check the year. Yup, in the same year I was born, an ancient Robert Mitchum was convinced that he could play Phillip Marlowe in a modern day update of the story, set in England. Nevermind that the pornographer sub-plot doesn't make sense in the present, that the film is filled with grade-Z actors, that they destroyed the power of the 'little man' death scene, or that they made the bad daughter who's supposed to be gorgeous rather 'plain', and the good daughter who's supposed to be plain rather 'gorgeous'. Really gorgeous, in fact. Everything else is just plain stupid...although it is more faithful to the original story than the 1944 version.

As an added dishonor, Jimmy Stewart...that's right, 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is horribly miscast as the old, dying patron of the hiring family. Every line is warbled out weakly, with no anger, bitterness or passion. Jimmy was simply the wrong man for the job, plain and simple. Has this great actor ever done anything worse?

Worst Mystery/Suspense: Vertigo (1958)

On IMDB, this movie is #39 on the greatest movies of all time. It's considered by some to be Hitchcock's greatest film of all time. My favorite Hitchcock film isn't even in the top 250.

Please, everyone do what you can to fight the war on drugs. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Seriously though, this movie is so ungodly slow you would hardly believe it. If they aren't driving around in cars, listening to pointless stories or hamming it up for the camera, then they're merely setting the story up for one of the stupidest twists in movie history.

Vertigo makes NO sense at any point, from start to finish, and although Jimmy Stewart does an okay acting job, the plot's too weak to support it. The only redeeming part is the ending, where Jimmy's corners the villain, and forces himself to face his fear and relive the worst moments of his life, all for the sake of finding the truth.

This is ruined, sadly, but the horribly unclimactic ending afterwards, that explains and resolves nothing. What happens? How do things resolve? The movie gives you the finger, that's what happens...alright, the very last scene is a beautiful one, with Jimmy standing out on the ledge, but it takes far too long to get there.

Next time:

I butcher more classics, and go on to the final genres: horror, family and samurai/western.

Having said that all in one sentence, I now have to write, direct and star in my own horror/family/samurai/western. Wish me luck. ^_^

2008-06-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

BEST AND WORST MOVIES: PART 2

As promised...

BEST PORN

Honorable Mention: World's Bustiest Asian...

Okay, I'm not actually going there. You can thank me later...right after you beat me senseless for going on about the worst pornos ever.

No, I'm not 'going there' in the literal sense. I won't go into that. Instead, I'm going to rant a little bit on the two worst movies that pretended to be serious, artistic, oscar-worthy films, and instead turned out to be Porn. Not even good porn.

WORST PORN

Dishonorable Mention: Caligula (1979)

Okay, picture this...

Wait...on second thought, don't.

Instead, picture an 18 year old Max, finally able to rent 'adult' movies, who doesn't have the guts to actually rent porn. Keep in mind, this is before the internet caught on.

Now, he's looking around the video store and he sees 'Caligula'. It has naked women, it's critically acclaimed, and it appears historical. Naked women and a good movie to boot! Who could ask for more?

Young Max then takes it home, sneaks it upstairs, puts it on, and is immediately scarred for life.

This movie is grotesque. It's not even historically accurate. The incest is really the tamest part. I'm all for sex and violence in movies, but NOT IN THE SAME SCENE. The best parts are merely disgusting, and I really don't want to go further into it.

To quote the hilarious (although it isn't always intentional) Roger Ebert:

"It isn't good art and it isn't good porn."

Ew...still, one redeeming scene, no doubt as a concession to investors (who were probably nearing the torch and pitchfork stage), is in the movie towards the end, involving the Roman senator's wives. It DEFINITELY isn't worth watching for it, but it makes it a little bit better than...

WORST PORN: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Story time once more. Okay, I'm at college, flipping through the channels, and I stop at the college TV station...and it's soft core porn.

Seriously.

It's fully clothed people in masks watching naked people in masks have sex. It'd be more interesting if it wasn't ridiculously 'artsy' and over-dramatic.

Suddenly, there's a little tension as one of the guys in masks (fully clothed, thankfully) is cornered and revealed as an intruder. He's ordered to take off his mask and it's...

Tom Cruise

I nearly passed out. I nearly hurled myself out the second story window, to end the nightmare. No, it was real...and it was Tom Cruise.

I had one of those 'if it wasn't for my horse' moments. My mind's racing. What the hell is Tom Cruise doing in a bad, artsy soft core porn movie?

Then it hits me...Eyes Wide Shut. The movie progresses terribly, with all the horrible acting, and no more nudity. It's bad enough that Tom Cruise is the type of actor who prepares for the role of a doctor by putting on a stethoscope, but nobody brings anything to this movie. How the hell could Kubrick, one of the best directors who ever lived, create a piece of crap like that?!

That's when it hits me. Imagine you're Kubrick. You're an old and famous director, and a dirty old man (all old men are 'dirty old men' by the way). You're in no mood to marry a gold digging, trophy wife. You can't go to a strip club, or it'd be all over the news. The internet is around, but still in the crappy AOL stage.

What do you do?

You direct a movie that's basically nothing but a strip club, and sell it off as art. Genius. It's trash, but the scam is genius. ^_^

BEST COMEDY

Along with detective/mystery, it's probably my favorite genre. Movies are supposed to be fun, and comedies are definitely that...usually.

Honorable Mention: Young Frankenstein (1974)

Of all the movies in the list, this is probably the closest any honorable mention got to winning. Gene Wilder is a comic genius (if he wasn't such a prick in real life, he'd get more acclaim), and his talent, combined with a great cast, hilarious script and top notch directing, all combined to bring us the greatest parody of all time. The 'scalpel' scene near the beginning never fails to crack me up, and if any other actor besides Gene Wilder did it, it probably wouldn't have been nearly as funny. Comedy is ultimately about subtlety and timing, and no movie does it better than...

BEST COMEDY: Clue (1985)

Yes, you probably saw this one coming, but come on:

Tim Currey
Madelain Kahn (In both top comedies, by the way)
Christopher Lloyd
Martin Mull
Michael McKean
Colleen Camp (the ludicrously hot Yvette)
Eileen Brennan

This is a cast that could only produce pure, comic gold, and surely enough they did. The plot is clever, fast moving, suprisingly realistic (everything that happens is certainly possible), and like my top action pick 'Hot Fuzz', Clue keeps escalating, starting off slow and slightly sombre, but by the end it runs like a full blown madcap comedy.

Also like Young Frankenstein, the movie would have only been 'alright' if it weren't for the experienced cast, who play off each other beautifully, with hilarious and subtle performances.

Yes, I'm a major clue fan...and I've even ranted in the past about how only the 'first' ending (the one with the 'one plus two' bit) is the only ending that makes sense...because otherwise how would the murderers know about the secret passage from the Conservatory to the Lounge? It doesn't make sense that they'd find it by chance during the few minutes left alone, and Miss Scarlet was the only one who could possibly know...

Well, you see what I mean. Still, it's a fantastic movie. Also, it cements Madelain Kahn's place as the queen of comedy. You know her rant on how much she hated Yvette? She improvised that on the spot. ^_^

Almost made it to the list

Most of the Monty Python Movies (like the series, the often get a little slow and unfunny at times...blasphemous, I know, but live with it)

Most other Mel Brooks Movies (there are many many great ones, but Young Frankestein is the best)

Oh Brother Where Art Thou (A little too serious, with too many scenes of the 'politicians', but otherwise very good)

MST3K The Movie (Yes, I'm a fanboy, but I'll give them props. The movie is tight, short, entertaining, and you don't need to be a fan to enjoy it. The end credits is the best end credits of any movie, ever)

WORST COMEDY

Dishonorable Mention: Most Adam Sandler movies

God, I hate Adam Sandler. He plays every single part with the same blank, humorless aggressiveness. He's one of those actors who believes he can phone in rolls because he oozes talent, but since he has virtually none, he just comes off as an aloof idiot.

Have a favorite Adam Sandler movie? I guarantee you he was carried along by better actors, to give the impression of talent by having other comedians provide all the humor. He's the Millie Vanilli of comedy. He's Owen Wilson without charm. He's Ben Stiller without personality. He's Rob Schneider without any shred of humility.

Alright, I'll give him Happy Gilmore, but that's it. Everything else is trash.

WORST COMEDY: Nothing but Trouble (1991)

When a man sits down with his friends to watch a movie starring Dan Akroyd, Jim Candy, Chevy Chase, and Demi Moore (back when she was hot)...a man has certain expectations. This is a very talented cast, full of veteran comedians...

So what the hell happened? This movie has all the grotesqueness of Caligula, only instead of nudity, it has wacky sound effects. For some strange reason, I keep getting the odd suspicion that Dan Akroyd's trying to be funny. Maybe it's just me.

An insane old judge with a nose that looks like a penis...yeah, that's the joke...an old backwoods courthouse, and a roller coaster like machine that kills people, debones them, and spits their bones onto a huge pile in back.

The punchline? They mainly target bankers.

Let me know if I cross over anything that sounds funny, because these are the jokes in their entirety. There's no delivery or charm, you're just supposed to be hearing these things, and rolling on the floor with laughter.

Even John Candy cross dressing doesn't do anything for the humor. It's ugly, it's dumb, and they even throw in two giant retarded fat guys in diapers.

Give me any three random highschoolers, a case full of red bull, a computer with a word processor, and a long weekend, and I guarantee you'll have a funnier movie than this one. Jesus fucking Christ...I want to ask Dan Akroyd what the hell happened. I'll even break out the Ouiji board and ask John Candy. Chevy Chase and Demi Moore I expect this from, but the rest...what happened?

I'd rather break a tooth and get a crown, than have to watch this movie ever again.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION

Let's lighten things up with Sci-fi. I have to admit, I'm nowhere as big a sci-fi fan as I am a fantasy fan, mostly because the genre as a whole feels they doesn't have to be entertaining. I'm not sure why.

Honorable Mention: Star Wars (1977)

There's plenty of room for fanboyism here, but really, it's a great movie. For the kids, there's plenty of space ships, laser sword fighting, magic powers, and HUGE explosions! For the more serious, there's a great cast, good plot, and great dialog. Nevermind that the sequels are nothing like the original movie, and that the plot was based on 'The Hidden Fortress' and the atmosphere was lifted straight out of 'Dune'. George Lucas pulled everything together and brought us a classic gem. It isn't the best though. The best goes to someone who took more risks...

BEST SCI-FI: Blade Runner: the Director's Cut (1982)

Blade Runner is a visual masterpiece, considering everything was done with models and light effects. That's right, no CGI or animation at all. That's more than enough to make it worth watching, but the story goes much further, and manages to define the disutopian sci-fi genre with its portrayal of a future that's not bright and fantastic, but crowded, dirty, dark, polluted, and enbridled with a ethically and morally questionable culture.

It's a standard, mysterious androids that look human run amok and kill people plot, but the director Ridley Scott never takes the easy way out, by dismissing them as 'evil'. The movie is designed to show how human the replicants really are, and how inhuman regular people can become, until the differences are minute, and eventually, indestinguishable. Harrison Ford plays the hard boiled detective part perfectly, and Rutger Hauer steals the show as the villain.

Their final scene together on the rooftop is one of the most poignant scenes I can ever remember seeing in a movie, not only for Rutger Hauer's speech, but for Harrison Ford's amazingly subtle reactions, as he himself, as well as the audience, begin to question what we believe.

Alright, it's not only drama. There's more than enough action to keep anyone satisfied, and a little T & A to boot.

Interestingly enough, this is the only movie I can think of where I suggest watching the original version first, and then the director's cut afterwards. The director's cut is better, but it can often be hard to follow, as the plot moves along without waiting for the audience to keep up. The original is much easier to follow, but includes a ridiculously 'super happy' ending, and some unwelcome voice overs that cause the action to stop and sputter. Don't worry, it's definitely worth watching twice.

Almost made the list

12 Monkeys (I'm not a huge Terry Gilliam fan, but this is actually quite good)

Star Trek 8: First Contact (the best of the Star Trek movies. It's quick, easy to follow, and thoroughly entertaining. Best of all: no Shatner)

Serenity (It includes everything great about the series 'Firefly', and none of the bad parts...and yes, there were many bad parts. Deal with it)

Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (Empire got a little dark and artsy, only to slingshot in the opposite direction and become cutesy and dump by Jedi. They're both good, just not good enough)

WORST SCI-FI

Dishonorable Mention: Matrix 2 (2003)

More of an action movie than a Sci-fi, but it counts, and I want those few hours of my life back. The action, actually, is the most serviceable aspect of the movie. I'd even go as far to describe the car chase/battle involving the ghostly brothers, Morpheus, Trinity and the agents as 'awesome'.

It's too bad they felt the need to keep interrupting with French babbling, completely out of place philosophy, pointlessly bland kung-fu action, and a love scene that's almost enough to get me to swear off sex for good.

Like many other terrible sequels, everyone involved gutted out everything that made the original movie great, packed it tightly with pure ego, and marketed it as if it were the second coming of Christ.

I sincerely hope Neo's fight against all the Agent Smiths was supposed to be hilarious. I honestly rolling in the aisles.

The only thing interesting about the movie, and the Matrix series in general, is the moral ambiguity. The heroes pine over the safety and wellbeing of each other, and then go on to happily murder hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people in the Matrix. Sure, they're 'part of the system', but so were they at some point.

I wouldn't harp on it, as it is often necessary, but nobody seems to care the least when countless men, women and children die by their hands. Hell, Neo's climactic rush to save Trinity, only a single person, had to have killed at least a thousand people, most of whom had to mean as much to someone as Trinity meant to him.

The movie is pure self-absorbtion. Not only were the Wachowski brothers completely absorbed by their own arrogance when making this movie (hopefully Speed Racer took them down a few pegs), but the characters in the movie are equally self absorbed, heartless soldiers that care nothing about the innocent, defenseless, or any other lives or feelings besides their own.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to put in a movie, but it does make it hard to take all the 'religious' symbolism in the movie seriously. Jesus wouldn't kill a person even to save his own life. Neo kills a hundred people on his way to work each day. You might also note that in the sequel, he only sacrifices himself after Trinity is dead. Even that reaks of selfishness. It hurts too much to live, so he's going to kill himself. The fact it saves the world is almost coincidental.

WORST SCI-FI: Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (2002)

Sigh...

SIGH......

Say what you want about Episode I and Jar Jar, but it had its moments. Yes, we were all disappointed, but it wasn't a bad movie. Even Episode 3, with its non-stop whining, impossible to follow sword fights and stupid plot resolutions wasn't terrible. I can think of at least three scenes that drew me in.

Why, oh why did Episode 2 have to happen? There's literally NOTHING to see here. Lucas continues to devalue his own worth by forcing deep helping of politics, bland conversations, unimaginative CGI, and climactic battles that consistently fail to live up to the hype.

In every way, you'll be disappointed by this movie. It keeps setting up brilliant 'concepts' for scenes, only to horribly blow the delivery in the worst possible way. It's like watching a comedy bit between Bud Abbot and...well, Jar Jar binks.

The catina scene is shockingly forgettable (with almost no aliens at all), Jango Fett's death is stupid (although not as stupid as some suggest...he just never imagined that every shot would be blocked), Christopher Lee is completely out of place, Anakin is as likeable as a rabid badger with irritable bowel syndrome, and the ending is horribly anti-climactic.

Watch this movie, and Episodes I and III will look a LOT better. Trust me.

Well, that's all the time I have for this week (I spent way too much time on Sci-fi), but we'll be back with Robin Williams. Can you guess which movie of his drove me to call him up and convince him to start drinking again? Stay tuned.

2008-06-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

OBLIGATORY SHORT POLITICAL RANT AND AFTERWARD

Okay, I'm just going to rant on one vaguely political issue, and then go on to a regular post. If you want, just hum 'American Pie' to yourself until the rant is over.

The internet is going wild with people throwing tantrums over the bill recently passed in the house, that gives us more protections against government wiretapping, but simultenously excuses the phone companies for giving the private information of its customers over to the government.

If you hop over to Fark, you'll be able to see countless people crying that by not holding the phone companies responsible, we're becoming slaves to our corporate masters...or some crap like that.

I'm glad the phone companies weren't held responsible. They aren't responsible.

It's not the phone company's job to decide if handing information over is necessary to preserve national security, it's the government's, so when the government asked for the information (even though it wasn't really within their right to do so), it's understandable that the phone companies complied.

Say you're a landlord, and police officers show up, telling you that there's an emergency, and they need to be let into one of the rooms in order to save a life, even though they don't have a warrant. Let's say there actually isn't an emergency, and the police just wanted to illegally search through those apartments.

Should the landlord be held accountable for letting them in? Of course not. The authorities are the ones with the power and right to declare whether a situation is an emergency, or if extreme measures must be taken, so it wasn't their place to question their request. The fact it was a lie doesn't make the landlord guilty, and the fact the phone companies complied with the government doesn't make them guilty either.

Look at it this way: what if it WAS necessary, and handing over the information prevented a major terrorist attack? Would they be facing these same lawsuits? Of course not, they'd be lauded as heroes.

What if the information WAS necessary, but it was withheld, and allowed another terrorist attack on the United States? Do you think the democrats would be applauding the phone companies as champions of civil rights? Of course not! They'd be tearing them to shreds, as would everyone else.

It's not the job of phone companies to question the government, or decide what is and is not necessary in order for the nation to be secure. That's the government's job. If they did something wrong, then they have to be held accountable, not the companies that complied with their orders.

...

Thank you. This has only been a test. Had this been a real emergency, it would have been on TV, rather than on the internet.

NO BLOG WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A BEST AND WORST MOVIE RANT

How could I have gone so long without ranting about my favorite and least favorite movies? That, along with fascist/hippie political opinions (see above) is the primary purpose of blogs in general.

I'm going to break this down between a few posts, at allow for sufficient ranting, and in order to keep the list from being clogged with 80's comedies and film noir detective movies, I'm going by genre.

As a last note, some of these 'worst' movies aren't 'bad' per se, but simply insulted me on a personal, spiritual level. Some of them could probably even be considered by some as 'good', but if you turned them on while I was in the room, I'd march right out the front door, regardless if I was watching it at a good friend's house, bachelor party, or plane.

BEST ACTION/ADVENTURE

I've actually seperated the 'suspense', 'samurai/cowboy' and 'mystery' movies out of this genre, to list them seperately, and am defining 'action/adventure' as any movie where people fire guns while leaping through the air, crash cars intentionally, or spend a good amount of the movie running from things. Spielburg, I'm looking at you.

Honorable Mention: Drunken Master (1978)

No, not the 1994 version, but that's good too. The original Drunken Master was a triumph of low budget karate/action. Besides Jackie Chan, and the cost of a few stunt men, there really wasn't a budget at all. Regardless, Jackie treats us to hilarious comedy which translates well from culture to culture, nearly non-stop glorious action, and a final fight which is legendary. The funny thing is, the environment seems like 1800's China, but in the sequel, it's closer to modern China. The fact is, the movie works either way. It isn't about the setting, it's about ACTION ACTION ACTION!

Best Action Movie: Hot Fuzz (2007)

I absolutely adore this movie. Not only is it hilarious, entertaining and filled with ridiculous violence, but it keeps escalating. Instead of dragging along or tapering off, the movie just keeps getting better and better, all the way to the very end. It's nothing short of the greatest action movie ever made. Will Smith and Marin Lawrence would be proud...wait, they're not dead. They are proud then. They better be proud.

Didn't quite make the list, but still very good

Most of the Indiana Jones movies (they're all a little too slow in the middle, but still great)

Iron Man (A little light on action, but a fantastic movie none-the-less)

12 O'Clock High (Great war movie about WW2 daylight bombing, with real life footage)

Lethal Weapon 2 (A little too schticky, but otherwise great, especially the ending)

WORST ACTION/ADVENTURE

Dishonorable Mention: Water World (1995)

This movie is basically the exact opposite of entertainment. The action is dull, the plot twists make no sense, and the parts that aren't disgusting or ridiculous, are simply boring instead. If it weren't for a standout performance by Dennis Hopper, it would have been the worst action movie ever.

Worst Action Movie: Mortal Kombat 2

Yeah, get used to seeing sequels in the 'worst' parts of the list. Mortal Kombat 2 breaks several major sins by not only replacing most of the stars and revising the ending of the first movie, which I honestly enjoyed, but they also kill off the best character of the first movie in the first 5 minutes. This movie is complete garbage, with only two things to show for it: a few semi-hot actresses, and Tony Jaa, from Ong Bak. Yes, Liu Kang has some amazing karate moves and stunts throughout the movie, but they're all in thanks to his stunt double, Tony Jaa. Sorry Tony, your moves are great (especially at the end), but it's not enough to get us through this garbage.

BEST SPORTS MOVIE

I'll admit it, I'm not really into sports movies. There really are only three: the one where they win at the end, the one where they lose at the end, and the one where someone dies at the end. If you've seen one of each, you've pretty much seen them all. Still, here are my favorites.

Honorable Mention: Major League (1989)

Yeah, it's really closer to a straight comedy than a sports movie, which shows how little I appreciate the genre. Still, several standout performances by...well, just about everyone really. Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Charles Cyphers, and more. It's hilarious, sympathetic, and has a large number of really good characters as well.

Best Sports Movie: Any Given Sunday (1999)

Man, this movie only has a 6.5/10 rating on IMDB, but I swear, it blows me away. The dizzying, high stakes, violent world of Football is brilliantly portrayed by Oliver Stone, and Al Pacino steals the show as the team's coach. Like many good movies, it shows many different perspectives, to give you a good idea of the big picture. Sure, Stone lays it on thick, with over the top effects and symbolism, but it goes a long way to show you what the players are actually experiencing. As an added bonus, the big game at the end of the movie isn't really that 'big' a game in the grand scheme of things. It's only the first game of the play-offs, and win or lose, they don't really have a chance in hell of getting much further, and they know it. That doesn't stop them from giving it all they have, and playing as if it's more important than life itself. I can't fully understand that mind set, but I respect it.

Almost made it to the list:

Wildcats (Mediocre comedy, but that isn't the point. Goldie Hawn has a nude scene. And this was back when you wanted to see her naked. Nuff said. If you're a girl, then there's also Woody Harrelson's bare rear end, again when I assume you'd want to see it. There's something for everyone.)

WORST SPORTS MOVIE

Dishonorable Mention: Rudy (1993)

Yeah, yeah, quit your griping. I really liked the ending too. You know what I didn't like? The hour and fifteen minutes BEFORE the ending. This movie is slowwwwwwwww...

Worst Sports Movie: Aspen Extreme (1993)

1993 was just a really bad year for sports movies, I guess. Rather fittingly, the worst sports movie ever is also about the most boring sport ever. No, it's not about a race or competitive skiing. The competitors...get ready for this...skii in teams, criss crossing over eachother's path, like a double-helix or infinity symbol, as far as they can down a mountain.

That's it. Yes, the big triumphant scene at the end involves the heroes doing those criss-cross girly moves all the way down the mountain...slightly better than the bad guys. Be still my heart.

BEST FANTASY MOVIE

I decided to split sci-fi and fantasy...basically because the genres have nothing to do with eachother. The only reason they're grouped together in video stores is because they have the same geeky fan base, and there aren't enough 'good' examples of either genre to fill an entire shelf. Here we go.

Honorable Mention: Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Yes Pat...look at it...you can't deny it. Oh come on, didn't you love the Tom Bombadil scene? You know you did. ^_^

Anyway, this movie is fantastic, and easily my favorite of the trilogy. The characters, story, action and comedy all flow together in a complete package, and leaves you desperate for more. The sequels got a little bogged down by the over the top action and scenery though (especially after they got back to the ruined shire with the human invaders, where Merry and Pippen went all wire-fu on Wormtongue and Saruman).

Best Fantasy Movie: Labyrinth (1986)

Before we go on to Labyrinth, let me talk about 'Dark Crystal'. Dark Crystal is an amazing, if somewhat flawed movie. It's great because it created its own mythology from scrap, brough us amazing creatures and incredibly in-depth history and characters. Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal was an incredibly ambitious project created by a genius (Jim Hensen), aimed at a more mature audience, masterfully created, and likewise doomed to become a short-term commercial failure.

Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal lacked mass appeal, especially from the supposed target audience, young children. The story was dark and occassionally gruesome despite its brilliance, and the main gelfling characters are a little too disturbingly realistic for them to be cute. That being said, I'd marry Kira in a heartbeat.

The point is, Jim Hensen learned from his mistakes, and managed to take everything that was great about Dark Crystal, remove everything that didn't work, and put it all into Labyrinth. Not only did Jim Hensen direct, but Terry Jones (from Monty Python) wrote it. Now there's a tag team that can take over the world.

The visuals are absolutely stunning, the story is great, the special effects seem far more realistic than anything that's come out recently, because puppets look far more real than CGI. David Bowie does ham it up a bit, but with this role it's actually called for, and Jennifer Connelly plays her part so well that I keep forgetting it's Jennifer Connelly (even though she's the oldest 15 year old I've ever seen). Brilliant, imaginative, and thoroughly entertaining, all combined with Bowie's great music. There simply isn't anything not to like.

Nearly made it onto the list:

Ghostbusters (far more of a fantasy than a sci-fi, while dipping also into comedy and action/adventure, but overall a humorous fantasy and a timeless classic)

Willow (screw the nay sayers, I really liked Willow. It's dark, realistic, visually stunning, and it's Val Kilmer's best performance ever)

Mirror Mask (incredibly original, with great performances, a beautiful soundtrack, and a perfect blend of fantasy and reality. Stephen Fry's guest spot as the 'historian' is classic. Believe it or not, he managed it in only one take, with a brief interruption in the middle for a call to his mother. LOOK! AN IDIOT!)

WORST FANTASY MOVIE

Dishonorable Mention: Time Bandits (1981)

Some people swear by this gross, ridiculous, confusing cluster-fuck of a movie, although I'm not sure why. I was a kid when I first saw this, and I didn't understand or enjoy a single thing. I saw it again as an adult and understood half of it and enjoyed only one thing (the hilariously anti-climactic end battle). This movie was admittedly original, and did a lot with relatively little, but that's Terry Gilliam's hallmark. Nothing, however, excuses the fact that the characters are forgettable, that the plot dips a little too far away from farce and into stupidity, and the ending didn't resolve or explain anything.

Half of Terry Gilliam's movies are like a fart in the face. Some people might find that hilarious, but I think it's juvenille, especially since the audience is on the receiving end.

Worst Fantasy Movie: Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)

What the hell is it with 1993?! Anyway, you probably haven't heard of it unless you're a fan of MST3K, but let me assure you, there's nothing really to see here, besides an adequate 'I'm doing this for the paycheck' performance by David Warner, better known as the villain from Tron, Irenicus from Baldur's Gate 2, and virtually every other B movie you can think of. This Emmy winning actor never turned down a part in his life, but he's great for adding a little class and sophistication to an otherwise mediocre movie or show.

Delta Knights obviously wanted the most bang for their buck, because they have him portray two...that's right, two of the characters in the movie. No, the characters aren't related, they just decided to use him as the young hero's mentor, and after throwing on a black wig, had him play the villain as well. I think we even have a movie 'first' when his villain character kills his hero character.

No wait, Gene Wilder did the same thing in 'Start the Revolution Without Me'. We can't even give Delta Knights that.

Calling this pile a crap a fantasy is a stretch, but what else could it be called? Anyway, the clothes and sets are straight out of a renaissance faire...and not even a good one, the script was most likely written over a long lunch break, and the characters are thoroughly unlikeable. The hero is stupid, the sidekick is a soulless horndog (who's supposed to be Leonardo Da Vinci...who was a horndog I guess...just not for women), and the missing princess is discovered to be working as a prostitute.

Yes, the movie goes to lengths to say she was 'forced' into it, but not only didn't she seem very 'forced', as there was absolutely nothing preventing her from walking right out the door, but she also seemed quite content, healthy and successful in her 'trade'. In fact, she was eagerly trying to talk the 12-13 year old hero into bed when she met him.

Needless to say, I'm not buying it...still, I can definitely see the way that situation could happen. The heroes walk in, find the princess sitting on the lap of a sailor, laughing hysterically, only to suddenly announce after seeing her would be rescuers, "Oh no! Just look at what I'm being forced in to! Thank goodness the heroes are here to free me from my horrible predicament!" Yeah, sure honey. She made Paris Hilton look 'reluctant'.

The above rant is the only joy I got out of that movie.

Well that's it for this week. Next week's genre: porn. ^_^

2008-06-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

TA DA! (and afterward)

I FINALLY finished writing 'Kutztown', which has taken far too long, mostly due to countless re-edits. I'd get about finished, and realize that the stuff I wrote earlier wasn't very good, so I had to start over and by then the rest didn't look so good...did I ever tell you why the computer programmer died in the shower?

The shampoo instructions said: wash, rinse, repeat.

Anyway, here's the link to the chapters. I still need to edit them a bit more (based on reviewer's feedback), but for all intensive purposes, it's finished:

Kutztown

Painfully Sweet

(I make no apologies for the inherent bitterness below. ^_^)

Okay, after suffering yet another painful lash at the hands of an unassuming woman, I must at least give an attempt at explaining something to all the women out there.

There are just some things you don't call a man, especially if you're a woman. The problem is, these words aren't always obvious.

Men don't have a problem being called scum. Tell them they're jerks, assholes, or human garbage, and they won't blink an eye. Inform us that you're seriously considering paying a man a large sum of money to murder us in our sleep, and we'll just keep eating our lunch.

No, the real killing words (that's right, I'm going for the Dune references) aren't so obvious. Below I've listed a adjective you don't want to attach to a man unless you really want to crush his soul, and burn his self-esteem into a tiny black cinder:

Nice.

Never tell a man he's 'nice', unless you actually want to destroy him, and if that's the case, you can follow up by viciously informing him he's...

Great.

OOOOOF! Man, I can still feel the sting from that one. Of course if you really want to put him out for the night, as he's staggering helplessly on his feet, desperate to salvage any sort of self worth, finish him off Muhammad Ali style with...

You're such a sweet guy.

That's it. Referee desperately dives in the way, to stop the beating. The man is twitching helplessly on the floor while the press dives in to interview you, Rocky IV style.

This information will probably surprise most women, as these words were obviously meant as compliments, to build up the man's self esteem. Why would it have the exact opposite effect?

To put it bluntly, men are shallow, simple creatures. We're basically all juvenille misfits with egos as fragile as glass, and I guarantee you, no man cares too much about 'how wonderful a person he is'.

What do they care about then? That women find them attractive. If not attractive, then at least appealing in some sort of romantic context.

Paradoxically, it doesn't really matter if it comes from a woman the man would ever actually sleep with. That's why you get middle aged suburban men sucking their gut in at the beach, when college girls walk by. Those men don't actually believe the college girls would ever give them their number, and they wouldn't (most likely, I can't speak for all men) call them in any case.

Men are childish, insecure and need to feel sexually appealing. There's no way of making that sound like an achievement, but there it is.

So why are the words 'nice', 'great' and 'sweet' such downers?

Okay, stop and think about those words for a moment. Focus on the part of your mind that contains those words. Imagine them as a column of words, with no doubt also contains words like 'considerate', 'helpful', and 'kind'.

Can you see the title of that column? If not, I can read it for you:

TRAITS WOMEN WISH ALL MEN HAD, BUT HAVE ZERO SEX APPEAL IN THEMSELVES

These aren't the traits of the dashing, handsome, one-eyed hero found in romance novels. These of the traits of the protagonist's 'good friend' who no doubt loves the protagonist, but is perfectly understanding when he gets dumped in favor of the far sexier hero. This is the column of Bill Pullman, rather than Tom Hanks. Jimmy Olsen, rather than Clark Kent. Milhouse, rather than Nelson. That guy in Hellboy who wasn't Hellboy, rather than Hellboy. This is their list.

What happens to these poor guys? Well, if the author is a woman, she usually pairs him off with a random less appealing girl (who probably doesn't have a chance in hell with the main guy, so the theory can work both ways), usually created solely for the purpose of giving them a girlfriend, or as we in the industry like to call it: 'Rowling-ed' or perhaps 'Ranma-ed'.

If the author is a man, the rejected guy usually gets killed. From a male perspective, this is usually kinder.

Nonesense, you're probably saying. Any girl would want a guy to have these obviously positive qualities. In response to that, I give these 3 pieces of evidence:

1. Women don't want men who have these qualities, they want THEIR men to have these qualities. They want these qualities instilled in the men they're already with, which only proves that the men they do go out with usually never have these qualities to begin with.

In fact this situaion often leads to the paradoxial phrase: 'I wish I could go out with a guy more like you.' This always has the added subliminal message, 'but not you, specifically'. Yes, she's saying exactly what it sounds like: 'I wish I could find a guy who has your positive qualities, but none of your negative ones.' Apparently, this is meant as some sort of compliment, but I'm not sure why or how.

2. Every man has this inherent, genetically instilled insecurity. So where are the men who don't have it? Well, they obviously all died out millions of years ago. Our juvenille, insecure nature is a testament to the fact that every guy who felt perfectly content with being a 'good friend' all died without mating. Ladies, Darwin is against you on this one.

Imagine a woman talking to a man, and describing her current boyfriend as an uncaring, insensitive asshole. Oh, I bet you can even imagine the guy she's talking to, as she tells him that she loves his qualities, and wishes her jerk boyfriend had them. Finally, she breaks up with the jerk boyfriend. Who does she go out with now? Does she follow through with what she said?

Of course not! 45% chance she's now going out with an identicaly jerk boyfriend, 45% chance she's gotten back together with a previous (or the same) jerk boyfriend, and 10% she's sworn off dating altogether. The punchline being, of course, that the 'sensitive' guy was already disqualified. He was disqualified the second she met him. If he wasn't disqualified, she wouldn't be talking to him about it. Why was he disqualified, and the men his female friend describes as 'horrible' rated so much higher?

A nearly infinite number of books have been written on the subject, but I think the answer's simple: in part, the decision was made for her, by a part of her brain she isn't willing to admit even exists. I'm not saying that part of the brain decided for her who she was going to date, but there's a very good chance it decided for her who she WASN'T going to date.

Men are no better, of course, but men have the exact opposite brain effect. For men, that part of the brain is thrown in reverse.

So men want to sleep with the sensitive friend rather than the attractive bad one?

No, they want to sleep with both!

...and those girl's sisters...and their 40something year old mothers...and the lady who brings the mail to their house...and possibly her mother too.

That's why men can't understand why women wouldn't be interested in a man they like. To help illustrate, here's the same sentence said by both a man and a woman, with the true meaning in parantheses:

WOMAN: "You're such a caring person."

(I will not date you, but I want you to keep acting the same way, regardless)

MAN: "You're such a caring person."

(Let's fuck)

3. This is the most vital point:

I'm almost certainly wrong.

Some or all of what I've said most likely has no basis in reality. It doesn't matter. What's important is that men BELIEVE all this. We can't help it.

When we hear that we're kind, nice, sweet, or a great friend and wonderful guy, you're more likely to drive us to drink than boost our esteem.

So what's the answer? Just as with pets, the solution is to reward behavior, rather than giving them labels.

When a guy does what you want them to do, tell them you think the BEHAVIOR is nice, kind or sweet. They're not a 'sweet' person, but what they're doing is very 'sweet'. Say that you really like it when men do that particular thing, or act that particular way. This is also the reason guys already in relationships tend to turn into jerks.

What happens when you tell a dog that he's 'good', when he isn't doing anything? The dog might be happy, but the dog also gets lazy, because he no longer has to work for your approval. If you withold the treat until they actually are in the process of doing something good, then they work for it, and you're both happy.

So why do 'nice' guys get bitter? We never get any treats. Oh, and the starchy, diet 'I'm sure you'll someday make a woman very happy' treats don't cut it. The high sugar 'you're looking very nice today' treats are good though. The high in unsaturated fat 'let me introduce you to my friend/sister/cousin' treats work great too. The 'you'll make a very good father' treat can also work, as long you don't throw in 'for some woman' onto it (the equivalent of balancing the treat on his nose).

Don't tell us we're good, reward us for being good. The difference is often subtle, but trust me, it makes all the difference in the world.

Just don't get us fixed (translation: tell us that you like us, but not in that way), it's kinder just to put us down (translation: shoot us in the head).

Always half kidding,

Max

2008-05-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

LEVELS THAT WILL DRIVE YOU TO HATE ALL PLUMBERS

MSN just came out with a list of the 5 hardest video game levels of all time. Apparently, without free open access to Burma crisis, they're falling back on good old reliable top # lists.

The only problem is...these aren't the hardest levels of all time. Okay, two of them are, which is more than I usually expect out of the media, but the other three they list are:

1. A 24 hour level of Gran Turismo that no one's supposed to actually play.

2. A level of Call of Duty 4...which I've admittedly never played, but I've never heard anyone complain about it, and in the comments people mentioned that there are much harder levels in the same game.

3. A Nintendo Club House sliding puzzle. I sincerely hope it's not the puzzle in the picture, because I solved that just by staring at it for a moment. Those puzzles are pure simplicity when compared to Professor Layton's...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yes, I am going to geek out, and present the REAL hardest levels of all time, and to re-afirm my status as a Renaissance geek, I'm extending the list to 20.

Oh, and I'm not using the word 'real' lightly. I mean 'real' like in the 'REAL' Ghostbusters. That's right, my list is Egon, and theirs is a large ape in a Fedora.

Before we start though, let me explain why certain levels/games didn't make it on the list:

'NINTENDO THUMB: I came up with this phrase after playing Blaster Master for a while. It's a great game, but without a save or password feature. So if you wanted to beat it, you had to basically play for an entire day straight, and still possibly get your ass handed to you by the end boss. Like the 'Gran Turismo level', just because a level is really long, doesn't mean it's difficult.

'NON-ISOLATED DIFFICULTY': Just because a game is hard, doesn't mean particular levels are hard. Good examples are Kid Icarus, Ghouls and Ghosts, and Ikaruga. The games are extremely hard, but no particular level is any harder than any other. They're just really hard games.

'UNFAIR': Some levels are just unfair, requiring 'try and fail' rather than actual skill. A few examples are lvl 1 of Boy and his Blob, and most of The Immortal.

'SEPERATE GAMES': Lufia 2 and Tobal have 'quest modes' that go on forever, but they aren't really levels, but seperate games in themselves.

'SAVE': A level really isn't that hard if you can save every step of the way. This disqualifies most modern FPS's, like Half-life and Halo.

'TRICK': Some levels seem impossible, but then you find out years later that there was a trick to beating them. Remember carnival nights zone in Sonic 2? Remember those dreaded spinning platforms? You're supposed to press down. No, not jump, just press down on the controller. Quickman stage? It's not quite so hard with Flashman's power...it's still tough, but not mind wrackingly difficult. Oh, and those fireberry caves in Kyrandia? The berries don't go out if you place them on the ground. Yeah, I nearly keeled over when I found out that secret. I've still got a map somewhere that I had to draw to get through that damn level.

'GRIND': Yes, Final Fantasy 3, Final Fantasy Tactics, the Fire Emblem series, and Shining Force series are difficult, but not when you grind levels like crazy. Nothing's difficult when you're free to get up to lvl 99. It's just tedious.

'GOOD ENDING': Some games aren't that hard to beat, per se, but it's difficult to get the good ending, like in Psychic Detective, Castlevania 2, and Ogre Battle. Yes, perhaps it's difficult to beat a level in a specific way, to get a better ending, but that doesn't make the level itself hard, unless it's the only way to beat it.

So, without furter ado, here we go, from least suicide-inducing, to games that make you wonder if it's possible to slit your wrists with a Mach 4:

20. JEOPARDY (NES)

Alright, it's not really a level in the general sense, but I had to throw this question a bone.

'What actor starred as the lead in the movies Terminator, Predator and Commando?'

I bet you know, right?

Great, now spell it correctly.

You have 60 seconds.

No pausing.

19. PROFESSOR LAYTON AND THE CURIOUS VILLAGE (DS) PUZZLE #135

A sliding block puzzle that puts all other sliding block puzzles to shame. This puzzle makes that Nintendo Clubhouse puzzle look like a kid's toy. The only reason it didn't rate higher is because you effectively have unlimited moves, and can eventually get it just by guessing...if you've got several hours to spare.

18. MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE (PC) HARPSICHORD PUZZLE

Now here's a puzzle you can't even guess through. It's one of the last puzzles in the game, and enough to drive you mad. It's not as simple as hitting the right notes, you have to figure out which notes stand for other notes, and each note is a Monty Python quote. It's basically a secret code made out of quotes...let's just say it's really frickin hard.

17. DRAGON'S LAIR (ARCADE) TWO SPINNING HAMMERS

For the life of me, I can't find rhyme or reason to this level. There's two spinning hammers...which he could crawl underneath, but that's beside the point. Anyway, there are two spinning hammers, with a bad guy on the other side. You have to time it so he doesn't get hit by the hammers, but they move so fast that I can't tell. I usually have to wing it, and hope for the best. It'd rank higher, but the level is really easy after that point.

16. GOLGO 13 (NES) UNDERWATER NAZI BASE

I forget the exact number of the level, but you have to first navigate a complicated maze, and then fight your way past incredibly difficult Nazis on flying platforms. It's easy to get killed...and then it's right back to the start of the maze. Doesn't rank higher because you can avoid the enemies in most cases, so it becomes more tedious then difficult.

15. SUPER MARIO BROTHERS (NES) LEVEL 8-4

Here's the first taste of pure frustration and defeat most of us older gamers felt when we were young (outside of the school yard). This level was a monster, and the hammer brother right before King Koopa was arguably harder than the big man himself. If you showed up as small Mario, you were as good as dead. It doesn't rank harder because we all eventually beat it. It was just a royal pain.

14. LEGEND OF ZELDA 2 (NES) FINAL TEMPLE

This level almost got disqualified for the ability to grind levels (a first and last for Link), but this level was a monster. Secret walls, numerous opportunities for death, infinite loops, and TWO BOSSES at the end. The first you needed enough magic to cast Thunder, or you couldn't win, and the second was your own shadow, who fought with the skill of a master. In all ways, this level was rough, although not impossible, with patience.

13. STARSHIP TITANIC (PC) PARROT PUZZLE

Easily the second hardest 'point and click puzzle' (we'll get to the hardest later), it was not only completely unintuitive, but you had to bait the parrot not away from his stand, not out of his cage, but to the EDGE of the stand, and to do this you needed a chicken prepared EXACTLY the way he wants it, and have no doubt, he'll be sending you back numerous times to fix it, and then you have to figure out how to warm it up, and then, and ONLY THEN, you can steal his perch, but only if you do it right, otherwise it's back to square one.

As a side note, when you save the damaged AI at the end of the game, she actually apologizes for the parrot. Yes, this is the kind of puzzle that the game designers apologize for afterwards.

12. RESIDENT EVIL 2 (PLAYSTATION) TOFU

Granted, it's a special level you have to unlock, created in response to a fan's video, where they beat Resident Evil 1 in two hours, using no weapon besides the knife. Most people would simply laugh and point at the loser, but the creators felt the need to reply with a mini-game. It's basically the same as the 'Hunk' mini-game, only you have healing items, no weapon besides the knife, and...you're a block of tofu. I...guess in Japan that's the equivalent of the middle finger. I don't know. Anyway, it's nearly impossible, unless you're a geek who beat the original using...well, you get the idea.

11. TMNT (NES) FINAL STAGE

The final stage of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the hardest stage in a ludicrously difficult game, given the age of their average fan. Not only is there no save or password, but you can't stock up on extra lives either, since if a turtle runs out of health, he's captured until you free him, which can be several levels later.

Anyway, the only reason it wasn't disqualified is because the last level is nearly impossible, especially Shredder, the final boss. The only reason the game isn't listed higher is because you can effectively grind by stocking up on 99 scrolls per turtle, which are the super weapon of the game, making the last level at least somewhat possible.

10. LEGACY OF THE WIZARD (NES) MOTHER'S STAGE

No one's ever beaten this game. I hear people make claims, but I don't believe them. The labyrinth is neverending, it's quite easy to get trapped and have no way out, and you constantly have to go back to the start, to change characters. To make it worse, it often isn't clear which level is intended for which character until it's too late! In all my years playing, I've only found one of the four crowns, and I'm not willing to believe there are any more.

Anyway, of all the levels, the one intended for the Mother of the family is the hardest, simply because she's the least useful of the characters, and her flight ability is slow, and really not any better than the sister's ability to jump higher.

9. NINJA GAIDEN (NES) LAST STAGE

A monstrously long and nearly impossible level, culminating it a fairly difficult final boss. Oh, and death at any point leads to a one way ticket back to the beginning of the stage. Ah, they made you work for the 'THE END' back in those days...

8. SPACE CHANNEL 5 (DREAMCAST) LAST STAGE

A 'simon says' puzzle game that makes Parappa hang his head in shame. Not only is it fast...not only is it difficult...but when you get to the final boss...you have to press the directions OPPOSITE the ones he's saying. Left means right, etc...

Now that's cruel.

7. FRIDAY THE 13TH (NES) FINAL RESURRECTION

Now here's a game that's designed to kill you. Jason is every bit as difficult in the game as he is in the movies, no doubt. He's fast, brutal, and will kill your backup team members if you let him. In what other NES game does the villain murder innocent children with impunity?

Anyway, Jason is incredibly tough, lightning fast, and can appear at virtually any moment in the game. His third incarnation is the toughest, and if you can't find the pitchfork, you don't have a chance of beating him.

6. PSYCHONAUTS (XBOX & PS@) FINAL LEVEL

A generally simple, fun and hilarious game becomes murderously difficult in its final stage. A single missed jump can send you all the way back to square one, and if you haven't absolutely mastered your abilities, you don't stand a chance. I love this game, but I honestly still haven't beaten the final level.

AND NOW...THE TOP 5!

SUSPENSE!

5. GUITAR HERO 3 (MOST OF THE NEXT GEN SYSTEMS) DRAGONFORCE

This one made it to the MSN list, and it definitely deserves to be there. No human being was meant to play the guitar this quickly. No one.

The only reason it isn't ranked higher is because it's only horrifyingly difficult on hard or expert level. On medium level, it's merely terrifyingly difficult, which is still enough to get it in the top 5.

I could go on to list Jordan in this list as well, but I think we'll restrict Guitar Hero to a single spot, since each sequel is essentially an expansion for the original game.

4. BATTLETOADS (NES) STAGE 3: THE BIKE STAGE

This level is nothing short of legendary. There's essentially less than half a second to predict if you have to press up, down or jump, and gamers still shudder upon recollecting it. Ironically, the later levels were nowhere as difficult, but you'd have to be masochistic to get through level 3...which I did. The fact I've actually beaten this level (but not without incredible effort) stops it from going higher than four.

3. KING'S QUEST 5 (PC) CAT CHASING MOUSE OUTSIDE PIE SHOP

*Max drinks slug of Vodka*

Okay...if we rate by sheer frustration, this level, which is essentially a single screen, takes the cake. I swear, Roberta Williams will pay for this.

The screen seems simple enough. There's a cat, chasing a mouse. Take too long, and the cat will catch the mouse, and kill it.

Now, you may not be shocked to learn that your life depends on saving that mouse, and you might not be surprised to hear that you need to find a special item to do so. What may surprise you is that there's two ways for you to ensure it's impossible to win the game on this screen...

...AND YOU HAVE NO WAY OF EVER KNOWING THAT YOU CAN'T WIN, AND WHY!

Yes, you can go for ten hours trying to find a way through the game, and not know you can't win, all because of that hungry feline. I hate that fucking cat. I mince no words about it.

If the cat kills the mouse, you have no way of being freed from the kidnapping innkeeper, which is the only way of finding rope in the game.

No problem, right? You find a stick, and throw it at the cat, and save the mouse, right?

You just lost the game.

Apparently, that's the only stick in the entire fucking forest. No, by leaping to the obvious conclusion, you've doomed yourself to start from scratch. No, you need a boot.

No, you can't take off your own boot. You have to find a boot all on its own. Where do you find it?

In the middle of a brigand filled desert, surrounded by scorpions.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

So, since you didn't want to take off your shoe, and that stick is the only stick to have in the tree filled kingdom, you must brave a horrible desert...find the boot...and use it to kill the cat before it gets the mouse.

I'll fall short of calling a Jyhad on Roberta Williams, but only 'just' short. A regular Vendetta will do just fine.

2. MIKE TYSON'S PUNCH OUT (NES) MIKE TYSON

The MSN list got this right. When I was young, the real measure of your ability was if you could beat Super Macho Man. Most players accepted him as the 'End Boss'. Mike Tyson himself was ridiculous. A single punch knocked you down, and you only had a split second to dodge his strikes, which he signaled...not with the exaggerated outstretched arms that the other bosses used...but with a single blink of an eye. For the first round or so, you have no chance of hitting him. Later on, he'll tire down (just like real life actually...during his peak, Tyson was only invincible at the start of the match), his punches will only rob you of 'half' your life bar, and you can possibly take him out.

If you do, my hat's off to you. There's only one level in any videogame harder...

1. SESAME STREET 1-2-3 (NES) ERNIE'S MAGICAL SHAPE CHALLENGE

How the fuck am I supposed to know what a square looks like?

JUST KIDDING

1. CALL OF CTHULU (XBOX) HOTEL RAID

Call of Cthulu is a great, underappreciated gem, which mainly goes unappreciated because 98% of its players haven't gotten past the first hour of the game. Just as the action begins to start, you're awoken in your hotel by the approach of villagers.

It starts with a relatively long cut-scene, which you have to watch every single time. From that point, if the villagers make it into the same room as you, you're dead, as you don't have any weapons yet.

I'm not sure what made the game designers think this level was appropriate near the beginning of the game. It wouldn't be so hard, but in order to survive you must follow an exact number of steps, executed perfectly, without wasting even a single second, and I'm not exaggerating. Even a single mistake will result in death, and then you'll have to watch the cut-scene and try again.

Basically, you have to leave the room, bolt the door (there's no auto-target, or way to know you're looking directly at the bolt by the way, so if the game decides you're looking at the door and not the bolt, it opens the door, and you're dead), bolt the neighboring door, push dressers in the way, climb out onto ledges, jump from building to building, and ANY hesitation what-so-ever will result in death.

This level literally kills the game. I've had long, drawn out discussions with geeks over the best ways through, and even those ways take almost hundreds of tries to pull off.

After that, the game's normal. What the hell was wrong with the designers? By comparison, that Call of Duty level might as well be Cutman's stage.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to overdose on geekiness. If I don't make it to a hospital in 15 minutes, I'll be checking episodes of Enterprise for continuity errors, signing an online petition to renew Firefly, and writing about old video games in my weekly blog...

Oh oh.

2008-04-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

Dang...can't think of anything to say this week...uh...the only Popeyes chicken I'm aware of in New Jerey became a Nathans...isn't that...exciting?

Man, I'm off my groove. I blame work, like I usually do. ^_^

Here's something I wrote when more coherent, that always makes me laugh. It's a sci-fi comedy that could only come from watching too many episodes of Star Trek. Enjoy!

RED ALERT

"Sir, an unidentified alien ship of unknown design is approaching us from the Vega quadrant!"

"Shoot it."

"Yes sir!"

The crew turned towards the screen in anticipation.

BOOM!

There was a light cheer from the deck as the colorful explosion erupted onto the screen. There's no sound in space of course, but the captain pressed the 'BOOM!' sound effect button just as the alien ship vaporized. A few of the geeks measured the explosion and checked the tables of their fantasy space war teams as the rest of the crew went on with their lives.

The only one not celebrating was the captain. This was serious. He'd have to put all other things on hold and deal with this immediately.

"Lieutenant Gibbs, I need to see you in my office, right now."

Gibbs stopped checking his notes and strode immediately into the Captain's office. Don was gazing thoughtfully out his window at the vastness of space. Occasionally a random piece of debris would reflect off the window, usually either a small meteor, piece of the alien ship, or an empty pack of cigarettes.

Don noticed that one of the packs was only half empty. It was his favorite brand too. Could he send someone out to get them? He’s captain after all, it’s not like they…nah, on second thought, that was far too demeaning a task to make anyone do. Besides, there were more important matters at hand.

"Gibbs, we've talked about your shouting."

The Lieutenant looked a little uncomfortable and nervous, despite the fact that he was a full foot taller, thirty pounds lighter and twenty years younger than the captain. Of course, standing in the captain’s office was intimidating enough to scare anyone, as upon his desk were a jar filled with medals, a modified hand blaster, and the skull of his evil twin.

Gibbs wringed his hands behind his back and stammered,

"Unknown aliens...were approaching us from..."

Captain Donald happily interrupted him, a smile upon his face. He loved being angry.

"Yes! Yes! Aliens of an unknown type were approaching us from parts unknown and it’s our job to BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Listen, we don't have to fly off the handle just because some nobody aliens are rushing us. You know very well that things have been a lot different since they passed the ANCA..."

...

The ANCA, or 'Absolutely No Crap Amendment' was unanimously voted in by the entire United Federation of Planets two years prior. It was introduced long before then, but it was voted down nearly unanimously year after year, right up until the year Earth successfully ejected every other planet from the Federation besides themselves. The ANCA imposed the following twelve restrictions upon all other alien races:

LAW 1: Knock it off.

LAW 2: Absolutely no more Galactic Senates. They suck.

LAW 3: Check with us before doing ANYTHING.

LAW 4: No psychic powers that involve melding minds...in fact, don't touch us at all.

LAW 5: No fair looking human. Grow horns or something.

LAW 6: We end all communications that begin with 'We're not so different'.

LAW 7: No universal consciousness hippie shit.

LAW 8: Our blasters no longer have stun settings. Not a law, but a friendly FYI.

LAW 9: Either use mechanical translators or learn Universal Standard (Spanish).

LAW 10: We reserve the right to slap you on a whim.

LAW 11: Shut up.

LAW 12: Go to bed.

...

"But sir! We can't just..."

"Yes we can! That's the whole point, Gibbs! Any ship that comes up without hailing you is going to either attack us or have a monster on board!”

Gibbs had heard such statements before…from every other member of the crew for that matter…but he wasn’t about to give up so easily.

“But sir, what if it’s a friendly race that needs our help?”

Captain Don stared up at the poor naïve fool. He’d been reading too many independent holo-news programs, no doubt. Don shook his head and stated matter-of-factly,

“It’s been well documented that every alien race is either evil, useless, or insane.”

The captain was more or less quoting the Universal Encyclopedia, volume A, word for word.

“Even if they didn’t mean to kill us, then they’d just be useless idiots anyway! Be it space plague, planet sized monsters or creator races back to show us the error of our ways, it's always Earth that has to save the day! Remember the Synoks?"

"But sir..."

"REMEMBER THE SYNOKS?"

Lieutenant Gibbs looked down at his well polished boots as his Captain continued,

"One race of giant bugs terrorized the ENTIRE galaxy for a millennia. Thousands of planets feared total annihilation. The entire Galactic Senate’s military force was eliminated to an alien. All seemed hopeless and bleak, until a SINGLE Earth ship came into orbit and within FORTY-TWO MINUTES..."

BEEP

Captain Donald rubbed the top of his bald head and pressed against his temples,

"For the love of...yes?"

A screen on the wall flicked on, revealing a beautiful, dark haired, middle aged woman. Don forced himself to smile and act pleasantly (as per the court order) as he responded to his ex-wife,

"Yesssssssssss?"

She stared at the captain with an annoyed smirk, responding with an expectant,

"Yes..."

The captain rolled his eyes and attempted to greet her again,

"Mrs. Johans..."

"Miss."

"YES, MISS JOHANSSON?"

Miss Johansson gave a cheerful little grin, paused for a moment longer and then finally answered,

"The potential alien ambassadors have been waiting seven hours for their screening, which is..."

"Yes, yes...Graves is hosting, right?"

Miss Robinson closed her eyes and began to purr.

"Mmmmmm…yeah."

Gibbs could hear the captain's teeth scrape and strain against each other, but Don held his legally required smile like a pro. His ex-wife gave a pleasant chuckle and added,

"Oh you two always get along so well! He was such a great help to us when we were having problems during our marriage...well, more of a help to me...”

"YES! Very good! Just give him clearance to handle it himself.”

Miss Johansson didn’t seem to be hearing him though. She seemed dreamily lost in thought as she continued,

“…and more to the end of the marriage...”

“YES! Very…”

“…and mostly during lunch breaks…"

“OFF!"

The screen went blank.

Ah 'OFF'. They could legally drive him to insanity, but that couldn't take away his 'OFF'. The Captain kicked his feet up onto his desk and muttered to Gibbs,

"Seven hours...man...I only meant to keep them waiting six."

Gibbs scratched the side of his cheek and pondered,

“Shouldn’t you handle this yourself sir? They will be representing their respective species.”

Donald almost forgot he was chewing out the Lieutenant. Gibbs really should’ve ducked out of the room during the distraction. Hell, that’s how Don made it to Captain. Well, that and blackmail.

Before continuing the brow beating, the captain casually replied,

“Lieutenant Graves knows how to handle delicate situations like these.”

...

“I WILL PERSONALLY EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GODDAMN SPACE LIZARDS THAT SO MUCH AS LOOKS AT ME FUNNY!”

The large, cold ship hanger went from being filled with the sound of angry alien muttering, to dead silence. Every last potential ambassador stared at the young, grim faced human in front of them. His complexion was darker than most of the other humans, and his hair was cut almost all the way to his scalp, but what the aliens noticed more than anything else were his wide, furious eyes.

“FORM A LINE!”

As the aliens quickly shuffled into a line (and briefly argued over their respective positions within said line), Graves continued,

“As you various space monsters may be well aware, we are in a space hanger. As you freaks of the cosmos…”

A gray, squat being stepped out of line and declared, in broken Universal Standard,

“How dare you! My civilization has ten thousand years of…”

Graves fired his blaster into the air. Technology was at the point that blasters made no sound, but Graves had rigged his to make it ring out like a shotgun. When the room was silent once more, the tall, young Lieutenant called back,

“What your civilization HAS is another YEAR before it can apply again! OUT!”

The captain may have had OFF, but Graves had OUT. Out were two large guards, each carefully trained in the subtle art of dragging people away. They were both human, but their appearance and builds were more similar to hairless gorillas. Graves found the one on the left working in a prison, and the one on the right starting a fight in a bar. The remaining potential ambassadors kept quiet.

“As you various creatures may be aware of is that I, and every other employee of the United Federation within this room, are wearing what we call SPACE SUITS. That way, if anything bad happens, such as an attempted attack, alien virus, or bomb goes off or whatever…all we have to do is open the hanger door, and everything in this room flushes out into space. Shuttles pick up the living one by one, and then bat the corpses into the nearest sun. BEGIN!”

After a moment of confusion, the first ambassador stepped up, flush with anger. The alien (of the Giopi race) knew that the human’s tirade couldn’t possibly be focused upon his incredibly powerful and influential race. Regardless, he had been forced to wait for seven hours, and that was far too much for a great Giopian to bear. The giant, featherless duck waddled up to the Lieutenant and began, with his beak in the air,

“Listen human, while your race were mere apes in the trees, the invincible army of…”

WHAM!

Graves dropped the ambassador with a single punch, stepped over his unconscious body, shook his slightly numb hand, and then faced the next applicant, who resembled a slightly nervous bipedal cow,

“Uh…well I…”

“Too slow. Back of the line.”

The cow fidgeted and looked around, uncertain. Graves restated himself,

“BACK OF THE LINE!”

The alien rushed back, as a barely dressed, mostly human looking (only with ridiculously long ears), beautiful female ambassador slipped forward. Her slender stomach was bare and exposed, her chest was barely concealed, her legs were draped in the finest nearly transparent cloth, her feet were bear, and her hair was long and as black as outer space. The gorgeous potential ambassador placed her slender hands upon Grave’s shoulders and cooed,

“I am of the Erothi, and we shall happily perform any task that you and your race reARGHHH!”

Graves gripped upon her hair with one hand and her jaw with the other, forcing her mouth open. He then carefully examined the many rows of large, jagged teeth within her mouth. Graves nodded and muttered,

“Carnivorous females, eat males after mating, yadda yadda yadda…”

It was nothing he hadn’t seen before. Graves casually tossed her aside, and ‘out’ held her off as she viciously snapped her teeth in Graves’ direction.

Graves skipped the next few,

“Ugly…lizard…doing the evil ‘tapping fingertips together’ in front of face…”

He stopped in front of a small furry bear, not much larger than a human child. It smiled meekly and held up a single yellow flower towards the Lieutenant.

Without a word, Graves lengthened his stride and stepped over it completely, bumping into a giant bear-elephant looking alien in the process. In response, the beastly creature gave Graves a small shove back.

Graves’ blaster leaped to his hand (modifying the gun to leap was tricky, but worth it) and he shoved it into the disgusting creature’s face. The creature gave a snort and replied, in a thick accent,

“What?”

Graves gave a small chuckle (but didn’t smile) as he called back,

“What?”

The other ambassadors, and ‘out’, watched expectantly, as the two began calling back to each other,

“WHAT?!”

“WHAT?!!”

“WHAT?!!!”

“WHAT?!!!!”

“WHAT?!!!!”

Graves took a deep breath. He was dying for a cigarette. He sneered at the giant space monster’s small beady eyes and announced,

“You’re alright.”

An ensign frantically ran up, handed the giant alien a welcome packet, and then ushered him towards the ‘welcome’ room. The alien didn’t budge until the ensign assured it that there was food there. The alien behind it, a weird buggy creature, then began flapping all six of his arms in the air, crying out,

“That’s my body guard! He isn’t applying for…”

Graves’ face tightened up again.

“Are you insulting my new friend?”

“I, uh…”

“BACK OF THE LINE!”

The next alien was almost human, albeit a bit more amphibious, and wore a mask over his face, to help him breathe the air in the ship’s environment.

Graves yanked it off with a single tug.

As the creature fiddled with it, desperately trying to get it re-attached, the lieutenant rolled his eyes and announced to all the potential ambassadors,

“If you can’t breathe oxygen, then you’re just not trying hard enough.”

Graves shoved the panicked creature back, stretched his neck, ignored the hovering brain, waved in the floating ball of light without a word, and as the ensign tried to figure out how to hand the energy-being a packet, Graves found himself in front of the cow again.

“We of the Vorlon Sphere…”

Graves decided to show a little mercy. It couldn’t be easy, being a cow. As the alien began to ramble, the Lieutenant twirled his right hand in the ‘wrap it up’ motion.

“Trade with half of known…”

Graves extended his hand a mere inch from the creature’s face.

“Stop there. Trade? Weapons? Agricultural? Technology?”

“All three actual…”

Graves whistled and pointed at the Cow. As the ensign rushed up to give the alien a packet, Graves stepped up to the same bug creature from before. The lieutenant’s face flushed with rage, as he howled,

“YOU COULDN’T GET IN FRONT OF THE COW?! WHAT THE HELL IS HUMANITY SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A RACE THAT HAS TO WAIT BEHIND A COW?!”

…

“…and then I slapped him twice!”

Captain Donald nodded approvingly.

“Very good, Graves. Well done. Anything else of interest?”

Graves, now back in his standard uniform, stepped up the captain and whispered conspiratorially,

“Well, there’s this INCREDIBLY hot alien chick among them who wants to consummate her race’s union with ours by mating with the captain of our ship…”

Captain Don nodded thoughtfully and mused,

“Wow! That sure sounds like a great…HEY! Are you trying to get me eaten by an alien, so you can move up in rank?”

“YOU GOT ME!”

As they shared a good natured laugh, every alarm in the room suddenly went off at once. A high pitched feminine voice, selected from the very shrillest of Earth’s nuns, cried out,

“RED ALERT! RED ALERT!”

Captain Donald slammed his fist down on his desk, and even Graves flinched a little. With a press of a button, the Captain cried out to the deck,

“Who died?!”

Gibbs’ familiar voice rung out,

“Sir! We have a distress call from…”

Don growled and yelled at the computer,

“Downgrade to Code Orange!”

Gibbs protested,

“But sir, the…”

“YELLOW!”

“But sir…”

Don seemed to calm down almost at once, and he casually asked his second in command,

“How do you feel, Graves?”

The young officer shrugged and responded,

“Honestly? I feel downright mellow.”

“Very good! Computer, downgrade to Code…Teal.”

The light in the room went suddenly bluish green, and the computer played a recording of the ancient actor Ben Stein saying,

“Teal.”

A few moments later…

“Teal.”

Captain Donald leaned out the door of his office, pointed at the blushing Lieutenant Gibbs and growled,

“You’re now restricted to orange only! Red will not be used unless you and the rest of the crew are already dead!”

Gibbs’ fellow crew members began consoling him with supportive cries of ‘oooooooo’ and ‘you’re in trouble’, as the Captain strode angrily to his desk, flopped back into his chair, stroked his fingers against his bare head and announced,

“You know what? Screw it. I’m not even leaving the room for this. What line are they on?”

A voice cried out from the deck,

“Line one!”

Don pushed the button and heard terrified, alien screams coming out of the overhead speaker. A deep, wheezing voice called out,

“Please! We’re being destroyed! The technology we’re facing is unlike any we’ve ever…”

Captain Donald groaned and asked, in a dismissive tone of voice,

“Ship, monster or pure energy…you know what? It doesn’t matter. Did you try the ‘everything we’ve got’ button?”

United Federation of Planets regulations required all allied aliens to have every weapon at their disposal hardwired to fire at the push of a single button. That way it’d save time when they all failed at once.

“Yes, and it…”

“Does it speak? Have you tried logic puzzles and reading it passages from the Official Earth Handbook of Trite Philosophy?”

“Yes, but it didn’t…”

Graves interjected,

“Do you have a normal method for dealing with this kind of thing?”

“Yes, but it…”

“Reverse it.”

Captain Don snapped his fingers and nodded approvingly at his second in command. The alien voice cried out,

“Yes, but that’s…WAIT! Of course! That’s ingenious! It’ll reverse the flow of the…”

Don leaned forward and impatiently interrupted the alien emperor of whatever planet they were speaking to,

“Yeah, thanks for calling, bye bye…”

A startled cry and small explosion blared from the speaker just as Don’s hand hovered over the call button. The captain rolled his eyes as the alien’s panicked voice returned,

“It’s no good! It just isn’t harming it enough to…”

Don rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and muttered,

“Try aiming for the middle…or the shiniest part of it. Which ever’s more applicable.”

At first there was only silence from the speaker. Was it over? The captain and his first officer spent the incredibly tense moment exchanging rude gestures. Eventually, the quivering alien replied,

“You mean…the shiny middle part?”

Don let his face land directly onto his desk. As the captain slammed his hand onto the back of his own head (in an apparent attempt to break his skull open on the table), Graves glanced up at the intercom, and in his most serious voice replied,

“Yes, my friend…its shiny…middle…part. Make it so.”

As Graves left to use the restroom and Captain Donald continued hitting himself in the head, a tremendous explosion erupted over the transmitter. The sound of a hundred alien voices simultaneously cried out in triumph, as the captain spun a single finger in the air.

Slowly, carefully, Don lowered the same finger towards the off button, just as the alien’s voice returned,

“Thank you, captain! You will be recorded in our in our history books as the savior of our entire race!”

Don raised his head up slightly, rested his chin on the edge of the table, and tried to sound as happy as possible,

“Wonderful!”

“The way you combined creativity and logic to find a solution is nothing short of historic!”

“Great to hear!”

“Your deeds will be retold throughout time, from zagmar to darklar, for generations to come!”

“Go to hell!”

“You know, we aren’t so different, you and…”

“OFF!”

Captain Don leaned back in his chair, his hands once more upon his head. Graves stepped back into the room, mentally commanding his fly to refasten as he entered (the Psy-zip, by the way, was voted best invention of the year in 2636 A.D., and again in 14 A.M.W.).

The two men exchanged glances, as the captain mused,

“Why do we put up with this?”

Graves looked at the ceiling, stroked his chin, and then after some careful thought, he offered,

“Uh…the nearly limitless power?”

Captain Donald rubbed the back of his head, mused over it himself, and then nodded.

“Yeah, it’s probably the power. I kind of wish it was a little more difficult though. Space aliens are just so fricking stupid.”

Graves shrugged, gave a short salute, spun in place, and then strolled towards the door.

Out of nowhere, the captain had a sudden attack of conscience. He called out to the young officer,

“Graves…I have to admit something. I didn’t actually have to leave you and the ambassadors waiting for so long…I just wanted to annoy my ex-wife’s boyfriend.”

Graves’ smile didn’t fade,

“Yeah, I know. It’s okay.”

The Lieutenant honestly didn’t seem affected by the news as he stepped out onto the bridge, pressed a few keys on door’s keypad, and casually added,

“Oh, and I just wanted you to know…I stole your keys.”

As the door slid shut, the captain couldn’t miss the distinct sound of a clicking lock. Technology had gotten to the point that doors didn’t click when they locked, of course, so Graves had the sound installed.

The captain immediately rushed to the door, futilely pressed the key pad and then slammed his fist against it a few times before shouting through it,

“I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL SET THIS THING TO SELF DESTRUCT! YOU HEAR ME?!”

The only thing he heard was laughter.

Donald made a silent vow of ridiculously violent revenge that would be fulfilled the very second he FOUND HIS DAMN KEYS!

“Computer, where the hell are my keys?!”

Miss Johansson’s voice cooed over the intercom,

“Did you leave them in your other pants?”

“I SWEAR TO GOD…”

“Can’t you see them?”

Don knew that tone of voice. It was playful, but serious. She wouldn’t use that tone of voice unless she could back it up. They keys had to be in there.

Under his evil twin’s skull? No, that’s where he left them a few days ago, and obviously where Graves found them…

In the jar of medals? Captain Donald dumped them out, but no dice…

Under the gun? No…

On the shelf…by…the…window…

At first they were merely a speck in the captain’s peripheral vision. Don slowly turned his head to face the window. His face pressed firmly against the glass as he stared at his ring of keys, floating out in space.

A small camera lens poked out of the wall. Despite being separated from the bridge by a sheet of solid titanium, Captain Donald could clearly hear the howls of laughter.

With a casual click of his thumb, Captain Don set his blaster to autofire.

Several brilliant blasts of energy erupted through the door, sending shards of pure titanium flying into the wall opposite it.

After a minute or so, the captain casually stepped through the twisted wreckage, blaster still in hand, and he turned towards his loyal crew, to check and see if anyone 'wanted some'.

They did not 'want some'. In fact, they were all avoiding his gaze, intently typing away at their respective stations as if nothing had happened. Graves and Miss Johansson were nowhere to be seen.

Gibbs was the only member of the crew who honestly appeared to be working, and probably hadn’t stopped working, even through the explosion. Don gave a sigh and groaned,

“Gibbs.”

“Yes sir!”

“Have someone in maintenance fix the door.”

“Yes sir!”

“Then personally go out and get the keys that are hanging outside my office window.”

“Right away sir!”

“I’m going to bed.”

“That’s funny sir, because lieutenant Graves and Miss Johansson were just saying the…”

Gibbs didn’t like the captain’s expression one bit.

“Uh…your keys, right sir. Anything else, sir?”

The captain lumbered off towards the lift. Before leaving, he took one last look through the gaping hole in his office door, and added,

“While you're out there...get me that pack of cigarettes.”

2008-04-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

Damn Normies

So I went to a Fark meetup.

Garret, if you're reading this, you might want to stop now. Go check this out instead:

www.homestarrunner.com

Anyway, I didn't have very high hopes for the meetup. Some farkers are normal, cool people, but for every one of them, there's about 100 that do nothing but post pictures of funny looking owls, cats, and celebrities, while argue over who they would and would not 'hit'.

On a side note, you wouldn't believe how picky most of these basement dwelling neck-beards are. I've seen them post pictures of fairly attractive women, and enthusiastically declare 'do not want', because they aren't 'super model' beautiful, but only a little bit beautiful, or at worst, slightly above average.

It makes me want to shake them by the neck and scream,

"You don't stand a chance in hell of even getting a date with these women, let alone ever get into the position where you'd have the option of rejecting them!"

Seriously, porn has spoiled these men rotten. Have you seen celebrities without makeup/airbrushing? You could pass most of them at the mall and not even notice.

The problem is, thanks to airbrushing, makeup, and sigh...anime...(I'm looking at you, Japan) these nerds are not only spoiled rotten, but don't even realize that real women don't look like that. Hell, even the celebrities themselves don't look like that. In the case of anime, NOTHING looks like that. Dear God, have you seen some of these big eyed anime girls? It's like lusting over a Roswell alien.

Uh...I've seriously gone off topic here. Let's haul this post back on track.

For reasons like the ones listed above, I did not have high hopes for the Fark meetup. I honestly expected the worst, but went anyway, for the hell of it.

You know what? Most of them were cool. Many were kind of juvenille, or a bit simple, or...I'm just going to come out and say it...downright stupid.

No, I'm not going to take that back. More than once, I had to explain jokes to people, and I'm not talking about obscure or geeky references, but normal, straightforward ones. I actually had to break down the mechanics of the joke, and explain why the rest of the table was laughing. One in particular was as dumb as a brick (or the blonde from Family Guy), but her boyfriend was cool, so it was alright.

Normally, I hang out with more clever, complex, and again I'm just going to say it, smarter people, and we get along great.

Here I was, hanging out at a table which seemed to have an average IQ of 97, and only because I was sitting at it. You know what? I had a fun time. Everyone was nice, had a lot of interesting stories, were all very friendly, and frankly brought me right back to my college days.

That's when it hit me.

I hate normal people!

I get along with the geekiest geeks, the strangest weirdos, the dumb jocks, the simple drunks, and the crazy partiers all just fine. It's those damn normal people which I can't stand!

Yeah, you know who you are! You and your primetime television...oh, so you're saying that each episode is an hour of the same day, and with 24 episodes a season, everything happens within a 24 hour period? You know what? YOU FORGOT COMMERCIALS SUCKER! THEY COULD BE KILLING EACH OTHER WITH IMPUNITY WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING ADS FOR AMERICAN IDOL!

On that note, who the hell cares which of those attention whores are going to be the next 'American Idol'? It starts with the brutal mocking of hopeful amatuers, and ends with people paying good money to text their 'favorite' of the remaining competitors. It's basically like a grade school playground, only with money involved.

Oh, and don't think you can move away from the mainstream by watching 'Lost'. It's Twin Peaks crossed with Gilligan's island, only without the charm.

It doesn't stop with television either, I'm talking about those damn 'geek wannabe' sports nuts, especially the fantasy sports team players! No, I don't give a shit about the big game yesterday, or the trade you made last week at the office cooler, any more than you care about D&D 4th edition. The big difference is: I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO CARE!

I'm sending out a call to arms! Geeks and bullies, stop fighting! Barflies and tech heads unite! Farkers and Goons band together! We need to join together and realize that despite our differences, we're all interesting and unique people!

It's those carbon cut-out 'normies' which call all the real problems.

For example, I'm sure there's a politician each of us hates with a passion. You know who elected the official? The damn MAJORITY!

Is there a business or fast food chain you despise? If it weren't for all those damn 'regular consumers' we wouldn't have that problem, would we?

My best relationships have also either been with simple or complex people, simply because a normal person will drag out a relationship they know won't work, or let a problem in the relationship grow until it's a disaster. A complex person will know it's best to get it over with, or address the problem immediately. A simple person will also address the problem immediately, because they don't want to deal with it. A normal person, on the other hand, can let a problem keeping dragging on until it's a complete disaster. Now that I think of it, normal people will also go out with a person they have no intention of dating seriously. What the hell's up with that?

You everyday, run of the mill, average Joes and Janes...your stable relationships that end abruptly, massive credit card debt, straight party ticket voting, and Adam Sandler movies are REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES!

Oh, and don't think I won't call you out by name!

Drivers of brand new cars!

Owners of camera phones!

Middle aged parents of two (one boy, one girl)!

Halo players!

Players of WOW who play no other videogames!

Mainstream magazine readers (besides National Geographic)!

People who change their haircuts regularly!

Skinny people who diet!

Scrubs fans! (sorry Vinny)

Undecided voters!

People who buy more than one music CD a month!

Anyone who willingly says the words, "Let's have a meeting."

People who've seen the first and third movie of a trilogy, but not the second!

People who voluntarily eat at Applebees!

Owners of HD televisions/dvd players!

People who follow sports statistics!

Yahoo users!

People who forward funny e-mails!

People who own at least 20 books and/or DVDs that they've never read/seen!

Fans of chick flicks/sports movies!

Golfers!

People who philosophize while drunk!

People who used to like Tom Cruise, but make fun of him now!

People who wear hats indoors!

Bill McGee! Yes, you!

Kids who sit in the middle of the classroom!

SUV drivers!

Texters!

Tom Hanks fans!

People who circulate inspirational quotes!

Anyone who lists their favorite author as either Stephen King or Nora Robers, and their favorite poet as either Robert Frost or Edgar Allen Poe!

People who volunteer to make toasts at weddings!

Anyone who can hold a full conversation about the weather (assuming there isn't a tornado outside)!

People that don't have a plan ready for when the zombies invade!

People who have stories about their pets that don't involve violence!

Men who shave with a razor that has more than two blades!

People who's favorite superhero is either Superman, Spiderman, or Wolverine!

People who don't have favorite superheroes!

Avid chess players!

Anyone who owns the soundtrack to 'Rent'!

Joggers!

People who give their pets human names!

Talk radio fans!

Serious Billy Joel fans!

People who wonder if we all see the same colors, or if we each see different colors and it's just that color to only us (a sub-division of drunk philosophers)!

Racist people who don't think they're racist!

Sexist people who don't think they're sexist!

People who say their favorite Shakespearean play is Hamlet!

People who care about their lawn!

Anyone who uses a book, movie or song to sum up their personal philosophy...

Either loosen up, or get a grip. In or out? Either grab a laptop, or help yourself to a beer. Pick a side and go with it. ^_^

2008-03-22T06:26:00.000-07:00

NEVER MIND

Nevermind what I said about not getting published in the Escapist, my letter made the 'letter to editors' page. I know that's not really getting 'published', but it's nice they liked it enough to have it in there, and it's even at the front of the 'letters to editor' section.

Here's the link:

www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/letters/3034-Letters-to-the-Editor-Weird-Science

Go to watch me slam 'Beyond Good and Evil', stay for Zero Punctuation. ^_^

Now that we're done with that, let's take a trip to hell.

H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS

Ever wonder what hell is like? If it follows the traditional example, I don't know if it's enough to make me too scared. Yes, there's chains and fire and torture, but we have that in the real world too. Ever get the feeling that someone from a war-torn country would just shrug and move on? Would someone right out of a bad prison just find a shiv, make a friend, and start lifting weight's in hell's yard?

I'm not saying it wouldn't be bad, but it seems kind of disappointing. I prefer to think that hell, if there is one, is personalized to the user. Here's my version, as I see it, during a typical day:

7:00 AM: I wake up in my college dorm, and it ALWAYS feels way too early, and way too cold. I get that groggy, draggy feeling, but I can't sleep in or drag my feet, because if I'm not out of my room in 5 minutes, everything turns into pink ceiling insulation.

7:05 AM: Everything turns into pink ceiling insulation. Damn it, I told myself I'd only rest my eyes for 10 seconds, and now this.

7:10 AM: After a quick shower which starts fine, but then the hot water randomly runs out, and a hurried shave using an old bic razor and ice cold water, I sit down to a heaping bowl of raw radishes. I check the fridge for dressing, and find only regular mayonaise *shudder*.

7:15 AM: I choke down the rest of the radishes, and suddenly remember it's daylight savings time.

(one second later)

8:15 AM: You'd think I'd remember, given that it's daylight savings every day in hell (always ahead, and the clocks won't change). No time to waste then, I'm off to my job: following people in cars.

10:15 AM: After a few hours of following a guy who's driving 20 miles over the speed limit in downtown Newark during a blizzard, I stop by my favorite bagel place to get yelled at by nuns. No bagels, just angry nuns. Regardless, the place is my favorite because it doesn't have quite as many nuns as everywhere else.

12:00 PM: It's been a long morning, and I've only received 4 speeding tickets and 8 work-related reprimands. It's time for lunch. As per usual, I walk up to the lunch truck, and the man inside steps out, and kicks me in the shin. I pay him $5 for the service, and leave.

12:07 PM: I spend the rest of my break working off the speeding tickets and reprimands through the usual method of punishment: hell's DMV. It's basically the normal DMV, only after you wait for an hour, re-fill out the forms, go back home to get the missing ID requirement, and get the worst possible picture of you taken, the woman behind the counter stamps the form twice, and lets you know that she'll never ever go out with you. She just wanted to let you know, because it'd be kind of awkward if you asked. She then posts your picture on the wall, and everyone laughs at it.

1:00 PM: It's time for my afternoon job, fixing things that aren't broken. After spending an hour trying to 'get that icon to come back' or trying to 'make it do everything by itself', my boss declares it all 'useless' and throws the computer out the window.

2:07 PM: My boss changes her mind, and has me go get the computer and get it running again, so everyone can see that great video on youtube of that loser with the bad hair getting rejected at the DMV.

2:30 PM: I finish the rest of the work day the way I always have do: cold call sales, made to cell phones that have bad reception. Our target market? People attending funerals.

5:30 PM: It's been a long day, but after driving home, and making my way past the hundreds of random stray animals in the yard, I go inside and find dozens of my roommate's friends messing with my stuff. For the rest of the evening, I constantly have to keep them from knocking things over and moving things to where they shouldn't be. Oh, and my roommate is just a random guy that screams at me in Chinese. And I mean SCREAM.

6:30 PM: Dinner is always what I already had for lunch the same day...which by my own admission is a brutal kick to the shin. Dang.

7:00 PM: The rest of the evening, when not dealing with the guests, is watching one of the three available channels: disturbing deep sea fish documentaries *shudder*, sports I don't understand, and the TV listing channel, which shows me what's on all the channels I don't get, including the complete run of 12oz Mouse, the director's cut of Clue, and 'that girl I used to work with at the book store' Gone Wild.

11:00 PM: It's time for bed. Did I remember to set the clock ahead? Of course not. While sleeping, I conversely dream of either deep sea fangly fish, or being at the dentist.

??? PM/AM: Some nights, but not every night, and always at a random time, an angry monkey is dropped on my head while I sleep. The credits roll.

There you have it! Now, I don't want to do any of that more than I already must, so I'm going to try and avoid hell altogether. Judging by the bible's top 10 list, I should be alright, as I only commit two of the sins on a regular basis (it would be three, but my neighbors' wives aren't very attractive).

If nothing else that should get me into at least purgatory...and with my luck, it's exactly the same as hell, only with a 'nice participation' trophy on my shelf...which my roommate's girlfriend keeps tossing around the fucking room.

Stay good everybody. ^_^