THE CHICKEN IS A TANK!

Before I start today's post, I'd like to take a moment and say, sleep is good. In the name of gaming (mostly convention related) I sacrificed sleep, which was a poor choice indeed. Remember, gaming will still be there in the morning, sleep will be replaced by work.

Oh, and I'd also like to take a moment and promote www.rifftrax.com. It's by Mike Nelson, from MST3K, and it's hilarious! It's basically MST3K commentary tracks for newer movies, including X-Men and Star Trek 5. You download the sound files for 2-3 bucks a piece and play them on your computer at exactly the same time as the movie (there's a system to help keep them in sync). They're a lot of fun, and don't cost that much...but I digress...

THE CHICKEN IS A TANK!

Recently, much to my own surprise, I've gotten into strategy games again. It started with Disgaea 2, and ballooned from there, into Shining Forces 2, Civ 3, and good old Ogre Battle (so far I've resisted Final Fantasy Tactics, but it's only a matter of time...).

I quickly decided to abandon the Civ 3, Europa, Orion, Numbunga's thingy kind of stategy game for the simple and clear reason that they're not much fun.

Oh sure, they're somewhat fun, perhaps even making it all the way up to 'a little fun', but after playing several of them I always come back to the irrefutable fact: politics and economics are no fun. If they were fun, people wouldn't have to be paid to deal with them in the real world. Why do these games exist then? They exist because success is fun, and the more difficult it is to attain success, then the richer the victory seems to be. The victory is often sweetest when the victory is a strategic vicotry, won through intelligence and brainpower, but honestly, that's really not much different than a contest of speed or strength. It's just arm wrestling with your brains.

Again, however, I digress. These strategy games are indeed a great measure of strategy and mental power, but they're boring. Sure, a well played strategic dual over a LAN line is akin to a well played game of chess, but come on, let's face it:

CHESS IS BORING

That's why I favor the action/adventure/guy with sword and spikey hair/giant bird type strategy game! Oh sure, I usually get demolished fairly quick (especially in the Warcraft/Starcraft type games), but at least it was fun and relatively quick!

I've especially grown partial to the tile/unit based games where you play as a blonde, spikey haired sword weilding silent kid who joins up with the healer girl he likes, a big non-threatening 'tell me about the rabbits' kind of warrior, and most importantly, some kind of giant bird (for some reason, this appears mandatory in adventure/strategy games).

A few weeks passed in this fashion, filled with many highly enjoyable horrifying losses. After about the hundreth time my fearless mute rode back to the local temple with a giant bag of unconscious/dead friends over his shoulder, I began to wonder if there was a better way. So for the sake of my loyal troops, and all strategy game players, I've broken things down through the help of logic and my ridiculous knowledge of D&D.

It doesn't matter if the strategy game takes place in a mystical realm of fantasy, in ancient feudal Japan, in World War 2, on a chess board, or in a convoluted Squaresoft plot, there are really only six types of units:

VERSATILE WARRIOR

The main hero type, these warriors are decently strong, decently tough, decently...decent. These warriors usually become the backbone of any army, but often have usefull skills and the ability to do a little bit of everything, if necessary. These warriors include: guys with average sized swords, basic soldiers, monks, rogues, and on a chess board they are best represented by pawns. Pawns suck you say? Take into account that for every knight/bishop/rook you have, you have two pawns. Any veteran chess player will tell you that in chess, pawns dictate the flow of the game.

HEALER/DEFENSE

A must have in any fantasy game, these people keep you alive. In more modern/realistic games they're often represented by medics, but they also include calvary and emergency rescue. These units get more usefull depending on how many people there are to rescue, and how difficult it is to replace units. If you're on the opposing side, you'll want to kill these guys first. In chess, they're best represented by knights. If things get hairy for one of your pieces, the knight is the only one who can hop over other pieces and sweep in for the rescue.

TANKS

Be they actual tanks, Chicken-like monsters, fighters, or guys with really great hair, some consider them the backbone of any army! I consider them slow. Painfully slow. Still, they make great portable walls/battering rams, but tend to have trouble dealing with quicker foes and foes that attack from a distance, or the sides. On the other hand, one on one, face to face, they're invincible. In chess, they're best represented by the rook.

ARTILLERY/SNIPERS

Rocket Launcher, long bow, sniper rifle, fire magic, it's all the same on the battlefield. These nukers like to stay way back and strike their enemies from a distance, or at least in a manner that allows a hasty retreat, for they tend to be fairly vulnerable in up close combat. In chess, they're best represented by the bishop.

COMMAND/SUPPORT

These units are fickle ones. They tend to be either incredibly useful or painfully necessary, perhaps even mandatory. These units vary greatly from game to game, and often have the ability to fill other niches, like the versatile warrior. The main difference is they tend to be more vulnerable and have a larger impact on the flow of battle. They might be bards, empowering the rest of the battlefield with their magical music, or they might be generals issuing battle commands to dictate the flow of the armies, or they might be little more than slow, vulnerable lumps, which your army is attempting to protect, and in the case of your enemy, destroy. In chess, they're best represented by the king, which is indeed a versatile piece...if you dare choose to use it.

SPECIAL

The catch-all miscellaneous unit that tends to be represented by monsters, ghosts, kids and small robots. These units tend to have incredible power, but with a glaring, obvious weakness, like Superman and Kryptonite (only let's assume that Kryptonite is rare, but not that rare, like emeralds or diamonds). In retrospect, a better example would be a vampire, werewolf, or that dragon that's missing the one scale. Many are quick to load up their teams with these units, unaware that in order to have game balance, they've got to have weaknesses. In some games, like chess with the queen, these monster units are merely limited in number rather than given weaknesses.

Where does this all get us? Well, right after one of the routine merciless slaughterings of my armies, I began to realize that my problem might be my choice of units, so I sat down and attempted to figure out what the best balance of characters were...and then it began to look a little familiar, like a D&D group...and then it began to look even more familiar, like a chessboard.

If we assume you're allowed a maximum of 12 units, the overall best breakdown seems to be: 1 command, 4 versatile warriors, 2 tanks, 2 healers, 2 artillery, and 1 special. In chess, this breaks down to 1 king, 8 pawns, 2 rooks, 2 knights, 2 bishops and a queen.

I don't think this is a coincidence. I think chess developed into this setup simply because it's the overall most well balanced team. Let's follow in this fashion with one of my games, let's say the first, Disgaea 2.

My team is (when not narrowed down to the maximum 10):

Adell/Hero (Versatile)
Rosalyn/Heroine (Versatile)
Sword Guy (Versatile)
Axe Guy (Tank)
Spear Girl (Versatile)
El Pollo Diablo/Devil Chicken (Tank)
Killer Marionette (Special)
Fire Wizard (Artillery)
Wind Wizard (Artillery)
Ice Wizard (Artillery)
Prinny/Sword Throwing Penguin (Artillery)
Healing Girl (Healer)
Milk Drinking Brother (Tank)
Cheerleader Sister (Support)

No wonder I'm getting killed! I have WAY too much artillery! Those poor wizards are more than I can protect with only two tanks and only one healer. Now, a maximum number of 10 units is less than twelve, but thanks to having WAY too much free time on my hands, I've figured out the best order to include the units. I've found that this balance also works in generic RPG's.

UNIT #1: VERSATILE WARRIOR (When you make a starting character in a game, choose the balanced one that can do a little bit of everything, usually the rogue)

UNIT #2: HEALER

UNIT #3: TANK

UNIT #4: ARTILLERY

Anyone familiar with D&D may realize that we're just set up the classic Rogue-Cleric-Fighter-Wizard combination, and for the first four, that's definitely the way to go.

UNIT #5: VERSATILE WARRIOR

UNIT #6: COMMAND SUPPORT (Now there's enough characters to make the support worthwhile)

UNIT #7: SPECIAL (Any earlier and the team's basic needs won't be met)

UNIT #8: ARTILLERY

If it were a D&D team, that would make the team: a rogue, a cleric, a fighter, a wizard, a ranger, a bard, a monster (let's say a Nixie), and a sorcerer. Not a bad setup, if you ask me.

UNIT #9: HEALER

UNIT #10: TANK

When your numbers grow over 8, you're going to need more units to help with healing and defense. Any less and your back row is going to quickly get overrun. This is a lesson I learned at great cost.

UNIT #11: VERSATILE WARRIOR

UNIT #12: VERSATILE WARRIOR

After 10 units, you just need more guys that can deal with the situation as it happens. We can never be completely sure what's going to happen on the battlefield (unless we went to www.gamefaqs.com) so we need to have units that can deal with whatever happens.

Now, using this method, I've reonstructed my team, allowing an extra versatile (unit #11) since my new second healer also makes a better support unit than the cheerleader sister:

1. Adell (Versatile)
2. Healing Girl (Healer)
3. Axe Guy (Tank)
4. Fire Wizard (Artillery)
5. Rosalyn (versatile)
6 & 9. Healing Girl #2 (Support and Healer)
7. Killer Marionette (Special)
8. Wind Wizard (Artillery)
10. El Pollo Diablo (Tank)
11. Spear Girl (Versatile)

There you have it! The ommitted go to the sidelines and I finally have a team that can win battles! I've applied the same method to the other games and I'm confident that this method is...what's that?

Incoming!

...

BOOM!!!!!!!

"We've lost Adell!"

I barely heard Private Marami over the blast of the exploding Prinny. Penguin shrapnel covered over half our base, wounding the back line, but luckily failed to claim any lives. I don't have time to come to terms with the horrible news, instead first ordering my healers to fix the back row up. When I finally felt secure, I faced the messenger and began my tirade.

"How could this happen?! He had over half health and was facing an enemy a level lower than himself!"

Marami wiped the sweat off her brow, leaning on her spear as she continued,

"The geo panel moved sir! An enemy boost times three dropped right on a red square. Adell's enemy was on a red square! It was over before we knew it!"

I nodded and grimly rubbed my eyes, knowing that when I went back to town, I'd have to let Adell's family know what happened. It was always hard to lose one of your best men.

It costs, like, a fricking fortune to revive them.

I waste no more time.

"Get everyone off the red squares and then have the wizards nuke the geo pyramid."

The troops around me froze at the news. The walking geopanels were usually considered 'neutral parties'. As far as I'm concerned, that small pyramid stopped being a neutral party the second it decided to hop on a red panel. I wasn't sure if my troops would see it the same way, so I took on a somber demeaner and was about to speak when Marami suddenly sprang up and happily cheered...

"YES SIR!"

The troops then happily bombed the defenseless pyramid into oblivion, laughing all the way.

There were some advantages to having a demon army.

The desperate enemy then began to press forward, slamming into my front line of troops, eager to get at my wizards. They seemed low on MP, so I had them retreat through the portal...and then released my secret weapon upon the unknowing enemy.

The attacking ghosts, troops and penguins came to a sudden stop, as a large figure began to move over the horizon. The ghosts were the first to spot the rustling trees, and they did so just as they burst forward, toppling down the hill, making way for the sudden appearance of my secret weapon.

On two giant, three-towed feet, the legendary beast approached, towering over its enemies. The sun was in their eyes, so at first they only saw a giant bird-like outline that immediately thrusted its giant prow-like beak forward, neatly scissoring a warrior neatly in two. The spearwoman Marami than rushed the enemy's mage off in the distance, impaling her upon her pike, leaving her well out of reach of the enemy, leaving them no other options other than a forward rush into the enemy's tank, or retreat.

As they rushed forward, I began to smile.

The enemy weapons bounced harmlessly off El Pollo Diablo's nearly impenitrable feathers. They comboed and team attacked with nothing more than single digit damage to show for it. Desperate, the troops glanced at their artillery, which was currently residing on the end of Marami's staff. The enemy began to get ready to bolt, but El Pollo had much different plans.

With a small amount of maneuvering, the giant chicken's head swerved like a turret directly into the enemy's path. El Pollo's cobra-like tail then hissed at the enemy as a giant cloud of gas erupted from the bird's maw. The blast killed two of the enemy, and wounded the others. The survivors turned to run, but found themselves stricken with little white lines on their chest, which seemed to hold them fast in place. There was no retreat. A moment later, El Pollo Diablo fired again.

With a swivel and turn, the giant chicken of doom walked a straight line toward the enemy base. Marami quickly followed along its side, and with a wave of my hand, the artillery moved forward to follow it. With a loud crash, and a deafeningly thunderous...

"BA-CAW!!!"

...El Pollow Diablo crahed through to the enemies back lines, as Marami ran in beside it, and my Mage dropped a Mega Wind on their front line.

With this brutal climactic charge, I suddenly knew with certainty, deep within my heart...that the giant wad of cash it's going to cost to revive Adell...will not be spent in vain!

THE BOY WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS

The tortoise and the hare. Everyone knows this classic tale. A race is set up (for what reason is unclear) between a tortoise and a hare, the race starts, the hare gets way ahead, the hare decides to take a nap and the tortoise wins! The moral: slow and steady wins the race.

No it doesn't.

Slow and steady has never won the race. Can anyone recall a famous runner whose strategy was 'slow and steady' taking the gold? Bronze perhaps, but the gold? Are naps standard practice within footraces? What kind of idiot takes a nap during a race? If we actually set this race up, regardless of the time or distance of the race, as long as the rabbit doesn't die of old age, that bunny's going to win it 100 times out of a 100. Slow and steady gets its reptillian ass handed to it by the rabbit, and you know what? That rabbit can even take a nap if it wants. It just doesn't matter.

A better analogy would be a race between a cheetah and a horse...and what the hell, let's throw in a tortoise as well, just for good measure. The race starts, the cheetah bolts far ahead of his opponents, goes a few hundred yards, collapses into a coughing, wheezing fit, leaving the horse to easily breezes through the finish line just as the tortoise finally reaches a full yard past the starting point.

Fast and steady wins the race. This not only applies to racing, but to every other form of competition as well, even intellectual and business related ones. Going steady is a good idea for everyone. That should be the real moral of the story. Slow only wins if fast is incredibly stupid. That cheetah could have walked the entire race and still have taken second. Or 'really slow and stupid people shouldn't compete', that's another good moral as well.

And with that premise firmly in mind, I now present to you a few classic fables and their REAL moral:


THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

While a grasshopper lazily relaxes during the summer, ants work hard and get enough food to store up for the winter. Winter comes and while the ants eat, the grasshopper dies.

Now, first of all, those ants aren't going to live to see the winter. The average life expectancy of an ant is 45-60 days. A grasshopper can live 4 months or so, but if it's summer, he probably won't live to see much of winter in any case, and the ants aren't even going to make it through fall, although they're a collective and have entirely different motivations from the grasshopper in any case.

Now, I know this isn't the point of the story, so let's assume they're people. The question really should be: is the grasshopper and the ant happy. Those ants are working like slaves so they can survive a winter and in the spring work like slaves again. Sure, the grasshopper's going to die, but he lived happy and free for a while, had good times, and now it's coming to a close. Would you rather live 40 years as a free vagabond or live 80 years of hard manual labor? The choice is yours. Of course, the grasshopper may have only had to do a little work in order to survive and if that's the case, than he's an idiot.

REAL MORAL: Every choice in life has its consequence OR Don't be stupid.


THE GOOSE THAT LAYS GOLDEN EGGS

Farmer has a goose that lays one golden egg a day. The farmer wants it all at once, so he cuts open to the goose to get the eggs, and finds none inside.

REAL MORAL: If you're going to be a farmer, then actually know something about farming, geese, how many eggs are normally inside a goose, and how much the goose must weigh in order for there to be several golden eggs inside it OR Don't be stupid.


THE HARE WITH MANY FRIENDS

A fox has a ton of friends, but when the hounds come, they all abandon him. The official moral is: those with many friends, have no friends.

This one is actually correct, but it doesn't explain why. In reality, if you spread your time amongst many people, than you never spend the time developing any strong relationships. The fable doesn't explain this, however, and just shows the poor fox get turned down by the horse, bull, ram, goat and calf...wait, why is a meat eater friends with a bunch of herbavores? You know, I bet they all got together, realized that the fox is going to be making snacks of their kids when it gets hungry, and then hired the hounds to bump him off. Also, the fox only asked five animals. Is that really too many friends? How many should you have?

REAL MORAL: Animals are dicks OR Don't have more than four friends.


THE HEIFER AND THE OX

Ox does all the work, heifer laughs at him, festival comes and the heifer's killed while the ox gets to live.

Well, here we are back at the 'work versus play' story. In this case though, the roles of the animals have already been defined for them. The ox and the cow didn't have any choice in the matter, so I'm not sure what Aesop thinks we're supposed to do with this one. It's not like the cow or the ox could have chosen to switch places, and even if the cow did work, they still would have killed it at the festival. Everyone ultimately has to pull their weight, and if someone is allowed to goof off and not contribute, it's certainly not going to last.

REAL MORAL: Sometimes our roles in life are decided at birth and we just have to live with it OR Don't worry, that asshole will get theirs.


THE LION AND THE MOUSE

The mouse pulls a pin out of a lion's paw for him, and then they become good friends. Aesop's moral: it's good to have small friends.

REAL MORAL: If you're not useful, you will be eaten.


THE LION, THE BEAR, AND THE FOX

A lion and a bear fight for a kid (I assume they mean a young goat, but who knows), pass out from exhaustion and a fox jumps in, grabs the kid and runs for it. The lion and bear than realize that sometimes you do all the work and than someone else gets all the profit.

And...what? What do we do with this moral? The only solution I see is killing every fox you come across. Sure, it may seem funny that they steal and get away with it, but soon enough you'll be the one who suffers. I don't think this is Aesop's point though.

REAL MORAL: Shit happens OR Kill all foxes


THE MAN THE BOY AND THE DONKEY/THE MAN WITH TWO DAUGHTERS

These stories are basically the same. A man tries to please everyone, and he winds up pleasing no one, or a man wants to make his daughters happy but they want opposite things. This is pretty much spot on, although I'd revise the moral slightly.

REAL MORAL: Screw those jerks.


THE FOX AND THE SOUR GRAPES

A fox can't reach some grapes, and so convinces himself that they must be sour, so he doesn't feel bad about losing them.

REAL MORAL: Well...there wasn't much of a moral to begin with really, except that self deception...exists. Yes, it certainly does exist, Aesop. Well spotted.

If that fox hadn't deceived himself...he still wouldn't have gotten the grapes, and he'd want them once more. Wait, let's try this again.

REAL MORAL (TAKE TWO): Self deception is your friend.


THE FOX AND THE HEDGEHOG

A fox lies injured, covered in blood sucking flies. A hedgehog (in a rare Aesop's fables appearance) stops by and offers to help, and the fox declines, saying that if those flies leave, than flies who haven't gotten any blood yet will drain him completely, and that the flies presently on him will only cause him to drop all his rings, which he will than regrab, and than allow the hedgehog to hold onto him as he flies up to the higher platforms, and than together they will reach the picture of the evil scientist before time runs out.

REAL MORAL: You have to press down while standing on the spinning platform in order to get through Carnival Night Zone.


THE SERPENT AND THE FILE

A serpent accidentally scratches himself against a metal file, and attacks it, breaking his fangs. Aesop's moral: It's pointless attacking the insensible.

REAL MORAL: Don't punch walls when you're angry. Your wife/girlfriend/mom will get mad, and eventually you're going to hit a stud one of these days OR Don't be stupid.


THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

Boy cries wolf, pisses everyone off, real wolf comes, boy cries wolf, nobody listens, and boy gets eaten.

REAL MORAL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!


THE SHIPWRECKED IMPOSTER

A chimpanzee is rescued by a dolphin, and on the way to shore, the chimp starts shooting his mouth off, acting like a big shot, and the dolphin knows he's lying, so he leaves him out there to die.

Doesn't that seem a bit harsh? Sure, the chimp was an ass, but the dolphin straight out killed him for it, 'Lifeboat' style. Isn't this the kind of thing that happens in horror movies? Guy in car picks up stranded guy. Guy he picked up says something that annoys him. Guy in car kills the stranded guy for it.

REAL MORAL: Don't mess with that dolphin, man. He's crazy.


THE DOG AND THE WOLF

The dog is fat and content, but the wolf is free and happy. It's better to be free than safe.

SAY WHAT?!!!

Didn't we have a grasshopper and cow die for choosing happiness over hard work?!

What is your deal Aesop?

I mean, this isn't just any moral you're contradicting here! This is the moral you keep restating over and over: do your job, keep your mouth shut and everything will be alright. Now you've done a complete Chauceresque 180 on us and want us to abandon our secure jobs in order to gain the freedom that you warned us not to take!

What should we do?! Should we be an ant securing our future through hard work...no, than we wouldn't be free and happy, so we should be free and happy like the grasshopper...and die in the winter, just like that cow...so we should have security like that ox and dog...and never have the freedom of the wolf...

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US AESOP?!!!

REAL MORAL: Silly animal stories aren't going to solve your problems.

OR

Life sucks. Deal.

OR

Don't be stupid (the swiss army knife of morals).


So until next week, remember:

"We can be knowledgable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom."

- Michel de Montaigne

DANG IT!

The power keeps going out. There's nothing I hate more (okay one thing, following people in cars) than having something I've written wiped out. Therefore, I'm going to post a few things I've posted on the questionswap forum.

I've even ended it with a letter I sent the creator of a 'fake' questionswap (used .net instead of .com), that intended to create an identical site, drum up advertising from people believing them to be the original site. I was downright merciless (in an ineffectual saturday morning supervillain kind of way).

Enough blather! Here we go:


Q. if leopards COULD change their spots, what shape or pattern do you think they'd change them to?

United Kingdom



A. Predator camouflage. Wouldn't it be awesome to have a chameleon-like giant killer cat? You're walking to your car, pull out your keys, and

*BAM!*

Leopard. It was invisible, sitting on the roof of your car.

The more I think of this idea, the more I like it. They'd probably mess with us too, looney tunes style. You know, removing a door, holding a doorhandle in their paw and then making themselves look like a door. Under your desk at work. Or they could go really advanced and look exactly like your briefcase/backpack.

The possiblities are nearly endless, but it's all just in fun. I mean, Leopards are stupid. Just about all animals are. So if they could change their spots, they'd probably change them into
duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


Q. where are you right now

United States


A. I'm right behind you.

No no. Don't look. That'll just spoil it.

Besides, if you look, then I'll simply be standing where you're not facing as of then.

I'm breathing on your neck now, ever so gently.

I'm reading over your shoulder as I slowly...wait a minute.

The screen isn't at questionswap.

This isn't you.

Where the hell am I?

Did I just break into a random person's house? Am I stalking for virtually no reason? That just takes the fun out of it. I mean, here I am trying to be a creepy super stalker, and now I'm just some freaked out whack job.

Man, now I'm depressed. Maybe I could still freak them out by...nah isn't worth it. I guess I'll just raid his fridge.

So to answer your question, I'm raiding a fridge in Freehold, New Jersey after committing breaking and entering for virtually no reason.

Here, let me double check my notes and...WOW! I was way off! You're nowhere near here. Sorry about that! I'll try harder next time.

See you tomorrow.


Q. fairtrade or not fairtrade?

United Kingdom


A. That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler allowing poor to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end poverty?
To defend: to control;
No more; and by an act of socialist market control to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that a world market is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To defend, to control;
To control: perchance to heal: ay, there's the rub;
For in that control what healing may come
When we have shuffled off this capitalist coil,
must give us pause: there's the respect
that makes calamity of so long a market system;
for who would bear the whips and underpayments of the oppressor's wrong,
the proud man's arrogance,
the pangs of lacked security,
the law's delay,
the insolence of upper management and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes,
when he himself is used like a complete tool, without any means to better themselves, and to be treated like livestock,
to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of being even worse off then they are,
the downward spiral into poverty the loathed country from whose bourn, almost no traveller returns,
puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
and thus the native hue of resolution
is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action.


Q. ahahaha the guy in the car chase was a fat black guy. awesome.

Australia


A. Really? Or in a movie?

The only fat black guy in a car chase I can remember in a movie was Ghost Dog and Lethal Weapon 3. Of course in Ghost Dog it wasn't so much a car chase as following each other in cars slowly (Vertigo style) and I'm not sure if Danny Glover counts as fat. I mean, he's a little pudgy, sure, Mel Gibson even makes a joke about it, but fat? Probably not.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're watching COPS, which makes the fact the guy in the car chase was a fat guy even more hilarious!

Why?

The inevitable chase on foot afterwards! His car crashes, he wobbles out and makes his way down the road in lumbering stomps. The cops walk up to him. He makes a mad dash for a house. The cops stop, have a small conversation and a quick smoke. The guy makes it halfway to the door. The cops stroll over to him. The criminal almost has a finger on the doorknob. The cops let themselves in through the back, give a through explaination and apology to the owners of the home, make it to the door just as the criminal is halfway through the door, and then gently roll him back to their car. After a few failed attempts they'll send for a larger car, and the announcer will says something along the lines of:

I guess he'll be...blah blah blah...next...blah blah blah...IN JAIL!




Q. 310345458045

United Kingdom



A. 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45.

No question? Aw, that incredibly huge number there looks kind of lonely. No words, no question mark, heck not even any commas between the numbers. It's sad enough to drive a man to sing.

310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number you will ever do...

Two can be as bad as 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45, it's the loneliest number since the number 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45...

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know...

Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know...

Cause 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number that you'll ever know...

310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number even worst then two...

yeah

...


Dear webmaster@questionswap.net,

I, Blompkin, as a faithful user of the original questionswap, hereby challenge your puny website (not you, just the website) to a martial arts tournament to the death! Your band of feeble heroes are nothing compared to the awesome might of my ninja army of robots!

That is to say, they're robots who are also ninjas.

No, not like the foot clan in the ninja turtle cartoon, those were robots dressed like ninjas...or guys in purple hoods and second hand clothing.

No, these are the real deal, robots who are not only actually dressed like ninjas, but whom have also undergone extensive training in the art of ninjitsu, to turn them into veritable killing machines!

Actually they were already killing machines I suppose. I honestly got them in a bulk lot from Comedy Central after Battlebots went off the air. I superglued the ninja outfits to them and trained them in stealth, which was hard given that they don't have electronic brains or anything.

Indeed you are correct, that doesn't sound possible at all, but trust me! These are the real deal! They hunt, assassinate and disappear without a single trace, save for tire tracks and an incredibly loud whirring noise!

Okay, I've got to level with you. They aren't really ninjas. They're just dressed like them. I hot glued katanas to their sides. No, they can't swing them. They're controlled by a bunch of geeks that came with the robots as a set.

Regardless, I'm sure these robots are more than a match for your pathetic forces!

Right? Your forces aren't a match for my robots right?

I hope not, I got really ripped off on this deal.

Speaking of rip-offs, please come up with your own damn idea for a website.

I'll be in my ready room.

The rumors are true. Last night, I rejoined the larping community, otherwise known as the dregs of the gaming community. Let me assure you, the way gamers compare to normal people, is the way larpers compare to normal gamers.

Overall, it was slightly better than my last attempt to larp, mainly because I was playing a wacky, zany soldier of fortune rather than a moody vampire. Still, as a cautionary tale, this larping event has prompted me to bring you:

THE FIFTY THINGS I LEARNED FROM LARPING!

1. Vampires are fat.

2. You can't just 'do' something. In normal roleplaying games people have unnecessary things like 'dice' and 'rule systems' weighing them down, but in Larping this has all been streamlined and replaced with 'rock-paper-scissors', 'decks of cards', 'arguing', and 'nothing'.

3. Unlike a normal gaming group, if you want to play as a movie/video game character, they don't hit you.

4. Remember to bring food. Larpers subsist almost completely on caffine.

5. The pretty girls always have boyfriends (pretty much true anywhere).

6. Police officers like to know why you're all running around an empty parking lot at midnight while wearing capes and fighting with toy swords (and let's face it, you don't have a good excuse).

7. Throwing your hands into the air and stomping off is an acceptable way to end an argument.

8. The girls wearing the very tight corsets, with their chests hanging out a foot in front of them, want people to look at their breasts. If they didn't, they wouldn't be wearing that outfit (I checked with several women I know and have confirmed this). Still, it may or may not be polite and/or safe to stare for long periods of time, especially if they have boyfriends nearby. Corset-wearing girls go from the regular, slightly reluctant women who just want to look pretty and were encouraged to wear a corset by their friends, and all the way down to the girls who talk about their massive busts with the guy in front of them in line, play with their breasts when they're bored (an admittedly cheaper alternative to a gameboy), and use their cleavage as extra carry-on space for loose cash and pixie sticks. I'm not saying that it's alright to outright stare at these girls, but getting guys to stare at their chests (and possibly other girls too, even if it's just to put the fear of God into them) is why they're wearing a corset in the first place.

9. Larping guys think they look good with a beard. This couldn't be further from the truth. No one under the age of thirty five looks good with a beard.

10. Larpers Are Really Perverted, but that's not what it stands for.

11. Even though it's 'live action', you can't just outright punch another player. Flip a card from your card deck, choose rock, and then punch him.

12. With just a little effort, any Game Master can be brought to tears.

13. If you don't want to hear about the characters of complete strangers, then don't show up.

14. Vampires don't shower (must be the running water thing).

15. Everything is excusable as long as it's done in character, including adultry, venemous attacks to a player's manhood/personal character, and murder. For example:

ANNOYING GUY: (Says really bad joke)
GM: "You, what's your name?"
MAX: "What, my real name, or character's name?"
GM: "Either."
MAX: "Max."
GM: "Max, kill him."
MAX: "Do I get experience for this?"
GM: "As long as you do it in character."
ANNOYING GUY: "Huh?"
MAX: (Raises prop guitar) "CABONG!"

So I killed him El-Cabong style, earned 20 experience and never felt better! So bite that guy you don't like, have a threesome with that sketchy married couple, and go on that caffine induced rampage! Just tell the cops tomorrow morning that it was all in character.

16. You can fit fifty people (or thirty gamers) into a hotel room if you try hard enough.

17. Smile and nod. I don't understand what he's talking about either. Just smile and nod.

18. Bring a book.

19. Monty Python references are going to happen, so just accept it.

20. Every now and then you're going to find someone who really cares deeply about the game, and corrects the gamemaster every five minutes in order to make sure the rules are followed as precisely as possible.

It is your responsiblity, as both a gamer and a human being, to mess with these people as much as humanly possible. Throw food at them (both in and out of character). Report their activity to 9-1-1 (both in and out of character). Hit on their sister/girlfriend/mom while they're standing 5 feet away (both in and...well, you get the idea). Hit them repeatedly with a nerf sword. Hide their backpack. Interrupt everything they say. Point and laugh at their misfortune. If they kill your character, just make a new one and continue your assault. If they run off crying, never to Larp again, then your work is done.

21. Stay in the back of the group and play with your cell phone until you're at least level 5.

22. Going to a Larp in a nice dress is the easiest way for women to get a lot of attention (which is why, I suspect, Larps were started in the first place).

23. If they give experience for attending pointless events (like clan council meetings) just claim you went. If it isn't quite enough experience to get you to next level, claim that it is. Gamemasters don't check. Lie like there's no tomorrow.

24. Nothing happening? Take a nap.

25. Massive rules update? Make a new character.

Just kidding! Spend hours upon hours recreating your character through a painfully complicated mathmatical process that takes one hour per person for all thirty players, causing the GM's eyes to bleed. You weren't planning to actually get to play this convention anyway. Remember, anything is better than suffering the ultimate damnation: restarting at level one!

26. Just walk away from annoying people. They'll simply move to the next nearest person and continue talking. If cornered, fiddle with your cell phone until they go away.

27. Despite the fact that the words 'live' and 'action' are in the name, LARPing is slower than a jigsaw puzzle tournament.

28. There is such a thing as a jigsaw puzzle tournament.

29. If you volunteer to help run a gaming event at the LARP convention, you'll be judging the jigsaw puzzle tournament (I learned this the hard way).

30. Bring paper and pencils. When you're bored, doodle.

31. A message to all women: don't let these guys hug you. They're most likely sticky, almost certainly creepy, and if you touch them, they're going to follow you around for the rest of the day. Still finding it hard to turn them away? Do they seem adorable in a pitiful kind of way? Borrow their laptop. Look through their movie files. Open any file marked 'hentai'. Now try again.

32. If you start dating a girl/guy you meet at a Larping event, this will become your every weekend.

33. Have other people make your character. This will save a lot of aggravation later. Just look for the big, older, extremely geeky guy that everyone brings their characters to...

...hey, wait a minute!

34. After your character is properly min-maxed out, simply do whatever you want. For example:

GM: "Your mage hovers silently above the entrance to the Omnicorp complex where the ambassador is being held hostage. After successfully casting invisiblity, you land unnoticed next to the gate's single guard. Your dark, magical aura surrounds him without him or the security cameras noticing. You are currently at 95% of your maximum mana. What do you do?"

Max: "I hit him over the head with a hammer."

GM: "Ooooookay...you successfully hit, leaving the entrance completely undefended."

Max: "I take his taser."

GM: "Alright, and then what?"

Max: "I leave."

35. Have a laptop? Bring it.

36. Don't have a laptop? Borrow one and keep it as long as you like. Most Larpers won't have the spine to demand it back.

37. Fall upon free food/drinks/candy/samples like a wolf among lambs.

38. Then: Star Trek references. Now: Homestar Runner references. (Hey, it's not all bad)

39. There are people more into Homestar Runner than me.

40. Women wearing stylish black business suits that cover them from neck to toe, coupled with black lace gloves, boots and little to no makeup, are actually far more attractive than girls wearing lacey over-tight 'Hot Topic' dresses, coupled with rediculously small corsets, six inch heels and little to no shame.

41. You'd have to go to a trailer park to find worse teeth.

42. The more elaborate the costume, the more pitiful the life (more true for men than women, as slinky black dresses are fine for other occassions, but full suits of plate mail, complete with animated shoulder dragon, are not).

43. The fantasy wrestling leagues don't actually have wrestling in them. Pretend you don't know this, put on the Halloween mask of your choice and charge the GM. (Note: It's probably best not to do this if the Hotel room is rented under your name)

44. Don't let the hotel room be rented under your name.

45. Remember that nice girl/guy that you talked with for almost an hour and convinced you to join the LARP? They won't be there when you go. I don't know why, but this always seems to be the case.

46. Have absolutely no expectations. Get a drink of diet soda, glance at the hot girls/guys out of the corner of your eye, and watch geeks flip out at eachother while pretending to be vampires.

47. If you do #46 at the mall on any friday night, it's free.

48. Bored? Leave. Go to the mall.

49. If you do stay, then live it up. Don't run from those werewolves, fight them! Steal a tank and head for the enemy base! Wage an all out nerf war with the Galactic Senate! Beat the lich king to death with a crowbar or die trying! Go out with a bang! Hit the annoying guy with a guitar! Do something!

50. No refunds.

GREAT MYSTERIES SOLVED

Every now and then, as I surf the net, I come across a 'Greatest/Weirdest/Most Unexplainediest Mysteries' link, and see men with microphones ask incredibly deep and meaningful questions including, but not limited to: What's that? Did that guy really do it, or was it some other guy? How did they make that darn thing so big? OMFG GIANT SQUIDS!!!

Okay, so that last one isn't so much a question as a statment, but at least it's interesting. The other questions...are not so interesting. So, I thought I'd do my part for the sake of good television/reading and just wrap these up as quickly as possible. If you have any counter-point/disagreement, please feel free to enter the special comment/reply screen by pressing the small X in the upper-right corner of your browser. Now, let us begin.

BIGFOOT

Hairy guy. Next.

STONEHENGE

Ancient weathermen with WAYYYYYYYYYY too much free time. Just take any modern Weatherman who obsesses over 'dew-point ratings', drop him in ancient times, you get this.

HOLY GRAIL

Cup used by Christ at the last supper. Significance in bible (not the significance of the event, but the signifigance of the physical cup itself): very very little. Significance for historians/crusaders/Indiana Jones: ridiulously high. I'd love for them to finally find it after all these centuries, and then realize...*AHEM*...IT'S JUST A CUP! I mean, as far as I know, no one is focusing nearly as much on any of the other relics from the past...especially the ones that are much more durable than something made of wood. By the way, is anyone trying to find that weird table they had the last supper on? You know, the strange one that you can only sit on one side of? No? Well then, let's just move on.

ATLANTIS

Island nation during the time of ancient Greece/Rome. The only two things they are known for are having had a navy, and then disappearing. Volcano, earthquake, fissure, tsunami...just pick one of the hundreds of disasters that could have caused it to sink and then move on.

AZTECS WORSHIPPING ALIENS?

No.

OH WELL...ANY ALIENS?

No.

OH...WHAT ABOUT THE SIGHTINGS IN...

For the love of God! NO!!! There are no alien visitors coming to earth...well actually there is one case. Recently, scientists found a microscopic lifeform that doesn't match any known type, that is capable of surviving and reproducing within a complete vaccuum. Their main theory is that it rode on a meteor down onto our planet. Not front page news of course, but really the only way an alien is going to reach here. It's just too damn far away. Even if they travelled the speed of light, it'd still take decades to centuries to make the trip, and even if they could and did...what could they possibly want with us? In an intergalactic sense, we're nobodies. We've never even been to the end of our own solar system. I'm sure there's other life out there somewhere, but they're never going to reach all the way over here. Asteroids, airplanes, luminous gas, moonshine, DT's, paranoia and low self esteem are the real sources of alien conspiracy theories. Let's move on.

LOST TRIBES OF *FILL IN THE BLANK*

Uh...people in the past either had kids...or didn't...and descendants of those kids are around today...or they're not. If you want to believe you're descended from the lost tribe of whatever...then go ahead, I won't stop you. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

(This next one I'm going to cut and paste the exact words from the website)
DELPHIC ORACLE: PREDICTED THE FUTURE BASED ON WATER AND LEAVES?

There are literally six paragraphs underneath that title, and you know what? I refuse to read them. I'm going to post a comment on that site, and it will read: "You do know that this is the dumbest title in the history of mankind, don't you? Are you seriously considering the possibility of predicting the future through water and leaves? I'm a fair man, I've got a plastic cup of water and a pine needle in front of me. Just e-mail be the exact methods I should use, I'll send you back the lotto ticket numbers, and then we'll split the money. WAIT! I'm getting a vision...the ancient divine powers of two of the most common items on the planet are giving me the message...3...5...9...THAT'S IT?! PICK 3?! WHAT A RIP-OFF!"

KING ARTHUR: DID HE EXIST?

Possibly, but in any case we have no idea what he was actually like. There may have been a King in ancient England who was possibly named Arthur, but that's all we know. On the other hand, there are hundreds and thousands of actual people throughout history that we know existed and have very interesting and unique histories...but no one really cares about history, they want interesting stories. This is the kind of thing that annoyed Shakespeare back in the day. He wrote brilliant historical plays based on real political figures, and what does everyone go and see instead? Robin Hood. The Shakespearian equivalent of the latest brainless summer blockbuster. Julius Ceasar, Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan, Jonny Appleseed...just aren't as interesting as King Arthur, Pocahontas, Guan Yu, and Billy the Kid. These magical, mythical characters have histories that include far more myth than fact, and are almost always considered more interesting than verifiable historic figures and events. There's no mystery about that. Whether King Arthur was real or not, England still got its knightly ass handed to it by the Vikings afterwards, so let's just move on.

ARK OF THE COVENANT:

See 'Holy Grail' entry.

POPE JOAN

A woman disguised as a man becoming pope? It's possible. Back in those days, the position of Pope was far more a political position than a religious one. There were popes that literally assassinated their way to the top, who were later artistically rendered in the stained glass windows of certain churches, burning in hell. Let's just leave it at: there were a lot of strange popes back in the day. Let's just move on.

GARDEN OF EDEN: WHERE WAS IT?

Uh...I'm not touching this one with a ten foot pole. Moving on...

NOAH'S ARK: COULD IT HOLD THAT MANY ANIMALS?

Don't make eye contact, just keep moving...

GHOSTS

I've heard/seen/read and spoken to a lot of sketchy people on the subject, and I've come to the conclusion that whatever happens after death, we don't stay behind to visit. Ghosts are never seen by people who don't believe in ghost, are never caught on film, and never appear in the places where you would expect to have them: hospitals, prisons, old-age homes, old battlefields, museums and scenes of great tragedy. Also, do you know who sees them? People who believe in ghosts, who went out looking for ghosts, had a few drinks before searching, and when not ghostbusting, work the day shift at your local Wawa. Basically, rather fittingly, the cast of Scooby Doo (and Thelma's just there so she can try to get in Fred's pants, but will settle for Shaggy if necessary...and that's another post).

PET ANGELS

Okay, I'm not going to touch the subject of guardian angels, but as far as I know, no major religion believes in dead pets coming back to help their owners. Sorry. Come to think of it, would you want the ghost of your pet coming back, barking at all times of the night? If so, then I just recommend you get another dog. You can buy them and stuff. Pets are totally replaceable. It's great! (On a side note, I don't have the heart to break it to those people who spent 10,000 dollars on their pet's operation that they can just get another pet. It's not like, the last dog/cat on the planet. Man, aren't they going to feel stupid?)

DID FDR KNOW PEARL HARBOR WAS GOING TO BE BOMBED/DID BUSH KNOW THAT THE 9/11 WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

No and no. I've had many discussions on the subject, and it all comes down to the fact that the government would never knowingly allow the destruction of American land/military forces of that scale. I'm sure that FDR knew that Japan might possibly attack, and Bush knew that terrorists might try something somewhere at some time, but let me ask you this: if Japan attempted to bomb the naval forces and failed, or only bombed even as little as a single ship, do you honestly believe that wouldn't start the war? World War 1 started for America because of the sinking of a single ship, and it certainly wouldn't have taken more than that to start WW2. There's no precedent for allowing the loss of that many resources just when the mere attempt of an attack would have been enough to start the war. FDR knew a pre-emptive attack from Japan was possible, but the only other viable option was retreat. In the same way, if they caught the terrorists in the act on 9/11, and the planes didn't crash, do you really believe we wouldn't have gone to war with the Taliban? Do you really think the president would go on television and say, "Well, the Taliban attempted and failed to strike a deep blow to America's heart...and I've had a very stern phone conversation with Osama, and if he ever tries to kill thousands of Americans again...then we'll definitely do something about it!" I'm all for taking a more moderate approach to world politics and the middle east, but I wish these political enthusiasts had theories that at least made a small amount of sense.

PSYCHIC POWERS

There's a lot of different "unexplained" psychic powers, so I'll do my best to sum up: the brain's only connection to the world is through your senses and limbs. You can read expressions and the sound of a person's voice, but not their mind. You can only bend spoons directly with your hands...and why would you want to bend a spoon anyway? You can intuitively guess what the future is, but you can't see it. You can see a hundred things in a single dream and one of them may resemble something that happens later, but you're ignoring the other 99, which may very well include your 8th grade science teacher staning on his head, a pink duck, and a giant killer number 2 pencil. People that believe they're psychic have the habit of ignoring every moment of their lives where they weren't psychic, and obsessing over the moment they ABSOLUTELY KNEW they were going to win a free whopper on the scratch off ticket. If you meet one, please hit them for me. Just tell them I was psychically controlling your arm.

PYRAMIDS

With enough know-how, slave labor and whips, anything is possible.

DOWSING

*SMACK!*

LEVITATION

*SMACK!SMACK!*

DA VINCI CODE...

Baby, why you gotta make daddy hit? *TRIPLE SMACK!!!*

MYSTERIOUS CLOUDS

You know, I think I'm just going to stop here. People believe some really stupid things. I wouldn't be surprised, but some of these people seem very intelligent, and put an amazing amount of time and effort into researching all this. Why can't they see it's pointless? Why isn't it enought to accept that the world is the way it is, and if it isn't a spiritual belief and it isn't a legitimate scientific theory, then it's probably just psuedo-science, which is fancy talk for 'crap'.

I think they're just looking for something to make them special and important, and proving that something mythical is in fact real will do that, but so will getting a steady day job in a field you enjoy.

So, I'm going to do my best to give these people a head start, and say the following:

There are no alien visitors, no bigfoot, no such thing as psychic powers, no ghosts rising from the grave, the Aztecs weren't even advanced enough to get beyond ritual slaughter, and if the president ever ordered people to allow an attack on the nation, he'd be immediately removed from power. Cripes, the president can't even have a wild fling with a chubby intern, and people think the government would allow him to give the 'thumbs up' to a foriegn attack on U.S. soil?

You know what, who am I to tell you otherwise? Enjoy your conspiracy theories, scratch-off lotto tickets, American Idol, Dan Brown novels, Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, and John Edward performances. Me? I'll be busy on wiki, adding 'Note: not actually true' to all the conspiracy sites.

Heya! Things are kind of busy at work today, so I thought I'd just to a quick one. First, it started as a simple question I heard on the internet: who would win in a fight, Mario or Sonic?

I ignored the question and went on to more worthwhile pursuits.

Just kidding, of course.

Assuming Mario has fireflower, and Sonic has a few rings...I have to give it to Sonic.

Both can attack head on, and Mario can do it at a distance (assuming he has fireflower), but Sonic can slam through mario at top speeds and move a LOT faster through the air. If you still think this places them on an even ground, take into account what happens if they're hit.

Depending on the version of Mario, if Mario is hit he either turns back into large mario, or shrinks directly back into small mario. In any case, as he gets hit, he weakens. Sonic, on the other hand, is just as strong after being hit, with the only penalty being he loses his rings, and as long as he gets at least one ring back, he can still take at least two more hits, and possibly more if he can keep catching that one ring.

That being said, there is one scenario where Mario would easily win: underwater. Again, assuming Mario has fireflower, Mario could easily swim up out of Sonic's reach and rain fireballs (hey, if you accept mushrooms making you big, you should accept using fire underwater) down upon the incredibly slow Sonic, who can't even swim in any of his games. Even without fireflower, Mario could just swim up out of reach and wait for Sonic to suffocate, as Mario doesn't seem to need to breathe.

So, if the fight's underwater, Sonic doesn't have a chance, but if the fight's virtually anywhere else, Mario won't even know what hit him.

Besides, Tails is a much more useful sidekick than Luigi, and I'll take Knuckles over Toad any day.


Now that I'm finished with that episode of pure geekdom...let me start a completely new episode of geekdom!

I've bet you've always wondered: How exactly does Max crash into a new Role Playing society, or roleplaying message board? I think it would go a little something like...

BLOMPKIN (Me):

"Hello? Where am I? Has anyone seen my hat?"

The Avatar, who didn't even have a single clue what an Avatar was, or what the Nexus was, or even that his hat was clearly still upon his head, didn't so much teleport into the Nexus as much as he wandered into it. There was no portal, no lights, no fanfare, and his expression was one of only honest bewilderment. He reached to scratch his head.

"Oh! Never mind! I found my hat, but I would once again like to state 'Hello' in the form of a question, and ask where I am...everything is more...real here."

Blompkin appeared to be a cartoon, but not of the wacky-zany variety. If through their travels through time and space, one of the Avatars had ever been to a planet called 'Earth' and seen animated movies such as 'Wizards', 'Flight of Dragons', or 'The Hobbit', they would have recognized his look. He was drawn to human proportions, but not very well. Everything about his animated appearance suggested his drawing was 'rushed' and for a fantasy story of some sort. Still, he had all the trappings of an adventurer, with a small bow over his shoulder (along with an empty quivver), a dagger in his belt, a belt that looked as if it had been recently repaired after a failed attempt to put his dagger in it, a light suit of leather armor, simple brown pants and boots (animators didn't go into much detail with that), a small pouch of solid yellow gold pieces, a full head of sandy blonde hair, a pleasant face (with a very small nose that was little more than a crooked slash of a pencil), a knit cap upon his head, and a small lute under his arm.

He briefly considered casting a charm to help show him the way...but for some reason couldn't remember any. Funny, he never had trouble using his ill-defined minor magic powers before.

"Oh, and if you've seen my powers, I'm looking for those too!"

ANDROMACHE (other player):

There is a silver shimmer of light a short distance from the new Avatar. As it intensifies, a woman solidifies into Proper.

Andromache Chthoniaos is a striking figure. She is tall, athletic, and undeniably womanly. Her skin (very visable) is a sunkissed mediterranean complexion and her voluminous black hair, pulled back from the front of her face, falls in soft waves over her shoulders. Her sleaveless clothing is white, losely flowing over her form. She wears sandals with a turquoise stone set on the strap between her largest and second largest toes. The laces wrap criss-cross most of the way up her toned calf muscles.

She has one child on her right hip, and another on the left who almost instantly wriggles for freedom and is allowed down onto the grass. The girls, approximately a year old, are almost certainly twins, although the one on her mother's hip is slightly larger and has sleek smooth hair while the youngster with the wanderlust has wild black curls more like her mother's.

With slightly wobbly but determined strides, the little adventurer approaches the new Avatar and, reaching into a very small pocket in her purple overalls, produces an impossibly large orange with one leaf an a small cluster of orange blossoms still attrached to the stem. The moment the orange emerges, the air is filled with the aroma as if the assembled figures were standing in the center of a grove in full bloom or ripeness or if somehow possible-- both. The child squeals with self satisfaction and offers up the fruit to the stranger with a sparkle in her eye.

The other child, in turquoise overalls, claps her hands in appreciation. A soft breeze wisks the newcomer's "missing" hat off his head and it bobs gently in mid air before him like a boat on an invisible sea. The child in purple seems to nod in approval and babbles something in an unrecognizable language. The children both laugh.

Andromache, who has been closely observing the children's behavior towards the stranger smiles broadly and looks across to him. "Kalispera, Avatar. I am Andromache Chthonaios. It is my pleasure--"

"Aiyah!" Interrupts the aqua-clad child.

"Our pleasure," The woman arches an eyebrow and corrects herself with a smile, "to greet you. This is the girls' first official welcoming outing and they're taking their job most enthusiastically." She sets the second child down and nods her forward. "Go ahead Angel, intoduce yourself."

Instead of introducing herself, the child points to her sister and says, "Tee-ah!"

Thea points back and grins "Kay!"

"Good job girls!" Andromache laughs. "On behalf of my family and the citizenry of Xenia, Welcome you to the Nexus."

BLOMPKIN:

Blompkin was simply dumbstruck. This was the most well defined woman he had ever seen in his life. Every other woman he had known up to then had been drawn with much fewer lines. They usually only had a general womanly shape, a simple single colored dress, an incredibly small nose and ears, and hair that stood more or less as a single solid mass. He wasn't sure who Kalispera Avatar was, or why Andro-makey has mistaken him for them, but one thing he had learned in his travels was not to wear more than one pair of pants at a time.

Another, far more relevant thing he had learned was that when a kind, mysterious woman offered you a gift, you had better take it. After all, you'd probably wind up needing the item to complete the quest. He knelt before the beautiful woman and proclaimed, in a completely sincere tone of voice,

"Oh magnificent Queen Andro-makey, I humbly accept your orange, and swear to thrust it into the very heart of the evil dragon that is terrorizing your kingdom, the Nexus. Fear not my lady, for my fruit will strike true, and its peel shall rend the fell beast's head clean off its metallic black shoulders, or else my name is not KALISPERA AVATAR!"

ANDROMACHE:

Thea looks confused and not quite sure what to do with the orange now that the man is kneeling, she looks to Mommy for guidance.

Andromache's gasps. Her eyes widen in the knowledge that all of her years of conditioning and NOMOS training, and field experience are about to fail her utterly. Desperate not to offend or embarrass this new avatar, in the microseconds that she has to attain control of herself she is overcome with a manic internal mantra, mustnotlaughmustnotlaughmustnotlaughohgodshelpmeimustNOTlaugh! She closes her eyes for a perilous moment. Her sides ache with the effort of self-containment, and a single tear slides down her cheek as she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes.
Fortunately the effect is that of a woman overwhelmed by a gallant gesture and not one close to collapsing in a choking fit of hysterics.

Kay, whose own one-year-old standards of decorum are slightly more flexible just giggles delightedly.

An agonizing moment passes as she checks herself once more before removing her hand from her mouth which she offers to the kneeling toon. "Gallant stranger, please rise." She speaks at first somewhat tremulously, but by her second sentence, her tone is warm and even again. "You are clearly and individual of great honor and grace, and your first actions in this new world are both inspiring and encouraging; but as I am not any kind of royalty and you are no one's subject here, you must not feel compelled to kneel."

"Furthermore I apologize, for I have forgotten myself and greeted you, Kalispera-- 'good-afternoon' in the language of my homeworld. I should have used the common tongue for your benefit."

Thea tugs at her mother's skirt and Andromache remembers the mystical-orange-of-dragon-slaying, which threatens once more to break her etiquette, but she takes another breath and continues smoothly. "The orange my daughter, Athena, offers you is one from the trees that grow in my domain of Xenia. It is a gift of friendship and welcome. It will help you find your way to our home, should you seek to visit us, and hopefully it will refresh you after what has no doubt been an extraordinary journey. It will not kill any dragons, nor will any product of my domain do harm to anyone; but it may be a comfort to know that the slaying of dragons is not as necessary in the Nexus as you may have been led to believe."

BLOMPKIN:

Blompkin had heard of this kind of situation before: royalty in disguise. Obviously, the queen before him took delight in disguising herself as a mere peasant woman, in order to escape the everyday drudgery of palace life. The mere thought that such a well drawn woman was not integral to the plot, was just downright silly. Still, he knew it was best to play along.

"Of course you aren't!"

WINK

"Your majesty...and by majesty, I mean 'simple peasantwoman'..."

WINK

"I humbly thank you for this normal, everday orange, that is definitely not an ancient and powerful artifact, forged within the deepest depths of the dwarven kingdoms, by the greatest fruitsmiths of the world, using only the largest seeds, purest water, dirtiest dirt, brightest sunlight, and strongest mithril."

WINK

"I am known as Blompkin, humble subject to all kingdoms, and fighter of evil, regardless whether it is in dragon, goblin, orc, troll, slightly larger orc, or evil sorcerer form."

Blompkin gently took the orange with a smile, as the words 'home-world' bounced off his brain like rubber. That was a concept he wasn't quite ready to come to terms with. The words 'home', 'Xenia' and 'visit' fit in his mind just fine though. Once again, in a completely serious tone of voice,

"With your permission, your majest......miss, I would gladly accompany you back to your castl...house, and meet your husband, the Lord and ruler of all Xen...........humble smith."

With a friendly nod to her daughters, Blompkin then hopped up to his feet, sending his head perfectly back into his hat, and mused to himself, as he placed the orange away,

"I'm surprised that this orange wouldn't be-head a dragon, though. After all, it should be great at neck-tearin'!"

The world revolves around Ron Weasley. He is the chaotic spire in which the world is balanced upon.

Not in reality of course, although many teenage girls may damn me for saying so. Oh, and by the way, I've read seen the things you've posted online and you should all be very ashamed of yourselves! I won't subject these people to it, and only say that it involves the male characters in the Harry Potter series, a large tub of baby oil, and gay sex.

But I digress...

THE RON WEASLEY EFFECT

The best way to describe this effect is merely to watch it in action. Let's start with the first Ron Weasley appearance in the first book/movie.

Ron Weasley sits in Harry Potter's cabin, and starts up a nice conversation with him, introducing him to the world of magic further, and by practicing magic, draws the attention of Hermoine Granger, bringing the golden trio together for the first time. Had Ron not been there, Hermoine would have passed by, and do you know who the first person that Harry would meet would be?

Draco Malfoy. Imagine a version of the series where Harry made friends with Draco Malfoy instead of Ron. At that point, Harry was very impressionable, as Ron easily impresses upon him that Slytherin is bad (Slytherin is not that bad of course, not if it has alumni like Snape ^_^). Harry would have most likely joined Slytherin instead of Gryffindor, and the series would have taken a dramatic turn for the tragic. What prevented all this? Ron Weasley.

Although it's certainly not intentional, Ron Weasley is the driving force behind the Harry Potter universe. Every instance of Duex Machina is in fact RonEx Machina, as Ron is more than just a good, helpful friend, but a pawn of the powers that be, which could be anything from God, to fate, to destiny, or to simple unbridled chaos itself.

Now sure, Hermoine helps point the trio in the right direction, and Harry kills the monsters, but the important difference is that Ron does it all by accident. He'll wander into a scene, trip over something, and irrevocably change the fate of the universe.

If Harry never met Ron, then Ron would have never gotten Hermoine upset in the first book, which led her to be out when the troll was on the loose, which led to Harry and Ron fighting it, gaining valuable first hand experience in battle.

If Harry never met Ron, then who would rescue him from being a prisoner in his own home at the beginning of Chamber of Secrets? Even if Harry got a ride some other way, then the car definitely wouldn't have been there to save him in the woods, because Ron would never have stolen it, and he wouldn't have even lived to have his memories obliterated by Lockheart, who only failed because he was using Ron's broken wand! Also, the trip to diagon alley in the beginning wouldn't have involved the misuse of the floo powder, which meant that Harry wouldn't have seen Lucius there with Draco, and wouldn't have been there when Lucius palmed the book into Ginny's things. Let's not forget poor Dobby either. If Harry didn't see the palming of the book, he wouldn't have figured out the part that Lucius played in it, and Dobby would have never been freed...which might be a good thing. He's annoying.

Now, in the the Prisoner of Azkaban, Hermoine gets more screen time than Ron, but then again, she wouldn't be friends with Harry if it weren't for Ron, which would have meant no connection to the Time Travel, which would mean the deaths of both Buckbeak and Black. Also, this is the book where we find out the truth about Scabbers...

...RON'S PET! That's right, by PURE CHANCE, Ron just happens to have been keeping the main villain of the movie as a pet for all these years, drawing Harry deeply in to the plot by association. Sirius Black knows this, which draws him closer to Harry as he tries to get to Scabbers. Without Scabbers looming near Harry, which could never have happened without Ron's association with him, thus severing Harry's connection to the subsequent events.

At this point, can we even imagine a series without Ron Weasley? Imagine Neville taking his place, helping in all the necessary ways, but causing none of the random events that Ron's responsible for. That golden trio is just doing their homework every night, passing classes, going to dances and utterly failing to save the world. They can't. They're too far removed from it all.

In book four it doesn't get any better. No Ron means Harry doesn't go to the Quidditch finals, doesn't get his wand stolen, doesn't become involved in any of those events, or give Barty Crutch several of his ideas. Also, no Ron means there's nothing to stop Krum from dating Hermoine and getting arrested for statuatory rape.

Yeah, I know that she just turned 15, and he's like 17 and a half, but I still think the whole Hermoine/Krum thing is creepy, especially in the movie, where she looks 15 and he looks 23. Besides, if she visited him over at "his place" during the summer, he'd be 18 and she'd still be jail-bait. It's like a senior dating a freshman in high school. It just isn't right.

In the fifth book, this swirling child of chaos takes more of a back seat, as Umbridge enforces order. Ron doesn't do as much, and I do blame this on Umbridge, an agent of cold order to counteract Ron's chaos. Ron does give Harry a connection to his father, who subsequently helps him when he's in trouble with the ministry, but this all happens BEFORE Umbridge shows up. As soon as we're in school and we meet the new teacher, the firey spirit of chance is snuffed out, as a smiling, sharp, block of ice in a pink sweater enforces her version of justice. Ron, having no ability to affect the plot, settles on becoming Gryffindor's hero on the Quidditch field, and waits for the next book.

There, Ron resumes his task as fortune's gopher, leading Harry to his brother's joke shop, allowing him to see Draco make off with the large 'mysterious object'. After this, Ron gets tied up pretty well in a giant heaping helping of 'teenage angst' that never fails to get me to turn the page. This angst helps drive Harry from the party at Slughorn's, allowing him to witness Draco being shadier than ever, wandering the corridor alone. Moreso than in the other novels, Harry's connection with Ron, and subsequently the Weasley family, gives him first hand sight into the inner workings of the ministry, and although this was partially prevented by Umbridge in the last book, there's nothing to stop him now!

It only gets worse when Ron accidentally drinks a love potion and has to be brought to Slughorn for help. There, Ron takes the poison that would have otherwise claimed Slughorn's life! No Slughorn=no information on Horcrux's. No information on Horcrux's=no way to stop Voldemort. At this moment, more than any other, Ron has literally saved the entire wizarding world...just by showing up. Just by being there. Just by doing what comes naturally.

Did he do all this on purpose? Of course not! He's Ron Weasly! Unwitting agent of chaos, accidental savior to billions, and the tool in which the invisible powers that govern the fate of the cosmos use each time they need things to go their way!

A single person, a simple brave fool, who's only purpose is to be there and accidentally save everyone, in a way that nobody would ever expect. Fate always intervenes in the Harry Potter universe, and it always intervenes through HIM. That is the Ron Weasley effect. All you need is one lucky fool, doing exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

There are many factors that govern the universe: planning, choice, invention, alliances, destruction...but none of them are as powerful, and unpredictable, as chance. The world of wizards, chance has a name, and that name is Ron Weasley.

I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen in the last book, but my money's on Ron falling over, causing Voldemort to trip over him and fall into a bottomless pit. Either that or Harry uses the power of love, or Snape sacrifices himself to save everyone.

I figure Ron's got a 1 in 3 shot. ^_^

Special thanks to www.achewood.com

NOW LET IT BEGIN!

What's the measure of a true badass? It's not merely being able to win in a fight, or else Mike Tyson would be a badass instead of an idiot. If anyone trains long and hard enough, they'll be able to beat any of our finalists in a straight fight...but would this well trained individual be willing to fight, even if the odds were against them? If it was an entire room full of drunk thugs holding pool cues, and they've decided they're not going to stop bothering your family, would that pro fighter step up...or slink back and call their lawyer? Anyone can train enough and become resistant to pain, but could they crawl across glass while they DO feel pain?

Being a badass means doing the right thing, being completely self-reliant, and taking no crap from anyone, especially when the chips are against you. Badass, is 99% attitude. The other 1% is the badass glare.

Anyway, let's have a quick review of the finalists:

Christopher Walken has been an insane badass for decades despite his straight bloodless roles, Animaniacs appearance, and constant, non-stop singing and dancing. He was the headless horseman, a deer hunter, the scariest girlfriend's brother in history, and the greatest Saturday Night Live guest ever.

Willum Dafoe can make any role, even a forgotten silly Spiderman villain or a rediculously gay cop and still be as tough as metal. He tends to play the martyr a little too often, but never whines or complains about it. He also gets bonus points for being a much bigger badass then he has to be.

Samuel Jackson has a nasty habit of dying in his movies, but as I said before, that's the real calling card of a badass. Go ahead, kill him, see if he whines. He'll be fed on by raptors, and just before the shark comes and finishes him off, he'll announce at his own trial, "Yes, they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!"

Lucy Liu is incredibly hot...tough! I mean tough! Lucy Liu kicks ass in every movie she's ever been in, including the ones that suck. *cought*angels*cough* If her awesome performances in bad American movies and good Chinese movies didn't outweigh her incredibly mediocre attempts at speaking Japanese, then Kill Bill pushed her way over into badass country, as she starred as O'Ren, the most richly detailed and badass villain of both movies (sorry Bill, you're cool, but you fight like a coward).

Bruce Willis may have very well started the modern badass movement with Die Hard, kept going strong with Pulp Fiction (the scene with him, the katana, and the cop is priceless), faltered a bit and was partially responsible for some of the worst movies ever made, but came back strong with Twelve Monkeys and Sin City.

Humphrey Bogart is the original badass detective, soldier, and villain, and he did it without huge muscles, explosions or 100 million dollar budgets. Some of Bogey's greatest badass moments involved him just talking, proving once and for all that badass, is merely an attitude.

Now, let's set up some challenges, to see once and for all, who is the greatest movie badass of all time!

CHALLLENGE 1: BAD GUYS ROUGH THE HERO UP

In all great action movies, the hero gets roughed up, and not because he's hit with his only weakness, but because he's only human, and no matter how much of a badass you are, ten guys attacking at once are going to bring you down. (This is why Robocop is only an okay action movie, but Yojimbo is a great one)

Christopher Walken lands a few good hits and tears something important off one of the attackers, then says something really creepy and confusing (like singing "New York, New York" really loudly), then reaches for the phone and calls his girlfriend/wife to see how they're doing. BA rating: 8.5

Willum Dafoe laughs at them, calls them gutless pansies, and winces quietly with each kick to his ribs, then the movie cuts to him in his apartment, bandaging himself up, smoking and drinking. BA rating: 9

Samuel Jackson cries out at them in equal parts agony, honest fear and rage, refusing to tell them anything, taking a swing at them when he can, until he's beaten unconscious. He's found by the widow who hired him, who offers to call an ambulance. He declines. BA rating: 8

Lucy Liu keeps a stone cold emotionless face, and perhaps seems a little childlike in manner, until they let their guard down and she kicks one of her attackers out
the window. This alerts the police, and forces the thugs to flee. She sits in the corner waiting, looking tough, but not selling the pain as well as she possibly could, leaning slightly into the 'invincible hero' category, which is never badass. BA rating: 7

Bruce Willis suddenly turns on the attackers, hits one with a phone, runs into the bathroom and pulls out his own molars with a pair of pliers. The goons are too freaked out to continue the beating, and leave. BA rating: 9 (Was a 10, but he received a 1 point penalty for hitting him with a phone. That's a girly move.)

Humphrey Bogart takes the beating like a man, and afterwards lights up a cigarette, receives no medical attention what-so-ever, and continues the case. BA rating: 9.5

Hmm...Lucy Liu dips a little too much into the action movie star and not enough into the badass hero on that one, but let's move on to event #2.

CHALLENGE 2: BAKE A LOAF OF BREAD FROM SCRATCH

Anyone can be a badass beating guys up, but if the situation suddenly calls for a loaf of fresh bread, are they going to painic, sitcom style, or are they going to buck up and just do it? Being a badass renegade cop is easy, being a badass stay at home dad is hard (honorable mention to Michael Keaton, for Mr. Mom...oh and Batman...which reminds me, I owe Val Kilmer and George Clooney a punch to the head each). But I digress...

Christopher Walken practically dances around the room as he flambouantly throws together a wonderful dish...which is kind of gay. Walken needs to be doing something creepier. BA rating: 6

Willum Dafoe kneads the dough with his knuckles in a poorly lit kitchen while smoking. He looks pretty badass, but something isn't completely right. A guy who can cook well should really be heavier. If he's that thin, something's wrong with his food. BA rating: 8

Samuel Jackson is surrounded by his wife and kids, and he puts together a fantastic loaf of bread, showing his son how to do it right, and correcting him when he's wrong. Then they all sit together and have some of the best bread they've ever eaten. Then a ninja jumps in, and Samuel kills him with the bread knife. BA rating: 9

I make the mistake of telling Lucy Liu to get in the kitchen and bake me a loaf bread. In return she smiles and beats the ever living crap out of me. When I explain it's for the contest, she gives me an incredibly small apology and then gets to work. Lucy Liu can actually cook very well, and whips together a very nice loaf of bread. I sit in the corner with an icepack and whimper. BA rating: 9

Bruce Willis immediately reverts to 'Moonlighting' mode and fumbles making the bread. After ten minutes it's grown to rediculous proportions and he has to admit that he needs his girlfriend's help. He learns a very valuable lesson and the credits roll. Real men do not star in sitcoms...but at least he tried, and didn't do the Ricky Ricardo thing and try and cheat. BA rating: 4

Humphrey Bogart was around before men cooked, and I don't think he'd do it. At most he'd make coffee. Not badass, but that was the way of the times. DISQUALIFIED, BA rating: 1

CHALLENGE 3: BLOOD SPITTING

Christopher Walken gives a dribbling spray that mostly goes down the villain's shirt and his own chin. Creepy. BAR: 8.5

Willum Dafoe does a short spray, covering most of the villain's face. Nothing fancy, but it gets the job done. BAR: 7.5

Samuel Jackson gives a short spit, and a curse. It isn't much spray, but he got the villain right in the eye. BAR: 8

Lucy Liu doesn't bleed much (that whole invincible action movie heroine thing is acting up again), but she does get some hair pulled out. She spits at him, but somehow the hairpulling was creepier. BAR: 6

Bruce Willis sends a big ol' spray of blood into the villian's kisser, and then breathes heavily, ready for the beating to continue. More blood= bigger spray. BAR: 9

Bogart doesn't spit blood, but says something to REALLY piss them off. Sometimes words speak louder then actions...but not always. BAR: 8

CHALLENGE 4: DARKEST MOMENT!!!

Suprise everyone! Your darkest moments have come to haunt you!

Christopher Walken, do you remember...WHO AM I THIS TIME, AN ORIGINAL USA ROMANTIC COMEDY?! DO YOU?!!! It might be a Kurt Vonnegut story (one of literature's great badasses), but it's his sappiest story. Bonus: he does Streetcar Named Desire, but is nowhere as badass in the part as Brando! BAR: 4

Willum Dafoe, do these words mean anything to you...American Dreamz? The Hitchhiker? XXX: State of the Union? Or how about that great movie you were in after Spider Man 1...what was it again...oh yes, NOTHING!!! BAR: 4

Samuel Jackson shame on you. I understand you were completely star-struck when you working with George Lucas as Mace Windu (and I like the purple lightsabre), but you read that part exactly as George Lucas wrote it for you. Real men take risks...although I do give you credit for making the part of Frozone your own...still, you had the perfect chance to be a badass in a Star Wars movie and got overshadowed by Yoda (come on, you could have at least told Lucas that Jango looked stupid just standing there while you whacked off his head). BAR: 3

Lucy, I'm afraid I have two things for you. First, I know I already touched base on your lousy Japanese, but if you can't do it, then why keep trying? Just tell Quentin that your character prefers speaking in English all the time, and move on. Secondly, please turn down parts. I'm not saying you were bad in them, but I've seen your filmography, and some of these parts I wouldn't give to my dog. Please, learn to say no...but not to Matt Groening, you were awesome in Futurama (the secondmost kickass cartoon on television, with Boondocks' one-sided preaching getting it knocked down to third). BAR: 5

Bruce Willis. Hudson Hawk. I understand you did your best in Bonfire of the Vanities (and was the funniest thing in it), but you are solely responsible for Hudson Hawk. As soon as you're done apologizing for that, you can move on to 'The Kid'. BAR: 2

Remember that really terrible Humphrey Bogart movie? No, neither do I. BAR: 10

FINAL ROUND

This is it, the final round. We're covered beatings, cooking, defiance, and their weakest moment...now it's time for their strongest. The catch? There's only...35 points to go around.

Christopher Walken announces loudly, with supreme authority, that he's got to have more cow-bell. He's got a fever that only cow bell can cure! HE NEEDS IT!!!

Willum Dafoe resists threats and temptations from a being of pure evil, and is killed as a result. Of course, it's not hard to play the martyr when you're playing Jesus Christ. Platoon did it better. It takes a real badass to break your heart without evoking any pity.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers, and YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY VENGENCE UPON THEE!!!" Too bad his target wasn't more impressive than a chubby geek.

Guy talks smack about her family heritage and she collects his fucking head...and gives a very informative speech about it. Badass? Yes. Subtle? No, but I certainly don't have anything else to say, do you?

Bruce Willis takes away his weapon...then takes away his other one...twice. Pretty soon he was just pounding meat into the floor. Then he went outside and did what few hwould ave the courage to do. I love you Nancy.

It's tempting to give Bogey's final speech from the Big Sleep, but that wasn't his most badass moment. At the end of the Maltese Falchon, he finds out that the woman he loves killed his partner. They have the ultimate way to shift the blame to other guilty parties...but Bogey's having none of it. He doesn't get angry, he doesn't yell. He just turns her over to the police, and tells her that in eight or twelve years, when they finally let her go, he'll be there, waiting for her. She doesn't die, he doesn't get a sweet 'girl next-door' that was helping him all along the case, and he never stops loving her, but she's guilty, so she has to go to jail. Now that's guts. It's not exactly 'walking over glass' badass, but it's still badass.

CALCULATING

BAR SCORES:

Christopher Walken: 5.5
Willum Dafoe: 5.5
Samuel Jackson: 6.5
Lucy Liu: 5.5
Bruce Willis: 9
Humphrey Bogart: 7

FINAL SCORES:

5th + 6th place: 32.5 points - A tie between Christopher Walken and Lucy Liu

Everyone knows they're both badasses, but both fall short of legendary badasses. They didn't do that badly though, and each did best in their own categories: Creepily Funny Badass and Sexy Badass.

4th place: 33 points - Bruce Willis

I'm getting nosebleeds looking at Bruce's career. He's achieved the highest levels of badassery, and plumbed its very depths. I'm afraid he's going to have to accept the consolation prizes of having banged Demi Moore, and the secure knowledge he could totally kick her new boyfriend's ass.

The Bronze: 34 points - Willum Dafoe

Willum Dafoe's specialty is taking parts that would not be badass if any other actor starred in the role, and turning the character into a complete ass kicker. The Green Goblin was a complete joke until Dafoe donned the green mask. Goody-two-shoes whistleblower in war movies become heart wrenching heroes. Do I even have to mention the homosexual cop in Boondock Saints? Is there any way to describe how awesome he was in the role? The bad news: although he brings a little bit of badass into every role he performs, I can count the truly badass characters he's played in movies on a single hand. We like what we see, Willum, but you'll have to settle for third.

The Silver: 34.5 points - Samuel Jackson

You cannot even begin to understand how much I wanted Samuel to win this, but alas, he only takes second. Did I possibly not give him enough credit for Pulp Fiction? Was I too hard on him for Star Wars? I stand by my ratings and present to you the one thing keeping Samuel from reaching the highest point on this chart: he doesn't take enough risks. It isn't that hard to be a badass when the word 'badass' is in the character description. In movies like Shaft, Snakes on a Plane, and SWAT (lot of S movies now that I think of it), it isn't that hard being a badass, but Coach Carter? Remember the Titans was better. The Great White Hype? You were merely crazy silly. Jackie Brown? Nothing new...and of course we can't ignore Star Wars. These aren't bad movies, but they should have been better, and could have been better if he took more chances with the roles.

Now, I don't want to spend all this time merely trashing him, because he's definitely earned the name on his wallet. From being the coolest hero in Incredibles, to being the ultimate badass yet repentant hitman in Pulp Fiction, to making our jaws fall and crash to the floor in Unbreakable, to stealing the show in a Time to Kill, and to so much more, you've earned your place...and who knows, Snakes on a Plane might just get me to change my mind.

THE GOLD, WINNER OF THE MOVIE BADASS COMPETITION: 35.5 points - Humphrey Bogart

Now some may call me impartial, but screw them, they can make their own blog.

Anyway, Bogart is truly the man, and no other actor from his era, or any era, can equal the performances he made in classics that will last the test of time: Casablanca, Maltese Falchon, the Big Sleep, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the Caine Mutiny and many more. What sets these movies apart from other 'top 100' movies is they would never had been as good if he wasn't in it (the Harrison Ford of his time...yes, I'm looking at you again Lucas). As a matter of fact, the only real weakness he has as a badass is that he doesn't completely fit the modern perspective of what a complete badass should be. He was a product of his times, back when men were soldiers who did the fighting and women were dames who took care of the home. Not PC, of course, but that's the way it was, and of the truly manly men, Bogart was king.

As the hero or villain, if he was talking, everyone else was listening. With each role he brought fire, rage, subtlety, and perhaps the most important part of being a badass: humanity. When Bogart's on the screen, he isn't a cybernetic cop, or a maverick cop with nothing to lose, or the greatest martial artist in the world. When he's up there, he's merely a single man, with human limitations. What makes Bogart a badass is the fact that just about anyone could do the things he does in the films, if they had the courage, the grit, and the will to do it. His body is flesh and bone, but his spirit and his personality are invincible. If a dog ran up and bit him, he would be hurt just like anyone else, but let's face it, that dog would never even try it.

It'd just cower and make him coffee. ^_^

Wow! Busy time at work. Now, onto a random geeky thought, and then the topic.

RANDOM GEEKY THOUGHT:

If Lister, from Red Dwarf, was suddenly young again and attending Hogwarts, I bet he'd be a Hufflepuff. Now, I know he's the main hero, and he is brave, but he's still not that brave, isn't that smart, and has absolutely no ambition. No, he's definitely a Hufflepuff. Rimmer, on the other hand, would quite possibly be the most pathetic Slytherin in the history of Hogwarts. He's all ambition, but has absolutely no ability to follow through with it. The Cat is also a Hufflepuff, being that he doesn't exactly fit anywhere else, and like Lister, has no ambition other that being the sexiest man alive. Kryton is a Ravenclaw, although I was briefly tempted to say he was Gryffindor, as he is very brave and is willing to sacrifice himself, but in his own words, he is like that because of his programming. His most defining characteristic is his ability to use rational thought and deductive reasoning to solve mysteries and save the rest of the group. Holly would also by Hufflepuff, for obvious reasons.

Now, onto the main topic, the ULTIMATE MOVIE BADASS SHOWDOWN!

It was late at night, so I don't really have any idea how the topic of conversation started, but my sister Amber and I began discussing which actor's the greatest badass in the history of movies.

First, we had to weed out some of the potentials, using the badass test: If they were alone in the artic wilderness with only a hunting knife, could they take down a bear?

Keanu Reeves- No.

Sean Connery/Harrison Ford- Although it's tempting to bring either of these men, who have achieved feats of badassery including, but not limited to: getting that guy the hell off his plane, being a highlander, snapping a subordinates neck, cutting the rope of the bridge while standing on it, being James Bond, and shooting Greebo first, neither of these men qualify. They are just not badasses. Harrison Ford could survive in the snow wasteland, Empire style, but there's no way he could take down a bear with a knife. He'd need a gun or Luke or something. If he was truly a badass, he would have fought that swordweilding guy instead of just shooting him. He's cool, he's awesome...but he isn't a badass. Sean Connery is smooth and cool, but his James Bond was, shall we say, a little light on the action. In fact, any James Bond would need an invisible car or exploding wristwatch to go along with that knife if he's going to beat that bear. Sean Connery is only a badass on SNL celebrity Jeopardy.

John Belushi- Although I'm certain he could take down a bear, there just wasn't a large enough sample of movies to declare him a movie badass. Sure, he has Animal House, Blues Brothers, and 1941 under his belt, but he also has 'Neighbors', and in that, he was anything but a badass (in fact, he seemed half-asleep, wonder what he was on at the time).

Kevin Kostner/Any Baldwin- No, and you're stupid for asking.

Mel Gibson/Russell Crowe/Al Pacino/Robert Deniro- No, but it was mostly their own choice. They may in fact be crazy badasses, even in real life, but they all decided they were going to also be sensitive, serious actors/directors as well, and you can't have it both ways. Also, in Gibson and Crowe's case when Southpark contributes a whole episode to making fun of you, it's pretty much over (Southpark being the most badass cartoon on the network, sorry but Boondocks has to take second).

Jean Claude Van Dam/Jackie Chan- studied ballet/dancing in teen years. Automatic disqualification.

Stephen Seagal- No, but closer then you'd imagine. He never did manage to reach the same level of badass in Under Seige though (level 8.7)

Uma Thermon/John Carradine- Both get honorable mentions for Kill Bill, but both have a nasty habit of starring in some of the worst movies ever made. Still, Kill Bill 1 & 2 are solid.

Bruce Campbell- Now settle down out there. Yes, Ash is one of the greatest badasses ever, but Bruce Campbell is not Ash. Bruce Campbell has been in a lot of movies, and the Evil Dead series alone does not a badass make.

Brad Pitt/Orlando Bloom- close, but not quite. Both these men lean just a little too far into the 'pretty boy' category, and despite their best efforts in movies such as Fight Club, Snatch, and the Lord of the Rings series.

Various horror movie stars/monsters- let's face it, they fight like cowards.

Anime/Cartoon/Video Game characters- let's face it, they're not real. They're just ink and pixels (alhtough Donald Duck gets an honorable mention).

Arnold Schwartzenegger/Sylvester Stallone/Vin Diesel/John Wayne/Clint Eastwood- Technicalities mostly: Arnold's never been a badass. He's just big and strong. Stallone starred in porn. Badasses watch porn, and screw porn stars, but they don't star in porn. Why? Because it almost certainly required being naked in front of a bunch of guys, and even if they're cameramen, that's a little gay. As for Vin Diesel...whatever happened to him? John Wayne was a badass, to be sure, but he never really took many risks. He tended to play the same role over and over, and although it was a badass role...well, see Bruce Campbell above for details. Clint Eastwood would definitely be getting top honors...if it weren't for 'Paint Your Wagon'. Why Clint? Why?

So who does that leave? The final six!

Christopher Walken- Not only would that bear be killed and skinned, but he'd be thoroughly creeped out first. Christopher Walken started being a loony badass in Annie Hall, and has continued to this day. Now it's true, he's been in some questionable movies, but as Robot Chicken proved, Chris could sell breakfast sausage and sound crazy and unsettling. From being the ultimate creepy brother of a girlfriend, to holding the only picture of an orphan's dead mother over a flame, to being the Headless Horseman, and to dancing to 'Weapon of Choice' through an empty airport, Walken is the man. Yes, I said dancing disqualified you, but I'll make an exception. I don't want to be on this man's bad side.

Lucy Liu- From slicing heads off in Kill Bill, to countless Asian action movies, to Futurama, to Shanghai Noon, to being the only Angel that could actually kick ass, Lucy Liu has earned this spot. That bear is sliding neatly in half as she fashions a furry white adorable outfit to warm herself, with her smiling face peaking out...sorry, got distracted there. Onto the next!

Willem Dafoe- Everyone who just said "Who?" immediately hit yourself, and go see Boondock Saints, where he stars as the most badass gay character in movie history. He doesn't stop there of course, and also starred as the incredibly hardcore Green Goblin, and arguably one of the toughest soldiers in movie history in Platoon. Okay, so he's been in a lot of movies where he wasn't a badass at all, but he did all this AND was crucified upon a cross. Now that's tough!

Samuel L. Jackson- Recently he's become a bit of a parody of himself, but here's a man who's earned the words on his wallet. Pulp Fiction, Jurassic Park, A Time to Kill, the Incredibles (kickass movie), Shaft, Diehard 3, the only good thing in Star Wars episodes 1 through 3, and he's about to get those snakes off his motherf'ing plane. Now, you might say that he gets killed a lot in the movies he's in. Now there's a badass. He isn't afraid to get killed off in his movies. He'll walk on, be a complete badass, get riddled with bullets, and then get eaten by a shark. You have to give credit to the man who has the guts to announce, at his trial, 'Yes they deserved die, and I hope they burn in hell!'

Humphrey Bogart- It's hard to be more of a badass then Bogey, though you have to accept that Bogey was a badass in more subtle ways. Everyone remembers him as his hardened detectives, fearless soldiers and heartless villains, but just as Samuel isn't afraid to die, Bogey isn't afraid to appear weak and vulnerable. His broken, obsessive captain in the Caine Mutiny, to his honestly panicked scene in the African Queen with the Leeches, Bogey was a badass without hiding behind a fake, macho persona. He'd beat the bear. He wouldn't beat it as easily as the others did, but you'll completely believe that the fight was real. Bonus: Bogey brought another piece of realism to his parts. He has a scar on his lip, where he was punched very hard when he was younger. Before he hits anyone in a movie, he scratches that spot on his lip. So when he's scratching that spot, he's honestly getting himself psyched up to tear someone apart. Bonus 2- his wife Lauren Bacall, went on to marry Frank Sinatra (music's biggest badass ever) after Bogart's death.

Bruce Willis- Although he had a weak middle (Hudson Hawk, Bonfire of the Vanities/Countless horrible movies I won't watch including the Kid/Unbreakable) Bruce Willis won my heart with badass roles in movies such as Die Hard 1-3, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, 12 Monkeys, and Sin City (emphasis). Bruce Willis was the only action movie star of the 80's/90's who wasn't afraid to take a beating through the movie. When will Hollywood learn? A mortal hero who pushes himself through unspeakable pain and torment, is far more interesting then an invincible one (Less Superman, More Batman). Any doubt as to whether he should make the list was erased with his role as Hartigan in Sin City (ties with Clint Eastwood's character in Unforgiven as the most badass character over 50 years old).

Which is the greatest? Next week!