One Week Since I Pimped My Published Story

Wow, the time does fly! It seems like only yesterday that I was shamelessly promoting myself. Ah...the memories.


www.mississippicrow.com


Issue number five! 'How to Cook Roast Dragon'! Shameless!

Here's the story:

How to Cook Roast Dragon

Uh...you can still buy it though. There's like, other neat stuff in...damn it, I keep accidentally giving away everything for free. What would Machiavelli say? It'd be in Italian for starters. Anyone know Italian? That'd be awkward.

Anyway, let's move on to bigger and better things, such as the subtle art of not losing your pants. Let me set up the scene for you:

I'm having a nice time chatting and drinking coffee with a group of people I recently met, some of whom are women. Eventually, after shamelessly promoting my published story, it was time to leave.

As I stood from my chair, I felt a strange, invisible force pulling my pants directly downwards. I'm serious.

It felt exactly like an invisible man was forcibly pulling my jeans towards my ankles. In reality, my pants probably got stuck to the chair I was sitting in, although I can't see how. I'm still thinking it was some invisible guy. I'm looking at you Christian.

Anyway, no matter how hard I pull up, they were being pulled down just as quickly. Not difficult enough? Not three feet from me was an underage, teenage girl.

Do these kinds of things happen to normal people? Did Abraham Lincoln ever have an invisible force yank down his pants in the middle of a speech? Franklin, certainly, but Lincoln?

I think not. At least nowhere as frequently. I just seem to be a natural magnet for 'Abbot and Costello'-like disasters. Just ask Amber (Wandering Knitter), she'll tell you.

Don't get me wrong, there is an upside to this. You may scoff, but at one point in your life, I'm betting you're going to be stuck in the middle of a sitcom-like catastrophe. You laugh now, but when you have to host a bachelor party and a knitting club in the same building, are you going to be ready?

When the health inspector arrives in the middle of food fight, are you going to know what to say?

When you get trapped in an elevator with your worst enemy, are going to be able to work out your differences without getting 'last season of Mash' serious?

When John Ritter drops dead on camera, are you going to deliver the punch line?!

No! I don't think so! I think you're going to crack. You'll blissfully coast through life, right up until you rent a pony for your daughter's birthday, and your neighbor's dog chases it out into the street, but you don't realize for a half hour, and by the time you find it, it's already wandered into a Walmart, with your daughter still on its back. Oh, and who's that next to them? Why it's your nosy neighbor, shopping with her good friend from out of town, the pope.

Now me, I'm used to shit like that. Take that moment, where an invisible adversary was yanking down my pants in full view of twelve adults, and two underage girls. How would you avoid going to jail? What do you do?

Why, you sit right back down, of course. No, don't struggle with it, that'll only make it worse. Just sit right back down, and look very interested in what everyone's saying. Now, subtly move your hands down and tug frantically at your pants. Figure out where you're stuck. Don't leave until it's free.

There you go! Your pants are free, and you didn't humiliate yourself, or go to jail! Aren't you happy that weird crap like this happens to you on a weekly basis? I sure am. It means I'll always be prepared.

Oh sure, laugh it off. When your evil, identical cousin shows up, I'll be the one laughing! ^_^

YOU GOT: PUBLISHED PIECE!

Published piece fires three spinning 'ego-booster-bombs' that roll across the ground and explode upon striking an enemy.

GOOD AGAINST: CUT-MAN

SECRET: When fighting Mitch, if you fire 'published piece' at him and press start just when the first bomb hits, he gets a headache and leaves to get a beer from the fridge. When he asks 'do you want one?' select 'yes'.

Then go forward one screen and gun down Dr. Wiley like a dog in the street.


These late 80's video game references doing anything for you?


No? Well, I GOT PUBLISHED, SO WHO CARES!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Yes, I know I already mentioned it last week, but my pessimistic nature refused to declare it a certainty until I saw the proof. Besides, they're using the FULL VERSION! HOO-HAA! I think Pat will be pleasantly surprised by the picture of Chev Ivins. ^_^

In a few weeks the issue will go on sale, and just to begin the shameless self-pimpage, it's issue #5 of Mississippi Crow, an independent literary magazine, which is very reasonably priced considering the wonderful artwork and content (I mean, my piece is in it, so you know its gotta be great).

You can get the issue at:

www.mississippicrow.com

Now, I know you're asking yourself, where did they even see Max? Did Max hunt them down on a tropical island, one by one cornering them on rocky cliffs, and forcing them to read a short story that he feel would be perfect for their publication?

Believe it or not, that plan didn't work out nearly as well as anticipated. Actually, they saw me at the writing web site I'm a part of. It's a great site for showing around your work, and it's free if you don't want the extra features. You can read my stuff at:

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/robertmfreeman


With that, I'm calling it an early week. Work's been busy. If you want more, just check out the stuff above. If you want to sleep anytime soon, I'd avoid 'Apple Core'. I kinda went a bit overboard (intentionally of course) in honor of Halloween.

Take care everyone, and always, thanks for reading!

MAX VERSUS INTERNET REAL HONEST TO GOD FINAL: SECOND LIFE

We're going to go through a simple point versus point style match, and we'll count them up at the end. For those of you just tuning in, my battle against the internet is in sudden death mode (ME: 4, INTERNET: 4, Draw: 1) and for the finale, Second Life is being matched against my 'actual life'. Let's do this!


SECOND LIFE: Requires computer.

REAL LIFE: Requires computer.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Free.

REAL LIFE: Taxes.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Choose your name.

REAL LIFE: I didn't get to choose my name...but my middle name is Max. Awesome.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 30 minutes.

REAL LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 13 years.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: "Someone know hot make box screen?"

REAL LIFE: "I'm looking for a book. It has a brown cover, and chapter one is about a guy driving a truck. Which book is that?"

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Shut people up with the click of a button.

REAL LIFE: Actually have to leave.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Requires Quicktime.

REAL LIFE: Requires Windows Media Player.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Boring free videos.

REAL LIFE: Mostly boring free television.

POINT REAL LIFE...BY A HAIR


SECOND LIFE: Walk like a jerk.

REAL LIFE: Up to you.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Free chain mail shirt.

REAL LIFE: Where the hell's my free chain mail shirt?

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Lift up and fly into the air on a whim.

REAL LIFE: Go to the airport, spend forever going through security, get cramped into seat meant for someone roughly 1/2 your size, sit next to a screaming baby, and watch your free Adam Sandler movie.

POINT SECOND LIFE, WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE


SECOND LIFE: No drowning.

REAL LIFE: Drowning. Man, that sucks.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: What the...I can't put down my arm. Now I'm just waving it around randomly while everyone stares.

REAL LIFE: Rarely happens.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Change day to night with a click.

REAL LIFE: Have to wait for up to twelve hours.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Randomly accosted by virtual pimp.

REAL LIFE: Rarely accosted by real pimp.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Pretend sex.

REAL LIFE: Real sex.

POINT AND PENICILLIN SHOT FOR REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Slow loading times, and buggy animation.

REAL LIFE: Fully realistic, real time animation.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: People hilariously plummet from the sky.

REAL LIFE: Rarely happens. Not so hilarious when it does.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Go anywhere with a click.

REAL LIFE: Has places actually worth going.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Free orgy room.

REAL LIFE: None that I know of.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Sailor Moon themed islands.

REAL LIFE: None. Thank god.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: People randomly hang themselves.

REAL LIFE: Not so often, and never more than once each.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Run over small animals with your car! Ha!

REAL LIFE: Hilarious!

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Not allowed to have fun crashing cars.

REAL LIFE: Crashing cars not fun.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Walk straight through branches.

REAL LIFE: SMACK!

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Somewhat buggy. Get perpetually stuck in place and walk up walls.

REAL LIFE: Hey, I want to walk up walls!

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: People openly furries.

REAL LIFE: People secretly furries.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: No sense of touch or smell.

REAL LIFE: Pain and garbage.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Buy virtual goods and pretend you have them.

REAL LIFE: Buy real goods and actually have them.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Mall has no snacks, munchies, slurpies, frosties or real teenage girls.

REAL LIFE: Has all that, but you're not supposed to look at the teenage girls.

REGARDLESS, POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Fire doesn't affect you.

REAL LIFE: FIRE BAD!

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: No one does anything but obsess on sex and fictional characters.

REAL LIFE: You can see where I'm going with this.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: While minding your own business, turn around to find that a giant, seven foot replica of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetsons, is towering over you, with giant metal mincers, a horrifyingly mishapen head, and a greyish-flesh tone body.

REAL LIFE: Run screaming from the room and hide under bed, secure with the knowledge that you've never brought a Frankensteinesque pop culture reference into the world.

THE REALLY SCARY THING IS THAT SOMEONE SPENT MANY HOURS CREATING THAT. POINT REAL LIFE, WITH A VENGENCE


That's it. It's time to tally up. Drum roll, please.


...


...


Tension!


...


Suspense!


...


Imaginary sound effects!


...


SECOND LIFE: 12

REAL LIFE: 13




I won.


I won?


I WON!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!


MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET FINAL SCORE: 5-4-1


YES! The epic journey is over! Odysseus can finally come home, kill some suitors and sleep with his wife! After the good portion of the year, my battle against the over-hyped, porn spewing, ad-machine is over!


I CAN FINALLY SAY IT!








THE INTERNET WINS!!!!!!






Yes, the internet wins.

I got more points, defeated it in glorious combat, and it still wins.

Why?

The internet owns me.

It occurred to me, about halfway through the competition, that I probably should have a final round where I see how long I can go without using the internet...and I can't do it. Even if I only used it for work, I still need the internet for everything now, and it's accessible on virtually every computer on the planet! Limitless information and entertainment is merely one click away!

E-mail! Messaging! Ebay! Meeting people! Game groups! Blogs! Online stores! Wikipedia (remember having to go to the library?)! Cartoons! Porn...which I've heard other people quite enjoy! Research! Google! I-tunes! Free videogames! News! Immediate feedback! Free useful computer tool programs! Coupons! Movie reviews! Free TV shows! Netflix! Youtube!

THE SMUG SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT NO MATTER HOW FAT AND STUPID YOU CAN BE, THERE ARE PEOPLE A BILLION TIMES FATTER AND DUMBER!!!


Sigh...I can beat it in a competition, prove it's overrated and silly, but I can't deny that it's the most important invention since the computer itself.

Besides, thanks to the internet, and www.writing.com (screenname 'Blompkin'), I'm actually getting published next month in an independent magazine!

Specifically, 'How to Cook Roast Dragon' is getting published in 'Mississippi Crow' (issue 5), which will soon be available at www.mississippicrow.com!


Yes, I put up a good fight, but I feel like an eight year old who finally beat his seventeen year old brother in chess. Sure, I won, but he can still push me over on a whim, and I need him to drive me to the mall later.


In fact, I'm just going to say it: THE INTERNET RULES! It's most websites that suck!


Just not this one. ^_^

MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET FINAL BATTLE: SECOND LIFE

The last challenge, the one that will decide the ultimate conflict between man and machine...well, between geek and network at least...will be done in the internet's solution for a sci-fi 'Snow-crashesque' internet world: Second Life.

Over the course of the week, I'm going to be going into second life and then comparing it to similar tasks/events in first life, and by first life, I mean the real world. Admittedly, the internet is very useful, but it's been touted as nothing less than its own world.

I say that world sucks. You can't touch anything, it gets really slow for no reason, it's filled with really stupid people, and anything you buy is either a picture, sound, or something you're not going to receive for two weeks.

So...this might be kind of a short post, as it's going to be done over the course of a week. To tide you over, here's a silly story I wrote. I hope you like it:


Vince, the Stone with the Sword



It all started when that knight stabbed me.

Seriously, what the hell?

Did I ever do anything to him? No!

Did I insult him, or deal him personal injury? Of course not!

In fact, up to that point, I had not hurt as much as a flea, steal as much as a piece of copper, or said a single word against anyone.

Granted, I was a rock, but that’s no reason to run up and stick a sword in me! I mean, I didn’t even understand the concept of pain until that magic blade nearly split me in two! Why couldn’t he just drop it on the ground? It wasn’t as if he was going to miss and lose the damn thing!

…

That was Vince’s side of the story anyway. The bards and scribes that chronicle the adventures, fates and (inevitable) tragic deaths of heroes, painted a more poetic picture. In their version (which will hereafter be referred to as ‘the truth’), they dramatically describe the ancient Lord Brunswager (Broons-wag-er) the 1st’s battle with the Uberkelwinskisaurus (half dragon, half something that definitely wasn’t a dragon) where the Lord received the fatal blow that would claim his life.

The Lord fought bravely, landing blow after blow, all while deftly avoiding the beast’s horns, claws, beak, tentacles, hooves, tail, fangs, tongue and enormous eyelids.

Sadly, despite the telling blow that Lord Brunswager landed on the creature's exposed brain, he didn’t see its left eyelid coming, and it landed a crushing blink that nearly snapped the brave knight in two.

Up to that point, reality and Vince’s version of the story coincide fairly closely, except Vince claims that the Uberkelwinskisaurus was guarding an incredibly attractive and top heavy piece of limestone in distress.

Going back to the actual events, as the monster recoiled back into its cave to slowly die from its wounds, the triumphant Lord Brunswager found he could do little more than raise his mighty magic blade and cry out, in anguish…well, the scholars disagree on what Lord Brunswager’s last words actually were, before he stabbed the sword into the stone.

Most conservative scholars agree that Lord Brunswager said,
“My blood alone shall wield this sword!”

Some recent historians claim he actually said,
“This sword shall lead my people to their salvation!”

And according to Vince, he said,
“Die you stupid rock!”

…

“So in absolutely no time at all, say…five hundred years or so, the magic leaked completely from the sword into my strapping granite body, and suddenly I’m…what’s the word that means 'able to think'. Thinkable? I want to say…sextant? I’m sextant? Donna, what’s that word?”

Donna was a rather large piece of shale, and of course had nothing to say. That didn’t stop Vince though, who went on with his tirade,

“So it is sextant? Good, I was beginning to worry that I was beginning to lose it. Anyway, I was completely ready to offer the knight a place to sit, where he could tend his wounds, but noooooooooooooo! He had to be the big shot! He had to pick on the defenseless inanimate object! You agree with me, don’t you Phil?”

Phil, a small piece of basalt, had nothing to add to the conversation. He just kind of sat there, inanimate. Vince took that as a yes.

“Exactly my point! I mean, the knight 'probably' had a good reason for running me through like that, but what about my needs? Don’t I have a say, or am I just supposed to lie down and roll over any time a dying hero shows up with an ancient artifact?”

None of the rocks surrounding Vince disagreed with him.

“Exactly! It’s all you can do to keep people from tugging on this thing…”

Vince extended a rocky limb up to the hilt of the magic sword that penetrated his head. He used his other arm to pull himself up a bit, giving him a better view of his surroundings, in order to make sure that their secret meeting was not being spied upon. After being completely satisfied that they were alone, Vince opened his mouth and continued,

“…or keep thieves from trying to hammer and chisel it out. I have to say, if it weren’t for all those pencil heads declaring me a national monument, I never would have made it through those first few centuries…I was young back then…young and foolish.”

…

In fact, Vince didn’t have any thoughts at all until about five hundred years after receiving the sword.

His first thought was: ouch.

He repeated that thought for a short period of time…a decade or two, until he composed himself and realized that he was indeed a he, that he thought therefore he was, then ouch again, that he somehow understood the language of those around him, that there was a difference between right and wrong, ouch once more, and then he ended with the realization that the large piece of quartz across the field was totally making eyes with him.

All other thoughts that Vince has ever had since then, have been more or less irrelevant.

…

“What do you think, Barbara?”

Barbara, the piece of quartz in question, just sat off to the side, coyly. Vince inched a bit closer to her (as a rule, any rock that Vince round attractive was female),

“Oh come on Barbara, you can talk to me. You know as well as anyone how unfairly I’ve been treated! This thinking business has really been getting on my nerves. The last wizard that came around to look at me actually tried to teach me to read. I just drew myself up and shouted, ‘I’LL TEACH YOU TO READ!’

Yeah, that showed him. What do you think, Gabrielle?”

Gabrielle, with her dark and smooth features, remained expressionless and distant (about 35 feet away). Their brief love affair had left her a bit cold towards Vince, at least as far as he was concerned.

“Fine, be that way!”

Vince sighed, which wasn’t easy for a stone, and made a few small hops towards the center of the gathering.

“Well, it’s been really nice talking to you guys, but I’ve got to head off and see how my friends on the other side of the lake or doing. Who knows, maybe that descendant of that evil knight will finally come around to claim…”

A young man peered out of a bush, to get a better view of the bizarre scene. Vince noticed him immediately, and took note of the young man’s great height, strong chin, blue eyes, blond hair and muscular physique. The young man had what was easily recognizable as all the trappings of a hero that had arrived to claim what was rightfully his.

Vince knew exactly what to do.

He threw Phil at him.

The young man dodged and ran off in a blind panic towards the lake, where he nearly tripped over Hubert and struck his head upon Shelly. Vince hopped over to retrieve Phil, and then carefully placed him alongside his other friends. Vince ,the rock, then gave him a thumbs up and announced,

“Me and my buddy Phil, are a mean team.”

Vince then happily hopped away towards the lake, leaving his friends behind (but not before stopping to give Barbara a small kiss upon her cleavage). Perhaps he’d go for a swim, and say hello to all his friends at the lake bottom.

In this way, Vince passed the days, and didn’t seem the slightest bit disturbed that the other rocks didn’t share his intelligence…

Actually, to speak the truth, the rock the Uberkelwinskisaurus died upon received some of the beast’s magical aura, bestowing upon it a measure of intelligence and sentience.

It wasn’t enough to allow him to move, but it was enough to allow him to realize that he probably has it better than most other rocks, and that Vince was a complete lunatic.

Vince calls him Patsy.

MOONINITES ATTACK!

I forgot to mention, before leaving the Quincy Market, I fell down again, this time down a very short flight of stairs.

I went back to get evidence of their steepness and/or disrepair, but found them to be perfectly normal, which made it kind of hard to justify falling down them...especially after running into that poor woman.

It's okay, she was very nice and understanding. You see, there were two steps between the ground and the building, and at a glance, I thought there was only one. My first step landed halfway between two steps, vaulting me forwards, into that poor nice lady. Man, I wasn't even drunk.

I drank more caffeine, just to be sure, and checked out Paul Revere's house. There was a huge line, and he never completed that famous ride anyway, so I decided to skip it.

In case I've never mentioned it, Paul Revere started the ride with two other men, Prescott and Dawes. Shortly after starting, they were intercepted by British troops, who called for their surrender.

Paul Revere surrendered.

Seriously.

Prescott and Dawes rode on, braving the possible hail of bullets, and completed the famous ride that surrender monkey Revere gets credit for. Why does Revere get all that undeserved praise? The poem only mentioned him, and the poem got famous. Either the poet liked him more, or as Amber says, Revere just sounds better in a poem than Prescott or Dawes.

Afterwards I ran into Boston's massive Italian district. You know, I expected a large visible Irish presence (there wasn't), but it was the Italians that worked the hardest at making their presence known, with a very large number of Italian restaurants (I wonder if they still had clam chowder? I'm pretty sure it's mandatory, by Boston law).

A neat, spooky old graveyard was the next stop, and it was there I found one of the most interesting pieces of history I've ever discovered...but I'll wait to tell you about that another time. I want to properly give it justice (also, I left my notes on it at home, so I don't remember the details). Let's just say: it's awesomely spooky.

Before long I was tracing the harbor, passing strange abandoned buildings, all with the signs 'government property' on them. I don't know why the government is calling dibs on Silent Hill locations, but that's their deal. I got lost amongst those weird buildings (and kept an eye out for guys in pyramid shaped hats) and...I FOUND ONE!

The navy!

It was the U.S.S. Constitution, in all its glory!

Wow!

So I wasted no time, and marched right into a Starbucks.

What? It was like 9 billion degrees! I was nearly melting onto the pavement, and only non-stop liquid refreshment from the best corporate coffee retailer kept me from perishing right there on the sidewalk.

The U.S.S. Constitution (or Old Ironsides as it's often called) is a perfectly restored 1800's era ship, that was used to fight the British in the war of 1812, and remains in perfect condition to this day. Of course, now it's permanently harbored in Boston as a floating museum, its Limey killing days far behind it.

Old Ironsides never lost a single battle, never retreated, and got its nickname when a cannonball struck its wooden side dead on...and bounced off, harmlessly. DAMNNNNNN.

Of course, to get to the ship I had to go through a security checkpoint that had all the trimmings. The female navy officer made me dump everything I had into a tray that went through an x-ray machine, while I stepped through a metal detector.

She even asked me to take off my belt, which if you're a guy, is always nice to hear from a woman.

The ship was absolutely amazing, as was the nice, cold beverage at their snack stand afterwards. With that, I was beat. I took a look at the WW2 warship they had next door, but I was too tired to go inside.

That was it, I was spent. It was time for dinner.

And what an unbelievably mediocre dinner it was! Granted, it started with an absolutely wonderful bowl of Clam Chowder, served by a procession of gorgeous waitresses, each wearing a low cut, short black dress, but the 'Shepard's Pie' was absolutely pathetic. I forget the name of the place, but it was a short name, only a few letters long. The people inside seemed to be enjoying themselves, but I can't see why (unless they didn't order entrees).

Imagine this: hamburger, taken directly from the package, minced and cooked with no sauce. Add chopped up generic veggies. Do not season it in any way. Overcook it a little. Throw it into a bowl. Toss generic mashed potatoes on it. Melt on a little cheese. Presto. Crap.

I am not exaggerating when I say they did not flavor it in any way. No sauce, no gravy, and no spices. Christ, I would have settled for salt and pepper at that point.

Still, I was on vacation, and in no mood to fuss. I took two bites, paid the bill, walked across the street, sat in another restaurant, and ordered dinner.

Hot Pots (or something to that effect), was a wonderful Thai restaurant (no clam chowder though). I ordered the duck soup with sticky rice, and this was some of the stickiest rice I've ever had. I almost needed a chisel (it's a good thing). The soup itself was immense in proportion, and had a mini-lantern below it (the kind used for indoor smores), which kept it warm. Despite the several small pieces of bone I had to be on the look out for, it was delicious, a cross between tender duck and sweet, onion soup.

It was then that I came upon my theory for Boston:

The restaurants in Boston can either have good Clam Chowder, or good entrees, but not both. The theory was proven on Sunday, when I ate the last meal of the trip at the wonderful legendary Union Oyster House, where I was treated to a Samuel Adams beer (mediocre, but surprisingly alcoholic), two magnificent Crab Cakes, and a mediocre bowl of clam chowder.

True, it was still the fourth best bowl I've ever eaten, but I was shocked that a restaurant famous for their fantastic seafood would serve up a mediocre bowl of Boston's most legendary dish. It's either one or the other, and frankly, I far preferred the crab cakes. Boston can take it's Shepard pie and shove it.

Well, that was about it. Boston. Wow. It's like a city they made before they knew what cities were supposed to be. At no point was it completely revised or reconstructed. It just started as a small port city, and as the years passed, they just added more and more.

Churches, colleges, wars, politics, businesses, tourists, cartoon aliens and soup.

Boston, I salute you.

Just enough with the Red Sox already. I'm sick of it. Which reminds me of my favorite conversation overheard during the trip, at the Oyster House:


GUY 1: "I love the Red Sox! We should make a band completely based on the Red Sox!

GUY 2: "Well, I really like fruit punch. Are we going to make a band about that too?"


Guy number two, I salute you...for keeping it all in perspective.

DOWN HERE?

I don't know why my blog randomly sinks a few pages down (just to annoy me it seems to have stopped for now), but I'm too distracted by this article I read on videogame movies to care. It lists the 5 worst videogame movies ever as:

1. Super Mario Brothers (yes)

2. Doom (alright)

3. Street Fighter (very yes)

4. House of the Dead (Uwe Boll should die...just as a career move)

5. Resident Evil: Apocalypse (I can think of three worse video game movies)


Yeah, they're probably right, but enough of the 5 worst video game movies, let's list the 5 best!

1. The original Mortal Kombat. It's actually a very good action movie that stays fairly true to the original plot. One of the reasons it's great, and Street Fighter isn't, is that it actually stars talented martial artists (most of whom go on to star in the hilariously over the top TV series 'WMAC Masters'. Jonny Cage also adds some much needed laughs, and his fight scene with Scorpion is the best in the movie.

2. The first Resident Evil. It's honestly scary, it stays fairly true to the plot, the main female character is hawwwwwwwt, and the red queen is as creepy and vicious as little girls truely are. A must have (ever since it went to the bargain bin).

3. Silent Hill. Anyone who says otherwise is a massive tool. This movie was visually amazing, genuinely creepy, again fairly faithful to the plot, and has more memorable scenes then the entire Friday the 13th series put together. Yes, the ending was kind of weak, but they were trying to simultaneously please the foriegn fans of the film, who liked its spooky, existential atmosphere. The best true 'ghost story' that's come out in years.


4. Project Snake. The Metal Gear movie. What? You've never heard of a Metal Gear movie? That's because it was made by X-Strike Studios, an independent movie studio comprised of 20something actors who create hilarious and surprisingly well made spoofs of videogames into movies. All their stuff is really good, but Project Snake is definitely the best of them. Other movies include River City Rumble (based on River City Ransom), Silent Horror (based on Silent Hill), and Nth Mile: The Parrappa the Rappa story (I kid you not). I hate going on a rant, but I've always loved them. They're at www.x-strikestudios.com.

5. Final Fantasy: Advent Children. I'm not sure how 'Spirits Within' didn't make the worst videogame movie list, but Advent Children is a gift from the gaming Gods to videogame fans everywhere. Not only is it an exciting, wonderful movie, but it also gives the series closure, and lets us say a final farewell to one of gaming's most beloved characters. No, not Sephiroth. No, not Cloud. No, not the child that Sephiroth and Cloud had in your fanfic...Aeris! For God's sake...


Oh, and why isn't Mortal Kombat: Annihilation on that list? That powerfully sucked. They change 2/3 of the cast, kill Johnny Cage in the first 5 minutes, and the only good stunts are done by Liu Kang's stuntman, Tony Jaa (from Ong Bak).

Double Dragon was also worse than Resident Evil: Apocalypse. I didn't even see Resident Evil: Apocalypse and I can say that Double Dragon was worse. It wasn't worse than Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat 2, but lord was it bad.


MORE THAN A FEELING

Back to Boston. Saturday morning I woke up and took a shower. Nothing much to speak of there. The city was still fairly empty, which was fine by me.

I stopped by a local hole in the wall breakfast joint, and was treated to the best hash browns I've ever eaten. They FRIED them. Yum! I even took a picture of them for posterity.

Today I would walk the historic freedom trail, a long line of historical landmarks through the city. First stop was the Boston Common, which was a literal smorgisborg of homeless people. Luckily most of them were still asleep (I assume the Common is a popular crashing place), and after watching a particularly brave squirrel encroach upon the 'birds' turf, I found the most generic monument ever. It was a large gazebo dedicated to the city in general, for no particular reason. That's it. It was sad.

The NEXT monument was far from sad. Thirty foot tall pillar with a soldier on top, and angels surrounding the base, dedicated to the men who died in the civil war. Now THAT'S a monument!

The first stop on the historic trail was Starbucks. It was really fricking hot, and I needed a frappacino really bad. The second stop was an old church where generic historic things happened, the most interesting one being when the construction of the subway almost killed the head minister, when a pipe burst and buried his study in a tidal wave of mud. His sermon the next week was on the EVILS of the subway.

The second stop was a few boring cemetaries. A little girl passed me, asking why they were looking at a cemetary when they never heard of any of the people buried there. She had a point.

The third stop was the John Hancock building (snicker), but I wasn't allowed in, I was only allowed to look at it as I passed by the General Hooker entrance (double snicker). I remember the large statue of the General sitting proudly on his horse, with the word printed below him, in giant letters: HOOKER (oh come on, even the guys back in 1776 had to be snickering!)

The fourth stop was another Starbucks. Did I mention it was hot?

The fifth stop was an old statehouse where men in suits slammed their fists down hard and shouted 'HARUMPH'. They had this neat diorama of the city of Boston, and if you pressed a button marked a certain event, it'd light up the spot where the event happened. Oh, for a little Godzilla figure.

There was a neat display about the radical left wing political types that were as whiny and annoying two hundred years ago as they are today. There was also a very nice and poignant quote by an African American speaker who asked 'Is what Britian did to you even a hundreth as bad as what you've done to my people?'

I imagine there were a lot of uncomfortable coughs and whistles in that room.

The sixth stop (there were more places in the trail, these are just the places I stopped) was a museum dedicated to the Boston Massacre. Apparently a lot of drunk guys started hooting, hollering and throwing garbage at some British soldiers, and in response the soldiers mowed them down with gunfire (I think the British were getting warmed up for Ireland).

I saw an original copy of the famous flier depicting the event, and a few weapons marked as early American muskets, which a friendly teacher who happened to also be on the tour, informed me weren't accurate. Apparently those were actually mainly used by the British, and were the main reason they lost the war. They used short muskets that could hit things 50 feet away. We used muskets that could hit things 100 feet away, from around trees, and our enemies were even color coded bright red for our convenience (Britian always seems to be preparing to fight the last war...at the beginning of World War I, they had the best horse calvary in the world...which went about as well as you imagine).

Quincy market was next, and it was there I ate the best bowl of Clam Chowder in all of Boston. It's at a small place called 'The Oyster Bar'. To be honest, the soup at the Whiskey Tavern was probably a bit better, but at the Oyster Bar, you get it in a sourdough bread bowl. Beyond any measure of yummness. Off the chart.

I saw Cheers. Not much to mention except that they re-created the main bar area. It was also at a gift shop around there that I found the perfect gift for Heather: an item that represents the heart and soul of all Boston...

A teddy bear dressed in a lobster outfit.

It doesn't get more real then that.

Seventh stop was a Starbucks.

...

Wow, a lot happened on Saturday, so I think I'll leave the rest for next time. Nothing happened on Sunday though (except I came close to missing my train home...stupid late subway trains), so next time will be the rest!

Peace.

There's Actually a Fair Bit of Ocean Between Boston and St. John's

The train trip up to Boston included the worst Dunkin Doughnuts Coolata I've ever tasted (burnt, spoiled and over-sweetened), and a neverending gaggle of loud, merciless children.

Luckily, the kids didn't have the willpower or determination to keep the racket up long, and for the most part it was a nice train ride, coupled with an interesting conversation about the civil war with a man who barely spoke English. It was almost two bucks for a can of soda though. Lame. I brought my own for the return trip.

The most startling discovery of the train trip was that George gets his ear blown off by Snape.

The second most startling discovery of the train trip home was that Trenton, New Jersey, was not the worst city I passed. Nope, it was Providence, Rhode Island. The place looked like a war zone, after the battle was over. There was debri and graffitti everywhere, but no gangs. They ran out of stuff to do. The blasted out landscape reminded me of the ancient nation of Crete, that didn't exactly fall as much as everyone got bored and left. Any invaders found there was nothing there worth having, let alone worth taking. Sad.

Anyway, Amber's words of 'that suitcase is kind of heavy' quickly began to haunt me as I dragged the brown rectangular block of cement down the streets of Boston.

I always thought I hated cities, but it turns out I just hate large cities, like New York and Wasington DC. Most of Boston barely qualifies as a city, and looks more like New Hope, only with a third story. It may as well have been a suburb when I walked down the quiet, empty streets towards my hotel. Sure, it was Friday afternoon, but it was still surprising how quiet it was, although the fact that Boston is kind of a college town, and it was the middle of Summer, probably had something to do with it.

I finally made it to the hotel, and the staff was friendly. My room had a definite 'college dorm' feel to it, but it had everything I needed, including a TV with a bad picture and a really loud air conditioner. It made me feel young again.

A quick shower later and I was out on the town. I didn't exactly know what I was doing or where I was going, but I had a map, disposable income, and I was too large to mug, so the city was my oyster.

I don't know how Guiliani got the crazy homeless people out of New York, but they all went to Boston. It wasn't out of control, but there was still one on every block. My favorite was the first one I saw. I was walking next to him (he looked normal enough...although take into consideration that I'm from Jersey), and when two people turned and passed, he turned towards them and shouted:

"You're disgusting!"

He spit.

"You do not lie to the police! You're disgusting!"

I (along with a pretty girl in a red dress) moved quickly along away from him. I wondered if he knew the guy or was crazy. He walked down the street for awhile and started shouting the same thing at someone else.

The next thing of interest I saw was the John Hancock tower. It was ridiculously huge compared to everything around it, and for the remainder of the trip, I'd use it to navigate the city. All I had to do was walk towards it and I'd be closer to the hotel.

After the tower was the Trinity church, which had awesome architecture, filled with tiny statues carved into the sides of the buildings, and a great statue of its founder, with an Emperor Palpatine-like statue of Jesus looming behind him.

I stopped by the CVS (the only convenience store nearby, no Wawas in Boston), and picked up a couple disposable cameras, to document the trip. If I had the forethought to bring a digital camera, you'd be looking at the pictures right now. Still, I'll see if I can scan them later.

I wandered into the 'college' area of town (Boston is split up into completely unique areas, like a videogame), and wandered past all the dang fangled kids and their hot girlfriends. Boston also has a college of music, so all the street bands/performers were actually pretty good. After the college area was the 'commercial district', which pretty much solidified Boston's status as a life-size Sim City. In there I found a Boston Market (didn't eat there, but it was comforting to know that Boston had one), the happiest dog I've ever seen, and an incredibly geeky store 'the complete strategist'.

It has all the content of Gamer's Realm, only 1/4 the space. It's the kind of store that has its products in piles. The owner was going on a rant about how Americans today have more reason to start a revolution against the government then our forefathers did when they fought the British. I decided it'd be impolite to slap him.

For the rest of Friday, I mostly wandered. I found a place called the back bay fens, which is a great park, filled with strange out of control wildlife and gardens you're not allowed to enter. There was also an abundance of chubby girls riding bikes, and as a Queen fan, there's no way I could have not loved it. One even had pig tails. ^_^

Anyway, I wound up by Fenway Park (I was looking for the '5 wits', a real life Myst game/ride), and was surprised by the amount of closed down stores. Apparently, staying open next to Fenway Park is difficult if you can't figure out a way to capitalize on it. The parking next to Fenway park cost $35, which shocked me pretty bad. I wondered why they didn't just park at the McDonalds across the street.

I then saw the sign listing parking at McDonalds during games costing $30. Dang.

I took a wrong turn and accidentally entered the 'bad part of town'. I took a few steps past a hedge and a filthy, deranged homeless man leapt out of nowhere towards me. After seeing me, however, he decided to turn around and look at the ground. Whatever craziness he had in mind (hooting, hollering and demanding money I suspect) was decided against when he saw that I had a full foot and a hundred pounds on him.

Throughout all of this I have to mention that I was drinking more than I ever had before. Well, Boston is known for drinking, and I was by no means an exception.

Water, juice, soda, you name it! I was guzzling it down just to stay alive. Then I fell down.

There was a pothole in the sidewalk that was more or less exactly the size of my shoe. I stepped in it, and the ridiculous reflexes I only seem to have when falling over kicked in. I turned and fell, landing on my back, but scraping up the side of my arm (it just finally finished healing this week). I needed a swig from my soda after that, but found that small bits of gravel had somehow kicked up into it. I was spitting out tiny bits of stone for the rest of the night.

I got some disinfectant, band-aids, and then the best clam chowder I've ever eaten (not all at the same location). Whiskey tavern had a mediocre lobster special (I have to admit though, I'd never broken apart a whole lobster before, and almost told the waitress that I'd been bluffing), but a dynamite bowl of soup. The secret is that the clam was very fresh, and nothing in the bowl overpowered the flavor of the clam. It wasn't too creamy or heavy, and everything perfectly accentuated the taste of the clam.

By then I was tired of walking, but I hobbled back to my room, passed a perfectly restored Volkswagon Beetle (awesome...too bad it was baby blue), and then ran into the craziest person in all of Boston. No one else I met during the trip even came close.

She was a pretty, normal looking college student. I didn't hear her speak and she did nothing out of the ordinary. What was she doing that was so crazy?

Jogging.

Alone.

At night.

I decided to take her last known photograph.

If it weren't for people like that, serial killers would actually have to get jobs.

I made it to my room, took another shower, watched a game of baseball and then went to sleep.

More on Saturday later.

POLITICS!

I apologize in advance, but I have to rant. If I don't, I'll explode. I'll try to make it quick.

BOOM!

Eh, exploding wasn't that fun...so I'll just go ahead and rant a little bit anyway. Don't worry, I'll do a full, sillier post tomorrow.

I have to rant because Ben Stein, who has long been the most rational, reasonable and intelligent 'old school' conservative I've ever known, has recently finished a movie about how schools and 'big science' are attacking the theory of intelligent design.

Here's his spiel, from his blog. Feel free to lightly skim:


I’m Ben Stein – many of you know me from the classic film, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” or from my Comedy Central show “Win Ben Stein’s Money”. Still others of you may know me as a speechwriter, for presidents Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford. You may even have read my books, attended one of my lectures at The American University, Washington DC, or seen me on the talk shows.

I’m glad you found this site, because I want to share with you my thoughts from time to time here about a subject that is very near and dear to me: freedom. EXPELLED: No Intelligence Allowed is a controversial, soon-to-be-released documentary that chronicles my confrontation with the widespread suppression and entrenched discrimination that is spreading in our institutions, laboratories and most importantly, in our classrooms, and that is doing irreparable harm to some of the world’s top scientists, educators, and thinkers.

America is not America without freedom. In every turning point in our history, freedom has been the key goal we are seeking: the Mayflower coming here, the Revolution, the Civil War, World War II, the Cold War. Tens of millions came here from foreign oppression and made a life here. Why? For freedom. Human beings are supposed to live in a state of freedom. Freedom is not conferred by the state: as our founders said, and as Martin Luther King repeated, freedom is God-given.A huge part of this freedom is freedom of inquiry.

Freedom of inquiry is basic to human advancement. There would be no modern medicine, no antibiotics, no brain surgery, no Internet, no air conditioning, no modern travel, no highways, no knowledge of the human body without freedom of inquiry.

This includes the ability to inquire whether a higher power, a being greater than man, is involved with how the universe operates. This has always been basic to science. ALWAYS.

Some of the greatest scientists of all time, including Galileo, Newton, Einstein, operated under the hypothesis that their work was to understand the principles and phenomena as designed by a creator.

Operating under that hypothesis, they discovered the most important laws of motion, gravity, thermodynamics, relativity, and even economics.

Now, I am sorry to say, freedom of inquiry in science is being suppressed.

Under a new anti-religious dogmatism, scientists and educators are not allowed to even think thoughts that involve an intelligent creator. Do you realize that some of the leading lights of “anti-intelligent design” would not allow a scientist who merely believed in the possibility of an intelligent designer/creator to work for him… EVEN IF HE NEVER MENTIONED the possibility of intelligent design in the universe?EVEN FOR HIS VERY THOUGHTS… HE WOULD BE BANNED.

In today’s world, at least in America, an Einstein or a Newton or a Galileo would probably not be allowed to receive grants to study or to publish his research.

They cannot even mention the possibility that–as Newton or Galileo believed–these laws were created by God or a higher being. They could get fired, lose tenure, have their grants cut off. This can happen. It has happened. EXPELLED: No Intelligence Allowed comes to theaters near you in February 2008. To learn more, check out my blog here often … and explore the rest of our site for new developments, or to volunteer to help spread the word.

Sincerely,
Ben Stein

Where's all this leading us?

I wrote him an e-mail. I had to. Read on and see why:

Dear Mr. Stein,

Hello, my name is Robert Freeman. I've been a fan of your work for a long time (starting with my all time favorite game show), and although it may seem odd, when I was young, you encouraged me to think objectively and logically, especially in regards to politics.

I came from a VERY liberal family, where anything conservative or Republican was treated as pure evil, but I respected your logic and intelligence, and when I discovered you were conservative, I realized that there must be something to it. I then did a lot of research and thinking, and realized things I never had before, such as that conservatism is a sound federal policy, that there's no such thing as 'free money' (especially when government assistance is concerned), that Nixon was a very good President, and many other facts I never would have known, had I not thought logically and impartially.

No one was more shocked or surprised than myself when I found out the details of your upcoming movie, 'Expelled'.

I believe that intelligent design is a direct attack against science and fact, created through the power of abstract belief and popular opinion. It's one thing to hold close to your beliefs, but when you attack schools for not giving those beliefs the same weight as scientific fact, you attack logic and rational thought itself.

It's true, schools do discriminate against the idea of intelligent design. They also discriminate against the idea that 2 + 2 = 3.

Do you want messages in our children's textbooks that point out that math is just a 'theory', and that the theory that 'two plus two equals three' is just as valid as any other? Should that opinion get equal time in classrooms? Should students decide for themselves what two plus two equals?

All science and learning is based upon fact, and there's no room in there for opinion as well. Evolution is a fact. Intelligent design is an opinion. The only reason schools prevent intelligent design from being taught is because it's based no more on fact and rational ideas than Santa Claus or the hippie movement.

I've always respected you, and I'm not so much baffled by your opinions on evolution, as much as I'm baffled by your assault on logical thought and scientific fact. If you really support intelligent design, then I'd recommend finding sound scientific data that supports your beliefs. Attacking the school system for not bowing to public opinion is an attempt to punish them for having integrity. It makes infinitely more sense to prove someone is wrong rather than attempting to force them to say that they're wrong.

Well, thank you for your time and all the laughs, but I wish you'd reconsider the direction you're taking yourself in. Imagine a game show where the audience 'votes' whether a person's answer is right or wrong, rather than finding out what the real answer is through science and research. Is that a show you really want to be a part of?

Sincerely,

Robert Max Freeman

http://maxandotherstrangeness.blogspot.com

BOSTON!

I'm back from my trip to Boston...but this has gone on long enough. Trips to Boston later, this week it's...

MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET: MATCH POINT! DONATELLO!!!

Some may call me mad, but I've been a fan of the ninja turtles for long enough, that I think I might be able to match Wikipedia on random knowledge about Donatello. If not...we'll have to go to a tie breaking round, but if I win, I'll have successfully trounced the internet! Let it begin.


Donatello


Overview

Heralded as the 'smart' turtle, Donatello is also known for his vivid imagination, uncanny ability to create inventions, sensitivity, and almost complete inability to fight. Depending on the series, Donatello's abilities vary greatly in scale (both as an inventor and martial artist), often to the point of ridiculousness, but a normal trend is that the more realistic his inventions are, the better a fighter he is (in other words, if he's invention lazer guns out of trash, you can bet he's going to be the first turtle hitting the pavement). The other turtles tend to refer to him as 'Donnie' rather than his full name (the others being 'Leo', 'Mikey', and 'Raff').

In the original series, Donatello wears a red bandana, as did all the turtles. In the later cartoon series, his bandana was changed to purple, which solidifies his dubious honor of being by far the most effeminate ninja turtle.

Donatello's weapon is the bo (staff), which is a strange choice for a ninja. Granted, it is a traditional ninja fighting style, and was used in the manner Donatello uses it (attacking defensively, with extended reach), but it was mainly used earlier in history, and was considered far primitive compared to the weapons of the other turtles. The bo was most commonly used in China, where Buddhist missionaries were trained in its use, so that they could better protect themselves against bandits. In Japan, people usually learned to use the bo because they had no other option available to them. It's odd that Splinter's master (or Splinter himself, depending on the version of the story) would be trained in a peasant's weapon, but he may have chosen the weapon for Donatello because it best reflected his peaceful nature.

Donatello is the sensitive, introspective turtle, although without the angst, anger or fear that Raphael has. Overall, he works the hardest of the turtles to keep the family together, but ironically he's usually the least effective in the time of an emergency, as he is far less a fighter or warrior and far more a thinker and worker. Depending on the series, he may have a close friendship with another turtle (usually Michelangelo) or side character (Casey Jones or Erma). Possibly due to his sensitivity, depending on the series, Donatello is usually the most likely of the turtles to have a girlfriend, or female admirer. Of the turtles, Donnie is also the most likely to get bullied by Raphael.

Donatello also has a creative side, and is the only ninja turtle who actually reads on a regular basis, and usually has the equivalent of a college level education (obviously self taught). This is usually reflected in the story by his crazy inventions, ability to understand advanced technology, and knowledge of random facts and trivia. When donning disguises or costumes (or for variant special action figures) Donatello is usually a literary figure (example: a hard boiled detective) or sci-fi reference (example: a John Carpenter alien).

Donatello is usually described as the smallest, weakest and slowest turtle (in video games he usually has a lack of speed to balance his greater reach), solidifing his position as the brains of the group. Donatello's presence is usually mandatory for the scene, to give plot exposition or to solve a mystery. When the action actually starts, unless he's fighting on his own, it's almost certain that he'll be the least effective in combat, and probably not get any lines until the fighting has ended. His lack of fighting ability usually isn't pointed out, however, as he still is by far a better fighter than the average villain, but not the villain leaders, as that's the time for the other turtles to shine.


Original Series

The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series was far more dark, realistic and violent. To reflect this, Donatello's abilities were far more realistic, and his inventions were far more mundane. As stated before, when Donatello's inventions are more realistic, his fighting ability improves. For example, in one of the earlier storylines, Donatello hurles his staff directly into Shredder's face, smashing it into a bloody mess. As I said, the stories were violent.

There was a strong sci-fi element to the stories, however, and the fact that Donatello was the only turtle who was computer literate allowed him to understand the technology better than the other turtles.

Donatello was the most solitary of the turtles (Michelangelo and Raphael had the strong friendship), but had many solo stories with other non-turtle characters (most notably an artist that could bring paintings to life, and a humanoid dinosaur-like girlfriend).


Original Cartoon Series

In the 1987 original cartoon series that made the turtles famous, Donatello's bandana became purple, his inventions suddenly became ridiculous, and he lost all ability to fight. It even became a running joke among the fans to keep track of how many times Donatello's bo would break (which happened about every other episode).

Donatello's voice was the sillest and probably most recognizable of the turtles, although many different actors provided his voice in the run of the series. His personality was the overly effeminate and passive one we all know today (a bit lighter than the introspective loner of the original series), and he usually paired up with a side character like Erma, April O'Neil's friend, who was also Donnie's ambiguous girlfriend, or at least female admirer.

For the cartoon series, Donatello created the numerous vehicles and inventions (out of spare parts and garbage I guess) that the turtles sold to children...I MEAN USED IN BATTLE! That's right, used in battle. Donnie also usually drove, which gave him something to do when the battle began.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Original Videogame for NES

Starting here, and with all the video games, Donatello was the slow character with long reach. Strangely enough, in the VERY difficult Nintendo videogame, Donatello was also the strongest, which attributed solely to the length of his weapon. As anyone can tell you, it's not the length of the weapon that matters, but how...uh...perhaps we should move on.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade Games

All the ninja turtle arcade games were basically similar, but the first version was perhaps the best. Donatello was a very popular choice for players (as was Michelangelo), not because of any advantage in the game, but because their controllers were in the traditional 'Player 1' and 'Player 2' spots, with Donatello being in the 'Player 2' spot.

Donatello's staff had the longest reach of the turtles in these arcade games (especially with his jump attack), but his attacks were the slowest.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the Movie

In the first movie, Donatello was voiced by the teen star Corey Feldman, and was portrayed as the brainy genius he usually was, although he didn't seem to make any inventions, and the movie overall attempted to remain realistic. As in the original series (which the movie seems mainly based upon, albeit without the sci-fi elements), Donatello's genius is shown through his ability to fix normal machines, use computers and understand advanced technology and science. Donatello's fighting abilites markedly improved for the movies (and his bo didn't break even once), and he stood shoulder to shoulder with the other turtles in battle.

In this movie, Donatello has a strong friendship with Michelangelo (who like him retreats when Leo and Raff are fighting), and later also becomes good friends with Casey Jones. In both cases, Donatello plays off both of them very well, and in general has a lot more lines (and far more jokes) than he normally has in the cartoons and comics. This was most likely due to the fact that Corey Feldman, at that point a popular teen star, was voicing him.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: New Cartoon Series

The focus and nature of the cartoon series changed when they remade it, attempting to split the differnce between the cartoons and the movies, with silly ridiculous situations, traditional Saturday morning villains, and with some of Donatello's unrealistic inventions. As in the movies, Donatello had far better fighting ability than in the original cartoons (and was also a rather talented acrobat).


TMNT: The New Movie

Suprisingly, the newest animated movie appears to be based upon the movie series, rather than the cartoons. Although no reference is made to the second or third movie, there are many features of the original movie that are present in this one, including: the sewer base converted from an old train station, Shredder's defeat (and apparent death), April and Casey's relationship, Casey Jones's vigilantism, Raphael's dark side, Donatello and Michelangelo's friendship, and the conflict between Leonardo and Raphael.

Donatello's inventions in this movie involve realistic machinery and advanced computer use, but all of which is generally realistic. On the other hand, in the official videogame version of the movie, Donatello's inventions are far more advanced and unrealistic, including mechanized nunchucks for Mikey, which allow him to fly like a helicopter for a short period of time.

In this movie, Donatello has reverted a bit back towards his original cartoon roots, as he's far more effeminate, brainy, and timid than the other turtles. The movie does take time to show, however, that he's trying harder than any of his brothers to provide for their basic needs and keep them together. In combat, he is capable, but perhaps a bit behind where he was in the original movie, and in the final fight he's pitted against the smallest villain.


...

That's it! Let's see how it compares to wiki...

Pretty close. Eerily close in fact. It goes a bit back and forth, with a lot of good trivia on the wiki page (I didn't know there was an alternate disutopian parallel universe episode of the new cartoon series where all the turtles except Donnie is killed), although there are blind sights in the wiki which I picked up: he mentions Donatello as being weaker than Leonardo in the original video games (which he wasn't), he left out the classic arcade game, and I included more specifics about the movies (although the wiki does, admittedly, include more information about the comics). Overall, Donatello has a very nice wiki page, with a lot of information on the character and abilites of Donatello.

I think we're at a tie. Is there anything that can break this stalemate?

Don-san.

Splinter often called Donatello 'Don-san', which is a way of showing respect to someone, which reflects the fact that Splinter has great respect for the sacrifices that Donatello makes in order to keep his brothers together.

I forgot that.

The wiki didn't.

Damn it, they beat me by a quarter-inch.

MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET: 4-4-1

I made it far closer of a fight than most expected, but regardless, I have fallen to wikipedia. Yeah, I know that it's arguably the best of all internet sites, and I was a fool to challenge it, but I had to, for the sake of all those that would stand up against the internet and call it an ad-spewing porn machine.

Words like that get a guy slapped down. Wikipedia, I bow to your all encompassing 'universal galactic intelligence' nature, but you alone will not be enough to settle this.

We need a tie breaker! What will it be? How will this end?! Stay tuned.

50th post! Ah my drastically inconsistent blog...

we've been through so much together...

Fighting in Vietnam...

Being arrested last week for picking fights in Vietnam...

Playing rock, paper, scissors with ninjas...

Mopping up where they committed Seppuku...

Shooting the moon...

Planting the rifle on the sun...

Ripping off Strong Bad...

Good times.

Still, there's no time for sentimentality! The fight must continue!


MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 9B: STEVE JACKSON'S SORCERY!

'Steve Jackson's Sorcery!' (yes, the exclaimation mark is part of the title), was written by Steve Jackson, and beautifully illustrated by John Blanche, in 1983 and has been re-published several times since then (including recently with new cover art in 2003, under the new shorter title 'Sorcery!').

BASIC OVERVIEW

'Steve Jackson's Sorcery!' is similar to the 'Choose Your Own Adventure' series, as it gives the reader the freedom to choose what path the main character takes, and to some extent, what choices he makes along the way. The series was unique, however, in its incredibly in-depth combat and magic system, which had many similarities to early dungeons and dragons.

Combat, testing for luck, and other game features that rely on chance, are all resolved by the roll of two six-sided dice. If the reader does not have a pair of dice, they can flip to a random page of the book, and look at a pair of dice printed on the bottom of the page, to see their roll (this was exploitable, however, as the pages most read would probably be the pages most flipped to).

There are four books total within the series, all a part of the same single storyline. To go along with the four books was an optional spell-book, which had to be purchased seperately, but came free as part of the final book (most likely as a way to get people to buy all four books at once).

GAME SYSTEM

The first step is to choose whether to play as a warrior or a wizard. The warrior has a skill rating (used in combat, we'll get to that later) of six plus the role of a six sided die. The wizard has a skill rating of 4 plus a six sided die. Warriors actually get kind of gypped, as it's quite possible to have a wizard much stronger than an average warrior, but wizards are more complicated and carry other, inherent risks.

The starting stamina (the generic life in the game) is 2d6 plus 12.

The starting luck is d6 plus 6 (luck comes into play only a few times per adventure, but it can literally be the difference between life and death, so it should not be used frivolously).

The starting equipment is a sword (if you lose it and don't have a backup weapon, your skill receives a penalty of -4), a backpack (assumed to carry all your items), two meals (eating is important in the game), and twenty gold (the money system).

Your character also worships the goddess Libra, the goddess of justice, and once per adventure you can call on her to raise all your stats to their original level (which is good if you're about to die), or to save your life. This often (especially if you're the warrior) can be your only way to escape death.

Every day you must have at least one meal (which heals either two stamina if it's your first meal, or one if it's your second), or else you lose three stamina the next day. You also lose a measure of stamina (one to three) if you skip sleeping.

Combat is resolved by rolling two dice, adding their sum to your skill rating, and then doing the same for your opponent/s. The side that had the lower roll loses two stamina (usually). If there's a tie, no one loses stamina. This continues in turn until one side is dead (unless otherwise prompted by the text). Sometimes there are special rules, for multiple opponents, special attacks and other miscellaneous circumstances. Most opponents have a comperable skill to yours (theirs is usually 7 or 8), but you have far more life (again, theirs is usually 7 or 8), so usually the challenge is the wear and tear of several fights, or one very difficult opponent.

Magic is usually used before combat begins (and usually only once per battle), where you receive a choice of five spells to choose from. Magic always costs stamina (the cost varies by the relative power of the spell), and there's a large 5 stamina penalty if you make a choice that isn't actually a spell, but a trap to trick people who are guessing.

Why would they have to guess? For security reasons, the player is not allowed to read the spellbook during the quest. You're expected to memorize the spellbook before the first book begins and then go from memory from there (although there are ways of collecting new spell books). Some spells also have material components which are found through the quest, and the stamina for the spell is lost regardless of whether you possess the item or not.

Magic may seem difficult, but many fights are ended immediately, or are placed largely in your favor. Magic can also save your life in situations where only Libra would suffice otherwise, although it can only be used if your character can speak, and has both hands free.

The spells all have a three digit name that hint at their power, and the most powerful of them (costing a whopping 4 stamina a piece, when most cost 1 or 2) are: Hot (Fireball), Zap (Lightning Bolt), Fof (Forcefield), Wal (invisible, invincible wall), and Law (commands animals). Most of these spells are powerful enough to end an encounter immediately, but the choice to use them is not always given (I guess the circumstances must be right).

PLOT OVERVIEW

You are a brave hero of the kingdom of Analand, and Analand, like its surrounding countries, has benefited from ownership of the Crown of Kings. The countries have taken turn possessing the Crown, and it has given them to mysterious power to control their nations, and bring peace where there once was war and disharmony. That being said, there is no actual evidence of how the Crown works, or even if it does anything at all (and the benefits are largely imaginary), but in any case it works and has always worked...until it was stolen.

The neighboring war mongering country of Kakhabad has always been a problem, but their complete lack of focus and leadership has kept them from being an actual threat to the kingdom of Analand. The Archmage Mampang, however, sent birdmen who successfully stole the crown, bringing it to him. Without the Crown, your country is doomed to fall into disharmony, while Kakhabad is destined to fall under the control of a brutal tyrant!

The kingdom's only hope is for you to seek out and re-claim the Crown. The book doesn't mention why it doesn't send more people, or give you more supplies, but I assume you're not expected to succeed, and they're usuing most of their resources to prepare for the almost inevitable war.

Your quest starts in the nearby Shamutanti hills (a generic fantasy setting), which lead up to the city of Khare (which rests upon a wide, highly dangerous river, leaving you no choice but to pass through the city, rather than around it), and then opens up into the Bakland plains (a wild and feral land). After the plains, you have to make your way into Mampang Fortress, the capital of your enemy itself, find the Crown and then find a way to get back safely.


OVERVIEW OF PLAY

This game is almost impossible. To beat any single one of these adventures will require several plays through, mostly due to the traditional 'turn left and die' gameplay within the 'Choose Your Own Adventure' genre. Yes, some of the traps and instantaneous deaths are the result of bad choices, but there's just as many random deaths that are not the fault of the reader, giving the story a try/fail gameplay system. (It's a good idea to keep a copy of your character from the start of each adventure, as kind of a 'save point')

Depending on the adventure or situation, it's also quite possible (especially in the fourth book), to miss something and then have no way of winning, but not know until much later in the adventure.

This aside, it's always been my favorite of the 'Choose Your Own Adventure' type books, both for the wonderful fantasy setting, and amazing artwork. Nearly every serious encounter includes a full page drawing to accompany it, which is always very well drawn, often very scary, and carries a grungy, dark ages feel to it.

I've never minded playing through several times, which is a good thing, as it's often very easy to miss something vital, and going back to the beginning of that book is often all you can do (or two books, in one despised instance which we'll go to later). The depth, importance of clues and special items (often codes that tell you what passage to go to) practically necessitate several plays through, especially if you're a warrior (more on this later).

The books are also unique in that you are often free to steal and murder on a whim, with no obvious penalty or punishment from your goddess. I guess it's assumed that since so much is at stake, the ends justify the means.

The magic system is also absolutely wonderful, requiring both a good memory and a good imagination, as you not only have to remember what the spells do, but decide which will be best for each situation, and if it's worth the cost in health.

BOOK OVERVIEWS *SPOILERS BELOW*


BOOK 1: THE SHAMUTANTI HILLS

This book has a frightening manticore on the cover (part lion, dragon and scorpion, the leader of the book), is the shortest of the four books, and is a good introduction to the series.

There are a few situations that can be seen as unfair (if you succeed a luck test at one point, you die, and although you get the option to intentionally fail, there's no logical reason why you would), and for the most part it's a standard and interesting fantasy setting.

About two-thirds of the way through the adventure you get accompanied by an infamous fairy Jann (called a Minnimite), that magically keeps you from casting spells. You have to find someone to remove it by the last dungeon, or you won't have your magic, which is basically death for your average wizard.

The last dungeon is a quest to save a Svinn (basically an elf) chieftan's daughter from the manticore. The dungeon is filled with danger, near death experiences (especially for warriors, as they can only call Libra for help once, and often have no other way of surviving random dangers), and the manticore is very dangerous, but can be defeated by magic alone if you choose correctly.

Victorious, you get some gold, the key to the next city (which is basically useless) and your stats refilled.

BOOK 2: KHARE, CITYPORT OF TRAPS

This is probably my favorite of the four books, as it has a very interesting setting (a grimy and crime filled city), an interesting twist to the quest and an optional reboot button at the end.

In order to get through the crime and trap filled city, you're going to have to find the four lines (although you really only need three) of the password that opens the gate at the other end. The lines are known by four important men within the city (a scholar, a priest, a beggar and a dead man...who's now a scary killer ghost), and within the lines are numbers which you use at the end to decipher the passage you need to go to leave the city.

Overall, the puzzles and traps within this book are the most fair and intuitive of the series, although you can easily miss one of the men with the lines of the password of no fault of your own. This is somewhat negated, however, by the book's option to start over, and be more careful in finding the lines of the poem.

Now, it's a little unclear as to if it's giving you the option to literally have your character walk back to the beginning of the city or if it's saying GAME OVER, but there really isn't any reason why your character would die at the end if they didn't know the password. They could literally make their way to the front of the city and start over, as the text says to do, so I've always taken this as a 'go back to start with what you already have' option.

Granted, it doesn't make sense why everything would be back to the way before you went through it, but there's no other clear resolution (you only die if you screw up the password, but to even do that you need all the necessary lines).

For the record *SPOILER ALERT!* the lines of the poem are:

I bid thee portals open wide... (from the priest, not necessary)
I bid thee TWO tumblers open wide... (from the scholar, kind of redundant)
ONE lock made out of golem's hide... (from the dead guy)
By Courga's grace and ******'s pride! (from the beggar...sorta)

The beggar forgets who's pride it is (damn him!) so you have to go to the temple of Courga and go through this highly deadly and unfair kissing ritual which will kill you several times before you get it right. Afterwards, you will find out that missing word is FOURGA (for the love of...).

With that, you make it through to the Baklands...


BOOK 3: THE SEVEN SERPENTS

This book is interesting, but has several small (and one giant) unfair traps along the way. In this book, you have to track down and defeat the seven serpents of Mampang, before they get to the fortress and rat you out. The benefits you receive in the final book depend on how many you defeat (usually a bonus or penalty to skill, luck and stamina, although there's a big reward/penalty for defeating all/none).

Each serpent reflects an element, and each has their own weakness, if you can figure out what they are through the clues. Each weakness either severely weakens them, or defeats them outright (or may be the only way to defeat them).

This adventure is an interesting counterpart to the city adventure, as it includes far more combat than puzzles/traps, and is also far longer.

The only downside is Sham.

Sham is a humble dwarf who is actually an enchantress in disguise, and if you give her an item that she happens to like, she'll give you a magic vial.

Now, I don't believe you always necessarily run into this encounter. You also have to give them something that they randomly happen to like. Then, and only then, you get the vial which is NECESSARY in order to complete the game.

You can easily miss the encounter, choose not to randomly give something to a passerby, give her something she randomly happens to not like, and then go on to the last quest, not knowing that one of the items you need in order to get through the game WAS IN THE LAST BOOK!

This is the only really unfair puzzle in the whole game, because it relies so heavily on chance (in an earlier book there's a clue that you have to find Sham, but it's still random as to whether you run into her, or get her to help you), and you can go all the way through to near the end of the game, not knowing you lost halfway through the third book.

This is what I call 'feeding the eagle a pie' (in honor of the much loved and despised King's Quest series).

Otherwise, a great book.


BOOK 4: THE CROWN OF KINGS

The last book will break your back over its knee like a Mad TV pro-wrestler. Not only is the combat very difficult, and the story includes many instantaneous deaths, but it's also filled with clues, secret words to open passages and vital magic items which are easily missed.

That said, it's not completely unfair, as most of the really dangerous traps and encounters have clues received earlier which help you know what to do (with the exception of a room with a mask on the wall, where if you walk into it, you die). The danger is made even worse by the fact that a third of the way through the adventure, Libra comes in a vision to let you know she can no longer help you when you go inside. Dag.

This adventure is INCREDIBLY difficult if you're a warrior, as you have to find a very specific item near the beginning (a genie bottle) in order to survive, and in any case you have to find a wooden spear AND get it blessed by a priest, or you have no chance (however the weapon is amazing when you finally get to use it).

There are a lot of difficult puzzles, a stone ram that can only be defeated by the vial from Sham (god damn them), many scary mutant goblin things, the chance to mutate into a horrifying monster (always fun), and an interesting near-final scene, where you're imprisoned, meet that evil Jann the pixie again (which keeps you from using your magic). Jann does, however, tell you the secret identity of the Archmage Mampang.

In an interesting twist, all the artwork for the Archmage is actually, in fact, pictures of his apprentice. The real Archmage (who is one sneaky bastard), is disguised as a fat, humble peasant, who resides around the middle of the game. With this knowledge, you can now expose him and get the Crown of Kings.

There you have to either use the genie, or cast the ultra-mega-forbidden spell ZED (costs seven stamina), to go back in time to an earlier part of the game (the only time in the game you get to do so), which is either random or if you discovered who the Archmage really is, you can go directly to him.

The Archmage is not a particularly difficult fight, but if you don't defeat him quickly, he'll automatically win.

With that, you get the Crown, and assuming you found a way to get rescued, you get to go back home, the savior of your land! Congratulations, you really earned it!

...

Let's see how that measures up...

The wiki site has a lot of good details, pictures and random facts...and only about a paragraph of description for each book, and absolutely no description of the game system other than a brief description of magic!

KRAKKA-KOW!

MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET WIKIPEDIA DUEL: 1-1

I AM GEEKIER THAN WIKIPEDIA! I'll have to slip some of my stuff into there to see if it sticks (he, he, he...).

Well, enough of the random geeky things I obsessed on when I was young, next time...for better or worse...I'm going all out.

Amber thinks I'm crazy for my choice of the last Wikipedia battle. Will you?

Hey everyone! I've been a bit busy lately, and I lost internet for a little while, so I'm afraid I didn't have time to continue the absolute thrashing that Wiki has been giving me, but I wanted to mention that I just won an online writing contest through www.writing.com (my screen name is Blompkin)!

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I'd like to thank Raymond Chandler, who drank himself to death so that we might have awesome detective stories!

Anyway, here's my first place winning story. It was for a 'twist ending' contest, where every story had to have a twist ending. I hope you like it!

Black, White, and Dead All Over


Laura's world was monochrome. Soon it would be gone.

It was night outside, but that meant nothing to the city. The city had virtually eliminated the night with a never ending supply of neon that flushed out the darkness. The only purpose the endless, hanging fluorescent monstrosities had was to inform the world around them that just inside were Beautiful Girls, cheap drinks, and/or the greatest show on Earth.

There would be no girls within those towering blocks of steel and wood. Those hard eyed, stern faced, half naked, and incredibly accommodating women all stopped being girls a long time back. That was just fine with me. I liked my women to have shattered lives. It saves a lot of time and trouble. Sure, you couldn't believe a word those women said, but it was an honest form dishonesty. You know they're lying, and you don't care.

The shows would only be as good as the ticket price required, as anything more would be a waste. A normal Joe or Jane didn't need the best show ever anyway. They just needed to be moderately entertained before their next shift.

There would be drinks of course, a seed of honesty in an ocean of lies that warms even the hardest hearts with its sweet, mind destroying waves of tranquility. It's almost enough to make a hard drinking detective tear up a little.

None of this mattered in Laura's apartment, of course. Laura's world was monochrome. The rug was an off-white, leaning slightly into grey, save for near the door, where some stupid detective forgot to wipe his feet. It was nothing a high priced cleaning lady couldn't handle, and with Laura, everything was high priced. I expected nothing less from the daughter of a senator.

The shelves and furniture were a more pure, immaculate white, save for the tables, which were all an equally pitch black. The appliances tended to be dark, a welcome contrast to the grey tiling in the kitchen and traditional white icebox. I don't know where Laura managed to find a black bathtub, but she had managed it.

There was no place for unnecessary color within Laura's world, not even lipstick or eyeshadow. The only color she allowed herself was the emerald green of her own eyes, which she used no makeup to bury or hide. I understood this. I understood this all too well. What I didn't understand, was why that perfectly sterile world held a place for me.

If life had taught me anything, it was that everyone wanted something. Laura could be no exception. Everything I had was up for sale, I made no attempt to hide it. All it would take was the slightest movement of an inked pen over a rectangular piece of paper and Laura could own me lock, stock and barrel for the rest of my life.

So why was I sitting on her couch, staring directly into those emerald eyes? Why was my brown jacket and hat hanging on the hook by the door, instead of still upon me as I sat in a bar, chatting up a shattered, honestly dishonest woman? Why did Laura's pale fingertips slowly encircle my arm? Why were her pale, full lips slowly moving closer towards me? What could she possibly want that her father's checks couldn't buy?

I didn't care.

Laura's face was sweet, like a child's, but serious like a woman's. I allowed my calloused hand to encircle her palm and I discovered her skin to be smooth, but her muscles to be firm. Her choice of clothes suggested she was in mourning, but her small smile told me she was pleased.

It was at that moment that I first realized that everything within Laura's life was opposed to itself. Happiness and sorrow. Love and hate. Pure and dark. Success and failure. Black and white. Her and me.

She slipped completely into my arms. My thin, tanned lips were a stark contrast to hers as they pressed against each other. Cupped in her arms, it would have taken a maniac, kicking the door in, to have gotten me to let go.

In fact, that's exactly what it took.

The front door was a mere fifteen feet behind us when a slam of a boot shattered the premium lock of her apartment. The chain held strong though, literally saving both our lives.

The part of my mind that refused to believe in miracles and happy endings had me on my feet in a flash, ready for violence...somehow vindicated by the violence. My other hand pushed against Laura, trying to get her to stay low, but she was adamant, and with surprising strength she pushed herself to her feet. Why? I will never know.

I fumbled for my pistol as the intruder elbowed the door off its chain, scattering metal links over the front stoop. As the entryway swung wide, I could tell it was McGrady. He was even carrying his lucky Tommy-gun, with the thirty-four tiny stars upon the side. I was determined to keep it from becoming thirty-six.

Everyone who had ever heard about McGrady could have easily recognized him on sight, thanks to the news reports of the giant scar going down the center of his face. I didn’t need any news report to recognize him though, not when I was the one who gave him the scar.

For a moment, I blamed myself for bringing a sadistic lunatic such as McGrady into Laura's perfect world, but somehow, inexplicably, his rage and fury were directed at my monochrome angel, not me. That had to change.

"McGrady!"

The better of his two eyes shifted towards me and widened. I hadn't been expected. For all I know, McGrady didn't even know I was working for Laura. What had brought him there? Why was he alone, unwilling to share the kill with any cronies? To find out, I'd have to spare his life.

That was much too high a price.

The tommy gun whipped towards me, but the arm holding my pistol was already extended. The blast shattered the silence, and the small slug of metal spun through the air. The shot caught his shoulder, whipping his gun arm high and to the right, sending a volley of bullets tearing through the unoccupied half of Laura's apartment, shattering everything in their path.

Why didn't Laura run? Dive? Duck? Anything except stand there? I didn't have time to ask. The cleaning woman would have her work cut out for her, as now drops of blood were dripping to the floor from McGrady's wound. Somehow, the maniac didn't seem to care. McGrady was fueled by the same dark, primal drive that allowed small wolverines to kill bears. Luckily for us, those instincts did nothing for his aim.

Before he fully regained control of his gun, I put another slug in his torso, this time in the center of something vital. Besides throwing him off balance, the bullets seemed to have virtually no effect on McGrady. A piece of metal ripping into his body merely meant he had to re-adjust his aim.

Seemingly immune to pain, McGrady placed both hands on his favorite cop killer, and raked it straight across the center of the room. I dove forward with the drive that allowed rabbits to escape from wolves, and fired once as I sailed through the air. I aimed the bullet upwards, directly at the scar, and that is exactly where McGrady received it.

Almost a year ago, a bullet of mine had ripped directly up his face, tearing and splitting as it flew. This time the bullet caused considerably less visible damage. All it left was a small round hole.

Even the fiercest beast can't survive without a mind. McGrady' made a last sideways stumble straight into the wall. At first I thought he'd just lean there, but it wasn't long before he slowly slid to the floor, leaving a long red streak all the way down to the floor.

I hardly noticed. It didn't matter. The damage was done.

McGrady's final spray of bullets had cleaved straight across Laura's chest.

I dove to her side, feebly examining the numerous bullets that littered her torso. Her breaths were short and silent. Besides a slight clutching at my arm, she did nothing more before going limp.

Her emerald eyes gazed up into mine and a final, single tear ran down the length of her porcelain cheek.

What could I do?

What was there left to do, now that my angel, my last glimpse of light in a world of darkness had been taken from me?

I did the only thing I could.

I selected 'Continue'.

If she dies again, I'm switching the game to easy.

MAX VERSUS WIKIPEDIA PART 1: Woops!

'Woops!' is surreal sitcom, in the spirit of Herman's Head, that aired on Fox for a single season. The plot of the show is that a malfunction during a parade caused nuclear missiles to fire and accidentally start World War 3. According to the plot, the entire world is wiped out in a flash of light, except for a few survivors, who all find a farm that's mysteriously untouched from the blast. On this farm, the survivors attempt to rebuild society, which is difficult, considering that the remaining survivors are:

1. A normal, everyday male schoolteacher who only survived because he was inside a Volvo.

2. A middle aged feminist that's a bit of a goody goody, and a control freak.

3. An incredibly greedy stock broker who can't get over the fact that his money has no meaning anymore.

4. A slightly unethical male doctor, who is possibly the only remaining black person alive on the planet.

5. A ditsy female salon worker.

6. A slightly crazy, overweight homeless guy. (The best performance of the cast)

Despite the grim topic, the show is played off as a ridiculous oddball spoof, attempting to capitalize on the trend of over the top, zany network comedies. Plots included:

*POSSIBLE SPOILER WARNING*

- The pilot, where the survivors gather.

- A giant mutant turkey, the size of an elephant, wrecks havok on their farm, almost eats the survivors, and would have been unstoppable, had it not looked up while it was raining, and drowned. The homeless guy almost perishes in the same fashion, but the everyday guy manages to get him to look down by using the 'hey, a quarter' trick. This episode was easily the funniest of the series.

- Mutated berries, that cause LSD-like hallucinations when crushed against your head, causes the survivors to become 'berry heads'. Only the main hero refuses to immediately try them, only to become a full blown addict just as the others are kicking the habit. Includes an 'even stranger than usual' hallucination scene during his recovery, with the rest of the cast dressed in giant berry costumes.

- The survivors decide to begin repopulating the planet, with contests to decide the best suited couple. The main guy and the teacher are chosen, but he finds he isn't ready to go through with it, and as the rest of the cast gets in a giant fight over the name of the child to be, they all decide they're not ready to take care of kids yet.

- The survivors experiment with starting their own businesses and money system (twisty-ties), only to have a few members of the cast become completely corrupt with power. The homeless guy has a surprisingly somber and thoughtful speech on how money changes people right at the end of the episode.

- The homeless guy and the supermodel fall in love.



...


How did I measure up? Let's find out...


Man...there's actually a halfway decent wiki page for this show...but only halfway decent.

According to the wiki, the show aired in 1992, and although thirteen episodes were made, only 10 were aired (who the hell kept track?). My description doesn't include as many fine details (as I expected), but I go a bit more in-depth into the plot.

The character descriptions are on par with mine, but include their names (both characters and actors), which I had all forgotten. I actually made one small mistake: the greedy guy isn't a stock broker, he's a venture capitalist (a small difference, but still worth a point).

The wiki lists all the plots of the episodes, including ones I missed, but my plot descriptions, again, are far more in-depth.

Hmm...all things considered, we're pretty much going neck in neck...until the Christmas episode.

In the Christmas episode (I can hardly believe it), the group gets a visit from Santa Claus...no, not figuratively, but the real Santa Claus. It turns out he's having survivor's guilt, as he made it to the North Pole bomb shelter (they nuked the north pole?), but Mrs. Claus and all the elves didn't make it, and it's up to the gang to cheer him up!

My God.

I want to see that episode.

That is the single darkest and most ridiculous plot for a sitcom episode in the history of mankind.

How the hell did I miss that one? Why have I never heard of it? Damn it, I've got to give them this one.

POINT WIKI

Ouch! I was pretty sure that one was a safe bet, but I guess I underestimated how much attention a fifteen year old show, that only lasted two and a half months, gets.

Oh well, next up...we relive the statue kissing nightmare...