Before we start today's challenge...wow, deja vu...

You awaken in a bathroom stall, your head is pounding...

No, no, I must stay focused. Specifically, I must stay focused on HORRIBLE movies. Let's break down some of these movies, from best to worst, as promised.

1. HITLER, DEAD OR ALIVE

I swear to god, one of the male reporters in the beginning of the movie is feeling up one of his fellow male reporters. It's kind of disturbing. It's not ridiculous, just the traditional overt 'casually touching the other person at every possible occasion' including a pat on his stomach/waist area. Like I said, weird to see in a movie.

Anyway, this movie was actually pretty good, but a straight comedy, not a drama. A few gangsters, just out of prison, decide to take up a million dollar bounty on Hitler's life. They enlist in the army, hijack a plane, and hilarious antics ensue. It got a little ridiculous eventually, but still, it was thoroughly watchable.

It only goes downhill from here. Perhaps we can just stop, and talk about Homestar Runner or something? No? Sigh...downhill we go...

2. INCUBUS

Shatner, before Star Treak. I wasn't aware at first, but the foreign language everyone is speaking through the film is ESPERANTO. For those who don't know, Esperanto was an invented, universal, phonetic language, where you can tell exactly how to pronounce every word based on how it's spelled. So basically, it's like every language besides English. Anyway, no one actually uses it, except in a bizarre attempt to make a movie more surreal.

Incubus is filmed in black and white, and it's actually not bad, or in the very least it's interesting. The movie's about demonic women who tempt men to their doom (I think I've dated a few in my time), and the whole movie takes place in a old fashioned, vague coastal village. The best scene in the movie has a drunk standing next to a tree that's covered in birds. The camera cuts away to a close up of him, and when it cuts back to the tree, there's a pretty young woman in a simple dress standing on one of the branches, where a bird previously perched. Needless to say, it does not go well for him. Add a few bizarre scenes of a priest holding a frog and sucking on an egg (I don't know), and Shatner having some awkward sexual tension/flirtation with the character who's supposed to be his sister (I'm definitely sure that wasn't in the script...but you know, it's Shatner), and you've got yourself a delightfully bizarre movie.

3. HORROR EXPRESS

Another fine British horror movie starring Christopher Lee and the villain in charge of the Death Star in Star Wars (evacuate, in our moment of triumph?). Explorers find an ancient fossil that comes to life and fries people. Good stuff. The only downside of the movie is it follows a traditional British horror pattern. You have danger, excitement...and then we're introduced to 30 new characters, one by one, each one more boring and British than the last. Damn it.

4. NINJA AMERICAN WARRIOR

Christian was right, this is by far the worst movie of the bunch. It was so bad, it was hilarious. Ninjas appear to fight our main character, wielding deadly weapons including plastic rings, and flamng gardening gloves...that's right, gardening gloves, like you'd wear while pruning hedges...on fire...threatening our main character.

After easily defeating these pathetic ninjas, the main character pulls on the least convincing mask in cinematic history. It's literally a white piece of cloth with a face drawn on it in marker.

Why'd they even bother? So they can splice in half of a much better Japanese martial arts movie. You see, the American actors wear masks and APPEAR to be these Asian people.

Yes, it's that pathetically hilarious, with emphasis on hilarious. It's too funny to really be painful.

Can't we stop here?

5. STREET FIGHTER'S LAST REVENGE

A Japanese James Bond beats the crap out of every single human being he crosses, including the pretty girls (if the first twenty minutes are any indication). The movie includes a hilarious flip through a ceiling and a telekinetic Mexican (don't ask). Ridiculous, but still all in good martial arty fun.

6. AMAZING MR. BLUNDEN

A dry yet delightfully creepy British ghost story which includes a young actress who is...hold on...born in 1954...movie is from 1972...whew! It's safe, she's really pretty. Her real name is Lynne Frederick and she eventually became our modern day equivalent of Anne Nicole Smith. She was very pretty (no figure, but a gorgeous face), appeared nude in just about everything, married a rich and powerful older guy (Peter Sellers if you can believe it), and then dropped dead at age 40 from severe alcohol and drug abuse.

Still, back in 1972, at age 18, she was absolutely gorgeous...which is when the movie came out...so the movie was most likely filmed a year earlier...when she was...

Uh oh.

Let's move on.


7. DESERT COMMANDOS

Don't let the guys from Desert Storm on the cover fool you, this is a WW2 movie, filmed in the 60's or so, with no war footage, tanks, planes or anything, and they wander through the desert. It's basically the opposite of Hitler Dead or Alive, with German soldiers trying to assassinate the Allied leaders, only without the laughs. It's alright, with an interesting land mine scene, but nothing really worth mentioning...oh, except that their commander IS a living, breathing Lego guy. He's even got the peg where you can attach the hat.


8. DOG DAY

Lee Marvin shoots about 30 people and then uses a rocket launcher to open a door. That's all that's really worth mentioning in this really shameful 'heist gone wrong' movie. Most shameful part? It's not the eight year old kid cursing at the cops (that was funny), no, it was the homely housewife calling to the black guy who's hiding (because he doesn't want to have sex with her). What does she call out as she hikes up her skirt? "COME TO MY WOMB!"


9. SLAVE OF THE CANNIBAL GOD

Not a bad movie...just nothing happens. I mean, it's one of the few movies in this bunch where the film is actually clear...but people just talk, wander through sparse woods that are supposed to pass for a jungle, trip, scream at spiders, talk about YAWWWWWWN...I'm just fast forwarding to the nudity. Still fast forwarding. Wow, that took forever. Okay, she's hot...in a European supermodel past her prime kind of way. Moving on.


10. DEMENTIA 13

Francis Ford Coppolla sure could direct them. This movie is haunting and beautiful, including a great scene where a body floats to the bottom of a lake with a radio floating down next to him, the sound being muffled by the water.

The plot is crap. The acting is crappy. The mood is tame and there has never been a less appealing kiss then between a man and a woman in cinematic history. Why? He's obviously really into it, but she isn't. The actress doesn't even pretend to enjoy kissing the guy. She just stands there like a statue while the guy basically tackles her and goes to town. I need a shower.

11. PROJECT KILL

Leslie Nielson (of Naked Gun fame) stars in this serious, barely visible spy action movie where they train assassins through drugs to be the perfect killers. That and walking. There's about five minutes of him walking through parking lots. Still, it was worth watching Leslie Nielson take down a bunch of guys with karate chops.

12. MUTANT

Why did I watch this movie as long as this? I honestly can't remember. Let's see...attic, guy kills through burning touch...car rides into ditch...oh that's right! There's a delightfully creepy backwoods sketchy guy who gives them a ride. Wait...damn it! He didn't kill them! Come on!

13. ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES

Sherlock Holmes is back and he's more dull, smug, boring and condescending than ever! Remember all those drugs, murders and suspenseful battles? Well forget about that! This is a serialized FAMILY version of Sherlock Holmes. It'll be just like Wishbone, only without the fun. Moving on.

14. SNAKE CRANE SECERT

The first ten minutes weren't bad. It was a traditional Asian story of revenge and martial arts, with orphaned children on the run and heroic Buddhist monks. The hero finishes telling the backstory of his search for the missing children, and must move on to further adventures...and the credits roll!

No they don't. The movie grinds to a hault, new ridiculous subplots are introduced, and I pine for an ending credits. This movie wouldn't have been bad if they ended it there. Admittedly, it would have been short, but I wouldn't have been disappointed.

15. DEATH JOURNEY

It's sad when movies can't afford actors. Everyone in this film might as well have been pulled right off the street. I swear to god, they're reading every single line off of cards behind the camera. Anyway, there's a mobster on trial and the only one who can save the main witness is THIS COOL BLACK GUY IN SLOW MOTION!

REALLY SLOW MOTION! Seriously, it takes him about a full minute to cross the room. Then we watch him take a martial arts class, which he isn't particularly good at. I swore to keep watching until he actually said anything. About twelve minutes in I got an 'okay' and I moved on.

16. RAGE OF THE MASTER

Interestingly enough, the description of the film on the back of the DVD wasn't for this movie...and it didn't fit the title either. The movie was about the rage of a master though, as his dojo is destroyed by Thai kickboxers dressed in Hercules outfits and feminine wigs. Line of the movie: Bad guy points to guy in cape and girly wig "This is the kickboxing champion of all Thailand!" Points to dozen other girly guys in short shorts and wigs, "These are also famous boxers."

Of course they are.

17. LEGEND OF THE 8 SAMURAI

No action. You see the results of the action. You hear the action. You see the severed heads that resulted from the action. But with the exception of one spear to the back...no action. Walking though. Lots of walking.

18. THE DEAD WALK

GREAT opening speech by the villain. "You creature's of light..." There's also a great scene where the supposed hero is revealed to have killed (admittedly he killed an evil madman) in cold blood, and he's cursed by the madman's Igor-like assistant. It's a shame you can't see a damn thing though. The movie, as far as I can tell, was filmed in black & slightly less black. After watching a scene with no dialog and absolutely no visibility, I pined for the days of Ed Wood. At least he kept his films lit.

19. SPIDER'S VENOM

A REALLY HOT British girl naked in a pond. She kind of looks like Carol Cleveland (from Monty Python). Now there's a way to start a movie. Then a guy gets bitten by a spider and dies. Then he's alive again. Then he's an artist. Then there's a spy subplot. Then I moved on.

20. CONDITION RED

What's the point of having a women in prison movie if you're not going to have any nudity?! It plays out like a bad direct to cable movie, and the main hero doesn't make it any better. He only has one expression for the entire movie, and it's a cross between 'intense' and 'bored'. I have to agree with Amber, I think that actor was expecting gratuitous nudity and got more than a little bit disappointed. What a waste of perfectly good women in prison.

21. SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA

Standard British horror flick. A spy, who isn't the main character unfortunately, makes a great Phillip Marlowe-like escape from the cult (using his bonds as a noose), there's a slightly unappealing naked girl (had a 'drug proplem' kind of look to her) and then just like Horror express it grinds to a halt and we meet 30 characters. Not scary, just dull. The opening credits are hilarious with a corny silhouette of Dracula over a normal, daytime London street.

22. A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT

Richard Basart (Gypsy would be proud) did his best in this silly, made for TV version of Mark Twain's incredibly dull story. You know, until I watched this, and then tried reading it, I never realized how dull this story is. Apparently Connecticut Yankees were the peak of daring cultural figures a century or two ago, but to me he just seemed like an snobbishg, over-educated ass. Done.

23. DEADLY BUDDHIST RAIDERS

The most disappointing movie of the bunch. Not the worst, just the most disappointing. No deadly Buddhist raiders. None.

There are deadly Buddhists. There are raiders. They might have meant deadly raiders who raid Buddhists...or raiders who raid deadly Buddhists...but anyway, it was dumb and I hated the fact that there were legitimately good martial artists in the film. In fact they were quite good. The problem was they were the villains. The heroes were played by young actors who barely knew martial arts, but were allowed to win, thanks to jump cuts and the real martial artists apparently aiming to miss them.

It's like watching Neo effortlessly block well thrown punches, not because he's better, but because he's 'the one' (with a lot of help from special effects).

Best line:

GUY 1: "I hope no one comes in and tries to take over our Dragon Herb plantation. It'll be worth a fortune if there's a plague."

GUY 2: "There's a plague."

GUY 3: "There's also some people trying to buy up evertying."

GUY 1: "I wonder what they could want?"

ALL AT ONCE: "Dragon Herb!"


24. MONSTER MAKER

Apparently this oily German creep eventually makes monsters. For the first part of the movie, all he does is drool over a girl. Watching him take her hand, gaze into her genuinely creeped out expression, and give a long drawn out kiss on her hand...ew...ew...ew...ew...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I hope that actress got hazard pay.

25. INCIDENT ON A DARK STREET

Most movies that were actually failed pilots usually make some attempt to hide that fact. From the opening credits of the guy walking into his office to the credit of 'special guest star' (how the hell do you have a special guest star in a movie?) William Shatner, this is a TV show that wasn't good enough to air, so you can guess how well it works as a movie. It's basically young lawyers being young lawyers. I don't have the patience to wait for Shatner.

26. MURDER AT MIDNIGHT

Another movie that didn't bother actually hiring actors. There is indeed a murder, but it happens in broad daylight, not midnight, and the only actual good actor in the film is the main killer...who appears in the first five minutes and then disappears. The rest is the dullest, slowest, by the book police investigation you can imagine. Even the main heroine squeezing her boobs, complaining that they itch, isn't enough to get me to watch any more.

27. STAR WARS EPISODE 3

I threw it in, just for kicks, and the special effects were good...then they started talking. Could these really have been the best takes? Anakin Skywalker REALLY JUST DOESN'T CARE. He mumbles out his lines like a teenager being paid minimum wage to do it. I got up to the scene in the completely modern looking elevator (right down to the metal cable) and when it stops, they say the line that broke me:

"Did you push the stop button?"

Futuristic space war. Energy swords. Robots everywhere. Acclaimed Sci-fi epic.

Lucas writes the line 'Did you push the stop button?'.

Lucas...please stop writing dialog...please...


28. RANSOM

I don't really need to watch the movie, as the ending's written clearly on the back of the DVD, and in a sense I can't watch the movie, because the whole thing looks like it was filmed through gauze, but from what I heard, it starts with a bizarrely upbeat children's song about boy's and their moms, ant then a woman leaves her son alone at the grand canyon (thanks mom), he gets kidnapped (you're mom of the year) and then instead of working with the police (the ransom note magically disappears for an unexplained reason) she runs off on her own (I'm getting her something special this mother's day.

As a bonus, thanks to the description on the back of the DVD, we already know the kid is already dead! Isn't this magical?


29. DEADLY IMPACT

Computer hackers bicker, and then begin a slot machine scam through computer hacking. It's every bit as exciting as you imagine, and as a bonus, they play slots for about five minutes of screen time with nothing happening.

What will happen? Criminals will take the money away from them. How do I know this? I read the back of the DVD.

I have never before, in all my years, seen LESS happen in the first eight minutes of a movie. This beginning of this movie makes the beginning of Manos look like the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.


30. VIRGIN TERROR

This director was just plain sick. It's a standard slasher movie story, but every scene involving the serial killer has this jazzy cool soundtrack along with it, as he disposes the corpses of teenage girls.

Okay, perhaps it's just a dumb slasher movie, and none of this is to be taken seriously.

The movie goes on to show the girl's grieving family, the long drawn out police process, and then after the tearful funeral it's right back to the serial killer doing his grisly work all to jazzy 'renegade cop' kind of beats, all to give the impression that the serial killer, and all serial killers, are really really cool.

This movie insults me on a spiritual level. Still, it's not the worst.


31. PRISON BREAK

There isn't a single member of this cast that I wouldn't punch in the face. I don't care if they're dead now. I don't care if the little boy is now seventy, I'm decking the lot of them.

Everyone in this movie is PAINFULLY cheerful, PAINFULLY nice and PAINFULLY noble, and they're up against the dullest, most generically evil villains that must have come right out of the old black and white Superman TV show.

I find myself clawing at my ears as the kid happily praises his soon to be father, who is presented as the absolute pinnacle of working class perfection, I vainly attempt to end my own life with a CD case as the heroine leaps into his arms and comes just short of proclaiming him the born again promised son of god, returned to us at last.

I find the scenes with the dull villains rather soothing as they get ready to frame the hero for a crime he doesn't commit, and of course he must take the blame or else his best friend will go to jail, which is just SO FUCKING BLOODY NOBLE YOU WANT TO PUKE!!!


Please don't make me finish that movie.

If you want me to, I'll beg.


What amazes me is that these movies aren't simply bad...they're each UNIQUELY bad. It's like a colorful rainbow of crap, with the merely boring and dull at the top, and the disgusting and agonizing torture at the bottom.

Why the hell did I do this? What was I thinking? I was thinking 'wow, this will be fun!'

I have a plan. It involves time travel and a hammer, and until I can pull it off I beg of you all to take these movies away. I'm keeping the Shatner DVD and American Ninja Warrior, but you can have the rest...or you can give them to someone else...or...dear God...you can force me to finish them. Please, be merciful.

Vinny gets 5, Steve gets 4, Amber gets 4, Christian gets 2 of the three remaining, and Frank wants me to...well we'll get into that later (if you make me watch them, it should probably be both movies on the DVD...waste not, want not...WAIT I DON'T WANT THEM NOW! SURELY THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH REASON NOT TO...eh, it was worth a shot)

Breakdown:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

DVD BREAKDOWN:

-King Arthur/Amazing Mr. Blunden

-Virgin Terror/Spider's Venom

-Mutant

-Project Kill

-Hitler Dead or Alive/Prison Break

-Horror Express/Satanic Rites of Dracula

-Dog Day/Code Red

-Ransom/Desert Commandos

-Snake Crane Secert/Rage of the Master

-Slave of the Cannibal God/Stateside Motel (not in competition, not a bad movie)

-Street Fighter's Last Revenge

-Dementia 13/Murder at Midnight

-Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (2 Discs)

-Legend of 8 Samurai/Deadly Buddhist Raiders

-The Dead Walk/Monster Maker/old cartoon (a pretty good strange one)

-Death Journey/Deadly Impact


After that...my brain's burnt. I'm going to take a breath and play Puzzle quest, then restart Puzzle quest as an easier character, and then after that I'll get to the competition. Wish me luck!