QUICK UPDATE: SERIOUS GEEKING OUT
Hello everyone! Sorry it's been a while since my last update, but work's been kind of crazy...so crazy that I STILL haven't continued my challenge against the internet! Then again, I'm also waiting for Pat, Steve and Amber to send me the DREADED FANFICS! Will they go for quality? Will they go for sheer pain? Well, Amber will certainly, but what of the others? We must see!
Still, I wouldn't want to leave you with nothing, so here's a letter I'm sending to Wizards of the Coast, to reinstate my status as a full fledged card carrying geek (it was briefly suspended for not picking up on a literary reference to '1984').
Enjoy! (Or shake your head with pity...or both, your choice ^_^)
On April 1st, in the spirit of April Fool's day, Wizards of the Coast printing some 'impossible to answer' questions. This was my response.
Dear Sages,
Hello, my name is Robert Freeman, and I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons, and running my own campaigns, for over 10 years now, and I'd first like to say that I love what Wizards of the Coast has done for the game. Back in the days of second edition, I didn't have a single clue what was going on, and now, thanks to the new edition rules, I know how everything works.
Over the years I've even become that 'guy' who everyone calls to ask questions about the game and how to min/max their characters. Because of these years of gameplay (and I am not necessarily proud of this, mind you) I think I have the answers to all the impossible questions listed on April 1st.
Yes, I know the whole thing was just in good fun and not to be answered, but as a Dungeon Master I've been pelted by equally insane questions on a more or less weekly basis, forcing me to actually come up with reasonable answers for completely unreasonable questions.
Thus, I'm giving this a shot, paraphrasing for space, and skipping the beginning questions which were more a matter of opinion or silliness (although I love the idea of lopping off monk limbs to get their attack damage...now there'd be a dancing weapon worth having).
Q. If a creature has more than one head, shouldn't gaze attacks be more effective against them?
A. Should they? Probably, but in the same sense, any creature that has more than two eyes should be more effected, and any creature with a single eye should be less effected, but the rules would get REALLY tedious if you worked out the math for every monster in the book. I'd draw the line at multiple eyes, but there's no reason an Ettin shouldn't be forced to make two checks. They are two independent minds after all.
Q. What should the CR adjustment be if the characters don't have their equipment?
A. That depends on if their class abilities rely on their equipment. From experience, if you take away a cleric's holy symbol, a wizard's spellbook, a bard's instrument or a fighter's weapons, they probably aren't going to have much luck fighting anything with a challenge rating more than their level minus 2. If they don't depend too much on equipment (like a monk, barbarian, rogue or sorcerer), or if their high level characters are being forced to use mundane equipment, then a challenge rating one less than their level should be fine. Personally, if I were running the game, I wouldn't lower the CR any. Making sure you're not separated from your equipment is all part of the game.
Q. Can an illusion help flank an opponent?
A. If you go strictly by the rules, then no, because an illusion can't threaten a square. However, if the target is reacting to the illusion as if it were a threat, then I'd probably allow it, as it makes sense. You could, of course, just as easily summon a monster to the same effect, and get actual real attacks against the target as well. If, however, the wizard made Conjuration one of their prohibited schools...what the hell's wrong with them?! It's the most useful school in the game! Still, if they felt they had to, they can use Shadow Conjuration to the same effect.
Q. What's the effect of flour on invisibility?
A. Far less than you'd expect. The flour that lands on the invisible creature becomes invisible as well, just as any unattended item picked up by an invisible creature does (if items upon the character didn't disappear, they'd have to run around naked in order to be invisible). True, if there was flour in the air you might be able to see him, but the flour would have to literally fill the air, and even then it'd be difficult to see the hole in drifting flour for the same reason it's difficult to see through fog. Your vision is partially blocked by the flour itself. Instead, I'd either dump paint in the area, and look for the footprints, or if you want something re-usable, have someone turn on a decanter of endless water (which is useful on its own anyway) and look for the splashes and empty spaces on the floor.
Q. Can lycanthropsy if transmitted through kisses?
A. Lycanthropsy is a curse, not a disease. You can only get the curse of lycanthropsy through a bite. Kissing that were-rat probably will get you filth fever though.
Q. What happens when a mule is bitten by a lycanthrope?
A. Nothing, lycanthropsy only affects humanoids and giants.
Q. Do owlbears excrete like owls or like bears?
A. That's a tricky one, but I'd say that owlbears are far more similar to bears than owls, especially the part of their body that houses their digestive system, so I'd say they excrete like a bear. If you want more proof, we can look at the world's only real life bird/mammal hybrid, the duck billed platypus, and they excrete like mammals, not birds.
Q. Can you drown in a vat filled with healing potion?
A. Who the hell keeps vats full of healing potions? Anyway, you most certainly can. Drowning is an effect that replaces your hit points, regardless of any healing or modifiers (such as rage or aid), so healing potions won't help. Say your hit points are at 0, you get healed and they're above 0, but next round, regardless of what your hit points are, your new hit point total is -1, and the even if you heal that, next round you're dead. Healing does not interrupt or reset the three round drowning process, which is 0, -1, and then dead.
Q. Can invisible stalkers see each other?
A. No, I guess they can't. They certainly would need a special ability to be able to do so. The hilarious possibilities are endless! Just imagine a group of player characters summoning two invisible stalkers to defend them from monsters. They come into existence, win initiative, and then suddenly a loud thud and crash erupts in the center of the dungeon, as the two stalkers run into each other and topple to the floor. That's enough to scar a player for life.
Q. If a character dies while wearing a ring of invisibility, are they invisible forever?
A. Who said that wearing a ring of invisibility makes you permanently invisible? A ring of invisibility has to be activated in order to gain the benefits from it, and then you receive the benefits as per the spell, which is 1 minute of invisibility per level of the caster, which is 3rd, so activating a ring of invisibility only makes you invisible for 3 minutes. Afterwards, you'd have to activate the ring again. If you read the description of magic rings, all magic rings are either use activated or continuous, not both. It becomes a little uncertain as to whether the invisibility stops immediately upon death or if it lasts the full 3 minutes, but I'd say it stops immediately. Even though objects, like dead bodies, can be effected by the spell invisibility, the ring only works for its 'wearer' and a corpse, from a technical standpoint, can't wear anything, so the effect ceases as soon as the dead body stops 'wearing' the object. If you continued to gain the effect of invisibility even after the ring was taken off, then you could split a single ring between an entire group, or use the ring, take it off and replace it with another one and still get the benefit of invisibility for three minutes. The game would be imbalanced if you could gain the benefit of a use activated magic ring without actually wearing it.
Q. If you completely surround a vampire with water elementals, are they trapped, since they can't pass through running water?
A. Yes, but not because they count as running water. Vampires can't pass through water elementals because nothing can normally pass through a water elemental. They're solid. If a water elemental wasn't a solid, cohesive object, then you wouldn't be able to hurt them with weapons, and they'd immediately fall apart and die. Elementals are made from the elements, but that doesn't mean they aren't solid, in their own fashion. This is all magic, of course, so it's not entirely going to make sense, but think of it this way: human beings are about 98% water. Can we be used to put fires out? Would a vampire be stopped by a running group of people (who are essentially made of water)? Of course not. Just because a water elemental is created from water, doesn't mean it's the same thing as water.
Q. If you polymorph cows into stone, build them into a castle, and then dispel the spell, turning them back into cows, what damage would they do when they land on the people inside the castle?
A. The only way you could change cows into stone is either through the spell flesh to stone, or polymorph any object. Flesh to stone can't be dispelled, as it's an instantaneous effect, so those cows would have to be turned back one at a time with the stone to flesh spell, giving everyone plenty of time to escape. Going by the chart in the book, if you use polymorph any object, then they'd only be turned into rocks for 20 minutes, nowhere long enough to build them into a castle. Isn't there an easier way to kill these guys? Couldn't you just like, poison them or something? If you must, what I'd do is use polymorph any object to change giant round boulders into perfectly square boulders, so when they're dispelled, they'll all slip off each other and crash down on everyone inside. If your heart is set on using cows, then I'd make a variation on the theme and polymorph the cows into mice/cats/rabbits/birds or a similar tiny animal (you can even use baleful polymorph for that) lure your enemies into the room, shut the door behind them and then cast dispel through a small opening in the the door. The resulting cow expansion should be more than enough to do in the troublesome party. As for damage, I'm either calculate it by weight, listed through the telekinesis spell, or consider it the equivalent of a giant falling block trap, 20d6.
Q. Can you have lich phylacteries inside golems?
A. Of course! I've even had lich phylacteries hidden inside the bodies of living bodyguards of the lich. If you want to be mean, you could even hide it deep inside the body of a helpless good person or creature (like a small gold dragon) and then set them loose. The heroes want to destroy the phylactery? They're going to have to cut open that good person/creature to get it.
Q. What would an appropriate mount be for an Illithid Paladin of Tyranny?
A. Mind flayers enslave just about everything, so the sky's pretty much the limit, but if you wanted something appropriate to the underdark, then giant lizards are usually the mount of choice down there.
Q. If a unicorn gains levels in paladin, what would the mount they summoned be?
A. Unicorns usually don't progress in class level, but in Hit dice instead. Still, if a unicorn did manage to progress in the class of paladin, I'd imagine they'd summon a standard warhorse (or its equivalent for the environment that the unicorn is in), but that mount is going to be really confused when they arrive. There's no chance of the unicorn riding it, but it would be a devoted companion to the unicorn, much like a cohort. In fact, it'd be a mount in all regards except for the fact that the unicorn wouldn't be riding it.
Q. Could an intelligent animal be made into a familiar?
A. There are no intelligent animals. By definition, an animal cannot have an intelligence above 2, is not capable of language, reasoning, morality or complex thought. By becoming intelligent, they no longer qualify as animals. Even if they somehow could, only unmodified animals can become familiars.
Q. If a druid restricts themselves to only ape forms, and they get a special ability that gives their alternate forms flight, what shape can they use and still be restricted to ape forms?
A. Flying monkeys. It's a fantasy world, make it up.
Q. If a person transforms into an ooze in a way that they attain all the special qualities/abilities of the form, and they're split in two by a slashing weapon, what happens?
A. Well, either they split or they don't. If the DM decides they can't split, because that'd be forcing their mind to be in two places at once, then that's the end of that. If they do, then I'd assume it falls under the characteristics of the spell 'Polymorph Any Object' which states that damage taken by the new form that can result in injury, or change through physical force, can result in injury or death of the polymorphed creature. So if their body is split in two while in that alternate form, then their normal body is split in two as well. An ooze can survive while split in two. A person cannot. They're dead.
(My sister, Amber, would like to offer her counter idea, where the transformed person becomes two smaller people, each with half of the original person's mass and experience. And that's where halflings came from. That cracked me up.)
Q. Can centaurs climb walls and sheer cliffs?
A. Centaurs don't make much sense in general, I'm afraid. They're large, but their human half is medium sized. They have incredible strength, but logically that strength is in the horse half, that isn't used for swinging weapons. I prefer to imagine centaurs as they were in...ahem, well that story about the kid who goes to the wizard school. Those centaurs had proportionally larger human halves, which are closer to the size of ogres. That makes a lot more sense. Going back to the question, there's no reason they couldn't climb up a sheer wall or cliff, it'd just be very very hard. They probably could use their front legs to help them climb, as if they were normal human legs (if a satyr can do it, a centaur should be able to as well), but the rear half of their body would simply hang off, pulling them downwards. Personally, I'd take their weight, subtract the average human weight for their relative height/gender, and force them to consider themselves encumbered with that much extra weight upon themselves. It might be difficult, but if a man with no legs can climb, then an incredibly strong centaur should be able to as well.
Q. If Demogorgon and Asmodeus had an all out fight, who would win?
A. Every good aligned plane.
Q. Is dragon meat edible?
A. Humans eat everything they possibly can in order to survive, so since they don't (as it isn't listed in any of the rules), then they can't. It's not poisonous or else it'd be listed as a poison. More likely, it's just indigestible, like mud. Of course white chocolate is indigestible and people eat that, so it's probably both inedible and revolting to boot. (Let's face it, you don't see many real world recipes for cooking lizard)
Q. Could you store a hundred 1st level wizards in bags of holding, with bottles of air, to help you cast epic spells?
A. Possibly, but how would you ever convince them to go along with it? This goes far beyond the normal call of spell fees and I could see them each charging at least 50-100 gold for every day carted around like that. Even then, the cost of all the bags of holding and bottles of air would be tremendous, and even if ALL that worked, how are you going to keep them alive? 1st level characters tend not to last long in epic situations. Still, it's most likely possible, just not practical.
Q. What is the break DC of the planet?
A. The planet is not an object that can be targeted, but even if you managed to shatter it, it would just pull back into the same place because of the sun's gravitational pull. If you were large and powerful enough to circumvent gravity and treat the earth as a single object...then that would require an entirely new rule system to facilitate.
Q. If you moved the Tarrasque back in time to fight itself, what would happen?
A. Time travel isn't possible in D&D. Even spells like Time Stop merely slow down time to the point that it appears that time isn't moving. I imagine if it were possible, there would be a LOT of the traditional time travel problems (killing your ancient ancestors, spreading diseases, becoming your own grandparent, stepping on butterflies, etc, etc). In a best case scenario, I think the two Tarrasques would just beat each other until they got bored, or until one fell unconscious and the other left.
Q. Could you use a ring of 3 wishes to give the Tarrasque a gender, create a second Tarrasque of the opposite gender and then use the third wish to get them to mate?
A. Wishes are mostly up to the discretion of the DM, but let's face it, if you could wish a Tarrasque into existence, then every epic wizard would have a Tarrasque army following them! I doubt that even the spell wish could permanently change the Tarrasque, but it isn't completely unreasonable to assume you could use a wish to give the Tarrasque a gender and get it to mate, but to create a copy of a legendary monster out of thin air with a single wish is just ridiculous. Besides, if you could create a Tarrasque out of thin air with a wish, you wouldn't need to get them to mate. You'd just need wishes.
Q. Could you use the Rod of Rulership to force the Tarrasque to eat a thousand Icy scroll sheets at once, doing 6d6 damage apiece?
A. The rod of rulership doesn't give you complete control of the target, it just makes them completely devoted to you, unless you give them a command that is contrary to their nature. The Tarrasque's nature is to kill everything around it. The first time you order it not to kill you, the spell will be broken. It might be possible to direct its killing with a rod of rulership (kill them first, then get to me later), but if you want to drop it with icy sheets (which is a very good idea), I'd instead have all the icy sheets carried by a target (an animal, or a brave adventurer who's been promised a resurrection) and trick the Tarrasque into swallowing that target whole. That'd do it.
Q. Would suffocation, starvation, orb of annihilation, etc. harm the Tarrasque?
A. The Tarrasque, by the words in the monster manual, is immune to all death effects and permanent injuries. Although it doesn't list every single thing it's immune to, it's quite clear that it's immune to effects that immediately cause death, or permanent injuries. The monster manual makes it very clear that the Tarrasque cannot be killed or permanently altered in any way, save for a wish spell when it's driven into unconsciousness. This means that the Tarrasque is immune to all effects that cause instant death, including orb of annihilation, suffocation and starvation. If that isn't enough to satisfy you, then face facts: if any of those things could have killed the Tarrasque, then they would have done so already. The Tarrasque is a legendary unkillable monster, fought throughout time, and there are relatively low level spells, and much easier monsters, that cause suffocation upon targets. If suffocation could drop the Tarrasque to unconsciousness then it would have done so, and the same goes for starvation, and even powerful magic effects. The Tarrasque is immune to all death effects, and anything that causes death for any reason besides damage is a death effect. Still, the Tarrasque isn't immune to teleportation or mind control, so what I'd do is cast polymorph any object on him to turn him into a small rock or something (it'll take several tries and only last 20 minutes, but it'll be worth it), put the rock in a bag of holding, and then stab the bag. The bag will be destroyed, but all the contents will be lost forever (as per the item description). Goodbye Tarrasque. Or better yet, gate or plane shift with the small rock to the plane you like least, drop it on the ground and plane shift back/gate back. That plane will officially have a new hobby in about twenty minutes or so.
Q. The Tarrasque is a woman, right?
A. The Tarrasque has no gender. In fact, it fits under absolutely no other category than Tarrasque.
Q. In the second edition monster's manual, it states under the description of the Tarrasque that creatures with a negative Thaco can only be hit by rolling a 1. What does that mean?
A. You got me. I never understood second edition.
Well, thank you for taking the time to read this, and again, thank you for producing an update to Dungeons and Dragons. We, who spend far too much time thinking about it, thank you.
Take care,
Robert Freeman
robertmfreeman@hotmail.com
http://maxandotherstrangeness.blogspot.com
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
BREAK!
That's right! I'm taking a short break from the competition, first to let you know what I've got in the large plastic bag next to my computer, and secondly to describe the test run I'm about to go through.
Firstly...firstly? That a word?
Anyway...I say anyway a lot...
Well, (there we go) the bag contains twenty dollars worth of horrible movies, about 30 or so to be exact. A friend of mine sells them online (they're the dollar store DVD's you see around) and I decided to be a customer and buy a very large supply of horrible, horrible, horrible movies. How bad? I'm going to see. Then I decided I can make a little game of it, of a sorts.
I'm going to see how long I can watch the movie before stopping and going to do something else.
For example, I started (randomly) with "Stateline Motel" and found it marginally entertaining. It co-stars the very fine method actor, Eli Wallach (he was 'the ugly' in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'), has a satisfactory car chase (although the main character and Eli magically switch seats in one scene, along with the steering wheel), and a funny opening scene where the main character is released from prison and then immediately goes with Eli to rob a jewelry store.
After a while Eli left though, and we watch the main character get his car 'stuck' on about two inches of snow, leading him to need to go get help...and then I got bored, shutting the movie off for now...at 17 minutes, 52 seconds.
Not bad, considering I only got six minutes into Ninja Death 2 before shutting it off and then banging my head against my desk (I'm saving that one for Jen and Pat's), which made me wonder...how are these movies going to measure up? Which ones will I be able to go the longest with, and which the shortest.
If people want to guess, I'll even try and figure out a prize of some sorts, if they can figure which of these movies, based on titles along, I will go the furthest with, and which one I'll go the least with (not counting the two I've listed above).
The beautiful list of titles (with some additional notes) are:
Slave of the Cannibal God (exactly what it sounds like)
Deadly Impact (Fred Williamson blacksploitation)
Death Journey (ditto)
Project Kill (secret spy action starring...Leslie Nielson?!)
Mutant (produced by Dick Clark...I checked, not that Dick Clark)
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you have to see the back of the package to believe it)
Ninja American Warrior (shouldn't it be American Ninja Warrior?)
Virgin Terror (you can guess)
Spider's Venom (the main chick's hot, looks like Carol Cleveland)
The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (the third in the series, apparently)
Hitler: Dead of Alive (great title)
Prison Break (from 1938, and you can really tell)
Ransom Money (it says the surprise ending on back. Huh?)
Desert Commandos (WW2 guys on the front, Desert Storm guys on back. Wha?)
Legend of the 8 Samurai (no idea, I got it because it comes with the movie...)
Deady Buddhist Raiders (They raid, feel satisfied with what they already have, then burn)
Dementia 13 (a Francis Ford Coppola movie...it's supposed to be good, but who knows)
Murder at Midnight (you'll never guess what happens)
Incident on a Dark Street (Shatner! He's a cop!)
Incubus (More Shatner! He's an exorcist!)
WAIT, WHAT?
You heard me, Amber! Now hold on, I'm not finished yet!
Rage of the Master (doesn't appear to have rage, nor a master)
Snake Crane Secert (that's exactly how it's written on the case)
The Satanic Rites of Dracula (Christopher Lee is Dracula! Moria...)
Horror Express (Chris Lee is on a monster infested train! Mordor...)
Dead Men Walk (Black and White zombie revenge flick)
The Monster Maker (Uh...guy makes monsters. Go fig.)
Dog Day (I hope Lee Marvin was paid well for this crappy criminal on the run flick)
Condition Red (Prison guard hooks up with female prisoner...I was hoping they meant 'red alert' and involved submarines)
A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court (only 55 minutes long...that's a bad sign)
The Amazing Mr. Blunden (time traveling kids foil robbers...99 minutes long...great)
There we go! Thirty turkeys! Can you guess which one is going to last the most, and least amount of time? Post some guesses and we'll see!
Anyway, it's time for the trial run.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET...TRIAL RUN?
You see, I'm not sure if the next challenge will work or not...to eliminate the suspense, it's with www.fanfiction.net, but how to challenge? The Judge declared that it's not really fair to compare my writing, a 28 year old amateur writer and college graduate, against the work of an young teen girl who's barely started high school...but what if I only had ten minutes?
I couldn't write a whole story of course, but if I, in ten minutes, could throw together a fragment of a story that's better than the fan fic writer's (who has had an unlimited amount of time to prepare) and with exactly the same premise...I think I'd score a point. Best out of three points wins!
The Judge is a little shaky on the premise though, and has prepared a 'Test premise' for me to use. I'll do my best to throw together a short story based on that premise in ten minutes, with no preparation.
Ready! Set!
The premise is...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows My take on the last book!!!111 CHAPTER 3: Harry and Draco are trapped in an elevator together and true feelings are revealed! But when things look bad a guest star Crossover anime character and my own orginally charrie shows up to save the day!!! This fic is rated M for leMon!!!! plz r&r!!!!1111one"
You're a cruel woman Amby...BUT NOT CRUEL ENOUGH!
CHAPTER 3: AN UNTIMELY INTERRUPTION
Ranma shimmied down the ladder in the elevator shaft as best he could, barely ahead of the lumbering King Torg. Ranma was beginning to worry, knowing that if the big guy slipped, he'd be smashed flat against the elevator below. The fact the self proclaimed 'King' was climbing down one handed, while making out with Nibiki, was not helping out his nerves.
"Will the two of you knock it off! Harry and Draco are going to die if we don't get there soon!"
Torg pulled himself off Ranma's exhaused, soon to be sister in law, and yelled down,
"Can't they just 'magic' themselves out or something? This chick is so ready..."
Ranma rolled his eyes and quickly squirmed down below, where he saw the outline of what appeared to be an elevator. He was about to yell up at the idiotic half pig-demon guy, when he heard voices from below,
"What do you mean you don't have one?"
A squeaky, shrill voice rattled out, echoing through the darkness. A slightly deeper voice shot back,
"Well why would I have one with me? It's not like I was expecting this to...well can't you just magic one up or something?"
A low, shrill growl hissed back, like a snake,
"Why the hell would there be a spell like that for?!"
"For situations like this, I'd imagine. Can't we just...you know, not use one?"
The shrill voice became slightly annoyed, spewing back,
"If I'm going where Weasley's been, I'm sure as hell wearing one."
King Torg shimmied down, leaving the exhausted Nibiki further up, to catch her breath. He slid down towards Ranma and casually asked,
"What I miss?"
"Huh? Oh nothing...say, could you throw these into the elevator down there?"
Torg took the small handful of material, quickly leapt down, opened the hatch and tossed them in.
Harry and Draco looked down at the floor and saw...a zip lock bag and a rubber band.
Harry snapped his head up and snarled,
"OH, HA HA GUYS! HA HA...what?"
Draco look from the bag to the rubber band and wondered,
"Do you think it would..."
"NO!!!"
That's right! I'm taking a short break from the competition, first to let you know what I've got in the large plastic bag next to my computer, and secondly to describe the test run I'm about to go through.
Firstly...firstly? That a word?
Anyway...I say anyway a lot...
Well, (there we go) the bag contains twenty dollars worth of horrible movies, about 30 or so to be exact. A friend of mine sells them online (they're the dollar store DVD's you see around) and I decided to be a customer and buy a very large supply of horrible, horrible, horrible movies. How bad? I'm going to see. Then I decided I can make a little game of it, of a sorts.
I'm going to see how long I can watch the movie before stopping and going to do something else.
For example, I started (randomly) with "Stateline Motel" and found it marginally entertaining. It co-stars the very fine method actor, Eli Wallach (he was 'the ugly' in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'), has a satisfactory car chase (although the main character and Eli magically switch seats in one scene, along with the steering wheel), and a funny opening scene where the main character is released from prison and then immediately goes with Eli to rob a jewelry store.
After a while Eli left though, and we watch the main character get his car 'stuck' on about two inches of snow, leading him to need to go get help...and then I got bored, shutting the movie off for now...at 17 minutes, 52 seconds.
Not bad, considering I only got six minutes into Ninja Death 2 before shutting it off and then banging my head against my desk (I'm saving that one for Jen and Pat's), which made me wonder...how are these movies going to measure up? Which ones will I be able to go the longest with, and which the shortest.
If people want to guess, I'll even try and figure out a prize of some sorts, if they can figure which of these movies, based on titles along, I will go the furthest with, and which one I'll go the least with (not counting the two I've listed above).
The beautiful list of titles (with some additional notes) are:
Slave of the Cannibal God (exactly what it sounds like)
Deadly Impact (Fred Williamson blacksploitation)
Death Journey (ditto)
Project Kill (secret spy action starring...Leslie Nielson?!)
Mutant (produced by Dick Clark...I checked, not that Dick Clark)
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you have to see the back of the package to believe it)
Ninja American Warrior (shouldn't it be American Ninja Warrior?)
Virgin Terror (you can guess)
Spider's Venom (the main chick's hot, looks like Carol Cleveland)
The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (the third in the series, apparently)
Hitler: Dead of Alive (great title)
Prison Break (from 1938, and you can really tell)
Ransom Money (it says the surprise ending on back. Huh?)
Desert Commandos (WW2 guys on the front, Desert Storm guys on back. Wha?)
Legend of the 8 Samurai (no idea, I got it because it comes with the movie...)
Deady Buddhist Raiders (They raid, feel satisfied with what they already have, then burn)
Dementia 13 (a Francis Ford Coppola movie...it's supposed to be good, but who knows)
Murder at Midnight (you'll never guess what happens)
Incident on a Dark Street (Shatner! He's a cop!)
Incubus (More Shatner! He's an exorcist!)
WAIT, WHAT?
You heard me, Amber! Now hold on, I'm not finished yet!
Rage of the Master (doesn't appear to have rage, nor a master)
Snake Crane Secert (that's exactly how it's written on the case)
The Satanic Rites of Dracula (Christopher Lee is Dracula! Moria...)
Horror Express (Chris Lee is on a monster infested train! Mordor...)
Dead Men Walk (Black and White zombie revenge flick)
The Monster Maker (Uh...guy makes monsters. Go fig.)
Dog Day (I hope Lee Marvin was paid well for this crappy criminal on the run flick)
Condition Red (Prison guard hooks up with female prisoner...I was hoping they meant 'red alert' and involved submarines)
A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court (only 55 minutes long...that's a bad sign)
The Amazing Mr. Blunden (time traveling kids foil robbers...99 minutes long...great)
There we go! Thirty turkeys! Can you guess which one is going to last the most, and least amount of time? Post some guesses and we'll see!
Anyway, it's time for the trial run.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET...TRIAL RUN?
You see, I'm not sure if the next challenge will work or not...to eliminate the suspense, it's with www.fanfiction.net, but how to challenge? The Judge declared that it's not really fair to compare my writing, a 28 year old amateur writer and college graduate, against the work of an young teen girl who's barely started high school...but what if I only had ten minutes?
I couldn't write a whole story of course, but if I, in ten minutes, could throw together a fragment of a story that's better than the fan fic writer's (who has had an unlimited amount of time to prepare) and with exactly the same premise...I think I'd score a point. Best out of three points wins!
The Judge is a little shaky on the premise though, and has prepared a 'Test premise' for me to use. I'll do my best to throw together a short story based on that premise in ten minutes, with no preparation.
Ready! Set!
The premise is...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows My take on the last book!!!111 CHAPTER 3: Harry and Draco are trapped in an elevator together and true feelings are revealed! But when things look bad a guest star Crossover anime character and my own orginally charrie shows up to save the day!!! This fic is rated M for leMon!!!! plz r&r!!!!1111one"
You're a cruel woman Amby...BUT NOT CRUEL ENOUGH!
CHAPTER 3: AN UNTIMELY INTERRUPTION
Ranma shimmied down the ladder in the elevator shaft as best he could, barely ahead of the lumbering King Torg. Ranma was beginning to worry, knowing that if the big guy slipped, he'd be smashed flat against the elevator below. The fact the self proclaimed 'King' was climbing down one handed, while making out with Nibiki, was not helping out his nerves.
"Will the two of you knock it off! Harry and Draco are going to die if we don't get there soon!"
Torg pulled himself off Ranma's exhaused, soon to be sister in law, and yelled down,
"Can't they just 'magic' themselves out or something? This chick is so ready..."
Ranma rolled his eyes and quickly squirmed down below, where he saw the outline of what appeared to be an elevator. He was about to yell up at the idiotic half pig-demon guy, when he heard voices from below,
"What do you mean you don't have one?"
A squeaky, shrill voice rattled out, echoing through the darkness. A slightly deeper voice shot back,
"Well why would I have one with me? It's not like I was expecting this to...well can't you just magic one up or something?"
A low, shrill growl hissed back, like a snake,
"Why the hell would there be a spell like that for?!"
"For situations like this, I'd imagine. Can't we just...you know, not use one?"
The shrill voice became slightly annoyed, spewing back,
"If I'm going where Weasley's been, I'm sure as hell wearing one."
King Torg shimmied down, leaving the exhausted Nibiki further up, to catch her breath. He slid down towards Ranma and casually asked,
"What I miss?"
"Huh? Oh nothing...say, could you throw these into the elevator down there?"
Torg took the small handful of material, quickly leapt down, opened the hatch and tossed them in.
Harry and Draco looked down at the floor and saw...a zip lock bag and a rubber band.
Harry snapped his head up and snarled,
"OH, HA HA GUYS! HA HA...what?"
Draco look from the bag to the rubber band and wondered,
"Do you think it would..."
"NO!!!"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 1B
We're back, and to make the situation a little more clear, the judge has decreed that during my IMDB challenge, choosing 'My Pet Monster', the failed pilot/straight to video kids movie, was more than a little bit unfair, especially since it isn't even a movie, really, and the site prides itself in being a 'movie' database.
The first two movies, 'Dr. Alien' and 'God Told Me To' both still stand, leaving me and the website tied up, requiring a third movie to compete against. Because of the last personal foul, I will not get to choose the third movie personally, but an impartial third party (thanks Jenny!) has selected "Unico:".
Unico is a dubbed Japanese cartoon starring the ridiculously adorable tiny cat-sized, red headed unicorn 'Unico' that speaks in an adorable squeaky voice, occasionally sprouts fairy wings, and brings death and chaos everywhere he goes. This isn't exactly Unico's fault, as an evil dark queen follows in Unico's wake, in an attempt to destroy him for some reason I don't exactly follow.
This is outside the plot though, and merely serves as an excuse to drop Unico into brand new situations every movie, never being able to stay with his new friends, having to instead find new lives to unintentionally destroy.
In this chapter, which is the best in my opinion, there is an evil living puppet that hates everyone around him. Does he destroy them? No! Instead he just has his traditional dashing yet reluctant assistant help round everyone up, with the help of the assistant's awesome ability to cut down trees and turn them into flying tree-bikes.
After rounding up the helpless villagers, the evil puppet turns them into...remember those blocks we had when we were young that looked like little people but connected to each other? Yeah, he turns everyone into living building blocks like those, and makes his castle out of them. Overall, it's pretty elaborate considering the amount of thought most villains put into this kind of caper.
Anyway, in a traditional fashion, Unico wins friends, turns the heart of the villain's awesome reluctant assistant, helps the assistant find love, and then in a one-on-one battle, in an untraditional fashion, sprouts fairy wings and then brutally impales the main villain on his horn.
The villain clutches at the wound and then cries out that he feels 'Good!' as he explodes, ending the evil spell upon the villagers, and bringing an unlimited amount of love and friendship to the wonderful puppet killer, Unico, who basically just used the power of pure love to cleave a man in two.
Unspeakably awesome!
No time to celebrate though! Here comes the evil queen, so it's off to further adventures, you delightful horned psychopath you! Ta ta!
Bonus point for Max, for remembering that Unico is a boy, but it gets wiped out by the fact that Max forgot that Unico is based on a Manga. On to IMDB:
IMDB:
Unico: Mahô no shima e (1983)
(No picture)
(English title: Unico In the Magic Island)
Plot Summary:
The lovable Unico the Unicorn still sought after by jealous gods. (Huh?) Is (They're starting the sentence with 'Is'?) taken to the forest by the West Wind and forgets everything from his earlier fantastic adventure. Unico wonders (Wonders?) aimlessly into the deep forest and finds Melvin Magnificat a cranky cat that thinks he is the big boss of the forest. Unico also runs into Cheri a young girl who finds and then cares for Unico. Toby a wannabe magician, (Toby a wannabe magician what?)Lord Kuruku a powerful magician that has a grudge against the human race, (Lord Kuruku a powerful magician what?!)and many more new characters. (And many more new characters wh...ah just forget it)
...wait, that's it? That's all the plot summary we're going to get? Wow, apparently they did forget it. In fact, throughout the horribly written summary, they forgot to talk about the plot! Judges?
Indeed! Although Max did forget about the comic relief cat...but perhaps that's for the best.
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 2
POINT REGAINED
YEAH! TAKE THAT NAY SAYERS! I just knocked down the re-risen Internet Movie Database 'Whack a Mole' style!
Is that it? Of course not! Onto the war journal!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 6: SOMETHING AWFUL
March 11th, 4:30 pm:
I've got a free moment to myself, so I nestled up with my keyboard, fumbled for my pack of ciggs, remembered that I don't smoke, and started writing.
Mom, Dad, Amber, Heather and everyone else...I may not make it back alive from this one.
I keep telling myself that I'm ahead, that I don't have anything to fear, that all the judge has decreed is that I must sit straight through a specific Something Awful weekend web without standing up, significantly looking away or crying like a broken man.
How hard could that be?
Due to the nature of the battle, I'm afraid I won't be able to update you on my progress until after the battle...if I make it out alive. This is a site that prides itself on being awful, so in order for them to win, they're going to have to horrify me to the point of retreat...but I've sworn to myself that I will not retreat!
I will stand tall and strong, holding my shield or on it!
Wait! I hear their approach! The battle begins and I must leave. I'll write again as soon as I...
March 11th, 4:57 pm:
I don't know if I can accurately describe what just happened.
Current level of faith in humanity: 100% (I'll update you on its progress. Like a video game, if it reaches 0%, I'm doomed)
It all started with a Yoshi fan-site. (99%) That's right, Yoshi the Mario Brothers dinosaur. It starts with people, each with their own drawing of Yoshi, talking about how great Yoshi is (98%). One of the members went on to say that he hates those 'serious jerks' that think they're stupid and if there was no consequence, he'd kill them all. (93%)
For a change there's someone with a Tails image from the Sonic games (94%) who's named himself 'Tails' (92%) and goes on about how much he loves his Yoshi plushie (90%) and that he's going to take it everywhere from now on (88%).
His next post is about gay sex with Tails (83%). A LONG post about gay sex with Tails (80%), using phrases such as 'wrapped his tails around' and 'nodded to give consent'. (76%)
If that wasn't enough, it goes on for more and more pages of Tails as a woman, with huge breasts, and in one case as a woman with huge breasts who is also a killer cyborg (66%).
Then we're back to Yoshi, who is drawn with black hair, in a suit, and with a backpack. He's crying over a picture of a red feminine Yoshi, on the wall behind him is the word 'sad' printed over and over, and below the picture is the tagline: 'a pic about how I feel at school'. I want to throw this kid's backpack onto the roof of the gym. (56%)
A member with an adorable and unique picture of Yoshi (58%) whines on and on about how she accidentally killed a lizard (56%).
A member with a generic picture of Yoshi announces: 'If this is spam, please lock. I am single and need a girl to love. :-(' (54%)
It's tails again and he's now a tall naked purple woman! (48%)
More whining. (46%)
Followed by a tense story of how they 'accidentally left their plush yoshi out in the rain, couldn't find it, and when they found it it was all smelly. Then he washed it and it was alright.' I wish I could punt people off the internet (44%)
The next post starts 'Have you ever been tricked in a Yoshi related way?' (40%)
Another kid woke up while sleeping in the middle of class, and for some reason shouted "Yoshi Rules!"
Actually, that's pretty damn funny.
Despite the horrifying pictures/gay fanfics involving Tails, I weathered through the battle with a full two fifths of my faith in humanity remaining. Sure, it was bad, but they were just kids! It all wasn't as bad as it...
It was then I saw the second website in the weekend web roll over the horizon. It's entitled: Jeffrey's Love Quest.
Is it Jeffrey's quest for love? No! It's about his incredible, intense love for...a cartoon character. (35%)
Specifically, his love for Rei Ayanami, the blue haired chick from Neon Genesis Evangelion (30%)
It starts about how much he loves her, and that she's his true soulmate (25%)
Some notable quotes inclue:
"Rei if you truly are real, I want you to know I love you with all my heart!" (20%)
"Rei is my goddess and my queen!" (15%)
A new user, David Jones, attempts to talk the poor fool down (20%)...
But to no avail. (15%)
"Even though I know she is not real, I love her." (10%)
"I know I'm like her, but then their is this other crazy evil side of me, especially when I'm mad." (5%)
"I know Rei is real in some special kind of way." (Stop)
"Not even death would be able to seperate us!" (Please stop)
"Rei Ayanami, you are what completes my soul, your the most important person in my life!" (For the love of all that is holy, please stop)
"YOUR MINE MY LOVE!" (I'm calling the police)
"Also I would love her and be with her for the rest of my life." (I'm dialing now)
"I'd especially marry her!"
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP!!!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 3
There is a horror which lurks in the souls of men, and I'm now completely convinced that this darkness connects directly to the internet, the final dumping ground for everything people would never actually share in public.
Man, I was prepared for gay fanfics, penile silicone injections and anything disgusting...but this, this never ending surge of whiny adolescent insanity...is more than this soldier can bear.
As a penalty, I'll have to grab something from the shop...but not a hand grenade shirt. That wouldn't go over well with mall security.
This battle is lost, but the war continues! Only three challenges left at most, and the end is near! Which one of us is going to slam down face-first into the mat?
Stay tuned!
We're back, and to make the situation a little more clear, the judge has decreed that during my IMDB challenge, choosing 'My Pet Monster', the failed pilot/straight to video kids movie, was more than a little bit unfair, especially since it isn't even a movie, really, and the site prides itself in being a 'movie' database.
The first two movies, 'Dr. Alien' and 'God Told Me To' both still stand, leaving me and the website tied up, requiring a third movie to compete against. Because of the last personal foul, I will not get to choose the third movie personally, but an impartial third party (thanks Jenny!) has selected "Unico:".
Unico is a dubbed Japanese cartoon starring the ridiculously adorable tiny cat-sized, red headed unicorn 'Unico' that speaks in an adorable squeaky voice, occasionally sprouts fairy wings, and brings death and chaos everywhere he goes. This isn't exactly Unico's fault, as an evil dark queen follows in Unico's wake, in an attempt to destroy him for some reason I don't exactly follow.
This is outside the plot though, and merely serves as an excuse to drop Unico into brand new situations every movie, never being able to stay with his new friends, having to instead find new lives to unintentionally destroy.
In this chapter, which is the best in my opinion, there is an evil living puppet that hates everyone around him. Does he destroy them? No! Instead he just has his traditional dashing yet reluctant assistant help round everyone up, with the help of the assistant's awesome ability to cut down trees and turn them into flying tree-bikes.
After rounding up the helpless villagers, the evil puppet turns them into...remember those blocks we had when we were young that looked like little people but connected to each other? Yeah, he turns everyone into living building blocks like those, and makes his castle out of them. Overall, it's pretty elaborate considering the amount of thought most villains put into this kind of caper.
Anyway, in a traditional fashion, Unico wins friends, turns the heart of the villain's awesome reluctant assistant, helps the assistant find love, and then in a one-on-one battle, in an untraditional fashion, sprouts fairy wings and then brutally impales the main villain on his horn.
The villain clutches at the wound and then cries out that he feels 'Good!' as he explodes, ending the evil spell upon the villagers, and bringing an unlimited amount of love and friendship to the wonderful puppet killer, Unico, who basically just used the power of pure love to cleave a man in two.
Unspeakably awesome!
No time to celebrate though! Here comes the evil queen, so it's off to further adventures, you delightful horned psychopath you! Ta ta!
Bonus point for Max, for remembering that Unico is a boy, but it gets wiped out by the fact that Max forgot that Unico is based on a Manga. On to IMDB:
IMDB:
Unico: Mahô no shima e (1983)
(No picture)
(English title: Unico In the Magic Island)
Plot Summary:
The lovable Unico the Unicorn still sought after by jealous gods. (Huh?) Is (They're starting the sentence with 'Is'?) taken to the forest by the West Wind and forgets everything from his earlier fantastic adventure. Unico wonders (Wonders?) aimlessly into the deep forest and finds Melvin Magnificat a cranky cat that thinks he is the big boss of the forest. Unico also runs into Cheri a young girl who finds and then cares for Unico. Toby a wannabe magician, (Toby a wannabe magician what?)Lord Kuruku a powerful magician that has a grudge against the human race, (Lord Kuruku a powerful magician what?!)and many more new characters. (And many more new characters wh...ah just forget it)
...wait, that's it? That's all the plot summary we're going to get? Wow, apparently they did forget it. In fact, throughout the horribly written summary, they forgot to talk about the plot! Judges?
Indeed! Although Max did forget about the comic relief cat...but perhaps that's for the best.
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 2
POINT REGAINED
YEAH! TAKE THAT NAY SAYERS! I just knocked down the re-risen Internet Movie Database 'Whack a Mole' style!
Is that it? Of course not! Onto the war journal!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 6: SOMETHING AWFUL
March 11th, 4:30 pm:
I've got a free moment to myself, so I nestled up with my keyboard, fumbled for my pack of ciggs, remembered that I don't smoke, and started writing.
Mom, Dad, Amber, Heather and everyone else...I may not make it back alive from this one.
I keep telling myself that I'm ahead, that I don't have anything to fear, that all the judge has decreed is that I must sit straight through a specific Something Awful weekend web without standing up, significantly looking away or crying like a broken man.
How hard could that be?
Due to the nature of the battle, I'm afraid I won't be able to update you on my progress until after the battle...if I make it out alive. This is a site that prides itself on being awful, so in order for them to win, they're going to have to horrify me to the point of retreat...but I've sworn to myself that I will not retreat!
I will stand tall and strong, holding my shield or on it!
Wait! I hear their approach! The battle begins and I must leave. I'll write again as soon as I...
March 11th, 4:57 pm:
I don't know if I can accurately describe what just happened.
Current level of faith in humanity: 100% (I'll update you on its progress. Like a video game, if it reaches 0%, I'm doomed)
It all started with a Yoshi fan-site. (99%) That's right, Yoshi the Mario Brothers dinosaur. It starts with people, each with their own drawing of Yoshi, talking about how great Yoshi is (98%). One of the members went on to say that he hates those 'serious jerks' that think they're stupid and if there was no consequence, he'd kill them all. (93%)
For a change there's someone with a Tails image from the Sonic games (94%) who's named himself 'Tails' (92%) and goes on about how much he loves his Yoshi plushie (90%) and that he's going to take it everywhere from now on (88%).
His next post is about gay sex with Tails (83%). A LONG post about gay sex with Tails (80%), using phrases such as 'wrapped his tails around' and 'nodded to give consent'. (76%)
If that wasn't enough, it goes on for more and more pages of Tails as a woman, with huge breasts, and in one case as a woman with huge breasts who is also a killer cyborg (66%).
Then we're back to Yoshi, who is drawn with black hair, in a suit, and with a backpack. He's crying over a picture of a red feminine Yoshi, on the wall behind him is the word 'sad' printed over and over, and below the picture is the tagline: 'a pic about how I feel at school'. I want to throw this kid's backpack onto the roof of the gym. (56%)
A member with an adorable and unique picture of Yoshi (58%) whines on and on about how she accidentally killed a lizard (56%).
A member with a generic picture of Yoshi announces: 'If this is spam, please lock. I am single and need a girl to love. :-(' (54%)
It's tails again and he's now a tall naked purple woman! (48%)
More whining. (46%)
Followed by a tense story of how they 'accidentally left their plush yoshi out in the rain, couldn't find it, and when they found it it was all smelly. Then he washed it and it was alright.' I wish I could punt people off the internet (44%)
The next post starts 'Have you ever been tricked in a Yoshi related way?' (40%)
Another kid woke up while sleeping in the middle of class, and for some reason shouted "Yoshi Rules!"
Actually, that's pretty damn funny.
Despite the horrifying pictures/gay fanfics involving Tails, I weathered through the battle with a full two fifths of my faith in humanity remaining. Sure, it was bad, but they were just kids! It all wasn't as bad as it...
It was then I saw the second website in the weekend web roll over the horizon. It's entitled: Jeffrey's Love Quest.
Is it Jeffrey's quest for love? No! It's about his incredible, intense love for...a cartoon character. (35%)
Specifically, his love for Rei Ayanami, the blue haired chick from Neon Genesis Evangelion (30%)
It starts about how much he loves her, and that she's his true soulmate (25%)
Some notable quotes inclue:
"Rei if you truly are real, I want you to know I love you with all my heart!" (20%)
"Rei is my goddess and my queen!" (15%)
A new user, David Jones, attempts to talk the poor fool down (20%)...
But to no avail. (15%)
"Even though I know she is not real, I love her." (10%)
"I know I'm like her, but then their is this other crazy evil side of me, especially when I'm mad." (5%)
"I know Rei is real in some special kind of way." (Stop)
"Not even death would be able to seperate us!" (Please stop)
"Rei Ayanami, you are what completes my soul, your the most important person in my life!" (For the love of all that is holy, please stop)
"YOUR MINE MY LOVE!" (I'm calling the police)
"Also I would love her and be with her for the rest of my life." (I'm dialing now)
"I'd especially marry her!"
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP!!!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 3
There is a horror which lurks in the souls of men, and I'm now completely convinced that this darkness connects directly to the internet, the final dumping ground for everything people would never actually share in public.
Man, I was prepared for gay fanfics, penile silicone injections and anything disgusting...but this, this never ending surge of whiny adolescent insanity...is more than this soldier can bear.
As a penalty, I'll have to grab something from the shop...but not a hand grenade shirt. That wouldn't go over well with mall security.
This battle is lost, but the war continues! Only three challenges left at most, and the end is near! Which one of us is going to slam down face-first into the mat?
Stay tuned!
Monday, February 26, 2007
The judge has decreed that one of my past victories was possibly unfair, and until the dispute is resolved, my record will go back down to 2-1. Which glorious victory of mine is being disputed? You'll just have to stay tuned and see...
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 5: AMAZON
Amazon. Videos. Books. Games. It's basically Half.com for people who don't like to save money.
Seriously, you could take www.Amazon.com, make everything slightly used and half the cost, and you'd get www.half.com.
Well...Amazon has a lot else to offer, right?
Oh I don't know. That's why I'm here. TO CHALLENGE AMAZON TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!
Well not really to the death, actually. I haven't got the guts, and Amazon doesn't have a "life" to lose, so to speak. So let's just spar, gentleman-like, and whoever wins gets a point...and what the hell, a free punch to the face. I feel generous.
Amazon has gone to incredible lengths to determine what I would like, and frankly an accurate listing of all the movies/books/video games that I'd like to pre-order, is the only thing that could possibly get me to buy through Amazon. To be honest, I have, in the relatively recent past, found, pre-ordered and then purchased two books through Amazon.com in this manner.
Two...but not three.
The judge has therefore decreed that I am to look through my Amazon recommendation list and then check each item, to see if the price they're asking for it (plus shipping) is actually what I'm willing to pay for that item. I am also to wipe out any item that I already own from the list, leaving me twenty items that I might "potentially" buy. If they can recommend three items I'd actually buy, at a price I'd be willing to pay for them, they win! If this seems unfair, keep in mind that they only have to win 3 of the 20 items, so knock it off already!
The aforementioned punch to the face? If Amazon wins...I'll actually buy those items.
That's right, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Begin.
Page 1 of items:
"Princess Mononoke" on DVD, "Nausicaa" on DVD, "Chronicles of Narnia" on DVD (special 4 disc set), Fraggle Rock "Red" doll, and "Star Wars: Episode 3"
I could hem and haw around the issue, but I'm just going to come out and say it:
I didn't like Princess Mononoke. It was preachy, depressing, and Princess Mononoke herself was a traditional Japanese female lead: beautiful, weak and almost completely dependent on the male hero. I'm not willing to buy it at all. That doesn't help the fact that they want $20 for it.
Nausicaa...depressing...not "Grave of the Fireflies" depressing, but close enough. No sale.
Chronicles of Narnia is the kind of movie I assumed I'd eventually get through Netflix, most likely to watch Mike Nelson and the bots make fun of it. I'd possibly get it as a laugh for...$8...which is about $27 less than I'd have to pay to own this gem. Man, Amazon, do you really think you know me?
Apparently Amazon is selling toys now. I hadn't even noticed. A doll of Red the Fraggle? I'd prefer...almost any other fraggle really. I'd be willing to lay a five spot down for it though. And it costs...$15. Moving on.
Episode 3 holds a special place in my heart. Specifically the part that hates life and loves misery (what's with that part, anyway?). Oh sure, the movie had quite a few things going for it. Few, if you weren't aware, is officially "3".
Those three things were: Obi-wan (the real main character of the trilogy), General Smoker-cough, and Yoda McKillsalototroopers. I'd pay $13, out of pure, knee-jerk loyalty to Lucas.
The price with shipping?
...$12.99
DAMN IT!!! There's so many better things I could spend $12.99 on! Still, I promised, and I don't have to do it unless Amazon can come up with two more!
Onto page 2 of items: "Chicken Run" (the first good movie Amazon's offered) on DVD, "Castle in the Air" in paperback, "Star Trek: the Animated series" on DVD (shudder), "Robbie the Reindeer" on DVD (?), and "Rocky and Bullwinkle: Season 3".
Chicken Run was an honestly good movie...but it's one of those movies I honestly don't need to see again. I'd possibly pay $10...and they want $13. *Whew!*
Castle in the Air...generic kids fantasty...I don't want it.
Star Trek the animated series? They didn't burn that?! Do they need someone to help them burn it?! I'll pay $5 for a copy, just to burn it! The $43 they want (shakes head) is a bit too steep to warrant the destruction.
Robbie the Reindeer? What the hell is that and why is it getting recommended to be? $8 out of pure curiosity. The $15 they want is a bit much.
Rocky and Bullwinkle is always fun! It was fun in season 1 and season 2 of the DVDs (both I own), but is the third season really going to be any better? I mean, half the joke behind the show is that it's ALWAYS the same! I'd still pay $15 for it though. Of course, as a large, multi-disk set, they want $38. No dice.
Halfway through and only one item on my list!
Page 3: "Addams Family: Season 1" on DVD (might get burned on this one), "Capote" on DVD (okay), "The Dark Knight Returns" in paperback, "Aeon Flux" on DVD, and "Matrix Revolutions" on DVD
Ooooo...I'd actually buy the original Addams family on DVD. It'd spend...$19. What can I say? Gomez, Fester and Lurch are hilarious, and Morticia is HOT with a capital...oh, I guess it's already capitalized. Still, I'd marry, divorce, and re-marry her in a heartbeat (effectively giving her 75% of everything I have, but she's worth it...salivate...).
I'd pay $19 for it.
Sun of a gun, they only want $17.97
Oh well, I feel a lot better about that than Star Wars. Just one more and Amazon may have something...but I don't feel so bad about the next few possibilites.
Capote? The man who defined what it meant to be creative and gay!
Wait, that was Oscar Wilde. Nevermind, $5. They want $15, so moving on.
The Dark Knight returns was good...but not that good. It kind of fills the same void as Chicken Run. Fittingly, I'd pay $10...and fittingly, they want $13.
Aeon Flux and Matrix 3 both hold a special place in my adnoids. Unfortunately, those were cut out of me, so they get nothing.
Final page: "Dinosaurs: season 1 and 2" on DVD (eww...), "Saturday Night Live: the Complete First Season" on DVD, "Seinfeld: Season 7" on DVD, "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas", and "Naked Gun: the complete trilogy" (uh oh...that's bad for me, very bad)
I wouldn't slam the first and second season of Dinosaurs into my worst enemy's face...which ironically is the television show "Dinosaurs". Could I slam something into its own face? I guess I could slam its fist into it. Do television shows have fists? Huh...
Anyway, next is Saturday Night Live...and that humor is pretty dated. Still, there's fun to be had, so...$15...slightly short of the $49.00 they want.
If I had the sudden urge to watch Seinfeld, I wouldn't start with the last season, so I'd only give about $15, again short of the $39.00 asked for.
Otter's Jugband Christmas? That sounds...scary. I'm sorry Mr. Henson, there's limits. No touching below the waist and no Otter Jugband holiday movies. $8 only, and as suspected, they want $18.
Do people really pay these prices for these DVD's? This is a recommendation list geared towards me, so I can only assume that there are other me's out there who's willing to slam down another $10 to watch an otter puppet blow into a jug.
Wherever you are, other me's...don't...just don't.
Well, that about wraps up this...
AHEM!
Oh yeah...the last item.
Crap, I actually want the complete Naked Gun. I almost peed myself laughing after watching the first...the third was a little lame, sure, but the whole set! All at once...
CRAP! I'd pay $24...
What do they want...
Wait for it!
Only two more after this one!
WAIT! I CAN SEE IT NOW! STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
$21.99
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 2
When www.amazon.com scans me, does it scan me positively, seeing the good qualities within myself, or does it always scan me darkly...
In any case, it scans me well. I had no idea that there were actually deals on Amazon! I thought they were all ripoffs! It turns out that's just for everything else BESIDES movies.
Damn it...I actually have to pay hard earned money for Episode 3. BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH IT! SO THERE!
As a consolation to myself, I threw together a second blog, for the hell of it:
http://morbidhaiku.blogspot.com
Check it out and be slightly disturbed! ^_^
Next time: Is Something Awful really that awful...and will I get that disputed point back? We shall see...
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 5: AMAZON
Amazon. Videos. Books. Games. It's basically Half.com for people who don't like to save money.
Seriously, you could take www.Amazon.com, make everything slightly used and half the cost, and you'd get www.half.com.
Well...Amazon has a lot else to offer, right?
Oh I don't know. That's why I'm here. TO CHALLENGE AMAZON TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!
Well not really to the death, actually. I haven't got the guts, and Amazon doesn't have a "life" to lose, so to speak. So let's just spar, gentleman-like, and whoever wins gets a point...and what the hell, a free punch to the face. I feel generous.
Amazon has gone to incredible lengths to determine what I would like, and frankly an accurate listing of all the movies/books/video games that I'd like to pre-order, is the only thing that could possibly get me to buy through Amazon. To be honest, I have, in the relatively recent past, found, pre-ordered and then purchased two books through Amazon.com in this manner.
Two...but not three.
The judge has therefore decreed that I am to look through my Amazon recommendation list and then check each item, to see if the price they're asking for it (plus shipping) is actually what I'm willing to pay for that item. I am also to wipe out any item that I already own from the list, leaving me twenty items that I might "potentially" buy. If they can recommend three items I'd actually buy, at a price I'd be willing to pay for them, they win! If this seems unfair, keep in mind that they only have to win 3 of the 20 items, so knock it off already!
The aforementioned punch to the face? If Amazon wins...I'll actually buy those items.
That's right, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Begin.
Page 1 of items:
"Princess Mononoke" on DVD, "Nausicaa" on DVD, "Chronicles of Narnia" on DVD (special 4 disc set), Fraggle Rock "Red" doll, and "Star Wars: Episode 3"
I could hem and haw around the issue, but I'm just going to come out and say it:
I didn't like Princess Mononoke. It was preachy, depressing, and Princess Mononoke herself was a traditional Japanese female lead: beautiful, weak and almost completely dependent on the male hero. I'm not willing to buy it at all. That doesn't help the fact that they want $20 for it.
Nausicaa...depressing...not "Grave of the Fireflies" depressing, but close enough. No sale.
Chronicles of Narnia is the kind of movie I assumed I'd eventually get through Netflix, most likely to watch Mike Nelson and the bots make fun of it. I'd possibly get it as a laugh for...$8...which is about $27 less than I'd have to pay to own this gem. Man, Amazon, do you really think you know me?
Apparently Amazon is selling toys now. I hadn't even noticed. A doll of Red the Fraggle? I'd prefer...almost any other fraggle really. I'd be willing to lay a five spot down for it though. And it costs...$15. Moving on.
Episode 3 holds a special place in my heart. Specifically the part that hates life and loves misery (what's with that part, anyway?). Oh sure, the movie had quite a few things going for it. Few, if you weren't aware, is officially "3".
Those three things were: Obi-wan (the real main character of the trilogy), General Smoker-cough, and Yoda McKillsalototroopers. I'd pay $13, out of pure, knee-jerk loyalty to Lucas.
The price with shipping?
...$12.99
DAMN IT!!! There's so many better things I could spend $12.99 on! Still, I promised, and I don't have to do it unless Amazon can come up with two more!
Onto page 2 of items: "Chicken Run" (the first good movie Amazon's offered) on DVD, "Castle in the Air" in paperback, "Star Trek: the Animated series" on DVD (shudder), "Robbie the Reindeer" on DVD (?), and "Rocky and Bullwinkle: Season 3".
Chicken Run was an honestly good movie...but it's one of those movies I honestly don't need to see again. I'd possibly pay $10...and they want $13. *Whew!*
Castle in the Air...generic kids fantasty...I don't want it.
Star Trek the animated series? They didn't burn that?! Do they need someone to help them burn it?! I'll pay $5 for a copy, just to burn it! The $43 they want (shakes head) is a bit too steep to warrant the destruction.
Robbie the Reindeer? What the hell is that and why is it getting recommended to be? $8 out of pure curiosity. The $15 they want is a bit much.
Rocky and Bullwinkle is always fun! It was fun in season 1 and season 2 of the DVDs (both I own), but is the third season really going to be any better? I mean, half the joke behind the show is that it's ALWAYS the same! I'd still pay $15 for it though. Of course, as a large, multi-disk set, they want $38. No dice.
Halfway through and only one item on my list!
Page 3: "Addams Family: Season 1" on DVD (might get burned on this one), "Capote" on DVD (okay), "The Dark Knight Returns" in paperback, "Aeon Flux" on DVD, and "Matrix Revolutions" on DVD
Ooooo...I'd actually buy the original Addams family on DVD. It'd spend...$19. What can I say? Gomez, Fester and Lurch are hilarious, and Morticia is HOT with a capital...oh, I guess it's already capitalized. Still, I'd marry, divorce, and re-marry her in a heartbeat (effectively giving her 75% of everything I have, but she's worth it...salivate...).
I'd pay $19 for it.
Sun of a gun, they only want $17.97
Oh well, I feel a lot better about that than Star Wars. Just one more and Amazon may have something...but I don't feel so bad about the next few possibilites.
Capote? The man who defined what it meant to be creative and gay!
Wait, that was Oscar Wilde. Nevermind, $5. They want $15, so moving on.
The Dark Knight returns was good...but not that good. It kind of fills the same void as Chicken Run. Fittingly, I'd pay $10...and fittingly, they want $13.
Aeon Flux and Matrix 3 both hold a special place in my adnoids. Unfortunately, those were cut out of me, so they get nothing.
Final page: "Dinosaurs: season 1 and 2" on DVD (eww...), "Saturday Night Live: the Complete First Season" on DVD, "Seinfeld: Season 7" on DVD, "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas", and "Naked Gun: the complete trilogy" (uh oh...that's bad for me, very bad)
I wouldn't slam the first and second season of Dinosaurs into my worst enemy's face...which ironically is the television show "Dinosaurs". Could I slam something into its own face? I guess I could slam its fist into it. Do television shows have fists? Huh...
Anyway, next is Saturday Night Live...and that humor is pretty dated. Still, there's fun to be had, so...$15...slightly short of the $49.00 they want.
If I had the sudden urge to watch Seinfeld, I wouldn't start with the last season, so I'd only give about $15, again short of the $39.00 asked for.
Otter's Jugband Christmas? That sounds...scary. I'm sorry Mr. Henson, there's limits. No touching below the waist and no Otter Jugband holiday movies. $8 only, and as suspected, they want $18.
Do people really pay these prices for these DVD's? This is a recommendation list geared towards me, so I can only assume that there are other me's out there who's willing to slam down another $10 to watch an otter puppet blow into a jug.
Wherever you are, other me's...don't...just don't.
Well, that about wraps up this...
AHEM!
Oh yeah...the last item.
Crap, I actually want the complete Naked Gun. I almost peed myself laughing after watching the first...the third was a little lame, sure, but the whole set! All at once...
CRAP! I'd pay $24...
What do they want...
Wait for it!
Only two more after this one!
WAIT! I CAN SEE IT NOW! STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
$21.99
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 2
When www.amazon.com scans me, does it scan me positively, seeing the good qualities within myself, or does it always scan me darkly...
In any case, it scans me well. I had no idea that there were actually deals on Amazon! I thought they were all ripoffs! It turns out that's just for everything else BESIDES movies.
Damn it...I actually have to pay hard earned money for Episode 3. BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH IT! SO THERE!
As a consolation to myself, I threw together a second blog, for the hell of it:
http://morbidhaiku.blogspot.com
Check it out and be slightly disturbed! ^_^
Next time: Is Something Awful really that awful...and will I get that disputed point back? We shall see...
Friday, February 16, 2007
NINJA ROBOT DINOSAUR!
Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!
I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!
MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.
Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.
Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?
Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!
Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!
What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".
I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!
For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.
The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).
If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.
Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...
Magic Pet Anime
What does he get...
Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!
What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.
POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST
Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.
Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...
Princess Pony Dancer
What does she get?!
Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.
There's a princess.
Doll furniture...
Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...
Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.
DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!
For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.
Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...
Naked Penis Breast?
Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.
So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?
Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!
Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.
If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!
For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.
For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:
YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!
Now that's educational!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1
Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!
Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!
I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!
MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.
Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.
Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?
Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!
Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!
What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".
I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!
For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.
The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).
If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.
Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...
Magic Pet Anime
What does he get...
Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!
What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.
POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST
Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.
Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...
Princess Pony Dancer
What does she get?!
Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.
There's a princess.
Doll furniture...
Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...
Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.
DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!
For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.
Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...
Naked Penis Breast?
Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.
So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?
Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!
Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.
If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!
For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.
For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:
YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!
Now that's educational!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1
Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!
Monday, February 12, 2007
Hmm...I'm not exactly sure what Frank (the commenter) meant by having someone represent the internet. I mean, I'm challenging the internet as it is now, not the people behind it, or the concept of the internet. The only thing I could imagine that being like is a debate, and debates are boring.
So, if Frank, or anyone, wants to challenge me they'll have to make their own website or something. Either that or Rock-Paper-Scissors. I'm good either way.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 3
CHALLENGE 3: WWW.FARK.COM
Who needs CNN when you've got the highlights of Stuff magazine, work safe girlie pictures, that thing that guy heard, pictures of surprised owls, breaking hearsay, and everything else www.somethingawful.com throws away!
Who? Those of us who get bored by actual news sites, that's who!
Still, they probably deserve a good jab or two, so here we go.
Fark isn't necessarily a bad site, as it provides breaking news from many sources, but do we really need to know these tidbits, especially since we have to fish through mounds of barely organized crappy links to get to them? Let's find out!
The judge has approved my challenge for Fark, which is to check Fark's posts over the previous two days to see if I can find three links that are genuinely either informative or entertaining (that I wasn't already aware of through other sources), with the added stipulation that any links that don't work because of the massive amount of viewers (AKA: Farked) do not count. If Fark can provide three worthy links in two days, they win. If they can't, I do a little dance.
Let's go surfing!
Dogs banned from capital building. Okay.
Photoshop this cellar door...uh...no.
Protest over teacher's erotic vampire website. Is she hot? Checking...quite...but no link to the afore mentioned erotic vampire website, so I feel slightly cheated.
Blah, blah, blah dollar coins...OOOOO! Stop the presses! There's been a Calendar misprint! How will we ever know when it stops being May the 28th?
Uh...Boston light brite joke...blah, blah, blah, pot growers, blah, blah, blah, Welsh pub meets in church...
Oh wait, here's an interesting one. Apparently Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit centers to help fight crime and terror. The catch? Nobody's watching them. Yup, they just sit there and record on their own, but apparently nobody's really keeping track of them either. The link goes on to describe a robbery that occurred right in front of the cameras, but the police didn't get around to checking the tapes in time, and they got copied over.
Guy: "Mr. Officer, do you have my robbery on videotape?"
Officer: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I copied over it with adult swim last night."
Guy: "Oh..."
Officer: "Dude, did you see the new show, Saul of the Mole Men?"
Guy: "No, I was getting robbed."
Officer: "Dude, it was hilarious!"
Well that was a good use of taxpayer money. The cameras copied the crime and it just got copied over, Phoenix Wright style (those of you who don't know what I'm referring to are either suffering from 'haven't-played-the-most-awesome-game-on-the-DS-syndrome' or are still stuck on the fourth damn case).
I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THAT FARK DIDN'T MAKE A MOONINITE JOKE. POINT FOR FARK.
Hmm...well, back at it...
Dang! Two links down and we find a really fun side-scrolling adventure flash game called 'Millie and the Lost Sword' with an amusing, anti-WOW/online gaming theme to it, and the advertisement on the side of the screen has a hot girl in a thong on it.
Could a guy ask for more?
OH MAX...
What? I'm a geek! If you take away free video games and girlie pictures, what does that leave me? Snacks alone? I'll be dead in a week!
AH, YOU HAVE A POINT...ALTHOUGH WHAT A WEEK IT WOULD BE...POINT
Damn it Fark! Start sucking! I'm only one site away from...
Ah, a guide to LARP (live action roleplay)...I feel much safer now...
Girlscouts on Meth. Funny, but no...
Prison cats on decline. Prison cats? In that same vein, there's 'family' prison cells for people in Spain who want their families to live with them. Seriously.
Heroic dogs...robbery on billionaire's home...Batmoblie for sale...evolution Sunday...Obama is running for president...didn't he do that already? I thought that was a given? No surprise there...
Puns...puns...giant wang sculpture...fear of grannies...
Most heroic wedding picture you'll see all day? A soldier's wedding photo? Why's that...
Dear God.
Oh.
Ouch.
Uh.
Wow.
Wait...it continues onto her gallery of other photos of wounded war veterans and...
Oh.
Oh god.
IS THAT A SMALL TEAR I SEE, MAX?
No.
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS...
*SNIFF*
WAIT! IS HE...
*RAISES HAND*
IS HE?!!!
*TAPS OUT*
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 1
OH MAX, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT THINGS ON THE INTERNET? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? YOU JUST CLICK ON YOUR E-MAIL...WHICH IS MOSTLY SPAM...AND THEN GO.
Well perhaps you're...NO! NO, I CANNOT! For I have challenged the internet and I must follow through!
I claimed Fark was little more than a load of brainless work-alternatives, but it proved me wrong.
Fark.com is like panning for Gold AFTER the big rush began. You're not going to get too much reward for your trouble, but as long as you're easily entertained, you'll have quite a bit of fun at Fark, and possibly find a heart touching moment, or better yet, some partial nudity to boot!
Well met, Fark. Well met.
*Slaps self in the face twice*
I gotta keep psyched up! Next time...it's Google Image's turn!
So, if Frank, or anyone, wants to challenge me they'll have to make their own website or something. Either that or Rock-Paper-Scissors. I'm good either way.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 3
CHALLENGE 3: WWW.FARK.COM
Who needs CNN when you've got the highlights of Stuff magazine, work safe girlie pictures, that thing that guy heard, pictures of surprised owls, breaking hearsay, and everything else www.somethingawful.com throws away!
Who? Those of us who get bored by actual news sites, that's who!
Still, they probably deserve a good jab or two, so here we go.
Fark isn't necessarily a bad site, as it provides breaking news from many sources, but do we really need to know these tidbits, especially since we have to fish through mounds of barely organized crappy links to get to them? Let's find out!
The judge has approved my challenge for Fark, which is to check Fark's posts over the previous two days to see if I can find three links that are genuinely either informative or entertaining (that I wasn't already aware of through other sources), with the added stipulation that any links that don't work because of the massive amount of viewers (AKA: Farked) do not count. If Fark can provide three worthy links in two days, they win. If they can't, I do a little dance.
Let's go surfing!
Dogs banned from capital building. Okay.
Photoshop this cellar door...uh...no.
Protest over teacher's erotic vampire website. Is she hot? Checking...quite...but no link to the afore mentioned erotic vampire website, so I feel slightly cheated.
Blah, blah, blah dollar coins...OOOOO! Stop the presses! There's been a Calendar misprint! How will we ever know when it stops being May the 28th?
Uh...Boston light brite joke...blah, blah, blah, pot growers, blah, blah, blah, Welsh pub meets in church...
Oh wait, here's an interesting one. Apparently Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit centers to help fight crime and terror. The catch? Nobody's watching them. Yup, they just sit there and record on their own, but apparently nobody's really keeping track of them either. The link goes on to describe a robbery that occurred right in front of the cameras, but the police didn't get around to checking the tapes in time, and they got copied over.
Guy: "Mr. Officer, do you have my robbery on videotape?"
Officer: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I copied over it with adult swim last night."
Guy: "Oh..."
Officer: "Dude, did you see the new show, Saul of the Mole Men?"
Guy: "No, I was getting robbed."
Officer: "Dude, it was hilarious!"
Well that was a good use of taxpayer money. The cameras copied the crime and it just got copied over, Phoenix Wright style (those of you who don't know what I'm referring to are either suffering from 'haven't-played-the-most-awesome-game-on-the-DS-syndrome' or are still stuck on the fourth damn case).
I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THAT FARK DIDN'T MAKE A MOONINITE JOKE. POINT FOR FARK.
Hmm...well, back at it...
Dang! Two links down and we find a really fun side-scrolling adventure flash game called 'Millie and the Lost Sword' with an amusing, anti-WOW/online gaming theme to it, and the advertisement on the side of the screen has a hot girl in a thong on it.
Could a guy ask for more?
OH MAX...
What? I'm a geek! If you take away free video games and girlie pictures, what does that leave me? Snacks alone? I'll be dead in a week!
AH, YOU HAVE A POINT...ALTHOUGH WHAT A WEEK IT WOULD BE...POINT
Damn it Fark! Start sucking! I'm only one site away from...
Ah, a guide to LARP (live action roleplay)...I feel much safer now...
Girlscouts on Meth. Funny, but no...
Prison cats on decline. Prison cats? In that same vein, there's 'family' prison cells for people in Spain who want their families to live with them. Seriously.
Heroic dogs...robbery on billionaire's home...Batmoblie for sale...evolution Sunday...Obama is running for president...didn't he do that already? I thought that was a given? No surprise there...
Puns...puns...giant wang sculpture...fear of grannies...
Most heroic wedding picture you'll see all day? A soldier's wedding photo? Why's that...
Dear God.
Oh.
Ouch.
Uh.
Wow.
Wait...it continues onto her gallery of other photos of wounded war veterans and...
Oh.
Oh god.
IS THAT A SMALL TEAR I SEE, MAX?
No.
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS...
*SNIFF*
WAIT! IS HE...
*RAISES HAND*
IS HE?!!!
*TAPS OUT*
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 1
OH MAX, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT THINGS ON THE INTERNET? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? YOU JUST CLICK ON YOUR E-MAIL...WHICH IS MOSTLY SPAM...AND THEN GO.
Well perhaps you're...NO! NO, I CANNOT! For I have challenged the internet and I must follow through!
I claimed Fark was little more than a load of brainless work-alternatives, but it proved me wrong.
Fark.com is like panning for Gold AFTER the big rush began. You're not going to get too much reward for your trouble, but as long as you're easily entertained, you'll have quite a bit of fun at Fark, and possibly find a heart touching moment, or better yet, some partial nudity to boot!
Well met, Fark. Well met.
*Slaps self in the face twice*
I gotta keep psyched up! Next time...it's Google Image's turn!
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Let's go shopping!
Or better yet, let's offer a price for an item we won't get for two weeks, if we get it at all. Man, those two weeks of waiting, hoping the seller on the opposite side of the planet hasn't just ripped us off, will be so worth the $2.13 we saved on that Ninja Turtles DVD!
For some reason, some people consider this superior to flea markets and garage sales. Sure, you're more likely to find something specific and obscure you're looking for, but in order to immediately find the same item at a similar price, you'd have to do something ridiculously drastic, like straining your fingers to type the words www.half.com, and I wouldn't want to put your precious fingers to that much work.
Honestly, half.com is superior to ebay in every conceivable way. You see an item you like, organized by quality of product, you purchase it and they send it to you.
Of course you can't get gift items, decorations and toys through half.com, but gift items are easily found at the store, decorations often break when mailed, and toys for adults is just sad.
Okay, I admit it, I recently picked up some Battlebots toys over Ebay, and it's sad, pathetic and I was ashamed to be a part of the transaction. Let's just move on to the competition.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 2: Ebay
For this event, under the supervision of the judge, I'm going to select three items that I recently purchased at a flea market and see if I can find the same items in the recent finished Ebay American auctions for less money. To be fair, since I had to drive to the auction, I'm going to waive up to a $4 shipping and handling charge (anything higher is ridiculous, and they're just adding to their profits).
If I could have gotten the items for the same price or cheaper right around the corner, then the point goes to me. If I could have honestly saved money through Ebay, the point goes to them. Winner is best out of three....
Half.com doesn't count, because I have no beef with them. After reading this gloriously epic blog, I suggest shopping there and saving some money.
FIGHT!
My choices are:
Castlevania Lament of Innocence (PS2, Good condition, disc only): $3
WWF: Betrayal (Color Gameboy): $8
Star Wars Monopoly, Pokemon Monopoly, and Atmosfear (Bundle): $10
I picked up the Castlevania PS2 game for a mere pittance because it had no instructions and was in a generic case. There didn't appear to be any damage on the CD and the guy only wanted $3. The game itself was generic, repetitive and boring, but it was worth giving a try. I later brought it to a game store as a trade-in, and got $4 for it, giving me a dollar for playing it. That seemed about right.
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: $2.75, with a shipping cost of $5.55. Net price: $4.30
POINT FOR MAX, WHO WAS TECHNICALLY PAID TO PLAY THIS GAME.
Hoody-hoo! That poor sucker actually had to pay thirty cents to play Lament of Innocence.
My condolences to his family.
Next up...a little background information. Even people that follow video games and wrestling are probably shrugging and scratching their heads after I mentioned WWF: Betrayal. This game was buried by the WWF almost as deeply as Atari buried ET.
This game is nothing short of horrible. First, it's not a wrestling game. It's actually a WWF themed fighting game, similar to Final Fight, only without the depth and charm. You play as one of four WWF wrestlers: Stone Cold, Undertaker (calm down, it's the lame 'Biker' version and he's no taller than any of the other characters), Triple H and the Rock. To give them credit, the characters actually look different and unique, but that's the only thing unique about them. All they do is punch, kick, dropkick and do their finisher. Repeat this about a thousand times and you have the game. Leaders? The other three characters.
This game was swept off the shelves and into the garbage so fast it took me forever to find a copy, and it cost eight bucks, mostly because it's kind of rare. I revel in their shameful game in the same way I love MST3K movies. This is the kind of game you heckle in a group. I don't believe I'll be able to resell it. Let's see if Ebay can prove me wrong...
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: only comes up once recently, and was never sold!
Judges?
HOW MUCH COULD YOU HAVE PURCHASED IT FOR ON EBAY?
...$6.99, with $5.00 shipping. Net price: $7.99...aw man...they beat me by a penny.
POINT FOR EBAY! ALTHOUGH ANYONE WHO BOUGHT THIS GAME IS TECHNICALLY A LOSER.
Dang! I better avoid another 'Paul Bunyan' like defeat, because it's time for the final round!
Now, for this one I paid a flat $10 for three cool games, but finding them together will be impossible, so instead the Judge has instructed me to find each of the games independently, allowing up to $6 shipping for each (shipping boardgames is admittedly more difficult, and this seems to be the average), and give the total of the best prices for each.
Star Wars Monopoly: the name of the game says it all. Vinny liked it so much, I let him keep it.
Pokemon Monopoly: like the original only you can steal property with doubles. Very good.
Atmosfear: The Gate Keeper instructs you to lose half your keys and play this awesome game!
Ebay?
Star Wars Monopoly: $1.04, with $8.00 shipping
Pokemon Monopoly: $4.99, with $5.95 shipping
Atmosfear: $3.24, with $8.00 shipping
Grand total...
Wait for it...
$13.27!
MAX, YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR VICTORY DANCE.
Left to right! Right to left! Everybody's singin', jumping around!
Back and forth, with the mass!
Melody is coming from Capoeira!
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 0
Next up: Google Image search. Will my power trip continue? Stay tuned....
Or better yet, let's offer a price for an item we won't get for two weeks, if we get it at all. Man, those two weeks of waiting, hoping the seller on the opposite side of the planet hasn't just ripped us off, will be so worth the $2.13 we saved on that Ninja Turtles DVD!
For some reason, some people consider this superior to flea markets and garage sales. Sure, you're more likely to find something specific and obscure you're looking for, but in order to immediately find the same item at a similar price, you'd have to do something ridiculously drastic, like straining your fingers to type the words www.half.com, and I wouldn't want to put your precious fingers to that much work.
Honestly, half.com is superior to ebay in every conceivable way. You see an item you like, organized by quality of product, you purchase it and they send it to you.
Of course you can't get gift items, decorations and toys through half.com, but gift items are easily found at the store, decorations often break when mailed, and toys for adults is just sad.
Okay, I admit it, I recently picked up some Battlebots toys over Ebay, and it's sad, pathetic and I was ashamed to be a part of the transaction. Let's just move on to the competition.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 2: Ebay
For this event, under the supervision of the judge, I'm going to select three items that I recently purchased at a flea market and see if I can find the same items in the recent finished Ebay American auctions for less money. To be fair, since I had to drive to the auction, I'm going to waive up to a $4 shipping and handling charge (anything higher is ridiculous, and they're just adding to their profits).
If I could have gotten the items for the same price or cheaper right around the corner, then the point goes to me. If I could have honestly saved money through Ebay, the point goes to them. Winner is best out of three....
Half.com doesn't count, because I have no beef with them. After reading this gloriously epic blog, I suggest shopping there and saving some money.
FIGHT!
My choices are:
Castlevania Lament of Innocence (PS2, Good condition, disc only): $3
WWF: Betrayal (Color Gameboy): $8
Star Wars Monopoly, Pokemon Monopoly, and Atmosfear (Bundle): $10
I picked up the Castlevania PS2 game for a mere pittance because it had no instructions and was in a generic case. There didn't appear to be any damage on the CD and the guy only wanted $3. The game itself was generic, repetitive and boring, but it was worth giving a try. I later brought it to a game store as a trade-in, and got $4 for it, giving me a dollar for playing it. That seemed about right.
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: $2.75, with a shipping cost of $5.55. Net price: $4.30
POINT FOR MAX, WHO WAS TECHNICALLY PAID TO PLAY THIS GAME.
Hoody-hoo! That poor sucker actually had to pay thirty cents to play Lament of Innocence.
My condolences to his family.
Next up...a little background information. Even people that follow video games and wrestling are probably shrugging and scratching their heads after I mentioned WWF: Betrayal. This game was buried by the WWF almost as deeply as Atari buried ET.
This game is nothing short of horrible. First, it's not a wrestling game. It's actually a WWF themed fighting game, similar to Final Fight, only without the depth and charm. You play as one of four WWF wrestlers: Stone Cold, Undertaker (calm down, it's the lame 'Biker' version and he's no taller than any of the other characters), Triple H and the Rock. To give them credit, the characters actually look different and unique, but that's the only thing unique about them. All they do is punch, kick, dropkick and do their finisher. Repeat this about a thousand times and you have the game. Leaders? The other three characters.
This game was swept off the shelves and into the garbage so fast it took me forever to find a copy, and it cost eight bucks, mostly because it's kind of rare. I revel in their shameful game in the same way I love MST3K movies. This is the kind of game you heckle in a group. I don't believe I'll be able to resell it. Let's see if Ebay can prove me wrong...
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: only comes up once recently, and was never sold!
Judges?
HOW MUCH COULD YOU HAVE PURCHASED IT FOR ON EBAY?
...$6.99, with $5.00 shipping. Net price: $7.99...aw man...they beat me by a penny.
POINT FOR EBAY! ALTHOUGH ANYONE WHO BOUGHT THIS GAME IS TECHNICALLY A LOSER.
Dang! I better avoid another 'Paul Bunyan' like defeat, because it's time for the final round!
Now, for this one I paid a flat $10 for three cool games, but finding them together will be impossible, so instead the Judge has instructed me to find each of the games independently, allowing up to $6 shipping for each (shipping boardgames is admittedly more difficult, and this seems to be the average), and give the total of the best prices for each.
Star Wars Monopoly: the name of the game says it all. Vinny liked it so much, I let him keep it.
Pokemon Monopoly: like the original only you can steal property with doubles. Very good.
Atmosfear: The Gate Keeper instructs you to lose half your keys and play this awesome game!
Ebay?
Star Wars Monopoly: $1.04, with $8.00 shipping
Pokemon Monopoly: $4.99, with $5.95 shipping
Atmosfear: $3.24, with $8.00 shipping
Grand total...
Wait for it...
$13.27!
MAX, YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR VICTORY DANCE.
Left to right! Right to left! Everybody's singin', jumping around!
Back and forth, with the mass!
Melody is coming from Capoeira!
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 0
Next up: Google Image search. Will my power trip continue? Stay tuned....
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Ah, the internet.
It's hard to imagine life without it, doesn't it? Merely a decade and a half ago, we'd have to leave the house and actually do something with our lives, but no more.
Now the entire world is conveniently laid before us, and we can take all the time we like to fully explore all the amazing and wonderful...
The internet sucks.
There, I said it.
No, move those flaming fingertips away from the keyboard, and hear me out. I'm not complaining about the concept or the execution, but the content. Sure, the convenience is amazing, but besides being incredibly immediate, is there anything the internet is really good for?
Okay, there's that, but what about for the other 23 hours, 45 minutes of the day?
Shopping? You've conveniently avoided a short drive and all you had to do was wait two weeks and pay five bucks shipping.
Information? College professors know about wiki, and half of the other sites are lying in order to get your vote/worship/attention/money/honest opinion on the quality of their erotic slash fanfic.
Human interaction? DOOOOOD! WANNA CYBER?!!! U HAWT! I GOT HUGE 3====>
Gaming? Your opponent is a South Korean 12 year old that does nothing but play the game for 20 hours a day. Have fun.
No, I've had it! The internet is one of the greatest inventions ever made and we've reduced it little more than an ad spewing porn vehicle!
What can I do? I'M GOING TO TAKE ON THE INTERNET!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET
This is a battle so complicated that it's going to take several posts to update as the competition continues.
I'm going to challenge nine websites to battles so cunning that those websites won't even realize that they're being challenged by me, in any way shape or form, to battles of my own choosing with Amber as the impartial judge!
Now, I'm not 'pretentious' enough to claim I'm superior to the internet as a whole (I'm pretentious enough to use the word pretentious, sure, but not enough to claim I'm superior to the internet as a whole), but DAMN IT, I need to do something!
Specifically, I need to claim that I'm superior to the internet as a whole!
TO THE ARENA!
CHALLENGE #1: IMDB
Ah, internet movie database. You cow.
You're supposed to be the ultimate movie/television website and you're abbreviating database as if it's two words. Yeah, that doesn't really mean anything, but I'm a geek, it's what I've got.
I've conferred with the judge, and she's agreed that I should name three movies/television shows that I believe I know more information about than the IMDB does, and we'll compare (should be a good match because I don't know a lot of nitpicky small things like years of production, director names, actor names or correct spellings of the titles, but I know enough to give this overbloated site a run for its money!).
If it seems unfair that I get to choose the movies, keep in mind that all this information is off the top of my head, and IMDB had a virtually unlimited amount of time on their hands to put there site together. I'm not saying they 'couldn't' have made a better website. I'm saying they just 'didn't'.
My choices are: Dr. Alien (the comedy skin flick), My Pet Monster (the direct to video kids movie), and God Told Me To (THINGIES!). Winner will be decided best of three.
Dr. Alien is a very stupid skin flick which I only remember because I watched it when a large amount of skin meant something in a movie (before the internet...yes, I've already surrendered that point!).
In it, a young loser is seduced by his female alien teacher after she injects him with a mysterious drug that makes him grow a tube out of his head (looks exactly like something you'd see on a Snork). This tube, for some reason, isn't seen as strange by other people. In fact, it makes all women fall madly, passionately in love with him for as long as it takes to have sex with him, and then it wears off and they leave.
For some reason that I can't even begin to comprehend, our hero sees something wrong with this, even though it leads to him sleeping with his enemy's girlfriend, the hottest girl in school. This leads to a hilarious scene where the sidekick sees the girl leave a closet, partially dressed, and then he sees the hero leave, stunned.
SIDEKICK: "Wait, did you and her just..."
HERO: *NODS*
SIDEKICK: *PUMPS FIST* "HOLY SHIT!!! Wait! Is it true what they say about..."
HERO: *NODS*
SIDEKICK: *PUMPS FIST* "HOLY SHIT!!!"
The hero finally gives into temptation, but all the random, unprotected sex is annoying his girlfriend slightly, so he gives it up, leading his hot alien teacher to reveal that she is an alien, and has an admittedly cool giant blue Roswell alien head, leading our hero to slightly regret 'hitting that'. The alien then reveals that the her planet needs someone injected with the serum to help repopulate it(kind of a reverse 'Mars Needs Women' thing).
The serum is lost, but the alien's human sidekick took it in order to try to win her heart, so they go off to repopulate the planet, which they could have done at the beginning, but what the hell, it's a stupid skin movie.
Your move, IMDB.
DR. Alien (1989)
Average rating: 2.5/10
PLOT OUTLINE: Dr. Ackerman, the biology teacher at the local college, meets with an untimely demise when chased by a UFO. Wesley, one of his students, is having trouble attracting women. That all changes when bombshell Ms. Xenobia takes over Ackerman's class and persuades Wesley to participate in some vitamin research she and her assistant Drax are conducting. Suddenly Wesley has become very desirable, despite the fleshy antenna that grows out of his head during excitement. His newfound success threatens to alienate the girl he really cares about (Leeanne), and Xenobia's motives may have something to do with the fact that she is not of this earth.
Apparently the Alien is Judy Landers, and that's someone we're supposed to know, judging by the attention the site gives to that fact. I'll click on her name and get shown to her page on the site which reveals she's...absolutely nobody. Cameos on television. I can see why that's important.
Apparently the alternate name for the movie is "I Was A Teenage Sex Maniac"
90 minutes, color
One quote:
Wesley: You stay away from me. You are not of this earth!
Xenobia: Wesley, you say that as if it were a negative thing.
There's one user comment, going on about how hot Judy Landers is, and how pissed off he is that she doesn't get naked.
In my opinion, I could've gotten more information from looking at the video box.
Judges?
POINT FOR MAX, FOR REMEMBERING THE ONLY GOOD LINE IN THE MOVIE, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. VERY VERY ASHAMED.
Thanks Amby! I'm up 1-0, so let's go to "God Told Me To".
The main character looks exactly like Judd Hirsch from 'Taxi' and he's obsessed with religion, so much that he goes to church every day of the week, which has alienated his wife, to say the least. He's an investigator looking into many recent, seemingly unconnected murders where the murderer claims they were told by god to kill those people. These people act with an incredible divine zealousness that leads them to kill even their own families.
Long story short, it turns out that all these people have met this single golden glowing hermaphrodite who turns out to be the product of an alien and human interbreeding. Hold on, it gets better. It turns out our hero is ALSO a half-alien (he took more after his mother, so he looks human), and, get this, it insinuates that Jesus was also one of these half-aliens.
Yeah.
They actually show the scenes where the women floating in mid-air inside the large alien machine where a small worm-like thing flies inside the woman's...well, you know...thingy...and that's not all!
*I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR DESCRIBING THIS*
They have a close-up of a prop 'thingy' that the worm-thing flies into. Yes, they show that. I admit, they never went that far on the Muppets.
You know, someone actually had to request that from the prop guys.
PROP GUY: "YOU WANT ME TO MAKE WHAT?!!!"
So anyway, it gets even worse, but I'm not going there. Needless to say, the hero uses his powers to kill his evil half-sibling and then he gets arrested for murder. What does he say the motive was? "God told me to."
I want to punch this movie.
IMDB:
GOD TOLD ME TO (1976)
Tagline: "Conceived In A HELL Beyond Our GALAXY Destined To Rule Our World!"
Summary: The storyline of this movie involves a series of motiveless murders committed by various New York residents: a sniper shoots people from a water tower; a father murders his entire family; and a cop (Andy Kaufman) opens fire during a...
Wait, Andy Kaufman?!!! How the hell did I not realize that was Andy Kaufman? That would have made the perfect Taxi reference! I could have said something along the lines of "Alex is finally tossing Latka off a building. I think we all knew this day would come."
How could I miss that?!
INDEED! MAX IS DISQUALIFIED FOR NOT CATCHING A PRICELESS CAMEO, LIKE A TRUE MOVIE GEEK SHOULD!
Dang, we're tied up 1-1. It's time to go to the final test: 'My Pet Monster' the direct to video failed TV pilot, based on the popular stuffed toy!
Our main character is just your average perpetually hungry fat 80's kid who only gets offered disgusting health food by his mom (there's a funny scene where his sister accepts the health shake and casually dumps it into a house plant on her way out). He instead just goes hungry in the traditional 'fat kid in a kid's movie' style, and when he's at the museum, he encounters two scary monster statues. A weird magic aura leaves the smaller of the two statues (which happens to look exactly like the 'My Pet Monster' monster), and after that, every time he gets really hungry, he turns into a large, gorilla sized version of the My Pet Monster monster (a guy in a mascot-like suit).
There's some predictable kid movie hijinks where they starve the fat kid (always fun) in order to get him to change into the monster, culminating in a dog show where they somehow pass him off as a dog. In the ending, the villain of the movie (who figures out their secret) successfully gains the power of the other monster statue, only we never see him transform.
This special appealed to me when I was a kid, for some reason (probably because the main character is named Max), even though I didn't have a My Pet Monster, didn't want one, and didn't fail to notice that the show had absolutely nothing to do with the My Pet Monster toys.
The premise of the toy is you have a pet monster. The show practically writes itself! A young, funny kid has a hidden monster that gets into all kinds of mischief in his house, but the kid's not going to give him up because he knows that if he doesn't keep the monster chained up in his closet, it'll break free and hunt down all of his enemies, bringing their severed heads back as gifts for his sworn master.
I sure would have watched that when I was eight! Wouldn't you?
But no, they took 'My Pet Monster' and made it into a kiddie werewolf story. What the hell?
IMDB:
MY PET MONSTER (1986)
No picture.
Plot Outline (in its entirety): Max is transformed into a monster when exposed to a statue.
Country: Canada (should have known...go check out 'The Hooded Fang' and see what I mean)
One user comment (in its entirety):
10/10 stars
"Haven't seen the film in a very long time, so can't really remember too much about it, but I can remember that this is a classic not to be missed.
Growing up this film was one of my favourites, I even had a stuffed toy of the monster, although isn't quite the quality it was originally after using it as an object to replicate certain wrestling moves (I'm past that now).
I don't think much has to be said about this film other than it is GREAT.
If you have never seen this, go out and get it now!"
That's it.
Judges?
YEAH, MAX WINS
Booya!!!!!!!!!!
MAX: 1, INTERNET: 0
Internet Movie Database, I have three messages for you:
1. If you had nearly as much information on movies as you do on countless worthless actors, you would have won this competition.
2. Database is one word. Yeah, I'm still milking that.
3. I JUST KICKED YOUR ASS!!!
Look out Ebay! So long Netflix! Better notify your next of kin, My-Space...
BECAUSE THE BATTLE'S MERELY BEGUN!
It's hard to imagine life without it, doesn't it? Merely a decade and a half ago, we'd have to leave the house and actually do something with our lives, but no more.
Now the entire world is conveniently laid before us, and we can take all the time we like to fully explore all the amazing and wonderful...
The internet sucks.
There, I said it.
No, move those flaming fingertips away from the keyboard, and hear me out. I'm not complaining about the concept or the execution, but the content. Sure, the convenience is amazing, but besides being incredibly immediate, is there anything the internet is really good for?
Okay, there's that, but what about for the other 23 hours, 45 minutes of the day?
Shopping? You've conveniently avoided a short drive and all you had to do was wait two weeks and pay five bucks shipping.
Information? College professors know about wiki, and half of the other sites are lying in order to get your vote/worship/attention/money/honest opinion on the quality of their erotic slash fanfic.
Human interaction? DOOOOOD! WANNA CYBER?!!! U HAWT! I GOT HUGE 3====>
Gaming? Your opponent is a South Korean 12 year old that does nothing but play the game for 20 hours a day. Have fun.
No, I've had it! The internet is one of the greatest inventions ever made and we've reduced it little more than an ad spewing porn vehicle!
What can I do? I'M GOING TO TAKE ON THE INTERNET!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET
This is a battle so complicated that it's going to take several posts to update as the competition continues.
I'm going to challenge nine websites to battles so cunning that those websites won't even realize that they're being challenged by me, in any way shape or form, to battles of my own choosing with Amber as the impartial judge!
Now, I'm not 'pretentious' enough to claim I'm superior to the internet as a whole (I'm pretentious enough to use the word pretentious, sure, but not enough to claim I'm superior to the internet as a whole), but DAMN IT, I need to do something!
Specifically, I need to claim that I'm superior to the internet as a whole!
TO THE ARENA!
CHALLENGE #1: IMDB
Ah, internet movie database. You cow.
You're supposed to be the ultimate movie/television website and you're abbreviating database as if it's two words. Yeah, that doesn't really mean anything, but I'm a geek, it's what I've got.
I've conferred with the judge, and she's agreed that I should name three movies/television shows that I believe I know more information about than the IMDB does, and we'll compare (should be a good match because I don't know a lot of nitpicky small things like years of production, director names, actor names or correct spellings of the titles, but I know enough to give this overbloated site a run for its money!).
If it seems unfair that I get to choose the movies, keep in mind that all this information is off the top of my head, and IMDB had a virtually unlimited amount of time on their hands to put there site together. I'm not saying they 'couldn't' have made a better website. I'm saying they just 'didn't'.
My choices are: Dr. Alien (the comedy skin flick), My Pet Monster (the direct to video kids movie), and God Told Me To (THINGIES!). Winner will be decided best of three.
Dr. Alien is a very stupid skin flick which I only remember because I watched it when a large amount of skin meant something in a movie (before the internet...yes, I've already surrendered that point!).
In it, a young loser is seduced by his female alien teacher after she injects him with a mysterious drug that makes him grow a tube out of his head (looks exactly like something you'd see on a Snork). This tube, for some reason, isn't seen as strange by other people. In fact, it makes all women fall madly, passionately in love with him for as long as it takes to have sex with him, and then it wears off and they leave.
For some reason that I can't even begin to comprehend, our hero sees something wrong with this, even though it leads to him sleeping with his enemy's girlfriend, the hottest girl in school. This leads to a hilarious scene where the sidekick sees the girl leave a closet, partially dressed, and then he sees the hero leave, stunned.
SIDEKICK: "Wait, did you and her just..."
HERO: *NODS*
SIDEKICK: *PUMPS FIST* "HOLY SHIT!!! Wait! Is it true what they say about..."
HERO: *NODS*
SIDEKICK: *PUMPS FIST* "HOLY SHIT!!!"
The hero finally gives into temptation, but all the random, unprotected sex is annoying his girlfriend slightly, so he gives it up, leading his hot alien teacher to reveal that she is an alien, and has an admittedly cool giant blue Roswell alien head, leading our hero to slightly regret 'hitting that'. The alien then reveals that the her planet needs someone injected with the serum to help repopulate it(kind of a reverse 'Mars Needs Women' thing).
The serum is lost, but the alien's human sidekick took it in order to try to win her heart, so they go off to repopulate the planet, which they could have done at the beginning, but what the hell, it's a stupid skin movie.
Your move, IMDB.
DR. Alien (1989)
Average rating: 2.5/10
PLOT OUTLINE: Dr. Ackerman, the biology teacher at the local college, meets with an untimely demise when chased by a UFO. Wesley, one of his students, is having trouble attracting women. That all changes when bombshell Ms. Xenobia takes over Ackerman's class and persuades Wesley to participate in some vitamin research she and her assistant Drax are conducting. Suddenly Wesley has become very desirable, despite the fleshy antenna that grows out of his head during excitement. His newfound success threatens to alienate the girl he really cares about (Leeanne), and Xenobia's motives may have something to do with the fact that she is not of this earth.
Apparently the Alien is Judy Landers, and that's someone we're supposed to know, judging by the attention the site gives to that fact. I'll click on her name and get shown to her page on the site which reveals she's...absolutely nobody. Cameos on television. I can see why that's important.
Apparently the alternate name for the movie is "I Was A Teenage Sex Maniac"
90 minutes, color
One quote:
Wesley: You stay away from me. You are not of this earth!
Xenobia: Wesley, you say that as if it were a negative thing.
There's one user comment, going on about how hot Judy Landers is, and how pissed off he is that she doesn't get naked.
In my opinion, I could've gotten more information from looking at the video box.
Judges?
POINT FOR MAX, FOR REMEMBERING THE ONLY GOOD LINE IN THE MOVIE, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. VERY VERY ASHAMED.
Thanks Amby! I'm up 1-0, so let's go to "God Told Me To".
The main character looks exactly like Judd Hirsch from 'Taxi' and he's obsessed with religion, so much that he goes to church every day of the week, which has alienated his wife, to say the least. He's an investigator looking into many recent, seemingly unconnected murders where the murderer claims they were told by god to kill those people. These people act with an incredible divine zealousness that leads them to kill even their own families.
Long story short, it turns out that all these people have met this single golden glowing hermaphrodite who turns out to be the product of an alien and human interbreeding. Hold on, it gets better. It turns out our hero is ALSO a half-alien (he took more after his mother, so he looks human), and, get this, it insinuates that Jesus was also one of these half-aliens.
Yeah.
They actually show the scenes where the women floating in mid-air inside the large alien machine where a small worm-like thing flies inside the woman's...well, you know...thingy...and that's not all!
*I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR DESCRIBING THIS*
They have a close-up of a prop 'thingy' that the worm-thing flies into. Yes, they show that. I admit, they never went that far on the Muppets.
You know, someone actually had to request that from the prop guys.
PROP GUY: "YOU WANT ME TO MAKE WHAT?!!!"
So anyway, it gets even worse, but I'm not going there. Needless to say, the hero uses his powers to kill his evil half-sibling and then he gets arrested for murder. What does he say the motive was? "God told me to."
I want to punch this movie.
IMDB:
GOD TOLD ME TO (1976)
Tagline: "Conceived In A HELL Beyond Our GALAXY Destined To Rule Our World!"
Summary: The storyline of this movie involves a series of motiveless murders committed by various New York residents: a sniper shoots people from a water tower; a father murders his entire family; and a cop (Andy Kaufman) opens fire during a...
Wait, Andy Kaufman?!!! How the hell did I not realize that was Andy Kaufman? That would have made the perfect Taxi reference! I could have said something along the lines of "Alex is finally tossing Latka off a building. I think we all knew this day would come."
How could I miss that?!
INDEED! MAX IS DISQUALIFIED FOR NOT CATCHING A PRICELESS CAMEO, LIKE A TRUE MOVIE GEEK SHOULD!
Dang, we're tied up 1-1. It's time to go to the final test: 'My Pet Monster' the direct to video failed TV pilot, based on the popular stuffed toy!
Our main character is just your average perpetually hungry fat 80's kid who only gets offered disgusting health food by his mom (there's a funny scene where his sister accepts the health shake and casually dumps it into a house plant on her way out). He instead just goes hungry in the traditional 'fat kid in a kid's movie' style, and when he's at the museum, he encounters two scary monster statues. A weird magic aura leaves the smaller of the two statues (which happens to look exactly like the 'My Pet Monster' monster), and after that, every time he gets really hungry, he turns into a large, gorilla sized version of the My Pet Monster monster (a guy in a mascot-like suit).
There's some predictable kid movie hijinks where they starve the fat kid (always fun) in order to get him to change into the monster, culminating in a dog show where they somehow pass him off as a dog. In the ending, the villain of the movie (who figures out their secret) successfully gains the power of the other monster statue, only we never see him transform.
This special appealed to me when I was a kid, for some reason (probably because the main character is named Max), even though I didn't have a My Pet Monster, didn't want one, and didn't fail to notice that the show had absolutely nothing to do with the My Pet Monster toys.
The premise of the toy is you have a pet monster. The show practically writes itself! A young, funny kid has a hidden monster that gets into all kinds of mischief in his house, but the kid's not going to give him up because he knows that if he doesn't keep the monster chained up in his closet, it'll break free and hunt down all of his enemies, bringing their severed heads back as gifts for his sworn master.
I sure would have watched that when I was eight! Wouldn't you?
But no, they took 'My Pet Monster' and made it into a kiddie werewolf story. What the hell?
IMDB:
MY PET MONSTER (1986)
No picture.
Plot Outline (in its entirety): Max is transformed into a monster when exposed to a statue.
Country: Canada (should have known...go check out 'The Hooded Fang' and see what I mean)
One user comment (in its entirety):
10/10 stars
"Haven't seen the film in a very long time, so can't really remember too much about it, but I can remember that this is a classic not to be missed.
Growing up this film was one of my favourites, I even had a stuffed toy of the monster, although isn't quite the quality it was originally after using it as an object to replicate certain wrestling moves (I'm past that now).
I don't think much has to be said about this film other than it is GREAT.
If you have never seen this, go out and get it now!"
That's it.
Judges?
YEAH, MAX WINS
Booya!!!!!!!!!!
MAX: 1, INTERNET: 0
Internet Movie Database, I have three messages for you:
1. If you had nearly as much information on movies as you do on countless worthless actors, you would have won this competition.
2. Database is one word. Yeah, I'm still milking that.
3. I JUST KICKED YOUR ASS!!!
Look out Ebay! So long Netflix! Better notify your next of kin, My-Space...
BECAUSE THE BATTLE'S MERELY BEGUN!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
BACK!
Whew! You wouldn't believe the sheer amount of data entry I've been doing at my job. By the time the weekend's hit, my hands are ready to strike. Seriously, I had to rush the picket lines to get the blog today, which is tough when you're holding picket signs in both hands.
Jeese! They even flipped my car! (BTW thanks to everyone who came down to help my hands flip my car this week. It wasn't easy, but together...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!)
STEVE'S QUESTION
Q. Is it possible to sneeze with your eyes open?
A. YES!
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
I DID IT!
After weeks of false starts and botched tries, I finally sneezed with an eye open!
Admittedly, it was only one eye, held open with fingers, but still, it counts. If there's any doubt, Amber was present at the moment of glory, there to witness my EYE POPPING RIGHT OUT OF ITS SOCKET!!!
OH GOD!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! WONDER BOY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WAS THIS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG SNUFFY?! WAS IT?!!!
Okay Max.
Calm down.
Of course it's hard to calm down when your left eye is swinging like a pendulum in the breeze, keeping an eye on my laces while I ponder my next move. Huh...shoes are untied. I guess I'll just reach down and...
OH DAMN IT!!! RIGHT AGAINST THE KNEE!
I can't live like this, there's no use even pretending. Sure, the parents didn't say anything, but they were a little distracted by the comics page at the time (apparently, For Better Or For Worse is beginning to heat up, but after several failed attempts, I gave up trying to care).
Gaming went smoothly, thanks to my psychic Dungeon Master hypnotism powers. I was worried for a moment that Vinny noticed something, but I just threw giant monsters at him to distract him. Frank was half blind, and Steve was across the room, too intent on sabotaging his fellow players. Jude almost blew my cover, but she was stoned and bouncing on Vinny's lap, so the coast was clear!
Work was a little strange, I have to admit...
BOSS: "Hey Rob, is everything okay?"
ME: "Oh yeah, why? Is there something wrong?"
BOSS: "Well, I just noticed that you had an eye resting on a wet paper towel next to your keyboard."
ME: "Caught a cold."
BOSS: "Really? Because it looks more like an eyeball blown out of its socket."
ME: "Uh...that's just because I'm sitting down."
BOSS: "Ah, I see. Well, you should probably take the rest of the day off then."
*DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA*
*SWINGS EYEBALL AROUND HEAD*
Stupid ceiling fans.
No, this has to end, I can no longer keep living this lie! Amber, you can stop knitting that vest with the eyeball pouch in it, because I'm going to do something about this!
But who can help me with this? I know! I'll ask that guy who works at the videogame store in the mall! He once had to have an eye temporarily taken out of his socket, using suction while he was unconscious, in order to cut out a tiny injury/rot of some kind. They then put a small patch on it and popped it back in! Oh, and Amber thinks he's hot. (True story) I bet he'll know what to do!
ME: "Hey dude! I was wondering..."
HIM: "DEAR GOD!"
ME: "What? Do I have something on my..."
HIM: "YOUR EYE!"
ME: "Oh yeah."
HIM: "WHAT THE HELL?!"
ME: "Well, that's what I came to talk about actually."
HIM: "I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL?!!!"
ME: "Do you have any advice?"
HIM: *Dials 911*
ME: *Snaps fingers*
Man, do I feel silly for not thinking of that earlier! The paramedics were so polite and they even wheeled me around for everything too!
As a final, wonderful cherry on top, thanks to the incredible amount of drugs shot into me, I was even paid a visit by the spirit of Christmas!
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Max, you have to stop doing shit like this."
ME: "Why's that, Mr. Pagan Santa dude?"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "I'm just saying that it might be better for everything if you..."
ME: "How so?"
S.O.C., NOW WITH MOOSE ANTLERS: "There's just a natural order of things, my boy. You have a mental reflex within your brain that causes you to blink every time you sneeze."
ME: "Gosh."
NOW HE'S PURPLE FOR SOME REASON: "It's there so the various germs that expel out during a sneeze don't get in your eye. Who knows, your friend at the game store might have gotten a germ in his eye from sneezing with an eye open..."
ME: "That doesn't seem..."
BACK TO NORMAL: "Quiet you! Anyway, it's at least possible, and that may have led to his eye getting that infection, and do you know what that leads to?"
ME: "Working in a video game store?"
NOW WITH DUCK ON HEAD: "Exactly, my son. And you don't want to have to sell a minimum number of pre-orders and club card subscriptions, do you?"
ME: "I wouldn't want to talk to those angry customers either..."
NOW HE'S A PENGUIN FOR SOME REASON: "I see that you're getting it now, my boy. But just in case, do you see that other hallucination at the door?"
ME: "The asian bikini model?"
CLASSIC VERSION OF HALLUCINATION: "No my boy, that one."
ME: "The ultra hot nurse who's staring at me?"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "No, that's actually real. You should probably keep your voice down. No, I mean that one!"
ME: "The...goat guy with the pointy stick?"
S.O.C.: "Yes, my boy, and what's that around his feet?"
ME: "Unconscious European children?"
S.O.C.: "And you don't want to end up like them, do you?"
ME: "nosir"
S.O.C.: "Of course not! So wise up, always keep your eyes closed while sneezing, keep your internal monologue internal, and have a very Merry Christmas my boy!
ME: "Wow! Thanks so much Mr. Garcia!"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS IN TIE DIE SHIRT: "My pleasure! Now, if you'll excuse me, your next hallucination is here."
ME: "Oh neat, what is it?"
S.O.C.: "Spiders mostly."
ME: "Spiders?"
S.O.C.: "Those and other various creepy crawly insects, including those weird flying beetles you only get by your house. Man, they look angry too!"
ME: "Uh..."
S.O.C.: "Well, best of..."
ME: "WAIT! WHY NOT HANG AROUND FOR AWHILE?"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Well, I'm kind of busy..."
ME: "Look! The Price is Right just came on!"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, NOW IN SUIT WITH MICROPHONE: "Well...okay then, I'll stick around for a few segments."
ME: *WHEW!*
S.O.C.: "But then it's right to the horrifying hallucinations."
ME: "Oh well, best make the most of it then! Come on in Torgo! Enjoy the show! Any last message to the world out there before those rednecks try to guess the price of a DVD player?"
BOB BARKER, IN FESTIVE ATTIRE: "I'd just like to remind everyone not to attempt to sneeze with your eyes open, to have their pets spayed or neutered, and for everyone who isn't a pet or a naughty child to have A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!!!"
Whew! You wouldn't believe the sheer amount of data entry I've been doing at my job. By the time the weekend's hit, my hands are ready to strike. Seriously, I had to rush the picket lines to get the blog today, which is tough when you're holding picket signs in both hands.
Jeese! They even flipped my car! (BTW thanks to everyone who came down to help my hands flip my car this week. It wasn't easy, but together...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!)
STEVE'S QUESTION
Q. Is it possible to sneeze with your eyes open?
A. YES!
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
I DID IT!
After weeks of false starts and botched tries, I finally sneezed with an eye open!
Admittedly, it was only one eye, held open with fingers, but still, it counts. If there's any doubt, Amber was present at the moment of glory, there to witness my EYE POPPING RIGHT OUT OF ITS SOCKET!!!
OH GOD!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! WONDER BOY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WAS THIS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG SNUFFY?! WAS IT?!!!
Okay Max.
Calm down.
Of course it's hard to calm down when your left eye is swinging like a pendulum in the breeze, keeping an eye on my laces while I ponder my next move. Huh...shoes are untied. I guess I'll just reach down and...
OH DAMN IT!!! RIGHT AGAINST THE KNEE!
I can't live like this, there's no use even pretending. Sure, the parents didn't say anything, but they were a little distracted by the comics page at the time (apparently, For Better Or For Worse is beginning to heat up, but after several failed attempts, I gave up trying to care).
Gaming went smoothly, thanks to my psychic Dungeon Master hypnotism powers. I was worried for a moment that Vinny noticed something, but I just threw giant monsters at him to distract him. Frank was half blind, and Steve was across the room, too intent on sabotaging his fellow players. Jude almost blew my cover, but she was stoned and bouncing on Vinny's lap, so the coast was clear!
Work was a little strange, I have to admit...
BOSS: "Hey Rob, is everything okay?"
ME: "Oh yeah, why? Is there something wrong?"
BOSS: "Well, I just noticed that you had an eye resting on a wet paper towel next to your keyboard."
ME: "Caught a cold."
BOSS: "Really? Because it looks more like an eyeball blown out of its socket."
ME: "Uh...that's just because I'm sitting down."
BOSS: "Ah, I see. Well, you should probably take the rest of the day off then."
*DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA*
*SWINGS EYEBALL AROUND HEAD*
Stupid ceiling fans.
No, this has to end, I can no longer keep living this lie! Amber, you can stop knitting that vest with the eyeball pouch in it, because I'm going to do something about this!
But who can help me with this? I know! I'll ask that guy who works at the videogame store in the mall! He once had to have an eye temporarily taken out of his socket, using suction while he was unconscious, in order to cut out a tiny injury/rot of some kind. They then put a small patch on it and popped it back in! Oh, and Amber thinks he's hot. (True story) I bet he'll know what to do!
ME: "Hey dude! I was wondering..."
HIM: "DEAR GOD!"
ME: "What? Do I have something on my..."
HIM: "YOUR EYE!"
ME: "Oh yeah."
HIM: "WHAT THE HELL?!"
ME: "Well, that's what I came to talk about actually."
HIM: "I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL?!!!"
ME: "Do you have any advice?"
HIM: *Dials 911*
ME: *Snaps fingers*
Man, do I feel silly for not thinking of that earlier! The paramedics were so polite and they even wheeled me around for everything too!
As a final, wonderful cherry on top, thanks to the incredible amount of drugs shot into me, I was even paid a visit by the spirit of Christmas!
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Max, you have to stop doing shit like this."
ME: "Why's that, Mr. Pagan Santa dude?"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "I'm just saying that it might be better for everything if you..."
ME: "How so?"
S.O.C., NOW WITH MOOSE ANTLERS: "There's just a natural order of things, my boy. You have a mental reflex within your brain that causes you to blink every time you sneeze."
ME: "Gosh."
NOW HE'S PURPLE FOR SOME REASON: "It's there so the various germs that expel out during a sneeze don't get in your eye. Who knows, your friend at the game store might have gotten a germ in his eye from sneezing with an eye open..."
ME: "That doesn't seem..."
BACK TO NORMAL: "Quiet you! Anyway, it's at least possible, and that may have led to his eye getting that infection, and do you know what that leads to?"
ME: "Working in a video game store?"
NOW WITH DUCK ON HEAD: "Exactly, my son. And you don't want to have to sell a minimum number of pre-orders and club card subscriptions, do you?"
ME: "I wouldn't want to talk to those angry customers either..."
NOW HE'S A PENGUIN FOR SOME REASON: "I see that you're getting it now, my boy. But just in case, do you see that other hallucination at the door?"
ME: "The asian bikini model?"
CLASSIC VERSION OF HALLUCINATION: "No my boy, that one."
ME: "The ultra hot nurse who's staring at me?"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "No, that's actually real. You should probably keep your voice down. No, I mean that one!"
ME: "The...goat guy with the pointy stick?"
S.O.C.: "Yes, my boy, and what's that around his feet?"
ME: "Unconscious European children?"
S.O.C.: "And you don't want to end up like them, do you?"
ME: "nosir"
S.O.C.: "Of course not! So wise up, always keep your eyes closed while sneezing, keep your internal monologue internal, and have a very Merry Christmas my boy!
ME: "Wow! Thanks so much Mr. Garcia!"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS IN TIE DIE SHIRT: "My pleasure! Now, if you'll excuse me, your next hallucination is here."
ME: "Oh neat, what is it?"
S.O.C.: "Spiders mostly."
ME: "Spiders?"
S.O.C.: "Those and other various creepy crawly insects, including those weird flying beetles you only get by your house. Man, they look angry too!"
ME: "Uh..."
S.O.C.: "Well, best of..."
ME: "WAIT! WHY NOT HANG AROUND FOR AWHILE?"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Well, I'm kind of busy..."
ME: "Look! The Price is Right just came on!"
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, NOW IN SUIT WITH MICROPHONE: "Well...okay then, I'll stick around for a few segments."
ME: *WHEW!*
S.O.C.: "But then it's right to the horrifying hallucinations."
ME: "Oh well, best make the most of it then! Come on in Torgo! Enjoy the show! Any last message to the world out there before those rednecks try to guess the price of a DVD player?"
BOB BARKER, IN FESTIVE ATTIRE: "I'd just like to remind everyone not to attempt to sneeze with your eyes open, to have their pets spayed or neutered, and for everyone who isn't a pet or a naughty child to have A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!!!"
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Uh...DAMN IT! I can't remember Steven's question. I remember his first question, but he replaced it with a new one and now I've totally blanked on what it was. Sorry Steve, I'll have to ask again.
CHRISTIAN'S QUESTION
Q. Since the beginning of time, why has man been fascinated by fire?
A. All the humans who weren't fascinated by fire froze to death during the ice age. The humans that genetically had the predisposition to fire, or at least didn't have a strong natural fear of it, used fire to survive. It's simple evolution.
Throughout history, people from all sides have argued that their own culture or race is superior to others, but there's been wide gulfs in their definitions of 'superior' that are often contradictory to logic and natural law. In reality, throughout human history, it has not been natural genetic superiority that has defined who was superior, but invention.
For example, imagine an absolutely perfect superbeing who's afraid of fire. Now imagine a small, pitiful human being, let's say roughly the size of a halfling (a child, for my non-geek readers, if they exist) who likes fire very much. Then the ice age hits. No matter how pitiful, stupid and small that halfling is, he's going to be enjoying a nice hunk of meat by the fire while our super being is enjoying the sensation of losing fingers to frostbite.
This is the core flaw in the philosophy of racists, and more specifically, the Nazis. Not only are they not genetically superior to every other race in the world, but even if they were it wouldn't matter. During World War 2, America was stil capable of producing far more soldiers, vehicles and bombs then the Germans ever could. Man to man, honestly, a Nazi soldier was superior to an American one (mostly because of training and organization). The war wasn't man to man though. It was tank to tank, plane to plane, and when America sent two to face their every one, victory for the Germans wasn't possible. Technology is what mattered, not genetic superiority, which is ironic since Germany had amazing technology. They just didn't have the system that would allow it to be mass produced, or used most effectively.
Our race, as it is now, is here because we were able to adapt to a new environment. The dinosaurs weren't able to adapt. They were mighty and powerful, but given one catastrophe, they're done. Given any amount of time, there's going to be a large catastrophe that redifines life as we know it. For most animals in the world today, the new change is us. The world's changing simply because there's so many human beings living in it at once. Man's success and survival in the future will be based solely on our ability to adapt to change.
Take trains. If we never evolved to the next step in transportation and never moved beyond the steam trains of the 1800's, would we still be using them today? No, we would have run out of wood. As the west was cleared of trees, those trees were used in the construction of train tracks, and because of the exposure to the elements, that wood would have to be replaced every two years or so, far faster then those trees could be grown. In the same fashion, oil is limited and when we run out, it's gone, and all technology based solely on oil will vanish. The strongest biggest, meanest caveman KNEW he was on top of the world and he KNEW he'd never need fire to do it. The cold came, he died, and the world moved on. People can pretend that we're going to have enough resources to last forever, but when we run out (the modern equivalent of the ice age), it's going to be the people who are best able to adapt who will run the world...
God this is dull.
I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the inherent dullness of this answer.
What to do...I know! DEATHALON!!!
THE DEATHALON
Hello sports fans, and welcome to the Deathalon, where we take people and expose them to terrible, horrorible dangers until all but one are dead!
This week we have a special 'evolution edition' where we're taking the supposedly 'superior' versions of man and pitting them against the wrath of nature. For the sake of balance, every version will be outfitted exactly like a caveman. Nice Fred Flinstone look, guys! Hope you weren't expecting shoes!
Contestent number one is the REALLY BIG AND STRONG GUY! This guy's popular in bar fights, prisons, locker rooms, the pre-historic era, and generally anywhere you find guys.
Contestent number two is the PURE BLOODED NOBLE! Just look at his blonde hair, blue eyes, dementia, and wounds that won't heal themselves! Now that's the sure sign of the master race! This guy's popular with the early 1900's, other inbreds, and generally any culture that doesn't understand science that well.
Contestent number three is the REALLY SMART GUY! This guy has an IQ around 200! Will he successfully breed? We'll soon find out! Remember, this person is not necessarily creative, just smart. This guy's popular with the late 1900's, most snobs, and generally anyone who needs to know how to get their goddamn computer to work.
Speak of the devil, contestent number four is the REALLY CREATIVE GUY! Popular with inventors, capitalists and everyone that loves having 'stuff', this guy knows how to put things together!
Contestent number five is the...CHOSEN ONE! He's not particularly...anything really...but he was definitely pre-ordained to be the...one...in all it's oneness! The one is popular with all people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and need to be saved by a second party, and most other sheep.
Contestent number six is...MY FRIEND CHRISTIAN! Welcome to the games Christian! I can see you've already brought some fire for the contest...oh, you were bringing that anyway? Well that's good, because you're THE GUY WHO ISN'T AFRAID OF FIRE! Now, on to the...
*THUD!*
AND THE PURE BLOOD IS OUT! Exactly two and a half seconds before the first event, our genetically pure competitor has succomed to the numerous genetic abnormalities that come with having only one family party each holiday. The festering boils and wounds derived from the hemophilia and dementia induced self neglect probably didn't help either! Despite his supposed blood purity, this monstrosity couldn't even survive in an air conditioned buffet! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, THE PURE BLOODS ARE OUT...and the Harry Potter fans go wild! Yes, sports fans, the Harry Potter fans go wild!
EVENT #1: THE ELEMENTS
It's December, so this won't be completely easy...the creative guy and the intelligent guy are working together to make a hut...and the big guy is stealing the hut away from them! This could be trouble...no, wait...they just went on ahead and made another hut for themselves! What great sports!
The chosen one is standing there, posing...the camera is focused on his grim expression and great hair as it flaps in the wind...and had he been chosen for practical reasons he'd have something to do right now. No...no, he's just standing there...being the one.
Christian isn't doing much besides playing with the fire. It's keeping him warm for now, but he'll need something to burn...
NOW HERE COMES THE COLD! The posing seems to be doing nothing for the Chosen one...
*THUD!*
That's it! Without any good reason for being chosen, the chosen one is little more than a frozen corpse...
*WHOOSH!*
Or should I say tinder?! Christian's making good use of the fallen competitor as we move on to...
EVENT #2: EACH OTHER
Oh I don't know if this will be much of an issue. There seems to be enough to go around for...
AND HERE COME THE LADIES! Specifically, three ladies. Now before my female readers get angry, we're assuming that the guys are going to fight first, and then the women will have their choice of mate. You could easily flip this equation and have women fighting over men if you like. The real issue is which of these competitors is going to be able to mate, regardless of whether they're going to be the mother or father.
The ladies seem to like all the guys, but there's simply not enough for everyone...
...and the big guy's trying to take them all! This is too much even for this group to handle! They're all ganging up on the big guy...and they're going for rocks ladies and gentelmen! No matter how big and strong you are, three guys with rocks...
*WHOOSH!*
...and torches are just too much to handle! Quantity is definitely defeating quality...
*THUD!*
...and another corpse is on the pile! As we can now see, the actual bodies of the competitors seem to be nothing, be they supposedly pure, large, or destined! No, this is coming down to brains, but what about attracting the women? They seem a little put off what with the killing and all, and they're going to have to be charmed again.
The creative guy is composing sonnets, poems, songs and other inventions created solely for the purpose of getting into someone's pants. The women seem to approve!
The smart guy shows how well he can add numbers in his head. The women are indifferent!
Christian has pretty fire. OOOOOOO's and AHHHHHHH's aplently from the mystical fire! The fire is also warm, comforting and will cook their food. Women love men who can cook!
It looks like the ladies are cuddling up with two of our competitors to enjoy some rare mammoth steaks and sonnets read by the fire...AND OUR SMART GUY IS LEFT OUT IN THE COLD!
We'll assume that poor nerd doesn't mate in the frequency of Romeo and Pyro over there, as intelligence really don't matter until technology hits a certain level, and even then there's nothing on a whole about it that helps you mate more often then others.
Now, onto event number...what? No, you guys don't actually get to mate with the women...and I'm telling on you Christian.
EVENT #3: BEARS
BEARS?
*ROAR!*
OH SHIT!
BEARS! RUN!!!
The creative guy is taking my advice and running...which is no good! Ha ha, sucker! You can't outrun a bear. Christian is waving fire at the bear...who doesn't seem to like it at all! Yes, it's keeping it away...and the creative guy has fashioned a spear! He's jabbing at the bear...and the bear snaps it in two like a twig with a rock tied to the end! The creative guy somehow finds the time to fashion a bow and arrow...which is amazing, really...but the bear's already too close! The creative guy needs a plan!
He passes out!
Bears don't attack passed out people right? Looney Tunes wouldn't lie to us, would they?
Sorry creative guy, but this is a brown bear, and brown bears WANT you to stop moving. That means it's supper time!
*CHOMP!*
AND THAT'S IT! The creative guy is eaten! Why? Shouldn't the creative inventor be able to save himself through inventions? Inventions don't erase problems, they change things. You can't invent the bow and arrow in time to save you, it has to already be there, and this in itself would creat new problems. If you create a bow you don't have to worry so much about animals, but then other humans will have bows as well, making everyone less safe. You haven't erased problems, you've just changed what the problems are.
For example, if there was a next event, and thanks to Christian's pyromania there doesn't have to be, it would be to gather enough food. Gathering enough food can be a problem, so you start moving around, which is haphazard at best, so you begin farming and keeping your own animals. All this keeps you in one place so you need protection, so you invent bows. Guys with bows are a problem, so you invent guns. Guys with guns are a problem, so you invent bombs. Guys with bombs are a problem, so you invent missles. Guys with missles are a problem, and you suddenly have to start moving around again in order to be safe.
Fire has helped humanity so much in the past because it works. If it didn't work, we wouldn't use it, and even in pre-historic times, using fire had its consequences, as you have to keep the fire going, gather enough wood and eventually get enough flint together to restart it easily and...
You're just ignoring me and staring at the fire, aren't you Christian?
*Lowers head*
You just want an excuse for your pyromania, don't you?
*Shameful nod*
Well just go right ahead my friend. Fire's saved humanity's bacon on many occassions, and as long as the people who prefer fire live to reproduce the most, it's the way it's going to remain.
Of course, one day it might be the opposite, and all the people who refused to give up fire, combustion, and other ways of turning resources into fuel, may all fade away just like those pyrophobic cavemen...but we're not there yet.
So just go ahead and enjoy yourself. The fish are of the sea, the birds are of the air, but despite what some Wiccan people may try to convince you, humanity is not an animal of the Earth.
Humans are, and always have been, embodied by the flame.
(Just don't burn down Vinny's basement, okay Christian? All my stuff's down there.)
CHRISTIAN'S QUESTION
Q. Since the beginning of time, why has man been fascinated by fire?
A. All the humans who weren't fascinated by fire froze to death during the ice age. The humans that genetically had the predisposition to fire, or at least didn't have a strong natural fear of it, used fire to survive. It's simple evolution.
Throughout history, people from all sides have argued that their own culture or race is superior to others, but there's been wide gulfs in their definitions of 'superior' that are often contradictory to logic and natural law. In reality, throughout human history, it has not been natural genetic superiority that has defined who was superior, but invention.
For example, imagine an absolutely perfect superbeing who's afraid of fire. Now imagine a small, pitiful human being, let's say roughly the size of a halfling (a child, for my non-geek readers, if they exist) who likes fire very much. Then the ice age hits. No matter how pitiful, stupid and small that halfling is, he's going to be enjoying a nice hunk of meat by the fire while our super being is enjoying the sensation of losing fingers to frostbite.
This is the core flaw in the philosophy of racists, and more specifically, the Nazis. Not only are they not genetically superior to every other race in the world, but even if they were it wouldn't matter. During World War 2, America was stil capable of producing far more soldiers, vehicles and bombs then the Germans ever could. Man to man, honestly, a Nazi soldier was superior to an American one (mostly because of training and organization). The war wasn't man to man though. It was tank to tank, plane to plane, and when America sent two to face their every one, victory for the Germans wasn't possible. Technology is what mattered, not genetic superiority, which is ironic since Germany had amazing technology. They just didn't have the system that would allow it to be mass produced, or used most effectively.
Our race, as it is now, is here because we were able to adapt to a new environment. The dinosaurs weren't able to adapt. They were mighty and powerful, but given one catastrophe, they're done. Given any amount of time, there's going to be a large catastrophe that redifines life as we know it. For most animals in the world today, the new change is us. The world's changing simply because there's so many human beings living in it at once. Man's success and survival in the future will be based solely on our ability to adapt to change.
Take trains. If we never evolved to the next step in transportation and never moved beyond the steam trains of the 1800's, would we still be using them today? No, we would have run out of wood. As the west was cleared of trees, those trees were used in the construction of train tracks, and because of the exposure to the elements, that wood would have to be replaced every two years or so, far faster then those trees could be grown. In the same fashion, oil is limited and when we run out, it's gone, and all technology based solely on oil will vanish. The strongest biggest, meanest caveman KNEW he was on top of the world and he KNEW he'd never need fire to do it. The cold came, he died, and the world moved on. People can pretend that we're going to have enough resources to last forever, but when we run out (the modern equivalent of the ice age), it's going to be the people who are best able to adapt who will run the world...
God this is dull.
I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the inherent dullness of this answer.
What to do...I know! DEATHALON!!!
THE DEATHALON
Hello sports fans, and welcome to the Deathalon, where we take people and expose them to terrible, horrorible dangers until all but one are dead!
This week we have a special 'evolution edition' where we're taking the supposedly 'superior' versions of man and pitting them against the wrath of nature. For the sake of balance, every version will be outfitted exactly like a caveman. Nice Fred Flinstone look, guys! Hope you weren't expecting shoes!
Contestent number one is the REALLY BIG AND STRONG GUY! This guy's popular in bar fights, prisons, locker rooms, the pre-historic era, and generally anywhere you find guys.
Contestent number two is the PURE BLOODED NOBLE! Just look at his blonde hair, blue eyes, dementia, and wounds that won't heal themselves! Now that's the sure sign of the master race! This guy's popular with the early 1900's, other inbreds, and generally any culture that doesn't understand science that well.
Contestent number three is the REALLY SMART GUY! This guy has an IQ around 200! Will he successfully breed? We'll soon find out! Remember, this person is not necessarily creative, just smart. This guy's popular with the late 1900's, most snobs, and generally anyone who needs to know how to get their goddamn computer to work.
Speak of the devil, contestent number four is the REALLY CREATIVE GUY! Popular with inventors, capitalists and everyone that loves having 'stuff', this guy knows how to put things together!
Contestent number five is the...CHOSEN ONE! He's not particularly...anything really...but he was definitely pre-ordained to be the...one...in all it's oneness! The one is popular with all people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and need to be saved by a second party, and most other sheep.
Contestent number six is...MY FRIEND CHRISTIAN! Welcome to the games Christian! I can see you've already brought some fire for the contest...oh, you were bringing that anyway? Well that's good, because you're THE GUY WHO ISN'T AFRAID OF FIRE! Now, on to the...
*THUD!*
AND THE PURE BLOOD IS OUT! Exactly two and a half seconds before the first event, our genetically pure competitor has succomed to the numerous genetic abnormalities that come with having only one family party each holiday. The festering boils and wounds derived from the hemophilia and dementia induced self neglect probably didn't help either! Despite his supposed blood purity, this monstrosity couldn't even survive in an air conditioned buffet! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, THE PURE BLOODS ARE OUT...and the Harry Potter fans go wild! Yes, sports fans, the Harry Potter fans go wild!
EVENT #1: THE ELEMENTS
It's December, so this won't be completely easy...the creative guy and the intelligent guy are working together to make a hut...and the big guy is stealing the hut away from them! This could be trouble...no, wait...they just went on ahead and made another hut for themselves! What great sports!
The chosen one is standing there, posing...the camera is focused on his grim expression and great hair as it flaps in the wind...and had he been chosen for practical reasons he'd have something to do right now. No...no, he's just standing there...being the one.
Christian isn't doing much besides playing with the fire. It's keeping him warm for now, but he'll need something to burn...
NOW HERE COMES THE COLD! The posing seems to be doing nothing for the Chosen one...
*THUD!*
That's it! Without any good reason for being chosen, the chosen one is little more than a frozen corpse...
*WHOOSH!*
Or should I say tinder?! Christian's making good use of the fallen competitor as we move on to...
EVENT #2: EACH OTHER
Oh I don't know if this will be much of an issue. There seems to be enough to go around for...
AND HERE COME THE LADIES! Specifically, three ladies. Now before my female readers get angry, we're assuming that the guys are going to fight first, and then the women will have their choice of mate. You could easily flip this equation and have women fighting over men if you like. The real issue is which of these competitors is going to be able to mate, regardless of whether they're going to be the mother or father.
The ladies seem to like all the guys, but there's simply not enough for everyone...
...and the big guy's trying to take them all! This is too much even for this group to handle! They're all ganging up on the big guy...and they're going for rocks ladies and gentelmen! No matter how big and strong you are, three guys with rocks...
*WHOOSH!*
...and torches are just too much to handle! Quantity is definitely defeating quality...
*THUD!*
...and another corpse is on the pile! As we can now see, the actual bodies of the competitors seem to be nothing, be they supposedly pure, large, or destined! No, this is coming down to brains, but what about attracting the women? They seem a little put off what with the killing and all, and they're going to have to be charmed again.
The creative guy is composing sonnets, poems, songs and other inventions created solely for the purpose of getting into someone's pants. The women seem to approve!
The smart guy shows how well he can add numbers in his head. The women are indifferent!
Christian has pretty fire. OOOOOOO's and AHHHHHHH's aplently from the mystical fire! The fire is also warm, comforting and will cook their food. Women love men who can cook!
It looks like the ladies are cuddling up with two of our competitors to enjoy some rare mammoth steaks and sonnets read by the fire...AND OUR SMART GUY IS LEFT OUT IN THE COLD!
We'll assume that poor nerd doesn't mate in the frequency of Romeo and Pyro over there, as intelligence really don't matter until technology hits a certain level, and even then there's nothing on a whole about it that helps you mate more often then others.
Now, onto event number...what? No, you guys don't actually get to mate with the women...and I'm telling on you Christian.
EVENT #3: BEARS
BEARS?
*ROAR!*
OH SHIT!
BEARS! RUN!!!
The creative guy is taking my advice and running...which is no good! Ha ha, sucker! You can't outrun a bear. Christian is waving fire at the bear...who doesn't seem to like it at all! Yes, it's keeping it away...and the creative guy has fashioned a spear! He's jabbing at the bear...and the bear snaps it in two like a twig with a rock tied to the end! The creative guy somehow finds the time to fashion a bow and arrow...which is amazing, really...but the bear's already too close! The creative guy needs a plan!
He passes out!
Bears don't attack passed out people right? Looney Tunes wouldn't lie to us, would they?
Sorry creative guy, but this is a brown bear, and brown bears WANT you to stop moving. That means it's supper time!
*CHOMP!*
AND THAT'S IT! The creative guy is eaten! Why? Shouldn't the creative inventor be able to save himself through inventions? Inventions don't erase problems, they change things. You can't invent the bow and arrow in time to save you, it has to already be there, and this in itself would creat new problems. If you create a bow you don't have to worry so much about animals, but then other humans will have bows as well, making everyone less safe. You haven't erased problems, you've just changed what the problems are.
For example, if there was a next event, and thanks to Christian's pyromania there doesn't have to be, it would be to gather enough food. Gathering enough food can be a problem, so you start moving around, which is haphazard at best, so you begin farming and keeping your own animals. All this keeps you in one place so you need protection, so you invent bows. Guys with bows are a problem, so you invent guns. Guys with guns are a problem, so you invent bombs. Guys with bombs are a problem, so you invent missles. Guys with missles are a problem, and you suddenly have to start moving around again in order to be safe.
Fire has helped humanity so much in the past because it works. If it didn't work, we wouldn't use it, and even in pre-historic times, using fire had its consequences, as you have to keep the fire going, gather enough wood and eventually get enough flint together to restart it easily and...
You're just ignoring me and staring at the fire, aren't you Christian?
*Lowers head*
You just want an excuse for your pyromania, don't you?
*Shameful nod*
Well just go right ahead my friend. Fire's saved humanity's bacon on many occassions, and as long as the people who prefer fire live to reproduce the most, it's the way it's going to remain.
Of course, one day it might be the opposite, and all the people who refused to give up fire, combustion, and other ways of turning resources into fuel, may all fade away just like those pyrophobic cavemen...but we're not there yet.
So just go ahead and enjoy yourself. The fish are of the sea, the birds are of the air, but despite what some Wiccan people may try to convince you, humanity is not an animal of the Earth.
Humans are, and always have been, embodied by the flame.
(Just don't burn down Vinny's basement, okay Christian? All my stuff's down there.)
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Okay, I had to take hostages in order to get the last few questions, but I did it! I apologize to any fictional characters who were almost brutally decapitated for the sake of blogging.
VINNY'S QUESTION
Q. If you could only eat/drink one thing in order to gain sustenance (assume you get complete nutritional value from this one thing) what would it be?
A. GOOD QUESTION!
The problem is, eventually we get sick of everything. If we only eat/drink/play/watch/do/talk about/think about/screw/ritualistically murder one type of food/drink/game/show/hobby/topic/topic/hooker/Peanuts character, then we're eventually going to get bored no matter how many times we decapitate Lucy.
So the one type of food would have to either encapsulate many different types of food, provide an innate form of variety, or provide a completely unrelated benefit.
Just to set some ground rules, I'm assuming I won't be suffering the negative effects from the food, as I'd die in a year if I had to eat a real fattening food every meal. No, this is so special kind of super food that has all the nutritional benefits, but none of the drawbacks...
I have to admit, thinking this out I had a few misfires. At first, I was set and ready to say cheesecake, but it'd have to be my own cheesecake, and they take quite a bit of prepwork to create. Unless I'd want to spend every night home making cheesecake, that's not going to work...
I almost went with Jelly Belly Jellybeans and their incredible number of flavors, but that feels like cheating. I have a feeling that I'd be stuck with one particular type of food, not a brand of a general type. I could choose cherry jelly beans, and I'd be able to live on cherry jelly beans from any company, but it'd have to be a specific flavor.
A part of me wants to select buttery garlic bread...oh it wants to select that so bad...but eventually even I'd get tired of...soft, fresh baked...NO MAX! PULL BACK! Besides, could you ever really choose between buttery garlic bread...still warm from the oven...AND RED LOBSTER CHEESY BISCUITS?!
Oooo...tough choice...GARLIC BREAD!!! GIVE ME...
...no, even that would get tiring after a while. I need variety! I need...
French Onion Soup
I'm not saying it's my all time favorite food, although I do enjoy it very much. The real allure is...well, come on, walk with me.
[Walks to Cape May]
Now...what? Well yes, I guess we could have driven, but...yes, I know it's really freakin cold out, but if you would...I really don't need to know how numb your genital area is right now man, I just need you to look HERE!
That's right, this is the 'Ugly Mug' tavern. Let's step inside. Now let's have a seat, order a couple of drinks, and more importantly, order two crocks of their french onion soup.
While we're waiting, I'm going to mention that I did consider making a surreal choice, but I knew very well that wasn't fair. If I could though, I'd definitely choose 1-up mushrooms from Super Mario Brothers.
Now, I'm not sure if Mario has to eat them or if he just absorbs them into his body, but in any case he is technically consuming them! The regular power-up mushrooms are tempting...double in height, break bricks with your fist or head, jump twice as high, survive a hit from anything including, but not limited to fire, cars, animal attacks and nuclear missles...but the extra life mushrooms are definitely more impressive.
Imagine this:
"Wow, that was some wild night in Vegas with all those hookers! Who knew there was a way to make sex even more unprotected than normal? Who knows what I might have contracted from that wild escapade..."
Walks into traffic, gets run over.
"And I'm back to normal, no problem at all! Gee, I probably shouldn't have borrowed that 100 grand from the mob to pay for that wild escapade! It'd be quite a shame if they were listening in and heard I had NO INTENTION OF REPAYING THEM!"
Gets thumb cut off and then gets capped in the head.
"Well I probably could have done without the experience of getting my thumb snipped off with a pair of bolt cutters...but hey, live and learn! Well, now I'm now back home from my wild trip. All I have to do now is go through the painfully long and tedious security screening process at the airport..."
Gets mauled by turtle.
"And I'm back home!"
Quite a setup huh? Now, a drawback would be that I'd have to eat the entire mushroom, and there's some question as to how large they get. In the video game they take up roughly the space of a 5 X 5 foot cube, which is kind of a lot of mushroom to eat through. On the videogame boxes the mushrooms fit in his hand...but why's he holding it? Do you have to hold the mushroom in order to get the benefit? Bear Wrestling (what? tell me you wouldn't want to try) and other ridiculous escapades would be kind of awkward if you had to hold a mushroom the entire time. Still, these 1-up mushrooms aren't real, so they're disqualified...oh good, here's our soup.
Go ahead, try it. Neat huh? No, it's not like other french onion soups you've tried. Yes, I am talking like Alton Brown right now, but hear me out.
This French Onion soup tastes a little bit like ale (in a good way), it's rich with deep onion flavor and there's a thick slice of cheese covered bread on top. This soup isn't too sweet, and it's loaded with red onion flavor!
Now let's walk back to Freehold. No, we can't take a bus. No sense arguing about it...JUMP CUT!
And we're back in Freehold! Let's walk down to the local Ruby Tuesdays.
Now he's a fairly generic bowl of French Onion soup, piled with bread and cheese. It's good, and almost nothing like the bowl we just had in the Ugly Mug. Another cut...
And we're here in Longhorns! No bread or cheese you say? That's more soup in the bowl, made with delicious meat drippings to give the onion soup a meaty kick...
And then it's over to Moore's tavern for a HUGE bowl of soup. Oof! Now that's what I like to see. Yum!
Go to any restaurant in the nation and you'll find French Onion soup, but no two will be the same. Of all the types of food in the world, none has more infinite variety than this simply dish, and you could eat it to gain sustenance for every meal every day, and you'd never get tired of it.
That's why, in response to your question, if I could only live on one type of food, it would definitely be...
FRESH BUTTERY GARLIC BREAD!!!
I've cracked! My brain's rebelled! It's too late for me! I'm locking myself in with all the garlic bread I can find and I may very well never come out!
SEND HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND HELP...and olive oil...
*SLAMS DOOR*
*OPENS DOOR AND PLACES 'DO NOT DISTURB' SIGN ON THE OUTSIDE*
*SLAMS DOOR AGAIN*
VINNY'S QUESTION
Q. If you could only eat/drink one thing in order to gain sustenance (assume you get complete nutritional value from this one thing) what would it be?
A. GOOD QUESTION!
The problem is, eventually we get sick of everything. If we only eat/drink/play/watch/do/talk about/think about/screw/ritualistically murder one type of food/drink/game/show/hobby/topic/topic/hooker/Peanuts character, then we're eventually going to get bored no matter how many times we decapitate Lucy.
So the one type of food would have to either encapsulate many different types of food, provide an innate form of variety, or provide a completely unrelated benefit.
Just to set some ground rules, I'm assuming I won't be suffering the negative effects from the food, as I'd die in a year if I had to eat a real fattening food every meal. No, this is so special kind of super food that has all the nutritional benefits, but none of the drawbacks...
I have to admit, thinking this out I had a few misfires. At first, I was set and ready to say cheesecake, but it'd have to be my own cheesecake, and they take quite a bit of prepwork to create. Unless I'd want to spend every night home making cheesecake, that's not going to work...
I almost went with Jelly Belly Jellybeans and their incredible number of flavors, but that feels like cheating. I have a feeling that I'd be stuck with one particular type of food, not a brand of a general type. I could choose cherry jelly beans, and I'd be able to live on cherry jelly beans from any company, but it'd have to be a specific flavor.
A part of me wants to select buttery garlic bread...oh it wants to select that so bad...but eventually even I'd get tired of...soft, fresh baked...NO MAX! PULL BACK! Besides, could you ever really choose between buttery garlic bread...still warm from the oven...AND RED LOBSTER CHEESY BISCUITS?!
Oooo...tough choice...GARLIC BREAD!!! GIVE ME...
...no, even that would get tiring after a while. I need variety! I need...
French Onion Soup
I'm not saying it's my all time favorite food, although I do enjoy it very much. The real allure is...well, come on, walk with me.
[Walks to Cape May]
Now...what? Well yes, I guess we could have driven, but...yes, I know it's really freakin cold out, but if you would...I really don't need to know how numb your genital area is right now man, I just need you to look HERE!
That's right, this is the 'Ugly Mug' tavern. Let's step inside. Now let's have a seat, order a couple of drinks, and more importantly, order two crocks of their french onion soup.
While we're waiting, I'm going to mention that I did consider making a surreal choice, but I knew very well that wasn't fair. If I could though, I'd definitely choose 1-up mushrooms from Super Mario Brothers.
Now, I'm not sure if Mario has to eat them or if he just absorbs them into his body, but in any case he is technically consuming them! The regular power-up mushrooms are tempting...double in height, break bricks with your fist or head, jump twice as high, survive a hit from anything including, but not limited to fire, cars, animal attacks and nuclear missles...but the extra life mushrooms are definitely more impressive.
Imagine this:
"Wow, that was some wild night in Vegas with all those hookers! Who knew there was a way to make sex even more unprotected than normal? Who knows what I might have contracted from that wild escapade..."
Walks into traffic, gets run over.
"And I'm back to normal, no problem at all! Gee, I probably shouldn't have borrowed that 100 grand from the mob to pay for that wild escapade! It'd be quite a shame if they were listening in and heard I had NO INTENTION OF REPAYING THEM!"
Gets thumb cut off and then gets capped in the head.
"Well I probably could have done without the experience of getting my thumb snipped off with a pair of bolt cutters...but hey, live and learn! Well, now I'm now back home from my wild trip. All I have to do now is go through the painfully long and tedious security screening process at the airport..."
Gets mauled by turtle.
"And I'm back home!"
Quite a setup huh? Now, a drawback would be that I'd have to eat the entire mushroom, and there's some question as to how large they get. In the video game they take up roughly the space of a 5 X 5 foot cube, which is kind of a lot of mushroom to eat through. On the videogame boxes the mushrooms fit in his hand...but why's he holding it? Do you have to hold the mushroom in order to get the benefit? Bear Wrestling (what? tell me you wouldn't want to try) and other ridiculous escapades would be kind of awkward if you had to hold a mushroom the entire time. Still, these 1-up mushrooms aren't real, so they're disqualified...oh good, here's our soup.
Go ahead, try it. Neat huh? No, it's not like other french onion soups you've tried. Yes, I am talking like Alton Brown right now, but hear me out.
This French Onion soup tastes a little bit like ale (in a good way), it's rich with deep onion flavor and there's a thick slice of cheese covered bread on top. This soup isn't too sweet, and it's loaded with red onion flavor!
Now let's walk back to Freehold. No, we can't take a bus. No sense arguing about it...JUMP CUT!
And we're back in Freehold! Let's walk down to the local Ruby Tuesdays.
Now he's a fairly generic bowl of French Onion soup, piled with bread and cheese. It's good, and almost nothing like the bowl we just had in the Ugly Mug. Another cut...
And we're here in Longhorns! No bread or cheese you say? That's more soup in the bowl, made with delicious meat drippings to give the onion soup a meaty kick...
And then it's over to Moore's tavern for a HUGE bowl of soup. Oof! Now that's what I like to see. Yum!
Go to any restaurant in the nation and you'll find French Onion soup, but no two will be the same. Of all the types of food in the world, none has more infinite variety than this simply dish, and you could eat it to gain sustenance for every meal every day, and you'd never get tired of it.
That's why, in response to your question, if I could only live on one type of food, it would definitely be...
FRESH BUTTERY GARLIC BREAD!!!
I've cracked! My brain's rebelled! It's too late for me! I'm locking myself in with all the garlic bread I can find and I may very well never come out!
SEND HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND HELP...and olive oil...
*SLAMS DOOR*
*OPENS DOOR AND PLACES 'DO NOT DISTURB' SIGN ON THE OUTSIDE*
*SLAMS DOOR AGAIN*
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