Oops!

Here I am! Sorry, I got wrapped with work. Nevertheless, I've returned to...damn it, I don't want to do anything political!

The problem is, nothing else is happening. News, media, culture and even the people around me won't talk about anything else...well, at least that and sex. There's always sex.

Oh don't worry, we're not getting into details. We try to keep the blog PG-13 around here (or at worst, a Kevin Smith R/NC-17, where there's no sex or violence, but fat guys hang out at the mall and talk about oral sex).

What we are getting into, is what happens when geeks are exposed directly to a young, attractive woman who doesn't think they're disgusting.

The effects are nothing short of disastrously hilarious.

Let's take this young attractive girl. She's a blond in her early 20's, wears boots, jeans and loose t-shirts, and she's definitely pretty, but not so pretty that she isn't accessible. She has a good sense of humor, but little to no impulse control, causing her to act without thinking very hard. To protect her identity we'll call her 'Mary', an anagram of her real name...

Okay, her name IS Mary. It's not like she reads this blog or anything.

Now imagine a small horde of young male geeks. Yes...imagine them now. No, don't back away, I compel you to imagine the ocean of acne, glasses and pop culture references! Does that one have a 'theme to Star Trek' ring tone on his cell? You bet he does!

Now introduce Mary into the scenario.

Ever see a car crash in slow motion?

Alright, things start off slowly, with Mary being friendly with the geeks, and doing something which hasn't happened to most of them in years: she physically touches them.

Yes, even I was not completely immune, as she casually stepped over and slipped an arm around me. It wasn't a come-on, she's just a 'huggy' kind of girl in general.

Regardless of my geeky nature, I kept things platonic and friendly. Why? Because I knew what was going to happen next. Specifically, geeky intrigue that borders on Shakespearean. Allow me to introduce geeks 1 through 6.

GEEK 1 (Mr. Creepy): Mr. Creepy is married with a kid, but he still spends most of his free time at the game store. Despite being married, and acting normal when around the guys, he gives off a creepy 'stalker' vibe when in the presence of attractive women. Mary often asks him to give her a ride to the store, and ironically, most of the movies he watches begins with a similar scenario. (Cue the bow-chicka-wow-wow)

GEEK 2 (The Flake): The Flake is easily the most physically attractive of the guy gamers, but he's often wrapped up in his own world, and misses out on most of the conversation. He nods politely at whatever you say, and has no actual personality of his own. He's already taken that Mary and him will get together as an inevitability.

GEEK 3 (Poindexter): Poindexter is nice, but bewilderingly over analytical. He's chubby, wears glasses, and more or less what people imagine when they imagine 'a geek', but he's too cheerful and friendly to come off as creepy. He's impossible to anger, but often causes confusion by doing things such as wearing surgical masks when he's sick. Is he bizarre or just trying to be funny? A little from column A, a little from column B...

GEEK 4 (The Robot): The Robot is basically just an older, mellower version of 'Poindexter'. He has a real job, and doesn't freak out in Mary's presence, which is more than can be said for most of the geeks. Then again, nothing seems to freak him out. Could a meteor swarm get him running? We're not sure. He quickly becomes overly concerned with Mary's problems, in a 'big brother' sort of way. It's initially uncertain if he's just being nice, or if he's trying a more passive, gentler approach to getting in her pants. Not since Ben Stein have we seen more passion from a human being.

GEEK 5 (The Jerry Springer Guest, or JSG for short): JSG has absolutely no impulse control, so he gets along with Mary fairly well. Besides the Flake, he's probably the next most attractive of the guys, but keeps saying racist things without reason or provocation, which makes him a little unsettling. He has a pregnant girlfriend, but no immediate plan to marry, a history of infidelity, and was voted 'most likely to die before age 35' by the group...well okay, just by me. But everyone's thinking it.

GEEK 6 (That Guy): 'That guy' is terrified of women, and avoids all eye contact with Mary, but nevertheless gravitates towards her. He speaks at a mile per minute, rarely looks up from the games he's playing, and openly shares the fact he's heavily medicated.


Let's set up the situation. Mary's having relationship problems with her boyfriend...

'Mr. Creepy': Convinces her to talk to him in his car, where he madly professes his love for her, despite the fact he barely knows her.

'The Flake': All but outright tells her that she should leave her boyfriend and date him. He sees nothing wrong with this strategy.

'Poindexter': Remains nice and friendly, but makes an awkward attempt to romance her, in-between turns of Warhammer 40k.

'The Robot': Consoles her and like Geek 2, tries to convince her to break up with her jerk boyfriend. To his friends he'd claim he was 'playing it slow', but glaciers move faster than this man's romantic strategy.

'JSG': Casually hits on her, as he does for virtually every female within a quarter mile radius.

'That Guy': Hides in the corner, avoids eye contact.


Tensions rise. Geeks begin staring daggers at each other. What will happen? Do any of these geeks stand a chance? Will they come to blows over this?

Of course not! They're geeks! They'll just get pissy. Still, despite what you might think, Mary actually goes out with one of these 6 guys in response to their 'advances' (or in the case of That Guy, his 'retreat') and believe it or not, willingly kisses them on the lips.

Which one was it? Will geeks tear each other apart over the fair Mary...okay that's a stretch, but will they throw 12 sided dice at each other?


TO BE CONTINUED...

I don't have too much time today, so just a short one:


WATER WORLD AND MORTAL KOMBAT 2 GET A REPRIEVE

Stop the execution! There's been a call from the governor!

Specifically, from Governor Schwarzenegger (believe it or not, my initial spelling was only one letter off). The call is from all the way back in 1998...with the movie 'Batman and Robin'.

This is the worst action movie ever made. Pound for pound (taking the budget into consideration) it's THE worst movie ever made. I'm not even sure who they targeted this movie towards. As rifftrax suggested: 'sex crazed seven year olds?'

It starts with molded plastic asses, and moves on to a ridiculous fight in a museum between ice skaters and our heroes, with Arnold delivering mind-shatteringly bad pun after pun. You think he's finished, but oh no, there's about 5 billion ice/snow/cold related puns to get through before he's done.

Let's compare the new Batman movie, 'The Dark Knight' against 'Batman and Robin'.


DARK KNIGHT BATMAN

Christian Bale is subtle, talented, and makes Batman human. One downside: when he talks as Batman, he sounds like Assey McGee.


BATMAN & ROBIN BATMAN

George Clooney, bobbing his head up and down, delivering every line with blank, smug superiority. When he talks like Batman, he sounds exactly like Bruce Wayne, which makes you wonder why his fiends haven't made the connection yet. By comparison, Adam West's performance in the 60's seems 'nuanced'.


DK VILLAIN

Joker: "You ever notice that nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrible? If I say that tomorrow a gang banger is going to be shot...or that a truck load of soldiers is going to be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all going according to plan. But if I say that one little mayor is going to die...EVERYONE GOES HYSTERICAL!"

Ask nicely, and he might even show you a neat magic trick.


B&R VILLAIN

MR. Freeze: "Let's kick some ice!"

Poison ivy: "I am mother nature!"

Bane: "BANE!"

Yeah, that's about it.


DK EVIL SCHEME

Infiltrate the mob, and use its resources to drive the city into pure, absolute chaos. Then, drive the city's greatest hero insane, turning him into a wretched abomination, to reflect Gotham's true twisted heart. Then burn it all, while laughing.


B&R EVIL SCEME

Steal giant diamonds to power your giant freeze ray, and then use it to freeze Gotham. Threaten to freeze other cities with your giant immovable ice gun that can't reach any other city besides Gotham...uh...and step 3 is profit.


DK SIDEKICK

Commissioner Gordan, played by Gary Oldman, a brilliant character actor. Gordan's cool, effective, and above all completely believable.


B&R SIDEKICK

Robin, played by Chris O'Donnel, whose whining and angsting reach Anakin level proportions. Want to know what's really sad? He more or less carries the movie. His performance is simply the least horrible.


DK LOVE INTEREST

Rachael unfortunately pulled a 'Trinity', and apparently aged 14 years between the first and second movie. Still, she's very believable, and it's easy to see why men fall in love with her. It isn't about glamor or a huge amount of cleavage, she's just a wonderful and strong person, who honestly cares about people.


B&R LOVE INTEREST

If you discount the 2 scenes with Bruce's girlfriend's cleavage (I forget the name, but I remember the cleavage, which I'm pretty sure was the point), that leaves Bat girl and Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thermon...

If I ever meet Quentin Tarantino, I'm going to ask him how he gets such great performances out of Uma. If you separate Uma's good performances from her absolutely horrible ones, you'll find all the good ones in Tanantino movies (Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill) and all the other ones worthy of the bottom shelf of the bargain bin.

Uma's absolutely horrible in this, with every scene more hammed up and ridiculous than the last. I will say that the costumes/director did make her look really good...but then she starts talking. Yikes.

Batgirl's played by Alicia Silverstone and her wandering lower lip. Seriously, if you met her in real life, you'd swear she was having a stroke. I was going to comment on her very nice rear end, but then Amber had to be a kill joy and remind me it was molded plastic. Dang it.


DK CAR CHASE

BOOM! BLAMMO! Big rigs overturning! Rocket launchers! Crashes! Explosions! Bat cycle! AWESOME!!!


B&R CAR CHASE

They're getting away! Quick, let's use the Batmobile (TM) and the Batcycle (TM)! Oh no, there's ice everywhere, and Mr. Freeze is driving his Ice Tank (TM)! What will we do?

I know! I'll drive the Batmobile with snowy weather modifications (TM) while you drive the Bad Hovercraft (TM, and I'm not kidding). I sure hope Batgirl shows up on her own special Batcycle (TA...I mean, TM).


DK BIG FINISH

Batman saves lives, fights the police, and has two great final encounters, one with Joker and one with 2 face.


B&R BIG FINISH

About 10 minutes in, Batman and Robin surf the metal doors of a space shuttle down towards Mr. Freeze as he's flying over the city, and you walk out of the theater.


DK FINAL RESULTS

The greatest superhero movie ever made, and the second highest grossing film of all time.


B&R FINAL RESULTS

Kills the franchise and about three careers.


Why is this movie so bad? Why didn't they pull the plug and fire everyone involved, one week into shooting? Because they assumed their target audience were idiots. They thought they could sell ridiculous tripe and make a fortune. This was the result.

Dark Knight, by comparison, is a brilliant and subtle movie, with the added bonus that if you don't want to think too much, you don't have to. You can follow the movie and have a great time even if you don't concentrate too much on the characters or underlying message. You can have it anyway you like it.

I'm going to have to disagree with nostalgic people. The past sucks.

Onward to the future! ^_^

THE LAST 'FAVORITE' MOVIE RANT, I SWEAR

Well, at least for a while. ^_^

We're down to the final category: Circus Peanuts!

Ever have a circus peanut? If not, imagine a super dense marsh-mellow, so thick it's almost the consistency of meat.

Now, make it banana flavored.

Now shape it like a peanut. Why a peanut? No one knows.

Now imagine yourself eating this 'candy', and I use the term candy very loosely here. It's bizarre, strange, and you might even feel a little sick.

Then you eat more. Whenever it's offered, you take it. Several companies actually COMPETE to be the one that provides this 'candy' to consumers.

You'll eat it, simultaneously hate and love it, and you'll always be ready for more, but for the life of me, I can't explain why.

That's the embodiment of this category, which can also be described by this rant:

"Oh my god! What the hell was that? I can't believe I actually sat through that movie...I give it an A-."

Going by genre, it's the movie you're glad you saw, would encourage others to see, but always watch with equal parts pain and joy. I'm not talking about movies 'so bad they're funny'. I'm talking about movies that almost make it on BOTH the 'best' and 'worst' list. Perhaps they're great movies with severe problems. Perhaps they're bad or mediocre movies that are so unique and revolutionary that watching them is almost life changing.

They're just circus peanuts.


ACTION/ADVENTURE CIRCUS PEANUT: PLATOON

You'll never find a more realistic, powerful and depressing Vietnam movie than Platoon. It makes 'Full Metal Jacket' look like Police Academy. Charlie Sheen actually plays it straight as the protagonist, a low level soldier in Vietnam dealing with combat, murder, fragging, suicide bombers, rape, the destruction of entire defenseless villages, stupid/homicidal teammates, and everything else that never seems to make it into mainstream war movies.

You'll never find a war movie that presents war as ugly as it truly is. The closest you probably can come is the first and last 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Imagine if the middle hour and a half of Saving Private Ryan was as dark as the beginning and end. You'd have Platoon.


SCI-FI CIRCUS PEANUT: VIDEO DROME

What the hell is with this movie? I can't shake the feeling that the writer and director like home appliances a little TOO much.

I don't even know where to begin. A TV show where people are tortured in S&M fashion. A man trying to investigate that show. A romantic encounter with a television set. I wish I was kidding!

VCR slots in humans! Assassinations! Dismemberment! Suicide! Down with Video Drome! ALL HAIL THE NEW FLESH!

This movie should come with free therapy. Regardless, the last twenty minutes is unbelievable. Seriously, you won't believe they put that in a movie. I'm still not sure if that's good or bad.


SUSPENSE CIRCUS PEANUT: LOST HIGHWAY

I actually walked out of this movie in the theaters, and loudly heckled it while I was there. You wouldn't believe how slow the movie is to start. Here's my favorite scene:

COP: "Let's see the bedroom."

HERO: "Alright it's this way."

(They slowly walk into the bedroom)

COP: "So this is the bedroom."

ME IN AUDIENCE: "NO!!!"


David Lynch, of Twin Peaks fame, does not understand the concept of pacing. It's a shame I left, because I watched it again and found out that the second after I left is where the movie picks up. The pale creepy guy character is great, people transform into other people, and although it's odd and surreal, I can't say it isn't consistent. The last fight is great, although I'm not sure if it's supposed to be as funny as I thought it was. I mean, I laughed. Should I have? Who can say?


SPORTS CIRCUS PEANUT: PRE

This is a more low key sports movie, focused far more on character development than success or 'giving it all you got'. The fact it's about running, and not about teams helps this. Sure, running isn't very exciting...rather boring really, but I liked it. If only the ending wasn't so depressing.

There's no way of not picking up the box and knowing what happens, so needless to say, the movie gets to the point where our hero has overcome his failure, risen himself back into the highest heights, and just as he's ready to get back into the Olympics, he dies in a random car crash.

It's sad, thoughtful, and surprisingly existential. It's about your personal best. Of course, his journey ends with his own random death...so it might fall a little short of 'inspirational'.

This movie also proves my theory wrong about there being only two sports movies: the one where they win and the one where they lose. There's also the one where they die before the big competition. It's a powerful movie, but horribly anti-climactic.


HORROR CIRCUS PEANUT: WILD ZERO

I have to admit, this movie is definitely TRYING to be the strangest horror movie ever made, and it indeed succeeds. It starts with a standard Japanese zombie movie plot, with the guy, girl, evil criminals, secret government agents and such, but then Guitar Wolf shows up.

Guitar Wolf is the self proclaimed 'loudest rock band in the world', and dress like greasers. They immediately show up, casually grab guns, and start effortlessly killing their way through the zombie hordes, not only with guns, but with glowing thrown guitar picks and the power of rock and roll. There's even a scene where the main singer fights a giant flying saucer with a katana...and cuts it in half.

Zombies, explosions and rock and roll. If Elvis were alive, this would've been one of his favorite movies...had there not been the romantic sub plot.

The main girl turns out to be a guy. Really. They're not kidding, the character is played by a guy, the main hero understandably freaks out, but in the end realized he loves him/her/it, so a little thing like gender shouldn't matter, even though he's straight. The movie ends with them kissing, for real, right on camera, and then driving off into the sunset.

What the fuck is with this movie?


COWBOY/SAMURAI CIRCUS PEANUT: RAN


Another great movie hampered by it's own mind blowing level of depression. Being based on King Lear, a Shakespeare play, this is probably to be expected, but the movie includes more tragedy and depression than Shakespeare ever dared to achieve.

It's still a Kurisawa movie (7 Samurai, Yojimbo), so everything is top notch, but you'll be horribly depressed, and the 'funny' and 'inspirational' moments will just leave you confused. What's with the random shot of Buddha at the end? Once again, who can say?


ROMANCE CIRCUS PEANUT: THE PROFESSIONAL


Yes, this movie already received and honorable mention in one of the 'best' categories, but it also deserves an honorable mention as one of the most dysfunctional romance movies ever made. It isn't even intended to be romantic, and that's the heart of it.

The movie revolves around an assassin with a mild mental disability (they never go completely into it) who adopts a preteen girl after her drug dealing family is killed by a crooked cop, including her innocent little brother. She wants revenge and the assassin is helping her learn how to be an assassin, because it's the only thing he knows how to teach.

It's a touching, father-daughter relationship, right? Well, he certainly thinks so, but she falls madly in love with him. The movie includes him giving one of the world's greatest spit takes, after she tells him how she feels. He obviously never intended it, but he does love her as the daughter/sister he never had, and that's what's so disturbing about the movie. It revolves around two people, both deeply in love with each other, but each with a COMPLETELY different view of their relationship. She even goes as far to claim to a stranger that he's her lover, getting them kicked out of a hotel.

The movie ends with tragedy, of course, but before getting her to safety, they kiss (it's European so he did it in a 'family' way), but you can tell she meant it romantically. To make it worse, the actress playing her makes it believable enough...that you wonder if their own true feelings are a mirror of their character's. The older man as the fatherly protector, and the young girl as the romantic lover.

It's disturbingly sad, but it isn't too bad, considering nothing sexual ever happens. In fact, by the end, both characters truly prove their love for each other, showing that although their relationship is dysfunctional, it's no less powerful than the love shared by characters in any other romantic movie. What's that tell us about love? What does that mean for you and me?

It's a great movie about love, but you'll have to live with how screwed up our emotions can be.


COMEDY CIRCUS PEANUT: S.O.B.

Richard Mulligan plays a great sleazy down and out director, trying to make a kid's movie, with his ex-wife as the star. It never works, until he decides to turn it into a soft core porno at the last minute, just by throwing in a half hour of footage, including a topless scene of his wife, who is famous only for family movies.

The clincher: the actress playing his ex-wife is Julie Andrews. Yes, the Julie Andrews from Mary Poppins and Sound of Music, and yes, she has a topless scene in this movie...

AND IT IS AWESOME. The pictures don't really do the scene (or her) justice. I'd check out a video of this one.

Unfortunately, they decided to throw a little too much seriousness and tragedy into this movie, making you wonder what they were really trying to do. This movie seems like a compromise, with a few aspects thrown in that don't make sense. In fact, it's a perfect mirror of the movie they're making in the movie. It's a movie about itself.

It's a great concept, but it's too downbeat to really work well. It really seems like they were trying to please too many people...but dude, Julie Andrews is topless. How can you pass that up?


FANTASY CIRCUS PEANUT: WIZARDS


A movie can't only be about its ending. The ending is legendary, but the movie leading up to it is confusing, and keeps vaulting you back and forth between dark and 'kiddie'. Standard kids cartoon characters are shot dead by machine gun fire. Preachy 'hippie' values are mixed in with martyrdom, with a wacky wizard thrown in the mix.

It's a great movie, but the values are really confusing, and by the end I'm not even sure what their point is supposed to be. I think I need to be stoned to really appreciate this one.


DRAMA CIRCUS PEANUT: I AM THE CHEESE


It's almost a 'difficult to define' movie, but it's mainly just a really weird drama. What really makes it stand out, besides the honestly surprising ending, and convoluted plot twists, is how perfectly the movie portrays teenage alienation. Is the main character alone by choice, or is he trapped? The movie could mean many things, but the main theme revolves around cycles. The main character is stuck in a cycle he can't break, because facing the truth and growing up is too hard...so he keeps going around in circles, trapped in his own mind.

Unfortunately, this is all hampered by a silly plot twists that belong in a pre-teen spy movie, not a thoughtful drama. Still, the ending is nice, but I wish they kept the movie realistic.


FAMILY CIRCUS PEANUT: PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH


This movie is loooooooong and sloooooooooooooooow. Yes, there's parts you like. There are parts we all love, and some great characters...along with never ending, pointless scenes and songs you keep praying will end. Remember the spelling bee? Me neither.

Just watch how long this dang movie takes to even get started! A whiny pre-teen phone conversation, another eternity to open the box, and how many times does he go back and forth, to check out the difference between his normal and cartoon self?

WAY TOO DAMN MANY!

One of the great ironies of this movie is the most entertaining parts are the villains, and 'wrong thinking people'. By comparison, the 'good' people, who follow rhyme and reason, are all incredibly boring. That's the punchline, during the big transformation sequence at the end, we watch everything interesting about the cartoon world disappear, replaced by pointless and featureless 'good guys'. When the characters lost their flaws, they lost everything that really defined them. Hell, the night sky wasn't worth watching until the kid started to mess with it.

Following rhyme and reason just makes you boring. The best part of being a kid is being a kid. There's a simple rule for watching this movie: every time one of the 'good' characters starts talking with each other, go do something else. When a 'bad' person shows up, start watching again.

Space Balls was wrong, good is not dumb. Phantom Tollbooth proves it's just dull.


HARD TO DEFINE CIRCUS PEANUT: OLD BOY


What is it with Asian movies? This movie makes Wild Zero look normal. In one scene, the actor bites into a live octopus...FOR REAL! The actor actually began munching on a live small octopus with his hands and teeth!

The movie doesn't get any more normal after that. A man is kept prisoner for something like 15 years, constantly drugged, fed only fried dumplings, and urged to keep punching the wall.

His journey to discover 'why' is painful to watch, but filled with action and a dysfunctional romance that would have been more disturbing if it were more believable. The rest of the movie is disturbingly realistic, including a fight scene between the main character and dozen people, that plays out rather well, in realistic fashion, rather than action movie fashion.

The ending involves more dismemberment, incest and murder/suicide than I like to see in movies, and my friend Brian put it best after we all watched it 'I really didn't want to see that...but I'm glad I saw it'. Old Boy represents the Circus Peanut genre better than any other movie ever could.

You'll feel worse after seeing it, but you'll be glad you saw it.


Well, that's about it, so we finally have time to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush.

What?

She is HOT!

Go check her out in the Shining again. Check out her corset in Mother Goose's Rockin Rhyme. Check out her see through t-shirt in Annie Hall. Don't watch Popeye (it's not worth it).

Look at this picture: HOT

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go propose.

BONUS DISK: SPECIAL FEATURES & DELETED SCENES

It's true enough. I forgot to include three movies in my previous lists. Two are 'almost made it' movies, and the third deserves a spot as a movie that 'almost made the worst list'.

The first movie I forgot to mention was Double Indemnity. It's a standard affair/murder plot back from the days of film noir, with great acting and suspenseful twists. As an added twist, the main character, that delves into both crime and murder is...Fred MacMurray? You might remember him as the father on the old show 'My Three Sons'. He's obviously playing against type here, and he does it spookily well. Joining him as his good natured boss is...Edward G. Robinson?! You probably remember him as the big lipped gangster that from the old crime movies. He's the gangster they make fun of in all the Bugs Bunny cartoons (Yah see...yah). Seeing them essentially 'switch roles' is amazing, and very entertaining.

The third is 'A Shock to the System', starring Michael Caine. It's a suspenseful, 'root for the bad guy' type of movie that wouldn't have been nearly as good if Michael Caine wasn't the star. He steals the show, keeps it, and then puts it on his mantle. He earned it.

The movie that almost won a dishonorable mention is 'Battlefield Earth'. It didn't quite get worst because it's so laughably bad that it's mildly entertaining. The writing is some of the dumbest I've ever seen in sci-fi, and putting it all on the big screen doesn't make any of it any less idiotic. John Travolta steals the show...which is kind of like a three legged dog beating a one legged dog in a race. Still, he's funny. I'm pretty sure he wasn't really supposed to be though, and that's what's sad.


MISCELLANEOUS MOVIES

After the first post on my favorite/least favorite movies, I realized that there's quite a few movies out there that I love, but aren't really easy to define. Comedies? Dramas? Romances? Quite a few musicals find their way here as well, because what kind of drama has the actors sing and dance halfway through? Anyway, here's the best and worst of the mutts.


Honorable Mention: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

This movie deserves a bonus as being the most faithful book to movie adaptation in history. Of course, this wasn't really a book that was ever meant to become a movie.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas follows the memoirs (and I have no doubt that this is all true, it's Hunter S. Thompson after all) of a drugged up, insane journalist and his side-kick/lawyer, Dr. Gonzo, who's even crazier than he is. Johnny Depp plays the role perfectly, and Terry Gilliam's direction is amazingly psychotic, just what the movie really needed.

What really fuels the movie is the friendship between Hunter and Dr. Gonzo, because while Hunter is more or less the same level of 'crazy' at all times, Dr. Gonzo goes from perfectly normal (when not on drugs) to dangerously psychotic. Not only does Dr. Gonzo play with guns, threaten people with knives, try to electrocute himself for no apparent reason, and bring home ridiculously underage girlfriends, but Hunter has to be the one that cleans things up...which has questionable results, obviously.

My favorite line, which sums it all up, comes near the end:

"Our only hope was that our crimes were so ridiculous, so unbelievable, that no one with the power to bring the hammer down upon us would every believe it happened."

At no point do they actually hurt anyone...but they manage to break virtually every other law on the books during the course of the movie, all in hilariously disastrous fashion.


BEST ??? MOVIE: Boondock Saints

Suspense? Comedy? Crime drama? Cop/detective movie? Action/buddy movie? Whatever it is, Boondock Saints is just as hilarious as it is action packed, and it keeps switching between two, almost completely different movies. You have the action/comedy hero vigilante movie, and then you'll switch to the police end of things, only instead of police officers trying to close in on the bad guys, they're closing in on the good guys! It's a fantastic film with strong performances from everyone involved, especially Wilum Dafoe, as the highly amusing macho, gay super-cop. I also recommend watching the deleted and extended scenes. They're all very funny, especially the scene with their mother.

The only bad thing I can say about this movie is that it skims the line separating it from a 'psychopathic snob' movie. In one scene, they kill two guys just because they're at the same place the other bad guys are (basically a sex show) and look like bad guys. I hate to break it to them, but they had more convincing evidence at the Salem Witch trials. Sure, a live sex show isn't exactly a classy place, and they were probably fairly scummy, but they could have easily killed perfectly innocent 'creepy guys'. Still, it's only one scene, and it's easy to ignore it.

As an added note, I'd like to take a moment to mention that the 'psychopathic snob' genre does not include movies like American Psycho or Silence of the Lambs. I'm not saying that all movies that have a likable villain fall into this category. What makes the movies 'psycho snobs' movies is how they're portrayed. Is their actions shown as 'good'. Does the director believe these actions are good, and should be emulated? Obviously no one expects you to act like Hannibal Lecter, Jason, Freddy or the Joker. They're bad people doing bad things. It's alright for them to be entertaining, as long as it's made very clear that the actions are not good ones.


Almost Made the List:

There's a lot of them. In fact, there's so many, the last genre will have to wait for next week.

MASH (Not much like the TV series based on it, but its gritty realism and brilliantly dark comedy makes it a great movie. All the characters are believable, and they don't tell jokes as much as they just act really silly, which comes across really well. As an added bonus, 'Radar' in the movie is played by the same actor that plays him in the show.)

Dr. Strangelove (This came really close to beating Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but just like Michael Caine, it's a very good movie that's only made legendary because of an actor, specifically, Peter Sellers. Peter plays three different parts in the movie, and they'll all leave you rolling in the aisles, especially the ex-Nazi scientist, who keeps accidentally lapsing into his old ways. A must see, but just a tad too slow to win the day.)

Shaun of the Dead (A great movie, although the balance between comedy and horror dips a little too close to horror sometimes, but it's still a brilliant and thoroughly enjoyable movie. As a side note, I'm not a fan of the 'one bite and you're a zombie' movies. It takes some of the suspense out of it. If they're bitten, you know they're dead. There's no longer any question about it.)

Project A-KO (What a delightfully bizarre anime, which like many great movies, keeps escalating as the movie progresses. It starts with teenage girls, madcap comedy and typical anime property damage, but things surprisingly escalate, with giant robots, an alien invasion, and three young girls who are way too wrapped up in their own petty fights to realize most of it is happening. Watch for the clue to A-KO's origin near the end, in the scene with her parents. The sequels weren't quite as good, but they rarely are.)

An American Werewolf in London (The balance between comedy and horror is done a bit better here, with a dash of romance thrown in. I really liked it.)

Donnie Darko (You've probably heard me rant, but this film is great. You have to watch the director's cut to really understand everything though, especially the fact that since Donnie has read the book, he already knows what's going to happen at the end. A wonderfully subtle movie.)

Sleepy Hollow (Dark and bloody, silly and scary. Like Shaun, it's a little too dark to really capture our hearts, but it doesn't detract anything from the movie itself, which is great. It takes a lot of courage to make a movie much darker than the viewers would like it to be. You always feel a little uncomfortable, and that's what makes the movie work.)

Being John Malkovich (Some movies go out of their way to be really strange, and either it works or it doesn't. In this case, it definitely works. John Malkovich plays himself, and finds out he's the center of a small universe. At no point is he glorified, as his only obvious merit is the fact he's famous. That's the point of the movie. Everyone's obsessed with him, simply because he's famous. If he wasn't famous, no one would have cared. It's a movie about our obsession with celebrities, and how far we're willing to go to become one ourselves...if only for fifteen minutes at a time.)

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (Very entertaining, and wonderfully confusing. It doesn't seem fair that 'Time Bandits' gets so much more attention than this movie. I think the problem was Time Bandits was an unexpected hit, which made everyone expect a lot from Baron Munchausen, and although I loved it, the general public didn't. Watch for cameos galore, and unforgettable fun. Of course, none of it will make much sense, or clearly fit any genre, but you'll have a good time.)

Secret of Nimh (The family/kids movie that isn't for kids, and Tim Burton had nothing to do with it. Dark, shocking and powerful, even today.)

Rocky Horror Picture Show (Perhaps the hardest to define of all. Filled with great songs, a ridiculous plot, and fantastic characters. In a sense, it's the most perfect 'Frankenstein'-like movie ever made. The movie itself is the monster. ^_^ Be sure to watch the special features, to hear all the great trashy details about its creation.)

The People Versus Larry Flynt (A painfully honest memoir, with all the highs and lows you can imagine. Woody Harrelson plays Larry Flynt, the lovable creep, to perfection. Yes, he's a sick, twisted old pervert, and yes, he has every legal right to be one. You can't help but cheer him on.)

Do the Right Thing (Spike Lee's first big movie, and definitely his best. Racial tension in a predominantly black neighborhood. It's not only about conflicting people or conflicting cultures, but conflicting mindsets. The characters from different races/backgrounds literally do not think the same way, and that's the true cause of the tension. It all comes out wonderfully, and in the end, no one is really the 'bad guy'. Shit just happens. The only question is if we choose to repeat it.)

Crybaby (Roger Water's best movie, which is kind of like saying...ah, I played that joke out. Listen, Roger Waters has made some weird movies, most of which include a 350 pound transvestite, usually as the femme fatale. His movies are strange and ugly, and this musical satire is a glorious celebration of both the weird and sensational. 'Hair' did the same thing, but I think Crybaby was better...damn there's a lot of Johnny Depp movies in here. What can I say? The man's a great actor.)

Fight Club (This movie was so much better than I expected, I would have hit the floor the first time I saw it...had I not already been on the floor. Drinking was involved. Anyway, the movie is often gross and always violent, but it manages to tell a great story, without ever dipping into the 'psycho snob' territory. None of this is portrayed as a good thing. If anything, it's a cautionary tale. Stay for the credits, and discover what the protagonist's real name is.)

Groundhog's Day (almost a straight comedy, but it dips far enough into romance and fantasy to make the cut. It would have been great in any case, but Bill Murray really carries the movie to impressive heights. A must see for any Bill Murray fan. It came close to winning, but it gets a little...repetitive. Ironic, huh?)

Groundhog's Day (almost a straight comedy, but it dips far enough...just kidding)

Rocky (Sports movie? Drama? Action? All these things and more. The first Rocky movie is incredibly solid, with a remarkable performance from Stallone. The inevitable match itself is movie history, and Stallone makes it believable, every step of the way.)


WHEW! That's a lot of hard to define movies! Hmm...I wonder if hard to define movies are my favorite genre? It's definitely possible.


WORST HARD TO DEFINE MOVIES


Dishonorable Mention: Manos, the Hand of Fate

You knew it was coming, right? If you haven't seen this movie, you'll never see anything else like it, until you do. Filmed on a home video camera, with two people dubbing in all the voices later, a family, a building, ridiculous costumes, brides of Satan, a Satyr named Torgo, and theme music for the Satyr named Torgo.

No words can possibly describe how hilariously bad this movie is.

You know...I think it could have worked.

Hear me out, I think with the right crew, a better script, some better equipment, and a little more focus on Torgo, this movie could have actually been something...okay, it wouldn't have been great, but I can see how someone could start with the idea for this movie on paper (he was a fertilizer salesman actually) and go on to create this. What he didn't account for, was his complete inability to make a coherent movie. It isn't even consistent enough to be horror. If you mix the Exorcist with The Hills Have Eyes, throw in a dash of Zardos, and edit down to a PG rating, you'd get this movie. Why you'd ever want to is beyond me.


WORST 'WTF' MOVIE: Anything by Michael Moore

It's hard to hate Michael Moore movies without it sounding political. The truth is, I don't like Anne Coulter any better, but at least she has the decency not to make movies, and if she did, there would be genuine anger involved, and at least a little less ego.

I'm prepared to leave the politics aside. Forget whether he's right or wrong. Forget about the political issues altogether. Just imagine what would happen if he made a movie on...I don't know...puppies.

Let's review his likely steps:

1. Dress like an unpopular college Freshman. Perfect.

2. Grab a camera guy, and ambush pet store employees, interrupting them as they work. Ask all the tough questions, like 'what type of puppy is your favorite', and make sure you capture yourself in every shot. There's no reason to have the person you're interviewing more than half the screen. Edit the footage to make them look corrupt and irrational.

3. After filming yourself for a few months, add a few shots of actual puppies. Make sure you're the one holding the puppies in the scene.

4. Include a short animated film where the president stomps on puppies.

5. Run up to random politicians while they're walking through the street with their families. Demand answers as to what 'Washington' is doing for puppies. Claim the moral high ground. Have at least one shot of someone walking away, ignoring you.

6. Get thrown out by security at least once.

7. Edit the footage down to 187 minutes.

8. Make the DVD. Put a picture of yourself on the cover, wearing a giant puppy outfit. Consider putting actual puppies on the cover as well. Decide against it.

9. Win 20 awards.

10. Die. Just...die.


NEXT WEEK: CIRCUS PEANUTS...wait, what?

Down to the Nitty Gritty

We've only got a few genres left for the best/worst movies list, so let's make them count!

Oh, and I forgot to include 'First Blood' in the list of action movies that almost won. It's the first Rambo movie, and it's fantastic, mostly because it really isn't a Rambo movie. It's about post-Vietnam America, and its hostility towards the veterans after they came home. How that transformed into a series that inspired that scene in UHF, I'm not sure.

I also forgot to include 'Pirates of Penzance' in the list of comedies that almost won. If 'musicals' had their own genre in this list (I didn't include it because it crosses too many different types of movies) this would have won.


BEST HORROR MOVIES

Horror is a weird genre. It can mean many things to different people. Hell, horror is close to 'suspense' in many ways, except instead of a tense courtroom scene, Jason breaks a teenager in half.

Okay, it's not exactly subtle, but it's a genre that's always been with us and always will be with us, as long as the censors allow it. Of course, it isn't so much because they're great movies, but because they're cheap to make, and always draw crowds. Here's the best of them.


Honorable Mention: Evil Dead 2

Evil Dead 2 can really be seen as the 'upgraded' version of Evil Dead 1, and in either case, they were moldbreaking movies. They combined horror and comedy, along with exciting cinematography and special effects. Of course, the real reason the movie is so great is because it's almost a superhero movie as well. Instead of following a villain, the movie follows a larger than life hero, Ash. Of course, this hero is far from invincible, but he never backs down from the forces of evil, and you sympathize and cheer him on during every step of the adventure.

Yes, Army of Darkness was also really good in exactly the same way, but Evil Dead 2 seems to do more with less, and unlike Army of Darkness, never really betrays its genre by falling into ridiculous madcap comedy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Evil Dead 2 is a better horror movie, in the pure sense. If you can really consider a horror movie 'pure'.


Best Horror Movie: The Birds

Better than Psycho and Vertigo combined, 'The Birds' is one of the most unique horror movies ever made. On paper, it sounds ridiculous, worthy of only a midnight silly movie marathon, but Hitchcock pulls it off with style. It's beautiful, suspenseful, and despite all logic, successfully makes birds seem scary.

It's admittedly a little slow at the beginning, but all Hitchcock movies are. It's his way of building suspense, until it escalates into a horrifyingly violent and gruesome finish.

Of course, what really makes 'The Birds' work so well isn't just that it makes birds scary, but that it exposes our own vulnerability. We think we're perfectly safe, living our peaceful lives in the middle of suburbia, but all it would take was a single attack, even by something as seemingly innocent as birds, and we'd be torn to pieces.

We've grown soft. Not only as a race, but as a culture, and Hitchcock exposes this vulnerability in masterful fashion.


Almost Made the List:


Darkman (an underrated horror/thriller with a hero that rivals Ash, merely out of pure rage. I'd still like to know how he pronounces words so well without lips though. Look for Bruce Campbell's cameo at the end.)

Deathrace 2000 (Roger Corman's best, which is kind of like saying 'Newark's best tourist attraction', but he does a really good job here, mostly in thanks to David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone. You know what you are? A BAKED POTATO!)

Army of Darkness (a gloriously immature film, with all the action and comedy you could ever want, with a completely believable and sympathetic hero that embodies the perfect 'macho guy' persona. There's a completely unnecessary rape scene though, which really spoils the zany, fun atmosphere. I'm not sure what that was about.)

The Shining (the closest of all the 'almost won' movies to winning, in any category. It fell short simply because it's more 'visually stunning' and 'brilliantly performed' than actually horrifying or scary. At most, it's just startling and confusing. It's still a fantastic movie though, and no matter what anyone says, it's better than the book.)

Child's Play (before Chucky was driving Britney Spears off cliffs, he actually starred in a wonderful movie. A good deal of the suspense is lost now that everyone knows 'Chucky' is alive. In the first movie, it seems at first that the kid who owns him is killing everyone...until the brilliantly startling scene where Chucky comes alive.)

Wicker Man (almost a suspense movie, but it manages to cross over into horror. Ignore the Nicholas Cage remake, we're talking about the original here, starring Christopher Lee. It's the only good horror movie I know that's about human sacrifice, and not fantasy sacrifice either, but the way it actually used to be.)

Halloween 1 & 2 (1 is better than 2, but the movies work great as a double feature. It's far more realistic and subtle than the other 'unkillable' maniac movies, which is why I really like them. The musical score is legendary, and the opening scene is thoroughly disturbing in every possible way.)

Freddy Versus Jason (It's better than any other Freddy or Jason movie, although it's more 'silly' than 'scary'. Freddy steals the show, but Jason works well as his foil.)


WORST HORROR MOVIES

Dishonorable Mention: Q

It'd be the worst if it weren't so laughably horrible. David Carradine acts as if he's performing at gunpoint, ready to run out the door at any moment, in a desperate move to remove himself from the movie.

Okay, the movie is about a 2 bit hood who is easily the least likeable character in all movie history (although for some reason I get the feeling he was supposed to be a 'funny' character) who finds the nest of a giant killer bird, that a killer cult is sacrificing people to. That's about it really. There really isn't much else to say. The special effects are hilariously bad, with stop motion special effects...in a 1982 movie. If it were only a little funnier, it'd be a parody. As it stands, it's merely an incredibly feeble attept at a horror movie.


Worst Horror Movie: Anything with Psychopathic Snobs

My least favorite genre of all time, which includes Natural Born Killers, the Devil's Rejects, The Doom Generation, and virtually anything by Rob Zombie.

The Psychopathic Snob genre is built on the idea that serial killers are really neat people that we should all emulate. The movies don't stop at glorifying violence, but portray the serial killers as renegade folk heroes, who can hardly be blamed for the occassional moral lapse, such as beheading a hooker.

How could they possibly justify this opinion? The core of the Psychopathic snob genre is built around this idea: "It's alright for me to murder people, because 'blank'."

Blank could be a disfunctional youth (which ignores all the people with childhood problems who didn't grow up to be cannibals), but that's not nearly as disturbing as the almost common excuse that it's okay to be a psychopathic killer, because other people are worse.

The 'worse' people are guilty of crimes including, but not limited to: being rude, demanding payment for goods and services rendered, being poor, having sex out of wedlock, taking drugs, having innapropriate relationships with farm animals, taking bribes, being mean, and having different political opinions than the director.

The essence of the psychopathic snob genre is the same as a superhero movie. The director sees people he doesn't like and thrashes out at them with pitiless murderous thugs, represented as nothing less than princes among men, which only goes to show how warped and disturbed the minds of the creators really are. It humanizes the maniacs by dragging everyone else down to their level, until good and evil are meaningless, and all that matters is who looks the coolest while disembowling innocent civilians.

If you think any past or childhood trauma can justify mass murder, you should not be allowed to make movies. Yes, that includes you, Oliver Stone. I'm telling your mother.


Best Samurai/Western Movie

It's really the same genre. Cowboy movies are an essential piece of American cinema, but the style and stories were lifted directly from the older black and white Samurai movies of Japan. Dark, mysterious heroes, troubled by haunted pasts and besieged by wicked men.

I prefer Samurai movies, overall, mostly because Cowboy movies often seem just a tiny bit cowardly. The heroes are nothing short of pillars of moral and physcial perfection, and the bad guys are so ridiculously bad, that the audience isn't allowed to even consider sympathizing with them. It wouldn't be any worse than action movies if they didn't dwell on it, but Cowboy movies are willing to spend half the movie showing how 'bad' the bad guy is. That's drifting a little too close to the 'psychopathic snob' genre for my taste. Tell a story, show me why the hero is good. Merely killing 'bad guys' is not enough to enoble them.

Anyway, here's the best of both sides of the world:


Honorable Mention: Yojimbo

Very very close to being the best of the genre, but the competition is pretty tough. Yojimbo started the 'wandering' hero movie genre, and has been remade more times than I can even count (although I didn't care for Fist Full of Dollars). Our hero isn't clearly a hero at first, but it unfolds slowly as the movie progresses, as he slowly tears apart two rival crime families, from the inside out.

The hero, Sanjuro, is just as vulnerable and human as he is powerful, making him one of the best heroes of cinema history. Unlike the Clint Eastwood remakes, you can tell that Sanjuro is truly making a sacrifice by choosing to fight, when most other people would run...especially when one of the villains shows up with a revolver. Great movie.


Best Samurai/Western: High Noon

This movie blew me away the first time I saw it. Instead of a young, renegade hero, our Sheriff is just a normal man who stood up to evil...only to see the villain freed by a loophole in the court system. No problem right? Sure, the bad guy is coming back for revenge along with three of the meanest men of the west, but the town will stand along side him and help him bring them down again...right?

Painful truths overcome traditional cinema idealism, as the town in which he saved slowly, one by one, begins to abandon him. Everyone encourages him to run, because no one wants to stand and fight, not when he's the target of the danger, instead of the town itself. Gary Cooper gives the performance of a lifetime, as the heroic Sheriff who discovers that the town he saved...isn't willing to save him in return, not when they seemingly don't need to.

Without giving too much away, our hero spends the movie trying to gather support of the town and his new bride, only to find them distant, and his wife (who is a pacifist Quaker) not understanding why he doesn't run. One of the best lines of the movie is from the main character's ex-girlfriend, to his new bride, after the bride asks why he's fighting, when he could just easily run. In response, the ex says,

"If you don't understand, then I can't explain it to you."

In a genre that's all about smashing the hero's nobility right into your face, it's wonderful to see a movie where his heroism is subtle, and Gary Cooper plays the part with masterful ability. The main song 'Do Not Forsake Me' is synonymous with the genre thanks to this film, and the last twenty minutes are arguably the best final act in movie history. Your jaw will not leave the floor until the ending credits.


Almost Made the List

Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood's best, with some of the most flawed and believable characters in the genre. If it were only a little faster paced, it might have won.)

Sanjuro (the sequel to Yojimbo, and almost as good. The ending scene is nothing short of spectacular, although the rest of the movie is slightly forgettable.)

Seven Samurai (destined to make the list, but a little too depressing and downbeat to make it one of the best. Still, Kurisawa's directing is some of the best in cinema history.)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (a very good movie, although I'm not convinced that Clint's character is as good as the movie suggest, and the 'bad' character is a little tacked on. Eli Wallach's character, 'the ugly' really steals the show, as we see he's bad, although not quite evil, and the movie thoroughly shows how he got that way. I'd go as far to argue that he's the real main character of the movie.)


WORST SAMURAI/WESTERN


Dishonorable Mention: The Magnificent Seven

Wha-wha-what?!!!

Nope, I'm standing by that assessment. It's a bad movie. It's shallow and cowardly in all the ways I hate the Western genre for. What really makes it stand out as a poor movie is how inferior it is to Seven Samurai, the movie it was based on. In all honesty, this is really what drags the movie down. Watching the director and actors attempt to recreate a masterpiece into an American cowboy movie is heartbreaking. It's like watching someone try to 'fix' the world's largest house of cards while wearing mittens. Only it drags out over several hours.

Unlike Seven Samurai, the movie doesn't stay long enough with any one character for their personalities to really shine through. Most of them are summed up in short, shticky scenes, where they're personified by a personal trait, rather than their personality.

The bad guy is not only completely unbelievable, but idiotic as well. He degrades down to a Saturday morning cartoon style villain, where the story has to include 'excuses' for him to keep sparing the heroes, to keep him from easily winning.

I didn't enjoy a single moment of this movie, and I can't see how anyone really can.


Worst Samurai/Western: The Gunslinger

Roger Corman at his worst. Yes, Roger Corman decided he could make a western. It's so bad, it's almost laughable, if it weren't so boring.

You'll call every plot twist long before they happen, you'll cheer when the supposedly 'sympathetic' characters get gunned down, you'll laugh at the horribly disastrous continuity and direction errors, and finally, you'll wonder who's still alive in town at the end. Isn't everyone dead? Is the new Sheriff the Sheriff of himself now?

Yeah, that's an MST3K joke, but it's the only way to watch the movie. If only they MSTied the Magnificent Seven...


BEST FAMILY MOVIES

Murder, mayhem and Muppets. What better genre to round out the list?


Honorable Mention: Spirited Away

A brilliant and thoroughly enjoyable masterpiece, filled with fantasy, childlike wonder, and a believable main character that isn't an idiot, despite being a child. The violence almost keeps it from being a family movie in the traditional sense, but it's not like 'Alice in Wonderland' is much better. Uplifting and entertaining, with very well defined characters and brilliant imagry. As a bonus, despite being a Japanese import, the voice acting in the dubbed version of the movie is some of the best I've ever seen. It's a must see for the whole family.


Best Family Movie: The Incredibles

Pixar never fails to disappoint, and the incredibles is their best movie of all. I can't think of a movie that's just as entertaining for kids, parents and teenagers all at the same time. It's the closest thing I've seen to the 'perfect' movie, in the sense that it has something for absolutely everyone.

Honestly, it's really hard to find anything wrong with the movie. Some of its plot hooks are a little silly (legally, you can't hold it against someone for saving your life...although you might be able to argue that they weren't legally qualified to attempt), what's with all the really short characters, and...Gazer beam? Who thought that name was a good idea?

Really I'm just nitpicking. It's hilarious, action packed, exciting, and includes the best villain in Disney history. The Incredibles also goes a step further, and actually succeeds in being poignant, and brave enough to suggest that it's alright for people to excel, and be better at things than other people.

"Everyone's special, Dash."

"That's the same thing as saying no one is."

Oooo...and that line was from a kid. Priceless.


Almost Made the List:


Most of the Muppet Movies (They're all great, but not quite as great as the original Muppet Show or Sesame Street.)

All the Wallace and Grommit movies and shorts (they haven't made a bad one yet. If you haven't seen 'Curse of the Were-rabbit', I'd go check it out now. Right now. Go to netflix. I'll wait.)

Aladdin (most of the newer Disney films are really good, but Aladdin's the best of them. It's hysterical and fun for the whole family. Beauty and the Beast is also really good, and Hunchback of Notre Dame was much better than expected.)

Nightmare Before Christmas (a difficult movie to define, but overall the most pleasantly disturbing family movie ever made, to boot. Everything about this movie is great...if only it weren't so over-hyped, it might have rated better.)

Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (they're both great, although the newer version is barely a family movie. Gene Wilder manages to outperform Johnny Depp, although the second movie was more thoughtful, and loyal to the original book. If we were looking for a movie where the remake was just as enjoyable as the original, this would probably have won, right alongside...)

The Christmas Carol/Scrooge (I prefer the musical, but they're both very well made, and enjoyable for the entire family. My only complaint with the original is that the 'poor' Bob Cratchett appears to be living in a mansion, and my only complaint with the musical remake is that I now pray nightly for Tiny Tim's death.)

Wizard of Oz (just a silly family movie, all things considered, but a great one)

The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao (a little ridiculous, racist, preachy and slow to start, but the movie really succeeds in showing us now only how/why the people are bad, but also how they can change, not only for the good of the town, but for their own good as well. Yeah, it's preachy, but they actually have something worth preaching.)


WORST FAMILY MOVIE

*dons protective gear*


Dishonorable Mention: Princess Mononoke

I hate this movie.

The main characters aren't believable, the strong and independent princess is quite weak and in need of a man to save her, just like in most anime. Japan wouldn't know a strong female character if it hit them in the face...okay, Chihiro in Spirited Away was good, but that's it.

The worst part of the movie is it constantly beats you over the head that nature is magical and wonderful, and that humans are horrible monsters for destroying it.

Listen: nature is a brutal and heartless place, and giving animals noble personalities doesn't change the fact that there isn't a single pig on earth that wouldn'd eliminate an entire species in exchange for a mouthful of food.

Animals aren't noble. Only people have the ability to be noble, and the movie misses that point even worse than 'Ferngully'. Plants and animals don't have thoughts, beliefs or morals, and giving the 'nature spirts' deep meaningful personalities and tragic deaths merely belittles humanity.

Sigh...I don't want to go too much on a rant here (we don't need another political blog), but Princess Mononoke focuses on how bad we are to the animals...and you know what? I don't care. Fuck that giant wild boar. What's he ever done for us? The real issue is how destroying the environment hurts ourselves, and our fellow human beings. This movie couldn't missed the mark more if it tried. I could have forgiven it if it were actually entertaining...but it isn't.


*ducks*

*bricks thrown by fanboys fly over head*


Alright, it's now time to alienate the rest of my readers.


Worst Family Movie: Miracle on 34th Street (original or remake, doesn't matter)

There is no Santa Claus. There just isn't. I'm not anti-Christmas, but this movie is based solely around lying to children. What about those ones who've almost stopped believing? Those are the ones the movie rushes in for, to ensure that they'll keep believing no matter what...

Sick. Sick. SICK!

There's something seriously wrong with this movie. Oh sure, there's many Santa Claus movies, and 'Polar Express' wasn't much better in many regards, but this movie insults me on a moral and spiritual level.

The worst is the big final speech, where the lawyer states to everyone, in the middle of court:

"Isn't a small, wonderful lie better than a hard, painful truth?"


NO!

NO!

NO!

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I wish I could've been in that courtroom. How dare he suggest, in a court of law, that lies can replace the truth. That horrible ugly truths are inferior to the shiny, wonderful tripe that he's selling. That convictions and deeply held beliefs are just 'too hard' to deal with, and explaining every difficult situation with a colorful 'magical' answer is so much better.

This movie sickens me, especially since it's targeted at kids. For an antedote, read or watch Terry Pratchett's Hogfather. That book also explains why it's important to have Santa Claus and believe in him, but it also explains why. It isn't just an easy little lie to tell kids, simply because telling the truth is more difficult.

That's really the essence of the movie: Santa Clause is great because it's easy. Not easy for kids, but easy for adults. It's easier than convincing kids to be good without reward or punishment. It's easier than accepting the fact that most bad deeds go unpunished. It's easier than accepting the world for what it really is.

That's just sick.


Well that about wraps things up! All that's left for next week are...TWO BONUS GENRES YOU WOULDN'T EVEN THINK OF! DUN DUN DUN! ^_^

YET ANOTHER BEST/WORST MOVIE RANT

BEST DRAMA

The categories drama, mystery and suspense are a little difficult to divide up, but ultimately I've decided to have drama as one category, and mystery/suspense as another. The only real difference between mystery and suspense being whether you know who the murderer is or not. Anyway, here's drama.

Honorable Mention: Casablanca (1942)

A classic, and for good reason. Bogey's at his best, improvising lines that are now considered classic (if you read the original script, you'll find that none of the really good lines in there). Everything about the story is completely believable, from the hilariously creepy French policeman, to the heartbreaking romance, to the suprisingly well portrayed friendship between him and Sam (it's unusual to see a cross-race friendship in older movies without them relying on master/servant undertones...in fact, it's unusual to see it even now), and fantastic performances all around. It's subtle, believable, and deep. A must see.


Best Drama: Miller's Crossing (1990)

When will Hollywood get it? The best heroes are VULNERABLE. Not weak, but human, and prone not only to make mistakes, but also fail. This story is about imperfect human characters, one of which is having a crisis of conscience, which he himself describes as being similar to running through the forest, trying to catch his hat. Again, it's subtle and brilliant, with a perfect atmosphere and as many laughs as there are tears.

As an added bonus, watch for John Turturro's character (you might remember him as the wacky federal agent in 'Transformers'), who skates the line between lovable, detestable and pathetic with flair. His begging in the woods is nothing short of the greatest instance of begging in movie history.


Almost Made the List

Metropolis (the greatest silent movie ever, but a little too slow to rate higher, as it was filmed before the invention of 'pacing')

Godfather 2 (I don't care for the other Godfather movies, but the second is brilliant, mostly in part to Deniro...no offense Mr. Pacino)

Scent of a Woman (See? There was no offense. His last speech is pure gold, and falls somewhere between a furious tirade, and a heartbreaking confession. The co-star couldn't out-act a brick though, so it's not worth a victory)

12 Angry Men (a very good movie and an excellent play, but some of the actors are a little lacking...but only by a little bit)

Citizen Kane (incredibly dense, but very well performed by everyone involved. The scene between Kane and his last wife, where their marriage finally falls apart, is perfect)

Touch of Evil (Orson Wells is back again, this time as a sympathetic villain that rivals Turturro's. Rivals, but doesn't quite defeat)


WORST DRAMA EVER

Dishonorable mention: Parts, the Clonus Horror (1979)

This movie is just plain stupid. They clone people for extra organs, but create this isolated community to hold them in, feeding them lies to keep them under control. Where's the payoff? Isn't it easier to just replace people than cloning backup organs for them? Can't they just clone the organs and not the rest of the person? Why not keep them lobotimized (they lobotomize the clones if they become unruly, but they never explain why they don't do this from the start)? Why lie to them about the world? Why not tell them the truth, but keep them isolated until you need them? None of these questions get answered, and instead we watch Peter Graves be evil, and the secret organization work like idiots. They don't even have security cameras in the offices, for Got's sake.

As a bonus point, as stupid as this movie sounds, the creators of the recent movie 'The Island' decided to rip the concept off completely, right down to every stupid twist. The movie bombed, and they got their pants sued off. Sweet. If only the same fate befell...


Worst Drama: Patch Adams (1998)

I don't blame Robin Williams for this movie. He did what he could with it, and gave a better performance than in Bicentennial Man or Jack. This movie was garbage from the ground up.

It starts off fairly well, as we see some honestly funny scenes with the impatient and flawed Patch Adams, but the world quickly divides into two groups: satan worshipping baby killers, and people who worship Patch Adams as the second coming of Christ.

This trumped up, shameless ego pic is about Patch Adams being zany, breaking all the rules, committing countless criminal offenses, and being worshipped for it like a God. I hate Patch Adams. Not just the movie, but the man himself. He even put in the tragic death of his real life lady friend, only to reveal her darkest secrets to the moviegoing public, and exploit her death as a cheap excuse for his own soul searching. Fuck you, Patch Adams. She deserved better.

For Christ's sakes, even the dying angry patient, who turns around and becomes happy, spends his last moment with...his wife? Kids? Priest? No! Why Patch Adams of course! God's gift to the world, to be loved unconditionally, and act as both our personal jester and surrogate priest. Remember, any mention of God, religion or spirituality is prohibited in this movie, as nothing is allowed to take any attention or love away from Patch himself.

Haven't had enough? The big trial at the end is BS. In reality, they weren't trying him for his 'renegade' hospital or his methods, they were trying him for stealing supplies and hospital funds! That's a pretty good reason to have a trial, all things considered.

Everything about this movie is shameless and dumb, but it's not really Robin Williams' fault. His only crime was not turning the part down. This movie would have been nothing without him.


BEST ROMANCE

I admit, this category is a little light, just like Sports. Perhaps it's because romances don't actually work the way they do in chick-flicks. Of course, real fights don't work the way they do in movies either, but at least you get explosions and guns being fired while leaping through the air. Chick-flicks get conversations. Great.


Honorable Mention: Annie Hall (1977)

Every Woody Allen movie is a completely honest confession. Understand this, and you'll understand the man. His personal failings aside, Woody Allen is a brilliant director, who took a mediocre concept for a murder mystery, and instead turned it into a completely neurotic romance that borders on being the most honest in movie history. It isn't always pleasant or pretty, but from beginning to end we see a romance build up and ultimately fail, and their failures and difficulties are always created by themselves, rather than chance or circumstance. It's hilarious, brilliant, and it even includes Shelley Duvall in a see-through t-shirt.

There will be a time and place to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush, but now is not the time...but didn't anyone else think she looked cute in 'The Shining'? No? Huh.

As a bonus, there's a scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen panics when he's supposed to accept a big award, and ultimately doesn't go because he's afraid. What's the bonus? Annie Hall won 'best picture' at the Oscars, and he did exactly the same thing in real life. As I said, Woody's movies are all confessions.


Best Romance: The Princess Bride (1987)

Yeah, it's not a romance in the traditional sense, but it isn't really a comedy or fantasy either. This movie is about love, not just the love we feel during romance, but the love we feel for our family as well. Imigo's love for his father is just as important as Westley's for Buttercup, and drives the plot along perfectly. Cary Elwes gives the performance of a lifetime...actually, everyone involved does. Mandy Patinkin (Imigo...yeah, his name's 'Mandy'...poor guy) really steals the show though, and helps the 'action' elements hold up. It's so classic there's no reason even to quote it. We all know it by heart.

Why do I consider this movie a romance? Because the movie wouldn't have been great if the romantic aspects weren't so believable, mixing need, desire, bitterness, faith, and devotion in perfect harmony. It would have still been alright, but the romantic aspects bring the movie to life. It's the chick flick we can all agree on.


Almost made it:

West Side Story (arguably better than Romeo and Juliet itself, but the romantic aspects fall flat in places. The smaller support characters really drive the show)

My Best Friend's Wedding (painfully honest and bittersweet, just like Annie Hall, and it's Julia Roberts' best...which is kind of like saying a movie is Keanu Reeve's best, but what the hell?)

Sleepless in Seattle (I'm not a Tom Hanks fan, but he works well in this movie. What works best is they take time to show both sides of the romance, which is always believable...except in Bill Pullman's pathetic 'nice guy' acceptance at the end. Come on Lonestar! Grow a pair! At least get drunk and punch the waiter, for Christ's sake.)


WORST ROMANCE

Dishonorable Mention: Titanic (1997)

What a horrible movie. Mediocre performances all around, a villain that they refuse to allow to be sympathetic in any away (just like in Patch, they won't let anything detract from the main romance), with an INCREDIBLY long run time. The boat sinking scenes are fine, but anything involved in the 'romantic' aspect of the plot is pathetic. Almost as pathetic as...


Worst Romance: Moulin Rouge! (2001)

It takes a special amount of shamelessness to have an exclaimation mark in your title. Instead of celebrating this shamelessness, like in 'Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!', Moulin Rouge acts like a drama geek with a moderate to severe cocaine problem.

The musical numbers aren't bad, but the movie constantly expects to be wacky-zany and be taken completely seriously as well. One scene the main girl is whoring herself out to strangers, the other she's dying, the next she's falling in love with the hero, only to then bounce around like a pogo-stick. The movie simply tries to do too much, and be too much. No matter what mind set you're in, you're going to leave disappointed, as the movie can't decides what it is, ultimately making it nothing.

Yeah, it hardly seems enough to make it 'the worst', but the last straw is their constant repetition of the phrase 'truth'. They say everything about their life and work is about truth. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it. Bullshit. Their version of truth is that lovers stay together in perfect relationships forever, are paid ludicrous sums to sing and dance, and should be revered every moment for it.

The villain (who I fully empathize with) thinks the truth is that the kid is a nobody, the girl's a prostitute, and since he's paying for everything, including her services as a prostitute, then he should recieve the goods, services and sexual favors that he's paid good money for.

Can we really blame him?


BEST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE

I'll admit it, I love these movies, especially old film noir. Good acting, great directing, great plots (although the sex and controversial parets of the original stories are always cut out), and gloriously sexy women who didn't have to show a lot of skin in order to get men interested. Anyway, here we go:


Honorable Mention: Laura (1944)

This used to be my all-time favorite movie, and it's still my second favorite, overall. It's a brilliant story that may sometimes seem clicheyed, simply because this is the movie where all the cliches come from. They all were stolen from here. It's a standard detective story, with the hero falling in love with the girl, only this time the girl's already dead. As our hero unravels the events of her life through a series of flashbacks described by other people, he begins to fall in love with her personality, even though he's only seen her through her large portrait. Clifton Webb is hilariously icy, and a young Vincent Price plays a charming lady's man (if you can believe it). The main detective is cool, calculating and like in all great movies, subtle. He doesn't shout his feelings. You have to infer them from his actions. The movie honestly gets better every time I see it, and is dwarfed only by...


Best Mystery/Suspense: Murder My Sweet (1944)

This movie is perfect. Everything about it is fantastic, and Dick Powell portrays Detective Phillip Marlowe better than any other actor in history, Bogey included. The plot is tight and hilarious, with good amounts of suspense and classic lines, such as:

"He was doubled up on his face...in that bag-of-old-clothes position that always means the same thing: he had been killed by an amateur. Or by somebody who wanted it to look like an amateur job. Nobody else would hit a man that many times with a sap."

It's a great detective story that's just as funny as it is exciting. Phillip Marlowe started the 'detective monologuing' cliche, and nobody does it better. It's a must see for all detective movie fans, and the book it's based on, 'Farewell My Lovely' is just as good (although the ending is very different). It's my favorite film of any genre, hands down.


Almost made it:

Going to be a lot. Sorry...

Chinatown (Jack Nicholson is fantastic, and it's far more realistic and tragic than your standard detective movie)

The French Connection (almost an action movie, with one of the best car chase scenes of all time, and a spooky ending I did not see coming)

White Heat (James Cagney becomes a mobster movie legend, and for good reason. He's so believably unhinged, it's frightening. It's fantastic from beginning to end, and the hero is really an afterthought. It's all about the villain here. "MADE IT MA! TOP OF THE WORLD!")

The Professional (The oddly offputting romantic untertones aside, this movie is brilliant. It's a bizarre tale about a loveable assassin with a minor mental disability who adopts a 12 year old girl who falls madly in love with him (although his feelings are always platonic), while thwarting a hilariously over-the-top corrupt cop. It's a unique gem, only limited by unsettling feeling throughout)

The Third Man (Brando steals the show as the charismatic villain, but it's also a great movie overall. Be sure to check out the ferris wheel scene. ^_^ The music also compliments things well, and the ending is both sad and poignant. Great flick.)

The Usual Suspects (A great movie that's a little too clever for its own good, but still a great flick overall. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist." Great line. Great movie)

The Big Sleep (a great Bogey movie by any standard, with one of the best final scenes in movie history, but they cut half the plot out of the movie to make room for more romance. Even with those deleted scenes, you won't understand anything if you haven't read the book. Hell, half the plot points don't make sense unless you understand that the first murder victim is both a pornographer and a homosexual, and since it's an older movie, both points were completely cut out)

The Maltese Falchon (if you're looking at drama/suspense, you're going to get a lot of movies that start with 'the'. Bogey is once again fantastic, with another great ending, and surprisingly believable plot. Every detective movie like this usually ends with either the hero falling madly in love with the girl, or the girl turning out to be pure evil. This is one of the rare movies that has the courage to do both.)

Road to Perdition (underrated film, with great direction, and fantastic scenes between Tom Hanks and Paul Newman. Both actors go against type, and add a lot to the movie, which would have been great in any case. We also learn an important lessons for gunfights: don't hide behind anything made of glass.)


WORST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE

Whew! Never thought I'd get through the 'almost made it section'. Here's one that definitely didn't make it:

Dishonorable mention: The Big Sleep (1978)

But Max, you said this movie was good!

Check the year. Yup, in the same year I was born, an ancient Robert Mitchum was convinced that he could play Phillip Marlowe in a modern day update of the story, set in England. Nevermind that the pornographer sub-plot doesn't make sense in the present, that the film is filled with grade-Z actors, that they destroyed the power of the 'little man' death scene, or that they made the bad daughter who's supposed to be gorgeous rather 'plain', and the good daughter who's supposed to be plain rather 'gorgeous'. Really gorgeous, in fact. Everything else is just plain stupid...although it is more faithful to the original story than the 1944 version.

As an added dishonor, Jimmy Stewart...that's right, 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is horribly miscast as the old, dying patron of the hiring family. Every line is warbled out weakly, with no anger, bitterness or passion. Jimmy was simply the wrong man for the job, plain and simple. Has this great actor ever done anything worse?


Worst Mystery/Suspense: Vertigo (1958)

On IMDB, this movie is #39 on the greatest movies of all time. It's considered by some to be Hitchcock's greatest film of all time. My favorite Hitchcock film isn't even in the top 250.

Please, everyone do what you can to fight the war on drugs. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Seriously though, this movie is so ungodly slow you would hardly believe it. If they aren't driving around in cars, listening to pointless stories or hamming it up for the camera, then they're merely setting the story up for one of the stupidest twists in movie history.

Vertigo makes NO sense at any point, from start to finish, and although Jimmy Stewart does an okay acting job, the plot's too weak to support it. The only redeeming part is the ending, where Jimmy's corners the villain, and forces himself to face his fear and relive the worst moments of his life, all for the sake of finding the truth.

This is ruined, sadly, but the horribly unclimactic ending afterwards, that explains and resolves nothing. What happens? How do things resolve? The movie gives you the finger, that's what happens...alright, the very last scene is a beautiful one, with Jimmy standing out on the ledge, but it takes far too long to get there.


Next time:

I butcher more classics, and go on to the final genres: horror, family and samurai/western.

Having said that all in one sentence, I now have to write, direct and star in my own horror/family/samurai/western. Wish me luck. ^_^

BEST AND WORST MOVIES: PART 2

As promised...


BEST PORN


Honorable Mention: World's Bustiest Asian...

Okay, I'm not actually going there. You can thank me later...right after you beat me senseless for going on about the worst pornos ever.

No, I'm not 'going there' in the literal sense. I won't go into that. Instead, I'm going to rant a little bit on the two worst movies that pretended to be serious, artistic, oscar-worthy films, and instead turned out to be Porn. Not even good porn.


WORST PORN

Dishonorable Mention: Caligula (1979)

Okay, picture this...

Wait...on second thought, don't.

Instead, picture an 18 year old Max, finally able to rent 'adult' movies, who doesn't have the guts to actually rent porn. Keep in mind, this is before the internet caught on.

Now, he's looking around the video store and he sees 'Caligula'. It has naked women, it's critically acclaimed, and it appears historical. Naked women and a good movie to boot! Who could ask for more?

Young Max then takes it home, sneaks it upstairs, puts it on, and is immediately scarred for life.

This movie is grotesque. It's not even historically accurate. The incest is really the tamest part. I'm all for sex and violence in movies, but NOT IN THE SAME SCENE. The best parts are merely disgusting, and I really don't want to go further into it.

To quote the hilarious (although it isn't always intentional) Roger Ebert:

"It isn't good art and it isn't good porn."

Ew...still, one redeeming scene, no doubt as a concession to investors (who were probably nearing the torch and pitchfork stage), is in the movie towards the end, involving the Roman senator's wives. It DEFINITELY isn't worth watching for it, but it makes it a little bit better than...


WORST PORN: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Story time once more. Okay, I'm at college, flipping through the channels, and I stop at the college TV station...and it's soft core porn.

Seriously.

It's fully clothed people in masks watching naked people in masks have sex. It'd be more interesting if it wasn't ridiculously 'artsy' and over-dramatic.

Suddenly, there's a little tension as one of the guys in masks (fully clothed, thankfully) is cornered and revealed as an intruder. He's ordered to take off his mask and it's...

Tom Cruise

I nearly passed out. I nearly hurled myself out the second story window, to end the nightmare. No, it was real...and it was Tom Cruise.

I had one of those 'if it wasn't for my horse' moments. My mind's racing. What the hell is Tom Cruise doing in a bad, artsy soft core porn movie?

Then it hits me...Eyes Wide Shut. The movie progresses terribly, with all the horrible acting, and no more nudity. It's bad enough that Tom Cruise is the type of actor who prepares for the role of a doctor by putting on a stethoscope, but nobody brings anything to this movie. How the hell could Kubrick, one of the best directors who ever lived, create a piece of crap like that?!

That's when it hits me. Imagine you're Kubrick. You're an old and famous director, and a dirty old man (all old men are 'dirty old men' by the way). You're in no mood to marry a gold digging, trophy wife. You can't go to a strip club, or it'd be all over the news. The internet is around, but still in the crappy AOL stage.

What do you do?

You direct a movie that's basically nothing but a strip club, and sell it off as art. Genius. It's trash, but the scam is genius. ^_^


BEST COMEDY

Along with detective/mystery, it's probably my favorite genre. Movies are supposed to be fun, and comedies are definitely that...usually.


Honorable Mention: Young Frankenstein (1974)

Of all the movies in the list, this is probably the closest any honorable mention got to winning. Gene Wilder is a comic genius (if he wasn't such a prick in real life, he'd get more acclaim), and his talent, combined with a great cast, hilarious script and top notch directing, all combined to bring us the greatest parody of all time. The 'scalpel' scene near the beginning never fails to crack me up, and if any other actor besides Gene Wilder did it, it probably wouldn't have been nearly as funny. Comedy is ultimately about subtlety and timing, and no movie does it better than...


BEST COMEDY: Clue (1985)

Yes, you probably saw this one coming, but come on:

Tim Currey
Madelain Kahn (In both top comedies, by the way)
Christopher Lloyd
Martin Mull
Michael McKean
Colleen Camp (the ludicrously hot Yvette)
Eileen Brennan

This is a cast that could only produce pure, comic gold, and surely enough they did. The plot is clever, fast moving, suprisingly realistic (everything that happens is certainly possible), and like my top action pick 'Hot Fuzz', Clue keeps escalating, starting off slow and slightly sombre, but by the end it runs like a full blown madcap comedy.

Also like Young Frankenstein, the movie would have only been 'alright' if it weren't for the experienced cast, who play off each other beautifully, with hilarious and subtle performances.

Yes, I'm a major clue fan...and I've even ranted in the past about how only the 'first' ending (the one with the 'one plus two' bit) is the only ending that makes sense...because otherwise how would the murderers know about the secret passage from the Conservatory to the Lounge? It doesn't make sense that they'd find it by chance during the few minutes left alone, and Miss Scarlet was the only one who could possibly know...

Well, you see what I mean. Still, it's a fantastic movie. Also, it cements Madelain Kahn's place as the queen of comedy. You know her rant on how much she hated Yvette? She improvised that on the spot. ^_^


Almost made it to the list

Most of the Monty Python Movies (like the series, the often get a little slow and unfunny at times...blasphemous, I know, but live with it)

Most other Mel Brooks Movies (there are many many great ones, but Young Frankestein is the best)

Oh Brother Where Art Thou (A little too serious, with too many scenes of the 'politicians', but otherwise very good)

MST3K The Movie (Yes, I'm a fanboy, but I'll give them props. The movie is tight, short, entertaining, and you don't need to be a fan to enjoy it. The end credits is the best end credits of any movie, ever)


WORST COMEDY


Dishonorable Mention: Most Adam Sandler movies

God, I hate Adam Sandler. He plays every single part with the same blank, humorless aggressiveness. He's one of those actors who believes he can phone in rolls because he oozes talent, but since he has virtually none, he just comes off as an aloof idiot.

Have a favorite Adam Sandler movie? I guarantee you he was carried along by better actors, to give the impression of talent by having other comedians provide all the humor. He's the Millie Vanilli of comedy. He's Owen Wilson without charm. He's Ben Stiller without personality. He's Rob Schneider without any shred of humility.

Alright, I'll give him Happy Gilmore, but that's it. Everything else is trash.


WORST COMEDY: Nothing but Trouble (1991)

When a man sits down with his friends to watch a movie starring Dan Akroyd, Jim Candy, Chevy Chase, and Demi Moore (back when she was hot)...a man has certain expectations. This is a very talented cast, full of veteran comedians...

So what the hell happened? This movie has all the grotesqueness of Caligula, only instead of nudity, it has wacky sound effects. For some strange reason, I keep getting the odd suspicion that Dan Akroyd's trying to be funny. Maybe it's just me.

An insane old judge with a nose that looks like a penis...yeah, that's the joke...an old backwoods courthouse, and a roller coaster like machine that kills people, debones them, and spits their bones onto a huge pile in back.

The punchline? They mainly target bankers.

Let me know if I cross over anything that sounds funny, because these are the jokes in their entirety. There's no delivery or charm, you're just supposed to be hearing these things, and rolling on the floor with laughter.

Even John Candy cross dressing doesn't do anything for the humor. It's ugly, it's dumb, and they even throw in two giant retarded fat guys in diapers.

Give me any three random highschoolers, a case full of red bull, a computer with a word processor, and a long weekend, and I guarantee you'll have a funnier movie than this one. Jesus fucking Christ...I want to ask Dan Akroyd what the hell happened. I'll even break out the Ouiji board and ask John Candy. Chevy Chase and Demi Moore I expect this from, but the rest...what happened?

I'd rather break a tooth and get a crown, than have to watch this movie ever again.


BEST SCIENCE FICTION

Let's lighten things up with Sci-fi. I have to admit, I'm nowhere as big a sci-fi fan as I am a fantasy fan, mostly because the genre as a whole feels they doesn't have to be entertaining. I'm not sure why.


Honorable Mention: Star Wars (1977)

There's plenty of room for fanboyism here, but really, it's a great movie. For the kids, there's plenty of space ships, laser sword fighting, magic powers, and HUGE explosions! For the more serious, there's a great cast, good plot, and great dialog. Nevermind that the sequels are nothing like the original movie, and that the plot was based on 'The Hidden Fortress' and the atmosphere was lifted straight out of 'Dune'. George Lucas pulled everything together and brought us a classic gem. It isn't the best though. The best goes to someone who took more risks...


BEST SCI-FI: Blade Runner: the Director's Cut (1982)

Blade Runner is a visual masterpiece, considering everything was done with models and light effects. That's right, no CGI or animation at all. That's more than enough to make it worth watching, but the story goes much further, and manages to define the disutopian sci-fi genre with its portrayal of a future that's not bright and fantastic, but crowded, dirty, dark, polluted, and enbridled with a ethically and morally questionable culture.

It's a standard, mysterious androids that look human run amok and kill people plot, but the director Ridley Scott never takes the easy way out, by dismissing them as 'evil'. The movie is designed to show how human the replicants really are, and how inhuman regular people can become, until the differences are minute, and eventually, indestinguishable. Harrison Ford plays the hard boiled detective part perfectly, and Rutger Hauer steals the show as the villain.

Their final scene together on the rooftop is one of the most poignant scenes I can ever remember seeing in a movie, not only for Rutger Hauer's speech, but for Harrison Ford's amazingly subtle reactions, as he himself, as well as the audience, begin to question what we believe.

Alright, it's not only drama. There's more than enough action to keep anyone satisfied, and a little T & A to boot.

Interestingly enough, this is the only movie I can think of where I suggest watching the original version first, and then the director's cut afterwards. The director's cut is better, but it can often be hard to follow, as the plot moves along without waiting for the audience to keep up. The original is much easier to follow, but includes a ridiculously 'super happy' ending, and some unwelcome voice overs that cause the action to stop and sputter. Don't worry, it's definitely worth watching twice.


Almost made the list

12 Monkeys (I'm not a huge Terry Gilliam fan, but this is actually quite good)

Star Trek 8: First Contact (the best of the Star Trek movies. It's quick, easy to follow, and thoroughly entertaining. Best of all: no Shatner)

Serenity (It includes everything great about the series 'Firefly', and none of the bad parts...and yes, there were many bad parts. Deal with it)

Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (Empire got a little dark and artsy, only to slingshot in the opposite direction and become cutesy and dump by Jedi. They're both good, just not good enough)


WORST SCI-FI

Dishonorable Mention: Matrix 2 (2003)

More of an action movie than a Sci-fi, but it counts, and I want those few hours of my life back. The action, actually, is the most serviceable aspect of the movie. I'd even go as far to describe the car chase/battle involving the ghostly brothers, Morpheus, Trinity and the agents as 'awesome'.

It's too bad they felt the need to keep interrupting with French babbling, completely out of place philosophy, pointlessly bland kung-fu action, and a love scene that's almost enough to get me to swear off sex for good.

Like many other terrible sequels, everyone involved gutted out everything that made the original movie great, packed it tightly with pure ego, and marketed it as if it were the second coming of Christ.

I sincerely hope Neo's fight against all the Agent Smiths was supposed to be hilarious. I honestly rolling in the aisles.

The only thing interesting about the movie, and the Matrix series in general, is the moral ambiguity. The heroes pine over the safety and wellbeing of each other, and then go on to happily murder hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people in the Matrix. Sure, they're 'part of the system', but so were they at some point.

I wouldn't harp on it, as it is often necessary, but nobody seems to care the least when countless men, women and children die by their hands. Hell, Neo's climactic rush to save Trinity, only a single person, had to have killed at least a thousand people, most of whom had to mean as much to someone as Trinity meant to him.

The movie is pure self-absorbtion. Not only were the Wachowski brothers completely absorbed by their own arrogance when making this movie (hopefully Speed Racer took them down a few pegs), but the characters in the movie are equally self absorbed, heartless soldiers that care nothing about the innocent, defenseless, or any other lives or feelings besides their own.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to put in a movie, but it does make it hard to take all the 'religious' symbolism in the movie seriously. Jesus wouldn't kill a person even to save his own life. Neo kills a hundred people on his way to work each day. You might also note that in the sequel, he only sacrifices himself after Trinity is dead. Even that reaks of selfishness. It hurts too much to live, so he's going to kill himself. The fact it saves the world is almost coincidental.


WORST SCI-FI: Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (2002)

Sigh...


SIGH......


Say what you want about Episode I and Jar Jar, but it had its moments. Yes, we were all disappointed, but it wasn't a bad movie. Even Episode 3, with its non-stop whining, impossible to follow sword fights and stupid plot resolutions wasn't terrible. I can think of at least three scenes that drew me in.

Why, oh why did Episode 2 have to happen? There's literally NOTHING to see here. Lucas continues to devalue his own worth by forcing deep helping of politics, bland conversations, unimaginative CGI, and climactic battles that consistently fail to live up to the hype.

In every way, you'll be disappointed by this movie. It keeps setting up brilliant 'concepts' for scenes, only to horribly blow the delivery in the worst possible way. It's like watching a comedy bit between Bud Abbot and...well, Jar Jar binks.

The catina scene is shockingly forgettable (with almost no aliens at all), Jango Fett's death is stupid (although not as stupid as some suggest...he just never imagined that every shot would be blocked), Christopher Lee is completely out of place, Anakin is as likeable as a rabid badger with irritable bowel syndrome, and the ending is horribly anti-climactic.

Watch this movie, and Episodes I and III will look a LOT better. Trust me.


Well, that's all the time I have for this week (I spent way too much time on Sci-fi), but we'll be back with Robin Williams. Can you guess which movie of his drove me to call him up and convince him to start drinking again? Stay tuned.