AYN RAND IS THE FEMALE HUNTER S. THOMPSON

More or less.

Anyway, we move on to challenge #4:

4. READ ATLAS SHRUGGED

You know, it wasn't that bad.

Don't worry, I'm not becoming one of those Ayn Rand nuts...on that note, did you know her real name was Alisa Zinov'yevnamakel'andevanabillybofanafifofana Rosenbaum? It was something like that. No wonder she changed it.

Atlas shrugged is more or less the ultimate 'sulk in the corner' for intellectuals. Remember those kids who swore they'd run away from home or die because their parents didn't buy them a new toy or pony? That's Atlas Shrugged in a nutshell.

The best part of the book is actually the most famous (or infamous in some circles). It's actually the speech towards the end of the book that lasts over 50 pages. If it were really spoken, it would literally last over 3 hours, and most of it is repetition.

That aside, if you skim it, you'll find a thoughtful sermon on self reliance, personal responsibility, character, and inner strength. It praises free thought, free enterprise, and justice, while condemning censorship, socialism, and undeserved mercy.

When Ayn says 'live free or die', it's not just a credo, but a threat.

Especially at this stage in history, it's difficult to scoff at her claims that most of society's problems come from people expecting everything to be given to them for free, without receiving any personal responsibility for their own actions, or bettering society as a whole in any significant way. With the recent market meltdown, there's something to be said for this opinion.

So why am I not bowing down and worshiping Ayn Rand right now? Her solutions won't work. Critics made great auditors, but poor engineers. Throughout the ending, her solution is for society to give total control over to intellectuals, and for all military forces to disband. All in all, her solution falls somewhere between Libertarian and laughable.

Regardless, her personal credo, of only taking what you earn, giving no charity or mercy (as by definition, neither is earned), taking pride in yourself, and demanding the right to live free and follow your own path in life, is highly commendable.

Some other noteworthy parts of the book include a terrible train accident that results from the willful negligence of politicians, businessmen, and taxpayers (after Katrina, it's hard to scoff). What really makes the scene interesting (and again, infamous) is that Ayn Rand examines every person within the train, and shows that they each, in some way, were partly responsible for the crash. Overall, they all think 'the problems of society are not my own, so I won't be bothered by them', and then all die in the crash.

Finally, the name of the book gets its own name from another noteworthy scene, where one character tries to convince another intellectual/entrepreneur that they must abandon the abusive and neglectful politicians and businessmen that depend on them for the ideas, products and services they provide.

The female protagonist said that the ultimate metaphor for their plight was Atlas, who struggled and suffered eternally, while carrying the world on his shoulders. She asks: "What would you tell Atlas to do?" and the man says "I have no idea! What could you possibly tell him to do?" and she simply responds "To shrug."

In other words, to toss the world off his shoulders. If they aren't going to give anything back, or do any work themselves, then supporting them is not only torture, but morally and ethically wrong. It's a selfless hero eternally suffering, so that the weak, lazy and greedy can get all the reward, without working for it.

Not a bad book at all...but long. REALLY REALLY long and repetitive.

There, I just saved you 1,000 pages of reading.


5. PUT SELF ON 'HOT OR NOT' WEBSITE

With all that intellectual self indulgence, I realized that I probably needed to be taken down a peg or two, so it's off to the 'hot or not' website. The website name pretty much explains what it is. You post your picture, and anonymous people rate you from 1 to 10.

I decided to use my basic picture, against the black background. Overall, it's my good side, but you still get a good shot of the humongous nose, ears, glasses, bald spot (around temples), and a peak of double chin.

I braced myself for the worst...

Huh. I actually didn't rate bad at all. Perhaps it's because the majority of women on the site are teenyboppers who like older men, or cougars looking for a younger fella. I've found, throughout my life, that I seem to appeal mainly to women furthest away from my age. When working at the mall, I got hit on a little by the shoppers, but only the teenage girls and elderly women.

Hell, one of the teenage Jewish girls, roughly 1/3 my size (who swore she was 18, but I didn't believe her) even asked me out, while 'more or less' sitting on my lap.

I said no...but it took me a second to think about it. What? Hey, I was single for a long time, so sue me. At least I didn't consider going out with one of the grannies. ^_^

Anyway, I've darted around the issue long enough. Here's the breakdown of my 'rating'

My average rating was 7.6 (not bad at all)

15% rated me 1-2

10% rated me 3-4

50% rated me 5-6

25% rated me 7-8

No one rated me 9-10 (not a huge surprise)

Unbelievably, I was rated more attractive than 73% of the guys on the site.

Now, you fellow math nerds might realize that the numbers result in an average closer to 5.2, rather than 7.6, but that's because the site takes into account how people vote overall. In other words, if they know you only give 1-5, or only give 7-10, then they weigh your ratings differently, so the ratings you give more or less come out to a range of 1-10, no matter how you actually vote.

Basically, it seems that I mainly appeal to women who normally don't like the guys on the site. Most of the other guys are teens...so yeah, I definitely think it's the 'older guy' factor. Teenage girls just don't like teenage guys. Can you blame them?

So don't give up hope, fellow geeks! Just look for younger women. Just keep it about 18. No fair chasing jailbait (I'm looking at you, Jenny).


6. EAT A SPOONFUL OF WASABI

Okay, I have to admit, I've gotten off easy for the last two challenges. It's time to really buckle down and do something harsh. I decided to eat a spoonful of wasabi. For those uninitiated, wasabi is a VERY spicy garnish for sushi. Real wasabi is rare and expensive, which is why at normal places they use horseradish. Pure horseradish, colored green.

For personal safety, I decided that I didn't have to actually swallow it all, but had to take a heaping spoonful and put it in my mouth, as if I were eating pudding.

Why? Because I know a guy who did. He'd never eaten at a Japanese place before, and asked what the green stuff was. One of his 'friends' (I'm using the term loosely here) jokingly said it was green pudding. Since there was green ice cream (pistachio) and green sweet dumplings, it wasn't that much of a stretch.

So he took a spoonful, and before anyone could say anything, shoved it in his mouth.

So I went to the Japanese buffet, got a nice heaping spoonful, and while no one was looking, did the same.

Our results were similar.

SWEETFUCKINGMOTHEROFMERCYJEESEHOODLYQUINTUPLESHITFUCKYFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

It was in every corner of my mouth.

It was in my throat.

I could feel it in my nose.

Hell, I could feel it in my EARS.

Soda didn't help, and neither did wiping it off. All that could save me was a frenzied rush to the men's room, past bewildered waiters and waitresses. There, I properly hosed down and scrubbed off the inside of my mouth. Regardless, I was almost sick with agony.

That's it.

I'm completing these challenges to the end, no matter what.

There's no way that spoonful of wasabi is going to be for nothing!


NEXT WEEK: History, agony, bugs, and fiendish thingies!

Oops!

Sorry, lost track of time again.

I was busy watching the new Star Trek movie. For a month and a half. Honest.

Oh well, it's time to go back at it, with what's quite possibly my strangest idea yet! Okay, perhaps it's impossible to be stranger than the train trip one, or the Nerd RPG, but damn it, I'm going to try!

It struck me one day at the gym, while I was waiting for the shower to heat up (I swear, it takes about a full minute to go from ice cold to 'sorta cold'), when I realized how much effort I give each day, just to feel comfortable.

I'm not talking about avoiding significant pain, injury or misery, I'm just talking about those little annoyances and inconveniences that I refuse to live with, or deal with directly.

Why am I spending so much time recoiling away from it? Why not embrace it, just to see how bad it really is?

So I stepped into the shower while it was still ice cold.

ICE cold.

I cannot overemphasize the COLDNESS of the water. The fact I had just finished working out, driving my body heat up, turned the gym shower into a miniature sauna. It was all I could do not to scream, and get the authorities involved.

I tried again the next day, this time in my own home, where I'm free to scream like a little girl as I please. Once more the next day, and I confirmed my suspicions...

It sucks.

Hot water RULES! There's no doubt about it, and I don't plan to voluntarily take a cold shower again...still, it wasn't the nightmarish scenario that sitcoms and commercials want us to believe.

It was at that moment, that I realized the first challenge was done.

1. TAKE 3 COLD SHOWERS

Perhaps it was the ice cold water freezing highly necessary regions of my brain, but I decided to make an official personal challenge out of it all. It was time to stop avoiding unpleasantness, just for the sake of knowing that 'yes, I've done that, and it sucks'.

Now, this isn't an over macho test of fortitude or will. No, none of these tasks are meant to be a measure of anything, except perhaps stupidity, insanity, or (hopefully I fall into this category) open mindedness.

I won't be doing anything obviously dangerous or illegal here, and it can't be anything that I'd do anyway. Some of them might not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, it's downright terrible to me.

On a side note, my sister Amber seems a bit suspiciously 'eager' to help me think up challenges. I guess that's what I get for asking my little sister to help come up with unpleasant things for me to do.

How high will it go? Who knows? Let's just get on with it!


CHALLENGE 2. LEARN BASIC AGRICULTURE


Every once and a while, I'm asked a question about plants, or agriculture. Hey, I work at a garden supply store/wholesaler, it happens. Of course, what not everyone knows is that I'm the computer geek at a garden supply store.

My usual reply to plant/gardening questions is as follows:

"If you show me the plant in question, I will probably...no promises here...probably be able to tell you if it's real or fake. Maybe."

I know NOTHING about plants. Literally NOTHING.

Oh sure, I know the basics, but when someone actually says the word 'photosynthesis', my mind envisions the plant making food from sunlight with miniature cartoony gears, and helpful elves. The science behind agriculture merely baffles me.

So it was time to force myself to sit down and read about it.

I checked out a basic book on agriculture, and was surprised with what I found. I won't bore you with all the details, but plants are seriously twisted life forms.

For example, although plants absorb sunlight and carbon dioxide through their leaves, they eat and drink through their roots. I know it might not seem weird to you, but the thought of plants actually 'eating' through their roots makes them seem more like an awesome Spore creature than anything else.

I learned why crop rotation is important, and how the loss of fossil fuels is going to make feeding everyone a lot more difficult, since you need it to make most commercial fertilizer that isn't waste based. I'd be lying if I said it was an exciting read, but honestly, it wasn't nearly as boring as I imagines. Hopefully all the challenges will be this easy.


CHALLENGE 3. TRY EVERY ITEM A BUFFET HAS TO OFFER

God damn you, Amber.

Okay, it's not fair if I went to a Buffet I was already familiar with. No, this has to be an unknown buffet, filled with mystery, danger, and nearly unlimited lukewarm food.

I settled on a Chinese Buffet near the Monmouth mall. Amber dives into the crab legs like a wolf among lambs, leaving me to sample...well, everything. To make this physically possible, I decided to only take a little bit from each item, and to skip the basic 'filler' items that every restaurant has, like rice, soup, salad, fruit, and generic non-Asian desserts.

My first plate was a collection of assorted sea food and deep fried chicken. All in all, it was fairly innocuous, with nothing really being that bad or good. The second plate was where things started to go wrong. There was more seafood and main courses, but everything was overcooked, lukewarm, and drowned in sauce.

How the hell can something be overcooked and lukewarm?! Honestly!

I decided to take a break from the generic bland stuff and went for the dessert table. An absolutely delicious crab rangoon set me up for the following dish: a red bean dumpling.

This dumpling was nothing short of an atrocity. If possible, I would've called UN sanctions against this dumpling. The insides were burnt and terrible in ways I can hardly describe. During any normal day I would've passed over this questionable 'delight', but no, this was a challenge.

I swear to God, it's the closest I've ever come to actually eating a shit sandwich.

I tried to fight the taste off with sushi, but this wasn't normal sushi. Oh no, this was buffet sushi, which used crab spelled with a 'K', that arrived in tubs from Wisconsin. It wasn't all 'bad' per se, but my stomach was beginning to feel like something was seriously out of control, and the magical stomach elves that help digest food(if my knowledge of human anatomy is correct) all went on strike, leaving me to my fate.

That fate was the raw seafood table.

Now there's an important difference between sushi and raw fish. If these creatures had eyes, they'd be staring at me. With some reluctance, I filled my plate with the last of the food the buffet had to offer.

If I ever figure out how to move pictures from my cell phone to the internet, I'll post the picture of the food that nearly claimed my life.

First up was a clam. I wasn't sure if it was truly raw or merely steamed and then chilled, but besides being rubbery, it wasn't so bad.

Next up was the miniature octopus, with all the tentacles and everything. By this time, my stomach elves were not only on strike, but also chanting 'union' and burning the factory down. I decided to just take a bite of the head. It was really salty, and reminded me of escargot (I've only eaten it once, and it tastes exactly like you'd expect: salty slugs).

The raw oyster was all that was left. The wobbly...disfigured...bizarre looking oyster. After taking a moment brace myself, and a few cheers from Amber, my own personal sadist, I swallowed it whole, in one go.

It felt like I just inhaled a snort of seawater. Besides the spray of salty air, I could also feel the damn oyster wobbling its way down towards my stomach. That'll teach those damn elves. Get back to work! No breaks!

My only distraction from my experience was the 'date' happening at the table next to ours. If you ever wondered who would set up a date at a Chinese Buffet, I saw her. She was the kind of woman who's idea of 'dressing up for the date' was wearing the sort of clothes we wear on any normal given day. She even brought a bottle of wine. To a Chinese Buffet. Classy.

Her date was equally sketchy, and as they attempted mid 40's desperation filled 'small talk', I took it as the best time to leave. I can only pray that the next challenge is a little easier.


CHALLENGE 4. READ 'ATLAS SHRUGGED'

God damn it.

MY MOSH PIT WITH AMBER

Ah, there's nothing quite as invigorating as a Spring concert, especially when you know with absolute certainty that you can easily destroy 99% of the audience without even breaking a sweat.

It's welcome compensation, considering Amber and I were at least 8-10 years older than every other person there. After a short wait in line, where we enjoyed laughing at all the goth-punk kids that had to be dropped off by their mom, and laughed nearly to the point of tears when we saw the kids that had to bring their parents with them, we absconded inside, to stand in place for five hours.

For those that have not heard, it was a Dethklok 'Metalocalypse' concert, which provided a healthy blend of overweight teenage geeks, and miscellaneous headbangers that didn't know what the fuck was happening.

Oh, and jailbait. There was plenty of female jailbait in low rider jeans, low cut t-shirts, and short haircuts, including a particularly cute girl in front of us, that giggled and bounced for most of the concert. If you ever want a fourteen year old girlfriend, then this is the place to go. Me? I'm taken (and I don't like prison).

Anyway, after getting patted down for recording equipment, there wasn't much to do besides listen to the GOD AWFUL opening band, and watch the ironic moshing.

I'm not sure if this is typical, or merely a result of there being a geeky audience, but when it was clear that the normal headbangers weren't interesting in moshing to the opening band (there were two guys, but there's always two guys), a group of kids decided to mosh their own way. Here are some of their 'mosh' moves that they brought to the center of the pit:

1. Duck Duck Goose (the game eventually got so big that security broke it up)

2. Skipping

3. Thumb Wrestling (complete with mass of onlookers, cheering for their side)

4. Seeing how many people they can crowd surf towards the band in a minute

5. Snow-angels

6. The Robot

7. The Macarena

8. The Safety Dance


Without those wonderful crazy kids, we may not have lasted long enough to see the second band, Ministry of Pain, or MOP as I call them. These guys were actually a lot of fun, they knew how to play and sing, and they even let every member of the band sing at different times. Seriously, they were pretty damn good.

The lead singer through his shirt into the audience near the end, and accidentally got it stuck in the overhead lights. He didn't realize it at first, so when he asked 'who got my shirt' at the end of their act, everyone just pointed up.

Their talent made the third (yes, THIRD) opening band all the more painful to watch. They were better than the first band by a hair, but by now the audience was getting impatient, chanting for Dethklok, and shouting 'you suck' at the audience. Back to the ironic moshing.

There was only so long you could watch teenage girls bounce...I MEAN BANDS THAT SUCK. Yes, I meant there was only so long you could watch bands that suck.

Luckily, Brendan Small finally came on and proceeded to rock the ever living shit out of us all. Not only was he fantastic, but the people playing with him were actually teenagers from the 'School of Rock' school of music that a friend of his runs, and they were AWESOME! I couldn't believe how well the kids played. They often switched instruments, each being able to play at least two, and they played rings around the first and third opening band, and they were at least as good as the second.

They played a lot of great Dethklok tunes (including Thunderhorse, Mermaider, Taking it Easy, and Toki's Underwater Friends song), and some standard heavy metal, including a great version of 'You Could Be Mine' sung by a particularly pretty teenage girl. There were plenty of wolf whistles and cries of 'get naked' from the crowd (I swear I'm not responsible), although it probably doesn't reflect well for Axl Rose that they used a girl to sing his songs.

By now the REAL moshing had begun, and Amber huddled behind a hot teenage guy for protection (oh Amby, you jailbait chaser) as I helped protect the small, cute girl in front of me (I don't so much chase as let them come to me).

Although there were a lot of bumps, only one kid actually flew into me full force. I didn't see him coming, but he came to a sudden and abrupt stop after running into me, and then fell directly to the floor. He might as well have run into a wall. ^_^

After helping the poor kid up, I took note of a short Italian guy in the mosh pit. He was 5 ft 3 at most, but broad, about 18 or so, and wore a black baseball cap.

This guy RULED the mosh pit. Remember when I said I could beat up 99% of the audience? I call this guy 1%. If anyone started moshing towards him, he rushed towards them, colliding in the center of the pit, reflecting them away. I swear, this kid was invincible. After a few minutes, the mosh pit was cleared out, because no one wanted to go near him, not even the giant 6 ft 6 musclebound kid.

After playfully mussing up the giant kid's hair (I swear to God, he did), he stepped out at the request of his (or his friend's, it was difficult to tell) hot girlfriend. Bless you 1%, you're doing God's work: beating the shit out of teenagers.

We snuck out a little early, since we were both exhausted, but we both had an amazing time!

Rest assured, when asked the next day how the concert was, we both had the same answer for them:

"WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?"

Good times.

NERRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!

This week's post is either really really short, or really really long, depending on your point of view.

I've finally finished the silly RPG I've been working on: NERRRRRRRRRD!!!

It's a very light High School RPG, with nerd characters, insane bullies/teachers, no death (unless you're expelled, you'll always be back), and more geeky references than I want to admit knowing.

It's here: http://nerrrrd.blogspot.com

I hope you like it! ^_^

Rorschach's Journal

The city is afraid of me...

At least I think it is. It's either fear or hunger. It's hard to see in this fucking mask.

A comedian died in New York. Jerry Seinfeld. It's about damn time! Roast in hell you whiny, jailbait chasing hack!

Anyway, ANOTHER comedian happened to also die in New York. Yeah, and that was...bad...really really bad...

Listen, I know there's a lot going on right now, but I have to talk about Dr. Manhattan. I mean, what the hell?

I have to go over there later tonight to question them, and I just know that the first thing I'm going to see after walking through the door is a giant blue ass the size of an Imax screen.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Why has everyone else accepted this as normal? Did he think if he 'gradually' wore less clothes every week that no one would notice the change? I sure as hell noticed! One moment it was 'Smurf Baywatch', and the next I was standing in the middle of a blue sausage festival!

Night Owl understands...he knows everything...sigh...

Anyway, Night Owl understands. Last time he was over at their place he accidentally dropped his keys next to the great blue wonder. At first he started to lean over to pick them up, but then doubled back at the last second. I swear to God, his head almost bumped into IT.

Then Dr. Manhattan began to lean over to pick them up, and we panicked! Eventually Night Owl just kicked them over to the corner before picking them up himself.

Damn, I mean what's Blue Boy's deal? Is he showing off? Do clothes reduce his efficiency by 0.07%? Hell, I'm more than willing to work there part time to make up for it! Just put on some damn clothes!

Oh well, I guess I better start investigating the comedian's murder and the vast conspiracy revolving around it.

Right after I practice spelling my name.

Roarshark...damn

Rorshank...dang

Thundercat...come on, that wasn't even close! Get your head in the game!

Rorshak...closer

Rorschach...there we go!


Hmm...


Mrs. Rorschach Night Owl

Sigh...

TOP 100 GAMES OF ALL TIME

With so many games, I'm going to edit this list in pieces over the month. Congratulations to Vinny for taking first place in the 'guess my favorite games' contest, and Garret for taking second! Vinny got a Casey Jones golf bag, filled with a few clubs and several medieval weapons. Garret got the mystery suitcase, containing a broken PS2, a copy of Zombies! the boardgame, a few bad DVDs, Star Wars episode 3, and a few pieces of colorful plastic.


100. Elebits

What the game lacks in depth and action, it makes up for with fun.

99. Blaster Master

No other game, in the history of video games, has needed a save or password feature more than this one. Otherwise it was way ahead of its time, mixing tank and overhead shooter action brilliantly.

98. Deus Ex

An incredibly deep game that can almost be seen as the precursor to Fallout 3. The story and gameplay is fantastic, with many ways of handling every situation, but there's something wrong with a game where you can shoot a normal man in the head with a sniper rifle, and he doesn't die (I'm looking at you too, 'Hitman' series).

97. Harvest Moon

A funny and enjoyable farming/dating sim that never fails to entertain.

96. Twisted Metal 2

The best of the series. Blowing up the world was never so much fun.

95. Final Fight

Great, brainless coin munching beat-em up fun. The second level boss still drives me to throw the controller against the wall.

94. Bad Mojo

Brilliantly conceived, if not masterfully executed 'cockroach' sim. Watch out for the cat!

93. Baldur's Gate 1&2

A fun series, but nowhere as good as they could of been. The first had many technology issues, and the second had a very slow story, especially at the beginning. I'd love to play it again, but if I play through that first dungeon one more time, I'm going to cry. The expansion pack for the second included far too many 'instant death' situations to make this list.

92. Mortal Kombat 2

Far from deep, and nowhere near balanced, but the second Mortal Kombat was really the pinnacle of the series. The first was just a little too limited to make the list, and after that, the 'run' button ruined the series.

91. Tecmo Bowl

The best sports game in the world for people who aren't into sports games. A very limited number of plays is made up for by amazingly complete rosters and addictive gameplay. A great example of a game doing the best with the technology they have.

90. Oddworld: Abe's Odyssey

The first Oddworld game was solid, with a highly imaginative and surprising world unfolding before the player. Some situations are more than a little unfair unless you have a cheat guide, but overall, it's a lot of fun.

89. Phoenix Wright 1 & 2

Just what courtroom drama needed: ridiculous anime characters for girls to write fanfics about. The series is not only hilarious and fun, but incredibly Japanese, in an over the top kind of way. The way the hero points and shouts OBJECTION you'd swear he was about to go Super-Sayan. The sequel's a bit better, but they're honestly both good. Harvey Birdman used the same system for his own game, which was a little bit inferior, but still good (it would've made the top 200 list).

88. Kingdom Hearts 1&2

An incredible story and experience, marred only by a lacking battle system. It isn't bad, just not as good as it could have been. It's not user friendly enough for kids, and not deep enough for adults. Both will love the storylines, lavish cutscenes and incredible soundtrack though. I never would've believed that Mickey could have looked bad-ass unless I'd seen him for myself, with a keyblade in each hand.

87. Adventures of Lolo 1&2

I really wish this series would get a revival. It was a delightful puzzle series, that was both challenging and fun. The first game had one of the best ending battles of all time, and the sequel had great co-op play.

86. Rampage World Tour

The re-make was a bit more fun, overall, or at least less repetitive. Both games were kind of repetitive though, but the insane zaniness, great multiplayer action, and delightfully offbeat theme more than make up for any drawbacks. Dibs on Ralph!

85. Gauntlet 1 & 2

In this case, the original was better than the re-make. Focus is less on secret grabbing and character development than your average action/adventure game. The original 2 gauntlet games were all about fun! The wizard does indeed need food badly.

84. Altered Beast

Few games grabbed my attention as a young teen more than this one, and for the life of me, I'm not sure why. Oh don't get me wrong, it definitely does deserve this position, as there's a lot of action and shape-changing fun, coupled with a new special form each level, but the levels are just far too short to warrant a higher rating. I think I was just a lot worse at it when I was young, and took much longer to fully transform. That being said, the dragon form is the best Lycanthrope in the histroy of everything.

83. Grand Theft Auto 3

The series peaked at this title and never quite recovered. The sequel had too many mediocre sub-quests (a killer remote controlled helicopter?), the fourth lacked a good story, and the less said about the most recent addition, with its 'playdate' subquests, the better. So pop this classic in, grab a hooker and go run over a cop! It's all in good fun.

82. Starship Titanic

A lesser known gem written by the late, great Douglas Adams. It's somewhat tedious and immense at times, but that's part of its charm. As far as I know, it's the last point and click game where you have to enter what your character directly says instead of choosing from a list of possible responses, and honestly, those games died out for a reason. Just grab a hint guide when stuck and enjoy the lavish atmosphere and hilarious robots, including a great cameo from John Cleese, as the space ship's self-destruct mechanism.

81. Bioshock

Another game that's not as enjoyable to play as it is to watch, but that's only because of how incredibly enjoyable it is to watch. The difficulty lags a bit behind expectations, simply because there really isn't a penalty for death. As Yahtzee put it (from Zero Punctuation) if there's no penalty for failure, then even the 'big daddies' cease to be frightening. It's definitely worth a play through though, from its originality alone.

80. Star Wars Arcade (old)

A lot of old school arcade fun, and the first arcade game I ever played (I needed a foot stool to reach). Blowing up the death star is always fun, no matter how you do it, and the digitized character voices are simply icing on the cake.

79. Dr. Mario

One of the best puzzle games ever made, marred only by the simplicity of its design. Then again, that's also what makes it so enjoyable.

78. Half life 2

Quite possibly the 'perfect' first person action/shooter game. It would've rated higher, but the story and atmosphere aren't quite as perfect as the game's overall design. In a way, the game might have been underachieving a bit, just to keep in line with what a first person action/shooter has to be. The pseudo-sequel Portal helped overcome this (more on this later).

77. Soul Calibur 2 (arcade)

A slightly above average fighting game that won our hearts with its conquest mode. Not only could you fight your friends, but you could wage wars with them across continents, even when you're not there. Best of all, the computer kept track of your fighting style, and would use it to crush other players. Now you can kick your friend's ass even when you're not playing with him. (I've been informed that Swords4100 apparently rules ^_^)

76. Punch Out

A fun and comical boxing game that honestly has more in common with puzzle games than other sports titles. The characters are all over the top stereotypes, but it's too harmless to be offensive. To this day, the measure of any true red blooded gamer is how far they can get (I can get to Mike Tyson/Mr. Dream, but I can't beat him).

75. Super Mario Brothers 1

The old classic title that still entertains us to this day. The play is a little repetitive, and the remakes with save functions are better, but in any case, playing this game is a real treat, and the first came I beat on my own, from start to finish (honestly, that last hammer brother was harder than King Koopa).

74. Contra

More proof that simplicity of design can trump complexity. The original Contra is a lot of fun, especially in two player mode, and holds up to this day. The giant, over the top bosses are still etched into my mind, especially that damn giant tank. The great series Metal Slug (another top 200 title) owes a lot to the original Contra.

73. Actraiser

Again, I defy you to find a more enjoyable God sim. The side scrolling action sequences are far from perfect, but the real focus is the town creation/RPG elements. It may surprise people that I rate this game higher than Simcity, but it's true.

72. Donkey Kong Country

Great graphics, animal mounts, plenty of secrets, and good old fashioned silly fun make this a must have for any true gamer. Followed by several mediocre sequels, and a delightful 'fake ending' that will send you diving for your controller.

71. Earthworm Jim 1&2

Narrowly edges out Donkey Kong Country, and in many ways it's very similar. The main focus is light, silly action, with a great variety in levels, abilities and offbeat humor. Jim's classic battle with Bob the Goldfish helps edge the game slightly ahead of DKC.

70. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

Another game where its main feature is its nearly perfect design. The puzzles, story and voice acting are also great, and if it fails to reach any higher, it's simply because a lot of the game is a little 'gimmicky', playing almost solely off its main feature, the time manipulation. Assassin's Creed is less gimmicky, but of course, that game has its own flaws to deal with (it's another top 200 game). Still, this game is definitely worth a spot in every collection (the sequels...not so much).

69. Max Payne 1 & 2

I don't care what anyone says, I love this series. It's over the top action/noir, but in many ways it's subtle, and fully lives up to its noir roots. The sequel overplayed the hokey monologues and metaphors, but cleaned up the flaws in the system. Either game is definitely worth playing though, just for the pure gun filled bliss.

68. Mass Effect

Had the game ended halfway through, it would've been about 20 places closer to #1 in this list, with the main flaw being 'short length'. As it is, it feels like a FANTASTIC game packed in a very large box, filled with packing foam. You'll know when you reach the foam. You'll be done with a brilliant gunfight, move on to a deep and thoughtful conversation...only to face a never-ending maze that's exactly identical to the last three mazes you were in, with a guy at the end who's identical to the last one you spoke to). If it weren't for the mind numbing repetition (you'll walk through each level design at least 10 times each) it would've been a much better game. Despite some complaints, I like the elevator loading screens. It sure beats a bar filling up across the screen, especially if Tali's in the party (damn it, the only girl in the party I want is the only one I can't have).

67. Parappa the Rappa and Um Jamer Lami

It's a shame the series really never caught on with mainstream America, but the series is a lot of fun regardless. The levels are original, funny, and will all get you singing. Um Jamer Lami was just as good, if not better, but didn't get as much attention. Remember: kick, punch, it's all in the mind.

66. X-men arcade game

'X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-men' (repeat 10,000 times). The only thing wrong with this action packed superhero game is the soundtrack. Oh, that and...who the hell is Dazzler? Why didn't they use Jubilee? Or Iceman? Or Jean Grey? Or anyone else?

65. Portal

Vicious black humor (the Kurt Vonnegut kind, not the UPN kind), zany teleportation antics, and you a computer AI that you'll love to hate. Be sure to stay for the end credits, and the legendary ending song, sung by the evil computer herself.

64. Star Wars Arcade (new)

Better than the original, with lightsaber mini-games, shootouts right from the movies (the older good ones), brilliant graphics, and wonderful sound. It's almost closer to an experience than a game, and I take it as more proof that Lucas, at heart, is first and foremost a tech/special effects guy. That's why the story is always so mediocre. It's just not his forte.

63. Earthbound

Ah, they just can't make these kind of games anymore. Let's all go out and get some baseball bats so we can beat the local bullies senseless! Good times.

62. Nightshade

If you've never played it, you cannot know how awesome this game is...okay, maybe it's just awesome to me, but it's the perfect blend of humor, action, point-and-click, superheroes, and trench-coatedness. The fact you have to 'earn' extra lives by escaping from traps the villain places you in (before leaving the room, of course) is beyond perfect.

61. Wii Sports

Wii tennis alone is responsible for more smack talking than any two professional sports combined.

60. Final Fantasy 1

I got a little frustrated with this game when I figured out some of the 'tricks' it uses (it's programmed ahead of time how often you receive status ailments, and the leader of the game secretly heals himself every time a member of the party dies), but it's still one of the best balanced and more challenging RPGs out there. This was before RPGs got piss easy. Eternal Sonata, Blue Dragon, Xenosage...whatever, it's all JRPG crap that always means the same thing: in 50-60 hours you'll have beaten this game, even if you have no arms or are 5. Oh, and 45 of those hours will be cut-scenes. Anyway, Fighter, Thief, Black Belt and Red Mage is still my team of choice (with thief being the best class in the game, since they allow you to virtually always choose your battles). The White and Black mage just hit the floor way too damn easily.

59. Super Mario World

This is Mario and Luigi at their 2D prime, and it's also living proof that anything immediately becomes at least twice as cool if you involve dinosaurs, and three times as cool if you get to ride them like a horse.

58. Castlevania 2

This game is really really creepy, made all the creepier as you gather the 'parts' of Dracula by the wonderful 8bit soundtrack, and the incredibly dark endings. The good ending is just okay, with the standard twist at the end (oh what a shock, Dracula isn't dead, who would've known), but unless you've memorized every possible action in the game, it's nearly impossible to get said ending, so you're generally left with the other ending, where you break the curse, but die in the process. Spooky. Also, Simon never looked cooler. It's a shame he trades his awesome red and black outfit for the standard brown next game.

57. Lufia 2

DEKAR IS THE MAN! That's all I have to say. Well, that and the combat system is solid, and the 'extra' bonus dungeon at the end is a lot of fun (if somewhat buggy).

56. Koudelka

The sequels/followup games in the 'Shadow Hearts' series were too JRPG (see above rant) for me. The original was delightfully bizarre with a deep story, interesting battle system, and twisted monsters. How can you not love the fact that the charming old couple tries to poison you early on? The resulting conversation between the two heroes is comic gold.

55. Guitar Hero 1 & 2

"Its more than a feeling...MORE THAN A FEELING! When I hear that old song they used to play...MORE THAN A FEELING! I begin dreaming...MORE THAN A FEELING! Till I see marianne walk away...I see my marianne walkin AWAY!"

If you play air guitar when this song comes on the radio, you're not alone.

54. Robot Arena 2

Another great game you've never heard of. It's admittedly a little buggy (it never got a patch because it came out at the end of the fighting robots craze), but the design feature allows you to freely design any robot to battle in an arena, ala Battlebots or Robot Wars. For the uninitiated, this is simulating real fights between robots actually designed by geeks to battle in arenas. Yes, it's geeky, but damn it's cool.

53. Parasite Eve

It's amazing how well this RPG holds up over time. In fact, it's probably the best 'modern' RPG of all time (by modern, I mean taking place in a modern, realistic setting). A perfect blend of RPG and survival horror. It's a shame the sequel was so terrible, or it might have made it as a series.

52. Knights of the Old Republic

The sequel was sparse, mainly because it was literally only half finished upon release, but the original is solid. Like other similar games, it does suffer a bit from 'first dungeon' syndrome (a giant, linear first level that takes several hours to beat, which makes starting new characters a chore), but you'll be having more than enough fun to make the journey worthwhile. Beware of grinding in the first half of the game. More levels at the beginning means less levels in Jedi later.

51. Fire Pro Wrestling Returns

One of my favorite wrestling games. It's not perfect, but it captures the essence of old school wrestling fun. It's refreshing to have a battle system not built upon button mashing or mini-games as well. No, this is about timing, and it's wonderful simple design makes it much better than any recent WWE game. The only drawback is 95% of the characters are Japanese, and the only Americans you get are the ones that fight in Japan, and it's kind of random. You get Bam Bam Bigelow, Bret Hart, Andre the Giant, many UFC fighters, and most of the WCW crowd, but no Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Triple H, or Rock. Luckily, the character design system is great, so you can add whoever you please.

50. Shadowrun SNES

Not the Genesis or recent version. God no. No, this old classic is a shoot em up blast, and it's an RPG to boot. Yeah, the system isn't exactly balanced (you can literally make your character a cross between the Terminator, John Mclane, and Gandalf) and the spell invisibility makes the last part of the game a joke (which is why I don't use it), and decrypting was turned from a mini-RPG to minesweeper, but it's more than fun enough to get it into the top 50.

49. Lego Star Wars Complete series

Who knew that the Star Wars storyline worked well when silently played out with Lego people? Not challenging, but absolutely hilarious, and a lot of good natured fun. Lego Batman was also great, but a top 200 game, not 100.

48. Mega Man Legends 1, 2 and The Misadventures of Tron Bonne

Another series I wish would get a revival or re-release. These games were all great, not only for the fun gameplay, but funny story. The Bonne criminal family is fantastic, and the introduction of their leader, where he sits down to watch his favorite show, left me rolling in the aisles.

47. Monkey Island 1&2

Speaking of rolling in the aisles, Monkey Island is probably the best 'comedy' game series of all time. The first two were both great, although the great voice acting led the third in the trilogy (I don't count the fourth one, as the control system sucked) ahead in the ratings.

46. Katamari Damancy 1&2

Why don't they run? They have to be able to see it coming, right? Anyway, this game never gets old (although the king's expectations often seem a little out of whack, but are you really going to argue with him?)

45. Quest for Glory 1&2

I didn't like the third (although some people do), but the first two quest for glory games were a great split between traditional RPGs and King's Quest 'point and click' torture devices...I mean games. The character building system requires patience, but it's a refreshing change from a traditional 'level up' system.

44. Deja Vu

You think you're having a bad day? Our hero has no memory, was framed for murder, is constantly hunted by assassins, lives on a street riddled with muggers, and has an unconscious 300lb housewife tied up in his trunk. No wonder he punches women and shoots trespassers without provocation!

43. Resident Evil: The Director's Cut and Resident Evil 2

The game/system is showing it's age, but they're both still great...if you ignore the story, which I do. Unfortunately, the recent remake wasn't so good. I don't mind that the zombies come back to life, but did the system for destroying their bodies have to be so damn complicated?

42. Final Fantasy 4

Seriously, how the hell does Kain jump that high? When you defeat the enemy before he lands, is he doing the victory dance up in the air? I'd really like to know.

41. Super Mario Brothers 2

DAMN THAT FAT BUBBLE SPEWING FROG AND HIS ARMY OF TRANNY DINOSAURS!!! DAMN HIM STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! (on that note, Yoshi...you might want to sit down for this news...)

40. Breath of Fire

None of the later games in the series came anywhere near the quality of the first. Yeah, BoF2 had a great system, especially when you get to build your own town, and the most likable cat girl in video game history (how can you not like a girl who walks around without pants on?), but the needless amount of tragedy in the plot, coupled with a bizarrely unwinnable battle with a macho jerk (that's effortlessly killed by the bad guy later), and the worst 'dragon' system of any Breath of Fire game keep it out of the top 100. The first game is solid though, especially with its highly entertaining character combination system.

39. Sam & Max Season 1 & 2

Sam & Max re-enter the videogaming world with admittedly repetitive gameplay made palatable by the introduction of incredibly original and imaginative settings/scenarios. Only portal has better black humor than this gem (again, the Dr. Strangelove kind, not the Bernie Mac kind).

38. Silent Hill 3

A bit more 'cheery' and 'fan-servicey' than the past games,but at least the main heroine keeps her clothes on. The combat's better than the first two games too. There's just as much emphasis on story as the other Silent Hill games, and although it's far less 'scary' than the first two, it's still an excellent game. Still, something's wrong if a Silent Hill Game isn't 'scary'.

37. Simpsons Hit and Run

What a gem! Grand Theft Auto 3 play style mixed with brilliant Simpson's humor. My favorite moment: after striking a random car, Homer practically sings 'I have no insurance!'

36. Super Mario Kart

The first Mario Kart was the best, in my opinion. This was before the special weapons got far too powerful and broken. For this game, you needed skill, which is something you wouldn't expect, given that the design is definitely more 'kiddie' than serious.

35. Ogre Battle

It just came back to the virtual console! Hoo ha! You'd have to be obsessive to find EVERYTHING, and it's difficult to get a good ending without following the game's bizarre alignment system (being powerful is evil?), but it's all worth it for the great combat and real time strategy. It's a perfect blend of RPG, turn based strategy and real time strategy. Bring on the dragons!

34. Sanitarium

Ah, I remember when games could afford to be this twisted. Even modern Silent Hill games are twisted in a very formulaic and 'corporate approved' sort of way. Back in the day, you could have a point and click game that included walls made of meat, deformed children serving a tree goddess, and lunatics screaming about the imaginary insects swarming around their heads. Good times.

33. Tetris

I'm still convinced this game was a Russian plot to waste American work hours. Dropping blocks to make lines never seems to get old.

32. Sonic 1, Sonic 2, Sonic 3 & Sonic and Knuckles

Yeah, I listed them all together, but they're more or less all updates of the same game. It's a great game, regardless. Infinitely more fast paced than any Mario game of the time, and co-op mode in later games breathed new life into the series.

31. TMNT Arcade game (arcade)

The remakes and re-creations simply can't replicate the pure joy of joining up with three friends to take on Shredder and his goons, especially when you're in shouting distance. Be prepared for fistfights when the kid with full health grabs the pizza.

30. Super Punch Out

Again, less a sports game or fighting game than a puzzle game, but it's a good puzzle game, regardless. The re-make was a bit more polished than the original. It'll be interesting to see what they do in the latest update of this great series.

29. The Guardian Legend

The best game you've never heard of. With just a little tweaking, this could have easily been a Star Wars game, and a great one at that. Overhead adventure, lightsabers, and spaceship shooting stages to boot. It's probably the best blend of overhead shooter and Link-like adventure ever made.

28. Curse of Monkey Island

The third game in the series, the first to use voice actors, and the last that was any good. The gameplay is fun enough to stand on its own, but its the brilliant humor that makes it a classic.

27. Xmen Legends

The sequels and generic marvel remakes do no justice to the original, which was a ton of pure geeky fun. The ability to level up and advance the characters as you saw fit was a nice addition, since it allowed you to choose for yourself which four X-men you wanted in your team...okay, which three X-men to accompany Wolverine in your team.

26. Mega man 1 & 2

Despite all the re-makes and sequels, I keep coming back to the original two Megaman games. You can always tell if a game is truly great (Super Mario Bros) or merely great for its time (Duck Hunt) by measuring how many people still play the game, years later. I don't know about you, but I'm always ready for another chance to blow that smug Wiley straight to hell. For added fun, pretend he's Einstein. I'm not sure why that makes everything more hilarious, but it does.

25. Faxanadu

As we break into the top 25, we start with a game you've never heard of. The game was plagued with a terrible key system (as in lock/door keys), a pitifully easy final boss (a skull with legs?), and no reason to ever upgrade the first spell (ah Deluge, my trusty sidearm), but all that aside, it's a great adventure game that's honestly challenging, and filled with a lot of great hack and slash. It's also kind of funny how all the people are Elves, and all the monsters are called Dwarves. The game runs like a Middle Earth propaganda film.

24. Silent Hill 4

This game got some flack for its combat system, but I say ignore it, and focus on the brilliant atmosphere, the incredibly disturbing imagery, and wonderful characters. Yes, the 'go through the levels again' was a bit of a cop-out, but there's something truly ingenious about a game when you're more afraid of the 'save' room than the combat. Claustrophobic and ingenious, Silent Hill 4 is definitely worth finishing.

23. Resident Evil 4

Edges out Silent Hill 4 purely from improved combat. The first half hour is pure dynamite! Unfortunately, the rest of the game is somewhat lackluster in comparison, but it never stops being fun. The extra arcade-like combat missions, unlocked after the game is finished, adds a lot to the experience. It's definitely a must have, although the escort missions, with little Miss 'Walk Straight into Gunfire' are enough to keep it far from the top 10.

22. Legend of Zelda 1

Not as close to the top 10 as some would imagine...hell, it didn't even make the top 20. Zelda 1 was more groundbreaking than it was fun. Don't get me wrong, the game is fun, just not as fun as some suggest. It's repetitious, has virtually no plot, and several of the items are what I call 'Rafts', meaning they do nothing besides get you to the next level, or allow an item to do something that it should have done from the beginning.

21. Link's Awakening

The far improved story and excellent gameplay helps edge Link's Awakening (for the gameboy) slightly ahead of the original Legend of Zelda. I simply enjoyed playing it more, which goes to show how important plot and story are to a game.

20. Fallout 1 & 2

We start the top 20 with one of the most in-depth RPG/strategy series ever made. The games had some balance issues, and some of the skills were downright useless, but that hasn't kept a generation of gamers consistently coming back for more.

19. Bully

Quite possibly the best 'sandbox' game ever made, and definitely the best one Rockstar's ever created. Call it juvenile, or anti-social revelry, but you have to admit, beating up bullies, kissing the popular girls and becoming king of the school is always a great time. The system does have its limits, and competitive gamers will find it easy, but competitive gamers are paying $15 a month to play WoW, so how much can they know? ^_^

18. Fallout 3

Wow, did that ending suck. I want to go on about how great the combat system is, and how much fun you'll have creating characters and solving quests through many different means (similar to Deus Ex), but I can't get over how horrible the ending is. Basically, it involves the most pointless self-sacrifice since 'Volcano'. Your hero could have easily solved the situation with a BB gun, mutant friend...or hell, even a long stick. Don't get me wrong, I still love the game, but it fell from #6 all the way down to #18, just from the ending and lack of an after-game alone.

17. Wonder Boy 3: Dragon's Curse

I love the shape changing, replay-ability, and the fact it's one of the first and best open world 2D adventure games ever made...BUT WHY DID THEY FEEL THE NEED FOR THE RED STONES?!!! If you haven't played it, you can't know the frustration of having enough gold for items, but not enough 'red stones'. Fuck you pig man! Take the damn money and GIVE ME THAT SWORD!!!

16. Myst

Whew! There's a lot of pent up rage in the last two games. Myst is a nice interlude, as the game exudes tranquility. There's a lot of flowing water, untimed exploration, and little to no chance of death (if you grabbed the power lines or gave either of those maniacs the last pages, then you had it coming). Myst not only entertained us, but mystified us with beautiful atmosphere, great sound, and a masterfully unfolding plot. The sequels just weren't good enough to compare to the original.

15. Persona 3

Another great high school game, ala Bully, only this time we're in Japan, where you gain popularity by being a model student. Unfortunately, they didn't do that just because it's socially acceptable. No, that's the way it just is over there. The game isn't only a great RPG and above average (and far less yucky than average) dating SIM, but it's a great peek into Japanese culture, and the mindset of its teenagers. I've clocked in about 80 hours and I'm still not done. The sequel seems just as good, but it's still a little early to tell.

14. WWF Wrestlefest

Not the most advanced wrestling game ever made, but arguably the most fun. A simple system, combined with some button mashing, is made up by the surprising variety of characters. Better yet, not only do the characters have a wide variety of moves, but their appearances are dramatically different from each other, including body size and shape. Each character also has their own unique victory poses, and there's even a ring announcer to give the play by play of the match. Many more recent games have much better graphics, but no wrestling game captures the 'feel' and silly fun of pro-wrestling better than this one. Dibs on Jake the Snake!

13. Final Fantasy 6

The first true Epic RPG. Sure, FF4 came close, but only Final Fantasy 6 had the guts to end the world HALFWAY THROUGH THE GAME. The game also includes several storylines, deep characters, a great soundtrack, and THE most memorable villain in video game history. The combat was a bit cheesy at points, and level grinding was more or less required at the end of the game, but this game has a strong place in my heart, regardless.

12. Link to the Past

I can't even remember how many times I've beat this game. It's a perfect example of a game being much better than it needed to be. Every level was a delight, it was the first game to switch between two nearly identical worlds as a gameplay device, and just as the commercials claimed: just when you think your quest is ended...you find it's only begun. Beware the wrath of the chickens!

11. Silent Hill 1

Just short of the top 10, Silent Hill 1 had the best storyline of any videogame up to then, and I'd even go as far to claim that it truly started the survival horror genre (I'm sorry, but Resident Evil was not 'horror'). The 'fog', which was there because of the limits of the technology, actually greatly improved the overall feel, and the vast emptiness of the city trumps any of the modern action zombifests that have come out recently, Silent Hill 5 included.

10. Super Metroid

An often overlooked gem. Super Metroid is a lot better than any of the 'Prime' series, and perfected the side-scrolling action/adventure formula that made the series famous. In many ways it was the precursor to Castlevania Symphony of the Night (more on that later), and the storyline managed to be good without being oppressive, as it was in Metroid Fusion.

9. Disgea 1 & 2

The pinnacle of strategy games, for one important reason: it's entertaining. It combines the character development, team management, and turn based strategy with anime inspired comedy, all set in an incredibly unique and original world. If it has any weakness, it's the ridiculous depth of the game, which all but requires endless level grinding. I'd just play through the normal quests, and leave the bonus dungeons for the true fanatics (myself included).

8. River City Ransom

My mom didn't understand why I wanted this game rather than Super Mario Brothers 3, and at the time, neither did I. I can only claim it was the sheer AWESOMENESS of this game pulling me in, via Osmosis. Beat up school kids, eat burgers, learn super moves, throw garbage cans, whack people in the head with pipes, and steal the bad guy's girlfriend. What's not to love? You can even develop your character's skills, to make him any sort of fighter you like. The recent remake for the gameboy was even better, but for real fun, check out www.x-strikestudios.com and get River City Rumble. It's a game so awesome, geeks made feature length movies parodying them. Now that's Watchmen awesome.

7. Psychonauts

Ah, the game that started it all. To answer the original question, Amber, Psychonauts is my 7th favorite game of all time, and why not? It's the best 3D action/adventure/exploration/collecting every flavored jelly bean sort of game ever made, the psychic powers are great, and the amount of hidden story is incredible (did you find the secret room in the disco party level?). Like all truly great stories, the depth is there if you want it to be. If not, then just play for the hilarious antics, inspired level designs, and thrilling action.

6. Dragon's Lair

Despite its flaws, I keep taking this game back, like an abused heroine on the Lifetime network. Put plainly, it's a videogame that's also a cartoon, with dinosaur and robot villains, and even includes a hot, nearly naked princess in it. All it needs is ninja turtles, and it'd be adolescent perfection! The many deaths of Dirk the Daring are still comic gold...and now I know the name of my band's (Ninja Robot Dinosaur) first album: 'The Many Deaths of Dirk the Daring'.

5. Legend of Zelda 2

Why don't people give this game the unconditional love it deserves? Why do they keep whining about Zelda 1 instead? Sure, the town segments were pointless, but the caverns and dungeons were pure bliss! It's a side scrolling action/adventure that easily tops all the other Zelda titles, especially that downright pathetic Twilight Princess. DOWNSTAB!!!

4. Silent Hill 2

Words can barely do this game justice. Do you know how incredible the storyline, atmosphere, characters and pacing of this game are? It more than makes up for the pathetic combat system. The voice acting made the game a legend, especially in Europe, where story still trumps gameplay. The main character is quite possibly the most flawed main character in video game history, and every aspect of the plot is drawn into question, including the main character's sanity (the letter he 'received' from his deceased wife eventually turns blank). As an added bonus, the conversation with Angela on the burning stairway is the most heartbreaking moment in gaming history (Aeris' death doesn't even come close). Okay, so the fights range from downright pathetic to murderously unfair, but who cares? Pyramid Head's chasing you! RUN FOR IT!!!

3. Planescapes: Torment

Very few games can really make you think about humanity, free will, belief, and choices even 1/10 as much as Torment can. Great voice acting, scenery, (mostly) open ended gameplay, an incredibly unique storyline, and dialog without equal, Torment is easily the best DnD based game ever made, and despite being firmly set in fantasy, the characters and storyline are strong enough to draw anyone in. Okay, so there's no reason to be a thief, there's virtually no armor for the main character, but the depth and entertainment value is nearly endless! If you've never played it, do so now!

2. Castlevania Symphony of the Night

The true start of the conversation. According to one reviewer, this game isn't as good as Crash Bandicoot 2.

Okay, I'd like to make an important statement: I am willing, as a rational thinking person, to judge your worth as a human being based solely on what you think of this game.

Furious action, swordplay, explosive magic, imaginative monsters, vampires, a fantastic soundtrack, wonderful character development, a level based character system, a sprawling castle to explore, open ended gameplay, shapeshifting, and 'second quest' is an upsidedown version of the castle!

GOOD GOD! WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT IN A GAME?!!!


1. Chrono Trigger

Okay, you could want it to be Chrono Trigger. Time travel has never been quite so thoughtful or fun. A balanced, intuitive and thoroughly enjoyable combat system compliments the fantastic storyline like peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes the game can be a little goofy, but it more than makes up for it by making those goofy character's very easy to like, and relate with. The characters in this story are delightfully human, wonderfully unique, and the storyline is both thrilling and thoroughly enjoyable.

Mention one word of the sequel, however, and I'll bury you next to that Crash Bandicoot 2 fan.

The Hell?

Okay...I remember complaining about a youtube video on the internet, where a guy claims that Castlevania Symphony of the Night wasn't as good as Crash Bandicoot 2.

I also remember saying to Amber that, "Symphony of the Night is my second favorite game of all time, seconded only by Chrono Trigger."

I remember Amber then asking, "So what's your 7th favorite?"

That forced me to make a top ten list...which spilled over into a top 20 list...then I realized that I'd forgotten 'Torment'...and things got a little hazy after that...

The next thing I knew, I had a list of my hundred favorite games of all time, in no particular order (besides Symphony of the Night as 2nd best, and Chrono Trigger as best of all time).

So here it is! I'll probably put them in order at some point. Please feel free to complain about glaring omissions and insane additions. Hey, I never said they had broad appeal. They're just MY favorite. Oh, and don't bother mentioning any Zelda game that wasn't on the NES, SNES, or game boy. With the exception of Wind Waker (which would have made the top 200, but not top 100) they all suck.

I've added a few explanations, to the less obvious choices. You may also notice some games have their sequels listed in the same spot. There's really no point listing every game in the series if the games are nearly identical. I only broke them down if there was significant differences between them.

Here we go:


Silent Hill 4 (very underrated game, with an admittedly crumby battle system, but a nerve shatteringly scary and disturbing plot)

Final Fantasy 1 (the hardest Final Fantasy game ever, and a lot of old school fun)

Ogre Battle (the depth in this game is nothing short of ridiculous)

Dr. Mario

Tetris

Katamari Damancy 1&2 (literally the most unique game ever made)

Sam & Max Season 1&2 (it just came out on Wii. Pick it up, it's a great bargain)

Shadowrun for SNES (the Genesis version was deeper, but this one was a lot more fun)

Wonder Boy 3: Dragon's Curse (I literally played this every weekend for two years)

Dragon's Lair (it's an arcade game that's a cartoon! The deaths are still hilarious)

Star Wars Arcade game (old) (a lot of old school shoot em up fun)

Star Wars Trilogy Arcade game (new) (a lot better than any of the new movies

Sonic 1, Sonic 2, Sonic 3 & Sonic and Knuckles (it's rare when every game in the series is great)

Myst

Psychonauts (the greatest game you've never played)

Final Fight for the Arcade (the quintessential 'beat em up' game)

Street Fighter 2

Monkey Island 1&2 (the second is better, but they're both solid gold)

Fallout 1 & 2

Sanitarium (scientifically proven to give cousins nightmares)

Super Metroid (before 'Metroid Prime' ruined the franchise)

Wii Sports (the best selling video game of all time)

Super Mario Kart (Toad all the way!)

Super Mario Brothers 2 (DITTO!)

Quest for Glory 1 & 2 (the first still makes me laugh. Did you hit on the centaur girl? I did. ^_^)

Faxanadu (another highly underrated game. It's only flaw was a pathetic final boss)

Punch-out (KING HIPPO MUST DIE!)

Robot Arena 2 (greatest 'homemade fighting robots' game ever. The design feature is second to none)

Curse of Monkey Island (different enough from the other Monkey Island games to get its own line. It also featured actual speaking parts, and all the old characters)

Silent Hill 1 (this game won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life)

TMNT Arcade game (you have to play it in the arcade with 3 friends to really appreciate this gem. Dibs on Donatello!)

Chrono Trigger

Castlevania Symphony of the Night

Silent Hill 2 (screw the mediocre combat, this game has voice acting and writing worthy of an Oscar. Pyramid Head also gains instant immortality by...well...okay, let's just not go into what he did in this game)

Legend of Zelda 2 (better than Zelda 1. There, I said it. I wouldn't take it back either)

Legend of Zelda 1 (still a fantastic game)

WWF Wrestlefest for the Arcade (the greatest Wrestling game of all time, mostly because it perfectly captures the hokey, silly fun of the psuedo-sport)

Mega man 1 & 2 (2 was better than 1, but both were great)

Fallout 3

Persona 3 (I've clocked at least 80 hours in this game, and I'm still not finished yet. I love this AMAZINGLY 'Japanese' RPG.

Disgea 1 & 2 (We made the list, DOOD!)

Final Fantasy 6 (the second best RPG of all time, thanks to immensely likable characters and a great story...you hear that FF7-12? STORY!)

Link to the Past (better than Zelda 1. There I said it, and I wouldn't take it back.)

Bully (many games are more in depth and refined, but very few are as fun. Don't get the Wii version though, the controls suck)

Parappa the Rappa and Um Jamer Lami (Remember: Kick, punch...it's all in the mind.)

X-men arcade game (Not quite as fun as the ninja turtles, but still a blast. Dibs on Nightcrawler!)

Castlevania 2 (disturbing enough to rival any Silent Hill game)

Guitar Hero 1 & 2

The Guardian Legend for the NES (find the rom and PLAY THIS GAME! Try not to think about her 'transformations' too much. It'll hurt your head)

Super Punch Out (where's King Hippo?!!! More balanced and fun than the first, but I'm honestly missing the King)

Elebits (because we WANT to be able to slam dressers against the wall)

Koudelka (the easily overlooked survival horror/RPG that nobody besides me played. The sequel, 'Shadow Hearts' was a lot more popular, but I prefer the original)

Mass Effect (loses steam about halfway through, but a great game regardless)

Bioshock

Starship Titanic (a bit tedious, but that's part of the fun in this epic, beautiful point and click game)

Super Mario World (how fast can you beat it from start to finish? My best time is somewhere around 10-12 minutes)

Deus ex

Half life 2

Resident Evil 4

Altered Beast (short, and nearly impossible on the home systems, but very enjoyable)

Earthbound

Blaster Master (no game has ever needed a save/password feature more than this one, but thanks to Roms and save state, that problem is over)

Mega Man Legends 1, 2, and the Misadventures of Tronne Bonne (love these games!)

Link's Awakening for gameboy (better than...ah, you know the drill. Loved the story)

Nightshade (An adventure/action/comedy/point and click superhero Sim on the NES. Instead of lives, every time you get knocked out, you get placed in slow moving trap by the villain, who then leaves the room. If you figure it out, you get to go on.)

Baldur's Gate 1 & 2 (fun...but not as good as I remember, especially the 2nd one, but better than Neverwinter Nights)

Lego Star Wars series (it's about time Star Wars got its sense of humor back)

Max Payne 1 & 2 (action noir at its finest)

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

Earthworm Jim 1 & 2 (Jim's epic battle with Bob the Goldfish still cracks me up)

Breath of Fire (the first was the best)

Donkey Kong Country (ditto)

Harvest Moon (dibs on the bar wench!)

Contra (^ ^ V V < > < > B A START)

Super Mario Brothers 1

Gauntlet 1 & 2 (the Wizard indeed needs food badly)

Bad Mojo (as disturbing as it is unique. Kafka would be proud)

Oddworld: Abe's Odyssey (the first was actually quite good, and strangely touching)

Grand Theft Auto 3 (none of the sequels are as fun as this one)

Twisted Metal 2 (have I been saying 'ditto' a lot?)

Resident Evil: The Director's Cut and Resident Evil 2 (it's a wooden door and you have a shotgun. Screw the helmet key!)

X-men Legends (possibly the best superhero game of all time)

Simpsons: Hit and Run (even more fun than GTA3)

Tecmo bowl (you don't have to be into fantasy sports to love this game)

Torment (to change the nature of a man...)

Soul Calibur 2 (arcade)

Mortal Kombat 2 (everything went downhill after the 'run' button got included in MK3)

Actraiser (I dare you to find a more entertaining 'god' Sim)

Adventures of Lolo 1&2 (Two great, if somewhat forgotten, puzzle games. Lolo 1 also has the best final battle in gaming history)

Rampage World Tour (the re-make was better than the original)

Knights of the Old Republic (a little slow to start, but worth it)

Lufia 2 (DEKAR IS THE MAN!)

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns (another great 'old school' wrestling game)

Kingdom Hearts 1 & 2 (the gameplay wasn't quite as good as the cut scenes, but when you're fighting Cerberus alongside Donald and Goofy, who cares?

Parasite Eve (a fantastic game, but a pitiful sequel cut this series short...you can't even see anything in that dang shower scene...)

Dega Vu (Assault, kidnapping and murder? Not if you're a detective it isn't!)

Silent Hill 3 (the improved gameplay made up for the weaker story)

Final Fantasy 4 (If I could only have one super power, it'd be to be able to jump that high)

Phoenix Wright 1 & 2 (OBJECTION! Your honor, that VGcats cartoon was horribly...on second thought, it was more or less accurate)

River City Ransom (the re-make irons out the bugs, but even with bugs, you'll have nearly endless fun beating the living crap out of the gangs while downing 10 burgers in a row, buying new shoes, and reading books called 'Acro Circus'. For more details, look up the independent comedy 'River City Rumble' ^_^)


Whew! That's a lot! Which is best???

Oh yeah, I already said it was Chrono Trigger.

Well I wonder which is second...

Damn it, I already revealed it was Symphony of the Night.

Way to kill the suspense, Max.

Oh well, tune in soon for the anti-climax!

It's amazing how neglected your blog becomes after you get a girlfriend

That about sums it up, really.

Oh, and I've given up looking for awesome band names. The winner, hands down, was 'Face Daggers' (special thanks to Garret).

Now I'm looking for horrible band names. It's not merely enough to be gross, inappropriate or obscene. No, in the music industry that can be a plus. I mean names that could actually be possibly used at some point, and not bad enough to be ironic, like:

Grey Matter

Helen & Hubby

Business Casual

The Tampa Bay Tabbies

My Name is Love


Aren't those atrocious? Hey! That's another good one:

Atrocious

God, you can barely say it without getting a bad taste in your mouth.


All that aside, I've come up with something, and I don't care if none of it ever gets used, I'm having too much fun working on it.

What could be more intense and dangerous than exploring ancient ruins, facing evil necromancers, and slaying vicious dragons?

Being in high school, pretending to explore ancient ruins, face necromancers, and slay vicious dragons.

It started as a joke on Fark, under the 'rejected RPGs' topic, but I'm running with it....


NERRRRRRRRRRRD! (The RPG)

I'm also considering the title 'Victims and Virgins' (the original Fark title), but that might be a little cruel.

Basically, you play one of a group of nerds, geeks, rejects and losers at a local high school, with the overall goals of gaining the best geek loot, becoming the 'Alpha' of the herd, maintaining a relatively high level of popularity (possibly even as high as 'sorta liked'), all while desperately reaching for the ultimate goal...going on an actual date.

There are no hit points, as even the highest level geek can pretty much be dropped by a single punch from a normal person, but death is never a way out. No, you'll be forced to live through every indignity with nothing besides your geek stats and Thaco score to help you.

The six basic geek stats, which you roll 4d6 (dropping the lowest) are: SPAZ, FANTASY SPORTS, LINUX, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT, ROLE PLAYING, and LEET SKILLZ.

In all honesty, none of these skills have any real impact on much of anything, besides 'geek duels' where you compete with your fellow geeks. In many cases, having a low score can be a good thing if you're trying to be 'popular'.

Geeks can't actually fight, but if they could, it would be with the SPAZ stat. Slap boxing, jumping up and down, flailing your arms about, and threatening to throw a friend's 1st edition Mox Ruby down the garbage disposal are all covered by this stat.

FANTASY SPORTS is the measure of the geek's encyclopedic knowledge of sports. They might have no clue how to actually play them, but they sure as hell know who they want in their fantasy team. This stat can also act as a 'diplomacy' of sorts with jocks and normal people, as against all odds, they did watch the game last night...on the internet.

LINUX is the geek's computer knowledge, and also how well they use the internet. It doesn't cover Linux exclusively, but that's what separates the small puny boys from the small puny boys who aren't slaves to Micro$oft.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT is a geek's measure of pop culture trivia, and a good indication of how well they'd do in 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' (right up until they're asked about anything pertaining to the real world). Like FANTASY SPORTS, it can be used as a diplomatic skill of sorts, with the more preppy, gossipy crowd.

ROLE PLAYING isn't just about how well they roll the dice and fudge saving throws, but also how well they can perform, understand others and bluff fellow classmates. Of course, it only seems to work well when the situation is somehow to Monty Python.

LEET SKILLZ reflects your ability to pwn nwbs, get head shots, scream into a tiny microphone, and pay $15 a month to get your ass kicked by a South Korean kid. It also covers a geek's general skill at physical activity...that doesn't involve much running.

Honestly, they won't come up much in the real world, not unless the geeks want to try using them (which usually isn't a great idea). There are only five basic skills that really have a meaningful impact on life, on a regular basis: SCRAMBLE, TALK TO GIRLS (BOYS if the player is a girl), PIRATE, and NINJA.

SCRAMBLE is the ability to run away and escape, or at least not be the 'slowest' of the herd.

TALK TO GIRLS/BOYS is self explanatory. It's not just what you say, but also how you say it, how much you stare at their breasts, and if you pass out or not.

PIRATE is the act of breaking the rules/law. It covers getting away with activities such as jimmying open lockers, picking pockets, pirating music, smuggling contraband, grabbing the last cookie, lying to authority figures, sneaking a 5th lightning bolt into your deck, and smoking with the 'bad kids' out back.

NINJA is the act of sneaking, hiding, and disguising yourself. Depending on the situation, it might also include major feats of agility by geeks tandards, like jumping a three foot gap.

The last stat is THACO, or To Hit Anything 'Cept Zilch. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Geeks actually have a change of hitting people in a fight. It starts at 20, and goes down verrrrrrrrrrry slowly. This is what you have to roll to hit anything that isn't a fellow geek or an office toy. This is no guarantee that the hit will do any damage, or that the geek has any chance of winning the fight, but stranger things have happened. Two things, exactly. Of course, geeks can always improve their odds by fighting really dirty.

You play one of the following classes. I'm working on the rules (as I said, it's just for fun), so I'm just listing the basic concepts, strengths and weaknesses. The 11 basic character classes are:

Goody 2 Shoes

Good at fantasy sports, but bad at Leet Skillz. Covers yearbook editors, over achievers, members of the honor society, and anyone who reads during lunch. They're undeniably good at getting out of trouble and getting others into it. Popular with the teachers, but no one else. Examples include Lisa Simpson and Hermione Granger.


Scaredy Cat

Slightly less geeky than his fellow companions, these timid geeks are masters of avoiding bullies, dangers, life experiences, and anything fun. Examples include Screech, and Woody Allen.


Red Headed Step Child

Even geeks have the equivalent of 'black sheep' and social pariahs. These geeks tend to be good with computers, but bad at convincing the other geeks that they're anything besides a loser. Of course, this often makes them more sympathetic in some eyes. Examples include Dilbert and Charlie Brown.


Drama Queen/Butch

I'm not saying that these geeks are gay. In fact, they're often incredibly straight. In any case, these geeks are either guys who sing showtunes and collect Barbie dolls, or gals who like flannel, working with their hands, and cutting their hair really short. They tend to be great at role playing, but poor at Linux (regardless of gender). They may have no real chance of landing a date (for obvious reasons), but their empathy with the opposite sex is incredible. Examples include Milhouse and Peppermint Patty.


Fanboy

Be it a comic book, anime, movie or 80's cartoon, this geek has seen it, rated it on his blog, and written a fanfiction about it. They're great at Arts & Entertainment, but poor at fantasy sports. A bit more shameless than the other geeks, but many normal people find them funny. Examples include the Comic Store Guy from the Simpsons, and Fanboy from Freakazoid.


Freak

Of all the types of geeks, the Freaks are the most likely to win a fight. Of course, the method they used (textbook, #2 pencil, and class pet) will probably get them suspended for a week or two. These are the kids later described as being 'such a quiet kid'. They're great at spazzing out, but not so good at roleplaying, or actingb human for that matter. Examples include Ralph Wiggum, Cartman, and Dennis (do not sit next to Dennis).


Gamer

Gamers have the best Leet Skillz, the worst connection to the real world (measured by Arts & Entertainment), and are the most likely to try something crazy, as long as they saw it done in GTA4 (please don't let the media know they're right). They try to offset their incredibly poor athletic ability with ridiculous amounts of competitiveness, coupled with a powerful caffeine habit. Examples include Gabe & Tycho, Yahtzee, and anyone that knows who any of those people are.


Otaku

There are geeks, and then there are GEEKS. You don't have to be Japanese to be Otaku (although for some reason it helps). Any nationality can be well versed in every geek stat, at the expense of having absolutely no ability to socialize, and possessing a stench that will ultimately get the authorities involved. Examples include Travis Touchdown, and Otakon from Metal Gear Solid.


Pathetic Follower

Some people are born to lead and others are born to obsess over the people who lead. Less geeky than most of the other geeks, or at least nowhere as geeky as they wish they were. Still, they're more likely to have a good career and girlfriend later, at the expense of all their individuality. Don't worry, it's not like they were using it. Examples include Meg Griffin and Kyle Broflovsky.


Dweeb

Not every geek necessarily deserves to be one. Every once in a while someone's pants accidentally fall down, or they get a boner when standing in front of the class, or a dog runs up to them and pees all over their leg. At that point their social life is more or less over. Until they go to a new school, there's nothing left to do but hang out with the geeks. They aren't particularly good at any of the geek skills, but they're pretty good at most of the regular skills. In other words, they're more or less normal. Pity the poor fools. Examples include Dante from Clerks, and Wil Wheaton.


As for the 11th type of geek...well you tell me. What have I missed? What archetype isn't covered here?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go finish some of the rules and roll up a 1st level Teacher's pet. ^_^

FLORIDA IS HOT, HUMID AND EMPTY.

Also, there was a baby alligator. That really sums things up. I'm afraid I'm a little burned out, so a full retelling of the trip is out of the question, but everything was nice, and involved long quiet days in the hotel, free top shelf liquor, my taxi getting lost, my coat getting stolen, a wonderful train ride down...and a not so wonderful train ride back.

Still, the train ride back inspired me to indeed write my R-rated choose your own adventure book: 'Max's Magical Train Ride'. I make no apologies for it, as thinking this through was the only thing that kept me sane during the trip back.

Enjoy!

MAX'S MAGICAL TRAIN RIDE


1. Ah, there's nothing like a wonderful long ride on a train. You're Max Freeman, a young, over-imaginative computer geek, and you're coasting along without a care in the world. As the train rides along, you almost feel as if you're flying. Without a doubt, it's the most wonderful way to trav...

"Yeah, I'm on the train! I'm going to break up with my girlfriend when I get there. I like her and everything, but my buddy said you should be single during your first year of college, or you won't have fun. I hope my parent's take me out for ribs when I get there! They might want steak, but I'm tired of steak..."

Okay, so there's a whiny nineteen year old douchebag loudly complaining about his all but perfect life into a cell phone behind you, but regardless, it's still the most wonderful way to trav...

*Nudge*

Directly behind you is a woman sleeping face down on the folding tray connected to the back of your seat. Every few seconds she nudges the back of your seat unconsciously. Every few seconds....*nudge*. Pretty soon you'll be trying to sleep, and once a minute you'll feel that...*nudge*.

Regardless! Riding in a train is still the nicest way to trav...

Two teenage girls sitting in front of you switch on their portable DVD player, and start watching 'Ella Enchanted'. They both want to watch, so they don't bother with headphones. It's loud...too loud to escape. You'll be listening to that movie from start to finish. Every bone grinding second....

Who cares?! You're on a train and...

"Why hello there, young fella."

Uh...

"You're tall!"

Okay, a drunk woman in her mid sixties is constantly hitting on you every time she passes, but that's no reason not to...

"Hi! I'll be sitting next to you!"

An old guy who smells really weird and dresses like Mr. Rogers sits down next to you and starts plugging numerous electronic devices into the wall.

"Aren't they amazing! I've got an electric toothbrush and mini-blender, which I'll be using to blend all my protein shakes when I'm not reciting passages to you from my various books! Say, do you know that there's a place online where you can find out how to make a suitcase bomb?"

You need to switch seats really fast! Luckily, that won't be a prob...

"I'm sorry sir, all seats are assigned."

You protest, and the conductor throws a mini-pillow at your face.

"All seats are assigned sir! You only paid for one ticket! No moving around!"

Only 23 hours and forty minutes left of the trip...

That's it. You can't take it anymore.

You've decided to kill as many of your surrounding passengers as possible.

But who are you going after first?


The college kid who won't stop complaining into his cell phone? (go to 2)

The old, smelly criminally insane guy with all the electronic gadgets? (go to 3)

The teenage girls watching DVDs without headphones? (go to 4)

The sleeping woman who keeps nudging the back of your seat? (go to 5)

The drunk, elderly woman who keeps hitting on you? (go to 6)

The conductor, who won't let you switch seats? (go to 7)


2. Yes, that whiny overprivileged jerk must go! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 8)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 9)

Agatha Christie style (go to 10)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 11)

Ironically (go to 12)

With whatever's lying around (go to 13)


3. Yes, that homicidal lunatic must be dispatched, but how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 14)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 15)

Agatha Christie style (go to 16)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 17)

Ironically (go to 18)

With whatever's lying around (go to 19)


4. Yes, before they put on 'Ice Age'! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 20)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 21)

Agatha Christie style (go to 22)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 23)

Ironically (go to 24)

With whatever's lying around (go to 25)


5. You almost feel bad...but you can't take it anymore! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 26)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 27)

Agatha Christie style (go to 28)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 29)

Ironically (go to 30)

With whatever's lying around (go to 31)


6. God yes, before she gets another 'Sam Adams' from the dining cart. But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 32)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 33)

Agatha Christie style (go to 34)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 35)

Ironically (go to 36)

With whatever's lying around (go to 37)


7. The true source of your pain...he must die. But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 38)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 39)

Agatha Christie style (go to 40)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 41)

Ironically (go to 42)

With whatever's lying around (go to 43)


8. "Yeah, the train ride is long, I can barely stand it. My classes are alright, but I'm not going to study or anything...sorry, some guy is doing something with my window, I'm not really paying attention. Damn, the wind is cold. It's not cold like that skiing trip in Norway I went on last year, but yeah, it's kind of cold. Could you speak up? I seem to be flying through the air towards a tree, and everything's really loud, like that Nine Inch Nails concert last summer, where..."

*SPLAT!* (go to 44)


9. You aim the end of your luggage towards his long, emo hair, and your aim is true. You smash, crush and squish with reckless abandon, but unfortunately, draw a lot of attention. One way or the other, your trip is over. Oh well, at least you had fun. THE END


10. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"I'm afraid this is not an accident, as Mr. Freeman would suggest. No. No, he himself slowly strangled the young man to death, after convincing every other passenger in the train that the world will be a better place afterward. Convincing them was easy...but fooling me proved impossible."

Damn Belgian. THE END


11. A few thousand miles away, an identical jack-off is talking into his phone:

"What's that man? How's the train trip? Huh? I can't hear you man! You sound like you're being suffocated with a small pillow or something! Listen, we'll just meet here, break up with our girlfriends, and then go out for ribs? How's that sound man? What? I'll take that silence for a yes...oh, and how was your trip to Norway?! Hello?!" (go to 44)


12. "Hold on man, I've got another call...hello?"

"Do not hang up the phone. You must do everythign I say, or a sniper will shoot you in the head..."

"Wow, it's just like that movie!"

"Uh...yeah, it's just like that movie. Now, you have to do everything I..."

"How can you have a sniper in a train?"

"I...guess you can't. I really didn't think this one through."

"That's cool. Want to hear about my trip to Norway?" THE END


13. You take the toothbrush out of your suitcase and slowly begin sharpening it into a shiv.

"I'm so bummed man, none of the girls in my classes are hot. I've been hanging around the computer lounge and started talking with this chick though..."

You sharpen faster. What comes next won't be subtle in the least, and you'll probably have to run for it afterward...but who cares?

"Dude, a guy's coming towards me with a toothbrush. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gay."

Stabby time! THE END


14. Damn! The old psychotic Mr. Rogers is spry, and sees your attack coming. He manages to fend you off with his various electronic devices until the authorities come for you. That's what you get for underestimating a lunatic. THE END


15. You flop your giant, heavy suitcase upon him, and squish the tiny guy like a bug. The soft hum of the half-crushed electronic devices is oddly satisfying. You enjoy a few moments of peaceful silence before continuing. (go to 44)


16. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Yes, this poor man did indeed poison himself...but not willingly! I'm sure you all might recall his obsession with health food? Both organic and raw? No? Well Poroit did not forget, mon ami, and I now know for a fact that Mr. Freeman convinced the victim to enjoy his Tapioca RAW instead of cooked, as that would be healthier. Indeed, it would be the healthier choice, were it not...poison!"

Damn Belgian. THE END


17. Your neighbor is very unhappy doesn't have an outlet for his portable nosehair groomer. 'No problem' you inform him. You simply take your miniature pillow, slam it over his head, and start solving the problem.

Solving the problem...

Solving the problem...

Shh...

And the problem's solved! (go to 44)


18. Some problems take a very well thought out and carefully executed plan. Other problems are solved simply by inserting a man's necktie into his portable blender, and turning it on. Do we live in a world where the latter is the case? I like to think so. (go to 44)


19. You unfortunately have to interrupt his hundredth reading from his book on 'how imagination, not science, controls reality' with a special reading from the train safety manual. You just have to roll it up nice and tight to properly read it...and then casually shove it down the maniac's throat. The other passengers are too relieved from the silence to question what happened. (go to 44)


20. Oh no! You've 'accidentally' tripped and opened the emergency window. Oh good golly! The teenage girls have 'accidentally' fallen through said window, and are now hanging on by their fingertips. Quickly, grab onto their hands to pull them in.

Oh bother! You simply can't hold on tightly enough...and they fly off into the distance while the train's going 90 miles per hour. What a shame. (go to 44)


21. "Sir, as the assistant-conductor, I must inform you that you can't have your giant, heavy case lying across two seats like that. Furthermore, you can't lie on top of said case either...by the way, you don't remember two teenage girls sitting here? No? Oh well, have a good day sir!" (go to 44)


22. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"One might assume that the two young women simply killed each other, as Hastings would believe...but Hercule Poroit does not! No, there simply is no motive! They were just two extremely stupid kids, as their movie selection makes crystal clear! More importantly, neither of the pair has nearly enough knowledge about rare Australian poisons to have dispatched each other so easily...but you, Mr. Freeman do."

Damn Belgian. THE END


23. Yes! You immediately begin to smother one of the girls...as the other one stares at you, horrified. You switch over to her, but the one you just freed starts screaming. The assistant conductor comes over and you...uh...switch to them? You smother the DVD player? Damn it, that didn't work at all. THE END


24. You already knew very well that you could garrote someone with a DVD charger, but you had no idea you could actually 'curb stomp' someone with the DVD player itself. It's true! Unfortunately, it's not very subtle, and everyone sees you do it, but damn! It works! THE END


25. Aw...aren't they cute like that, sitting side by side, as a brainless teenage actress screams about her hair in the movie they're watching? No, I don't think so either. Luckily, it makes dropping your belt over the seat and strangling the pair both at the same time very easy indeed. (go to 44)


26. You sing her a lullaby, to sooth her as she nudges away in slumber. 'Go to sleep, go to sleep...as I open the window...rest your eyes, say goodbye, as you fling through the air. Crack your skull on the pavement...I can probably stop singing... (go to 44)


27. OH MY GOD! Those fold out trays can sustain a lot of weight! Dear God, you smooshed her head like a grape! That went far beyond the limits of good taste. That was enough to take all the fun out of killing. One way or the other, you're not trying that again! I mean, EWWWWWWW...THE END

28. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"A suicide? No. No, if you look closely at the skin around the bullet hole, you can clearly see scorch marks, indicating that the hat she's wearing, with the words 'I'm committing suicide' on it was put on AFTER she was shot. Also, it is not physically possible to shoot yourself in the back of the head."

Damn Belgian. THE END


29. Wow that was...disappointingly easy. I mean, she was already asleep. That was hardly difficult at all. Feeling unfulfilled, you decide to smother the guy next to her as well. He was probably a jerk. (go to 44)


30. This is going to be great! First, you put whipped cream in her right hand. Wonderful! Then, you put her left hand in a bowl of warm water. Priceless! Then, to make things even funnier, you chop away with an axe! HILARIOUS! (go to 44)


31. Okay, we just need to look around for something to use to...DEAR GOD! That woman over on the other side of the train car is UNBELIEVABLY hot! Wow! She's tall, curvy, wearing a low cut dress and really tight pants! Good lord, just look at the way she moves...wait, what were we doing? Something about the woman nudging your seat...ah, you forget. You go get a snack from the dining car instead. THE END


32. You offer to buy her a drink if she directly faces the emergency window you just opened.

"Sure honey! So, where you going? Florida? I have a nephew in Florida who's..."

*SHOVE* (go to 44)


33. "Wow, you're a strong fella! You look really muscular when you lift that large case over your head, with your face transfixed into an expression of pure hatred. You remind me of a man I once knew in..."

*SLAM* (go to 44)


34. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Ah yes, as my dear friend Hastings assumes, the hydrochloric acid was indeed drunken willingly...but only after Mr. Freeman challenged her to a drinking contest, and handed her the acid!"

You then cheerfully inform him,

"Yes, but only after clearly explaining to her that it was hydrochloric acid, and that if she drunk it, she'd die."

"Really? And she drunk it anyway?"

"Yup."

"Well...then I guess nothing illegal has occurred at all."

"Groovy." (go to 44)


35. Damn it! Her face is so 'jowly' and smothered in makeup that you slide right off every time you try. It's like trying to wrestle a greased up pig, and you merely convince her that you're hitting on her. Bummer. THE END


36. You gladly return her drunken advances, and it isn't hard to convince her to follow you into the restroom for some 'S&M' play. Upon entering, you begin donning a spiked glove and let her know the safety word (to tell you to stop) is 'disestablishmentarianism'. (go to 44)


37. "So, do you have a girlfriend?"

Okay, what do we have lying around? Ah, we have a copy of the latest Harry Potter...and a copy of the latest Stephen King 'Gunslinger' novel. With about 2500 pages combined between the two, you swing both books towards her head, one in each hand. The resulting collision is reminiscent of a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

It's not exactly subtle, the authorities will get involved, and you owe a couple of people some new books, but you're pretty sure it was worth it. THE END


38. "Sir, you can't open the window, sir. Sir, you can't remove the protective panel and open the window up. Sir, you can't shove me in the direction of the open window. You're not allowed to push me, and you have to go back to your assigned seat. Sir, nobody gets your 12 oz mouse references, sir..."

*SHOVE* (go to 44)


39. Alright, you begin to pull down your baggage to use as a weapon...and the conductor helps you get it down. You try lifting it back over your head while facing them...and they help you put it back in the luggage rack. NO! You...ah forget it. THE END


40. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"No! This was not an accident! Poroit cannot accept that! Yes, as a train conductor, it's possible for them to have fallen out onto the tracks during a station stop...but it's not possible for them to have tied themselves up with a very large amount of rope first! There really wasn't even a reason to use such a comically large amount of rope, wrapping him up like a sleeping bag, but Mr. Freeman has a strong need for 'schtick', and that proved his undoing!"

Damn Belgian. THE END


41. Yes! You get them in the dining car, where they're literally wedged into their seat, like creme in a canoli! There's no possible way for them to dislodge themselves without at least three other conductors helping, so dispatching them is no trouble at all. (go to 44)


42. Unfortunately, nobody believes that the conductor used his ticket puncher to 'punch' himself to death. They don't even need Poroit to help them with this one. Darn it. THE END


43. You manage to subtly get the conductors attention.

"Excuse me, something seems to be wrong with my electrical socket."

"No problem! Let me just see what's wrong...well, it appears you've got several pieces of silverware wedged in there."

"Oh no, they're just plastic."

"Well, then there's no harm with me pulling it right out for..."

*BUZZZZZZZZZZ*

"My, you really were the...conductor! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!" (go to 44)


44. Nice work! You got away with it perfectly! Now all you have to do is move on to someone else!

The college kid who won't stop complaining into his cell phone? (go to 2)

The old, smelly criminally insane guy with all the electronic gadgets? (go to 3)

The teenage girls watching DVDs without headphones? (go to 4)

The sleeping woman who keeps nudging the back of your seat? (go to 5)

The drunk, elderly woman who keeps hitting on you? (go to 6)

The conductor, who won't let you switch seats? (go to 7)

Everyone's dead! (go to 45)


45. Hooray! Now you can enjoy the rest of your train ride in peace! Oh sure, some might say that offing your fellow passengers, or even pretending to off them in your imagination is wrong, but to them I say:

"Stop nudging my seat or I'll hurl you out the window."

Ah, violence. Is there any problem it can't solve?

Over the PA system one of the surviving conductors announces,

"Next stop, North Carolina...and we'll be picking up a special celebrity for the trip...Alan Rickman!"

*Sigh*

You ready your trusty toenail clipper, and prepare for round 2.

THE END!