FLORIDA IS HOT, HUMID AND EMPTY.

Also, there was a baby alligator. That really sums things up. I'm afraid I'm a little burned out, so a full retelling of the trip is out of the question, but everything was nice, and involved long quiet days in the hotel, free top shelf liquor, my taxi getting lost, my coat getting stolen, a wonderful train ride down...and a not so wonderful train ride back.

Still, the train ride back inspired me to indeed write my R-rated choose your own adventure book: 'Max's Magical Train Ride'. I make no apologies for it, as thinking this through was the only thing that kept me sane during the trip back.

Enjoy!

MAX'S MAGICAL TRAIN RIDE


1. Ah, there's nothing like a wonderful long ride on a train. You're Max Freeman, a young, over-imaginative computer geek, and you're coasting along without a care in the world. As the train rides along, you almost feel as if you're flying. Without a doubt, it's the most wonderful way to trav...

"Yeah, I'm on the train! I'm going to break up with my girlfriend when I get there. I like her and everything, but my buddy said you should be single during your first year of college, or you won't have fun. I hope my parent's take me out for ribs when I get there! They might want steak, but I'm tired of steak..."

Okay, so there's a whiny nineteen year old douchebag loudly complaining about his all but perfect life into a cell phone behind you, but regardless, it's still the most wonderful way to trav...

*Nudge*

Directly behind you is a woman sleeping face down on the folding tray connected to the back of your seat. Every few seconds she nudges the back of your seat unconsciously. Every few seconds....*nudge*. Pretty soon you'll be trying to sleep, and once a minute you'll feel that...*nudge*.

Regardless! Riding in a train is still the nicest way to trav...

Two teenage girls sitting in front of you switch on their portable DVD player, and start watching 'Ella Enchanted'. They both want to watch, so they don't bother with headphones. It's loud...too loud to escape. You'll be listening to that movie from start to finish. Every bone grinding second....

Who cares?! You're on a train and...

"Why hello there, young fella."

Uh...

"You're tall!"

Okay, a drunk woman in her mid sixties is constantly hitting on you every time she passes, but that's no reason not to...

"Hi! I'll be sitting next to you!"

An old guy who smells really weird and dresses like Mr. Rogers sits down next to you and starts plugging numerous electronic devices into the wall.

"Aren't they amazing! I've got an electric toothbrush and mini-blender, which I'll be using to blend all my protein shakes when I'm not reciting passages to you from my various books! Say, do you know that there's a place online where you can find out how to make a suitcase bomb?"

You need to switch seats really fast! Luckily, that won't be a prob...

"I'm sorry sir, all seats are assigned."

You protest, and the conductor throws a mini-pillow at your face.

"All seats are assigned sir! You only paid for one ticket! No moving around!"

Only 23 hours and forty minutes left of the trip...

That's it. You can't take it anymore.

You've decided to kill as many of your surrounding passengers as possible.

But who are you going after first?


The college kid who won't stop complaining into his cell phone? (go to 2)

The old, smelly criminally insane guy with all the electronic gadgets? (go to 3)

The teenage girls watching DVDs without headphones? (go to 4)

The sleeping woman who keeps nudging the back of your seat? (go to 5)

The drunk, elderly woman who keeps hitting on you? (go to 6)

The conductor, who won't let you switch seats? (go to 7)


2. Yes, that whiny overprivileged jerk must go! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 8)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 9)

Agatha Christie style (go to 10)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 11)

Ironically (go to 12)

With whatever's lying around (go to 13)


3. Yes, that homicidal lunatic must be dispatched, but how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 14)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 15)

Agatha Christie style (go to 16)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 17)

Ironically (go to 18)

With whatever's lying around (go to 19)


4. Yes, before they put on 'Ice Age'! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 20)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 21)

Agatha Christie style (go to 22)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 23)

Ironically (go to 24)

With whatever's lying around (go to 25)


5. You almost feel bad...but you can't take it anymore! But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 26)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 27)

Agatha Christie style (go to 28)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 29)

Ironically (go to 30)

With whatever's lying around (go to 31)


6. God yes, before she gets another 'Sam Adams' from the dining cart. But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 32)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 33)

Agatha Christie style (go to 34)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 35)

Ironically (go to 36)

With whatever's lying around (go to 37)


7. The true source of your pain...he must die. But how?

Open the emergency window and shove him out (go to 38)

Bludgeon them to death with your oversized suitcase (go to 39)

Agatha Christie style (go to 40)

Smother them with your miniature pillow (go to 41)

Ironically (go to 42)

With whatever's lying around (go to 43)


8. "Yeah, the train ride is long, I can barely stand it. My classes are alright, but I'm not going to study or anything...sorry, some guy is doing something with my window, I'm not really paying attention. Damn, the wind is cold. It's not cold like that skiing trip in Norway I went on last year, but yeah, it's kind of cold. Could you speak up? I seem to be flying through the air towards a tree, and everything's really loud, like that Nine Inch Nails concert last summer, where..."

*SPLAT!* (go to 44)


9. You aim the end of your luggage towards his long, emo hair, and your aim is true. You smash, crush and squish with reckless abandon, but unfortunately, draw a lot of attention. One way or the other, your trip is over. Oh well, at least you had fun. THE END


10. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"I'm afraid this is not an accident, as Mr. Freeman would suggest. No. No, he himself slowly strangled the young man to death, after convincing every other passenger in the train that the world will be a better place afterward. Convincing them was easy...but fooling me proved impossible."

Damn Belgian. THE END


11. A few thousand miles away, an identical jack-off is talking into his phone:

"What's that man? How's the train trip? Huh? I can't hear you man! You sound like you're being suffocated with a small pillow or something! Listen, we'll just meet here, break up with our girlfriends, and then go out for ribs? How's that sound man? What? I'll take that silence for a yes...oh, and how was your trip to Norway?! Hello?!" (go to 44)


12. "Hold on man, I've got another call...hello?"

"Do not hang up the phone. You must do everythign I say, or a sniper will shoot you in the head..."

"Wow, it's just like that movie!"

"Uh...yeah, it's just like that movie. Now, you have to do everything I..."

"How can you have a sniper in a train?"

"I...guess you can't. I really didn't think this one through."

"That's cool. Want to hear about my trip to Norway?" THE END


13. You take the toothbrush out of your suitcase and slowly begin sharpening it into a shiv.

"I'm so bummed man, none of the girls in my classes are hot. I've been hanging around the computer lounge and started talking with this chick though..."

You sharpen faster. What comes next won't be subtle in the least, and you'll probably have to run for it afterward...but who cares?

"Dude, a guy's coming towards me with a toothbrush. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gay."

Stabby time! THE END


14. Damn! The old psychotic Mr. Rogers is spry, and sees your attack coming. He manages to fend you off with his various electronic devices until the authorities come for you. That's what you get for underestimating a lunatic. THE END


15. You flop your giant, heavy suitcase upon him, and squish the tiny guy like a bug. The soft hum of the half-crushed electronic devices is oddly satisfying. You enjoy a few moments of peaceful silence before continuing. (go to 44)


16. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Yes, this poor man did indeed poison himself...but not willingly! I'm sure you all might recall his obsession with health food? Both organic and raw? No? Well Poroit did not forget, mon ami, and I now know for a fact that Mr. Freeman convinced the victim to enjoy his Tapioca RAW instead of cooked, as that would be healthier. Indeed, it would be the healthier choice, were it not...poison!"

Damn Belgian. THE END


17. Your neighbor is very unhappy doesn't have an outlet for his portable nosehair groomer. 'No problem' you inform him. You simply take your miniature pillow, slam it over his head, and start solving the problem.

Solving the problem...

Solving the problem...

Shh...

And the problem's solved! (go to 44)


18. Some problems take a very well thought out and carefully executed plan. Other problems are solved simply by inserting a man's necktie into his portable blender, and turning it on. Do we live in a world where the latter is the case? I like to think so. (go to 44)


19. You unfortunately have to interrupt his hundredth reading from his book on 'how imagination, not science, controls reality' with a special reading from the train safety manual. You just have to roll it up nice and tight to properly read it...and then casually shove it down the maniac's throat. The other passengers are too relieved from the silence to question what happened. (go to 44)


20. Oh no! You've 'accidentally' tripped and opened the emergency window. Oh good golly! The teenage girls have 'accidentally' fallen through said window, and are now hanging on by their fingertips. Quickly, grab onto their hands to pull them in.

Oh bother! You simply can't hold on tightly enough...and they fly off into the distance while the train's going 90 miles per hour. What a shame. (go to 44)


21. "Sir, as the assistant-conductor, I must inform you that you can't have your giant, heavy case lying across two seats like that. Furthermore, you can't lie on top of said case either...by the way, you don't remember two teenage girls sitting here? No? Oh well, have a good day sir!" (go to 44)


22. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"One might assume that the two young women simply killed each other, as Hastings would believe...but Hercule Poroit does not! No, there simply is no motive! They were just two extremely stupid kids, as their movie selection makes crystal clear! More importantly, neither of the pair has nearly enough knowledge about rare Australian poisons to have dispatched each other so easily...but you, Mr. Freeman do."

Damn Belgian. THE END


23. Yes! You immediately begin to smother one of the girls...as the other one stares at you, horrified. You switch over to her, but the one you just freed starts screaming. The assistant conductor comes over and you...uh...switch to them? You smother the DVD player? Damn it, that didn't work at all. THE END


24. You already knew very well that you could garrote someone with a DVD charger, but you had no idea you could actually 'curb stomp' someone with the DVD player itself. It's true! Unfortunately, it's not very subtle, and everyone sees you do it, but damn! It works! THE END


25. Aw...aren't they cute like that, sitting side by side, as a brainless teenage actress screams about her hair in the movie they're watching? No, I don't think so either. Luckily, it makes dropping your belt over the seat and strangling the pair both at the same time very easy indeed. (go to 44)


26. You sing her a lullaby, to sooth her as she nudges away in slumber. 'Go to sleep, go to sleep...as I open the window...rest your eyes, say goodbye, as you fling through the air. Crack your skull on the pavement...I can probably stop singing... (go to 44)


27. OH MY GOD! Those fold out trays can sustain a lot of weight! Dear God, you smooshed her head like a grape! That went far beyond the limits of good taste. That was enough to take all the fun out of killing. One way or the other, you're not trying that again! I mean, EWWWWWWW...THE END

28. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"A suicide? No. No, if you look closely at the skin around the bullet hole, you can clearly see scorch marks, indicating that the hat she's wearing, with the words 'I'm committing suicide' on it was put on AFTER she was shot. Also, it is not physically possible to shoot yourself in the back of the head."

Damn Belgian. THE END


29. Wow that was...disappointingly easy. I mean, she was already asleep. That was hardly difficult at all. Feeling unfulfilled, you decide to smother the guy next to her as well. He was probably a jerk. (go to 44)


30. This is going to be great! First, you put whipped cream in her right hand. Wonderful! Then, you put her left hand in a bowl of warm water. Priceless! Then, to make things even funnier, you chop away with an axe! HILARIOUS! (go to 44)


31. Okay, we just need to look around for something to use to...DEAR GOD! That woman over on the other side of the train car is UNBELIEVABLY hot! Wow! She's tall, curvy, wearing a low cut dress and really tight pants! Good lord, just look at the way she moves...wait, what were we doing? Something about the woman nudging your seat...ah, you forget. You go get a snack from the dining car instead. THE END


32. You offer to buy her a drink if she directly faces the emergency window you just opened.

"Sure honey! So, where you going? Florida? I have a nephew in Florida who's..."

*SHOVE* (go to 44)


33. "Wow, you're a strong fella! You look really muscular when you lift that large case over your head, with your face transfixed into an expression of pure hatred. You remind me of a man I once knew in..."

*SLAM* (go to 44)


34. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"Ah yes, as my dear friend Hastings assumes, the hydrochloric acid was indeed drunken willingly...but only after Mr. Freeman challenged her to a drinking contest, and handed her the acid!"

You then cheerfully inform him,

"Yes, but only after clearly explaining to her that it was hydrochloric acid, and that if she drunk it, she'd die."

"Really? And she drunk it anyway?"

"Yup."

"Well...then I guess nothing illegal has occurred at all."

"Groovy." (go to 44)


35. Damn it! Her face is so 'jowly' and smothered in makeup that you slide right off every time you try. It's like trying to wrestle a greased up pig, and you merely convince her that you're hitting on her. Bummer. THE END


36. You gladly return her drunken advances, and it isn't hard to convince her to follow you into the restroom for some 'S&M' play. Upon entering, you begin donning a spiked glove and let her know the safety word (to tell you to stop) is 'disestablishmentarianism'. (go to 44)


37. "So, do you have a girlfriend?"

Okay, what do we have lying around? Ah, we have a copy of the latest Harry Potter...and a copy of the latest Stephen King 'Gunslinger' novel. With about 2500 pages combined between the two, you swing both books towards her head, one in each hand. The resulting collision is reminiscent of a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

It's not exactly subtle, the authorities will get involved, and you owe a couple of people some new books, but you're pretty sure it was worth it. THE END


38. "Sir, you can't open the window, sir. Sir, you can't remove the protective panel and open the window up. Sir, you can't shove me in the direction of the open window. You're not allowed to push me, and you have to go back to your assigned seat. Sir, nobody gets your 12 oz mouse references, sir..."

*SHOVE* (go to 44)


39. Alright, you begin to pull down your baggage to use as a weapon...and the conductor helps you get it down. You try lifting it back over your head while facing them...and they help you put it back in the luggage rack. NO! You...ah forget it. THE END


40. Everything's going great until Hercule Poroit shows up, and twirls his immaculately groomed mustache.

"No! This was not an accident! Poroit cannot accept that! Yes, as a train conductor, it's possible for them to have fallen out onto the tracks during a station stop...but it's not possible for them to have tied themselves up with a very large amount of rope first! There really wasn't even a reason to use such a comically large amount of rope, wrapping him up like a sleeping bag, but Mr. Freeman has a strong need for 'schtick', and that proved his undoing!"

Damn Belgian. THE END


41. Yes! You get them in the dining car, where they're literally wedged into their seat, like creme in a canoli! There's no possible way for them to dislodge themselves without at least three other conductors helping, so dispatching them is no trouble at all. (go to 44)


42. Unfortunately, nobody believes that the conductor used his ticket puncher to 'punch' himself to death. They don't even need Poroit to help them with this one. Darn it. THE END


43. You manage to subtly get the conductors attention.

"Excuse me, something seems to be wrong with my electrical socket."

"No problem! Let me just see what's wrong...well, it appears you've got several pieces of silverware wedged in there."

"Oh no, they're just plastic."

"Well, then there's no harm with me pulling it right out for..."

*BUZZZZZZZZZZ*

"My, you really were the...conductor! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!" (go to 44)


44. Nice work! You got away with it perfectly! Now all you have to do is move on to someone else!

The college kid who won't stop complaining into his cell phone? (go to 2)

The old, smelly criminally insane guy with all the electronic gadgets? (go to 3)

The teenage girls watching DVDs without headphones? (go to 4)

The sleeping woman who keeps nudging the back of your seat? (go to 5)

The drunk, elderly woman who keeps hitting on you? (go to 6)

The conductor, who won't let you switch seats? (go to 7)

Everyone's dead! (go to 45)


45. Hooray! Now you can enjoy the rest of your train ride in peace! Oh sure, some might say that offing your fellow passengers, or even pretending to off them in your imagination is wrong, but to them I say:

"Stop nudging my seat or I'll hurl you out the window."

Ah, violence. Is there any problem it can't solve?

Over the PA system one of the surviving conductors announces,

"Next stop, North Carolina...and we'll be picking up a special celebrity for the trip...Alan Rickman!"

*Sigh*

You ready your trusty toenail clipper, and prepare for round 2.

THE END!