Hello! Before we start the challenge, I'd like to give the results of my horrible movie watching spree. Why? Because I must share the pain.

What the hell was I thinking? These movies aren't 'guy in a rubber monster outfit' bad, they're just BAD. These movies look like they were filmed through gauze. The dubbed movies all have one voice dubbing every character, including the women. To make it even worse, the exploitation movies barely had any exploitation in them at all! They were just boring! Who ever heard of a women in prison movie without any nudity?!!!

Needless to say, I was crushed, mashed, BUT NOT DEFEATED! I WATCHED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE GOD DAMN ABOMINATIONS...and some weren't that bad. Here's the list, with results of how long I could bear to watch them before turning them off (with a surprise last minute entry of Star Wars, Episode 3) from best to worst:


1. Hitler, Dead or Alive 18min 41 sec

2. Incubus 18min 20sec

3. Horror Express 17min 47sec

4. Ninja American Warrior 17min 00sec

5. Street Fighter's Last Revenge 16min 46sec

6. The Amazing Mr. Blunden 14min 35sec

7. Desert Commandos 14min 35sec

8. Dog Day 14min 24sec

9. Slave of the Cannibal God 14min 22sec

10. Dementia 13 14min 09sec

11. Project Kill 14min 05sec

12. Mutant 12min 28sec

13. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 12min 20sec

14. Snake Crane Secert 12min 11sec

15. Death Journey 12min 02sec

16. Rage of the Master 11min 54sec

17. Legend of the 8 Samurai 11min 51sec

18. The Dead Walk 11min 12sec

19. Spider's Venom 11min 10sec

20. Condition Red 11min 07sec

21. The Satanic Rites of Dracula 10min 37sec

22. Conneticut Yankee/King Arthur's 10min 34sec

23. Deadly Buddhist Raiders 10min 18sec

24. Monster Maker 9min 40sec

25. Incident on a Dark Street 9min 38sec

26. Murder at Midnight 9min 32sec

27. BONUS: Star Wars Episode 3 9min 31sec

28. Ransom 9min 20sec

29. Deadly Impact 8min 18sec

30. Virgin Terror 8min 12sec

31. Prison Break 7min 30sec


There were definitely different levels of 'badness' in these movies. The opening credits usually took about two minutes, and movies seemed to either last 15 minutes (not bad), 12 minutes (okay), 10 minutes (eh...), 8 minutes (bad), 7 minutes (very bad), 6 minutes (incredibly bad), or in one case barely over 5 minutes (shoots DVD player) after that.

These movies weren't just bad, they insulted my very existence. Some, I can see being made...

DIRECTOR: Hot chick dances around naked in pond and then kills a guy.

PRODUCER: Great, print it.


but others...


DIRECTOR: Okay, my movie starts with a two computer hackers bickering...

PRODUCER: Okay...

DIRECTOR: Then they spend eight minutes of screen time playing slot machines...

PRODUCER: *Shoots him*


Granted, these movies had no chance of being great, but they could have so easily been 'bearable'. A shower scene here, a bug eyed monster there and we have a movie! But no, each of these movies are UNIQUELY bad, each in its own way...but I'll have to go into the grim details later. My mind can't handle it right now.

For now, the winners:

WORST MOVIE: STEVE with Code Red. Not the worst movie, but it was the worst of the ones chosen as worst...and is the aforementioned Women in Prison movie without nudity.

BEST MOVIE: AMBER with Hitler, Dead or Alive. A fairly funny comedy, I must say.

BEST OVERALL: VINNY with a difference between his BEST choice (Street Fighter's Last Revenge) and WORSE choice (Snake Crane Secert) of 4 minutes, 35 seconds.

Congratulations to the winners! You each get to choose any 4 of the horrible DVD's I watched (but not Ninja American Warrior or the Shatner ones, they're too good to give up).

Most of the DVDs have two movies on them (let me know which movies you want and I'll tell you what they're packaged with), or you could instead, if you like, force those movies upon the other players instead, and we'll harass them into actually watching them, or instead force me to watch them all the way through to the end (be merciful...please...)

I'll go into further detail on exactly how bad these movies are next time. For now, let's move on to the first part of the fanfic challenge...

MAX V. INTERNET PART 7A: PAT'S FANFIC CHALLENGE: DISCWORLD NOIR

Vimes didn't need to know the details, all he needed were a few words.

Throat

Slit

Maniac

In

His

City

Say the word and Vimes came running...but only when you said the right word.

Vimes knew the front of the police scene would be overcroweded with onlookers, all desperately attempting to see a sight that no man should ever see. Vimes could even see a few people pirching their children up on their shoulders for a better look...and then carefully shielding their innocent eyes away.

Vimes flicked the end of his cigar away, and carefully squeezed between two piles of rubbish in a nearby alleyway. A little bit of crawling, scraping and cursing later, and he found himself smack dab in the middle of the crime scene, standing right over a body.

It happened.

It was bound to happen one day.

Someone decided to make Dibbler's nick name a reality.

The infamous sausage peddler was sprawled out, motionless upon the filthy alleyway floor, a gruesome red line neatly accross his throat. There wasn't any blood, but that wasn't much of a surprise, given the light rain that fell upon his head. Dibbler's fingers were still wrenched upon his box of goods, which did not come as a shock. Vimes had never seen him without his wares, and it was only a matter of time before someone unwittingly gave one a try, and Dibbler's death came as a result. A lesser man might have been shocked, but Vimes had seen a lot in his time, and he was prepared for just about anything except what happened next.

Dibbler sat up, thrusted his merchandise under Vimes' nose and proclaimed,

"Instant 'cutting me own throat kits'! Don't be the last on your block to commerorate the brutal back-alley throat slasher! Fun at parties! Ladies, want to meet some handsome policemen? Well this is...I'm sorry, are you alright?"

"Just fine Dibbler, just shaking off a major heart attack or two."

"Oh sorry about that sir, just couldn't help but show that even a policeman can't tell..."

"You're not dead."

Vimes spoke the words in a way that suggested it could possibly be arranged. Before Dibbler could continue his spiel ( he never gave up on a possible sale), Detritus tapped Vimes on the shoulder and pointed at the real victim.

The copper inside Vimes wrestled control away from the maniac in Vimes, and focused away from Dibbler and completely on the body. Sidney Lopside. The only man actually paid by the government to wear a bag on his head. His face wasn't so ugly, just...arranged wrong. Very wrong. If his face were a building, the contracter would have been hung.

His attacker, whoever they were, had cut a slash right underneath his chin...and then must have realized that that wasn't where his throat was. A second slash, more to the left, wasn't much more accurrate. The deep cut accross his forehead must have been out of desperation. When it was all said and done there were about a baker's dozen slashes accross various parts of Sidney's head.

Vimes knew exactly what this was...

This was attempted murder.

"Hey Sidney."

"Morning."

Next time, Vimes was going to wait to hear the details.