MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 8A: MYSPACE

I'm not sure if I've won the last challenge...Amber gave me a decisive win for my PC/MAC story (not having gay sex definitely helped), but Pat hasn't handed down a decision on the Discworld fic, so I might need a fanfic from Steve. In any case, I might as well get started on the next challenge: Myspace!

I made a myspace...http://www.myspace.com/187415896...I'm not sure if I did that right, so if you get some strange fifteen year old emo-freak, then it's probably not me.

For this challenge I'm going to test this site's ability to deliver what it promises: contact and interaction with people in your area who aren't trying to scam you, don't scare you, and are actually a human being you wouldn't mind speaking with. I'm going to randomly select ten people, give them each a general greeting, and...who knows, I might meet some interesting people...but if the creepy/scamming/horrifying responses outnumber the nice responses, I win.

I might as well kill two birds with one stone and search for single women within my age range...let's say 24 to 33.

Let's spin the wheel!


The first result has a "<3" after her name. She's 24, has a glittery image of Ariel the mermaid instead of a picture, and her page has her name in giant glittery letters over a sunset. She's a high school graduate, single mother, and her occupation is 'bus driver'.

I had a good feeling.


Girl #2's profile is dominated by her description of the wonderful brand of diet pills that have helped her to slim down painlessly in virtually no time at all! Oh, and would you ever guess, she sells said product! I definitely get the feeling that I want to get to know this girl, and the product she has casually mentioned within her perfectly normal Myspace page, a little bit better!


Girl #3 starts with a faraway image...hard to tell what she looks like...so I click to see her page and BAM! EVERYTHING HITS ME AT ONCE! A giant anime/chibi picture of herself! A giant Dominican flag on the background! A video of a giant waving Dominican flag! All this and midi Spanish music blasting at top volume!

What's she like? I have no idea! I'm now blind and deaf!


Girl #4...Gizmo the mogwai (from Gremlins) drinking a beer and wearing a Yankees hat. more Godawful midi music...Calvin peeing on the number 20...her picture has two other people in it and does not indicate which is her...and makes patriotic cakes.

I somehow have an even better feeling than before.


Girl #5...What's with the godawful midi music?! OFF! Let's see...favorite movies are Meet Joe Black and Meet the Fockers...promotes the test 'which Victoria's Secret angel are you quiz' (apparently I'm Tyra Banks)...her occupation is Alcohol Coordinator...is that a fancy name for a bartender? If not, it should be.


Girl #6 OH GOD! MONKEES! *MINIMIZE* Okay Max...calm down. They're just monkees. Your extreme dislike of monkees hasn't interfered with your life up to now so just *MAXIMIZE*

Oh god they're hideous. *SCROLLS DOWN TO MORE MONKEES* What the fuck? She even has a link to special monkey picture hosting. Seriously, what the fuck?


Girl #7 More shitty midi music...pictures of said shitty musicians...a page worth of listings of her favorite musicians...an active member of the non-Indians for Bollywood...childish anti-Bush cartoons...and a blog post entitled: "Kill Em' With Education???"

My heart palpitates.


Girl #8...is actually pretty cool. Under her picture are RPG-like statistics including a speed of 0.6 and an ambiguity rating of 20. Uh...then it goes on to a 'What's your inner Faerie' test. Her favorite movies are Boys on the Side and Girl Interrupted...things are looking a little downhill...and it culminates with the quiz "what is the center of your dark core". I'm hoping I get the result "tootsie roll"....

Oh wait, she's a lesbian.

You'd think the search engine would have filtered that out...wait, she's also a parent.

Huh.

Take two.


Girl #8 ...for the first time this challenge we have someone who has okay taste in music. It's R&B, which isn't really my thing, but at least it's good R&B. She has the most confusing image I've seen all day. It's raggedy old teddy bear...angel...and it's in a blue crystal sphere. That and apparently her hero is a naked female angel.


Girl #9 is straight from Hamilton, New Jersey...her background music of choice is 'Bitch' by Meredith Brooks...there's wall to wall Tinkerbell all over the page...and she's actually pretty cute in a Shelley Duvall kind of way.

You know, Shelley Duvall? The wife in 'The Shining'? Olive Oil in 'Popeye'? What? She's hot! I sat through 'Rock and Roll Mother Goose' just to watch her hop around in a Little Bo Peep outfit.

Oh yeah.


Anyway...this all leads us to Girl #10...and wall to wall drawings of half naked women (what's with straight women and pictures of half naked women?)...pictures of her trashed at a bar...all topped with more shitty midi music...


I'm ready to propose right now.


Wish me luck.