I don't have too much time today, so just a short one:


WATER WORLD AND MORTAL KOMBAT 2 GET A REPRIEVE

Stop the execution! There's been a call from the governor!

Specifically, from Governor Schwarzenegger (believe it or not, my initial spelling was only one letter off). The call is from all the way back in 1998...with the movie 'Batman and Robin'.

This is the worst action movie ever made. Pound for pound (taking the budget into consideration) it's THE worst movie ever made. I'm not even sure who they targeted this movie towards. As rifftrax suggested: 'sex crazed seven year olds?'

It starts with molded plastic asses, and moves on to a ridiculous fight in a museum between ice skaters and our heroes, with Arnold delivering mind-shatteringly bad pun after pun. You think he's finished, but oh no, there's about 5 billion ice/snow/cold related puns to get through before he's done.

Let's compare the new Batman movie, 'The Dark Knight' against 'Batman and Robin'.


DARK KNIGHT BATMAN

Christian Bale is subtle, talented, and makes Batman human. One downside: when he talks as Batman, he sounds like Assey McGee.


BATMAN & ROBIN BATMAN

George Clooney, bobbing his head up and down, delivering every line with blank, smug superiority. When he talks like Batman, he sounds exactly like Bruce Wayne, which makes you wonder why his fiends haven't made the connection yet. By comparison, Adam West's performance in the 60's seems 'nuanced'.


DK VILLAIN

Joker: "You ever notice that nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrible? If I say that tomorrow a gang banger is going to be shot...or that a truck load of soldiers is going to be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all going according to plan. But if I say that one little mayor is going to die...EVERYONE GOES HYSTERICAL!"

Ask nicely, and he might even show you a neat magic trick.


B&R VILLAIN

MR. Freeze: "Let's kick some ice!"

Poison ivy: "I am mother nature!"

Bane: "BANE!"

Yeah, that's about it.


DK EVIL SCHEME

Infiltrate the mob, and use its resources to drive the city into pure, absolute chaos. Then, drive the city's greatest hero insane, turning him into a wretched abomination, to reflect Gotham's true twisted heart. Then burn it all, while laughing.


B&R EVIL SCEME

Steal giant diamonds to power your giant freeze ray, and then use it to freeze Gotham. Threaten to freeze other cities with your giant immovable ice gun that can't reach any other city besides Gotham...uh...and step 3 is profit.


DK SIDEKICK

Commissioner Gordan, played by Gary Oldman, a brilliant character actor. Gordan's cool, effective, and above all completely believable.


B&R SIDEKICK

Robin, played by Chris O'Donnel, whose whining and angsting reach Anakin level proportions. Want to know what's really sad? He more or less carries the movie. His performance is simply the least horrible.


DK LOVE INTEREST

Rachael unfortunately pulled a 'Trinity', and apparently aged 14 years between the first and second movie. Still, she's very believable, and it's easy to see why men fall in love with her. It isn't about glamor or a huge amount of cleavage, she's just a wonderful and strong person, who honestly cares about people.


B&R LOVE INTEREST

If you discount the 2 scenes with Bruce's girlfriend's cleavage (I forget the name, but I remember the cleavage, which I'm pretty sure was the point), that leaves Bat girl and Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thermon...

If I ever meet Quentin Tarantino, I'm going to ask him how he gets such great performances out of Uma. If you separate Uma's good performances from her absolutely horrible ones, you'll find all the good ones in Tanantino movies (Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill) and all the other ones worthy of the bottom shelf of the bargain bin.

Uma's absolutely horrible in this, with every scene more hammed up and ridiculous than the last. I will say that the costumes/director did make her look really good...but then she starts talking. Yikes.

Batgirl's played by Alicia Silverstone and her wandering lower lip. Seriously, if you met her in real life, you'd swear she was having a stroke. I was going to comment on her very nice rear end, but then Amber had to be a kill joy and remind me it was molded plastic. Dang it.


DK CAR CHASE

BOOM! BLAMMO! Big rigs overturning! Rocket launchers! Crashes! Explosions! Bat cycle! AWESOME!!!


B&R CAR CHASE

They're getting away! Quick, let's use the Batmobile (TM) and the Batcycle (TM)! Oh no, there's ice everywhere, and Mr. Freeze is driving his Ice Tank (TM)! What will we do?

I know! I'll drive the Batmobile with snowy weather modifications (TM) while you drive the Bad Hovercraft (TM, and I'm not kidding). I sure hope Batgirl shows up on her own special Batcycle (TA...I mean, TM).


DK BIG FINISH

Batman saves lives, fights the police, and has two great final encounters, one with Joker and one with 2 face.


B&R BIG FINISH

About 10 minutes in, Batman and Robin surf the metal doors of a space shuttle down towards Mr. Freeze as he's flying over the city, and you walk out of the theater.


DK FINAL RESULTS

The greatest superhero movie ever made, and the second highest grossing film of all time.


B&R FINAL RESULTS

Kills the franchise and about three careers.


Why is this movie so bad? Why didn't they pull the plug and fire everyone involved, one week into shooting? Because they assumed their target audience were idiots. They thought they could sell ridiculous tripe and make a fortune. This was the result.

Dark Knight, by comparison, is a brilliant and subtle movie, with the added bonus that if you don't want to think too much, you don't have to. You can follow the movie and have a great time even if you don't concentrate too much on the characters or underlying message. You can have it anyway you like it.

I'm going to have to disagree with nostalgic people. The past sucks.

Onward to the future! ^_^