SUSPENSE!

This week's post is filled to the brim with suspense! What's the most boring state/country/meal/joke in the world? Where to begin?!

CHALLENGE #11: Research the most boring state in America

This one is a little difficult to remain impartial on. I mean, what qualifies something as being boring or interesting? In a week's time, I'm going to Washington D.C. for several days to check out all the museums. For kids, that's a nightmare of a school trip, but for me, it's bliss.

The most impartial way is to find the state that has the least amount of tourism, compared to its overall population.

Oh sure, it's easy to scoff at Rhode Island and Delaware, but compared to their size, they've got a decent amount of tourism. Maine has an incredible amount, and interestingly enough, there isn't enough law enforcement to go around, so each town has to literally fend for itself (now there's a 'Mad Max' style movie waiting to happen). Farming states? Not that boring, as there are plenty of festivals and at least one big city in each. Wyoming? Cool history. No, the battle comes down to 3 states...

South Dakota

Despite having Mount Rushmore and numerous tourist attractions, people only 'grudgingly' seem to show up. North Dakota is a party a minute extravaganza compared to South Dakota, which literally only seems to exist because of Mount Rushmore, and mining operations. Still, it's more interesting than...

Nebraska

Aside from Alaska (an interesting state, in a 'we all might die' sort of way) Nebraska is our emptiest state, and they simply have no excuse. This state is EMPTY. Well, empty aside from Omaha, which is Nebraska's way of holding onto 'culture' in the same way a man might dangle on the edge of a cliff from his fingertips. Boring, depressing, and ungodly empty. There's only one state worse. Our most boring state is...

Idaho

Potatoes!

That's it. That and gem mining. I tried searching for quite a while, but unless you're interested in something that's dug out of the ground, Idaho literally has NOTHING to offer us. That, and a very odd shape. What's the story behind that?

Oh well, let's take a break with the worst meal I've ever paid good money for.


CHALLENGE #12: Order the worst item at the worst restaurant you know

Have I mentioned that P.F. Chang's is garbage? They literally scoop up garbage at a landfill, and drop it on your plate.

Oddly enough, I can't entirely put them at fault, as I've tried 'Asian Fusion' in other places, and it's always garbage. Deluxe, high priced garbage, efficiently served by a very professional staff. What the f*ck?

For those that aren't aware, 'Asian Fusion' is a mix between Chinese, Thai, California, and the fourth circle of hell (the 'culinary' level, right between the 'dentistry' and 'traffic' floors).

They had quite a few dreadful abominations to choose from, but after a helpful instructional lesson from my waitress on 'how to pour liquids onto food', I decided the vegetarian dish, cooked in coconut milk looked like my best bet. Don't get me wrong, the description sounded fine, but it seems like something they'd screw up, and screwing up something I normally like is a far more efficient kick to the scrotum.

I was not disappointed. How the hell can they serve this food? How the hell can it be cooked in coconut milk and not taste like coconut milk? How the hell did they screw up broccoli? Since when is asparagus an Asian vegetable?!!!

Sigh...oh well, with that dish (which Gordon Ramsey would have force fed the restaurant's head chef, while screaming) out of the way, we go on to boring countries.


Challenge #13: Research the most boring country in the world

Not that far a stretch from our most boring states, only with far more to choose from. Instead of literally going over all of them, I decided to just look up topics on 'the most boring country in the world' on the net. Don't worry, I didn't just take a vote, that'd be cheating. Instead, I got quite a few names that kept coming up. After quite a bit of mind-meltingly tedious research, I separated the mostly boring (Andorra, Belarus, Taiwan) from the AMAZINGLY boring.

So without further ado, from least to most boring, here are the most boring countries in the world:

10. SWEDEN

Don't get me wrong, Sweden's an incredibly beautiful country, with a lot of fun architecture, and it's far more temperate then its neighbors.

They have a king, but it's been rated as the most democratic country in the world. They have a lot of great technology, but depend heavily on profits from natural resources. They're famous for being neutral in politics, but have a lot of military and police power. They believe in free trade, but the unions control everything. Black is white. Night is day. Etc, etc...

Sweden is simply a mess of contradictions. Perhaps that's what drives so many of them nuts, and drives them to dark depravity, and rampant folk dancing. Still, they're not that boring, at least not when compared to...


9. GREENLAND

It's like Antarctica, only without the charm.

Very empty, with fishing being the only real industry and source of income for the few poor inhabitants. There are a lot Inuits there, who are amazing survivors, considering they manage to survive in such a climate, and that since there's virtually no firewood, most of the fish they catch is eaten raw.

The country would be more boring if it were not so cold and menacing. Almost as boring as...


8. Luxembourg

An incredibly rich and tiny country. Overall, they have very little freedom, but compensate by getting drunk as often as humanly possible. On average, each citizen drinks 2.8 gallons of pure alcohol. That's not 2.8 gallons of booze, but PURE booze, when you separate everything out that isn't alcohol itself. Still, the country manages to be efficient, regardless.

Luxembourg is generally dull in practice, but in a very unique and interesting way, making them the Rube Goldberg of countries.


7. SWITZERLAND

The world pretty much runs with or without Switzerland. If the entire country disappeared tomorrow, Sci-fi style, we'd all just shrug and move on.

Switzerland is best known as the way-station between several other important countries. They're also RIDICULOUSLY democratic, to the point that the public can veto any law that the government creates, with a simple majority vote. Regardless, military service is compulsory for all citizens, making them almost as contradictory as Sweden.

It makes sense though, when you think about it. Being famously neutral, Switzerland has to be able to protect itself, so a strong military is required. Of course, like all other laws, the compulsory military service can be abolished by a simple majority vote, it just hasn't yet (last try only got 23% of the vote).

The country is very beautiful, and also has a large amount of economic freedom, most of the electricity comes from hydro-power, there's plenty of sports and skiing, and you're not reading this anymore, because it's incredibly boring in a pleasant sort of way, so I can write anything now. Clown penis, huge stonking tits, Godzilla is attacking the city, rain keeps falling on my head, Alton Brown/Gordon Ramsey deathmatch 2009, and several butcher's aprons.

Let's move on.


6. HUNGARY

A highly scientific country that invented the Rubiks cube and Paprika. You know your country's exciting when those facts feature prominently on your country's wiki page. It's pretty much just Sweden and Switzerland, only less interesting, and slightly more communist. Nice architecture though.


5. HOLLAND

Man, nothing's more boring than northern Europe, apparently. Holland's a jumbled, ridiculously wet country, with very little self identity. The citizens seem to identify far more with the individual cities in which they live, and Holland seems to merely exist as a way of holding them all together (the Nebraska of Europe).

The cities inside Holland are all fairly interesting, and each have an individual wiki page at least twice as long as Holland's own (Amsterdam being the largest wiki among them, obviously). Still, the country as a whole is damn boring.


4. BULGARIA

There was a time I believed this was the most boring country in the world, and Lord, it's close. They're an annoyingly successful socialist state, in both science and industry, with both personal/economic freedom and socialist values.

That sound you hear is the United States grinding its teeth. Yup, Bulgaria shows how Communism is done right, and that drives the Capitalist nations (who are all currently going through an economic shift that can best be described as 'falling down three flights of stairs') absolutely nuts...that is, if they give a f*ck. We generally don't. Overall, Bulgaria is very boring, with almost nothing to define it, other than its perplexedly upbeat, easy going, and socialist atmosphere.


3. FINLAND

Yet another annoyingly free and successful country. They're doing a lot better now that they've weeded out the old Soviet influences and corruption. Finland's an incredibly beautiful country...but you can pretty much just re-read any of the Nordic country's entries and you'll get the gist. Nothing unique to see here.


2. BRUNEI

Ah, it's nice to finally get out of Europe, and into the dull and peaceful...South Pacific nation?

Brunei is a curious anomaly, being primarily an oil producing country (much like many middle east nations), but relatively free and stable regardless. They're an island nation right above Australia, and where actually part of the British empire all the way up until 1986.

What's really amazing is that there's really nothing else to say about it. The entire nation is more or less nothing more than one large city, filled with business transactions, and absolutely nothing else of interest.

It takes a lot of work to be an island nation right next to Australia, India, and Singapore, and still be this boring. In fact, only one nation does it better...


1. DENMARK

Just when you thought we were out of Europe, here comes Denmark, the most boring country in the world.

They're yet another incredibly free and successful country, and despite being the descendants of the Vikings, they're not violent or wild at all. They must've gotten it all out of their system, apparently.

Virtually nothing ever happens in Denmark, ever, and yet they're statistically the happiest country in the world. I literally almost fell asleep at the computer, despite all the hot blonde girls inhabiting the country, and all the interesting . It's not just the country itself that's boring, but the culture. It's literally considered very 'rude' to be different, or try to excel too much.

Yes, everyone's expected to not only act a certain way, but perform no better than a certain level. Nothing ever changes, and nothing of any true importance is produced. You just live each day like the last...eat your numerous pastries and dumplings...make love to your gorgeous blond spouse (who has no personality whatsoever)...play very boring games with your equally blond and personality-less kids...go to sleep...repeat...and...

My God. This is how it happens.

Imagine the Vikings, raiding everywhere and gaining everything in the world you could possibly want. Imagine holding onto it, and never really losing it. Every day is peaceful and wonderful, as long as absolutely nothing ever changes, and nothing of any real importance ever happens.

Denmark is trapped. Poor bastards. They never even saw it coming.

I almost got trapped too, just reading about it. I nearly nodded off at the computer, and when I snapped to attention, I was about to purchase a one way ticket to Denmark, a blond wig, and a pair of wooden shoes.

Lord help us all.

The worst joke in the world will have to wait until next time. The icy, rigid allure of Denmark is still haunting my soul...