The Old Future


Ah, another month gone by, lost to incessant typing at work, and it's time to force the twisted, malformed claws that were once my hands to crank out another blog post. Good times. ^_^

I've been watching some old sci-fi movies and TV shows, and one thing that intrigues me is the 'old' future.

I'm talking about the future from three or more decades ago, when everyone had laser guns the size of toaster ovens, wore jumpsuits, and fought against the dark forces of the universe while sporting mullets.

Not only is it goofy, but it's a lot of fun to see how things match up to the way real life turned out, especially when a simple invention from our own present could have literally solved most or all their problems in a heartbeat.

Here are some of my favorite examples:


Time Chasers

YEAR: 2050

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Kids with cell phones.

SUMMARY: Nevermind that the secret for time travel is kept on eight floppy disks (that's the soft 5in disks), but the future is basically just like today, only with more colorful clothing, and kids using cell phones. That is, until the main character, a time traveling buffoon, accidentally turns it all into Fallout 3.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Going back and killing the main character's grandfather. I think it's worth a shot.


The Jetsons

YEAR: The faroff year of 2002

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Futuristic Flintstones, only with robots and sliding floors instead of dinosaurs.

SUMMARY: The curiously empty (where the hell is everyone?) future is inexplicably far up in the sky, and everyone is moved around on giant conveyor belts, or in personal space ships, both of which look like the worst death traps ever imaginable.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Hand rails


Star Wars

YEAR: Long, long ago...in the future

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Cross Dune with Buck Rogers, Muppets, and 70's hair cuts.

SUMMARY: Cowboys/Samurai/Monk/Bene Gesserit heroes destroy evil/nefarious/villainous/Orwellian dickbags, through the power of the force/hope/magic/love/blindly wandering from scene to scene without planning or communication.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Twitter


Star Trek

YEAR: 2264+

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Amazing handheld devices that allow them to communicate with each other from long distances away (but not see eachother or take pictures), comfortable jumpsuits, and lots of alien sex.

SUMMARY: The crew blindly teleports down to a planet without sending any sort of probe, lose one member of their team to killer aliens, discover their their phasers are useless, and then karate chop their way to universal peace.

*As a side note, I'd like to add that in one episode of Star Trek Next Generation, Riker vaguely remembers an incident similar to the one they were currently having, and Data agrees to research it. The time it will take to do the research? 7 hours. Can you imagine a world where it took 7 hours to find basic information? Here's how that'd go in present day:

RIKER: "I remember some other incident in the past similar to ours. I need you to research it in the computer. How long will it take?"

DATA: "Seven hours."

RIKER: "You're fired. Jordi, could you..."

JORDI: "Already got it."

*

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Cell phone cameras and Google


Space Mutiny

YEAR: 2000...something

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Space ships that run on Commodore 64s, psychic strippers, and sets remarkably similar to modern breweries.

SUMMARY: Strong heroes and treacherous villains do battle in an old abandoned factory while riding tripped out zambonies. Eventually the villains are shot, and fall over railings, to their deaths.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Better railings, and any form of transportation that's far more quick than a zamboni, including golf carts, Segways, or walking.


THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8th DIMENSION

YEAR: The near future

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: the 80's, only more so

SUMMARY: Brain surgeon, rocket scientist, 80's rock star, and master samurai 'Buckaroo Banzai' takes on evil aliens that look like fish-men, and have names like 'Big-Booty'. In his spare time, he blows the world's mind with amazing world changing invention, rocks out mid-80's style, and romances Ellen Barkin.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: a better looking girlfriend

Play it, Sam

I've been gone for a month because I've been doing nothing but type at work, and my hands look like Dumbledore's in the last Potter movie.

So instead of a full post, I'm going to cut and paste my 100 all time favorite songs. I recently assembled them because I want to see which I have, and which I need to get through iTunes.

To keep it from being just Dubliners and They Might Be Giants, I'm putting a cap of 6 songs at most from each performer.

Feel free to judge my worth as a human being from the list:


Silent hill theme, Akira Yamaoka

Killing me softly, Aretha franklin

God only knows, Beach boys

Sabotage, Beastie boys

Ballad of john and yoko, Beatles

Black bird, Beatles

Come together, Beatles

Penny lane, Beatles

Ticket to ride, Beatles

Godzilla, Blue oyster cult

These times they are a changin', Bob dylan

More than a feeling, Boston

Meanwhile rick james, Cake

Surrender, Cheap trick

Lady in red, Chris de burgh

Run run rudolph, Chuck berry

Bad moon rising, Creedence clearwater revival

Have you ever seen the rain, Creedence clearwater revival

Come on eileen, Dexy's midnight runners

Cover of the rolling stone, Dr. hook and the medicine show

Anything, anything, Dramarama

Black velvet band, Dubliners

Dirty old town, Dubliners

I love him the best, Dubliners

Mcalpine's fusilliers, Dubliners

Rocky road to dublin, Dubliners

Hotel california, Eagles

Wonderful tonight, Eric Clapton

More than words, Extreme

Smile for me rose marie, Flying machine

Whole lotta love, Frank zappa

Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz

Boston and st johns- live, Great big sea

Pulling muscles from a shell, Head automatica

Let her cry, Hootie and the blowfish

End of the tour, Hotel lights

White rabbit, Jefferson airplane

All along the watchtower, Jimi hendrix

Purple haze, Jimi hendrix

Ring of fire, Johnny cash

Suicide is painless, Johnny Mandel

Dust in the wind, Kansas

Jenny was a friend of mine, Killers

When you were young, Killers

Kashmir, Led zepplin

Stairway to heaven, Led zepplin

Mack the knife, Louis armstrong

Whiskey in the jar, Metallica

Enter sandman, Metallica

One, Metallica

Smooth criminal, Michael jackson

Thriller, Michael jackson

Never had to knock on wood, Mighty mighty bosstones

Riders on the storm, Moody blues

I am I said, Neil diamond

Bizarre love triangle, New order

Don't speak, No doubt

Don't look back in anger, Oasis

When a man loves a woman, Percy sledge

Comfortably numb, Pink floyd

Money, Pink floyd

Shine on you crazy diamond, Pink floyd

Us and them, Pink floyd

Wish you were here, Pink floyd

Whiter shade of pale, Procol harum

Another one bites the dust, Queen

Hammer to fall, Queen

One vision, Queen

Seven seas of rye, Queen

Somebody to love, Queen

Under pressure, Queen

End of the world as we know it, REM

Mothers little helper, Rolling stones

Paint it black, Rolling stones

Under my thumb, Rolling stones

Sound of silence, Simon and garfunkel

Tonight, Smashing pumpkins

Still remains, Stone Temple Pilots

Santeria, Sublime

Head over heels, Tears for fears

House of the rising sun, The Animals

Monday Monday, The Mommas and the poppas

Don't stand so close to me, The Police

Lie still little bottle, They might be giants

Narrow your eyes, They might be giants

Put your hand inside the puppet head, They might be giants

Raincoat, They might be giants

Spiraling shape, They might be giants

They'll need a crane, They might be giants

I think we're alone now, Tommy james and the shondells

Xmas eve/ sarajevo, Trans Siberian Orchestra

With or without you, U2

Moondance, Van morrison

Blister in the sun, Violent femmes

Gone daddy gone, Violent femmes

Buddy holly, Weezer

Only in dreams, Weezer

Yoda (live version), Weird Al

All she wants, Wham

Gone til november, Wyclef jean

RETAIL WAR JOURNAL

Still not gritty enough for the major studios? Hmm...or perhaps this war journal is simply TOO gritty.

If the commercials for 'Avatar' have shown me anything, it's that people love watching mind blowing, awesome near disasters. Perhaps a more 'modern war camera shaking while the heroes run towards the viewer' approach is necessary.


LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: Part 3


Dear...OH MY GOD! RUN!

I know you're reading this at home, but I don't care! RUN RUN RUN!!!

My God, they're coming at me from all sides! Lunging up and and down the aisles, crying, whining, and asking a never ending supply of ridiculous questions!

I do my best to race down the aisles safely, with return cart in hand, but with each aisle there's another parent thrusting their newborn children face first into oncoming traffic.

I narrowly avoid another stroller, and begin to wonder how 'intentionally' these strollers are being blindly thrusted forward. All I'm saying is that they DO sell life insurance policies for toddlers. It's a possibility.

Racing down the appropriate aisles, with the PA system blaring out automated orders, as enemy fire (and by fire, I again mean stupid questions) flies by my head, narrowly missing by inches. All I have to do to make it to my section is get around...a lady...

To say that her ass was huge, would not convey the orbiting monstrosity that laid before me. Sure enough, she was bending all the way over, and taking up enough space to fit two full grown men with her posterior alone. I crept, like a trooper crawling by barbed wire, knowing that even the slightest touch would be...awkward and weird, to say the least.

Barely making it by with my life, I nearly smack face first into a...person. A person of a...gender, of some sort, I suppose.

"How may I assist you...uh...misssssst..."

The 'thing' mercifully cuts me off. I hear them talk, but still have no clue what gender to associate with them. They're roughly 16-17, with black feathery hair, a slim figure, a high pitched voice, and a vaguely masculine face. My gut said 'guy', but their hands were the most feminine I've seen on a grown human being, male or female.

I quickly excuse myself, knowing that the slightest misspoken word could end with their emo friends (mix of men and women, so no help there) stomping the ever living sh*t out of me with their Hot Topic boots.

I can only pray that either way, that person never winds up in prison.

A bossy, yet friendly mom casually stops to ask me a question, and I gladly...I mean 'quickly' avert my eyes from her chest. The initial glance revealed that 'they' were not only huge and all but exposed to the world, but also covered in a giant, black 'bird-like' tattoo.

Did I mention that her large, 'biker' husband was about eight feet away?

They also had an adorable daughter in the cart, who was wearing...DAMN IT! Caught a glimpse of the mom's chest again, bad Max! It doesn't help that her tattoo makes it stand out even further, which was probably her intention, but at the same time I didn't think her Hells Angel husband would think the same way.

The buxom mom proves to be my savior, by asking if we have a product up in overstock.

"Oh! Overstock UP THERE? Ah, allow me to look UP THERE to see if there's anything..."

Barely avoiding a metal bat to the head (if 70's biker movies have taught me anything), I avoid a few more lunging strollers, and reach another mom, this time with a cheerful teenage daughter.

They ask a few questions about the fashion accessories, and all goes well, right up until I notice the daughter's stomach.

It's the same problem all over again, only this time with a twist. Despite being 13-14ish, I swear to God, that girl was pregnant. She was even doing the lifetime original movie thing, wearing about three layers and a flannel shirt, as if to cover it...but no, that round belly usually meant only one thing.

I stayed cool. Perhaps I was wrong. After all, everything else seemed to be normal...bizarrely normal. Did the mom not know? How the hell could she not know? If I was the girl's father, I sure the hell would have said something!

Or perhaps they didn't think much of it. I could just imagine...

"Okay honey, you can have the fashion design play set, but no more toys until after you have your illegitimate child, and we go on Springer. Then you can get the Barbie nail salon."

I feared for my life as never before, knowing that a single question or comment would be the end of me. All I needed was a distraction.

Ah! A man over here needs help, perhaps I can help this Hasidic Jewish man instead. He was obviously Hasidic/Orthodox Jewish in appearance, although that didn't mean...

"Oi, these prices are so high! How could they charge so much?"

Oh no.

"Are they any cheaper, discount items on sale?"

I bit my lip.

"These discount toys aren't crumby are they? I want to get a good deal on this."

Why must you test me, oh Lord?

Nearly collapsing from the encounter into uncontrollable (yet very guilty) fits of laughter, I mercifully got called away to the manager's office. The woman in HR showed me a paper that everyone had to sign.

It was entitled: BLOGGING AND SOCIAL NETWORKING POLICY

Oh no.

"You see, we need our employees to agree not to say or write anything on the internet..."

I've been made.

"...that might cast the company in a negative or embarrassing light."

I'm screwed.

"That also goes for comments that may cast the customers in a negative or embarrassing light."

Game over, man! GAME OVER!

"Just sign here."

With the best poker face I could muster, I took the pen, and signed my scrawl.

Lord protect us all...

(Squad Sgt Max went missing in action shortly before this letter was aired, although evidence suggests he suffered a vicious attack from a giant giraffe-like creature wearing a red shirt)

MAX'S WAR JOURNAL PART 2: THE PROFITING


Hmm...I can only conclude that the lack of offers from the major media outlets is a result of my journal being far too light and cheerful. No, they obviously want something a little darker, and grittier.


LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: PART 2

*distant sounds of helicopters in background*


I can't believe I'm back in Saigon...and by Saigon, I mean Toys R Us...in Saigon. They swore it was the closest Toys R Us to Freehold, New Jersey and I was too blinded by loyalty to question it.

Retail is war. Worse yet, it's the only form of war where you're required to be polite to the enemy.

Oh yes, retail is war...and war is HELL!

And hell is PURGATORY!

And purgatory is a LONG WORD!

The screams of the kids still echo through my mind, their cries of 'Zuzu Pets' still haunting my soul to its core. The only thing more haunting is what I knew they'd do in order to get one. I shudder at the thought.

Every now and then a rookie asks me a question, as if I'm in charge, not knowing that I was just as clueless as they were as to the purpose of our mission, or the best course of action. I try not to get attached to the rookies. Most of them won't last even a single day out here in the thick of the action.

They just canceled our leave, unexpectedly. The automated announcement over the loud speaker that told us we were closed were quickly followed up by the voice of the assistant manager, assuring the customers that the message was in error, and we would be open for several hours yet.

The groans, curses, and death threats that followed from the staff are all a part of working retail, and every associate goes a little insane from it all.

Last night my mind broke at around 10:30, resulting in my development of a new skateboarding trick: you ride at top speed towards a long metal pole (like a lamp post), leap up into the air, spread your legs wide, and then pass straight through the metal pole, groin first. I call it the 'Kobayashi Maru'. Or better yet, the 'Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru'.

My insanity is more low key compared to some of the others. Some hoot, some holler, some hit on co-workers less than half their age (I'm looking at you, Kathy), and one guy even ran past me yesterday, hunched over and grabbing at his groin, while not making a single sound.

Others are merely mutinous, resulting in a fair bit of anarchy. Every day I find more and more hidden piles of toys. You could blame it on the customers, but I saw the same items earlier in the day in the 'return carts', waiting to be put back on the shelves. Someone might just have to frag their asses.

And by frag I mean...actually, I just mean frag. No analogies here.

Last night I stumbled upon another pile of returned goods, stuffed towards the back of a shelf. With a low grumble I yanked it out, and found it was a Zuzu pet playset.

MY GOD! MY LIFE WAS IN DANGER!

Any moment a hundred screaming, raving customers would be lunging for my throat, and clawing at the box in my hands. By the time they'd be finished, I'd be little more than a shred of meat stuck to a pile of bones.

For all purposes, I was holding a live grenade, with the pin already pulled out, and making cute hamster noises.

In a crazed rush I lunged towards the front, hopped on a skateboard, and unsuccessfully performed the Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru on a six foot stack of 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos'.

The resulting distraction allowed me to ditch the dreaded robotic hamster playset on the front counter.

I'd survived. Another day down, and fourteen to go...


Seasonal Sales Associate, Robert "Maxcat" Freeman

(Robert Freeman died three days later, in a skateboarding related tragedy. His family has asked that all donations be forwarded to Will Shatner)

For those that don't know, I've started working a part time job at Toys R Us this Christmas season. This, along with a few personally relevant Penny Arcade comics, have led me to start a war journal of my time in retail.

Due to intense budget needs (related to my intense greed) I'm pitching the journal to several different producers and TV channels, starting with the History Channel:


LETTERS FROM THE FRONT

My dearest Isabelle,

It's been several weeks since the fighting started, and I now find myself in pitched battle with the people I recently called brother: the customers.

Not to long ago I would've happily walked amongst their kind, but now I count each damn one of them as my mortal nemesis, to either be quickly destroyed, or assisted with as little effort as possible, whichever is more convenient for me at the time.

Even as I write, I can hear the distant screams of small children, each afflicted with the harshest punishment that God could ever inflict upon one of his creations:

Not immediately receiving the toy they want, the second they demand it.

Their screams will haunt me to my dying day, and I can only hope our sons, Ezekiel, Abraham, Solomon, Moses, and Jesus Von Christenmier will never know the same pain.

This morning I was assigned to deliver a message to the front lines. Come hell or high water, I had to track down one General 'Cindy', and deliver a life or death message regarding Zu Zu pets.

My journey was slightly delayed by the appearance of a striking southern belle, who was specifically striking a coworker of mine when I approached. She wailed on and on about Superman toys, not knowing that Superman hasn't been popular since he died, marking him as the Michael Jackson of superheroes.

Nothing could calm the young beauty, as she emitted cries of 'overstock' and 'check the back room'. My fellow brother in arms feebly did his best to help the hysterical woman, as I resigned myself back to my mission.

The darkest moment during my travels was when I came upon a fallen display. The poor sap once consisted of an even pile of scooters in boxes, but now its body was little more than a jumbled mess. A nearby comrade stopped by, and confirmed my fears.

Gangrene.

The Docs had to literally pull the poor soul apart, and then reassemble him as best they could. As far as I know he survived, but I couldn't stay behind to make sure. I had a message to deliver.

It was then that I realized the comrade who stopped to help me was none other than General 'Cindy'. The strain of war had destroyed all pomp and grandeur that once existed in her position. Now she was indecipherable from the rest of us grunts, apart from the nametag with the word 'Manager' upon it.

In response to my orders, she gave me back an additional message to memorize and destroy, regarding the Star Wars Lego sale.

Having committed its contents to memory, I discarded the message in the safest and surest manner possible: by stuffing it in a cigar box and tossing it into the center of the road.

Well, I have to go now, my love. May the Lord keep you in his loving arms, and not arbitrarily kill you on a whim.

Your loving husband,

Private Robert 'Sales Associate' Freeman

(Private Robert Freeman would survive the dreaded battle of Black Friday, and later perish from a ferocious toddler attack at the battle of Barbie's Dream Mansion.)

100th Post


Uh...yay?

Go me?

Okay, the delay has been from the fact that I keep trying to come up with something special for the 100th post, but damn it, I keep coming up empty. It's just too hard to top 'Inglorious Potters'. Why the hell did that have to be the 99th post?

Until I get the 'Wayback Machine' fully working, I'm just going to have to go with a typical Shakespearean resolution: the Apocalypse.


FOR THE COST OF ONE '2012'


Now, I'm not saying that '2012' is a bad movie, it's just an unfortunate movie. It's like saying that a Nascar event was a success because the fans loved the crash that crippled three men.

To give you an idea of the level we're working with, they build giant, futuristic ships to sail through the apocalypse in. One plot point is that they're steering towards Mount Everest, which rises high above the water line...so why didn't they just hide on top of the mountain, instead of building the giant ships? You'd think that would've been easier.

Oh, and needless to say, the little dog lives. As far as I'm aware, every dog on the planet survived, if the director has any say.

2012 is all about the ridiculous spectacle that could only derive from a hackneyed director, dull plot, mediocre actors, a two and a half hour run time, and a $250 million dollar budget. Independence Day seems subtle and nuanced by comparison. Seriously, 2012's John Cusack will make you honestly wonder why Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum didn't both take home gold on Oscar night.

But I digress. For my 100th post, I am going to present several 'alternate' apocalypse movies that are just as good as 2012, only with a tiny fraction of the budget. In fact, all these movie ideas combined only come out to about half of 2012's explosive budget, run 90 minutes tops, and make just as much scientific sense.

All Hollywood producers are asked to post their offers in the comments section of the blog:

PITCH #1

A small girl in Ohio skips rope in a playground...

Across the planet, a man raises his arm towards a box on the top of a bookshelf. It's just out of reach...

In Canada, a teenage track and field athlete is preparing for the long jump event...

In England, a docks worker is ready to leave the ship and go to port. There's a two foot gap between his ship and the pier....

In the White House, the President of the United States sees a giant cockroach...

What will happen to the world when EVERYONE JUMPS AT THE SAME TIME?!!!

Beware world, the A-hop-alypse has begun...


Now, I'm pretty sure that idea is worth a $2 million contract right there, but just in case:


PITCH #2

In 2010, a young scientist presented the world with his findings, and announced that the world would come to a sudden an abrupt end on December 9th, 2012.

They called him crazy.

Then, at exactly 12:01 am, on December 9th of the year 2012...nothing happened.

He was crazy.


PITCH #3

Scientists couldn't believe it. Religious leaders couldn't accept it. Politicians were powerless to confront it.

The sun, unchanged for all human history, suddenly outstretched itself in opposite directions, as if extending two impossibly long arms.

In the days that followed, the people of the world began to swear that a face was beginning to form upon the sun, although no one could discern what it felt.

Then suddenly, without warning, the sun's new appendages stretched towards the Earth, yet instead of burning the world to a crisp, they merely hung in the air above the planet, each emitting a silvery glow at the end, as if the sun were holding a giant metallic object in each hand...

Without warning, the continent sized raisins began to fall.

This summer, the sun is bringing two scoops of annihilation for humanity...


Those three movies alone will make my career. I better make one that'll win awards though...


PITCH #4


Panic erupts in the streets. There is no warning or preparation. What caused this madness? Why did it have to happen? No one can say. All we know is:

Every woman on Earth, over the age of 18, has mysteriously lost all their clothes. More perplexingly, each of them have also become surrounded by full length mirrors, and each take at least a two full minutes to realize that anything has happened.

Starring: Salma Hayek, Megan Fox, Jennifer Lopez, Katie Featherston, Kate Beckinsale, Dolly Parton (yeah, I know she's 63, but I don't care), Emma Watson, Vickie Eng, Miley Cyrus (filming to begin 11/24/2010), and many more!

This summer, we...uh...the world is...oh f*ck it, just come and see the movie, guys. You know you're going to.


I know what you're thinking. Max, you're setting yourself up for an Orson Welles-like situation, where you'll never be able to top yourself. Well, I was going to save this, but here's the final Pitch to be made last, just to round out the career:


PITCH #5


The scene opens with a scientist urgently making his way into the oval office. The president is startled, and secret service agents rush in, but not before the young scientist can speak.

"Mr. President, I'm sorry for the intrusion, but the world is headed towards catastrophe!"


The president sent the secret service agents out of the room, and allowed the young man to continue,

"If my calculations are correct, sir, the moon has dropped out of Earth's rotation, and is now hurtling directly towards us!"


The president looks thoughtfully out the window, as if wondering what to do. With a slight cough, he addresses the young man for the first time,

"So it is true. Several other leading scientists have told me the same thing, but no one can say why, or exactly what will happen."


Proudly, but with some fear, the young scientist sifted through his notes, and handed a bunch to the president, while softly speaking,

"I believe I know what will happen, sir. The moon is going to crush and flatten in space, before reaching us, spinning outwards as it flies, but always snapping back to its basic round shape, with the surface curling at the edges, and large mountains forming along its surface."


The president urged the young scientist to continue, who barely eked out,

"When it hits the Earth, it's going to surround most of it, as if wet and spongy, before the rubble slowly drifts away in a single mass, and falls towards the sun."


The president hammered his fist upon the table, in furious rage.

"So that's it then? There's nothing we can do before it lands on our heads?"


The young scientist gave a slight cough, to interrupt.

"Not exactly on our heads, sir. My research shows that the mass of the moon will directly seek our our ocular organs when it hits."


The president could barely find the courage to stammer out,

"So you mean..."


"Yes sir...the moon will hit our eyes like a big pizza pie."


This summer...that's AMOREGEDDON!

IS IT JUST ME, OR DID DRACO GET OFF EASY?



*In the middle of the forbidden forest, Draco, Goyle, Harry and Ron are hanging out, shortly after the end of the 7th book*


DRACO: "Well, no hard feelings, Potter. I guess alls well that ends..."


*Harry 'Avada Kedavra's' Goyle*


DRACO: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I switched sides! You'll be killed..."

HARRY: "Nah, more likely chewed out. He did try to kill us earlier after all. Anyway that deal was for you, and it's a good deal. Weaken the Dark Lord's power by being the wand's master? Enable us to kill the Dark Lord. That's a good deal. You like that deal, Ron?"

RON: "I'd take that deal."

HARRY: "Yeah, that's a good deal. Now scalp Goyle."

DRACO: "What? Why?!"

HARRY: "It's sort of a 'thing' I'm starting. Anyway, when you leave here, avoid Azkaban, and rejoin high society Draco...I bet you're going to keep that dark mark covered...ain't ya?"

DRACO: *shudders*

HARRY: "Yeah, that's what I thought, and Ron and I don't like that, do we?"


*Ron finishes scalping Goyle*


RON: "Not one bit.


*Harry leans forward, towards Draco's ear, and begins to whisper*


HARRY: "You see if it were up to me, you'd proudly display that Dark Mark every day for the rest of your wand suckin' life...but I'm aware that ain't practical, so..."


*Harry draws a huge magical bowie knife*


HARRY: "So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off..."


*And ten minutes later, after branding Draco, burying Goyle's body next to the Dursley family's, and peeking in on Hermoine while she's taking a shower, they all lived happily ever after*


THE END

Ewwwwwwww....


Challenge #22: Change a dirty diaper

Okay, I've dodged it long enough. It's time to take little Jacob (that's little in the ironic sense, like Mafia guys named 'Tiny') to the changing room, under the careful guidance of Pat.

Luckily, the scope and magnitude of the diaper changing isn't nearly as catastrophic as Nicky's. I mean, good lord...I'm amazed Nicky's body could contain that much. Jake is a bit better, but yeah, it isn't pretty. It didn't help that he kept trying to kick his way out of my grasp. GOOD LORD that kid's strong!

Anyway, after popping my arm back into its socket, I cleaned the kid up (again, not the least bit of shame or empathy from the kid himself...he could at least pretend to be sorry), and put on a new diaper.

Honestly, the hardest part was getting him back IN to his jumper. I tried wrestling with him and his outfit a bit, but he countered the move into a hurricana suplex. I considered grabbing a folding chair to help even the odds, but I was pretty sure the ref (Jenny) wouldn't have approved. Pat had to tag in to take over at that point.

Still, I survived the diaper changing. Some other relatives weren't so lucky (we remember you fondly, Steve).


CHALLENGE #23: Early to bed...

I've never been one to go to bed early, but you know how the saying goes 'Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise'.

A week later and...no, there isn't any additional money in my wallet.

Am I any wiser? I'm posting on a blog on the internet...so I'm going to venture a 'no'.

What about my health? Not only did I get sick, but I caught the flu, right about the same time the swine flu was getting everywhere. Hmm.

So, 'Early to bed, and early to rise, gives you Swine Flu'. Yeah, I guess that's nowhere as catchy.


CHALLENGE #24: Eat a large plate of pickled beets.

Yeah, there's a few more food challenges. I decide to brave the food that kids cartoons have warned me about for decades...

Those fricking liars! Grouchy bear from the care bears was dead right! Lionheart doesn't know what the hell he's talking about! (oh, and curse you Amber, for subjecting me to 'girly' kids cartoons throughout my youth)

Pickled beets are delicious! I could really go for a large plate of them right now! Once again, I feel like I got off easy. Let's make the next one a hard one.


CHALLENGE #25: Give self the worst brainfreeze possible

This one took a few test starts, sort of like the 'go a day without intentionally scratching' challenge. I swear, I did my best to down slurpees as quickly as possible (the only way a true geek would achieve the brain freeze), but nothing happened of note. Oh sure, there was a chill or two, but nothing that bad.

I took several weeks, when I was drinking a slurpee for fun, not even thinking about the challenge...when it happened.

My brain sqeezed shut like a vice. I didn't go for a warm drink, oh no, that'd be cheating. All I could do was ride out the wave, like a sarcastic careless teen on Baywatch, only there weren't any porn stars to save me.

A few minutes later and the agony crescendoed into a manageable state, and I dragged myself from the floor of my car. Can you believe Slurpees created an advertising campaign out of brain freezes? That's like trying to sell a snack bar through crotch punches!

Oh well, I'll just top the Slurpee off with some rubber bands.


CHALLENGE# 26: Chew on rubber bands, as if they were gum

Alright, let's clean these boys off...yeah, I don't see how this could go wrong.





















I can't even begin to describe how disgusting that was.

Nicky's 'uh-oh' takes second.

I'm going to crawl back onto the floor of my car now.

Max Freeman

Patriot, Visionary, and Inventor of Ham


In honor of Max Freeman's birthday, we will be taking a break from the challenges to list the author of this blog's greatest accomplishments, year by year, each coincidentally occurring upon his birthday.


1978:

Moments after being born, a Doctor smacked Max several times on the bottom. Regardless, the young spy refused to tell him anything.


1979:

Began walking and talking, inventing both.


1980:

Successfully brought down a very small portion of the Berlin Wall, for round about 2 minutes.


1981:

Led one lightsaber wielding action figure to victory in the battle of 'kill all the other action figures'.


1982:

Drank his first and last beer.


1983:

Ended slavery in Texas, forcing his family to flee to the northeast.


1984:

Successfully infiltrated the school system, using the cover name 'Robert'.


1985:

Invented ham.


1986:

Played as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots at superbowl XX, leading them to a glorious 846-10 loss.


1987:

Successfully pre-venged the death of his grandson.


1988:

Endorses Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign.


1989:

Uses the force to choke Michael Dukakis to death.


1990:

Invents pork roll. Literally dozens are thrilled.


1991:

Max ends the Gulf war through the power of song. UN officials estimate deaths in the mid 10,000's.


1992:

Listens to his first Aerosmith song. Doesn't care for it.


1993:

Scientifically proves, using 'Freeman's theorem' that the Dallas Cowboys are the most awesome thing on Earth.


1994:

Creates masterful plan to solve all of America's agriculture problems, and would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.


1995:

Freeman's theorem is officially disproved.


1996:

Travels back in time, to take year off before college.


1997:

Invents the ham, pork roll, and ketchup sandwich. No one notices until 2006.


1998:

Achieves the record for longest time spent trying to get a specific girl in the sack. Surrenders after 11 months, 26 days of trying.


1999:

Partied like it was the year it was.


2000:

Discovers internet porn. Is not heard from again until 2001.


2001:

Changes control of the Senate from 'Republican' to 'Democrat' by slapping it.


2002:

Invents a new word (Collinguinistical) and spends year trying to think up a definition that isn't dirty. Eventually settles upon: 'somewhat nifty'.


2003:

Personally ends the Phnom Penh riots by doing what no one else could: pronouncing its name correctly.


2004:

Sets the 'wayback' machine for 1806.


1806:

Successfully finds Lewis and Clark, and leads them back home, only to find that all his Superman jokes just go over their heads. Is inconsolable until 1808.


1807:

Weren't you listening? I said he was inconsolable!


1808:

Bamboozles the Colonies into repatriating back to England, and celebrates by stomping on a bunch of butterflies.


1809:

Set wayback machine for 2006.


2006:

Realizes he missed a year. Declares 'Fuck it'.


2007:

Not much really. Mostly bummed around on the internet, updating his blog. He did kill a few vampires...but otherwise, pretty much a normal year.


2008:

Fails to break world record for 'longest time spent trying to get a girl into the sack'. Regardless, he doesn't seem to mind that much.


2009

Ends war on terror through use of hypnosis. The subsequent 'clucking like a chicken' and 'naked in front of the audience' epidemics expected to be cured within the year.



MAX FREEMAN: Hero, Revolutionary, and fictional Charles Dickens character.

Still 30

I'm not quite 31 yet, and needless to say, I'm going down kicking and screaming.

Anyone, on to more challenges, and this week they're mostly food related:

CHALLENGE #18: Eat a plate of Buffalo Wings

This challenge downright baffles my sister, Amber. She asks, her voice filled with honest confusion, "What don't you like about Buffalo Wings?"

First of all, I have absolutely nothing against honey BBQ wing, Asian style wings, or plain. No, my problem is with the 'buffalo' variety only. Why? Why wouldn't I?

The plate arrives, and Amber assures me they're 'typical' buffalo wings, neither better nor worse than average. I take a bite, and immediately, the sour and oily sauce assaults my tongue like the winner of a 30 second UFC match.

It isn't...awful, I guess, but overpowering, and with a terrible texture that no meat was meant to have. Worse yet, they never cook them enough, always bringing them out lukewarm.

Also, what the hell's with the blue cheese, celery, and carrots? What does that have to do with anything? Am I really supposed to mix blue cheese with the sour vinegar sauce? Somehow, I'm not convinced. Perhaps it's a religious obligation, or just for the Feng Shui of the plate.

Anyway, I eat them, and they're not disgusting, but Lord, I can't understand why people pay out the nose for undercooked, vinegar soaked chicken legs and wings. To me, they're a slap to the face. Some might be light and well executed slaps to the face, but I still don't see why anyone pays for them.


CHALLENGE #19: Down a shot of Piracetam

There's a fight going on online, between the 'pill' and 'drink' Piracetam factions. For those who don't know, Piracetam is a nutritional supplement that, unlike all other nutritional supplements, actually works. It increases blood flow to the brain without all the troubling financial and legal issues of crystal Meth. I highly recommend it.

The disagreement online is regarding the proper way to take it: by pill or mixed with water. Either technically works fine, and no better than the other way, but whereas I've always taken it by pill, some people complain that there's no reason to go through the trouble of encapsulating (your $10 word for the day) them, and it's just a pointless hassle.

Why encapsulate ($20 and counting)? The pill users counter: "It tastes terrible!"

The way they describe it, you'd think it was a mixture of pickle juice, sewage, diet Red Bull, and Piracetam (yes, it loops).

I made myself a batch mixed with water, and Amber directed me to the sink. I could always just toss it, but there's a special rung of hell reserved for people who waste good drugs. Since I might be rapping on the gates shortly...

*GULP*

Oh, you fricking whiners. That wasn't bad at all! I'm honestly disappointed. I guess if all you consume is Doritos and Mountain Dew, then yes it'd seem unbearable. As a person with a variety of tastes and culinary ($5 word, and we're up to $25) experiences, it wasn't bad at all. It's nothing like wasabi, or...


CHALLENGE #20: Eat some olives

That's what I get for ordering a salad in an Italian restaurant.

I force a smile and put a black olive in my mouth.

PAIN

FEAR

I pray for rescue, but to no avail. I consider dialing 911, but I don't want to open my mouth, fearing I might not be able to keep it down.

Do people seriously eat this willingly? Even pay money for this?! I pity the Romans, who had little else, because it went neck and neck with the wasabi. I down a few more, chewing along the way, or else it doesn't really count.

I swear to God, you do not want to know the images that went through my head. The nicest and most family friendly of them is a purple squid, delivered to my tongue raw.

How could olive oil, a rather innocuous ($35) and subtle liquid come from something so vile, so unholy, and so...olivey?

A pox upon olive growers, people who order olives on pizzas, and anyone who serves them the only way they could possibly be worse: without the pits removed.

*Shudder*


This is it!

The moment has come for me to reveal the WORST JOKE EVER!


CHALLENGE #21: Recall 101 times the worst joke ever was used


Someone farts.


That's it.


That's the worst joke ever. It occurs in movies, TV shows, books, and even video games on a nearly neverending basis, yet the joke never changes.

I know it started with Blazing Saddles, a favorite movie from my childhood, but I don't really blame them. Mel Brooks was bound to hit the joke eventually, and didn't reuse it often in most of hit movies.

No, I blame 'The Lion King'. That's the moment it became a 'kid-friendly' joke, and suddenly, we have every other joke in each kid movie be a fart joke. You know, Walt Disney himself hated kids shows/movies that were willing to do 'anything' for a laugh. He believed in clean wholesome humor, and never resorted to anything like a fart joke.

So if the dead eventually rise, I have a word of advice to Michael Eisner: start running. In fact, start running now.

With that floodgate opened, the fart jokes filled both the TV and airwaves, and the world was never quite the same. Sigh...so as a challenge, I'm going to recount 101 fart jokes, counting movies, TV, books, and videogames. Feel free to stop reading if you get too depressed to continue. I certainly understand...

1. Lion King
2. Blazing Saddles
3. George of the Jungle
4. Toy Story 2
5. Austin Powers 1
6. Austin Powers 2
7. Austin Powers 3
8. Master of Disguise
9. In Living Color
10. Scary Movie
11. Not Another Teen Movie
12. Star Wars Episode I
13. Wild Cats
14. Family Dog
15. Police Academy 5
16. Family Guy
17. Robin Hood Men in Tights
18. Who’s Line is it Anyway
19. Freakizoid (but more tasteful than most)
20. Curse of Fatal Death
21. That’s My Bush
22. Southpark
23. Ren and Stimpy
24. Naked Gun
25. Hot Shots 2
26. Road Trip
27. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
28. Chappelle Show
29. Lust in the Dust
30. Mystery Men
31. Who’s Your Caddy
32. Brain Donors
33. American Dad
34. Jerky Boyz the Movie
35. Tom Goes to the Mayor
36. Brak Show
37. Monty Python
38. Shrek
39. Robot Chicken
40. Dumb and Dumber
41. Muppets take Manhattan
42. MST3K the Movie
43. MST3K the TV show
44. Futurama
45. Simpsons
46. Catcher in the Rye
47. Canterbury Tales
48. Kids in the Hall
49. Liar Liar
50. Private Parts
51. Metalocalypse
52. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
53. Nutty Professor (Eddie Murphy remake)
54. Spawn (movie)
55. Shrek 2
56. Shaun of the Dead
57. Duckman
58. MXC
59. Powerpuff Girls (TV show)
60. Red Dwarf
61. Salute Your Shorts
62. Airplane
63. 3rd Rock from the Sun
64. Sealab 2021
65. Gladiator
66. Swimming to Cambodia
67. Goonies
68. Fairy God Parents
69. The Mask
70. Little Shop of Horrors (original, deleted ending)
71. Southpark Movie
72. Duece Bigelow
73. Venture Brothers
74. Assy McGee
75. Shin Chan
76. Waiting for Guffman
77. Daily Show
78. Mythbusters
79. Flesh Gordon 2
80. Scary Movie 3
81. Dogma
82. Toxic Avenger
83. Beavis and Butthead show
84. Toxic Avenger 4
85. Beavis and Butthead do America (movie)
86. Help
87. Pee Wee’s Playhouse
88. Abe’s Odyssey
89. Abe’s Exodus
90. Much’s Odyssey
91. Booger Man
92. Sam and Max (game)
93. Fable
94. Fable 2
95. Ace Ventura 2
96. Back to School
97. Howard Stern Show
98. Good Eats
99. Jiminy Glick
100. WWF/WWE
101. G Force (seriously Eisner, I wouldn't even stop to pack before running)

We interrupt your normally scheduled blog to inform you that Rifftrax, with the cast of MST3K is going to be doing a live show, broadcast across theaters around the country on August 20th, at 8pm!

Specifically, they'll be riffing 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'!

That's next Thursday at 8pm, and they're even going to be at the AMC 24 in Hamilton, NJ, which is where I'm going. Go to www.rifftrax.com for more details. See you there!


SUSPENSE?

Don't have that much time this week, so the worst joke in the history of mankind will continue to wait (suffer! ^_^) in lieu of some shorter, yet no less significant challenges:

14. FILE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

I'll be the first to admit, I have a high threshold for boredom. Sit me in the corner, and as long as I have a pen and some paper, I'll be as happy as a clam at a filter feeding competition.

Of course, if I'm filing, my mind can't wander, and must stay focused on the task at hand. This is the main reason my normal filing method can be summed up as 'piles'. I have 'this pile' and 'that pile', and of course, 'that pile over there'. It's all very scientific.

So for this challenge, I buckled down and did nothing but file for as long as possible in a row. Thanks to a lull at work, I had the chance to sort all their invoices into alphabetical order and then put them into the corresponding file.

20 minutes later, I was ready to call amnesty international. No human being should have to file for any length of time. It's literally sorting papers, then re-sorting them, putting them into cabinets in a very precise order, where they will never ever be looked at again.

Forget waterboarding, the CIA needs to investigate the 'alphabetizing, filing, and creating dividers for company subdivisions' torture. Those terrorists will never know what hit them!

About 40 minutes in, my brain shut off, and my limbs and spine more or less just operated on their own. At the 60 minute mark, I pulled the fire alarm and jumped out the window. Or something like that. It's hard to tell when your brain's shut off.


15. GO AN HOUR COMPLETELY STILL

With all that flailing around in the office and fire marshall hubaloo, I was definitely ready for a break, and what could be more relaxing than staying still for an hour?

Of course, I was staying ABSOLUTELY still for an entire hour. No scratching, turning, shifting, or looking around. No TV, radio, or similar distractions either. Nothing besides motionlessness, and silence.

The novelty wears off surprisingly quick. After about 10 minutes, I started to kill time by playing the movie 'Clue' in my head, scene for scene. Then the itches started.

Paraplegics never get enough sympathy, especially in regards to 'itches'. Those unfortunate enough to not even be able to speak leave others wondering what they really want.

I can now tell you: THEY WANT YOU TO SCRATCH THEIR F*CKING NOSE!!!

Eventually I got to the end credits of Clue, and fought off the near insanity of complete motionlessness, and then scratched away with the ferocity of a madman...leading me to the next challenge.


16. GO 24 HOURS WITHOUT INTENTIONALLY SCRATCHING

It starts small, like an overhead echo in a deep cavern. Pretty soon it's rising to a peak, and it's impossible to ignore. Eventually it consumes your every ounce of attention, turning into a deafening roar.

You scratch. You scratch as quickly and as frequently as your limbs will allow. Then you have to try again the next day.

This is the first of the challenges that I actually outright failed, at least in my first few attempts. Of course, no matter what, I caught myself reflexively scratching without even thinking, but that didn't count, as I couldn't find a way to avoid it.

Regardless, I could not intentionally scratch for an entire day, no matter how much it...ITCH! *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*

Sigh...regardless, the next day, I could not OH MY GOD IT'S SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT! *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*

I...*SCRATCH*

With the utmost intestinal fortitude, I somehow managed to eventually, after many many tries, go a full 24 hours without scratching.

There was pain.

Theer was burning.

There was (as far as I can tell) an invisible burning corkscrew digging into my knee.

Nevertheless, I somehow managed it, and I'm honestly not sure if it was worse than the wasabi or not.

I took shelter with my family, whom I knew would never intentionally hurt me.

Yeah, somehow I forgot about Amber.

With a grin that would've made the Marquis De Sade break into a cold sweat, she led me to Nicky, who had a particularly amused expression upon his face.


17. WITNESS AND TAKE PART IN AN EPIC DIAPER CHANGING

Picture this: it's a warm summer day in July. The toddlers in the family were playing in the pool, equipped with waterproof diapers. The inevitable occurs, and suddenly we're at the kitchen counter with adorable little Nicky.

The smell is everywhere.

Jenny casually pops off his diaper.

It's EVERYWHERE.

The water has...dear God...I can't even go into it.

How much does this kid freakin' eat?! You'd think he was consuming his own weight each day in fruit!

Throughout it all, Nicky is as pleased as can be, as if he'd achieved something spectacular. My God kid, you could at least feel sorry for us. But no, he's just happy to be a part of it all.

With mechanical rhythm and a stomach much stronger than my own, Jenny effortlessly disposes of the 'waste', cleans the boy off, powders him up, and slips him into a new suit, as I hold his legs up, and desperately wish I was back filing.

There's another torture for you, black ops. Get with the program. Simulated drowning is out. Paper pushing and diaper changing are in.

SUSPENSE!

This week's post is filled to the brim with suspense! What's the most boring state/country/meal/joke in the world? Where to begin?!

CHALLENGE #11: Research the most boring state in America

This one is a little difficult to remain impartial on. I mean, what qualifies something as being boring or interesting? In a week's time, I'm going to Washington D.C. for several days to check out all the museums. For kids, that's a nightmare of a school trip, but for me, it's bliss.

The most impartial way is to find the state that has the least amount of tourism, compared to its overall population.

Oh sure, it's easy to scoff at Rhode Island and Delaware, but compared to their size, they've got a decent amount of tourism. Maine has an incredible amount, and interestingly enough, there isn't enough law enforcement to go around, so each town has to literally fend for itself (now there's a 'Mad Max' style movie waiting to happen). Farming states? Not that boring, as there are plenty of festivals and at least one big city in each. Wyoming? Cool history. No, the battle comes down to 3 states...

South Dakota

Despite having Mount Rushmore and numerous tourist attractions, people only 'grudgingly' seem to show up. North Dakota is a party a minute extravaganza compared to South Dakota, which literally only seems to exist because of Mount Rushmore, and mining operations. Still, it's more interesting than...

Nebraska

Aside from Alaska (an interesting state, in a 'we all might die' sort of way) Nebraska is our emptiest state, and they simply have no excuse. This state is EMPTY. Well, empty aside from Omaha, which is Nebraska's way of holding onto 'culture' in the same way a man might dangle on the edge of a cliff from his fingertips. Boring, depressing, and ungodly empty. There's only one state worse. Our most boring state is...

Idaho

Potatoes!

That's it. That and gem mining. I tried searching for quite a while, but unless you're interested in something that's dug out of the ground, Idaho literally has NOTHING to offer us. That, and a very odd shape. What's the story behind that?

Oh well, let's take a break with the worst meal I've ever paid good money for.


CHALLENGE #12: Order the worst item at the worst restaurant you know

Have I mentioned that P.F. Chang's is garbage? They literally scoop up garbage at a landfill, and drop it on your plate.

Oddly enough, I can't entirely put them at fault, as I've tried 'Asian Fusion' in other places, and it's always garbage. Deluxe, high priced garbage, efficiently served by a very professional staff. What the f*ck?

For those that aren't aware, 'Asian Fusion' is a mix between Chinese, Thai, California, and the fourth circle of hell (the 'culinary' level, right between the 'dentistry' and 'traffic' floors).

They had quite a few dreadful abominations to choose from, but after a helpful instructional lesson from my waitress on 'how to pour liquids onto food', I decided the vegetarian dish, cooked in coconut milk looked like my best bet. Don't get me wrong, the description sounded fine, but it seems like something they'd screw up, and screwing up something I normally like is a far more efficient kick to the scrotum.

I was not disappointed. How the hell can they serve this food? How the hell can it be cooked in coconut milk and not taste like coconut milk? How the hell did they screw up broccoli? Since when is asparagus an Asian vegetable?!!!

Sigh...oh well, with that dish (which Gordon Ramsey would have force fed the restaurant's head chef, while screaming) out of the way, we go on to boring countries.


Challenge #13: Research the most boring country in the world

Not that far a stretch from our most boring states, only with far more to choose from. Instead of literally going over all of them, I decided to just look up topics on 'the most boring country in the world' on the net. Don't worry, I didn't just take a vote, that'd be cheating. Instead, I got quite a few names that kept coming up. After quite a bit of mind-meltingly tedious research, I separated the mostly boring (Andorra, Belarus, Taiwan) from the AMAZINGLY boring.

So without further ado, from least to most boring, here are the most boring countries in the world:

10. SWEDEN

Don't get me wrong, Sweden's an incredibly beautiful country, with a lot of fun architecture, and it's far more temperate then its neighbors.

They have a king, but it's been rated as the most democratic country in the world. They have a lot of great technology, but depend heavily on profits from natural resources. They're famous for being neutral in politics, but have a lot of military and police power. They believe in free trade, but the unions control everything. Black is white. Night is day. Etc, etc...

Sweden is simply a mess of contradictions. Perhaps that's what drives so many of them nuts, and drives them to dark depravity, and rampant folk dancing. Still, they're not that boring, at least not when compared to...


9. GREENLAND

It's like Antarctica, only without the charm.

Very empty, with fishing being the only real industry and source of income for the few poor inhabitants. There are a lot Inuits there, who are amazing survivors, considering they manage to survive in such a climate, and that since there's virtually no firewood, most of the fish they catch is eaten raw.

The country would be more boring if it were not so cold and menacing. Almost as boring as...


8. Luxembourg

An incredibly rich and tiny country. Overall, they have very little freedom, but compensate by getting drunk as often as humanly possible. On average, each citizen drinks 2.8 gallons of pure alcohol. That's not 2.8 gallons of booze, but PURE booze, when you separate everything out that isn't alcohol itself. Still, the country manages to be efficient, regardless.

Luxembourg is generally dull in practice, but in a very unique and interesting way, making them the Rube Goldberg of countries.


7. SWITZERLAND

The world pretty much runs with or without Switzerland. If the entire country disappeared tomorrow, Sci-fi style, we'd all just shrug and move on.

Switzerland is best known as the way-station between several other important countries. They're also RIDICULOUSLY democratic, to the point that the public can veto any law that the government creates, with a simple majority vote. Regardless, military service is compulsory for all citizens, making them almost as contradictory as Sweden.

It makes sense though, when you think about it. Being famously neutral, Switzerland has to be able to protect itself, so a strong military is required. Of course, like all other laws, the compulsory military service can be abolished by a simple majority vote, it just hasn't yet (last try only got 23% of the vote).

The country is very beautiful, and also has a large amount of economic freedom, most of the electricity comes from hydro-power, there's plenty of sports and skiing, and you're not reading this anymore, because it's incredibly boring in a pleasant sort of way, so I can write anything now. Clown penis, huge stonking tits, Godzilla is attacking the city, rain keeps falling on my head, Alton Brown/Gordon Ramsey deathmatch 2009, and several butcher's aprons.

Let's move on.


6. HUNGARY

A highly scientific country that invented the Rubiks cube and Paprika. You know your country's exciting when those facts feature prominently on your country's wiki page. It's pretty much just Sweden and Switzerland, only less interesting, and slightly more communist. Nice architecture though.


5. HOLLAND

Man, nothing's more boring than northern Europe, apparently. Holland's a jumbled, ridiculously wet country, with very little self identity. The citizens seem to identify far more with the individual cities in which they live, and Holland seems to merely exist as a way of holding them all together (the Nebraska of Europe).

The cities inside Holland are all fairly interesting, and each have an individual wiki page at least twice as long as Holland's own (Amsterdam being the largest wiki among them, obviously). Still, the country as a whole is damn boring.


4. BULGARIA

There was a time I believed this was the most boring country in the world, and Lord, it's close. They're an annoyingly successful socialist state, in both science and industry, with both personal/economic freedom and socialist values.

That sound you hear is the United States grinding its teeth. Yup, Bulgaria shows how Communism is done right, and that drives the Capitalist nations (who are all currently going through an economic shift that can best be described as 'falling down three flights of stairs') absolutely nuts...that is, if they give a f*ck. We generally don't. Overall, Bulgaria is very boring, with almost nothing to define it, other than its perplexedly upbeat, easy going, and socialist atmosphere.


3. FINLAND

Yet another annoyingly free and successful country. They're doing a lot better now that they've weeded out the old Soviet influences and corruption. Finland's an incredibly beautiful country...but you can pretty much just re-read any of the Nordic country's entries and you'll get the gist. Nothing unique to see here.


2. BRUNEI

Ah, it's nice to finally get out of Europe, and into the dull and peaceful...South Pacific nation?

Brunei is a curious anomaly, being primarily an oil producing country (much like many middle east nations), but relatively free and stable regardless. They're an island nation right above Australia, and where actually part of the British empire all the way up until 1986.

What's really amazing is that there's really nothing else to say about it. The entire nation is more or less nothing more than one large city, filled with business transactions, and absolutely nothing else of interest.

It takes a lot of work to be an island nation right next to Australia, India, and Singapore, and still be this boring. In fact, only one nation does it better...


1. DENMARK

Just when you thought we were out of Europe, here comes Denmark, the most boring country in the world.

They're yet another incredibly free and successful country, and despite being the descendants of the Vikings, they're not violent or wild at all. They must've gotten it all out of their system, apparently.

Virtually nothing ever happens in Denmark, ever, and yet they're statistically the happiest country in the world. I literally almost fell asleep at the computer, despite all the hot blonde girls inhabiting the country, and all the interesting . It's not just the country itself that's boring, but the culture. It's literally considered very 'rude' to be different, or try to excel too much.

Yes, everyone's expected to not only act a certain way, but perform no better than a certain level. Nothing ever changes, and nothing of any true importance is produced. You just live each day like the last...eat your numerous pastries and dumplings...make love to your gorgeous blond spouse (who has no personality whatsoever)...play very boring games with your equally blond and personality-less kids...go to sleep...repeat...and...

My God. This is how it happens.

Imagine the Vikings, raiding everywhere and gaining everything in the world you could possibly want. Imagine holding onto it, and never really losing it. Every day is peaceful and wonderful, as long as absolutely nothing ever changes, and nothing of any real importance ever happens.

Denmark is trapped. Poor bastards. They never even saw it coming.

I almost got trapped too, just reading about it. I nearly nodded off at the computer, and when I snapped to attention, I was about to purchase a one way ticket to Denmark, a blond wig, and a pair of wooden shoes.

Lord help us all.

The worst joke in the world will have to wait until next time. The icy, rigid allure of Denmark is still haunting my soul...

CURLING IS CHESS ON ICE

Not really. More like checkers.

Challenge #7: Follow competitive curling

Canadians are just so fricking polite that it makes you want to scream. Take curling, for example. It's bad manners to be loud, or to celebrate too openly (lest you hurt your opponent's feelings), and best of all, you're supposed to call your own fouls.

That's right, if someone breaks the rules, the only person who can call them on it is themselves. There are no referees, just a loose 'honor' system.

Best of all, when people began getting really good at the game...they changed the rules, to make it harder, so no one had too much of an advantage.

Can you imagine any of that happening in an American sport? Then again, sliding rocks down the ice while teammates with brooms sweep in front of it (if you weren't familiar with 'curling', I just described the sport in full).

Watching it wasn't too painful...at first. Then it just kept going. Apparently, the average game can take around 2 hours to complete! That's a lot of fricking sweeping! It was quite a bit of watching too.

It's similar to Bocce, if you're familiar with that. Basically, you're trying to get your stones closer to the target than your opponents, and can knock his stones out of the way with the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Whoa! What happened? An hour just passed, and I've got qwerty face (keyboard imprint on face). I think it's just better for all involved if I just leave the rules as: throw rocks, sweep, and drink beer.

Boring? Oh my, yes. Painfully boring? No more than baseball. Take of that what you will. ^_^


Challenge #8: sleep on the floor

In an attempt to go the more 'uncomfortable' route than 'boring' or 'painful' ones, I simply slid out of bed onto the floor one night, and went to sleep. No pillow and no blankets.

It'd be a stretch to call it 'acceptable', but hey, I did get some sleep...and a hell of a stiff back in the morning. Oh well, sure beats a cold shower.


Challenge #9: Research the history of vice presidents

Damn!

I mean...DAMN!

I expected a completely droll snooze-fest, but instead I was treated to a detailed history of more violence, political maneuvering, sex, and conspiracy than I ever possibly imagined.

It's true, the early vice presidents were all highly controversial figures, who not only held a fairly good amount of political power, but regularly got into gun duels, fistfights, and...well, let's face it, who didn't bang Abigail Adams back then?

How could this be? The answer lies in the fact that originally, vice presidents weren't nominated. They were simply the next runner up in the election. Imagine if John McCain was Obama's vice president, or Al Gore was George W. Bush's.

As you can imagine, things got a little tense, with one (Aaron Burr) going as far as shooting a man dead in a duel, and it certainly wasn't the first he'd fought. Even when the political parties began to take root, and elected their own vice presidents, the beautiful chaos rolled on for quite some time.

All this glorious vice-presidential carnage came to an abrupt halt with William Wheeler.

Let me set the stage: it's 1874, and due to political maneuverings, presidential hopeful Rutherford B. Hayes has allowed the New York delegation to pick any person they wished for the position of Vice President.

This created a problem, because the delegation couldn't think of anyone they could all agree upon for the job. Then one of the members jokingly said, "Why not Wheeler?"

Everyone laughed. Even Wheeler.

Wheeler was by no means a born politician. He was more in it for the comfortable lifestyle and nice parties. He had virtually no political aspirations whatsoever, and probably only got involved in politics because it beat being a lawyer full time.

The next morning, they surprised him with the nomination.

This man literally did NOTHING as vice president. He did even less than nothing, in fact, because he not only performed no noteworthy actions as VP, but he also made the position a joke. Suddenly, the position of vice president was little more than a paycheck for someone in the party that had nothing better to do with their time.

From that point on, vice presidents were almost meaningless, except perhaps as a test to see their chances as a presidential nominee...right up to Dick Cheyney. Whether he was shooting elderly friends in the face, selling America out to Haliburton (which he was financially intertwined with, coincidentally), or merely telling us to go fuck ourselves, he certainly made the position of vice president a far more interesting one.

God bless you Dick, wherever you are (Fox news, probably).


Challenge #10: eat 3 bugs

What's the big deal?

Compared to the ingredients of hot dogs and breakfast sausage, bugs seem rather tame. At least I know what the ingredients are: 1 bug. Insect/vermin content: 1 per serving.

I draw the line at a worm. I dissected one of those in grade school, and I have no desire to go any further. Ditto for any insect with stingers and such.

I started with one of the various bugs near my house, called a box elder beetle. At our house we call them 'dumb bugs', due to their complete lack of survival instincts. You can literally slowly lower your foot down upon them. They also seem to forget that they can fly. Finally, they can only survive in trees, so if you find them in or on the house, it means they're lost.

Ewwwwwwwww...that was nasty! Yuck! No wonder they don't need a survival instinct. They taste terrible! It took me quite a while to get the taste out of my mouth from that one.

The fly I tried next wasn't as bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. Truth be told, it didn't taste much like anything.

The final choice was an ant, and believe it or not, those little guys pack a lot of flavor. I'm not saying I'd chow down on them, but if I had to eat a bug on a regular basis, that'd definitely be the one.

I remember being asked when I was a kid: if I'd eat a bowl full of bugs for $10,000. Now I know the answer for sure: I'd do it for $200. Hell, I'd do it just to avoid eating more wasabi! ^_^

What? This is all for science! Science and experimentation. Remember, you can't really be sure if you'll like something until you actually try it.

Next time: boring states, even more boring countries, a meal more disgusting than a bowl full of bugs, and the worst joke ever

MEGAN FOX'S WEIRD THUMB ONLY MAKES HER HOTTER

Ever see her weird thumb? If not, go check now.

Isn't that weird? Regardless, it only makes her hotter. Why? Because now she seems more accessible. Now guys can imagine her crying about her weird thumb, and we console her, assuring her that she's gorgeous, and it makes her so happy, and then we have sex.

Only if we're not already in committed relationships, of course. ^_^

Anyway, I'm going to take a moment and defend Transformers 2. People keep saying it has virtually no plot, and it's all about robots fighting and Megan Fox running in slow motion.

That's all very true...and I'm trying to see what the problem is. That's pretty much all the movie's main selling points.

Yes, there are numerous plot holes...an incredible number in fact, including why the Autobots never seem to be around when they're needed, why Sam doesn't tell anyone about the shard of the cube, why Megan Fox doesn't have a bikini scene, and the complete lack of dinobots.

Regardless, there are some things I'm going to defend as not being plot holes:

Why/how did the Decepticons get their agent into Sam's college, when doing so would take months to arrange, and they only found out about the shard the day before? She's a shapeshifter, so I'm assuming she killed a real girl and took her identity. It'd be a LOT easier than the alternative.

Why could the shard bring Megatron and Jetfire back to life, but not Optimus? Jetfire was just hibernating, and Megatron was re-assembled first. The Decepticons simply have an AWESOME doctor, and Rachett is a really crappy one. Of course, they had to kill a fellow Decepticon to do it too, and the autobots wouldn't do that. In other words, those Decepticons were just 'mostly dead', and Optimus was 'dead dead'.

The Autobots were hunting and killing hiding Decepticons, giving them no chance to surrender. Isn't that really dark/unethical? Yup, but this is war, kid, it ain't pretty. Also, that Decepticon at the beginning caused the chemical spill, so they weren't exactly innocent.

Now that those are out of the way, let's move on to a few new plot holes, that I noticed with the repeat viewing:

1. Why is there a tiger in Egypt? Did it escape from the zoo? Tigers are from central and east Asia. It might as well have been a kangaroo.

2. Remember the scene where wheelie shows the points on the map, where the hidden old robots are? They say 'there's one in Washington DC'. Actually, there wasn't. The closest were ones in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

3. Why is the film from the 1930's in full color?

4. Why is Egypt so empty? Africa is one of the most crowded places in the world. Where is everybody?!

5. Why is every person in Egypt either a dirt poor farmer or soldier? I'll answer this one: Michael Bay is racist. Look at the RC twins and tell me otherwise. Seriously though, that's just how he envisions all African people, but you'd think that the Egyptian Pyramids would have more of a tourist trade. People living in ruins? I google image searched Egypt Pyramids and got this picture:



I don't think Michael Bay has any clue what Egypt really looks like.


6. Why did Megatron shrink? I know they rebuilt him, but did they really need to rebuild him smaller? In the first movie he was HUGE! Now he's barely larger than Starscream.

7. Where the hell are all the Autobots going?! Yes, I know that isn't a 'new' complaint, but seriously! Every five minutes, half the cast disappears! Where the hell is Bumblebee when Sam/Optimus needs them? Where did the RC twins go at the end (to the scrap heap, hopefully)?

8. Megan Fox, in a downright bizarre film flub, appears clothed in all of her scenes.

I cannot stress the last point enough.

AYN RAND IS THE FEMALE HUNTER S. THOMPSON

More or less.

Anyway, we move on to challenge #4:

4. READ ATLAS SHRUGGED

You know, it wasn't that bad.

Don't worry, I'm not becoming one of those Ayn Rand nuts...on that note, did you know her real name was Alisa Zinov'yevnamakel'andevanabillybofanafifofana Rosenbaum? It was something like that. No wonder she changed it.

Atlas shrugged is more or less the ultimate 'sulk in the corner' for intellectuals. Remember those kids who swore they'd run away from home or die because their parents didn't buy them a new toy or pony? That's Atlas Shrugged in a nutshell.

The best part of the book is actually the most famous (or infamous in some circles). It's actually the speech towards the end of the book that lasts over 50 pages. If it were really spoken, it would literally last over 3 hours, and most of it is repetition.

That aside, if you skim it, you'll find a thoughtful sermon on self reliance, personal responsibility, character, and inner strength. It praises free thought, free enterprise, and justice, while condemning censorship, socialism, and undeserved mercy.

When Ayn says 'live free or die', it's not just a credo, but a threat.

Especially at this stage in history, it's difficult to scoff at her claims that most of society's problems come from people expecting everything to be given to them for free, without receiving any personal responsibility for their own actions, or bettering society as a whole in any significant way. With the recent market meltdown, there's something to be said for this opinion.

So why am I not bowing down and worshiping Ayn Rand right now? Her solutions won't work. Critics made great auditors, but poor engineers. Throughout the ending, her solution is for society to give total control over to intellectuals, and for all military forces to disband. All in all, her solution falls somewhere between Libertarian and laughable.

Regardless, her personal credo, of only taking what you earn, giving no charity or mercy (as by definition, neither is earned), taking pride in yourself, and demanding the right to live free and follow your own path in life, is highly commendable.

Some other noteworthy parts of the book include a terrible train accident that results from the willful negligence of politicians, businessmen, and taxpayers (after Katrina, it's hard to scoff). What really makes the scene interesting (and again, infamous) is that Ayn Rand examines every person within the train, and shows that they each, in some way, were partly responsible for the crash. Overall, they all think 'the problems of society are not my own, so I won't be bothered by them', and then all die in the crash.

Finally, the name of the book gets its own name from another noteworthy scene, where one character tries to convince another intellectual/entrepreneur that they must abandon the abusive and neglectful politicians and businessmen that depend on them for the ideas, products and services they provide.

The female protagonist said that the ultimate metaphor for their plight was Atlas, who struggled and suffered eternally, while carrying the world on his shoulders. She asks: "What would you tell Atlas to do?" and the man says "I have no idea! What could you possibly tell him to do?" and she simply responds "To shrug."

In other words, to toss the world off his shoulders. If they aren't going to give anything back, or do any work themselves, then supporting them is not only torture, but morally and ethically wrong. It's a selfless hero eternally suffering, so that the weak, lazy and greedy can get all the reward, without working for it.

Not a bad book at all...but long. REALLY REALLY long and repetitive.

There, I just saved you 1,000 pages of reading.


5. PUT SELF ON 'HOT OR NOT' WEBSITE

With all that intellectual self indulgence, I realized that I probably needed to be taken down a peg or two, so it's off to the 'hot or not' website. The website name pretty much explains what it is. You post your picture, and anonymous people rate you from 1 to 10.

I decided to use my basic picture, against the black background. Overall, it's my good side, but you still get a good shot of the humongous nose, ears, glasses, bald spot (around temples), and a peak of double chin.

I braced myself for the worst...

Huh. I actually didn't rate bad at all. Perhaps it's because the majority of women on the site are teenyboppers who like older men, or cougars looking for a younger fella. I've found, throughout my life, that I seem to appeal mainly to women furthest away from my age. When working at the mall, I got hit on a little by the shoppers, but only the teenage girls and elderly women.

Hell, one of the teenage Jewish girls, roughly 1/3 my size (who swore she was 18, but I didn't believe her) even asked me out, while 'more or less' sitting on my lap.

I said no...but it took me a second to think about it. What? Hey, I was single for a long time, so sue me. At least I didn't consider going out with one of the grannies. ^_^

Anyway, I've darted around the issue long enough. Here's the breakdown of my 'rating'

My average rating was 7.6 (not bad at all)

15% rated me 1-2

10% rated me 3-4

50% rated me 5-6

25% rated me 7-8

No one rated me 9-10 (not a huge surprise)

Unbelievably, I was rated more attractive than 73% of the guys on the site.

Now, you fellow math nerds might realize that the numbers result in an average closer to 5.2, rather than 7.6, but that's because the site takes into account how people vote overall. In other words, if they know you only give 1-5, or only give 7-10, then they weigh your ratings differently, so the ratings you give more or less come out to a range of 1-10, no matter how you actually vote.

Basically, it seems that I mainly appeal to women who normally don't like the guys on the site. Most of the other guys are teens...so yeah, I definitely think it's the 'older guy' factor. Teenage girls just don't like teenage guys. Can you blame them?

So don't give up hope, fellow geeks! Just look for younger women. Just keep it about 18. No fair chasing jailbait (I'm looking at you, Jenny).


6. EAT A SPOONFUL OF WASABI

Okay, I have to admit, I've gotten off easy for the last two challenges. It's time to really buckle down and do something harsh. I decided to eat a spoonful of wasabi. For those uninitiated, wasabi is a VERY spicy garnish for sushi. Real wasabi is rare and expensive, which is why at normal places they use horseradish. Pure horseradish, colored green.

For personal safety, I decided that I didn't have to actually swallow it all, but had to take a heaping spoonful and put it in my mouth, as if I were eating pudding.

Why? Because I know a guy who did. He'd never eaten at a Japanese place before, and asked what the green stuff was. One of his 'friends' (I'm using the term loosely here) jokingly said it was green pudding. Since there was green ice cream (pistachio) and green sweet dumplings, it wasn't that much of a stretch.

So he took a spoonful, and before anyone could say anything, shoved it in his mouth.

So I went to the Japanese buffet, got a nice heaping spoonful, and while no one was looking, did the same.

Our results were similar.

SWEETFUCKINGMOTHEROFMERCYJEESEHOODLYQUINTUPLESHITFUCKYFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

It was in every corner of my mouth.

It was in my throat.

I could feel it in my nose.

Hell, I could feel it in my EARS.

Soda didn't help, and neither did wiping it off. All that could save me was a frenzied rush to the men's room, past bewildered waiters and waitresses. There, I properly hosed down and scrubbed off the inside of my mouth. Regardless, I was almost sick with agony.

That's it.

I'm completing these challenges to the end, no matter what.

There's no way that spoonful of wasabi is going to be for nothing!


NEXT WEEK: History, agony, bugs, and fiendish thingies!

Oops!

Sorry, lost track of time again.

I was busy watching the new Star Trek movie. For a month and a half. Honest.

Oh well, it's time to go back at it, with what's quite possibly my strangest idea yet! Okay, perhaps it's impossible to be stranger than the train trip one, or the Nerd RPG, but damn it, I'm going to try!

It struck me one day at the gym, while I was waiting for the shower to heat up (I swear, it takes about a full minute to go from ice cold to 'sorta cold'), when I realized how much effort I give each day, just to feel comfortable.

I'm not talking about avoiding significant pain, injury or misery, I'm just talking about those little annoyances and inconveniences that I refuse to live with, or deal with directly.

Why am I spending so much time recoiling away from it? Why not embrace it, just to see how bad it really is?

So I stepped into the shower while it was still ice cold.

ICE cold.

I cannot overemphasize the COLDNESS of the water. The fact I had just finished working out, driving my body heat up, turned the gym shower into a miniature sauna. It was all I could do not to scream, and get the authorities involved.

I tried again the next day, this time in my own home, where I'm free to scream like a little girl as I please. Once more the next day, and I confirmed my suspicions...

It sucks.

Hot water RULES! There's no doubt about it, and I don't plan to voluntarily take a cold shower again...still, it wasn't the nightmarish scenario that sitcoms and commercials want us to believe.

It was at that moment, that I realized the first challenge was done.

1. TAKE 3 COLD SHOWERS

Perhaps it was the ice cold water freezing highly necessary regions of my brain, but I decided to make an official personal challenge out of it all. It was time to stop avoiding unpleasantness, just for the sake of knowing that 'yes, I've done that, and it sucks'.

Now, this isn't an over macho test of fortitude or will. No, none of these tasks are meant to be a measure of anything, except perhaps stupidity, insanity, or (hopefully I fall into this category) open mindedness.

I won't be doing anything obviously dangerous or illegal here, and it can't be anything that I'd do anyway. Some of them might not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, it's downright terrible to me.

On a side note, my sister Amber seems a bit suspiciously 'eager' to help me think up challenges. I guess that's what I get for asking my little sister to help come up with unpleasant things for me to do.

How high will it go? Who knows? Let's just get on with it!


CHALLENGE 2. LEARN BASIC AGRICULTURE


Every once and a while, I'm asked a question about plants, or agriculture. Hey, I work at a garden supply store/wholesaler, it happens. Of course, what not everyone knows is that I'm the computer geek at a garden supply store.

My usual reply to plant/gardening questions is as follows:

"If you show me the plant in question, I will probably...no promises here...probably be able to tell you if it's real or fake. Maybe."

I know NOTHING about plants. Literally NOTHING.

Oh sure, I know the basics, but when someone actually says the word 'photosynthesis', my mind envisions the plant making food from sunlight with miniature cartoony gears, and helpful elves. The science behind agriculture merely baffles me.

So it was time to force myself to sit down and read about it.

I checked out a basic book on agriculture, and was surprised with what I found. I won't bore you with all the details, but plants are seriously twisted life forms.

For example, although plants absorb sunlight and carbon dioxide through their leaves, they eat and drink through their roots. I know it might not seem weird to you, but the thought of plants actually 'eating' through their roots makes them seem more like an awesome Spore creature than anything else.

I learned why crop rotation is important, and how the loss of fossil fuels is going to make feeding everyone a lot more difficult, since you need it to make most commercial fertilizer that isn't waste based. I'd be lying if I said it was an exciting read, but honestly, it wasn't nearly as boring as I imagines. Hopefully all the challenges will be this easy.


CHALLENGE 3. TRY EVERY ITEM A BUFFET HAS TO OFFER

God damn you, Amber.

Okay, it's not fair if I went to a Buffet I was already familiar with. No, this has to be an unknown buffet, filled with mystery, danger, and nearly unlimited lukewarm food.

I settled on a Chinese Buffet near the Monmouth mall. Amber dives into the crab legs like a wolf among lambs, leaving me to sample...well, everything. To make this physically possible, I decided to only take a little bit from each item, and to skip the basic 'filler' items that every restaurant has, like rice, soup, salad, fruit, and generic non-Asian desserts.

My first plate was a collection of assorted sea food and deep fried chicken. All in all, it was fairly innocuous, with nothing really being that bad or good. The second plate was where things started to go wrong. There was more seafood and main courses, but everything was overcooked, lukewarm, and drowned in sauce.

How the hell can something be overcooked and lukewarm?! Honestly!

I decided to take a break from the generic bland stuff and went for the dessert table. An absolutely delicious crab rangoon set me up for the following dish: a red bean dumpling.

This dumpling was nothing short of an atrocity. If possible, I would've called UN sanctions against this dumpling. The insides were burnt and terrible in ways I can hardly describe. During any normal day I would've passed over this questionable 'delight', but no, this was a challenge.

I swear to God, it's the closest I've ever come to actually eating a shit sandwich.

I tried to fight the taste off with sushi, but this wasn't normal sushi. Oh no, this was buffet sushi, which used crab spelled with a 'K', that arrived in tubs from Wisconsin. It wasn't all 'bad' per se, but my stomach was beginning to feel like something was seriously out of control, and the magical stomach elves that help digest food(if my knowledge of human anatomy is correct) all went on strike, leaving me to my fate.

That fate was the raw seafood table.

Now there's an important difference between sushi and raw fish. If these creatures had eyes, they'd be staring at me. With some reluctance, I filled my plate with the last of the food the buffet had to offer.

If I ever figure out how to move pictures from my cell phone to the internet, I'll post the picture of the food that nearly claimed my life.

First up was a clam. I wasn't sure if it was truly raw or merely steamed and then chilled, but besides being rubbery, it wasn't so bad.

Next up was the miniature octopus, with all the tentacles and everything. By this time, my stomach elves were not only on strike, but also chanting 'union' and burning the factory down. I decided to just take a bite of the head. It was really salty, and reminded me of escargot (I've only eaten it once, and it tastes exactly like you'd expect: salty slugs).

The raw oyster was all that was left. The wobbly...disfigured...bizarre looking oyster. After taking a moment brace myself, and a few cheers from Amber, my own personal sadist, I swallowed it whole, in one go.

It felt like I just inhaled a snort of seawater. Besides the spray of salty air, I could also feel the damn oyster wobbling its way down towards my stomach. That'll teach those damn elves. Get back to work! No breaks!

My only distraction from my experience was the 'date' happening at the table next to ours. If you ever wondered who would set up a date at a Chinese Buffet, I saw her. She was the kind of woman who's idea of 'dressing up for the date' was wearing the sort of clothes we wear on any normal given day. She even brought a bottle of wine. To a Chinese Buffet. Classy.

Her date was equally sketchy, and as they attempted mid 40's desperation filled 'small talk', I took it as the best time to leave. I can only pray that the next challenge is a little easier.


CHALLENGE 4. READ 'ATLAS SHRUGGED'

God damn it.