Work's busy, so just a short one...although I'll try to take on Myspace sometime during the week.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET 7B: AMBER'S FANFIC
It took a while, but I found it.
Sadly, there's no real description for the fic itself, so I'll do my best to sum up:
PC and Mac have finally found a program the two of them to agree on: Firefox! But has all of PC's favorite bookmarks (with subfolders) been transfered from IE? It's up to Mac to find out!
Mac/PC
http://tinyurl.com/2ejhbd
You have got to be kidding me.
Who...wha...where...uhhhhhhhhh...
Alright, let's do this.
...
The .44 magnum was heavy, but of course PC was holding it wrong. Mac knew this, but why would he give advice to the man who was currently pointing a gun at him? Besides, it would only make him madder.
PC's hands were shaking and a spew of spittle fired from his mouth as he blurted out, with emphasis,
"I SAID...HAVE...MY...BOOKMARKS...AND SUBFOLDERS MOVED OVER CORRECTLY?!"
The way PC was sweating, his glasses were surely going to begin to slip down any moment now. When they did, Mac knew he'd unconsciously fix them, holding the gun with only one hand. Being only a few feet from the barrel, all Mac had to do was grab the gun away...he just needed to keep him talking.
"What bookmarks and subfolders do you...
"YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHICH BOOKMARKS I MEAN...thinkgeek, the onion, myspace, that kind of thing..."
Mac smiled knowingly.
"And..."
PC sneered, stamped his feet slightly, his glasses beginning to slowly slip down the bridge of his nose.
"And...the official Harry Potter message boards..."
Mac nodded thoughtfully and raised a finger, asking,
"What about pornfidelity.com?"
"No, I don't keep that on...HEY!"
PC shook, his glasses barely staying on the end of his nose. His left hand unconsciously moved to fix them...causing Mac to leap forward.
PC attempted to fire.
Mac attempted to twist the gun so it was facing away from him.
They both succeeded.
A single tremendous shot ripped through the front door. An ominous thump followed. In a panic, PC lunged towards it and threw it open, revealing a fallen body, already dead, a single hole torn through its heart.
It was Linux.
"Oh thank God! I thought I killed a real..."
PC realized he was alone.
He cocked back the hammer of the .44 and did a quick sweep of the house, pointing the gun into each room until he found Mac...in the computer room.
"WHAT ARE YOU...hey! My bookmarks!"
"That's right! I've easily translated your bookmarks into Firefox from Internet Explorer without any trouble."
"Has it kept my subfolders?"
"Of course! And that's not the only feature it has! There's also..."
Mac hurled the computer monitor directly at PC's foot, causing him to lose balance and fire into the air. Mac then lunged himself forward, wrestling with PC for the gun, firing shot by shot off randomly into the darkness of the room...until the gun gave off a single, hollow click.
Mac and PC glared at each other and backed off, knowing this would have to be finished...like gentlemen.
PC dropped the gun, tossed off his jacket and began rolling up his sleeves.
Mac gave a small smile as he stretched his neck and back.
PC shifted his feet and hands into a traditional Karate stance.
Mac reared himself up and then slunk down into Preying Mantis style.
PC sneered and flicked a few punched forward, whipping quickly into the air.
Mac, unimpressed, lunged forward and snapped a lightning quick jab in PC's direction.
Their eyes met.
They knew the time for play was over.
It was on.
Mac lunged forward, hands snapping out towards PC's throat, as PC stepped forward and thrusted a single, short kick directly into Mac's crotch.
Mac then scrunched up, toppled back, spun around, and then fell onto the floor.
PC adjusted himself as a croak came from the ground,
"You douchebag."
"Whatever, pussy. Now come on, we have to bury Linux."
"'Kay."
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Before we start today's challenge...wow, deja vu...
You awaken in a bathroom stall, your head is pounding...
No, no, I must stay focused. Specifically, I must stay focused on HORRIBLE movies. Let's break down some of these movies, from best to worst, as promised.
1. HITLER, DEAD OR ALIVE
I swear to god, one of the male reporters in the beginning of the movie is feeling up one of his fellow male reporters. It's kind of disturbing. It's not ridiculous, just the traditional overt 'casually touching the other person at every possible occasion' including a pat on his stomach/waist area. Like I said, weird to see in a movie.
Anyway, this movie was actually pretty good, but a straight comedy, not a drama. A few gangsters, just out of prison, decide to take up a million dollar bounty on Hitler's life. They enlist in the army, hijack a plane, and hilarious antics ensue. It got a little ridiculous eventually, but still, it was thoroughly watchable.
It only goes downhill from here. Perhaps we can just stop, and talk about Homestar Runner or something? No? Sigh...downhill we go...
2. INCUBUS
Shatner, before Star Treak. I wasn't aware at first, but the foreign language everyone is speaking through the film is ESPERANTO. For those who don't know, Esperanto was an invented, universal, phonetic language, where you can tell exactly how to pronounce every word based on how it's spelled. So basically, it's like every language besides English. Anyway, no one actually uses it, except in a bizarre attempt to make a movie more surreal.
Incubus is filmed in black and white, and it's actually not bad, or in the very least it's interesting. The movie's about demonic women who tempt men to their doom (I think I've dated a few in my time), and the whole movie takes place in a old fashioned, vague coastal village. The best scene in the movie has a drunk standing next to a tree that's covered in birds. The camera cuts away to a close up of him, and when it cuts back to the tree, there's a pretty young woman in a simple dress standing on one of the branches, where a bird previously perched. Needless to say, it does not go well for him. Add a few bizarre scenes of a priest holding a frog and sucking on an egg (I don't know), and Shatner having some awkward sexual tension/flirtation with the character who's supposed to be his sister (I'm definitely sure that wasn't in the script...but you know, it's Shatner), and you've got yourself a delightfully bizarre movie.
3. HORROR EXPRESS
Another fine British horror movie starring Christopher Lee and the villain in charge of the Death Star in Star Wars (evacuate, in our moment of triumph?). Explorers find an ancient fossil that comes to life and fries people. Good stuff. The only downside of the movie is it follows a traditional British horror pattern. You have danger, excitement...and then we're introduced to 30 new characters, one by one, each one more boring and British than the last. Damn it.
4. NINJA AMERICAN WARRIOR
Christian was right, this is by far the worst movie of the bunch. It was so bad, it was hilarious. Ninjas appear to fight our main character, wielding deadly weapons including plastic rings, and flamng gardening gloves...that's right, gardening gloves, like you'd wear while pruning hedges...on fire...threatening our main character.
After easily defeating these pathetic ninjas, the main character pulls on the least convincing mask in cinematic history. It's literally a white piece of cloth with a face drawn on it in marker.
Why'd they even bother? So they can splice in half of a much better Japanese martial arts movie. You see, the American actors wear masks and APPEAR to be these Asian people.
Yes, it's that pathetically hilarious, with emphasis on hilarious. It's too funny to really be painful.
Can't we stop here?
5. STREET FIGHTER'S LAST REVENGE
A Japanese James Bond beats the crap out of every single human being he crosses, including the pretty girls (if the first twenty minutes are any indication). The movie includes a hilarious flip through a ceiling and a telekinetic Mexican (don't ask). Ridiculous, but still all in good martial arty fun.
6. AMAZING MR. BLUNDEN
A dry yet delightfully creepy British ghost story which includes a young actress who is...hold on...born in 1954...movie is from 1972...whew! It's safe, she's really pretty. Her real name is Lynne Frederick and she eventually became our modern day equivalent of Anne Nicole Smith. She was very pretty (no figure, but a gorgeous face), appeared nude in just about everything, married a rich and powerful older guy (Peter Sellers if you can believe it), and then dropped dead at age 40 from severe alcohol and drug abuse.
Still, back in 1972, at age 18, she was absolutely gorgeous...which is when the movie came out...so the movie was most likely filmed a year earlier...when she was...
Uh oh.
Let's move on.
7. DESERT COMMANDOS
Don't let the guys from Desert Storm on the cover fool you, this is a WW2 movie, filmed in the 60's or so, with no war footage, tanks, planes or anything, and they wander through the desert. It's basically the opposite of Hitler Dead or Alive, with German soldiers trying to assassinate the Allied leaders, only without the laughs. It's alright, with an interesting land mine scene, but nothing really worth mentioning...oh, except that their commander IS a living, breathing Lego guy. He's even got the peg where you can attach the hat.
8. DOG DAY
Lee Marvin shoots about 30 people and then uses a rocket launcher to open a door. That's all that's really worth mentioning in this really shameful 'heist gone wrong' movie. Most shameful part? It's not the eight year old kid cursing at the cops (that was funny), no, it was the homely housewife calling to the black guy who's hiding (because he doesn't want to have sex with her). What does she call out as she hikes up her skirt? "COME TO MY WOMB!"
9. SLAVE OF THE CANNIBAL GOD
Not a bad movie...just nothing happens. I mean, it's one of the few movies in this bunch where the film is actually clear...but people just talk, wander through sparse woods that are supposed to pass for a jungle, trip, scream at spiders, talk about YAWWWWWWN...I'm just fast forwarding to the nudity. Still fast forwarding. Wow, that took forever. Okay, she's hot...in a European supermodel past her prime kind of way. Moving on.
10. DEMENTIA 13
Francis Ford Coppolla sure could direct them. This movie is haunting and beautiful, including a great scene where a body floats to the bottom of a lake with a radio floating down next to him, the sound being muffled by the water.
The plot is crap. The acting is crappy. The mood is tame and there has never been a less appealing kiss then between a man and a woman in cinematic history. Why? He's obviously really into it, but she isn't. The actress doesn't even pretend to enjoy kissing the guy. She just stands there like a statue while the guy basically tackles her and goes to town. I need a shower.
11. PROJECT KILL
Leslie Nielson (of Naked Gun fame) stars in this serious, barely visible spy action movie where they train assassins through drugs to be the perfect killers. That and walking. There's about five minutes of him walking through parking lots. Still, it was worth watching Leslie Nielson take down a bunch of guys with karate chops.
12. MUTANT
Why did I watch this movie as long as this? I honestly can't remember. Let's see...attic, guy kills through burning touch...car rides into ditch...oh that's right! There's a delightfully creepy backwoods sketchy guy who gives them a ride. Wait...damn it! He didn't kill them! Come on!
13. ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
Sherlock Holmes is back and he's more dull, smug, boring and condescending than ever! Remember all those drugs, murders and suspenseful battles? Well forget about that! This is a serialized FAMILY version of Sherlock Holmes. It'll be just like Wishbone, only without the fun. Moving on.
14. SNAKE CRANE SECERT
The first ten minutes weren't bad. It was a traditional Asian story of revenge and martial arts, with orphaned children on the run and heroic Buddhist monks. The hero finishes telling the backstory of his search for the missing children, and must move on to further adventures...and the credits roll!
No they don't. The movie grinds to a hault, new ridiculous subplots are introduced, and I pine for an ending credits. This movie wouldn't have been bad if they ended it there. Admittedly, it would have been short, but I wouldn't have been disappointed.
15. DEATH JOURNEY
It's sad when movies can't afford actors. Everyone in this film might as well have been pulled right off the street. I swear to god, they're reading every single line off of cards behind the camera. Anyway, there's a mobster on trial and the only one who can save the main witness is THIS COOL BLACK GUY IN SLOW MOTION!
REALLY SLOW MOTION! Seriously, it takes him about a full minute to cross the room. Then we watch him take a martial arts class, which he isn't particularly good at. I swore to keep watching until he actually said anything. About twelve minutes in I got an 'okay' and I moved on.
16. RAGE OF THE MASTER
Interestingly enough, the description of the film on the back of the DVD wasn't for this movie...and it didn't fit the title either. The movie was about the rage of a master though, as his dojo is destroyed by Thai kickboxers dressed in Hercules outfits and feminine wigs. Line of the movie: Bad guy points to guy in cape and girly wig "This is the kickboxing champion of all Thailand!" Points to dozen other girly guys in short shorts and wigs, "These are also famous boxers."
Of course they are.
17. LEGEND OF THE 8 SAMURAI
No action. You see the results of the action. You hear the action. You see the severed heads that resulted from the action. But with the exception of one spear to the back...no action. Walking though. Lots of walking.
18. THE DEAD WALK
GREAT opening speech by the villain. "You creature's of light..." There's also a great scene where the supposed hero is revealed to have killed (admittedly he killed an evil madman) in cold blood, and he's cursed by the madman's Igor-like assistant. It's a shame you can't see a damn thing though. The movie, as far as I can tell, was filmed in black & slightly less black. After watching a scene with no dialog and absolutely no visibility, I pined for the days of Ed Wood. At least he kept his films lit.
19. SPIDER'S VENOM
A REALLY HOT British girl naked in a pond. She kind of looks like Carol Cleveland (from Monty Python). Now there's a way to start a movie. Then a guy gets bitten by a spider and dies. Then he's alive again. Then he's an artist. Then there's a spy subplot. Then I moved on.
20. CONDITION RED
What's the point of having a women in prison movie if you're not going to have any nudity?! It plays out like a bad direct to cable movie, and the main hero doesn't make it any better. He only has one expression for the entire movie, and it's a cross between 'intense' and 'bored'. I have to agree with Amber, I think that actor was expecting gratuitous nudity and got more than a little bit disappointed. What a waste of perfectly good women in prison.
21. SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA
Standard British horror flick. A spy, who isn't the main character unfortunately, makes a great Phillip Marlowe-like escape from the cult (using his bonds as a noose), there's a slightly unappealing naked girl (had a 'drug proplem' kind of look to her) and then just like Horror express it grinds to a halt and we meet 30 characters. Not scary, just dull. The opening credits are hilarious with a corny silhouette of Dracula over a normal, daytime London street.
22. A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT
Richard Basart (Gypsy would be proud) did his best in this silly, made for TV version of Mark Twain's incredibly dull story. You know, until I watched this, and then tried reading it, I never realized how dull this story is. Apparently Connecticut Yankees were the peak of daring cultural figures a century or two ago, but to me he just seemed like an snobbishg, over-educated ass. Done.
23. DEADLY BUDDHIST RAIDERS
The most disappointing movie of the bunch. Not the worst, just the most disappointing. No deadly Buddhist raiders. None.
There are deadly Buddhists. There are raiders. They might have meant deadly raiders who raid Buddhists...or raiders who raid deadly Buddhists...but anyway, it was dumb and I hated the fact that there were legitimately good martial artists in the film. In fact they were quite good. The problem was they were the villains. The heroes were played by young actors who barely knew martial arts, but were allowed to win, thanks to jump cuts and the real martial artists apparently aiming to miss them.
It's like watching Neo effortlessly block well thrown punches, not because he's better, but because he's 'the one' (with a lot of help from special effects).
Best line:
GUY 1: "I hope no one comes in and tries to take over our Dragon Herb plantation. It'll be worth a fortune if there's a plague."
GUY 2: "There's a plague."
GUY 3: "There's also some people trying to buy up evertying."
GUY 1: "I wonder what they could want?"
ALL AT ONCE: "Dragon Herb!"
24. MONSTER MAKER
Apparently this oily German creep eventually makes monsters. For the first part of the movie, all he does is drool over a girl. Watching him take her hand, gaze into her genuinely creeped out expression, and give a long drawn out kiss on her hand...ew...ew...ew...ew...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I hope that actress got hazard pay.
25. INCIDENT ON A DARK STREET
Most movies that were actually failed pilots usually make some attempt to hide that fact. From the opening credits of the guy walking into his office to the credit of 'special guest star' (how the hell do you have a special guest star in a movie?) William Shatner, this is a TV show that wasn't good enough to air, so you can guess how well it works as a movie. It's basically young lawyers being young lawyers. I don't have the patience to wait for Shatner.
26. MURDER AT MIDNIGHT
Another movie that didn't bother actually hiring actors. There is indeed a murder, but it happens in broad daylight, not midnight, and the only actual good actor in the film is the main killer...who appears in the first five minutes and then disappears. The rest is the dullest, slowest, by the book police investigation you can imagine. Even the main heroine squeezing her boobs, complaining that they itch, isn't enough to get me to watch any more.
27. STAR WARS EPISODE 3
I threw it in, just for kicks, and the special effects were good...then they started talking. Could these really have been the best takes? Anakin Skywalker REALLY JUST DOESN'T CARE. He mumbles out his lines like a teenager being paid minimum wage to do it. I got up to the scene in the completely modern looking elevator (right down to the metal cable) and when it stops, they say the line that broke me:
"Did you push the stop button?"
Futuristic space war. Energy swords. Robots everywhere. Acclaimed Sci-fi epic.
Lucas writes the line 'Did you push the stop button?'.
Lucas...please stop writing dialog...please...
28. RANSOM
I don't really need to watch the movie, as the ending's written clearly on the back of the DVD, and in a sense I can't watch the movie, because the whole thing looks like it was filmed through gauze, but from what I heard, it starts with a bizarrely upbeat children's song about boy's and their moms, ant then a woman leaves her son alone at the grand canyon (thanks mom), he gets kidnapped (you're mom of the year) and then instead of working with the police (the ransom note magically disappears for an unexplained reason) she runs off on her own (I'm getting her something special this mother's day.
As a bonus, thanks to the description on the back of the DVD, we already know the kid is already dead! Isn't this magical?
29. DEADLY IMPACT
Computer hackers bicker, and then begin a slot machine scam through computer hacking. It's every bit as exciting as you imagine, and as a bonus, they play slots for about five minutes of screen time with nothing happening.
What will happen? Criminals will take the money away from them. How do I know this? I read the back of the DVD.
I have never before, in all my years, seen LESS happen in the first eight minutes of a movie. This beginning of this movie makes the beginning of Manos look like the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
30. VIRGIN TERROR
This director was just plain sick. It's a standard slasher movie story, but every scene involving the serial killer has this jazzy cool soundtrack along with it, as he disposes the corpses of teenage girls.
Okay, perhaps it's just a dumb slasher movie, and none of this is to be taken seriously.
The movie goes on to show the girl's grieving family, the long drawn out police process, and then after the tearful funeral it's right back to the serial killer doing his grisly work all to jazzy 'renegade cop' kind of beats, all to give the impression that the serial killer, and all serial killers, are really really cool.
This movie insults me on a spiritual level. Still, it's not the worst.
31. PRISON BREAK
There isn't a single member of this cast that I wouldn't punch in the face. I don't care if they're dead now. I don't care if the little boy is now seventy, I'm decking the lot of them.
Everyone in this movie is PAINFULLY cheerful, PAINFULLY nice and PAINFULLY noble, and they're up against the dullest, most generically evil villains that must have come right out of the old black and white Superman TV show.
I find myself clawing at my ears as the kid happily praises his soon to be father, who is presented as the absolute pinnacle of working class perfection, I vainly attempt to end my own life with a CD case as the heroine leaps into his arms and comes just short of proclaiming him the born again promised son of god, returned to us at last.
I find the scenes with the dull villains rather soothing as they get ready to frame the hero for a crime he doesn't commit, and of course he must take the blame or else his best friend will go to jail, which is just SO FUCKING BLOODY NOBLE YOU WANT TO PUKE!!!
Please don't make me finish that movie.
If you want me to, I'll beg.
What amazes me is that these movies aren't simply bad...they're each UNIQUELY bad. It's like a colorful rainbow of crap, with the merely boring and dull at the top, and the disgusting and agonizing torture at the bottom.
Why the hell did I do this? What was I thinking? I was thinking 'wow, this will be fun!'
I have a plan. It involves time travel and a hammer, and until I can pull it off I beg of you all to take these movies away. I'm keeping the Shatner DVD and American Ninja Warrior, but you can have the rest...or you can give them to someone else...or...dear God...you can force me to finish them. Please, be merciful.
Vinny gets 5, Steve gets 4, Amber gets 4, Christian gets 2 of the three remaining, and Frank wants me to...well we'll get into that later (if you make me watch them, it should probably be both movies on the DVD...waste not, want not...WAIT I DON'T WANT THEM NOW! SURELY THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH REASON NOT TO...eh, it was worth a shot)
Breakdown:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
DVD BREAKDOWN:
-King Arthur/Amazing Mr. Blunden
-Virgin Terror/Spider's Venom
-Mutant
-Project Kill
-Hitler Dead or Alive/Prison Break
-Horror Express/Satanic Rites of Dracula
-Dog Day/Code Red
-Ransom/Desert Commandos
-Snake Crane Secert/Rage of the Master
-Slave of the Cannibal God/Stateside Motel (not in competition, not a bad movie)
-Street Fighter's Last Revenge
-Dementia 13/Murder at Midnight
-Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (2 Discs)
-Legend of 8 Samurai/Deadly Buddhist Raiders
-The Dead Walk/Monster Maker/old cartoon (a pretty good strange one)
-Death Journey/Deadly Impact
After that...my brain's burnt. I'm going to take a breath and play Puzzle quest, then restart Puzzle quest as an easier character, and then after that I'll get to the competition. Wish me luck!
You awaken in a bathroom stall, your head is pounding...
No, no, I must stay focused. Specifically, I must stay focused on HORRIBLE movies. Let's break down some of these movies, from best to worst, as promised.
1. HITLER, DEAD OR ALIVE
I swear to god, one of the male reporters in the beginning of the movie is feeling up one of his fellow male reporters. It's kind of disturbing. It's not ridiculous, just the traditional overt 'casually touching the other person at every possible occasion' including a pat on his stomach/waist area. Like I said, weird to see in a movie.
Anyway, this movie was actually pretty good, but a straight comedy, not a drama. A few gangsters, just out of prison, decide to take up a million dollar bounty on Hitler's life. They enlist in the army, hijack a plane, and hilarious antics ensue. It got a little ridiculous eventually, but still, it was thoroughly watchable.
It only goes downhill from here. Perhaps we can just stop, and talk about Homestar Runner or something? No? Sigh...downhill we go...
2. INCUBUS
Shatner, before Star Treak. I wasn't aware at first, but the foreign language everyone is speaking through the film is ESPERANTO. For those who don't know, Esperanto was an invented, universal, phonetic language, where you can tell exactly how to pronounce every word based on how it's spelled. So basically, it's like every language besides English. Anyway, no one actually uses it, except in a bizarre attempt to make a movie more surreal.
Incubus is filmed in black and white, and it's actually not bad, or in the very least it's interesting. The movie's about demonic women who tempt men to their doom (I think I've dated a few in my time), and the whole movie takes place in a old fashioned, vague coastal village. The best scene in the movie has a drunk standing next to a tree that's covered in birds. The camera cuts away to a close up of him, and when it cuts back to the tree, there's a pretty young woman in a simple dress standing on one of the branches, where a bird previously perched. Needless to say, it does not go well for him. Add a few bizarre scenes of a priest holding a frog and sucking on an egg (I don't know), and Shatner having some awkward sexual tension/flirtation with the character who's supposed to be his sister (I'm definitely sure that wasn't in the script...but you know, it's Shatner), and you've got yourself a delightfully bizarre movie.
3. HORROR EXPRESS
Another fine British horror movie starring Christopher Lee and the villain in charge of the Death Star in Star Wars (evacuate, in our moment of triumph?). Explorers find an ancient fossil that comes to life and fries people. Good stuff. The only downside of the movie is it follows a traditional British horror pattern. You have danger, excitement...and then we're introduced to 30 new characters, one by one, each one more boring and British than the last. Damn it.
4. NINJA AMERICAN WARRIOR
Christian was right, this is by far the worst movie of the bunch. It was so bad, it was hilarious. Ninjas appear to fight our main character, wielding deadly weapons including plastic rings, and flamng gardening gloves...that's right, gardening gloves, like you'd wear while pruning hedges...on fire...threatening our main character.
After easily defeating these pathetic ninjas, the main character pulls on the least convincing mask in cinematic history. It's literally a white piece of cloth with a face drawn on it in marker.
Why'd they even bother? So they can splice in half of a much better Japanese martial arts movie. You see, the American actors wear masks and APPEAR to be these Asian people.
Yes, it's that pathetically hilarious, with emphasis on hilarious. It's too funny to really be painful.
Can't we stop here?
5. STREET FIGHTER'S LAST REVENGE
A Japanese James Bond beats the crap out of every single human being he crosses, including the pretty girls (if the first twenty minutes are any indication). The movie includes a hilarious flip through a ceiling and a telekinetic Mexican (don't ask). Ridiculous, but still all in good martial arty fun.
6. AMAZING MR. BLUNDEN
A dry yet delightfully creepy British ghost story which includes a young actress who is...hold on...born in 1954...movie is from 1972...whew! It's safe, she's really pretty. Her real name is Lynne Frederick and she eventually became our modern day equivalent of Anne Nicole Smith. She was very pretty (no figure, but a gorgeous face), appeared nude in just about everything, married a rich and powerful older guy (Peter Sellers if you can believe it), and then dropped dead at age 40 from severe alcohol and drug abuse.
Still, back in 1972, at age 18, she was absolutely gorgeous...which is when the movie came out...so the movie was most likely filmed a year earlier...when she was...
Uh oh.
Let's move on.
7. DESERT COMMANDOS
Don't let the guys from Desert Storm on the cover fool you, this is a WW2 movie, filmed in the 60's or so, with no war footage, tanks, planes or anything, and they wander through the desert. It's basically the opposite of Hitler Dead or Alive, with German soldiers trying to assassinate the Allied leaders, only without the laughs. It's alright, with an interesting land mine scene, but nothing really worth mentioning...oh, except that their commander IS a living, breathing Lego guy. He's even got the peg where you can attach the hat.
8. DOG DAY
Lee Marvin shoots about 30 people and then uses a rocket launcher to open a door. That's all that's really worth mentioning in this really shameful 'heist gone wrong' movie. Most shameful part? It's not the eight year old kid cursing at the cops (that was funny), no, it was the homely housewife calling to the black guy who's hiding (because he doesn't want to have sex with her). What does she call out as she hikes up her skirt? "COME TO MY WOMB!"
9. SLAVE OF THE CANNIBAL GOD
Not a bad movie...just nothing happens. I mean, it's one of the few movies in this bunch where the film is actually clear...but people just talk, wander through sparse woods that are supposed to pass for a jungle, trip, scream at spiders, talk about YAWWWWWWN...I'm just fast forwarding to the nudity. Still fast forwarding. Wow, that took forever. Okay, she's hot...in a European supermodel past her prime kind of way. Moving on.
10. DEMENTIA 13
Francis Ford Coppolla sure could direct them. This movie is haunting and beautiful, including a great scene where a body floats to the bottom of a lake with a radio floating down next to him, the sound being muffled by the water.
The plot is crap. The acting is crappy. The mood is tame and there has never been a less appealing kiss then between a man and a woman in cinematic history. Why? He's obviously really into it, but she isn't. The actress doesn't even pretend to enjoy kissing the guy. She just stands there like a statue while the guy basically tackles her and goes to town. I need a shower.
11. PROJECT KILL
Leslie Nielson (of Naked Gun fame) stars in this serious, barely visible spy action movie where they train assassins through drugs to be the perfect killers. That and walking. There's about five minutes of him walking through parking lots. Still, it was worth watching Leslie Nielson take down a bunch of guys with karate chops.
12. MUTANT
Why did I watch this movie as long as this? I honestly can't remember. Let's see...attic, guy kills through burning touch...car rides into ditch...oh that's right! There's a delightfully creepy backwoods sketchy guy who gives them a ride. Wait...damn it! He didn't kill them! Come on!
13. ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
Sherlock Holmes is back and he's more dull, smug, boring and condescending than ever! Remember all those drugs, murders and suspenseful battles? Well forget about that! This is a serialized FAMILY version of Sherlock Holmes. It'll be just like Wishbone, only without the fun. Moving on.
14. SNAKE CRANE SECERT
The first ten minutes weren't bad. It was a traditional Asian story of revenge and martial arts, with orphaned children on the run and heroic Buddhist monks. The hero finishes telling the backstory of his search for the missing children, and must move on to further adventures...and the credits roll!
No they don't. The movie grinds to a hault, new ridiculous subplots are introduced, and I pine for an ending credits. This movie wouldn't have been bad if they ended it there. Admittedly, it would have been short, but I wouldn't have been disappointed.
15. DEATH JOURNEY
It's sad when movies can't afford actors. Everyone in this film might as well have been pulled right off the street. I swear to god, they're reading every single line off of cards behind the camera. Anyway, there's a mobster on trial and the only one who can save the main witness is THIS COOL BLACK GUY IN SLOW MOTION!
REALLY SLOW MOTION! Seriously, it takes him about a full minute to cross the room. Then we watch him take a martial arts class, which he isn't particularly good at. I swore to keep watching until he actually said anything. About twelve minutes in I got an 'okay' and I moved on.
16. RAGE OF THE MASTER
Interestingly enough, the description of the film on the back of the DVD wasn't for this movie...and it didn't fit the title either. The movie was about the rage of a master though, as his dojo is destroyed by Thai kickboxers dressed in Hercules outfits and feminine wigs. Line of the movie: Bad guy points to guy in cape and girly wig "This is the kickboxing champion of all Thailand!" Points to dozen other girly guys in short shorts and wigs, "These are also famous boxers."
Of course they are.
17. LEGEND OF THE 8 SAMURAI
No action. You see the results of the action. You hear the action. You see the severed heads that resulted from the action. But with the exception of one spear to the back...no action. Walking though. Lots of walking.
18. THE DEAD WALK
GREAT opening speech by the villain. "You creature's of light..." There's also a great scene where the supposed hero is revealed to have killed (admittedly he killed an evil madman) in cold blood, and he's cursed by the madman's Igor-like assistant. It's a shame you can't see a damn thing though. The movie, as far as I can tell, was filmed in black & slightly less black. After watching a scene with no dialog and absolutely no visibility, I pined for the days of Ed Wood. At least he kept his films lit.
19. SPIDER'S VENOM
A REALLY HOT British girl naked in a pond. She kind of looks like Carol Cleveland (from Monty Python). Now there's a way to start a movie. Then a guy gets bitten by a spider and dies. Then he's alive again. Then he's an artist. Then there's a spy subplot. Then I moved on.
20. CONDITION RED
What's the point of having a women in prison movie if you're not going to have any nudity?! It plays out like a bad direct to cable movie, and the main hero doesn't make it any better. He only has one expression for the entire movie, and it's a cross between 'intense' and 'bored'. I have to agree with Amber, I think that actor was expecting gratuitous nudity and got more than a little bit disappointed. What a waste of perfectly good women in prison.
21. SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA
Standard British horror flick. A spy, who isn't the main character unfortunately, makes a great Phillip Marlowe-like escape from the cult (using his bonds as a noose), there's a slightly unappealing naked girl (had a 'drug proplem' kind of look to her) and then just like Horror express it grinds to a halt and we meet 30 characters. Not scary, just dull. The opening credits are hilarious with a corny silhouette of Dracula over a normal, daytime London street.
22. A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT
Richard Basart (Gypsy would be proud) did his best in this silly, made for TV version of Mark Twain's incredibly dull story. You know, until I watched this, and then tried reading it, I never realized how dull this story is. Apparently Connecticut Yankees were the peak of daring cultural figures a century or two ago, but to me he just seemed like an snobbishg, over-educated ass. Done.
23. DEADLY BUDDHIST RAIDERS
The most disappointing movie of the bunch. Not the worst, just the most disappointing. No deadly Buddhist raiders. None.
There are deadly Buddhists. There are raiders. They might have meant deadly raiders who raid Buddhists...or raiders who raid deadly Buddhists...but anyway, it was dumb and I hated the fact that there were legitimately good martial artists in the film. In fact they were quite good. The problem was they were the villains. The heroes were played by young actors who barely knew martial arts, but were allowed to win, thanks to jump cuts and the real martial artists apparently aiming to miss them.
It's like watching Neo effortlessly block well thrown punches, not because he's better, but because he's 'the one' (with a lot of help from special effects).
Best line:
GUY 1: "I hope no one comes in and tries to take over our Dragon Herb plantation. It'll be worth a fortune if there's a plague."
GUY 2: "There's a plague."
GUY 3: "There's also some people trying to buy up evertying."
GUY 1: "I wonder what they could want?"
ALL AT ONCE: "Dragon Herb!"
24. MONSTER MAKER
Apparently this oily German creep eventually makes monsters. For the first part of the movie, all he does is drool over a girl. Watching him take her hand, gaze into her genuinely creeped out expression, and give a long drawn out kiss on her hand...ew...ew...ew...ew...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I hope that actress got hazard pay.
25. INCIDENT ON A DARK STREET
Most movies that were actually failed pilots usually make some attempt to hide that fact. From the opening credits of the guy walking into his office to the credit of 'special guest star' (how the hell do you have a special guest star in a movie?) William Shatner, this is a TV show that wasn't good enough to air, so you can guess how well it works as a movie. It's basically young lawyers being young lawyers. I don't have the patience to wait for Shatner.
26. MURDER AT MIDNIGHT
Another movie that didn't bother actually hiring actors. There is indeed a murder, but it happens in broad daylight, not midnight, and the only actual good actor in the film is the main killer...who appears in the first five minutes and then disappears. The rest is the dullest, slowest, by the book police investigation you can imagine. Even the main heroine squeezing her boobs, complaining that they itch, isn't enough to get me to watch any more.
27. STAR WARS EPISODE 3
I threw it in, just for kicks, and the special effects were good...then they started talking. Could these really have been the best takes? Anakin Skywalker REALLY JUST DOESN'T CARE. He mumbles out his lines like a teenager being paid minimum wage to do it. I got up to the scene in the completely modern looking elevator (right down to the metal cable) and when it stops, they say the line that broke me:
"Did you push the stop button?"
Futuristic space war. Energy swords. Robots everywhere. Acclaimed Sci-fi epic.
Lucas writes the line 'Did you push the stop button?'.
Lucas...please stop writing dialog...please...
28. RANSOM
I don't really need to watch the movie, as the ending's written clearly on the back of the DVD, and in a sense I can't watch the movie, because the whole thing looks like it was filmed through gauze, but from what I heard, it starts with a bizarrely upbeat children's song about boy's and their moms, ant then a woman leaves her son alone at the grand canyon (thanks mom), he gets kidnapped (you're mom of the year) and then instead of working with the police (the ransom note magically disappears for an unexplained reason) she runs off on her own (I'm getting her something special this mother's day.
As a bonus, thanks to the description on the back of the DVD, we already know the kid is already dead! Isn't this magical?
29. DEADLY IMPACT
Computer hackers bicker, and then begin a slot machine scam through computer hacking. It's every bit as exciting as you imagine, and as a bonus, they play slots for about five minutes of screen time with nothing happening.
What will happen? Criminals will take the money away from them. How do I know this? I read the back of the DVD.
I have never before, in all my years, seen LESS happen in the first eight minutes of a movie. This beginning of this movie makes the beginning of Manos look like the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
30. VIRGIN TERROR
This director was just plain sick. It's a standard slasher movie story, but every scene involving the serial killer has this jazzy cool soundtrack along with it, as he disposes the corpses of teenage girls.
Okay, perhaps it's just a dumb slasher movie, and none of this is to be taken seriously.
The movie goes on to show the girl's grieving family, the long drawn out police process, and then after the tearful funeral it's right back to the serial killer doing his grisly work all to jazzy 'renegade cop' kind of beats, all to give the impression that the serial killer, and all serial killers, are really really cool.
This movie insults me on a spiritual level. Still, it's not the worst.
31. PRISON BREAK
There isn't a single member of this cast that I wouldn't punch in the face. I don't care if they're dead now. I don't care if the little boy is now seventy, I'm decking the lot of them.
Everyone in this movie is PAINFULLY cheerful, PAINFULLY nice and PAINFULLY noble, and they're up against the dullest, most generically evil villains that must have come right out of the old black and white Superman TV show.
I find myself clawing at my ears as the kid happily praises his soon to be father, who is presented as the absolute pinnacle of working class perfection, I vainly attempt to end my own life with a CD case as the heroine leaps into his arms and comes just short of proclaiming him the born again promised son of god, returned to us at last.
I find the scenes with the dull villains rather soothing as they get ready to frame the hero for a crime he doesn't commit, and of course he must take the blame or else his best friend will go to jail, which is just SO FUCKING BLOODY NOBLE YOU WANT TO PUKE!!!
Please don't make me finish that movie.
If you want me to, I'll beg.
What amazes me is that these movies aren't simply bad...they're each UNIQUELY bad. It's like a colorful rainbow of crap, with the merely boring and dull at the top, and the disgusting and agonizing torture at the bottom.
Why the hell did I do this? What was I thinking? I was thinking 'wow, this will be fun!'
I have a plan. It involves time travel and a hammer, and until I can pull it off I beg of you all to take these movies away. I'm keeping the Shatner DVD and American Ninja Warrior, but you can have the rest...or you can give them to someone else...or...dear God...you can force me to finish them. Please, be merciful.
Vinny gets 5, Steve gets 4, Amber gets 4, Christian gets 2 of the three remaining, and Frank wants me to...well we'll get into that later (if you make me watch them, it should probably be both movies on the DVD...waste not, want not...WAIT I DON'T WANT THEM NOW! SURELY THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH REASON NOT TO...eh, it was worth a shot)
Breakdown:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
DVD BREAKDOWN:
-King Arthur/Amazing Mr. Blunden
-Virgin Terror/Spider's Venom
-Mutant
-Project Kill
-Hitler Dead or Alive/Prison Break
-Horror Express/Satanic Rites of Dracula
-Dog Day/Code Red
-Ransom/Desert Commandos
-Snake Crane Secert/Rage of the Master
-Slave of the Cannibal God/Stateside Motel (not in competition, not a bad movie)
-Street Fighter's Last Revenge
-Dementia 13/Murder at Midnight
-Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (2 Discs)
-Legend of 8 Samurai/Deadly Buddhist Raiders
-The Dead Walk/Monster Maker/old cartoon (a pretty good strange one)
-Death Journey/Deadly Impact
After that...my brain's burnt. I'm going to take a breath and play Puzzle quest, then restart Puzzle quest as an easier character, and then after that I'll get to the competition. Wish me luck!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Hello! Before we start the challenge, I'd like to give the results of my horrible movie watching spree. Why? Because I must share the pain.
What the hell was I thinking? These movies aren't 'guy in a rubber monster outfit' bad, they're just BAD. These movies look like they were filmed through gauze. The dubbed movies all have one voice dubbing every character, including the women. To make it even worse, the exploitation movies barely had any exploitation in them at all! They were just boring! Who ever heard of a women in prison movie without any nudity?!!!
Needless to say, I was crushed, mashed, BUT NOT DEFEATED! I WATCHED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE GOD DAMN ABOMINATIONS...and some weren't that bad. Here's the list, with results of how long I could bear to watch them before turning them off (with a surprise last minute entry of Star Wars, Episode 3) from best to worst:
1. Hitler, Dead or Alive 18min 41 sec
2. Incubus 18min 20sec
3. Horror Express 17min 47sec
4. Ninja American Warrior 17min 00sec
5. Street Fighter's Last Revenge 16min 46sec
6. The Amazing Mr. Blunden 14min 35sec
7. Desert Commandos 14min 35sec
8. Dog Day 14min 24sec
9. Slave of the Cannibal God 14min 22sec
10. Dementia 13 14min 09sec
11. Project Kill 14min 05sec
12. Mutant 12min 28sec
13. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 12min 20sec
14. Snake Crane Secert 12min 11sec
15. Death Journey 12min 02sec
16. Rage of the Master 11min 54sec
17. Legend of the 8 Samurai 11min 51sec
18. The Dead Walk 11min 12sec
19. Spider's Venom 11min 10sec
20. Condition Red 11min 07sec
21. The Satanic Rites of Dracula 10min 37sec
22. Conneticut Yankee/King Arthur's 10min 34sec
23. Deadly Buddhist Raiders 10min 18sec
24. Monster Maker 9min 40sec
25. Incident on a Dark Street 9min 38sec
26. Murder at Midnight 9min 32sec
27. BONUS: Star Wars Episode 3 9min 31sec
28. Ransom 9min 20sec
29. Deadly Impact 8min 18sec
30. Virgin Terror 8min 12sec
31. Prison Break 7min 30sec
There were definitely different levels of 'badness' in these movies. The opening credits usually took about two minutes, and movies seemed to either last 15 minutes (not bad), 12 minutes (okay), 10 minutes (eh...), 8 minutes (bad), 7 minutes (very bad), 6 minutes (incredibly bad), or in one case barely over 5 minutes (shoots DVD player) after that.
These movies weren't just bad, they insulted my very existence. Some, I can see being made...
DIRECTOR: Hot chick dances around naked in pond and then kills a guy.
PRODUCER: Great, print it.
but others...
DIRECTOR: Okay, my movie starts with a two computer hackers bickering...
PRODUCER: Okay...
DIRECTOR: Then they spend eight minutes of screen time playing slot machines...
PRODUCER: *Shoots him*
Granted, these movies had no chance of being great, but they could have so easily been 'bearable'. A shower scene here, a bug eyed monster there and we have a movie! But no, each of these movies are UNIQUELY bad, each in its own way...but I'll have to go into the grim details later. My mind can't handle it right now.
For now, the winners:
WORST MOVIE: STEVE with Code Red. Not the worst movie, but it was the worst of the ones chosen as worst...and is the aforementioned Women in Prison movie without nudity.
BEST MOVIE: AMBER with Hitler, Dead or Alive. A fairly funny comedy, I must say.
BEST OVERALL: VINNY with a difference between his BEST choice (Street Fighter's Last Revenge) and WORSE choice (Snake Crane Secert) of 4 minutes, 35 seconds.
Congratulations to the winners! You each get to choose any 4 of the horrible DVD's I watched (but not Ninja American Warrior or the Shatner ones, they're too good to give up).
Most of the DVDs have two movies on them (let me know which movies you want and I'll tell you what they're packaged with), or you could instead, if you like, force those movies upon the other players instead, and we'll harass them into actually watching them, or instead force me to watch them all the way through to the end (be merciful...please...)
I'll go into further detail on exactly how bad these movies are next time. For now, let's move on to the first part of the fanfic challenge...
MAX V. INTERNET PART 7A: PAT'S FANFIC CHALLENGE: DISCWORLD NOIR
Vimes didn't need to know the details, all he needed were a few words.
Throat
Slit
Maniac
In
His
City
Say the word and Vimes came running...but only when you said the right word.
Vimes knew the front of the police scene would be overcroweded with onlookers, all desperately attempting to see a sight that no man should ever see. Vimes could even see a few people pirching their children up on their shoulders for a better look...and then carefully shielding their innocent eyes away.
Vimes flicked the end of his cigar away, and carefully squeezed between two piles of rubbish in a nearby alleyway. A little bit of crawling, scraping and cursing later, and he found himself smack dab in the middle of the crime scene, standing right over a body.
It happened.
It was bound to happen one day.
Someone decided to make Dibbler's nick name a reality.
The infamous sausage peddler was sprawled out, motionless upon the filthy alleyway floor, a gruesome red line neatly accross his throat. There wasn't any blood, but that wasn't much of a surprise, given the light rain that fell upon his head. Dibbler's fingers were still wrenched upon his box of goods, which did not come as a shock. Vimes had never seen him without his wares, and it was only a matter of time before someone unwittingly gave one a try, and Dibbler's death came as a result. A lesser man might have been shocked, but Vimes had seen a lot in his time, and he was prepared for just about anything except what happened next.
Dibbler sat up, thrusted his merchandise under Vimes' nose and proclaimed,
"Instant 'cutting me own throat kits'! Don't be the last on your block to commerorate the brutal back-alley throat slasher! Fun at parties! Ladies, want to meet some handsome policemen? Well this is...I'm sorry, are you alright?"
"Just fine Dibbler, just shaking off a major heart attack or two."
"Oh sorry about that sir, just couldn't help but show that even a policeman can't tell..."
"You're not dead."
Vimes spoke the words in a way that suggested it could possibly be arranged. Before Dibbler could continue his spiel ( he never gave up on a possible sale), Detritus tapped Vimes on the shoulder and pointed at the real victim.
The copper inside Vimes wrestled control away from the maniac in Vimes, and focused away from Dibbler and completely on the body. Sidney Lopside. The only man actually paid by the government to wear a bag on his head. His face wasn't so ugly, just...arranged wrong. Very wrong. If his face were a building, the contracter would have been hung.
His attacker, whoever they were, had cut a slash right underneath his chin...and then must have realized that that wasn't where his throat was. A second slash, more to the left, wasn't much more accurrate. The deep cut accross his forehead must have been out of desperation. When it was all said and done there were about a baker's dozen slashes accross various parts of Sidney's head.
Vimes knew exactly what this was...
This was attempted murder.
"Hey Sidney."
"Morning."
Next time, Vimes was going to wait to hear the details.
What the hell was I thinking? These movies aren't 'guy in a rubber monster outfit' bad, they're just BAD. These movies look like they were filmed through gauze. The dubbed movies all have one voice dubbing every character, including the women. To make it even worse, the exploitation movies barely had any exploitation in them at all! They were just boring! Who ever heard of a women in prison movie without any nudity?!!!
Needless to say, I was crushed, mashed, BUT NOT DEFEATED! I WATCHED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE GOD DAMN ABOMINATIONS...and some weren't that bad. Here's the list, with results of how long I could bear to watch them before turning them off (with a surprise last minute entry of Star Wars, Episode 3) from best to worst:
1. Hitler, Dead or Alive 18min 41 sec
2. Incubus 18min 20sec
3. Horror Express 17min 47sec
4. Ninja American Warrior 17min 00sec
5. Street Fighter's Last Revenge 16min 46sec
6. The Amazing Mr. Blunden 14min 35sec
7. Desert Commandos 14min 35sec
8. Dog Day 14min 24sec
9. Slave of the Cannibal God 14min 22sec
10. Dementia 13 14min 09sec
11. Project Kill 14min 05sec
12. Mutant 12min 28sec
13. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 12min 20sec
14. Snake Crane Secert 12min 11sec
15. Death Journey 12min 02sec
16. Rage of the Master 11min 54sec
17. Legend of the 8 Samurai 11min 51sec
18. The Dead Walk 11min 12sec
19. Spider's Venom 11min 10sec
20. Condition Red 11min 07sec
21. The Satanic Rites of Dracula 10min 37sec
22. Conneticut Yankee/King Arthur's 10min 34sec
23. Deadly Buddhist Raiders 10min 18sec
24. Monster Maker 9min 40sec
25. Incident on a Dark Street 9min 38sec
26. Murder at Midnight 9min 32sec
27. BONUS: Star Wars Episode 3 9min 31sec
28. Ransom 9min 20sec
29. Deadly Impact 8min 18sec
30. Virgin Terror 8min 12sec
31. Prison Break 7min 30sec
There were definitely different levels of 'badness' in these movies. The opening credits usually took about two minutes, and movies seemed to either last 15 minutes (not bad), 12 minutes (okay), 10 minutes (eh...), 8 minutes (bad), 7 minutes (very bad), 6 minutes (incredibly bad), or in one case barely over 5 minutes (shoots DVD player) after that.
These movies weren't just bad, they insulted my very existence. Some, I can see being made...
DIRECTOR: Hot chick dances around naked in pond and then kills a guy.
PRODUCER: Great, print it.
but others...
DIRECTOR: Okay, my movie starts with a two computer hackers bickering...
PRODUCER: Okay...
DIRECTOR: Then they spend eight minutes of screen time playing slot machines...
PRODUCER: *Shoots him*
Granted, these movies had no chance of being great, but they could have so easily been 'bearable'. A shower scene here, a bug eyed monster there and we have a movie! But no, each of these movies are UNIQUELY bad, each in its own way...but I'll have to go into the grim details later. My mind can't handle it right now.
For now, the winners:
WORST MOVIE: STEVE with Code Red. Not the worst movie, but it was the worst of the ones chosen as worst...and is the aforementioned Women in Prison movie without nudity.
BEST MOVIE: AMBER with Hitler, Dead or Alive. A fairly funny comedy, I must say.
BEST OVERALL: VINNY with a difference between his BEST choice (Street Fighter's Last Revenge) and WORSE choice (Snake Crane Secert) of 4 minutes, 35 seconds.
Congratulations to the winners! You each get to choose any 4 of the horrible DVD's I watched (but not Ninja American Warrior or the Shatner ones, they're too good to give up).
Most of the DVDs have two movies on them (let me know which movies you want and I'll tell you what they're packaged with), or you could instead, if you like, force those movies upon the other players instead, and we'll harass them into actually watching them, or instead force me to watch them all the way through to the end (be merciful...please...)
I'll go into further detail on exactly how bad these movies are next time. For now, let's move on to the first part of the fanfic challenge...
MAX V. INTERNET PART 7A: PAT'S FANFIC CHALLENGE: DISCWORLD NOIR
Vimes didn't need to know the details, all he needed were a few words.
Throat
Slit
Maniac
In
His
City
Say the word and Vimes came running...but only when you said the right word.
Vimes knew the front of the police scene would be overcroweded with onlookers, all desperately attempting to see a sight that no man should ever see. Vimes could even see a few people pirching their children up on their shoulders for a better look...and then carefully shielding their innocent eyes away.
Vimes flicked the end of his cigar away, and carefully squeezed between two piles of rubbish in a nearby alleyway. A little bit of crawling, scraping and cursing later, and he found himself smack dab in the middle of the crime scene, standing right over a body.
It happened.
It was bound to happen one day.
Someone decided to make Dibbler's nick name a reality.
The infamous sausage peddler was sprawled out, motionless upon the filthy alleyway floor, a gruesome red line neatly accross his throat. There wasn't any blood, but that wasn't much of a surprise, given the light rain that fell upon his head. Dibbler's fingers were still wrenched upon his box of goods, which did not come as a shock. Vimes had never seen him without his wares, and it was only a matter of time before someone unwittingly gave one a try, and Dibbler's death came as a result. A lesser man might have been shocked, but Vimes had seen a lot in his time, and he was prepared for just about anything except what happened next.
Dibbler sat up, thrusted his merchandise under Vimes' nose and proclaimed,
"Instant 'cutting me own throat kits'! Don't be the last on your block to commerorate the brutal back-alley throat slasher! Fun at parties! Ladies, want to meet some handsome policemen? Well this is...I'm sorry, are you alright?"
"Just fine Dibbler, just shaking off a major heart attack or two."
"Oh sorry about that sir, just couldn't help but show that even a policeman can't tell..."
"You're not dead."
Vimes spoke the words in a way that suggested it could possibly be arranged. Before Dibbler could continue his spiel ( he never gave up on a possible sale), Detritus tapped Vimes on the shoulder and pointed at the real victim.
The copper inside Vimes wrestled control away from the maniac in Vimes, and focused away from Dibbler and completely on the body. Sidney Lopside. The only man actually paid by the government to wear a bag on his head. His face wasn't so ugly, just...arranged wrong. Very wrong. If his face were a building, the contracter would have been hung.
His attacker, whoever they were, had cut a slash right underneath his chin...and then must have realized that that wasn't where his throat was. A second slash, more to the left, wasn't much more accurrate. The deep cut accross his forehead must have been out of desperation. When it was all said and done there were about a baker's dozen slashes accross various parts of Sidney's head.
Vimes knew exactly what this was...
This was attempted murder.
"Hey Sidney."
"Morning."
Next time, Vimes was going to wait to hear the details.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
QUICK UPDATE: SERIOUS GEEKING OUT
Hello everyone! Sorry it's been a while since my last update, but work's been kind of crazy...so crazy that I STILL haven't continued my challenge against the internet! Then again, I'm also waiting for Pat, Steve and Amber to send me the DREADED FANFICS! Will they go for quality? Will they go for sheer pain? Well, Amber will certainly, but what of the others? We must see!
Still, I wouldn't want to leave you with nothing, so here's a letter I'm sending to Wizards of the Coast, to reinstate my status as a full fledged card carrying geek (it was briefly suspended for not picking up on a literary reference to '1984').
Enjoy! (Or shake your head with pity...or both, your choice ^_^)
On April 1st, in the spirit of April Fool's day, Wizards of the Coast printing some 'impossible to answer' questions. This was my response.
Dear Sages,
Hello, my name is Robert Freeman, and I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons, and running my own campaigns, for over 10 years now, and I'd first like to say that I love what Wizards of the Coast has done for the game. Back in the days of second edition, I didn't have a single clue what was going on, and now, thanks to the new edition rules, I know how everything works.
Over the years I've even become that 'guy' who everyone calls to ask questions about the game and how to min/max their characters. Because of these years of gameplay (and I am not necessarily proud of this, mind you) I think I have the answers to all the impossible questions listed on April 1st.
Yes, I know the whole thing was just in good fun and not to be answered, but as a Dungeon Master I've been pelted by equally insane questions on a more or less weekly basis, forcing me to actually come up with reasonable answers for completely unreasonable questions.
Thus, I'm giving this a shot, paraphrasing for space, and skipping the beginning questions which were more a matter of opinion or silliness (although I love the idea of lopping off monk limbs to get their attack damage...now there'd be a dancing weapon worth having).
Q. If a creature has more than one head, shouldn't gaze attacks be more effective against them?
A. Should they? Probably, but in the same sense, any creature that has more than two eyes should be more effected, and any creature with a single eye should be less effected, but the rules would get REALLY tedious if you worked out the math for every monster in the book. I'd draw the line at multiple eyes, but there's no reason an Ettin shouldn't be forced to make two checks. They are two independent minds after all.
Q. What should the CR adjustment be if the characters don't have their equipment?
A. That depends on if their class abilities rely on their equipment. From experience, if you take away a cleric's holy symbol, a wizard's spellbook, a bard's instrument or a fighter's weapons, they probably aren't going to have much luck fighting anything with a challenge rating more than their level minus 2. If they don't depend too much on equipment (like a monk, barbarian, rogue or sorcerer), or if their high level characters are being forced to use mundane equipment, then a challenge rating one less than their level should be fine. Personally, if I were running the game, I wouldn't lower the CR any. Making sure you're not separated from your equipment is all part of the game.
Q. Can an illusion help flank an opponent?
A. If you go strictly by the rules, then no, because an illusion can't threaten a square. However, if the target is reacting to the illusion as if it were a threat, then I'd probably allow it, as it makes sense. You could, of course, just as easily summon a monster to the same effect, and get actual real attacks against the target as well. If, however, the wizard made Conjuration one of their prohibited schools...what the hell's wrong with them?! It's the most useful school in the game! Still, if they felt they had to, they can use Shadow Conjuration to the same effect.
Q. What's the effect of flour on invisibility?
A. Far less than you'd expect. The flour that lands on the invisible creature becomes invisible as well, just as any unattended item picked up by an invisible creature does (if items upon the character didn't disappear, they'd have to run around naked in order to be invisible). True, if there was flour in the air you might be able to see him, but the flour would have to literally fill the air, and even then it'd be difficult to see the hole in drifting flour for the same reason it's difficult to see through fog. Your vision is partially blocked by the flour itself. Instead, I'd either dump paint in the area, and look for the footprints, or if you want something re-usable, have someone turn on a decanter of endless water (which is useful on its own anyway) and look for the splashes and empty spaces on the floor.
Q. Can lycanthropsy if transmitted through kisses?
A. Lycanthropsy is a curse, not a disease. You can only get the curse of lycanthropsy through a bite. Kissing that were-rat probably will get you filth fever though.
Q. What happens when a mule is bitten by a lycanthrope?
A. Nothing, lycanthropsy only affects humanoids and giants.
Q. Do owlbears excrete like owls or like bears?
A. That's a tricky one, but I'd say that owlbears are far more similar to bears than owls, especially the part of their body that houses their digestive system, so I'd say they excrete like a bear. If you want more proof, we can look at the world's only real life bird/mammal hybrid, the duck billed platypus, and they excrete like mammals, not birds.
Q. Can you drown in a vat filled with healing potion?
A. Who the hell keeps vats full of healing potions? Anyway, you most certainly can. Drowning is an effect that replaces your hit points, regardless of any healing or modifiers (such as rage or aid), so healing potions won't help. Say your hit points are at 0, you get healed and they're above 0, but next round, regardless of what your hit points are, your new hit point total is -1, and the even if you heal that, next round you're dead. Healing does not interrupt or reset the three round drowning process, which is 0, -1, and then dead.
Q. Can invisible stalkers see each other?
A. No, I guess they can't. They certainly would need a special ability to be able to do so. The hilarious possibilities are endless! Just imagine a group of player characters summoning two invisible stalkers to defend them from monsters. They come into existence, win initiative, and then suddenly a loud thud and crash erupts in the center of the dungeon, as the two stalkers run into each other and topple to the floor. That's enough to scar a player for life.
Q. If a character dies while wearing a ring of invisibility, are they invisible forever?
A. Who said that wearing a ring of invisibility makes you permanently invisible? A ring of invisibility has to be activated in order to gain the benefits from it, and then you receive the benefits as per the spell, which is 1 minute of invisibility per level of the caster, which is 3rd, so activating a ring of invisibility only makes you invisible for 3 minutes. Afterwards, you'd have to activate the ring again. If you read the description of magic rings, all magic rings are either use activated or continuous, not both. It becomes a little uncertain as to whether the invisibility stops immediately upon death or if it lasts the full 3 minutes, but I'd say it stops immediately. Even though objects, like dead bodies, can be effected by the spell invisibility, the ring only works for its 'wearer' and a corpse, from a technical standpoint, can't wear anything, so the effect ceases as soon as the dead body stops 'wearing' the object. If you continued to gain the effect of invisibility even after the ring was taken off, then you could split a single ring between an entire group, or use the ring, take it off and replace it with another one and still get the benefit of invisibility for three minutes. The game would be imbalanced if you could gain the benefit of a use activated magic ring without actually wearing it.
Q. If you completely surround a vampire with water elementals, are they trapped, since they can't pass through running water?
A. Yes, but not because they count as running water. Vampires can't pass through water elementals because nothing can normally pass through a water elemental. They're solid. If a water elemental wasn't a solid, cohesive object, then you wouldn't be able to hurt them with weapons, and they'd immediately fall apart and die. Elementals are made from the elements, but that doesn't mean they aren't solid, in their own fashion. This is all magic, of course, so it's not entirely going to make sense, but think of it this way: human beings are about 98% water. Can we be used to put fires out? Would a vampire be stopped by a running group of people (who are essentially made of water)? Of course not. Just because a water elemental is created from water, doesn't mean it's the same thing as water.
Q. If you polymorph cows into stone, build them into a castle, and then dispel the spell, turning them back into cows, what damage would they do when they land on the people inside the castle?
A. The only way you could change cows into stone is either through the spell flesh to stone, or polymorph any object. Flesh to stone can't be dispelled, as it's an instantaneous effect, so those cows would have to be turned back one at a time with the stone to flesh spell, giving everyone plenty of time to escape. Going by the chart in the book, if you use polymorph any object, then they'd only be turned into rocks for 20 minutes, nowhere long enough to build them into a castle. Isn't there an easier way to kill these guys? Couldn't you just like, poison them or something? If you must, what I'd do is use polymorph any object to change giant round boulders into perfectly square boulders, so when they're dispelled, they'll all slip off each other and crash down on everyone inside. If your heart is set on using cows, then I'd make a variation on the theme and polymorph the cows into mice/cats/rabbits/birds or a similar tiny animal (you can even use baleful polymorph for that) lure your enemies into the room, shut the door behind them and then cast dispel through a small opening in the the door. The resulting cow expansion should be more than enough to do in the troublesome party. As for damage, I'm either calculate it by weight, listed through the telekinesis spell, or consider it the equivalent of a giant falling block trap, 20d6.
Q. Can you have lich phylacteries inside golems?
A. Of course! I've even had lich phylacteries hidden inside the bodies of living bodyguards of the lich. If you want to be mean, you could even hide it deep inside the body of a helpless good person or creature (like a small gold dragon) and then set them loose. The heroes want to destroy the phylactery? They're going to have to cut open that good person/creature to get it.
Q. What would an appropriate mount be for an Illithid Paladin of Tyranny?
A. Mind flayers enslave just about everything, so the sky's pretty much the limit, but if you wanted something appropriate to the underdark, then giant lizards are usually the mount of choice down there.
Q. If a unicorn gains levels in paladin, what would the mount they summoned be?
A. Unicorns usually don't progress in class level, but in Hit dice instead. Still, if a unicorn did manage to progress in the class of paladin, I'd imagine they'd summon a standard warhorse (or its equivalent for the environment that the unicorn is in), but that mount is going to be really confused when they arrive. There's no chance of the unicorn riding it, but it would be a devoted companion to the unicorn, much like a cohort. In fact, it'd be a mount in all regards except for the fact that the unicorn wouldn't be riding it.
Q. Could an intelligent animal be made into a familiar?
A. There are no intelligent animals. By definition, an animal cannot have an intelligence above 2, is not capable of language, reasoning, morality or complex thought. By becoming intelligent, they no longer qualify as animals. Even if they somehow could, only unmodified animals can become familiars.
Q. If a druid restricts themselves to only ape forms, and they get a special ability that gives their alternate forms flight, what shape can they use and still be restricted to ape forms?
A. Flying monkeys. It's a fantasy world, make it up.
Q. If a person transforms into an ooze in a way that they attain all the special qualities/abilities of the form, and they're split in two by a slashing weapon, what happens?
A. Well, either they split or they don't. If the DM decides they can't split, because that'd be forcing their mind to be in two places at once, then that's the end of that. If they do, then I'd assume it falls under the characteristics of the spell 'Polymorph Any Object' which states that damage taken by the new form that can result in injury, or change through physical force, can result in injury or death of the polymorphed creature. So if their body is split in two while in that alternate form, then their normal body is split in two as well. An ooze can survive while split in two. A person cannot. They're dead.
(My sister, Amber, would like to offer her counter idea, where the transformed person becomes two smaller people, each with half of the original person's mass and experience. And that's where halflings came from. That cracked me up.)
Q. Can centaurs climb walls and sheer cliffs?
A. Centaurs don't make much sense in general, I'm afraid. They're large, but their human half is medium sized. They have incredible strength, but logically that strength is in the horse half, that isn't used for swinging weapons. I prefer to imagine centaurs as they were in...ahem, well that story about the kid who goes to the wizard school. Those centaurs had proportionally larger human halves, which are closer to the size of ogres. That makes a lot more sense. Going back to the question, there's no reason they couldn't climb up a sheer wall or cliff, it'd just be very very hard. They probably could use their front legs to help them climb, as if they were normal human legs (if a satyr can do it, a centaur should be able to as well), but the rear half of their body would simply hang off, pulling them downwards. Personally, I'd take their weight, subtract the average human weight for their relative height/gender, and force them to consider themselves encumbered with that much extra weight upon themselves. It might be difficult, but if a man with no legs can climb, then an incredibly strong centaur should be able to as well.
Q. If Demogorgon and Asmodeus had an all out fight, who would win?
A. Every good aligned plane.
Q. Is dragon meat edible?
A. Humans eat everything they possibly can in order to survive, so since they don't (as it isn't listed in any of the rules), then they can't. It's not poisonous or else it'd be listed as a poison. More likely, it's just indigestible, like mud. Of course white chocolate is indigestible and people eat that, so it's probably both inedible and revolting to boot. (Let's face it, you don't see many real world recipes for cooking lizard)
Q. Could you store a hundred 1st level wizards in bags of holding, with bottles of air, to help you cast epic spells?
A. Possibly, but how would you ever convince them to go along with it? This goes far beyond the normal call of spell fees and I could see them each charging at least 50-100 gold for every day carted around like that. Even then, the cost of all the bags of holding and bottles of air would be tremendous, and even if ALL that worked, how are you going to keep them alive? 1st level characters tend not to last long in epic situations. Still, it's most likely possible, just not practical.
Q. What is the break DC of the planet?
A. The planet is not an object that can be targeted, but even if you managed to shatter it, it would just pull back into the same place because of the sun's gravitational pull. If you were large and powerful enough to circumvent gravity and treat the earth as a single object...then that would require an entirely new rule system to facilitate.
Q. If you moved the Tarrasque back in time to fight itself, what would happen?
A. Time travel isn't possible in D&D. Even spells like Time Stop merely slow down time to the point that it appears that time isn't moving. I imagine if it were possible, there would be a LOT of the traditional time travel problems (killing your ancient ancestors, spreading diseases, becoming your own grandparent, stepping on butterflies, etc, etc). In a best case scenario, I think the two Tarrasques would just beat each other until they got bored, or until one fell unconscious and the other left.
Q. Could you use a ring of 3 wishes to give the Tarrasque a gender, create a second Tarrasque of the opposite gender and then use the third wish to get them to mate?
A. Wishes are mostly up to the discretion of the DM, but let's face it, if you could wish a Tarrasque into existence, then every epic wizard would have a Tarrasque army following them! I doubt that even the spell wish could permanently change the Tarrasque, but it isn't completely unreasonable to assume you could use a wish to give the Tarrasque a gender and get it to mate, but to create a copy of a legendary monster out of thin air with a single wish is just ridiculous. Besides, if you could create a Tarrasque out of thin air with a wish, you wouldn't need to get them to mate. You'd just need wishes.
Q. Could you use the Rod of Rulership to force the Tarrasque to eat a thousand Icy scroll sheets at once, doing 6d6 damage apiece?
A. The rod of rulership doesn't give you complete control of the target, it just makes them completely devoted to you, unless you give them a command that is contrary to their nature. The Tarrasque's nature is to kill everything around it. The first time you order it not to kill you, the spell will be broken. It might be possible to direct its killing with a rod of rulership (kill them first, then get to me later), but if you want to drop it with icy sheets (which is a very good idea), I'd instead have all the icy sheets carried by a target (an animal, or a brave adventurer who's been promised a resurrection) and trick the Tarrasque into swallowing that target whole. That'd do it.
Q. Would suffocation, starvation, orb of annihilation, etc. harm the Tarrasque?
A. The Tarrasque, by the words in the monster manual, is immune to all death effects and permanent injuries. Although it doesn't list every single thing it's immune to, it's quite clear that it's immune to effects that immediately cause death, or permanent injuries. The monster manual makes it very clear that the Tarrasque cannot be killed or permanently altered in any way, save for a wish spell when it's driven into unconsciousness. This means that the Tarrasque is immune to all effects that cause instant death, including orb of annihilation, suffocation and starvation. If that isn't enough to satisfy you, then face facts: if any of those things could have killed the Tarrasque, then they would have done so already. The Tarrasque is a legendary unkillable monster, fought throughout time, and there are relatively low level spells, and much easier monsters, that cause suffocation upon targets. If suffocation could drop the Tarrasque to unconsciousness then it would have done so, and the same goes for starvation, and even powerful magic effects. The Tarrasque is immune to all death effects, and anything that causes death for any reason besides damage is a death effect. Still, the Tarrasque isn't immune to teleportation or mind control, so what I'd do is cast polymorph any object on him to turn him into a small rock or something (it'll take several tries and only last 20 minutes, but it'll be worth it), put the rock in a bag of holding, and then stab the bag. The bag will be destroyed, but all the contents will be lost forever (as per the item description). Goodbye Tarrasque. Or better yet, gate or plane shift with the small rock to the plane you like least, drop it on the ground and plane shift back/gate back. That plane will officially have a new hobby in about twenty minutes or so.
Q. The Tarrasque is a woman, right?
A. The Tarrasque has no gender. In fact, it fits under absolutely no other category than Tarrasque.
Q. In the second edition monster's manual, it states under the description of the Tarrasque that creatures with a negative Thaco can only be hit by rolling a 1. What does that mean?
A. You got me. I never understood second edition.
Well, thank you for taking the time to read this, and again, thank you for producing an update to Dungeons and Dragons. We, who spend far too much time thinking about it, thank you.
Take care,
Robert Freeman
robertmfreeman@hotmail.com
http://maxandotherstrangeness.blogspot.com
Hello everyone! Sorry it's been a while since my last update, but work's been kind of crazy...so crazy that I STILL haven't continued my challenge against the internet! Then again, I'm also waiting for Pat, Steve and Amber to send me the DREADED FANFICS! Will they go for quality? Will they go for sheer pain? Well, Amber will certainly, but what of the others? We must see!
Still, I wouldn't want to leave you with nothing, so here's a letter I'm sending to Wizards of the Coast, to reinstate my status as a full fledged card carrying geek (it was briefly suspended for not picking up on a literary reference to '1984').
Enjoy! (Or shake your head with pity...or both, your choice ^_^)
On April 1st, in the spirit of April Fool's day, Wizards of the Coast printing some 'impossible to answer' questions. This was my response.
Dear Sages,
Hello, my name is Robert Freeman, and I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons, and running my own campaigns, for over 10 years now, and I'd first like to say that I love what Wizards of the Coast has done for the game. Back in the days of second edition, I didn't have a single clue what was going on, and now, thanks to the new edition rules, I know how everything works.
Over the years I've even become that 'guy' who everyone calls to ask questions about the game and how to min/max their characters. Because of these years of gameplay (and I am not necessarily proud of this, mind you) I think I have the answers to all the impossible questions listed on April 1st.
Yes, I know the whole thing was just in good fun and not to be answered, but as a Dungeon Master I've been pelted by equally insane questions on a more or less weekly basis, forcing me to actually come up with reasonable answers for completely unreasonable questions.
Thus, I'm giving this a shot, paraphrasing for space, and skipping the beginning questions which were more a matter of opinion or silliness (although I love the idea of lopping off monk limbs to get their attack damage...now there'd be a dancing weapon worth having).
Q. If a creature has more than one head, shouldn't gaze attacks be more effective against them?
A. Should they? Probably, but in the same sense, any creature that has more than two eyes should be more effected, and any creature with a single eye should be less effected, but the rules would get REALLY tedious if you worked out the math for every monster in the book. I'd draw the line at multiple eyes, but there's no reason an Ettin shouldn't be forced to make two checks. They are two independent minds after all.
Q. What should the CR adjustment be if the characters don't have their equipment?
A. That depends on if their class abilities rely on their equipment. From experience, if you take away a cleric's holy symbol, a wizard's spellbook, a bard's instrument or a fighter's weapons, they probably aren't going to have much luck fighting anything with a challenge rating more than their level minus 2. If they don't depend too much on equipment (like a monk, barbarian, rogue or sorcerer), or if their high level characters are being forced to use mundane equipment, then a challenge rating one less than their level should be fine. Personally, if I were running the game, I wouldn't lower the CR any. Making sure you're not separated from your equipment is all part of the game.
Q. Can an illusion help flank an opponent?
A. If you go strictly by the rules, then no, because an illusion can't threaten a square. However, if the target is reacting to the illusion as if it were a threat, then I'd probably allow it, as it makes sense. You could, of course, just as easily summon a monster to the same effect, and get actual real attacks against the target as well. If, however, the wizard made Conjuration one of their prohibited schools...what the hell's wrong with them?! It's the most useful school in the game! Still, if they felt they had to, they can use Shadow Conjuration to the same effect.
Q. What's the effect of flour on invisibility?
A. Far less than you'd expect. The flour that lands on the invisible creature becomes invisible as well, just as any unattended item picked up by an invisible creature does (if items upon the character didn't disappear, they'd have to run around naked in order to be invisible). True, if there was flour in the air you might be able to see him, but the flour would have to literally fill the air, and even then it'd be difficult to see the hole in drifting flour for the same reason it's difficult to see through fog. Your vision is partially blocked by the flour itself. Instead, I'd either dump paint in the area, and look for the footprints, or if you want something re-usable, have someone turn on a decanter of endless water (which is useful on its own anyway) and look for the splashes and empty spaces on the floor.
Q. Can lycanthropsy if transmitted through kisses?
A. Lycanthropsy is a curse, not a disease. You can only get the curse of lycanthropsy through a bite. Kissing that were-rat probably will get you filth fever though.
Q. What happens when a mule is bitten by a lycanthrope?
A. Nothing, lycanthropsy only affects humanoids and giants.
Q. Do owlbears excrete like owls or like bears?
A. That's a tricky one, but I'd say that owlbears are far more similar to bears than owls, especially the part of their body that houses their digestive system, so I'd say they excrete like a bear. If you want more proof, we can look at the world's only real life bird/mammal hybrid, the duck billed platypus, and they excrete like mammals, not birds.
Q. Can you drown in a vat filled with healing potion?
A. Who the hell keeps vats full of healing potions? Anyway, you most certainly can. Drowning is an effect that replaces your hit points, regardless of any healing or modifiers (such as rage or aid), so healing potions won't help. Say your hit points are at 0, you get healed and they're above 0, but next round, regardless of what your hit points are, your new hit point total is -1, and the even if you heal that, next round you're dead. Healing does not interrupt or reset the three round drowning process, which is 0, -1, and then dead.
Q. Can invisible stalkers see each other?
A. No, I guess they can't. They certainly would need a special ability to be able to do so. The hilarious possibilities are endless! Just imagine a group of player characters summoning two invisible stalkers to defend them from monsters. They come into existence, win initiative, and then suddenly a loud thud and crash erupts in the center of the dungeon, as the two stalkers run into each other and topple to the floor. That's enough to scar a player for life.
Q. If a character dies while wearing a ring of invisibility, are they invisible forever?
A. Who said that wearing a ring of invisibility makes you permanently invisible? A ring of invisibility has to be activated in order to gain the benefits from it, and then you receive the benefits as per the spell, which is 1 minute of invisibility per level of the caster, which is 3rd, so activating a ring of invisibility only makes you invisible for 3 minutes. Afterwards, you'd have to activate the ring again. If you read the description of magic rings, all magic rings are either use activated or continuous, not both. It becomes a little uncertain as to whether the invisibility stops immediately upon death or if it lasts the full 3 minutes, but I'd say it stops immediately. Even though objects, like dead bodies, can be effected by the spell invisibility, the ring only works for its 'wearer' and a corpse, from a technical standpoint, can't wear anything, so the effect ceases as soon as the dead body stops 'wearing' the object. If you continued to gain the effect of invisibility even after the ring was taken off, then you could split a single ring between an entire group, or use the ring, take it off and replace it with another one and still get the benefit of invisibility for three minutes. The game would be imbalanced if you could gain the benefit of a use activated magic ring without actually wearing it.
Q. If you completely surround a vampire with water elementals, are they trapped, since they can't pass through running water?
A. Yes, but not because they count as running water. Vampires can't pass through water elementals because nothing can normally pass through a water elemental. They're solid. If a water elemental wasn't a solid, cohesive object, then you wouldn't be able to hurt them with weapons, and they'd immediately fall apart and die. Elementals are made from the elements, but that doesn't mean they aren't solid, in their own fashion. This is all magic, of course, so it's not entirely going to make sense, but think of it this way: human beings are about 98% water. Can we be used to put fires out? Would a vampire be stopped by a running group of people (who are essentially made of water)? Of course not. Just because a water elemental is created from water, doesn't mean it's the same thing as water.
Q. If you polymorph cows into stone, build them into a castle, and then dispel the spell, turning them back into cows, what damage would they do when they land on the people inside the castle?
A. The only way you could change cows into stone is either through the spell flesh to stone, or polymorph any object. Flesh to stone can't be dispelled, as it's an instantaneous effect, so those cows would have to be turned back one at a time with the stone to flesh spell, giving everyone plenty of time to escape. Going by the chart in the book, if you use polymorph any object, then they'd only be turned into rocks for 20 minutes, nowhere long enough to build them into a castle. Isn't there an easier way to kill these guys? Couldn't you just like, poison them or something? If you must, what I'd do is use polymorph any object to change giant round boulders into perfectly square boulders, so when they're dispelled, they'll all slip off each other and crash down on everyone inside. If your heart is set on using cows, then I'd make a variation on the theme and polymorph the cows into mice/cats/rabbits/birds or a similar tiny animal (you can even use baleful polymorph for that) lure your enemies into the room, shut the door behind them and then cast dispel through a small opening in the the door. The resulting cow expansion should be more than enough to do in the troublesome party. As for damage, I'm either calculate it by weight, listed through the telekinesis spell, or consider it the equivalent of a giant falling block trap, 20d6.
Q. Can you have lich phylacteries inside golems?
A. Of course! I've even had lich phylacteries hidden inside the bodies of living bodyguards of the lich. If you want to be mean, you could even hide it deep inside the body of a helpless good person or creature (like a small gold dragon) and then set them loose. The heroes want to destroy the phylactery? They're going to have to cut open that good person/creature to get it.
Q. What would an appropriate mount be for an Illithid Paladin of Tyranny?
A. Mind flayers enslave just about everything, so the sky's pretty much the limit, but if you wanted something appropriate to the underdark, then giant lizards are usually the mount of choice down there.
Q. If a unicorn gains levels in paladin, what would the mount they summoned be?
A. Unicorns usually don't progress in class level, but in Hit dice instead. Still, if a unicorn did manage to progress in the class of paladin, I'd imagine they'd summon a standard warhorse (or its equivalent for the environment that the unicorn is in), but that mount is going to be really confused when they arrive. There's no chance of the unicorn riding it, but it would be a devoted companion to the unicorn, much like a cohort. In fact, it'd be a mount in all regards except for the fact that the unicorn wouldn't be riding it.
Q. Could an intelligent animal be made into a familiar?
A. There are no intelligent animals. By definition, an animal cannot have an intelligence above 2, is not capable of language, reasoning, morality or complex thought. By becoming intelligent, they no longer qualify as animals. Even if they somehow could, only unmodified animals can become familiars.
Q. If a druid restricts themselves to only ape forms, and they get a special ability that gives their alternate forms flight, what shape can they use and still be restricted to ape forms?
A. Flying monkeys. It's a fantasy world, make it up.
Q. If a person transforms into an ooze in a way that they attain all the special qualities/abilities of the form, and they're split in two by a slashing weapon, what happens?
A. Well, either they split or they don't. If the DM decides they can't split, because that'd be forcing their mind to be in two places at once, then that's the end of that. If they do, then I'd assume it falls under the characteristics of the spell 'Polymorph Any Object' which states that damage taken by the new form that can result in injury, or change through physical force, can result in injury or death of the polymorphed creature. So if their body is split in two while in that alternate form, then their normal body is split in two as well. An ooze can survive while split in two. A person cannot. They're dead.
(My sister, Amber, would like to offer her counter idea, where the transformed person becomes two smaller people, each with half of the original person's mass and experience. And that's where halflings came from. That cracked me up.)
Q. Can centaurs climb walls and sheer cliffs?
A. Centaurs don't make much sense in general, I'm afraid. They're large, but their human half is medium sized. They have incredible strength, but logically that strength is in the horse half, that isn't used for swinging weapons. I prefer to imagine centaurs as they were in...ahem, well that story about the kid who goes to the wizard school. Those centaurs had proportionally larger human halves, which are closer to the size of ogres. That makes a lot more sense. Going back to the question, there's no reason they couldn't climb up a sheer wall or cliff, it'd just be very very hard. They probably could use their front legs to help them climb, as if they were normal human legs (if a satyr can do it, a centaur should be able to as well), but the rear half of their body would simply hang off, pulling them downwards. Personally, I'd take their weight, subtract the average human weight for their relative height/gender, and force them to consider themselves encumbered with that much extra weight upon themselves. It might be difficult, but if a man with no legs can climb, then an incredibly strong centaur should be able to as well.
Q. If Demogorgon and Asmodeus had an all out fight, who would win?
A. Every good aligned plane.
Q. Is dragon meat edible?
A. Humans eat everything they possibly can in order to survive, so since they don't (as it isn't listed in any of the rules), then they can't. It's not poisonous or else it'd be listed as a poison. More likely, it's just indigestible, like mud. Of course white chocolate is indigestible and people eat that, so it's probably both inedible and revolting to boot. (Let's face it, you don't see many real world recipes for cooking lizard)
Q. Could you store a hundred 1st level wizards in bags of holding, with bottles of air, to help you cast epic spells?
A. Possibly, but how would you ever convince them to go along with it? This goes far beyond the normal call of spell fees and I could see them each charging at least 50-100 gold for every day carted around like that. Even then, the cost of all the bags of holding and bottles of air would be tremendous, and even if ALL that worked, how are you going to keep them alive? 1st level characters tend not to last long in epic situations. Still, it's most likely possible, just not practical.
Q. What is the break DC of the planet?
A. The planet is not an object that can be targeted, but even if you managed to shatter it, it would just pull back into the same place because of the sun's gravitational pull. If you were large and powerful enough to circumvent gravity and treat the earth as a single object...then that would require an entirely new rule system to facilitate.
Q. If you moved the Tarrasque back in time to fight itself, what would happen?
A. Time travel isn't possible in D&D. Even spells like Time Stop merely slow down time to the point that it appears that time isn't moving. I imagine if it were possible, there would be a LOT of the traditional time travel problems (killing your ancient ancestors, spreading diseases, becoming your own grandparent, stepping on butterflies, etc, etc). In a best case scenario, I think the two Tarrasques would just beat each other until they got bored, or until one fell unconscious and the other left.
Q. Could you use a ring of 3 wishes to give the Tarrasque a gender, create a second Tarrasque of the opposite gender and then use the third wish to get them to mate?
A. Wishes are mostly up to the discretion of the DM, but let's face it, if you could wish a Tarrasque into existence, then every epic wizard would have a Tarrasque army following them! I doubt that even the spell wish could permanently change the Tarrasque, but it isn't completely unreasonable to assume you could use a wish to give the Tarrasque a gender and get it to mate, but to create a copy of a legendary monster out of thin air with a single wish is just ridiculous. Besides, if you could create a Tarrasque out of thin air with a wish, you wouldn't need to get them to mate. You'd just need wishes.
Q. Could you use the Rod of Rulership to force the Tarrasque to eat a thousand Icy scroll sheets at once, doing 6d6 damage apiece?
A. The rod of rulership doesn't give you complete control of the target, it just makes them completely devoted to you, unless you give them a command that is contrary to their nature. The Tarrasque's nature is to kill everything around it. The first time you order it not to kill you, the spell will be broken. It might be possible to direct its killing with a rod of rulership (kill them first, then get to me later), but if you want to drop it with icy sheets (which is a very good idea), I'd instead have all the icy sheets carried by a target (an animal, or a brave adventurer who's been promised a resurrection) and trick the Tarrasque into swallowing that target whole. That'd do it.
Q. Would suffocation, starvation, orb of annihilation, etc. harm the Tarrasque?
A. The Tarrasque, by the words in the monster manual, is immune to all death effects and permanent injuries. Although it doesn't list every single thing it's immune to, it's quite clear that it's immune to effects that immediately cause death, or permanent injuries. The monster manual makes it very clear that the Tarrasque cannot be killed or permanently altered in any way, save for a wish spell when it's driven into unconsciousness. This means that the Tarrasque is immune to all effects that cause instant death, including orb of annihilation, suffocation and starvation. If that isn't enough to satisfy you, then face facts: if any of those things could have killed the Tarrasque, then they would have done so already. The Tarrasque is a legendary unkillable monster, fought throughout time, and there are relatively low level spells, and much easier monsters, that cause suffocation upon targets. If suffocation could drop the Tarrasque to unconsciousness then it would have done so, and the same goes for starvation, and even powerful magic effects. The Tarrasque is immune to all death effects, and anything that causes death for any reason besides damage is a death effect. Still, the Tarrasque isn't immune to teleportation or mind control, so what I'd do is cast polymorph any object on him to turn him into a small rock or something (it'll take several tries and only last 20 minutes, but it'll be worth it), put the rock in a bag of holding, and then stab the bag. The bag will be destroyed, but all the contents will be lost forever (as per the item description). Goodbye Tarrasque. Or better yet, gate or plane shift with the small rock to the plane you like least, drop it on the ground and plane shift back/gate back. That plane will officially have a new hobby in about twenty minutes or so.
Q. The Tarrasque is a woman, right?
A. The Tarrasque has no gender. In fact, it fits under absolutely no other category than Tarrasque.
Q. In the second edition monster's manual, it states under the description of the Tarrasque that creatures with a negative Thaco can only be hit by rolling a 1. What does that mean?
A. You got me. I never understood second edition.
Well, thank you for taking the time to read this, and again, thank you for producing an update to Dungeons and Dragons. We, who spend far too much time thinking about it, thank you.
Take care,
Robert Freeman
robertmfreeman@hotmail.com
http://maxandotherstrangeness.blogspot.com
Saturday, March 17, 2007
BREAK!
That's right! I'm taking a short break from the competition, first to let you know what I've got in the large plastic bag next to my computer, and secondly to describe the test run I'm about to go through.
Firstly...firstly? That a word?
Anyway...I say anyway a lot...
Well, (there we go) the bag contains twenty dollars worth of horrible movies, about 30 or so to be exact. A friend of mine sells them online (they're the dollar store DVD's you see around) and I decided to be a customer and buy a very large supply of horrible, horrible, horrible movies. How bad? I'm going to see. Then I decided I can make a little game of it, of a sorts.
I'm going to see how long I can watch the movie before stopping and going to do something else.
For example, I started (randomly) with "Stateline Motel" and found it marginally entertaining. It co-stars the very fine method actor, Eli Wallach (he was 'the ugly' in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'), has a satisfactory car chase (although the main character and Eli magically switch seats in one scene, along with the steering wheel), and a funny opening scene where the main character is released from prison and then immediately goes with Eli to rob a jewelry store.
After a while Eli left though, and we watch the main character get his car 'stuck' on about two inches of snow, leading him to need to go get help...and then I got bored, shutting the movie off for now...at 17 minutes, 52 seconds.
Not bad, considering I only got six minutes into Ninja Death 2 before shutting it off and then banging my head against my desk (I'm saving that one for Jen and Pat's), which made me wonder...how are these movies going to measure up? Which ones will I be able to go the longest with, and which the shortest.
If people want to guess, I'll even try and figure out a prize of some sorts, if they can figure which of these movies, based on titles along, I will go the furthest with, and which one I'll go the least with (not counting the two I've listed above).
The beautiful list of titles (with some additional notes) are:
Slave of the Cannibal God (exactly what it sounds like)
Deadly Impact (Fred Williamson blacksploitation)
Death Journey (ditto)
Project Kill (secret spy action starring...Leslie Nielson?!)
Mutant (produced by Dick Clark...I checked, not that Dick Clark)
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you have to see the back of the package to believe it)
Ninja American Warrior (shouldn't it be American Ninja Warrior?)
Virgin Terror (you can guess)
Spider's Venom (the main chick's hot, looks like Carol Cleveland)
The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (the third in the series, apparently)
Hitler: Dead of Alive (great title)
Prison Break (from 1938, and you can really tell)
Ransom Money (it says the surprise ending on back. Huh?)
Desert Commandos (WW2 guys on the front, Desert Storm guys on back. Wha?)
Legend of the 8 Samurai (no idea, I got it because it comes with the movie...)
Deady Buddhist Raiders (They raid, feel satisfied with what they already have, then burn)
Dementia 13 (a Francis Ford Coppola movie...it's supposed to be good, but who knows)
Murder at Midnight (you'll never guess what happens)
Incident on a Dark Street (Shatner! He's a cop!)
Incubus (More Shatner! He's an exorcist!)
WAIT, WHAT?
You heard me, Amber! Now hold on, I'm not finished yet!
Rage of the Master (doesn't appear to have rage, nor a master)
Snake Crane Secert (that's exactly how it's written on the case)
The Satanic Rites of Dracula (Christopher Lee is Dracula! Moria...)
Horror Express (Chris Lee is on a monster infested train! Mordor...)
Dead Men Walk (Black and White zombie revenge flick)
The Monster Maker (Uh...guy makes monsters. Go fig.)
Dog Day (I hope Lee Marvin was paid well for this crappy criminal on the run flick)
Condition Red (Prison guard hooks up with female prisoner...I was hoping they meant 'red alert' and involved submarines)
A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court (only 55 minutes long...that's a bad sign)
The Amazing Mr. Blunden (time traveling kids foil robbers...99 minutes long...great)
There we go! Thirty turkeys! Can you guess which one is going to last the most, and least amount of time? Post some guesses and we'll see!
Anyway, it's time for the trial run.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET...TRIAL RUN?
You see, I'm not sure if the next challenge will work or not...to eliminate the suspense, it's with www.fanfiction.net, but how to challenge? The Judge declared that it's not really fair to compare my writing, a 28 year old amateur writer and college graduate, against the work of an young teen girl who's barely started high school...but what if I only had ten minutes?
I couldn't write a whole story of course, but if I, in ten minutes, could throw together a fragment of a story that's better than the fan fic writer's (who has had an unlimited amount of time to prepare) and with exactly the same premise...I think I'd score a point. Best out of three points wins!
The Judge is a little shaky on the premise though, and has prepared a 'Test premise' for me to use. I'll do my best to throw together a short story based on that premise in ten minutes, with no preparation.
Ready! Set!
The premise is...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows My take on the last book!!!111 CHAPTER 3: Harry and Draco are trapped in an elevator together and true feelings are revealed! But when things look bad a guest star Crossover anime character and my own orginally charrie shows up to save the day!!! This fic is rated M for leMon!!!! plz r&r!!!!1111one"
You're a cruel woman Amby...BUT NOT CRUEL ENOUGH!
CHAPTER 3: AN UNTIMELY INTERRUPTION
Ranma shimmied down the ladder in the elevator shaft as best he could, barely ahead of the lumbering King Torg. Ranma was beginning to worry, knowing that if the big guy slipped, he'd be smashed flat against the elevator below. The fact the self proclaimed 'King' was climbing down one handed, while making out with Nibiki, was not helping out his nerves.
"Will the two of you knock it off! Harry and Draco are going to die if we don't get there soon!"
Torg pulled himself off Ranma's exhaused, soon to be sister in law, and yelled down,
"Can't they just 'magic' themselves out or something? This chick is so ready..."
Ranma rolled his eyes and quickly squirmed down below, where he saw the outline of what appeared to be an elevator. He was about to yell up at the idiotic half pig-demon guy, when he heard voices from below,
"What do you mean you don't have one?"
A squeaky, shrill voice rattled out, echoing through the darkness. A slightly deeper voice shot back,
"Well why would I have one with me? It's not like I was expecting this to...well can't you just magic one up or something?"
A low, shrill growl hissed back, like a snake,
"Why the hell would there be a spell like that for?!"
"For situations like this, I'd imagine. Can't we just...you know, not use one?"
The shrill voice became slightly annoyed, spewing back,
"If I'm going where Weasley's been, I'm sure as hell wearing one."
King Torg shimmied down, leaving the exhausted Nibiki further up, to catch her breath. He slid down towards Ranma and casually asked,
"What I miss?"
"Huh? Oh nothing...say, could you throw these into the elevator down there?"
Torg took the small handful of material, quickly leapt down, opened the hatch and tossed them in.
Harry and Draco looked down at the floor and saw...a zip lock bag and a rubber band.
Harry snapped his head up and snarled,
"OH, HA HA GUYS! HA HA...what?"
Draco look from the bag to the rubber band and wondered,
"Do you think it would..."
"NO!!!"
That's right! I'm taking a short break from the competition, first to let you know what I've got in the large plastic bag next to my computer, and secondly to describe the test run I'm about to go through.
Firstly...firstly? That a word?
Anyway...I say anyway a lot...
Well, (there we go) the bag contains twenty dollars worth of horrible movies, about 30 or so to be exact. A friend of mine sells them online (they're the dollar store DVD's you see around) and I decided to be a customer and buy a very large supply of horrible, horrible, horrible movies. How bad? I'm going to see. Then I decided I can make a little game of it, of a sorts.
I'm going to see how long I can watch the movie before stopping and going to do something else.
For example, I started (randomly) with "Stateline Motel" and found it marginally entertaining. It co-stars the very fine method actor, Eli Wallach (he was 'the ugly' in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'), has a satisfactory car chase (although the main character and Eli magically switch seats in one scene, along with the steering wheel), and a funny opening scene where the main character is released from prison and then immediately goes with Eli to rob a jewelry store.
After a while Eli left though, and we watch the main character get his car 'stuck' on about two inches of snow, leading him to need to go get help...and then I got bored, shutting the movie off for now...at 17 minutes, 52 seconds.
Not bad, considering I only got six minutes into Ninja Death 2 before shutting it off and then banging my head against my desk (I'm saving that one for Jen and Pat's), which made me wonder...how are these movies going to measure up? Which ones will I be able to go the longest with, and which the shortest.
If people want to guess, I'll even try and figure out a prize of some sorts, if they can figure which of these movies, based on titles along, I will go the furthest with, and which one I'll go the least with (not counting the two I've listed above).
The beautiful list of titles (with some additional notes) are:
Slave of the Cannibal God (exactly what it sounds like)
Deadly Impact (Fred Williamson blacksploitation)
Death Journey (ditto)
Project Kill (secret spy action starring...Leslie Nielson?!)
Mutant (produced by Dick Clark...I checked, not that Dick Clark)
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you have to see the back of the package to believe it)
Ninja American Warrior (shouldn't it be American Ninja Warrior?)
Virgin Terror (you can guess)
Spider's Venom (the main chick's hot, looks like Carol Cleveland)
The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (the third in the series, apparently)
Hitler: Dead of Alive (great title)
Prison Break (from 1938, and you can really tell)
Ransom Money (it says the surprise ending on back. Huh?)
Desert Commandos (WW2 guys on the front, Desert Storm guys on back. Wha?)
Legend of the 8 Samurai (no idea, I got it because it comes with the movie...)
Deady Buddhist Raiders (They raid, feel satisfied with what they already have, then burn)
Dementia 13 (a Francis Ford Coppola movie...it's supposed to be good, but who knows)
Murder at Midnight (you'll never guess what happens)
Incident on a Dark Street (Shatner! He's a cop!)
Incubus (More Shatner! He's an exorcist!)
WAIT, WHAT?
You heard me, Amber! Now hold on, I'm not finished yet!
Rage of the Master (doesn't appear to have rage, nor a master)
Snake Crane Secert (that's exactly how it's written on the case)
The Satanic Rites of Dracula (Christopher Lee is Dracula! Moria...)
Horror Express (Chris Lee is on a monster infested train! Mordor...)
Dead Men Walk (Black and White zombie revenge flick)
The Monster Maker (Uh...guy makes monsters. Go fig.)
Dog Day (I hope Lee Marvin was paid well for this crappy criminal on the run flick)
Condition Red (Prison guard hooks up with female prisoner...I was hoping they meant 'red alert' and involved submarines)
A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court (only 55 minutes long...that's a bad sign)
The Amazing Mr. Blunden (time traveling kids foil robbers...99 minutes long...great)
There we go! Thirty turkeys! Can you guess which one is going to last the most, and least amount of time? Post some guesses and we'll see!
Anyway, it's time for the trial run.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET...TRIAL RUN?
You see, I'm not sure if the next challenge will work or not...to eliminate the suspense, it's with www.fanfiction.net, but how to challenge? The Judge declared that it's not really fair to compare my writing, a 28 year old amateur writer and college graduate, against the work of an young teen girl who's barely started high school...but what if I only had ten minutes?
I couldn't write a whole story of course, but if I, in ten minutes, could throw together a fragment of a story that's better than the fan fic writer's (who has had an unlimited amount of time to prepare) and with exactly the same premise...I think I'd score a point. Best out of three points wins!
The Judge is a little shaky on the premise though, and has prepared a 'Test premise' for me to use. I'll do my best to throw together a short story based on that premise in ten minutes, with no preparation.
Ready! Set!
The premise is...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows My take on the last book!!!111 CHAPTER 3: Harry and Draco are trapped in an elevator together and true feelings are revealed! But when things look bad a guest star Crossover anime character and my own orginally charrie shows up to save the day!!! This fic is rated M for leMon!!!! plz r&r!!!!1111one"
You're a cruel woman Amby...BUT NOT CRUEL ENOUGH!
CHAPTER 3: AN UNTIMELY INTERRUPTION
Ranma shimmied down the ladder in the elevator shaft as best he could, barely ahead of the lumbering King Torg. Ranma was beginning to worry, knowing that if the big guy slipped, he'd be smashed flat against the elevator below. The fact the self proclaimed 'King' was climbing down one handed, while making out with Nibiki, was not helping out his nerves.
"Will the two of you knock it off! Harry and Draco are going to die if we don't get there soon!"
Torg pulled himself off Ranma's exhaused, soon to be sister in law, and yelled down,
"Can't they just 'magic' themselves out or something? This chick is so ready..."
Ranma rolled his eyes and quickly squirmed down below, where he saw the outline of what appeared to be an elevator. He was about to yell up at the idiotic half pig-demon guy, when he heard voices from below,
"What do you mean you don't have one?"
A squeaky, shrill voice rattled out, echoing through the darkness. A slightly deeper voice shot back,
"Well why would I have one with me? It's not like I was expecting this to...well can't you just magic one up or something?"
A low, shrill growl hissed back, like a snake,
"Why the hell would there be a spell like that for?!"
"For situations like this, I'd imagine. Can't we just...you know, not use one?"
The shrill voice became slightly annoyed, spewing back,
"If I'm going where Weasley's been, I'm sure as hell wearing one."
King Torg shimmied down, leaving the exhausted Nibiki further up, to catch her breath. He slid down towards Ranma and casually asked,
"What I miss?"
"Huh? Oh nothing...say, could you throw these into the elevator down there?"
Torg took the small handful of material, quickly leapt down, opened the hatch and tossed them in.
Harry and Draco looked down at the floor and saw...a zip lock bag and a rubber band.
Harry snapped his head up and snarled,
"OH, HA HA GUYS! HA HA...what?"
Draco look from the bag to the rubber band and wondered,
"Do you think it would..."
"NO!!!"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 1B
We're back, and to make the situation a little more clear, the judge has decreed that during my IMDB challenge, choosing 'My Pet Monster', the failed pilot/straight to video kids movie, was more than a little bit unfair, especially since it isn't even a movie, really, and the site prides itself in being a 'movie' database.
The first two movies, 'Dr. Alien' and 'God Told Me To' both still stand, leaving me and the website tied up, requiring a third movie to compete against. Because of the last personal foul, I will not get to choose the third movie personally, but an impartial third party (thanks Jenny!) has selected "Unico:".
Unico is a dubbed Japanese cartoon starring the ridiculously adorable tiny cat-sized, red headed unicorn 'Unico' that speaks in an adorable squeaky voice, occasionally sprouts fairy wings, and brings death and chaos everywhere he goes. This isn't exactly Unico's fault, as an evil dark queen follows in Unico's wake, in an attempt to destroy him for some reason I don't exactly follow.
This is outside the plot though, and merely serves as an excuse to drop Unico into brand new situations every movie, never being able to stay with his new friends, having to instead find new lives to unintentionally destroy.
In this chapter, which is the best in my opinion, there is an evil living puppet that hates everyone around him. Does he destroy them? No! Instead he just has his traditional dashing yet reluctant assistant help round everyone up, with the help of the assistant's awesome ability to cut down trees and turn them into flying tree-bikes.
After rounding up the helpless villagers, the evil puppet turns them into...remember those blocks we had when we were young that looked like little people but connected to each other? Yeah, he turns everyone into living building blocks like those, and makes his castle out of them. Overall, it's pretty elaborate considering the amount of thought most villains put into this kind of caper.
Anyway, in a traditional fashion, Unico wins friends, turns the heart of the villain's awesome reluctant assistant, helps the assistant find love, and then in a one-on-one battle, in an untraditional fashion, sprouts fairy wings and then brutally impales the main villain on his horn.
The villain clutches at the wound and then cries out that he feels 'Good!' as he explodes, ending the evil spell upon the villagers, and bringing an unlimited amount of love and friendship to the wonderful puppet killer, Unico, who basically just used the power of pure love to cleave a man in two.
Unspeakably awesome!
No time to celebrate though! Here comes the evil queen, so it's off to further adventures, you delightful horned psychopath you! Ta ta!
Bonus point for Max, for remembering that Unico is a boy, but it gets wiped out by the fact that Max forgot that Unico is based on a Manga. On to IMDB:
IMDB:
Unico: Mahô no shima e (1983)
(No picture)
(English title: Unico In the Magic Island)
Plot Summary:
The lovable Unico the Unicorn still sought after by jealous gods. (Huh?) Is (They're starting the sentence with 'Is'?) taken to the forest by the West Wind and forgets everything from his earlier fantastic adventure. Unico wonders (Wonders?) aimlessly into the deep forest and finds Melvin Magnificat a cranky cat that thinks he is the big boss of the forest. Unico also runs into Cheri a young girl who finds and then cares for Unico. Toby a wannabe magician, (Toby a wannabe magician what?)Lord Kuruku a powerful magician that has a grudge against the human race, (Lord Kuruku a powerful magician what?!)and many more new characters. (And many more new characters wh...ah just forget it)
...wait, that's it? That's all the plot summary we're going to get? Wow, apparently they did forget it. In fact, throughout the horribly written summary, they forgot to talk about the plot! Judges?
Indeed! Although Max did forget about the comic relief cat...but perhaps that's for the best.
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 2
POINT REGAINED
YEAH! TAKE THAT NAY SAYERS! I just knocked down the re-risen Internet Movie Database 'Whack a Mole' style!
Is that it? Of course not! Onto the war journal!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 6: SOMETHING AWFUL
March 11th, 4:30 pm:
I've got a free moment to myself, so I nestled up with my keyboard, fumbled for my pack of ciggs, remembered that I don't smoke, and started writing.
Mom, Dad, Amber, Heather and everyone else...I may not make it back alive from this one.
I keep telling myself that I'm ahead, that I don't have anything to fear, that all the judge has decreed is that I must sit straight through a specific Something Awful weekend web without standing up, significantly looking away or crying like a broken man.
How hard could that be?
Due to the nature of the battle, I'm afraid I won't be able to update you on my progress until after the battle...if I make it out alive. This is a site that prides itself on being awful, so in order for them to win, they're going to have to horrify me to the point of retreat...but I've sworn to myself that I will not retreat!
I will stand tall and strong, holding my shield or on it!
Wait! I hear their approach! The battle begins and I must leave. I'll write again as soon as I...
March 11th, 4:57 pm:
I don't know if I can accurately describe what just happened.
Current level of faith in humanity: 100% (I'll update you on its progress. Like a video game, if it reaches 0%, I'm doomed)
It all started with a Yoshi fan-site. (99%) That's right, Yoshi the Mario Brothers dinosaur. It starts with people, each with their own drawing of Yoshi, talking about how great Yoshi is (98%). One of the members went on to say that he hates those 'serious jerks' that think they're stupid and if there was no consequence, he'd kill them all. (93%)
For a change there's someone with a Tails image from the Sonic games (94%) who's named himself 'Tails' (92%) and goes on about how much he loves his Yoshi plushie (90%) and that he's going to take it everywhere from now on (88%).
His next post is about gay sex with Tails (83%). A LONG post about gay sex with Tails (80%), using phrases such as 'wrapped his tails around' and 'nodded to give consent'. (76%)
If that wasn't enough, it goes on for more and more pages of Tails as a woman, with huge breasts, and in one case as a woman with huge breasts who is also a killer cyborg (66%).
Then we're back to Yoshi, who is drawn with black hair, in a suit, and with a backpack. He's crying over a picture of a red feminine Yoshi, on the wall behind him is the word 'sad' printed over and over, and below the picture is the tagline: 'a pic about how I feel at school'. I want to throw this kid's backpack onto the roof of the gym. (56%)
A member with an adorable and unique picture of Yoshi (58%) whines on and on about how she accidentally killed a lizard (56%).
A member with a generic picture of Yoshi announces: 'If this is spam, please lock. I am single and need a girl to love. :-(' (54%)
It's tails again and he's now a tall naked purple woman! (48%)
More whining. (46%)
Followed by a tense story of how they 'accidentally left their plush yoshi out in the rain, couldn't find it, and when they found it it was all smelly. Then he washed it and it was alright.' I wish I could punt people off the internet (44%)
The next post starts 'Have you ever been tricked in a Yoshi related way?' (40%)
Another kid woke up while sleeping in the middle of class, and for some reason shouted "Yoshi Rules!"
Actually, that's pretty damn funny.
Despite the horrifying pictures/gay fanfics involving Tails, I weathered through the battle with a full two fifths of my faith in humanity remaining. Sure, it was bad, but they were just kids! It all wasn't as bad as it...
It was then I saw the second website in the weekend web roll over the horizon. It's entitled: Jeffrey's Love Quest.
Is it Jeffrey's quest for love? No! It's about his incredible, intense love for...a cartoon character. (35%)
Specifically, his love for Rei Ayanami, the blue haired chick from Neon Genesis Evangelion (30%)
It starts about how much he loves her, and that she's his true soulmate (25%)
Some notable quotes inclue:
"Rei if you truly are real, I want you to know I love you with all my heart!" (20%)
"Rei is my goddess and my queen!" (15%)
A new user, David Jones, attempts to talk the poor fool down (20%)...
But to no avail. (15%)
"Even though I know she is not real, I love her." (10%)
"I know I'm like her, but then their is this other crazy evil side of me, especially when I'm mad." (5%)
"I know Rei is real in some special kind of way." (Stop)
"Not even death would be able to seperate us!" (Please stop)
"Rei Ayanami, you are what completes my soul, your the most important person in my life!" (For the love of all that is holy, please stop)
"YOUR MINE MY LOVE!" (I'm calling the police)
"Also I would love her and be with her for the rest of my life." (I'm dialing now)
"I'd especially marry her!"
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP!!!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 3
There is a horror which lurks in the souls of men, and I'm now completely convinced that this darkness connects directly to the internet, the final dumping ground for everything people would never actually share in public.
Man, I was prepared for gay fanfics, penile silicone injections and anything disgusting...but this, this never ending surge of whiny adolescent insanity...is more than this soldier can bear.
As a penalty, I'll have to grab something from the shop...but not a hand grenade shirt. That wouldn't go over well with mall security.
This battle is lost, but the war continues! Only three challenges left at most, and the end is near! Which one of us is going to slam down face-first into the mat?
Stay tuned!
We're back, and to make the situation a little more clear, the judge has decreed that during my IMDB challenge, choosing 'My Pet Monster', the failed pilot/straight to video kids movie, was more than a little bit unfair, especially since it isn't even a movie, really, and the site prides itself in being a 'movie' database.
The first two movies, 'Dr. Alien' and 'God Told Me To' both still stand, leaving me and the website tied up, requiring a third movie to compete against. Because of the last personal foul, I will not get to choose the third movie personally, but an impartial third party (thanks Jenny!) has selected "Unico:".
Unico is a dubbed Japanese cartoon starring the ridiculously adorable tiny cat-sized, red headed unicorn 'Unico' that speaks in an adorable squeaky voice, occasionally sprouts fairy wings, and brings death and chaos everywhere he goes. This isn't exactly Unico's fault, as an evil dark queen follows in Unico's wake, in an attempt to destroy him for some reason I don't exactly follow.
This is outside the plot though, and merely serves as an excuse to drop Unico into brand new situations every movie, never being able to stay with his new friends, having to instead find new lives to unintentionally destroy.
In this chapter, which is the best in my opinion, there is an evil living puppet that hates everyone around him. Does he destroy them? No! Instead he just has his traditional dashing yet reluctant assistant help round everyone up, with the help of the assistant's awesome ability to cut down trees and turn them into flying tree-bikes.
After rounding up the helpless villagers, the evil puppet turns them into...remember those blocks we had when we were young that looked like little people but connected to each other? Yeah, he turns everyone into living building blocks like those, and makes his castle out of them. Overall, it's pretty elaborate considering the amount of thought most villains put into this kind of caper.
Anyway, in a traditional fashion, Unico wins friends, turns the heart of the villain's awesome reluctant assistant, helps the assistant find love, and then in a one-on-one battle, in an untraditional fashion, sprouts fairy wings and then brutally impales the main villain on his horn.
The villain clutches at the wound and then cries out that he feels 'Good!' as he explodes, ending the evil spell upon the villagers, and bringing an unlimited amount of love and friendship to the wonderful puppet killer, Unico, who basically just used the power of pure love to cleave a man in two.
Unspeakably awesome!
No time to celebrate though! Here comes the evil queen, so it's off to further adventures, you delightful horned psychopath you! Ta ta!
Bonus point for Max, for remembering that Unico is a boy, but it gets wiped out by the fact that Max forgot that Unico is based on a Manga. On to IMDB:
IMDB:
Unico: Mahô no shima e (1983)
(No picture)
(English title: Unico In the Magic Island)
Plot Summary:
The lovable Unico the Unicorn still sought after by jealous gods. (Huh?) Is (They're starting the sentence with 'Is'?) taken to the forest by the West Wind and forgets everything from his earlier fantastic adventure. Unico wonders (Wonders?) aimlessly into the deep forest and finds Melvin Magnificat a cranky cat that thinks he is the big boss of the forest. Unico also runs into Cheri a young girl who finds and then cares for Unico. Toby a wannabe magician, (Toby a wannabe magician what?)Lord Kuruku a powerful magician that has a grudge against the human race, (Lord Kuruku a powerful magician what?!)and many more new characters. (And many more new characters wh...ah just forget it)
...wait, that's it? That's all the plot summary we're going to get? Wow, apparently they did forget it. In fact, throughout the horribly written summary, they forgot to talk about the plot! Judges?
Indeed! Although Max did forget about the comic relief cat...but perhaps that's for the best.
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 2
POINT REGAINED
YEAH! TAKE THAT NAY SAYERS! I just knocked down the re-risen Internet Movie Database 'Whack a Mole' style!
Is that it? Of course not! Onto the war journal!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 6: SOMETHING AWFUL
March 11th, 4:30 pm:
I've got a free moment to myself, so I nestled up with my keyboard, fumbled for my pack of ciggs, remembered that I don't smoke, and started writing.
Mom, Dad, Amber, Heather and everyone else...I may not make it back alive from this one.
I keep telling myself that I'm ahead, that I don't have anything to fear, that all the judge has decreed is that I must sit straight through a specific Something Awful weekend web without standing up, significantly looking away or crying like a broken man.
How hard could that be?
Due to the nature of the battle, I'm afraid I won't be able to update you on my progress until after the battle...if I make it out alive. This is a site that prides itself on being awful, so in order for them to win, they're going to have to horrify me to the point of retreat...but I've sworn to myself that I will not retreat!
I will stand tall and strong, holding my shield or on it!
Wait! I hear their approach! The battle begins and I must leave. I'll write again as soon as I...
March 11th, 4:57 pm:
I don't know if I can accurately describe what just happened.
Current level of faith in humanity: 100% (I'll update you on its progress. Like a video game, if it reaches 0%, I'm doomed)
It all started with a Yoshi fan-site. (99%) That's right, Yoshi the Mario Brothers dinosaur. It starts with people, each with their own drawing of Yoshi, talking about how great Yoshi is (98%). One of the members went on to say that he hates those 'serious jerks' that think they're stupid and if there was no consequence, he'd kill them all. (93%)
For a change there's someone with a Tails image from the Sonic games (94%) who's named himself 'Tails' (92%) and goes on about how much he loves his Yoshi plushie (90%) and that he's going to take it everywhere from now on (88%).
His next post is about gay sex with Tails (83%). A LONG post about gay sex with Tails (80%), using phrases such as 'wrapped his tails around' and 'nodded to give consent'. (76%)
If that wasn't enough, it goes on for more and more pages of Tails as a woman, with huge breasts, and in one case as a woman with huge breasts who is also a killer cyborg (66%).
Then we're back to Yoshi, who is drawn with black hair, in a suit, and with a backpack. He's crying over a picture of a red feminine Yoshi, on the wall behind him is the word 'sad' printed over and over, and below the picture is the tagline: 'a pic about how I feel at school'. I want to throw this kid's backpack onto the roof of the gym. (56%)
A member with an adorable and unique picture of Yoshi (58%) whines on and on about how she accidentally killed a lizard (56%).
A member with a generic picture of Yoshi announces: 'If this is spam, please lock. I am single and need a girl to love. :-(' (54%)
It's tails again and he's now a tall naked purple woman! (48%)
More whining. (46%)
Followed by a tense story of how they 'accidentally left their plush yoshi out in the rain, couldn't find it, and when they found it it was all smelly. Then he washed it and it was alright.' I wish I could punt people off the internet (44%)
The next post starts 'Have you ever been tricked in a Yoshi related way?' (40%)
Another kid woke up while sleeping in the middle of class, and for some reason shouted "Yoshi Rules!"
Actually, that's pretty damn funny.
Despite the horrifying pictures/gay fanfics involving Tails, I weathered through the battle with a full two fifths of my faith in humanity remaining. Sure, it was bad, but they were just kids! It all wasn't as bad as it...
It was then I saw the second website in the weekend web roll over the horizon. It's entitled: Jeffrey's Love Quest.
Is it Jeffrey's quest for love? No! It's about his incredible, intense love for...a cartoon character. (35%)
Specifically, his love for Rei Ayanami, the blue haired chick from Neon Genesis Evangelion (30%)
It starts about how much he loves her, and that she's his true soulmate (25%)
Some notable quotes inclue:
"Rei if you truly are real, I want you to know I love you with all my heart!" (20%)
"Rei is my goddess and my queen!" (15%)
A new user, David Jones, attempts to talk the poor fool down (20%)...
But to no avail. (15%)
"Even though I know she is not real, I love her." (10%)
"I know I'm like her, but then their is this other crazy evil side of me, especially when I'm mad." (5%)
"I know Rei is real in some special kind of way." (Stop)
"Not even death would be able to seperate us!" (Please stop)
"Rei Ayanami, you are what completes my soul, your the most important person in my life!" (For the love of all that is holy, please stop)
"YOUR MINE MY LOVE!" (I'm calling the police)
"Also I would love her and be with her for the rest of my life." (I'm dialing now)
"I'd especially marry her!"
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP!!!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 3
There is a horror which lurks in the souls of men, and I'm now completely convinced that this darkness connects directly to the internet, the final dumping ground for everything people would never actually share in public.
Man, I was prepared for gay fanfics, penile silicone injections and anything disgusting...but this, this never ending surge of whiny adolescent insanity...is more than this soldier can bear.
As a penalty, I'll have to grab something from the shop...but not a hand grenade shirt. That wouldn't go over well with mall security.
This battle is lost, but the war continues! Only three challenges left at most, and the end is near! Which one of us is going to slam down face-first into the mat?
Stay tuned!
Monday, February 26, 2007
The judge has decreed that one of my past victories was possibly unfair, and until the dispute is resolved, my record will go back down to 2-1. Which glorious victory of mine is being disputed? You'll just have to stay tuned and see...
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 5: AMAZON
Amazon. Videos. Books. Games. It's basically Half.com for people who don't like to save money.
Seriously, you could take www.Amazon.com, make everything slightly used and half the cost, and you'd get www.half.com.
Well...Amazon has a lot else to offer, right?
Oh I don't know. That's why I'm here. TO CHALLENGE AMAZON TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!
Well not really to the death, actually. I haven't got the guts, and Amazon doesn't have a "life" to lose, so to speak. So let's just spar, gentleman-like, and whoever wins gets a point...and what the hell, a free punch to the face. I feel generous.
Amazon has gone to incredible lengths to determine what I would like, and frankly an accurate listing of all the movies/books/video games that I'd like to pre-order, is the only thing that could possibly get me to buy through Amazon. To be honest, I have, in the relatively recent past, found, pre-ordered and then purchased two books through Amazon.com in this manner.
Two...but not three.
The judge has therefore decreed that I am to look through my Amazon recommendation list and then check each item, to see if the price they're asking for it (plus shipping) is actually what I'm willing to pay for that item. I am also to wipe out any item that I already own from the list, leaving me twenty items that I might "potentially" buy. If they can recommend three items I'd actually buy, at a price I'd be willing to pay for them, they win! If this seems unfair, keep in mind that they only have to win 3 of the 20 items, so knock it off already!
The aforementioned punch to the face? If Amazon wins...I'll actually buy those items.
That's right, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Begin.
Page 1 of items:
"Princess Mononoke" on DVD, "Nausicaa" on DVD, "Chronicles of Narnia" on DVD (special 4 disc set), Fraggle Rock "Red" doll, and "Star Wars: Episode 3"
I could hem and haw around the issue, but I'm just going to come out and say it:
I didn't like Princess Mononoke. It was preachy, depressing, and Princess Mononoke herself was a traditional Japanese female lead: beautiful, weak and almost completely dependent on the male hero. I'm not willing to buy it at all. That doesn't help the fact that they want $20 for it.
Nausicaa...depressing...not "Grave of the Fireflies" depressing, but close enough. No sale.
Chronicles of Narnia is the kind of movie I assumed I'd eventually get through Netflix, most likely to watch Mike Nelson and the bots make fun of it. I'd possibly get it as a laugh for...$8...which is about $27 less than I'd have to pay to own this gem. Man, Amazon, do you really think you know me?
Apparently Amazon is selling toys now. I hadn't even noticed. A doll of Red the Fraggle? I'd prefer...almost any other fraggle really. I'd be willing to lay a five spot down for it though. And it costs...$15. Moving on.
Episode 3 holds a special place in my heart. Specifically the part that hates life and loves misery (what's with that part, anyway?). Oh sure, the movie had quite a few things going for it. Few, if you weren't aware, is officially "3".
Those three things were: Obi-wan (the real main character of the trilogy), General Smoker-cough, and Yoda McKillsalototroopers. I'd pay $13, out of pure, knee-jerk loyalty to Lucas.
The price with shipping?
...$12.99
DAMN IT!!! There's so many better things I could spend $12.99 on! Still, I promised, and I don't have to do it unless Amazon can come up with two more!
Onto page 2 of items: "Chicken Run" (the first good movie Amazon's offered) on DVD, "Castle in the Air" in paperback, "Star Trek: the Animated series" on DVD (shudder), "Robbie the Reindeer" on DVD (?), and "Rocky and Bullwinkle: Season 3".
Chicken Run was an honestly good movie...but it's one of those movies I honestly don't need to see again. I'd possibly pay $10...and they want $13. *Whew!*
Castle in the Air...generic kids fantasty...I don't want it.
Star Trek the animated series? They didn't burn that?! Do they need someone to help them burn it?! I'll pay $5 for a copy, just to burn it! The $43 they want (shakes head) is a bit too steep to warrant the destruction.
Robbie the Reindeer? What the hell is that and why is it getting recommended to be? $8 out of pure curiosity. The $15 they want is a bit much.
Rocky and Bullwinkle is always fun! It was fun in season 1 and season 2 of the DVDs (both I own), but is the third season really going to be any better? I mean, half the joke behind the show is that it's ALWAYS the same! I'd still pay $15 for it though. Of course, as a large, multi-disk set, they want $38. No dice.
Halfway through and only one item on my list!
Page 3: "Addams Family: Season 1" on DVD (might get burned on this one), "Capote" on DVD (okay), "The Dark Knight Returns" in paperback, "Aeon Flux" on DVD, and "Matrix Revolutions" on DVD
Ooooo...I'd actually buy the original Addams family on DVD. It'd spend...$19. What can I say? Gomez, Fester and Lurch are hilarious, and Morticia is HOT with a capital...oh, I guess it's already capitalized. Still, I'd marry, divorce, and re-marry her in a heartbeat (effectively giving her 75% of everything I have, but she's worth it...salivate...).
I'd pay $19 for it.
Sun of a gun, they only want $17.97
Oh well, I feel a lot better about that than Star Wars. Just one more and Amazon may have something...but I don't feel so bad about the next few possibilites.
Capote? The man who defined what it meant to be creative and gay!
Wait, that was Oscar Wilde. Nevermind, $5. They want $15, so moving on.
The Dark Knight returns was good...but not that good. It kind of fills the same void as Chicken Run. Fittingly, I'd pay $10...and fittingly, they want $13.
Aeon Flux and Matrix 3 both hold a special place in my adnoids. Unfortunately, those were cut out of me, so they get nothing.
Final page: "Dinosaurs: season 1 and 2" on DVD (eww...), "Saturday Night Live: the Complete First Season" on DVD, "Seinfeld: Season 7" on DVD, "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas", and "Naked Gun: the complete trilogy" (uh oh...that's bad for me, very bad)
I wouldn't slam the first and second season of Dinosaurs into my worst enemy's face...which ironically is the television show "Dinosaurs". Could I slam something into its own face? I guess I could slam its fist into it. Do television shows have fists? Huh...
Anyway, next is Saturday Night Live...and that humor is pretty dated. Still, there's fun to be had, so...$15...slightly short of the $49.00 they want.
If I had the sudden urge to watch Seinfeld, I wouldn't start with the last season, so I'd only give about $15, again short of the $39.00 asked for.
Otter's Jugband Christmas? That sounds...scary. I'm sorry Mr. Henson, there's limits. No touching below the waist and no Otter Jugband holiday movies. $8 only, and as suspected, they want $18.
Do people really pay these prices for these DVD's? This is a recommendation list geared towards me, so I can only assume that there are other me's out there who's willing to slam down another $10 to watch an otter puppet blow into a jug.
Wherever you are, other me's...don't...just don't.
Well, that about wraps up this...
AHEM!
Oh yeah...the last item.
Crap, I actually want the complete Naked Gun. I almost peed myself laughing after watching the first...the third was a little lame, sure, but the whole set! All at once...
CRAP! I'd pay $24...
What do they want...
Wait for it!
Only two more after this one!
WAIT! I CAN SEE IT NOW! STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
$21.99
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 2
When www.amazon.com scans me, does it scan me positively, seeing the good qualities within myself, or does it always scan me darkly...
In any case, it scans me well. I had no idea that there were actually deals on Amazon! I thought they were all ripoffs! It turns out that's just for everything else BESIDES movies.
Damn it...I actually have to pay hard earned money for Episode 3. BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH IT! SO THERE!
As a consolation to myself, I threw together a second blog, for the hell of it:
http://morbidhaiku.blogspot.com
Check it out and be slightly disturbed! ^_^
Next time: Is Something Awful really that awful...and will I get that disputed point back? We shall see...
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 5: AMAZON
Amazon. Videos. Books. Games. It's basically Half.com for people who don't like to save money.
Seriously, you could take www.Amazon.com, make everything slightly used and half the cost, and you'd get www.half.com.
Well...Amazon has a lot else to offer, right?
Oh I don't know. That's why I'm here. TO CHALLENGE AMAZON TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!
Well not really to the death, actually. I haven't got the guts, and Amazon doesn't have a "life" to lose, so to speak. So let's just spar, gentleman-like, and whoever wins gets a point...and what the hell, a free punch to the face. I feel generous.
Amazon has gone to incredible lengths to determine what I would like, and frankly an accurate listing of all the movies/books/video games that I'd like to pre-order, is the only thing that could possibly get me to buy through Amazon. To be honest, I have, in the relatively recent past, found, pre-ordered and then purchased two books through Amazon.com in this manner.
Two...but not three.
The judge has therefore decreed that I am to look through my Amazon recommendation list and then check each item, to see if the price they're asking for it (plus shipping) is actually what I'm willing to pay for that item. I am also to wipe out any item that I already own from the list, leaving me twenty items that I might "potentially" buy. If they can recommend three items I'd actually buy, at a price I'd be willing to pay for them, they win! If this seems unfair, keep in mind that they only have to win 3 of the 20 items, so knock it off already!
The aforementioned punch to the face? If Amazon wins...I'll actually buy those items.
That's right, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Begin.
Page 1 of items:
"Princess Mononoke" on DVD, "Nausicaa" on DVD, "Chronicles of Narnia" on DVD (special 4 disc set), Fraggle Rock "Red" doll, and "Star Wars: Episode 3"
I could hem and haw around the issue, but I'm just going to come out and say it:
I didn't like Princess Mononoke. It was preachy, depressing, and Princess Mononoke herself was a traditional Japanese female lead: beautiful, weak and almost completely dependent on the male hero. I'm not willing to buy it at all. That doesn't help the fact that they want $20 for it.
Nausicaa...depressing...not "Grave of the Fireflies" depressing, but close enough. No sale.
Chronicles of Narnia is the kind of movie I assumed I'd eventually get through Netflix, most likely to watch Mike Nelson and the bots make fun of it. I'd possibly get it as a laugh for...$8...which is about $27 less than I'd have to pay to own this gem. Man, Amazon, do you really think you know me?
Apparently Amazon is selling toys now. I hadn't even noticed. A doll of Red the Fraggle? I'd prefer...almost any other fraggle really. I'd be willing to lay a five spot down for it though. And it costs...$15. Moving on.
Episode 3 holds a special place in my heart. Specifically the part that hates life and loves misery (what's with that part, anyway?). Oh sure, the movie had quite a few things going for it. Few, if you weren't aware, is officially "3".
Those three things were: Obi-wan (the real main character of the trilogy), General Smoker-cough, and Yoda McKillsalototroopers. I'd pay $13, out of pure, knee-jerk loyalty to Lucas.
The price with shipping?
...$12.99
DAMN IT!!! There's so many better things I could spend $12.99 on! Still, I promised, and I don't have to do it unless Amazon can come up with two more!
Onto page 2 of items: "Chicken Run" (the first good movie Amazon's offered) on DVD, "Castle in the Air" in paperback, "Star Trek: the Animated series" on DVD (shudder), "Robbie the Reindeer" on DVD (?), and "Rocky and Bullwinkle: Season 3".
Chicken Run was an honestly good movie...but it's one of those movies I honestly don't need to see again. I'd possibly pay $10...and they want $13. *Whew!*
Castle in the Air...generic kids fantasty...I don't want it.
Star Trek the animated series? They didn't burn that?! Do they need someone to help them burn it?! I'll pay $5 for a copy, just to burn it! The $43 they want (shakes head) is a bit too steep to warrant the destruction.
Robbie the Reindeer? What the hell is that and why is it getting recommended to be? $8 out of pure curiosity. The $15 they want is a bit much.
Rocky and Bullwinkle is always fun! It was fun in season 1 and season 2 of the DVDs (both I own), but is the third season really going to be any better? I mean, half the joke behind the show is that it's ALWAYS the same! I'd still pay $15 for it though. Of course, as a large, multi-disk set, they want $38. No dice.
Halfway through and only one item on my list!
Page 3: "Addams Family: Season 1" on DVD (might get burned on this one), "Capote" on DVD (okay), "The Dark Knight Returns" in paperback, "Aeon Flux" on DVD, and "Matrix Revolutions" on DVD
Ooooo...I'd actually buy the original Addams family on DVD. It'd spend...$19. What can I say? Gomez, Fester and Lurch are hilarious, and Morticia is HOT with a capital...oh, I guess it's already capitalized. Still, I'd marry, divorce, and re-marry her in a heartbeat (effectively giving her 75% of everything I have, but she's worth it...salivate...).
I'd pay $19 for it.
Sun of a gun, they only want $17.97
Oh well, I feel a lot better about that than Star Wars. Just one more and Amazon may have something...but I don't feel so bad about the next few possibilites.
Capote? The man who defined what it meant to be creative and gay!
Wait, that was Oscar Wilde. Nevermind, $5. They want $15, so moving on.
The Dark Knight returns was good...but not that good. It kind of fills the same void as Chicken Run. Fittingly, I'd pay $10...and fittingly, they want $13.
Aeon Flux and Matrix 3 both hold a special place in my adnoids. Unfortunately, those were cut out of me, so they get nothing.
Final page: "Dinosaurs: season 1 and 2" on DVD (eww...), "Saturday Night Live: the Complete First Season" on DVD, "Seinfeld: Season 7" on DVD, "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas", and "Naked Gun: the complete trilogy" (uh oh...that's bad for me, very bad)
I wouldn't slam the first and second season of Dinosaurs into my worst enemy's face...which ironically is the television show "Dinosaurs". Could I slam something into its own face? I guess I could slam its fist into it. Do television shows have fists? Huh...
Anyway, next is Saturday Night Live...and that humor is pretty dated. Still, there's fun to be had, so...$15...slightly short of the $49.00 they want.
If I had the sudden urge to watch Seinfeld, I wouldn't start with the last season, so I'd only give about $15, again short of the $39.00 asked for.
Otter's Jugband Christmas? That sounds...scary. I'm sorry Mr. Henson, there's limits. No touching below the waist and no Otter Jugband holiday movies. $8 only, and as suspected, they want $18.
Do people really pay these prices for these DVD's? This is a recommendation list geared towards me, so I can only assume that there are other me's out there who's willing to slam down another $10 to watch an otter puppet blow into a jug.
Wherever you are, other me's...don't...just don't.
Well, that about wraps up this...
AHEM!
Oh yeah...the last item.
Crap, I actually want the complete Naked Gun. I almost peed myself laughing after watching the first...the third was a little lame, sure, but the whole set! All at once...
CRAP! I'd pay $24...
What do they want...
Wait for it!
Only two more after this one!
WAIT! I CAN SEE IT NOW! STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
$21.99
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 2
When www.amazon.com scans me, does it scan me positively, seeing the good qualities within myself, or does it always scan me darkly...
In any case, it scans me well. I had no idea that there were actually deals on Amazon! I thought they were all ripoffs! It turns out that's just for everything else BESIDES movies.
Damn it...I actually have to pay hard earned money for Episode 3. BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH IT! SO THERE!
As a consolation to myself, I threw together a second blog, for the hell of it:
http://morbidhaiku.blogspot.com
Check it out and be slightly disturbed! ^_^
Next time: Is Something Awful really that awful...and will I get that disputed point back? We shall see...
Friday, February 16, 2007
NINJA ROBOT DINOSAUR!
Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!
I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!
MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.
Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.
Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?
Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!
Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!
What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".
I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!
For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.
The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).
If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.
Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...
Magic Pet Anime
What does he get...
Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!
What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.
POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST
Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.
Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...
Princess Pony Dancer
What does she get?!
Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.
There's a princess.
Doll furniture...
Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...
Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.
DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!
For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.
Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...
Naked Penis Breast?
Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.
So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?
Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!
Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.
If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!
For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.
For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:
YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!
Now that's educational!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1
Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!
Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!
I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!
MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.
Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.
Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?
Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!
Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!
What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".
I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!
For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.
The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).
If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.
Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...
Magic Pet Anime
What does he get...
Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!
What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.
POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST
Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.
Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...
Princess Pony Dancer
What does she get?!
Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.
There's a princess.
Doll furniture...
Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...
Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.
DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!
For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.
Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...
Naked Penis Breast?
Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.
So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?
Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!
Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.
If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!
For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.
For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:
YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!
Now that's educational!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1
Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!
Monday, February 12, 2007
Hmm...I'm not exactly sure what Frank (the commenter) meant by having someone represent the internet. I mean, I'm challenging the internet as it is now, not the people behind it, or the concept of the internet. The only thing I could imagine that being like is a debate, and debates are boring.
So, if Frank, or anyone, wants to challenge me they'll have to make their own website or something. Either that or Rock-Paper-Scissors. I'm good either way.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 3
CHALLENGE 3: WWW.FARK.COM
Who needs CNN when you've got the highlights of Stuff magazine, work safe girlie pictures, that thing that guy heard, pictures of surprised owls, breaking hearsay, and everything else www.somethingawful.com throws away!
Who? Those of us who get bored by actual news sites, that's who!
Still, they probably deserve a good jab or two, so here we go.
Fark isn't necessarily a bad site, as it provides breaking news from many sources, but do we really need to know these tidbits, especially since we have to fish through mounds of barely organized crappy links to get to them? Let's find out!
The judge has approved my challenge for Fark, which is to check Fark's posts over the previous two days to see if I can find three links that are genuinely either informative or entertaining (that I wasn't already aware of through other sources), with the added stipulation that any links that don't work because of the massive amount of viewers (AKA: Farked) do not count. If Fark can provide three worthy links in two days, they win. If they can't, I do a little dance.
Let's go surfing!
Dogs banned from capital building. Okay.
Photoshop this cellar door...uh...no.
Protest over teacher's erotic vampire website. Is she hot? Checking...quite...but no link to the afore mentioned erotic vampire website, so I feel slightly cheated.
Blah, blah, blah dollar coins...OOOOO! Stop the presses! There's been a Calendar misprint! How will we ever know when it stops being May the 28th?
Uh...Boston light brite joke...blah, blah, blah, pot growers, blah, blah, blah, Welsh pub meets in church...
Oh wait, here's an interesting one. Apparently Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit centers to help fight crime and terror. The catch? Nobody's watching them. Yup, they just sit there and record on their own, but apparently nobody's really keeping track of them either. The link goes on to describe a robbery that occurred right in front of the cameras, but the police didn't get around to checking the tapes in time, and they got copied over.
Guy: "Mr. Officer, do you have my robbery on videotape?"
Officer: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I copied over it with adult swim last night."
Guy: "Oh..."
Officer: "Dude, did you see the new show, Saul of the Mole Men?"
Guy: "No, I was getting robbed."
Officer: "Dude, it was hilarious!"
Well that was a good use of taxpayer money. The cameras copied the crime and it just got copied over, Phoenix Wright style (those of you who don't know what I'm referring to are either suffering from 'haven't-played-the-most-awesome-game-on-the-DS-syndrome' or are still stuck on the fourth damn case).
I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THAT FARK DIDN'T MAKE A MOONINITE JOKE. POINT FOR FARK.
Hmm...well, back at it...
Dang! Two links down and we find a really fun side-scrolling adventure flash game called 'Millie and the Lost Sword' with an amusing, anti-WOW/online gaming theme to it, and the advertisement on the side of the screen has a hot girl in a thong on it.
Could a guy ask for more?
OH MAX...
What? I'm a geek! If you take away free video games and girlie pictures, what does that leave me? Snacks alone? I'll be dead in a week!
AH, YOU HAVE A POINT...ALTHOUGH WHAT A WEEK IT WOULD BE...POINT
Damn it Fark! Start sucking! I'm only one site away from...
Ah, a guide to LARP (live action roleplay)...I feel much safer now...
Girlscouts on Meth. Funny, but no...
Prison cats on decline. Prison cats? In that same vein, there's 'family' prison cells for people in Spain who want their families to live with them. Seriously.
Heroic dogs...robbery on billionaire's home...Batmoblie for sale...evolution Sunday...Obama is running for president...didn't he do that already? I thought that was a given? No surprise there...
Puns...puns...giant wang sculpture...fear of grannies...
Most heroic wedding picture you'll see all day? A soldier's wedding photo? Why's that...
Dear God.
Oh.
Ouch.
Uh.
Wow.
Wait...it continues onto her gallery of other photos of wounded war veterans and...
Oh.
Oh god.
IS THAT A SMALL TEAR I SEE, MAX?
No.
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS...
*SNIFF*
WAIT! IS HE...
*RAISES HAND*
IS HE?!!!
*TAPS OUT*
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 1
OH MAX, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT THINGS ON THE INTERNET? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? YOU JUST CLICK ON YOUR E-MAIL...WHICH IS MOSTLY SPAM...AND THEN GO.
Well perhaps you're...NO! NO, I CANNOT! For I have challenged the internet and I must follow through!
I claimed Fark was little more than a load of brainless work-alternatives, but it proved me wrong.
Fark.com is like panning for Gold AFTER the big rush began. You're not going to get too much reward for your trouble, but as long as you're easily entertained, you'll have quite a bit of fun at Fark, and possibly find a heart touching moment, or better yet, some partial nudity to boot!
Well met, Fark. Well met.
*Slaps self in the face twice*
I gotta keep psyched up! Next time...it's Google Image's turn!
So, if Frank, or anyone, wants to challenge me they'll have to make their own website or something. Either that or Rock-Paper-Scissors. I'm good either way.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 3
CHALLENGE 3: WWW.FARK.COM
Who needs CNN when you've got the highlights of Stuff magazine, work safe girlie pictures, that thing that guy heard, pictures of surprised owls, breaking hearsay, and everything else www.somethingawful.com throws away!
Who? Those of us who get bored by actual news sites, that's who!
Still, they probably deserve a good jab or two, so here we go.
Fark isn't necessarily a bad site, as it provides breaking news from many sources, but do we really need to know these tidbits, especially since we have to fish through mounds of barely organized crappy links to get to them? Let's find out!
The judge has approved my challenge for Fark, which is to check Fark's posts over the previous two days to see if I can find three links that are genuinely either informative or entertaining (that I wasn't already aware of through other sources), with the added stipulation that any links that don't work because of the massive amount of viewers (AKA: Farked) do not count. If Fark can provide three worthy links in two days, they win. If they can't, I do a little dance.
Let's go surfing!
Dogs banned from capital building. Okay.
Photoshop this cellar door...uh...no.
Protest over teacher's erotic vampire website. Is she hot? Checking...quite...but no link to the afore mentioned erotic vampire website, so I feel slightly cheated.
Blah, blah, blah dollar coins...OOOOO! Stop the presses! There's been a Calendar misprint! How will we ever know when it stops being May the 28th?
Uh...Boston light brite joke...blah, blah, blah, pot growers, blah, blah, blah, Welsh pub meets in church...
Oh wait, here's an interesting one. Apparently Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit centers to help fight crime and terror. The catch? Nobody's watching them. Yup, they just sit there and record on their own, but apparently nobody's really keeping track of them either. The link goes on to describe a robbery that occurred right in front of the cameras, but the police didn't get around to checking the tapes in time, and they got copied over.
Guy: "Mr. Officer, do you have my robbery on videotape?"
Officer: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I copied over it with adult swim last night."
Guy: "Oh..."
Officer: "Dude, did you see the new show, Saul of the Mole Men?"
Guy: "No, I was getting robbed."
Officer: "Dude, it was hilarious!"
Well that was a good use of taxpayer money. The cameras copied the crime and it just got copied over, Phoenix Wright style (those of you who don't know what I'm referring to are either suffering from 'haven't-played-the-most-awesome-game-on-the-DS-syndrome' or are still stuck on the fourth damn case).
I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THAT FARK DIDN'T MAKE A MOONINITE JOKE. POINT FOR FARK.
Hmm...well, back at it...
Dang! Two links down and we find a really fun side-scrolling adventure flash game called 'Millie and the Lost Sword' with an amusing, anti-WOW/online gaming theme to it, and the advertisement on the side of the screen has a hot girl in a thong on it.
Could a guy ask for more?
OH MAX...
What? I'm a geek! If you take away free video games and girlie pictures, what does that leave me? Snacks alone? I'll be dead in a week!
AH, YOU HAVE A POINT...ALTHOUGH WHAT A WEEK IT WOULD BE...POINT
Damn it Fark! Start sucking! I'm only one site away from...
Ah, a guide to LARP (live action roleplay)...I feel much safer now...
Girlscouts on Meth. Funny, but no...
Prison cats on decline. Prison cats? In that same vein, there's 'family' prison cells for people in Spain who want their families to live with them. Seriously.
Heroic dogs...robbery on billionaire's home...Batmoblie for sale...evolution Sunday...Obama is running for president...didn't he do that already? I thought that was a given? No surprise there...
Puns...puns...giant wang sculpture...fear of grannies...
Most heroic wedding picture you'll see all day? A soldier's wedding photo? Why's that...
Dear God.
Oh.
Ouch.
Uh.
Wow.
Wait...it continues onto her gallery of other photos of wounded war veterans and...
Oh.
Oh god.
IS THAT A SMALL TEAR I SEE, MAX?
No.
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS...
*SNIFF*
WAIT! IS HE...
*RAISES HAND*
IS HE?!!!
*TAPS OUT*
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 1
OH MAX, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT THINGS ON THE INTERNET? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? YOU JUST CLICK ON YOUR E-MAIL...WHICH IS MOSTLY SPAM...AND THEN GO.
Well perhaps you're...NO! NO, I CANNOT! For I have challenged the internet and I must follow through!
I claimed Fark was little more than a load of brainless work-alternatives, but it proved me wrong.
Fark.com is like panning for Gold AFTER the big rush began. You're not going to get too much reward for your trouble, but as long as you're easily entertained, you'll have quite a bit of fun at Fark, and possibly find a heart touching moment, or better yet, some partial nudity to boot!
Well met, Fark. Well met.
*Slaps self in the face twice*
I gotta keep psyched up! Next time...it's Google Image's turn!
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