This next post is a direct result of my sister’s willing, and unprecedented descent into comic geekdom. I’ll be the first to admit that I was a comic geek when I was younger. I bought variant covers of the same comic, kept them in plastic bags with cardboard backing, stood in line for several hours to buy a copy of ‘Death of Superman’, played all the superhero roleplaying and video games, and spent way too much time looking at the spandex covered supergirls posing on the covers (I’ll even admit to having a few of the ‘swimsuit’ issues of the comics).
That all being said, even at my lowest depth, I never even came close to the level of superhero comic geekdom my sister, Amber, has now achieved. With help from her, I have created the following, to be updated and edited with her help, as we need to have definitive proof exactly which superhero comic company, DC or Marvel, is the greatest of them all. Instead of a simple fight, I’ve decided to throw some spice into the mix and present to you:
The Super Powered Blasphemy Challenge!!!
MAX: Hello sports fans! Today we’re going to finally have it out! Right Amby?
AMBER: Right Max! We've got twenty of the greatest superheroes that DC and Marvel have to offer, and we've got something special in mind.
Max: Yeah, we figured, why just have them fight, which has been done to death, when we can have them compete in the most politically incorrect manner possible!
AMBER: Why wait and see when exactly the second coming is going to happen, and which specific religious denomination is truly correct? We’ve got more than enough power within these two superteams to take over the job as supreme being as it is...or do we? Let's see the teams!
DC (TEAM CAPTAIN: WONDER WOMAN)
AMBER: Since I'm more of the DC fan, I'll introduce the gaggle of goody two-shoes. For the record, all of the DC characters are being taken from the silver age, as that was when they were the least whiny and the most kickass. The team captain, Wonder Woman, is leading the way and she's looking as powerful and striking as...Max, stop drooling over the announcer's table.
AMBER: Anyway, Wonder Woman is pound for pound the greatest blasphemy on the DC team, receiving all her powers and equipment directly from the Greek gods themselves, mostly from Artemis, goddess of the hunt.
MAX: Didn't she turn a guy into a deer and kill him for peeping on her?
AMBER: Yeah, and she was one of the more level headed gods. Anyway, Superman comes out second, a godless alien who has forever been the icon of rediculously overpowered heroes that don't really do much of anything. Following him is Batman, with an overloaded utility belt. I'm sure he's prepared well with blasphemy in mind, so that should be quite a wild card in the upcoming events. Accompanying him is Robin…wait, Robin? A side-kick has made it into the competition? Have they substituted him for someone else? Anyway, to clarify, as the silver age Robin, it's Dick Greyson, so technically it's Nightwing, but right now he’s still the young, spry and (despite some rumors) COMPLETELY STRAIGHT boy wonder we all know and love.
MAX: WHAT THE?!
AMBER: WHOA! The Flash just kind of appeared there folks, and if anyone can produce ‘god-like speed’ it will be him. Again, this is the silver age Flash, so I’d like to be the first to welcome him back from the dead.
FROM OFFSTAGE: SHAZAM!
AMBER: That can only mean one thing! Captain Marvel...that's right, CAPTAIN MARVEL.
MAX: Calm now.
AMBER: NOT SHAZAM...has entered the arena. Bearing his trademark red suit, yellow lightningbolt and correct name, he's ready to rumble! Springing next to him is...Plastic Man? I thought I heard the Spectre was next.
MAX: Well the Spectre technically gets his power directly from god, so there was a conflict of interests.
AMBER: Quite a shame, as the silver age Spectre is possibly the most overpowered hero of them all! He turned a villain into a candle and burned him down to nothing, as the candle screamed the entire way down.
MAX: That's pretty damn cool.
AMBER: Indeed, but I'm sure the playful plastic lunatic will be more than up for the competition.
MAX: Will Elastic Man be here too?
AMBER: He's too busy searching Silent Hill for Sue.
MAX: Ant Man?
AMBER: Nope, too busy beating his wife for burning a pie.
MAX: Shame. Oh, here come two green guys.
AMBER: Yes, here comes both the Green Lantern and the Green Arrow who are at this point just beginning their 'buddy movie' team-up phase. Hal and Queen both seem confident, and are waving happily to the crowd. This means the last member of the team is…Aquaman? I can’t believe it! Aquaman is the final member of…oh wait folks, it’s actually the Martian Manhunter! Yes, he’s shapeshifted back into his normal form and everyone’s sharing a good natured laugh at Aquaman's expense. There’s the real Aquaman watching from the sides and…yes, he’s visibly fighting back tears and running back to the locker rooms for a sulk.
MARVEL (TEAM CAPTAIN: THOR)
MAX: Since I have more experience with the Marvel comics, I'll take over for now. Starting out, flying onto the field is easily the greatest blasphemy among the competitors, Thor! He's waving his hammer and the audience is cheering and wondering if they should worship.
AMBER: He is a god...but then again, he's one of the comic kingdom's 'kinda gods, but not really god, gods'.
MAX: Yeah, I think they're safe. Next is both Spiderman and Daredevil swinging in simultaneously, and I question their choice of including both these heroes on the team.
AMBER: Because their powers are so similar?
MAX: No, Spiderman's just kind of lame. Anyway, next is...WHOA!
HULK: HULK SMASH!
MAX: DEAR GOD!
AMBER: WOW! For those listening, the Incredible Hulk has lifted Max over his head and is now twirling like a baton! I see the Marvel team has decided to go with the stupid, ultra-destructive green Hulk, instead of the super-lame grey Hulk. You okay Max?
MAX: Yeah...apparently he had trouble finding a space, and apparently I accidentally took up two spaces with mine. We worked out our differences though.
AMBER: How so?
Max: I begged him until he allowed me to move my car.
AMBER: Good job.
MAX: NEVER MIND THAT! Here comes She Hulk! WOWAWOWAZOWA!
AMBER: Hmm...she's not that powerful.
MAX: I don't know, she came back from the dead a lot faster than three days, and she's strong, tough, smart and beautiful. I'd propose right now, but I probably wouldn't survive three issues.
AMBER: Yeah, boyfriends/girlfriends of superheroes tend not to live long.
MAX: That and the wedding night would probably put me in traction. The honeymoon would certainly finish me off.
AMBER: Way too much information and the Invisible Woman is out next!
MAX: Fully visible and sporting a 50's mom haircut, the Invisible Woman is the only member of the Fantastic Four to make the team. Hmm...so far the Marvel team is looking a little underpowered compared to...WAIT! I spoke too soon! Here comes Phoenix, being led by the rest of the X-Men team, who are just here to make sure she doesn't get out of control.
AMBER: So it's Jean Grey?
MAX: Nope, this is the ultra powered and out of control psychic monster that replaced Jean Grey with a clone...or some crap like that, even I can't keep track. It looks like Iceman and Wolverine are staying next to her and joining the competition...wait, is Cyclops staying as well...no, he's being booed off by the crowd.
AMBER: Good for them. Wolverine's an odd choice for a blasphemy challenge, isn't he?
MAX: I don't know. If he can beat Lobo...
AMBER: Off panel.
MAX: ...yes, off panel, but nevertheless in less than half a page, then he's probably capable of anything. Oh and although Storm isn't competing here today, she is letting her presence be known as she taunts Wonder Woman over the last fight they had. The judges are breaking it up and Wonder Woman's teammates are holding her back. Save it for the competition folks! Iron Man is up next flying down in his officially licenced 'techno-babble suit' and is a fairly decent blasphemy in himself.
AMBER: The lame shall walk?
MAX: You got it! Last by not least, he may have to settle for third for overall inherent blasphemy in this competition, but he certainly tries harder! Here comes Dr. Strange! No power from an ancient god, Dr. Strange is a selfmade man who delved completely into the dark side to...fight evil!
AMBER: Does that work?
MAX: Marvelously! On with the competition!
EVENT #1: SPONTANEOUS CREATION OF LIGHT
AMBER: The first, and arguably the most impressive of the miracles, the teams are going to have to create light from out of thin air.
MAX: I see that the DC is wasting no time in fielding Wonder Woman...just to be clear, each member of each team can only participate in ONE event. Each event will have a winner, and the team that wins the most events wins the competition!
AMBER: Huh. Marvel is fielding the invisible woman. Unless she whips out one of her husbands inventions, I don't know how she's going to pull this one off. Okay...whe won the coin flip, and she...disappears. She just turned invisible.
INVISIBLE WOMAN: Behold! Where my body was, is now light!
AMBER: Oh that's lame.
MAX: The judges agree, but it looks like they're going to allow it, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Well now Wonder Woman is coming up. She just needs to beat that, but unless she plans to use the glow from her magic rope, I don't see how...
AMBER: Wait, she appears to be taking out a cell phone. She's hit one of her speed dial buttons.
MAX: What's going on...OH MY GOD!
APOLLO: Hey, what's up?
MAX: MY GOD! It's the god! Specifically, Apollo, Greek god of the sun!
AMBER: The invisible woman is arguing that it doesn't count, but the judges disagree. I mean, if having gods on your speed dial isn't a power, then what is...oh my.
MAX: Here comes the light! Wow that's bright.
AMBER: Yes and the judges waste no time in awarding round one of the blasphemy challenge to DC! On with the lepers!
EVENT #2: Cure the Lepers
MAX: Oh now this is just gross.
AMBER: Indeed! We didn't bring any old 'just found out they had leprosy' lepers. Oh no, these are the leakiest, gooiest, stumpiest lepers that money can buy! Only the best for our champions to cure!
MAX: I'm going to hurl.
AMBER: Not on me.
MAX: I'll try...and here comes Batman! The crowd goes wild as the dark knight takes the field. I question DC's choice in using such big name heroes so soon. They're going to have none left!
AMBER: It's not as questionable as sending the Incredible Hulk in. Unless he's going to pound the leprosy out of them, I don't know how this will work.
MAX: Well we might as well keep on him. Batman is taking a sample of the leper's blood, hair, tissue...wait, it looks like he's decided to take an entire leper as a sample. He's putting the leper in a zip-lock bag and bringing him back to the Batcave.
AMBER: We'll see more from him in a moment. Ah! The Hulk is setting up equipment as Dr. Banner. I see! He's going to do a blood transfusion from himself to the leper.
MAX: Samson style?
AMBER: Exactly...yes, the transfusion is going well and...yes, they just kicked the leper in the nuts. Just to get the green going.
MAX: There he goes! The leper is gaining the strength of a thousand lepers! He's big, he's green and...he still has no limbs. He's just kind of flopping around there...with the might of a thousand men.
AMBER: It is good flopping. It's not much, but it's something, so Batman will have to...
BATMAN: I'm back.
MAX: WHOA! He Gordoned me!
AMBER: That's nice. So Batman, what's the verdict? Did you find a cure?
AMBER: So leprosy is now cured.
BATMAN: How many ways can I say yes? That's not all though...it turns out that leprosy was caused by none other than...THE JOKER!
MAX: Oh come on. Leprosy has been around for thousands of years.
BATMAN: It's a reverse virus, meaning that it goes backwards through time! The Joker actually made the virus for tonight...but your leper out there should know all about that!
JOKER: That's right! It's me! It's all a part of my master MAD scheme to gain the strength of the Hulk! I'd take off my mask to reveal my harlequin smile, but...I have no arms!
BATMAN: Wait, so you invented leprosy, spread leprosy backwards through time and then gave yourself leprosy, all so you could gain the power of the Hulk at this competition after losing your limbs?
JOKER: INDEED! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
BATMAN: ...You're retarded.
AMBER: And there you have it folks! As the Joker rolls in Bruce's general direction, the scoreboard lights up 2-0, DC leading!
EVENT #3: CREATE A ROCK SO LARGE THAT YOU CANNOT LIFT IT
MAX: Okay, this one isn't from the bible, but a classic God-related question. To simplify, if God is all-powerful, can he circumvent his own power? If he can, can he truly be all powerful if he...
MAX: You want to get to the superheroes, don't you?
AMBER: ZZZ...And they take the field! Up first is Iceman from the Marvel team...this event shouldn't be too hard for him. Yes, he is now creating a giant ice block about the relative size of a bank...and there he goes comically pushing and pulling at it. Oh Bobby, you're such a kidder!
MAX: Wait, can't he make a crane out of ice or something?
AMBER: No, none of that Wonder Twins crap. He can create ice, but there's no way he's going to be able to move it.
MAX: God could really take lessons from this guy.
AMBER: Indeed! Now here comes the Green Lantern.
MAX: He's creating a giant green block about the size of Bobby's. Okay, but with the power of the lantern ring I don't see why he can't just...wait, what's going on down there?
AMBER: He's shrugging and waving his arms...oh come on! Hal is claiming to have lost the ring!
MAX: Oh man, that's lame!
AMBER: Well this is Hal, he was never big on ideas...and now he's trying to move the green rock and failing, but the judges are waving their arms and throwing the yellow flags...oh no!
MAX: HE JUST TOOK A YELLOW FLAG TO THE FACE! He is down and writhing! The ring has 'miraculously' reappeared on his finger, but...No! He is powerless before that yellow bastard.
AMBER: I'd like to support DC here, but this is just sad. Marvel takes the event and narrows DC's lead to 2-1!
EVENT #4: USE A LITTLE BIT OF FOOD TO FEED A LOT OF PEOPLE
MAX: Did you spot the Sin City reference?
AMBER: Unfortunately. Now we’ve dispensed with some of the older biblical themes here at these events, so instead of fish, bread and an audience being preached to, we’ve got two medium sized pizzas and an entire comic book convention.
MAX: Okay, we’ve split the convention into two groups…we seem to have some trouble. AMBER: Hey! Get away from my mike!
FANBOY: THIS IS COMPLETELY NOT CANON! THERE IS NO WAY THE GREEN LANTERN WOULD LOSE TO ICEMAN! WONDERWOMAN DOESN’T CALL GODS ON CELL PHONES! THIS IS A COMPLETE WORK OF FICTION!!!
MAX: Ah, Amber just hit him with the beanbag gun. Thanks Amby!
AMBER: No problem! Now that we’ve taken care of that, we go see our competitors. I see that DC is fielding Robin. I don’t know exactly how he’s going to accomplish this.
MAX: It can’t be stranger than Marvel’s choice. They’re fielding Wolverine for this.
MAX: Don’t ask me…so far he’s just making eyes with some of the lovely ladies in costume. Robin on the other hand is taking a more conventional approach. He’s starting by cutting the pizza up into VERY tiny pieces…did Batman have an enlargement gun or something?
AMBER: No, that’s Reed Richards crap. He appears to just be serving the miniscule pieces to each of the geeks. The judges are coming over to see what he’s doing.
ROBIN: Oh come now, these are comic book fans! Do they really look like they need to eat any more than this? I’m doing them a favor by giving them these tiny pieces!
MAX: He has a point, each of these boys easily matches their muscle and bone weight with fat.
AMBER: Yes, but there’s a few people…mostly girls in costumes, who could use a sammich or two. The judges aren’t so sure, but just look at the Boy Wonder flash that charming, confident smile. Yes, now the judges are smiling back and so we’ll have to see how Logan…DEAR GOD WHAT HAPPENED?
MAX: Ssssorry I was quiet there for a pit. I was nearly terrified into a coma. The carnage…the carnage…Anyhoo, it appears that Logan has solved this Biblical dilemma by culling the herd, if you will, and with a shnickt shnickt, has left only a handful of surviviors…the girls in fact.
AMBER: My god! There were like fifty people…and only the five girls remain…yeah, forty five guys and five girls, that sounds right for a comic convention. They seem understandably hesitant, but Logan’s turning on the charm, lighting a cigar and showing them to the pizza…yeah they’re only having a slice each…the one dressed as Rogue is only taking half a slice. What’s that?
MAX: A keg of beer. I have no clue where he got it, but the girls are having some and…yes, they’re all going back to the dressing room to celebrate Marvel’s win! Robin did it, but Wolverine did it better and the score is tied 2-2!
(to be continued...)