Saturday, December 22, 2007

Substance Happens Part 2

I found out I was wrong (thankfully). The blue alien girls in Mass Effect don't have a...ahem...two for one deal. Instead, it's more like Kiff in Futurama. The blue alien girls fall in love, mate, and while mating they link minds with the other person. From this other person, they copy their mind and personality into themselves, and then subsequently place it into a child they give birth to, asexually.

Long story short, they simply clone themselves, asexually, but place aspects of their mate's personality and mind into their child. This means they can mate with literally any sentient creature. It's personalities that are getting passed on, not genes. This also explains why all the blue alien girls look alike. They're literally the same set of genes, cloned over and over.

Wait, this also means that they're a geeks dream! All they care about IS personality!

Oh well, we can dream. ^_^

Here we go, part two:

1. Despite your odd previous adventures, you now find yourself with at least two, that's right two hours of non-stop side-questing. You need to prove Saren framed you, and then infiltrate...I mean legitimately join the Specters, which are basically the alien council's personal FBI/CIA/GOON-SQUAD. So, what's your plan?

Go to the strip club? (Go to 2)
Get thrown off the case? (Go to 3)
Plan? (Go to 4)

2. A strip club. How unbelievably necessary. Despite the promise of lewd encounters, you can't help but suspect that the entire place was designed by some guy at a computer that not only hasn't ever been to a strip club, but has never even touched a woman either. The blue alien girls writhe around, but they couldn't be less sexy if they tried. A bald, middle aged guy is trying to get your attention. Do you:

Talk to him (Go to 5)
Shoot him in the head (Go to 6)

3. You're no fool. There's no way of solving the case without first getting thrown off it! Unfortunately, you aren't actually on the case...but you know a guy who was! Was he thrown off the case, and told not to go any further? You bet he was! We've found our guy! Where are you going to look for an off duty cop?

Strip club? (Go to 2)
Police headquarters? (Go to 7)
Randomly shoot aliens, hope he's one of the cops that shows up? (Go to 6)

4. You mean you don't have a plan? Well that's great! You know how long they spent making this gigantic, non-linear, space opera? You're really waltzing through it without a clue?! Fine, go to the markets or something. See if I care.

Go to the markets? (go to 8)
Something? (go to 7)
See if Max cares? (go to 9)

5. He's an old, drunk, and charmless corrupt cop. There's no rational reason he's still alive. You recommend suicide, but to no avail. Instead, he drops a clue that your Captain was...GASP! DUN DUN DUN!

Gasp? (go to 10)
Dun Dun Dun? (go to 11)

6. It turns out you can't kill non-villains. Frustrated, you decide to play 'Fable' for a while, instead, and wipe cities clean of life. Good times. THE END

7. After slogging through a few random alien 'could you check up on this guy' quests, you watch an awesome dinosaur guy verbally smack around a cop. He wants you to help him murder a guy who is withholding evidence for the case. Is this guy in?

He's in. (Go to 12)
He's so in. (Go to 13)

8. Holy shit, everything's really fricking expensive. All you can buy is the right to buy more types of items. Of course, you can pawn 90% of your stuff just to get a single gun...

Let's do that (go to 14)
Let's not do that (go to 15)
Shoot the vendor, grab all the merchandise, fly to the planet Mexico (go to 6)

9. I do, I was bluffing. Have some cheesecake and go back to 4.

10. He and the villain have a history! Not that kind of history, the kind you get thrown out of the army and boy scouts for, but the other kind, where the villain once royally screwed him! Not that kind of royally screwed him, the kind you get thrown out of the army and boy scouts for, but...oh never mind. You also find out where to find the renegade lizard cop. (Go to 16).

11.George, George, George of the jungle, friend to you and me! AAAYYAAAA! AAAYYYYYAAAA! Watch out for that tree!

Watch out for the tree (go to 17)
Too young to get the reference (go to 18)

12. Of course he is! Give the man a shotgun and go to 19

13. Now that sounds a little weird. Easy does it, sailor. Give the man an assault rifle, and go to 19.

14. Sounds good to me! Screw your horribly equipped teammates! You now have a big fricking gun! Unless of course, you're a class besides Solider. In that case you just lost everything. What, are you going to cry about it?

No (go to 15)
Yes (go to 20)

15. You're going to need some extra help. Where to?

Police station (go to 7)
Strip club (go to 2)

16. You find the renegade lizard cop in the hospital, stealing your thunder. He caps a bad guy in the head, saves a hostage, and wants in. Is he in?

Yes (go to 21)
No (go to 22)

17. Whew! Close call! Go to 10.

18. Dang fangled teenagers. Back in my day we didn't have anime! We watched serialized cartoons about retarded animals, guys in high school mascot outfits, and ridiculously ineffective super teams! They weren't used to sell video and card games, either! They were used to sell toys! THE END FOR NO APPARENT REASON

19. Do you have both aliens?

Yes (go to 23)
Not the renegade ex-cop (go to 2)
Not the awesome Krogan (go to 7)

20. They hand you around prison like a collection plate. I don't know how you got in prison, or what that has to do with Mass Effect, but I heard the line yesterday, and wanted to use it. Sorry about that. Try and walk it off. THE END

21. Good! Give him a sniper rifle and let the iguanaman stand in front. (go to 19)

22. Eh, fuck him...and not that kind of fuck him, the kind you get kicked out of the army and boy scouts for...on second thought, that joke is getting old. Better give him a sniper rifle and bring him along. (go to 19)

23. Okay! It's time to go to the strip club and kill everyone. Do you:

Go to the strip club and kill every other person? (go to 24)
Go to the peaceful alien embassies and kill everyone? (go to 25)
Go to the peaceful alien embassies and kill every other person? (go to 26)
Go to the strip club and kill everyone? (go to 27)

24. You get your ass handed to you by the guards, and not that type of ass handed to you, the kind you get kicked out of the army and boy scouts for. Last time, I promise. THE END

25. Why you chowder-head! I know your heart was in the right place, but you forgot who you were killing again! Things get a little tense at the human embassy after that, but your boss assures you that everything's going to be fine, and if you would just look that way for a moment, he'll tell you about the rabbits again. THE END

26. Despite your assurance that it was technically a better choice than #25, your boss still puts you down, John Steinbeck style. THE END

27. Enough with the high school literary references! You kill absolutely everyone in a gleeful fit of mayhem, and have the chance to show a shred of mercy by sparing...

KABLAMO! (go to 28)
ZZZZZAP! (go to 28)

28. Fuck yeah! You step over their corpses and find the boss. After blowing up his annoying robot sentries, he tells you that you only have a few minutes to go save the techno-gypsy alien chick before she dies! Krogan offs him, which is hilarious, and you go to save her. This is it! It's now or never!

Now? (go to 29)
Never? (go to 30)

29. Yay! The assassins are dead, you saved the hot, yet untouchable, two-toed alien gypsy girl, and you have all the evidence you need to both discredit Sarek and join the intergalactic gestapo! Moseltov! Go to 31.

30. You douchebag. No cheesecake for you. THE END

31. You've made it! Wait, you missed 500 other small sidequests...well, better do them before moving on. You're going to have a lot of plot related encounters, and it just won't be the same unless you mercilessly crush them under the heel of your 50th level character's boot. Be sure to pick up your inter-stellar license to kill on the way back to your ship. From now on, the whole universe is your oyster, to shell, eat live, and then slowly digest! Congrats!


Saturday, December 01, 2007


What happened? What's going on?

I remember getting Mass Effect a week or two ago...and then everything after that is a blur. A very wonderful blur...

Well, apart from some of the 'choices' your character has to make. To demonstrate, here's an extremely short 'choose your own adventure' story. I'm only doing the Guy's version though, sorry Amber. Enjoy!

1. You're standing at the helm of the ship Normandy. You are [your name here] Shepard, the second in command of the vessel. Yes, like Riker, only without Troy...and you have to do something about that. No time now though, the commander is looking for you and he wants you to talk with an alien! Do you:

Agree and quickly go there like a good little boy? (go to passage 2)
Hit on the milf doctor? (go to 3)
Harass the disabled pilot (go to 4)?

2. The alien is waiting for you, and he's babbling, Matrix 2 style. Luckily, he's quickly interrupted by the deaths of thousands of people. Aliens are attacking the colony below, and the alien is going to judge your performance. Do you:

Heartily agree to do your job? (go to 6)
Whine about it like a bitch? (go to 6)

3. She's British and that's really damn hot. A quick check of the strategy guide unfortunately reveals that she's not a romantic choice. All you have is a girl with an ambiguous ethnicity, and a blue alien. Damn it. (go to 2)

4. "You can't walk and that's hilarious! Now shut up and earn that parking space, Mr. 'It's the future, but I'm still going to wear a baseball cap'." (go to 5)

5. Just kidding. Seth Green, you're awesome. Nice hat. (go to 2)

6. Either way (although whining makes you look like a wuss), you're now on the surface of the planet with a useless character that you're never going to include in the party again, and also...whoops, the third guy's already dead! Do you:

Interrupt the mission to make sure he gets a burial (go to 7)
Do something that isn't retarded (go to 8)

7. You make the proper funeral arrangements, and only a few dozen colonists are killed by aliens in the process. (go to 9)

8. Apparently that makes you evil. (go to 9)

9. The hot girl with the ambiguous ethnicity (half black? Spanish? Russian? Dark Italian?) arrives. She's hot, but stupid, and you can't help but notice she's trying REALLY hard to look pretty. Hell, her armor's pink, and it's designed so you can see the shape of her breasts. What the hell is the point in that? Amber thinks it's a storage pack for sandwiches, and I can't disprove that. Do you:

Pursue her as a love interest? (go to 10)
Wait for the alien chick? (go to 11)

10. Congratulations, you now have to act like a complete douchebag for the rest of the game (go to 12)

11. Nice choice! I bet she's hot. (go to 12)

12. ZOMBIES! Yes, Sci-fi zombies! You kill a hundred zombies and robots, and the good alien is killed by the main bad guy, but you don't actually see that. You were too distracted by all of the brainless colonists that are wandering around. Do you:

Kiss up to the ungrateful peasants? (go to 13)
Beat up the crazy guy? (go to 14)
Mercilessly extort everyone for profit? (go to 15)

13. Isn't it nice being a good boy? The survivors throw you a few trinkets and patiently wait for you to finish fighting all their battles for them. Even the stupid girl loses respect for you, and you soon resign in shame, left to do nothing besides a few guest spots for daytime television. Way to go, toolbag. THE END

14. BAM! Down he goes! Take that, mentally disabled person! Now all you have to do is push a blind man down some stairs, and your day is complete! (go to 16)

15. Why not? Whether through charm, or a gun pressed against their head, nothing's more profitable than intimidating the meek. As an afterthought, you supply your home address, so they can forward the world to you, should they ever inherit it. (go to 16)

16. You disable some bombs, yadda yadda yadda, and you get a vision of...*YAWN*, and before you know it, you've completely failed your mission. Well, shit. Pretty soon you're back at the main space station of the alien council. It's like a cross between the United Nations, the Mall of America, and a brothel. It's beyond awesome! Do you:

Do all the sidequests? (go to 17)
Go straight to the main plot? (go to 18)
Visit the brothel (go to 19)

17. No you don't. (go to 19)

18. You're not fooling anyone. (go to 19)

19. After a quick sidequest, you've got a very thankful and gorgeous blue alien girl ready to 'reward you for your services'. Are you:

Uninterested? (go to 20)
Already naked? (go to 21)

20. Amazingly, you get some very helpful information and a nice quest item. As an added bonus, you avoid inter-stellar chlamydia. Moseltov! Don't worry, there's an alien girl you can hook up with later who HASN'T slept with everything on the space station (including the cyber-dwarves, frog snobs, and half-elephants). Trust me, you don't want the details. (go to 24)

21. A wiser man may have wondered why they've never seen a male member of the blue alien race. Although the guide is vague, it's clear that there is only one gender of the blue alien race...and I think you can see where this is going. Although details are sketchy, apparently they are capable of MATING (not simply sex or screwing around, but full blown MATING), with BOTH men and women. She takes off her shirt, which is very nice, and then drops her pants. The theme from 'The Crying Game' plays in the background. Do you:

Run from the room, screaming? (go to 22)
Sleep with her anyway? (go to 23)

22. Your drinking buddies don't believe you, and frankly, neither do I. Have a few more beers and then tell us what really happened. (go to 23)

23. It's okay, we won't tell. Besides, you can know...not go near that part of her body. She's still really hot...and lord knows Kirk would do it! You decide that if Captain Kirk would sleep with a blue alien hermaphrodite, then it can't be gay. You get inter-stellar chlamydia, and then leave. (go to 24)

24. You've finally made it to the real substance of the story! Enough with these pointless plot points, characters and backstory, IT'S TIME FOR SIDEQUESTS!

(End Part 1)