Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Max Freeman

Patriot, Visionary, and Inventor of Ham

In honor of Max Freeman's birthday, we will be taking a break from the challenges to list the author of this blog's greatest accomplishments, year by year, each coincidentally occurring upon his birthday.


Moments after being born, a Doctor smacked Max several times on the bottom. Regardless, the young spy refused to tell him anything.


Began walking and talking, inventing both.


Successfully brought down a very small portion of the Berlin Wall, for round about 2 minutes.


Led one lightsaber wielding action figure to victory in the battle of 'kill all the other action figures'.


Drank his first and last beer.


Ended slavery in Texas, forcing his family to flee to the northeast.


Successfully infiltrated the school system, using the cover name 'Robert'.


Invented ham.


Played as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots at superbowl XX, leading them to a glorious 846-10 loss.


Successfully pre-venged the death of his grandson.


Endorses Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign.


Uses the force to choke Michael Dukakis to death.


Invents pork roll. Literally dozens are thrilled.


Max ends the Gulf war through the power of song. UN officials estimate deaths in the mid 10,000's.


Listens to his first Aerosmith song. Doesn't care for it.


Scientifically proves, using 'Freeman's theorem' that the Dallas Cowboys are the most awesome thing on Earth.


Creates masterful plan to solve all of America's agriculture problems, and would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.


Freeman's theorem is officially disproved.


Travels back in time, to take year off before college.


Invents the ham, pork roll, and ketchup sandwich. No one notices until 2006.


Achieves the record for longest time spent trying to get a specific girl in the sack. Surrenders after 11 months, 26 days of trying.


Partied like it was the year it was.


Discovers internet porn. Is not heard from again until 2001.


Changes control of the Senate from 'Republican' to 'Democrat' by slapping it.


Invents a new word (Collinguinistical) and spends year trying to think up a definition that isn't dirty. Eventually settles upon: 'somewhat nifty'.


Personally ends the Phnom Penh riots by doing what no one else could: pronouncing its name correctly.


Sets the 'wayback' machine for 1806.


Successfully finds Lewis and Clark, and leads them back home, only to find that all his Superman jokes just go over their heads. Is inconsolable until 1808.


Weren't you listening? I said he was inconsolable!


Bamboozles the Colonies into repatriating back to England, and celebrates by stomping on a bunch of butterflies.


Set wayback machine for 2006.


Realizes he missed a year. Declares 'Fuck it'.


Not much really. Mostly bummed around on the internet, updating his blog. He did kill a few vampires...but otherwise, pretty much a normal year.


Fails to break world record for 'longest time spent trying to get a girl into the sack'. Regardless, he doesn't seem to mind that much.


Ends war on terror through use of hypnosis. The subsequent 'clucking like a chicken' and 'naked in front of the audience' epidemics expected to be cured within the year.

MAX FREEMAN: Hero, Revolutionary, and fictional Charles Dickens character.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Still 30

I'm not quite 31 yet, and needless to say, I'm going down kicking and screaming.

Anyone, on to more challenges, and this week they're mostly food related:

CHALLENGE #18: Eat a plate of Buffalo Wings

This challenge downright baffles my sister, Amber. She asks, her voice filled with honest confusion, "What don't you like about Buffalo Wings?"

First of all, I have absolutely nothing against honey BBQ wing, Asian style wings, or plain. No, my problem is with the 'buffalo' variety only. Why? Why wouldn't I?

The plate arrives, and Amber assures me they're 'typical' buffalo wings, neither better nor worse than average. I take a bite, and immediately, the sour and oily sauce assaults my tongue like the winner of a 30 second UFC match.

It isn't...awful, I guess, but overpowering, and with a terrible texture that no meat was meant to have. Worse yet, they never cook them enough, always bringing them out lukewarm.

Also, what the hell's with the blue cheese, celery, and carrots? What does that have to do with anything? Am I really supposed to mix blue cheese with the sour vinegar sauce? Somehow, I'm not convinced. Perhaps it's a religious obligation, or just for the Feng Shui of the plate.

Anyway, I eat them, and they're not disgusting, but Lord, I can't understand why people pay out the nose for undercooked, vinegar soaked chicken legs and wings. To me, they're a slap to the face. Some might be light and well executed slaps to the face, but I still don't see why anyone pays for them.

CHALLENGE #19: Down a shot of Piracetam

There's a fight going on online, between the 'pill' and 'drink' Piracetam factions. For those who don't know, Piracetam is a nutritional supplement that, unlike all other nutritional supplements, actually works. It increases blood flow to the brain without all the troubling financial and legal issues of crystal Meth. I highly recommend it.

The disagreement online is regarding the proper way to take it: by pill or mixed with water. Either technically works fine, and no better than the other way, but whereas I've always taken it by pill, some people complain that there's no reason to go through the trouble of encapsulating (your $10 word for the day) them, and it's just a pointless hassle.

Why encapsulate ($20 and counting)? The pill users counter: "It tastes terrible!"

The way they describe it, you'd think it was a mixture of pickle juice, sewage, diet Red Bull, and Piracetam (yes, it loops).

I made myself a batch mixed with water, and Amber directed me to the sink. I could always just toss it, but there's a special rung of hell reserved for people who waste good drugs. Since I might be rapping on the gates shortly...


Oh, you fricking whiners. That wasn't bad at all! I'm honestly disappointed. I guess if all you consume is Doritos and Mountain Dew, then yes it'd seem unbearable. As a person with a variety of tastes and culinary ($5 word, and we're up to $25) experiences, it wasn't bad at all. It's nothing like wasabi, or...

CHALLENGE #20: Eat some olives

That's what I get for ordering a salad in an Italian restaurant.

I force a smile and put a black olive in my mouth.



I pray for rescue, but to no avail. I consider dialing 911, but I don't want to open my mouth, fearing I might not be able to keep it down.

Do people seriously eat this willingly? Even pay money for this?! I pity the Romans, who had little else, because it went neck and neck with the wasabi. I down a few more, chewing along the way, or else it doesn't really count.

I swear to God, you do not want to know the images that went through my head. The nicest and most family friendly of them is a purple squid, delivered to my tongue raw.

How could olive oil, a rather innocuous ($35) and subtle liquid come from something so vile, so unholy, and so...olivey?

A pox upon olive growers, people who order olives on pizzas, and anyone who serves them the only way they could possibly be worse: without the pits removed.


This is it!

The moment has come for me to reveal the WORST JOKE EVER!

CHALLENGE #21: Recall 101 times the worst joke ever was used

Someone farts.

That's it.

That's the worst joke ever. It occurs in movies, TV shows, books, and even video games on a nearly neverending basis, yet the joke never changes.

I know it started with Blazing Saddles, a favorite movie from my childhood, but I don't really blame them. Mel Brooks was bound to hit the joke eventually, and didn't reuse it often in most of hit movies.

No, I blame 'The Lion King'. That's the moment it became a 'kid-friendly' joke, and suddenly, we have every other joke in each kid movie be a fart joke. You know, Walt Disney himself hated kids shows/movies that were willing to do 'anything' for a laugh. He believed in clean wholesome humor, and never resorted to anything like a fart joke.

So if the dead eventually rise, I have a word of advice to Michael Eisner: start running. In fact, start running now.

With that floodgate opened, the fart jokes filled both the TV and airwaves, and the world was never quite the same. as a challenge, I'm going to recount 101 fart jokes, counting movies, TV, books, and videogames. Feel free to stop reading if you get too depressed to continue. I certainly understand...

1. Lion King
2. Blazing Saddles
3. George of the Jungle
4. Toy Story 2
5. Austin Powers 1
6. Austin Powers 2
7. Austin Powers 3
8. Master of Disguise
9. In Living Color
10. Scary Movie
11. Not Another Teen Movie
12. Star Wars Episode I
13. Wild Cats
14. Family Dog
15. Police Academy 5
16. Family Guy
17. Robin Hood Men in Tights
18. Who’s Line is it Anyway
19. Freakizoid (but more tasteful than most)
20. Curse of Fatal Death
21. That’s My Bush
22. Southpark
23. Ren and Stimpy
24. Naked Gun
25. Hot Shots 2
26. Road Trip
27. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
28. Chappelle Show
29. Lust in the Dust
30. Mystery Men
31. Who’s Your Caddy
32. Brain Donors
33. American Dad
34. Jerky Boyz the Movie
35. Tom Goes to the Mayor
36. Brak Show
37. Monty Python
38. Shrek
39. Robot Chicken
40. Dumb and Dumber
41. Muppets take Manhattan
42. MST3K the Movie
43. MST3K the TV show
44. Futurama
45. Simpsons
46. Catcher in the Rye
47. Canterbury Tales
48. Kids in the Hall
49. Liar Liar
50. Private Parts
51. Metalocalypse
52. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
53. Nutty Professor (Eddie Murphy remake)
54. Spawn (movie)
55. Shrek 2
56. Shaun of the Dead
57. Duckman
58. MXC
59. Powerpuff Girls (TV show)
60. Red Dwarf
61. Salute Your Shorts
62. Airplane
63. 3rd Rock from the Sun
64. Sealab 2021
65. Gladiator
66. Swimming to Cambodia
67. Goonies
68. Fairy God Parents
69. The Mask
70. Little Shop of Horrors (original, deleted ending)
71. Southpark Movie
72. Duece Bigelow
73. Venture Brothers
74. Assy McGee
75. Shin Chan
76. Waiting for Guffman
77. Daily Show
78. Mythbusters
79. Flesh Gordon 2
80. Scary Movie 3
81. Dogma
82. Toxic Avenger
83. Beavis and Butthead show
84. Toxic Avenger 4
85. Beavis and Butthead do America (movie)
86. Help
87. Pee Wee’s Playhouse
88. Abe’s Odyssey
89. Abe’s Exodus
90. Much’s Odyssey
91. Booger Man
92. Sam and Max (game)
93. Fable
94. Fable 2
95. Ace Ventura 2
96. Back to School
97. Howard Stern Show
98. Good Eats
99. Jiminy Glick
100. WWF/WWE
101. G Force (seriously Eisner, I wouldn't even stop to pack before running)