Thursday, May 04, 2017

The REAL Suicide Squad

A far more complete answer, and more interesting one, is what order do they all die in?

Let's take a classic story, done many times, where literally every character in it dies.  I'm thinking Agatha Christie's 'And Then There Were None'.  

Okay, to get to a full 10 cast, let's expand it to:

1 Kenny

1 Sean Bean

1 Mrs. Seagal

2 Red Shirts (need more women in the cast, so they'll be two female red shirts: Ensign Vicks & Ensign Wedge)

2 Black Guys (Both played by Mykelti Williamson, as both Bubba from Forrest Gump, and Baby-O from Con Air, voted most likely to be near-death in a white protagonist's arms 1994-1997)

3 Orcs (named Shemp, Shemp, & Shemp)

Okay!  Let's get this rolling!

10 people invited to strange mansion on an island, no one sees anything weird or suspicious about it, blah, blah, blah.

Host is absent, but dinner is prepared.  They sit down to eat when a mysterious voice echoes from a record player, accusing each person guilty of causing a death.

Then, someone dies from drinking poison!  Sounds like a red shirt death to me.

"One choked his little self and then there were nine"

So that answers the original question from the start.  A red shirt is most likely to die before we even find out anything significant about them.  We'll say it's Ens. Vicks.

The boat's gone, and there's no way to escape!  Oh well, let's all just individually go to bed in our rooms.  I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

"One overslept himself and then there were eight."

Poisoned while asleep, and discovered dead in bed?  Sounds like a Mrs. Steven Segal death to me.  He discovers the body, vows revenge and...visits a modern dictator or something, I don't know.  I don't watch those movies.

The cast continues to be strangely unconcerned with all of this, and just sort of mill about the mansion getting picked off, not even bothering to stay in groups.  Sounds like orcs to me.

"Only two murders, so nothing to worry about.  Do da do..."

So three in a row:

"One said he'd stay there and then there were seven."

Heavy blow to the head...doesn't exactly match the rhyme, but whatever.

"One chopped himself in halves and then there were six."

Died while chopping wood.  Okay, a bit more on topic.

"A bumblebee stung one and then there were five."

Poison needle.  I'll accept it.

So the foolish wandering Orcs are all dispatched, and now FINALLY, the survivors think to lock up the dangerous weapons.  One person's gun is missing, because when you're trapped on murder island, you LEAVE YOUR GUN LAYING AROUND.

This may not be as good a book as people remember.  This is 'Friday the 13th camp counselor' level survival skills.

Let's hide behind the chainsaws!

Okay, then a person's found shot in the head and pronounced dead...that's a little more gruesome than the others.  I'm gonna assume that one's Kenny.

"One got in chancery (was summoned to court) and then there were four."

That leaves Sean Bean, Bubba, Baby-O, and Miss Wedge.

They then split up again...seriously?  I guess so.  If the Walking Dead is any indication, modern movies/shows are going to start killing minorities off when they reach about 50% of the total remaining cast, so we'll say Bubba mysteriously disappears.  Could he be the murderer...?

Poisoning with shrimp, stabbing with shrimp, shooting...

Shortly afterwards, another person wanders off for no reason, which sounds like a 'red shirt' move to me, so there goes Miss Wedge, crushed by a giant bear-shaped clock.

"A big bear hugged one and then there were two."

Wait, two?!  That's right, it turned out Bubba was killed earlier, and then found drowned!

"A red herring swallowed one and then there were three."

I'm going to assume he lives for a few more seconds, just to die in Sean Bean's arms.

This makes Sean Bean the aforementioned white protagonist, who knows he's not the killer, so he shoots Baby-O.

"One got frizzled up and then there was one."

Nic Cage isn't here to protect you now!

And then Sean Bean, overcome with guilt and grief, walks into the house and hangs himself, with the noose suspiciously prepared for him.

"He went out and hanged himself and then there were none."

So who was the true killer?


You bastard!

Yes, he faked dying, which means the doctor character REALLY sucked at telling if someone was alive or dead.  All he'd have to do was inspect the bullet wound a little bit, or check extra carefully for a pulse, and the plan wouldn't have worked.  

Regardless, he then commits suicide for real after writing down his deeds in a journal, and then there was truly none.

Honestly, looking back, "And Then There Were None" was pretty convoluted.

Or, going by the original title of the book:

NOTE: Stop reading if you want to keep thinking of Agatha Christie in a nice way.

Wait, what?!  

Seriously!  I went to the wiki, expecting '10 Little Indians' to be the original title, but apparently even THAT was a cleaned up, more PC version of it.

Agatha Christie: "I don't know, it just doesn't have the same ring to it..."

What the hell is wrong with you, Agatha/England?!

I'm just going to assume that Agatha got drunk on box wine, and sent the original title in as a joke, but the publishers had to all look at it and say:

"Yes, that is a title a reasonable human being would give to a mystery novel.  I certainly don't need to have some deep introspection over this decision."

In fact, that gives me an idea for a reboot!

England, 1939

The 10 member of the Collins Crime Club publishing company all sat down for dinner, when the lights went out, and a mysterious voice began to speak from a record player...

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy "Worst Universe" Soundtrack Challenge

(You can listen to the entire playlist on youtube right here: click if you dare)

Can't wait for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2?  Congratulations! You've been successfully Voight Kamff'd.

Want to watch Baby Groot do something cute?  No?  (Deckard shoots them)

One of the best things I remember about the first Guardians of the Galaxy is how it mixed its classic 60's-70's soundtrack through it, adding a great retro-feel to the movie, while still presenting an exciting modern space adventure story.  It hit all the right buttons, and worked perfectly.  

Long story short: everyone loved it, and we now all own some sort of baby Groot toy.

Or several.

In a couple weeks, they will release the official soundtrack list for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and while we wait, a thought came to me:

What's the worst possible scenario?  

To make things interesting, let's stick with the same years of the songs in first soundtrack, use songs that were also popular in America at the time, and keep the same track order.  

In short, in some other poor alternate timeline, the following soundtrack will accompany Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

Imagine this:

You turn the soundtrack on, and instead of starting with "Hooked on a Feeling" by Blue Suede (which more than any other song in the album, would become synonymous with Guardians of the Galaxy), instead you're treated to:

Everyone, let's sing together!

"Oh, I don't know if I can take it!  Cause it took so long to bake it!  And I'll never have that recipe again!  Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Interesting trivia: Richard Harris was the original Dumbledore in the first two Harry Potter movies, until he tragically died, publicly executed for singing MacArthur Park.

Okay, you're woozy from the seven and a half minute song about bakery mishaps, but don't worry, you've made it to track 2:

Oh it's too late to back out now.  MUCH too late.

Put together, this 16 MINUTE long 1-2 punch combo is enough alone to drive listeners mad, but those that maintain their sanity will live to see track 3:

Many younger people may not know this one.  If so, you're missing out on some "grade C" preachy, whiny 60's folk rock, from a band that never accomplished anything ever again.

Afterwards, you're confused and dismayed, but the song's mercifully short, so perhaps you're slightly optimistic when you're hit by the Osmonds.

Yeah drink that in.

Then it's off to see K.C. and the Sunshine Band's, for "Shake Your Booty".

Yeah, I didn't know the lead singer was white, either.  Click the above link to check out a VERY awkward Soul Train episode.

The funky disco beat's very 'bottom of the barrel' continues with:

My personal theory is the lead singer actually knows how to sing, but as a form of protest, he adamantly refuses to.

Now halfway through the soundtrack, we've hit a lot of dance/disco, so let's slow down the mood a little with:

Now I'M beginning to feel nauseous, and I'm merely writing this.  

But wait!  It gets worse...

Okay, I have mixed feelings at first, because Carly Simon was GORGEOUS back then.  Surely nothing could change...







By now anyone with any sense or reason left within them have physically smashed their ipod to escape, but for those not so lucky we have:

Sadly we don't have time for parts 1 AND 2.  You'll have to settle for just chapter 1 of this epic tale.

The good news you've made it all the way to track 10, and instead of Escape (The Pina Colada song) by Rupert Holmes, you have to suffer through:

Just kidding. No escape.

The one misstep of the first Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack is they accidentally included one of the worst songs of the 1970's.  I know many will disagree, but I scoured the hits of 1979, and trust me, there isn't one worse.

No time to argue!  Something's wrong with those birds.  Are they coming closer...

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?  Honestly, this sounds more like a gypsy curse than a love song.

(Side note: The Carpenters would have made it into this list twice, also with "Please Mr. Postman" but I decided to keep it to one track per band, instead giving "Why Can't We Be Friends" their other spot.)

I wish this carnival of nightmares ended on something a bit more horrifying than the merely tepid and annoying:

Is it me, or does it sound like she's trying to pick up homeless drifters, and take them back to her place?

Is there any way that won't end with SOMEONE murdered?

Well, there you have it.  Somewhere, in another time, place, and/or dimension, some Marvel fan's listening to this playlist, in quiet anticipation for Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2.

Somewhere, they're enveloped in horror, with one thought echoing through the hollow recesses of what used to be their mind:

Well, at least it's better than Netflix's "Iron Fist".