Thursday, October 27, 2005


My apologies for the lateness class, but I accidentally lost the answers for last weeks test. It took a bit longer, but I did manage to get the answers to the personality test. Now, some of you may get the result asshole/lunatic, but don't get yourself worked up too much. Getting that result doesn't mean you're an asshole. It means you're an asshole OR a lunatic, so cheer up.

Also, you may only be that way when the disaster of a zombie attack occurs. You never know until it happens.

Now, for every answer, you get a point for one or more particular personality types, which will be either: panicked, asshole/lunatic (we'll refer to this as jerk just to be simple), defenseless, survivor, mad prophet, professional, withdrawn or bleeding heart.

In short, at the end the personality type that has the most points is your primary one, then the next is secondary and anything after that are just small aspects of your personality (although you can probably just ignore personality types that only got one point). One last thing: you cannot be both a survivor and a professional. You can believe you are (for question 4), but you either go by the book, or write your own book, you can't do both. We'll go over this a bit more at the end.

Question 1:

If you do nothing, or wait to see what happens: withdrawn, defenseless and panicked (either you're scared or you don't care).

If you take them aside to talk it over with them in private: mad prophet and bleeding heart (either you care about their privacy or you're a little crazy).

If you talk openly about it in front of the group: survivor and professional. (the most logical and wise thing to do)

Shoot them without hesitation: jerk (huh).

Question 2:

If you do nothing, or give a general wishy washy answer like, 'see what happens' or 'see what everyone else thinks': withdrawn, defenseless, panicked.

If you talk calmly about it with the group: professional and bleeding heart.

If you argue about it with the jerk, but don't attempt to replace them: mad prophet

If you argue about it with the jerk, and attempt to replace them: survivor, jerk

Question 3:

Most people are going to choose the cell phone and memento for two of their three items. It's unusual if they didn't, so for these two gain points as follows:

If you didn't choose the cell phone: mad prophet and withdrawn (you must be crazy)
If they didn't choose the memento: survivor and professional (you must be smart)

For the rest, gain the points for each item you chose:

Shotgun: Asshole (a second gun? do you really plan to kill them all?)

Extra Ammo: Survivor, Asshole, Professional (more sense than a second gun)

Keys: Panicked, Asshole (you had them when it all started, and they're YOURS)

First Aid Kit: Professional, Bleeding Heart, Defenseless (useful, but not as much as you might think).

Blanket: Defenseless, Survivor (keeps you dry and warm, and can be torn for bandages, which probably makes it a better choice than a first aid kit).

Food: Survivor, Withdrawn (something to munch on...and keep you alive. You can survive without bullets, but not without food).

Canteen: Professional, Bleeding Heart (Good to hold water, and a popular choice of caregivers and professionals, but do you know what else holds water? A soda bottle. Don't you think you'll run into at least one of these in your travels if you really need one?)

Lighter: Mad Prophet, Jerk, Panicked, Survivor (it might just be your favorite lighter, or perhaps you realize that fire might be usefull)

Mirror: Mad Prophet, Withdrawn, Panicked (grooming, are we?)

Flashlight: Defenseless, Survivor, Professional, Bleeding Heart (You probably shouldn't travel at night at all, but it's good to have...and popular among people who aren't planning to hold a gun, as anyone who plays Doom 3 knows, you can't hold a flashlight and fire a gun at the same time)

Grenade: Mad Prophet, Jerk (yeah, you'll show em)

Holy Symbol: Mad Prophet, Panicked, Defenseless, Bleeding Heart

Riot Shield: Defenseless, Bleeding Heart, Panicked (if they're that close....)

Knife: Professional, Jerk, Panicked (could be useful, but sharp edges aren't that hard to find)

Pepperspray: Bleeding heart, Panicked, Professional (mmmmight be useful...possibly...but more popular among people who won't kill, or had it with them anyway)

Deck of Cards: Withdrawn, Mad Prophet (again, you must be crazy...)

Whiskey: Withdrawn, Defenseless, Jerk (this is not the time to get drunk, unless you're not planning to make it out anyway. Oh, and no it's not really good for disinfecting, it's not alcoholic enough).

Lockpicks: Professional, Withdrawn (Why? Are you really going to need to pick that many locks? Bust a window open, it's the apocalypse for god's sake. Only overpracticed professionals and people who play too many video games would not consider kicking the door down an option)

Question 4:

Get one point for each answer, both first and secondary choice. If they chose:

Panicked: then you're a jerk. Jerk's don't want to take responsibility for what they do, and it's easy to just say they panicked and it isn't their fault.

Jerk: then you're a bleeding heart. Only bleeding heart's think that they're bad.

Survivor: then you're a survivor. (Half of it's mentality)

Professional: then you're a professional. (Ditto)

Defenseless: then you're a defenseless. (Unfortunately, ditto)

Mad Prophet: then you're a withdrawn. (See next answer)

Withdrawn: then you're a mad propet. (It was once said that the ancient philosopher Socrates was the wisest man of his time, and he knew it was true, because he knew that he was a fool. Ironically, withdrawn people tend to think that they're philosophers and the mad prophets tend to think that they themselves are reclusive fools).

Bleeding Heart: then you're a panicked. (The average person thinks that they're generally a good person overall, and the average person also panicks like a frightened child).

Question 5:

No fair trying to give more than one answer. Choose what you PRIMARILY do, and gain a point in each:

If you fight to the bitter end: Professional, Survivor, Jerk, Mad Prophet (for the group, glory or just to take those bastards down with you!)

If you sacfice yourself for the group: Bleeding Heart, Professional, Mad Prophet, Withdrawn (for the moody, martyr set)

If you give a wishy washy answer that doesn't really answer the question: withdrawn, panicked, defenseless

If you run towards the group for help: Jerk, Panicked (thanks, thanks a lot)

If you run away from the group: Panicked, Survivor, Bleeding Heart (Good luck!)

If you call for help: Defenseless, Jerk, Panicked (again, thanks for drawing attention to us)

Time to tally up your score! Here's mine, for exampe:

Q1: I'd talk about it openly: Survivor, Professional
Q2: I'd talk about it calmly with the group: Professional, Bleeding Heart
Q3: Cell Phone, Flashlight, Food: Survivor (twice), Withdrawn, Defenseless, Professional, Bleeding Heart
Q4: Survivor first, Bleeding Heart second: survivor, panicked
Q5: Sacrifice myself (though I'm ashamed to admit it, it feels so whiny, but there you go): Bleeding Heart, Professional, Mad Prophet, Withdrawn

Final Score:

Survivor: 4
Professional: 4
Bleeding Heart: 3
Withdrawn: 2
Defenseless: 1
Panicked: 1
Mad Prophet: 1

Drop the one's, and judge which is more appropriate, survivor or professional. I'd say withdrawn is the trait of a survivor, so I'll lean that way. That leaves us:

Survivor: 4
Bleeding Heart: 3
Withdrawn: 2

I'm primarily a survivor, and a bleeding heart second, but I can be withdrawn every now and then. I'm essentially the sidekick. I'm a survivor with a good heart, but I don't talk as much as the main character.

Try to keep it to only three main personality types as your result, otherwise it gets confusing. Don't fret if you're primarily one thing and have a lot of little things as well, just consider yourself the primary personality type. Have more than three personality types and they're close to eachother in score? Drop the results of question 4. Still? Question 2 as well. STILL?! Question 1 on top of that. STILL?!!! Then you're panicked. You just don't have a solid plan at all.

Whew! Again, quite a bit. So, today's lesson will be a short one on pets.

Your pets and the zombie apocalypse.

Your pets are not going to survive.


Don't be foolish and try to run out after them if they run out into the zombie filled city, as you'll just die too.

I know, you love your pet, but remember:

Pets are loud.

Pets need food.

Pets are unpredictable.

Pets can turn into zombies as well.

Pets don't know to run from a zombie.

Pets take up space.

Pets panic more easily then people.

Pets don't have complicated emotions.

Pets are stupid.

Give these traits to a person, and ask yourself: would you travel with a person like that? Do the pooch a favor and drop them off in the woods somewhere. They'll have a much better chance of living than you will.

Now, some pets have practical uses. Some don't. Here's some examples:

Pet Birds: No practical use. Let them fly off, they'll most likely make it.

Pet rodents, including gerbils, hamsters and rabbits: No practical use. Ditch.

Cats: Not dangerous enough for defense and they need meat. Only real use is their ability to see well in the dark, but they aren't guard dogs. They might just slink off rather than give warning. Leave in the woods somewhere, they'd do the same or worse to you if the situation was reversed.

Dogs: Almost useful enough to have with, but these aren't terminators you're fighting. A person can warn you of attacks just as well, and they'll know when to be quiet, can use a gun, and won't eat that much more food. Unless you're blind, leave this one in the woods.

Horse: If you're serious about using a horse, and know how to shoe, feed and care for a horse, then it might be a decent alternative to a car. Cars, however, can't be eaten by zombies. Horses, however, can eat grass, and gas stations may not work after the apocalypse. Cars, however, can carry more than one person. Horses, however, can go where cars can't. Overall, if you're going to ride it, and can use it well, this might be the one animal worth taking, but even so it isn't really a pet, it's a useful tool.

Anything else: No.

Now, just to annoy pet people, here's today's test:

Okay, it's been a long zombie invasion, retreating from location to location, and you're running out of food. You've finally managed to barracade yourself in a petting zoo. Now, the animals have mostly run off, but there's still:

A sheep.

A dog.

A cat.

A rabbit.

A horse.

A monkey.

A cow.

A woodchuck.

A giant turtle.

A chicken.

There's feed that the animals can eat, but you can't. In a perfect world, you wouldn't have to eat the animals, but since it's an emergency, which order would you eat them?

Class dismissed. Next class: knowing your enemy.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Welcome back everyone. Now, the test results are good, but could have been better. Your classmate Amber scored a 90%. Frank scored 70%, but probably would have done better if he wasn't trying to be funny. Question number 5 was a particular sticking point, and that was something directly covered, as opposed to some of the other quesitons which were indirectly covered, or a test of common sense, like quesiton 4.

In short, the answers were as follows:

Question 1: Make sure you are safe and then talk it out, making sure he/she is actually turning into a zombie. Remember, you might be the person who's cracking and can't tell who is really a zombie or not. Shooting first whenever you think you see a zombie is a surefire way to getting innocent people killed. Half credit to those who attempted to talk/think things out first, but wound up shooting them without properly investigating first.

Question 2: The apartment. You've got just about everything you need to survive several days, you're well fortified, you have access to tv/radio/phone, and you have an escape route (the window, as there should be a fire escape, if for some reason there isn't you can still tie blankets together, or possibly reach another apartment window). Half credit for the mansion, as there are multiple escape points, plenty of supplies and ways to fortify yourself in. There's also, however, many ways for the zombies to get in and many places they could be hiding without you knowing. The school is no good, because due to fire safety regulations, classroom doors swing out instead of in, making it impossible to brace any door shut, as the zombies can just pull them open. The bar is no good because there's usually too many windows, and even if there aren't any windows, there'll be no useful supplies (sorry Shawn).

Question 3: The rifle. It has the most ammunition, is the easiest to use, can knock a zombie down even if it doesn't kill them, good at long range, and 5 bonus points to Frank for bringing up a point I didn't think of: they're also the easiest to maintain. Half credit for the shotgun. Yes, I know, shotguns are the traditional weapons against zombies, but they don't hold much ammuniton, can easily accidentally hit someone standing near the zombie you're shooting, and aren't as good in close range as you think. SAWED-OFF shotguns can hit three zombies in one shot that are near you, but regular shotguns are really meant for long range, like a rifle. The grenade is probably more useful then you think, but you don't know how to use one. Even if you do, there's too many innocents around, and you need a weapon you can reuse. Unlike a gun, if you misfire with a grenade, you not only miss, but you're dead as well. Uzis do an incredible amount of damage in a very short amount of time. Note the SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME. Have 3 clips? Congratulations, you have 5 seconds of ammo.

Question 4: False, zombies fear nothing. Even if they are weak against it, they don't fear it, and it will probably only attract them towards you (another 5 bonus points for Frank). Half credit for saying that it depends on the type of zombie. I've never heard of zombies being afraid of anything, except perhaps a holy symbol, so it's logical to assume that they aren't afraid of fire, no matter what type of zombie they are.

Question 5: All of them. That's right, if you meet all of them during a zombie attack, then you should travel with all of them, there's no reason to only travel with one. I will also accept everyone except the politician, as some of you probably don't trust him, but there's no reason not to travel with all of the other three, but let's face it, the cop is taking the politician with, so it's most likely all or nothing. Half credit for saying the nurse. As a nurse, she's probably had the most experience dealing with disaster, emergencies, and death firsthand. She'll also be useful for treating injuries and judging whether people are turning into zombies. The police officer probably doesn't have as much experience with disaster as you think, and although he knows how to fight, and has a gun, he'll probably want to side track the group and go to police headquarters, or even try to arrest some of the zombies. There's nothing against the slacker, but there's nothing really for him either. The politician is the most likely to have an escape plan, and also the most likely to have people coming to try to save him. Having him around can help you get out, and don't think he'll betray you just because he's a politician. Anyone can betray you in that situation.

Well, there you have it. How'd you score? For the rest of today's class, let's review personalities, to help you recognize appropriate and inappropriate post-apocalyptic behavior in both yourself and others.

Personality #1: The panicked civilian

By far the most likely personality you will meet during the beginning of a zombie attack, and also the least likely to survive. These people can be anyone, including people you think would keep their heads together, including cops, nurses, highschool dropouts, politicians, and even your own family memebers. They aren't really a danger to anyone except themselves, unless they open a fortified entrance in an attempt to escape. Remember, these people are good people whose minds just can't handle the stress of a zombie invasion. They are to be protected and looked after, but not at the complete expense of the group. If one runs off into the zombie filled streets, it's probably best to just shut the door. If you must attempt to rescue them, and the group is well fortified, go by yourself. They will almost always choose flight rather than fight and may possibly curl up into a ball rather than fire a weapon, but remember that they may be triggerhappy, so only give them a gun if absolutely necessary. On average, about half of all people caught in a zombie attack will fall into this category.

Personality #2: The asshole/lunatic

These people are far more dangerous then the panicked civilian, as they will intentionally put their own safety above the well being of the group, either directly or indirectly. They will abandon the group when it seems best, possibly try to kill members in the group if they think it will help themselves, and will always ALWAYS want to be in charge. These people are as large a menace as the zombies, but should not be abandoned. After all, some people seem bad at first, but can be reasoned with if you stop to talk with them. Also, you'll possibly face repercussions from the group/law if you just leave them to die. If possible don't let them have a gun, and remember that even complete assholes/lunatics can be useful in the right situaion, as long as they're not a danger to the rest of the group. Use your own judgement of course, but always consider that if someone is taking charge, and nothing they say makes sense to you, and you know things would be better if everyone listened to you instead...then perhaps you're the asshole, not them. Assholes consist of about a quarter of the population (that may seem high, but a lot of people won't act this way until disaster strikes). The best way to deal with a troublesome asshole/lunatic is to hit them. Most assholes/lunatics are cowards, and if you stand up to them, they probably will stand down (note, it may be dangerous to allow them to have a gun after that, but it's probably dangerous to let them have a gun anyway).

The remaining quarter or people consist of the remaining personalities:

Personality #3: The survivor

This is probably the personality you want to be, or at least be with. This person knows not only how to survive through a zombie attack, but just about any other dangerous situation as well. Not only do they have training that will help them see this through, but almost all official training emphasizes the need to protect others as well. They will most likely be practical, disciplined and vigilant. They will also most likely have training in the use of weapons. The downiside of being/being with these personalities is that they might be slightly mentally unsound, as most reasonable people don't train as hard, or prepare as much as the survivors. Of course, most reasonable people don't survive through zombie attacks either, as most of them crack when their reasonable world falls apart. Also, the survivor may put his own safety above others, but in any case, you want them in the group. If you are a survivor, good. If not, try to have one along. (this is the only personality which should be allowed to use dangerous weapons such as molatov cocktails and grenades).

Personality #4: The Mad Prophet/Psychic

Laugh all you want, people with divine, magical and psychic powers always seem to pop up when zombies attack, especially if the zombies are supernatural in origin. Do not dismiss them, but remember, even if they have unnatural powers, they're probably still unstable, and should be treated as such. Don't let them hold too much sway over the group, but let them do their thing. Even if they're just looney, it probably won't hurt anything. These people are likely to be pushed around by the asshole/lunatic personality, but try not to take sides, just break it up and keep the peace. Remember, a Prophet/Psychic is just a lunatic/asshole who happens to be right.

Personality #5: Defenseless

This isn't so much a personality as a condition, but it may be a result of a personality. These people, due to physical innability, pregnancy, mental disablity, mental instability, advanced age, extremely young age or injury, are completely unable to protect themselves. They can't fight, run or physically help in any productive way. Some of the group (a rare case when the asshole and the survivor may agree) will want to leave them behind, but you will never forgive yourself unless you exercise every other option first. Attempt to bring them along as best as you can, carrying them if necessary. If they are a danger to the group either indirectly ('they're slowing us down') or directly ('they're turning into a zombie') you must consider the welfare of the group, but this should be decided by the group or the group's best survivor, not the assholes/lunatics. Always take the own defenseless person's opinion into consideration, never abandon children/pregnant women/family unless they're changing into zombies, and consider this: if you have to sacrifice defenseless people to live, is that really living at all? Will you be able to live with yourself afterwards? All of these suggestions, of course, go out the window if they're definitely turning into, or already are, a zombie. Above all, keep the welfare of the group in mind, and never abandon/sacrifice anyone unless it's absolutely necessary.

Personality #6: The professional

The professional will most likely be a police officer, or some other governing official, and they will want to follow a set procedure, and go to designated areas. This can be both good and bad, as the professional will most likely be reasonable, well trained, and have access to guns, but unlike the survivor, they will never take into account that there is no set official procedure for zombie attacks. They are also the least likely to accept the supernatural elements, and will almost always ignore precognition/visions. This, again, is good and bad, as they will not be swayed by lunatics, but they also won't take potential magical elements into consideraiton. Remember, zombies are attacking, and since that is supposed to be impossible, there is definitely much that the professional does not understand about the situation. You will almost always have to allow the professional to take charge, and this may cause clashes with the survivor, but the professional will most likely have the most insight into how to best protect the group and escape. Also, asshole/lunatics are less likely to argue with a professional than with anyone else. As mentioned before, the biggest threat of travelling with a professional is having them sidetrack the group, either by going somewhere that isn't actually safe or by directly confronting the zombies unnecessarily. Remember, never fight a zombie unless it's necessary!

Personality #7: Bleeding Hearts

It's harder to live with a saint then to be one, or so the old saying goes. A good hearted person can be a great asset to the group, but it's important to not let them lead. Bleeding hearts will never sacrifice or abandon anyone, even if it's to save the group. Anyone can be a good person, the difference between them and a bleeding heart is that the bleeding heart is not reasonable about it. They will run out into a crowd of zombies to attempt to save someone who's already dead. They hesitate to kill zombies, even though they're already dead. They will never abandon a defenseless, even if they're turning into a zombie. They act as a good moral compass for the group, and will make the ultimate sacrifice (so you won't have to ^_^). Never abandon them, but don't let them lead either.

Personality #8: The Withdrawn

Some people, when faced with danger just sink back into their own little world, and don't take things too seriously. The difference between them, and a defenseless/lunatic, is that the withdrawn can actually be usefull. They are not likely to panic and will most likely go along with the opinions of the rest of the group. They won't take charge, but they don't need to take charge. They're an overall good backup person to a survivor, and probably won't endanger the group. Their withdrawn nature may make them susceptible to surprise zombie attacks, but even in that case they're more of a danger to themselves than others. Always have them around, as they're fairly useful and good for calming down the panicked.

Whew! That was quite a bit of information! Where do you personally fall? Instead of a quiz, it's time for a personality test!

Quesiton 1: One of your companions seems to be turning into a zombie, but nobody else is noticing. What do you do?

Quesiton 2: Someone takes charge of the group who doesn't seem like the best person for the job. What do you do?

Quesiton 3: You are in the middle of a city, alone, and due to the situation, you can only carry three of the following, along with a fully loaded revolver, and the clothes/jacket you're wearing (no fair trying to use an item to hold more items, three is all you get). Which do you carry?: extra ammunition, a knife, a cell phone (fully charged), a memento of a loved one, a holy object, an empty canteen (you just drank all the water in it), a large bag of trail mix (you're currently full), a mirror, a shotgun, a grenade, a blanket, a first aid kit, pepperspray, a lighter, a riot policeman's shield, a deck of cards, a bottle of whiskey, your keychain (with keys), a flashlight, or a set of lockpicks?

Question 4: Which personality do you consider yourself? Second most likely?

Quesiton 5: You are absolutely surrounded by zombies. Escape is more or less impossible. Your teammates are within shouting distance. What do you do?

Class dismissed.

Saturday, October 08, 2005


Good morning class! Now, it has come to my attention that student's today, although proficient in math skills and improving in language/reading skills (ever since L33T started to die out), are still shockingly poor at basic zombie survival skills. Despite many new technical manuals available on the market, movies and games (both video and RPG) keep showing that your average student is little more than monster chow when faced with the unholy legions of the damned.

Subsequently, I am going to start using big words like subsequently, and work toward educating the average person on how to survive an apocalyptic zombie infestation scenario. For the first lesson, we're going to focus on immediate survival, as we all know that most of the casualties deriving from any zombie attack happen immediately, as most people are too shocked and panicked to adequately defend themselves. Let's break down the steps of zombie survival as follows:


Identify if a zombie attack is actually occurring. There's a tricky period at the beginning of any zombie attack where it isn't certain whether zombies are actually attacking, or if it's just a drunk/junkie/lunatic. For safety's sake, always assume that they're a zombie. Due to legal restrictions, it is not advised to kill everyone who appears to be a zombie, but don't keep that from proceeding to the next steps, and saving actual violence for when you're sure they're a zombie. Remember, a drunk/junkie/lunatic is still dangerous, and should often be treated like a zombie for all intensive purposes.


DON'T PANIC! Don't scream (as this attracts nearby zombies), don't run in a random direction (zombies can be quite quiet and around any corner), don't abandon your friends/family (you'll never forgive yourself and you'll need their help anyway) and don't drop anything useful. Also, admit to yourself, and others, that zombies are attacking. Do not try to deny in or laugh it off, as underestimating zombies is the quickest way to becoming one yourself. Once you're collected and in control of the situation, you can react appropriately.


GET A WEAPON. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just something to tide you over until you're safe. Take a moment and look around your present location. Are you prepared for a zombie attack? What weapons are handy? Currently, for example, where I'm sitting, I can see a sledgehammer, and although it's wooden hafted, it's the best weapon nearby. Always pick guns first (no matter how cool the sword looks) and make sure they're loaded. Even if you've never used them before, if one is available, take it. Failing that, look for large blunt weapons. Long handles will allow you to attack the zombies from far away. Sharp weapons are good if they're large and are capable of cutting the zombie's head off, or thrusting through their head. Power tools are risky, pepperspray is useless, tasers may or may not work, katanas break, medieval swords on display are never very sharp (although maces work great), and chainsaws easily stall if they cut into anything except wood. Don't swing wildly, and focus on keeping the zombie away or knocking them down. They can always be easily finished off while on the ground. If need-be, improvise. The chair you're sitting on will work in a pinch. Can you lift the lawnmower? You're armed. Don't intentionally run them over with your car, as it can easily break your vehicle. Overall, the best weapon is a gun (as long as you have ammo), the next being a machete (large, sharp and deadly in even a weak person's hands), the next being a blunt weapon that isn't going to break (like a metal baseball bat), and lastly a weapon that can be useful as a tool as well (like a crowbar). Anything else might be useful as a backup weapon, but shouldn't be relied on heavily.


Get yourself to a safe location in the safest manner possible. If you're already in a relatively safe location, then brace the doors as well as possible. It isn't a permanent solution, but it'll buy you time to prepare yourself and for help to come. If there's a killer zombie in the room with you, determine if you can leave the room. Most zombies are slow, and not too difficult to outrun. NEVER FIGHT A ZOMBIE UNLESS YOU HAVE TO. The safest places are ones where you can easily exit, but zombies cannot easily enter. Examples include: moving vehicles, rooftops, attics, and locked buildings with multiple exits (and out of reach windows). Easily accessible places with lots of windows are always a BAD IDEA! These places include locations that may seem secure: churches, hospitals, locked stores and police stations. Rember, even if you're locked securely in, you never know when a smart zombie leader/necromancer will show up. You've got to be able to keep running if necessary!

Step 5

Gather anything useful. Ammo, first aid kits, food, drinks, extra gasoline, backpacks, tools, cell phones, radios, keys, items that look like they might be part of a puzzle and anything that will help you keep alive. Always, however, keep your hands free. Don't loot, as it'll only waste time, and encumber yourself. Try to find extra layers of clothing, practical shoes and always wear gloves of some kind. Armor is far too encumbering (especially the medieval kind), and modern armor is mainly mean to prevent bullets, not swarming zombies. Motorcycle helments may prove useful, but they restrict vision, and if they're close enough to bite you're head, you're probably dead anyway. The best armor against zombies is distance.

Step 6

Make longterm plans. Being temporarily safe is never a reason to stop planning. Plan for worst case scenarios. Try to gather as much information about the zombies. Is it a disease? Is it curable (don't shoot the guy who was bitten just yet)? Is it supernatural? Is it happening everywhere, or just your town? Turn on the TV, radio and go on the internet if you can. Agree on an appropriate longterm plan, but don't try to be heroes. Despite what you see in movies, have faith in the authorities to handle the situation. It is very unlikely that they will nuke the city. They are far more likely to barracade it and slowly send in rescue teams. Save as many other people as possible, and stick together. Running off on your own is always a bad idea (at the very least drive a car [be sure to check the back seat]). Do what you need to do and never give up fighting. Despair is your worst enemy. On second thought, zombies are your worst enemy, but despair comes in a very close second. In short, make long term goals and achieve them, and above all SURVIVE.

Step 7

Never go anywhere alone, not even to use the bathroom. Consider just peeing in the corner (ask permission from your companions, as it is not the time to get into a large argument).

Now then, there's the basics. Now, I know this is your first day of class, but let's have a quick quiz to see what you've learned.

Question 1: Your companion appears to be turning into a zombie. What do you do?

Question 2: Which is the best place to hide out in during a zombie attack: a bar/ a mansion/ a school/ or a top floor apartment?

Question 3: What is the best weapon: a rifle/ an uzi/ a shotgun/ a grenade?

Question 4: True or False: zombies fear fire.

Question 5: If you met these people during a zombie attack, who should you travel with: a police officer/ a nurse/ a brainless high school drop out/ a politician?

Answers will be posted next week.

Class dismissed.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

So, with an extra week off to think and concentrate, I present you something I wrote several weeks ago. Now, I have a completely valid excuse, but I'm far too lazy to present it.

Now...the muppets.

The muppets was a really messed up show. It was a fantastic show, but look at how many characters are getting eaten, blown up, and dismembered, all to the beat of classic showtunes. Wild.

There was an R-rated movie made with muppets by Peter Jackson called "Meet the Feebles", which has sex and incredible violence. Now, the sex is of course new, but I honestly don't think the R-rated movie is any more violent than the original show! Death and horror were standard fare with the Muppets, and I absolutely love them for it. I do, however, have a few quesitons...

What are the rules with Muppets and clothes? Kermit sometimes wear's clothes, but then he goes naked on a whim. Wouldn't it be interesting if life was like that ("Nothing to wear, oh heck, I'll just go nude today."). Human-like Muppets always wear clothes, and pigs almost always wear clothes. I guess that if you're a mammal, and don't have fur, you have to wear clothes, but I'm just guessing.

On Sesame street, does Big Bird live (more or less) outside in that nest all year? There is a holiday episode where he nearly freezes out in the cold. Isn't he out in the cold anyway? Does he crash at Snuffy's house? Isn't anyone else concerned that the giant 500-1000 pound creature's nickname is 'Snuffy'?

Do muppets have teeth? I know some of the larger monsters have some, and so does the count, but what about the rest?

Where does Oscar use the restroom? Come to think of it, where does Big Bird and Snuffy use the restroom?! They'd need amazing accomodations! Some to think of it, where's the restroom backstage? Is it against the wall we never see, or downstairs in the cafeteria? Legally, if they provide food, they have to have a restroom.

Is the count really a count? Is he rich (he does live in a castle)? Is he married to any of those women who live with him? It's been over seven years, so unless they're related, I think some commonlaw marriage laws may take effect.

Is kermit really a reporter? Is that his main job, and he manages the theatre in his free time, or vice versa? He lives an amazingly busy life, no wonder he doesn't have time for Piggy.

Will Kermit and Piggy have to eventually adopt? They have kids in the Christmas Carol, and half of them are frogs, half of them are pigs. Do muppets work like that? Are they free to interbreed (half chance it will be the race of either parent) or do they have to match species? Does close count? They keep hitting on the human guest stars, so does that work too?

There are references that suggest that some of the Muppets are not getting paid (makes sense if they don't charge admission, must be running on a grant and food sales), so do they all have side jobs? Kermit is a reporter, and Scooter gets paid, and they'd have to pay the musicians, but what about the others? Do Fozzie and Piggy have side jobs?

What's the deal of the Swedish Chef? Who the heck cooks in a vaudeville show? He's a muppet, but he has human hands. Is he half human? Even Statler and Waldorf don't have human hands, so what does that make them?

What's on the fourth wall backstage, that we never see because the camera never turns around?

How did Kermit book Bob Hope, John Cleese and Alice Cooper? He is AMAZINGLY well connected.

What's that thing around Kermit's neck? Is it a collar, or part of him? Other frogs on the show don't have it, not even his nephew, Robin.

Why is Piggy allowed to beat on anyone she pleases? I understand that she's a Diva, but you'd think attacking a guest would make the papers.

Can the chickens talk? Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Camilla never talks, but Gonzo understands her. Does she have a speeck impediment? Is she speaking chicken? If so, why doesn't Gonzo speak chicken back? Why doesn't she learn English?

How do you get funding from the letters Q, H and the number 4?

What are the racial traits of a Muppet within D&D rules? I think it's this:

Small muppets:

+2 Con, +2 Cha, -2 Str, -2 Wis
Small size
+2 to jump/perform/move silently/escape artist checks
Immune to bleeding and death by massive damage
Can remove and reattach lost body parts as they like
Muppets take no damage from being swallowed, and can exist there indefinitely.
Muppets cannot wear armor that isn't tailored specifically for them.
All muppets are left handed.
Favored class: bard

Medium sized muppets:

+2 Con, +2 Cha, -2 Wis, -2 Dex
Immune to bleeding/death by massive damage
Can remove and reattach body parts as they like
Thet get a d6 bite (or beak or horn if they like) attack as a secondary attack

After biting a creature at least one size level smaller than them, can attempt to swallow whole with a grapple check. Other muppets are an additional -4 to resist this grapple. Inside, opponents take d4 from muscle contraction and d4 acid damage a round. 15 slashing damage from a light weapon will allow an opponent to escape, as will an escape artist check DC:20. If they want, any muppet can exchange this ability for a d8 natural attack instead.

Muppets cannot wear armor that isn't tailored specifically for them.
All muppets are left handed.
Favored class: Bard

Why doesn't Beaker get a better job?

Do they really have the right to chain up Animal like they do?

What's the band conductor supposed to be? He kind of reminds me of a fish.

Why does Jim Henson get all the credit, when Frank Oz did more characters and was funnier?

Perhaps we'll never know...

(I can't belive I wrote this)