Saturday, September 27, 2008


Here I am! Sorry, I got wrapped with work. Nevertheless, I've returned to...damn it, I don't want to do anything political!

The problem is, nothing else is happening. News, media, culture and even the people around me won't talk about anything else...well, at least that and sex. There's always sex.

Oh don't worry, we're not getting into details. We try to keep the blog PG-13 around here (or at worst, a Kevin Smith R/NC-17, where there's no sex or violence, but fat guys hang out at the mall and talk about oral sex).

What we are getting into, is what happens when geeks are exposed directly to a young, attractive woman who doesn't think they're disgusting.

The effects are nothing short of disastrously hilarious.

Let's take this young attractive girl. She's a blond in her early 20's, wears boots, jeans and loose t-shirts, and she's definitely pretty, but not so pretty that she isn't accessible. She has a good sense of humor, but little to no impulse control, causing her to act without thinking very hard. To protect her identity we'll call her 'Mary', an anagram of her real name...

Okay, her name IS Mary. It's not like she reads this blog or anything.

Now imagine a small horde of young male geeks. Yes...imagine them now. No, don't back away, I compel you to imagine the ocean of acne, glasses and pop culture references! Does that one have a 'theme to Star Trek' ring tone on his cell? You bet he does!

Now introduce Mary into the scenario.

Ever see a car crash in slow motion?

Alright, things start off slowly, with Mary being friendly with the geeks, and doing something which hasn't happened to most of them in years: she physically touches them.

Yes, even I was not completely immune, as she casually stepped over and slipped an arm around me. It wasn't a come-on, she's just a 'huggy' kind of girl in general.

Regardless of my geeky nature, I kept things platonic and friendly. Why? Because I knew what was going to happen next. Specifically, geeky intrigue that borders on Shakespearean. Allow me to introduce geeks 1 through 6.

GEEK 1 (Mr. Creepy): Mr. Creepy is married with a kid, but he still spends most of his free time at the game store. Despite being married, and acting normal when around the guys, he gives off a creepy 'stalker' vibe when in the presence of attractive women. Mary often asks him to give her a ride to the store, and ironically, most of the movies he watches begins with a similar scenario. (Cue the bow-chicka-wow-wow)

GEEK 2 (The Flake): The Flake is easily the most physically attractive of the guy gamers, but he's often wrapped up in his own world, and misses out on most of the conversation. He nods politely at whatever you say, and has no actual personality of his own. He's already taken that Mary and him will get together as an inevitability.

GEEK 3 (Poindexter): Poindexter is nice, but bewilderingly over analytical. He's chubby, wears glasses, and more or less what people imagine when they imagine 'a geek', but he's too cheerful and friendly to come off as creepy. He's impossible to anger, but often causes confusion by doing things such as wearing surgical masks when he's sick. Is he bizarre or just trying to be funny? A little from column A, a little from column B...

GEEK 4 (The Robot): The Robot is basically just an older, mellower version of 'Poindexter'. He has a real job, and doesn't freak out in Mary's presence, which is more than can be said for most of the geeks. Then again, nothing seems to freak him out. Could a meteor swarm get him running? We're not sure. He quickly becomes overly concerned with Mary's problems, in a 'big brother' sort of way. It's initially uncertain if he's just being nice, or if he's trying a more passive, gentler approach to getting in her pants. Not since Ben Stein have we seen more passion from a human being.

GEEK 5 (The Jerry Springer Guest, or JSG for short): JSG has absolutely no impulse control, so he gets along with Mary fairly well. Besides the Flake, he's probably the next most attractive of the guys, but keeps saying racist things without reason or provocation, which makes him a little unsettling. He has a pregnant girlfriend, but no immediate plan to marry, a history of infidelity, and was voted 'most likely to die before age 35' by the group...well okay, just by me. But everyone's thinking it.

GEEK 6 (That Guy): 'That guy' is terrified of women, and avoids all eye contact with Mary, but nevertheless gravitates towards her. He speaks at a mile per minute, rarely looks up from the games he's playing, and openly shares the fact he's heavily medicated.

Let's set up the situation. Mary's having relationship problems with her boyfriend...

'Mr. Creepy': Convinces her to talk to him in his car, where he madly professes his love for her, despite the fact he barely knows her.

'The Flake': All but outright tells her that she should leave her boyfriend and date him. He sees nothing wrong with this strategy.

'Poindexter': Remains nice and friendly, but makes an awkward attempt to romance her, in-between turns of Warhammer 40k.

'The Robot': Consoles her and like Geek 2, tries to convince her to break up with her jerk boyfriend. To his friends he'd claim he was 'playing it slow', but glaciers move faster than this man's romantic strategy.

'JSG': Casually hits on her, as he does for virtually every female within a quarter mile radius.

'That Guy': Hides in the corner, avoids eye contact.

Tensions rise. Geeks begin staring daggers at each other. What will happen? Do any of these geeks stand a chance? Will they come to blows over this?

Of course not! They're geeks! They'll just get pissy. Still, despite what you might think, Mary actually goes out with one of these 6 guys in response to their 'advances' (or in the case of That Guy, his 'retreat') and believe it or not, willingly kisses them on the lips.

Which one was it? Will geeks tear each other apart over the fair Mary...okay that's a stretch, but will they throw 12 sided dice at each other?