Thursday, November 12, 2009

100th Post


Go me?

Okay, the delay has been from the fact that I keep trying to come up with something special for the 100th post, but damn it, I keep coming up empty. It's just too hard to top 'Inglorious Potters'. Why the hell did that have to be the 99th post?

Until I get the 'Wayback Machine' fully working, I'm just going to have to go with a typical Shakespearean resolution: the Apocalypse.


Now, I'm not saying that '2012' is a bad movie, it's just an unfortunate movie. It's like saying that a Nascar event was a success because the fans loved the crash that crippled three men.

To give you an idea of the level we're working with, they build giant, futuristic ships to sail through the apocalypse in. One plot point is that they're steering towards Mount Everest, which rises high above the water why didn't they just hide on top of the mountain, instead of building the giant ships? You'd think that would've been easier.

Oh, and needless to say, the little dog lives. As far as I'm aware, every dog on the planet survived, if the director has any say.

2012 is all about the ridiculous spectacle that could only derive from a hackneyed director, dull plot, mediocre actors, a two and a half hour run time, and a $250 million dollar budget. Independence Day seems subtle and nuanced by comparison. Seriously, 2012's John Cusack will make you honestly wonder why Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum didn't both take home gold on Oscar night.

But I digress. For my 100th post, I am going to present several 'alternate' apocalypse movies that are just as good as 2012, only with a tiny fraction of the budget. In fact, all these movie ideas combined only come out to about half of 2012's explosive budget, run 90 minutes tops, and make just as much scientific sense.

All Hollywood producers are asked to post their offers in the comments section of the blog:


A small girl in Ohio skips rope in a playground...

Across the planet, a man raises his arm towards a box on the top of a bookshelf. It's just out of reach...

In Canada, a teenage track and field athlete is preparing for the long jump event...

In England, a docks worker is ready to leave the ship and go to port. There's a two foot gap between his ship and the pier....

In the White House, the President of the United States sees a giant cockroach...

What will happen to the world when EVERYONE JUMPS AT THE SAME TIME?!!!

Beware world, the A-hop-alypse has begun...

Now, I'm pretty sure that idea is worth a $2 million contract right there, but just in case:


In 2010, a young scientist presented the world with his findings, and announced that the world would come to a sudden an abrupt end on December 9th, 2012.

They called him crazy.

Then, at exactly 12:01 am, on December 9th of the year 2012...nothing happened.

He was crazy.


Scientists couldn't believe it. Religious leaders couldn't accept it. Politicians were powerless to confront it.

The sun, unchanged for all human history, suddenly outstretched itself in opposite directions, as if extending two impossibly long arms.

In the days that followed, the people of the world began to swear that a face was beginning to form upon the sun, although no one could discern what it felt.

Then suddenly, without warning, the sun's new appendages stretched towards the Earth, yet instead of burning the world to a crisp, they merely hung in the air above the planet, each emitting a silvery glow at the end, as if the sun were holding a giant metallic object in each hand...

Without warning, the continent sized raisins began to fall.

This summer, the sun is bringing two scoops of annihilation for humanity...

Those three movies alone will make my career. I better make one that'll win awards though...


Panic erupts in the streets. There is no warning or preparation. What caused this madness? Why did it have to happen? No one can say. All we know is:

Every woman on Earth, over the age of 18, has mysteriously lost all their clothes. More perplexingly, each of them have also become surrounded by full length mirrors, and each take at least a two full minutes to realize that anything has happened.

Starring: Salma Hayek, Megan Fox, Jennifer Lopez, Katie Featherston, Kate Beckinsale, Dolly Parton (yeah, I know she's 63, but I don't care), Emma Watson, Vickie Eng, Miley Cyrus (filming to begin 11/24/2010), and many more!

This summer, we...uh...the world is...oh f*ck it, just come and see the movie, guys. You know you're going to.

I know what you're thinking. Max, you're setting yourself up for an Orson Welles-like situation, where you'll never be able to top yourself. Well, I was going to save this, but here's the final Pitch to be made last, just to round out the career:


The scene opens with a scientist urgently making his way into the oval office. The president is startled, and secret service agents rush in, but not before the young scientist can speak.

"Mr. President, I'm sorry for the intrusion, but the world is headed towards catastrophe!"

The president sent the secret service agents out of the room, and allowed the young man to continue,

"If my calculations are correct, sir, the moon has dropped out of Earth's rotation, and is now hurtling directly towards us!"

The president looks thoughtfully out the window, as if wondering what to do. With a slight cough, he addresses the young man for the first time,

"So it is true. Several other leading scientists have told me the same thing, but no one can say why, or exactly what will happen."

Proudly, but with some fear, the young scientist sifted through his notes, and handed a bunch to the president, while softly speaking,

"I believe I know what will happen, sir. The moon is going to crush and flatten in space, before reaching us, spinning outwards as it flies, but always snapping back to its basic round shape, with the surface curling at the edges, and large mountains forming along its surface."

The president urged the young scientist to continue, who barely eked out,

"When it hits the Earth, it's going to surround most of it, as if wet and spongy, before the rubble slowly drifts away in a single mass, and falls towards the sun."

The president hammered his fist upon the table, in furious rage.

"So that's it then? There's nothing we can do before it lands on our heads?"

The young scientist gave a slight cough, to interrupt.

"Not exactly on our heads, sir. My research shows that the mass of the moon will directly seek our our ocular organs when it hits."

The president could barely find the courage to stammer out,

"So you mean..."

"Yes sir...the moon will hit our eyes like a big pizza pie."

This summer...that's AMOREGEDDON!