Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy "Worst Universe" Soundtrack Challenge

(You can listen to the entire playlist on youtube right here: click if you dare)

Can't wait for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2?  Congratulations! You've been successfully Voight Kamff'd.

Want to watch Baby Groot do something cute?  No?  (Deckard shoots them)

One of the best things I remember about the first Guardians of the Galaxy is how it mixed its classic 60's-70's soundtrack through it, adding a great retro-feel to the movie, while still presenting an exciting modern space adventure story.  It hit all the right buttons, and worked perfectly.  

Long story short: everyone loved it, and we now all own some sort of baby Groot toy.

Or several.

In a couple weeks, they will release the official soundtrack list for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and while we wait, a thought came to me:

What's the worst possible scenario?  

To make things interesting, let's stick with the same years of the songs in first soundtrack, use songs that were also popular in America at the time, and keep the same track order.  

In short, in some other poor alternate timeline, the following soundtrack will accompany Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

Imagine this:

You turn the soundtrack on, and instead of starting with "Hooked on a Feeling" by Blue Suede (which more than any other song in the album, would become synonymous with Guardians of the Galaxy), instead you're treated to:

Everyone, let's sing together!

"Oh, I don't know if I can take it!  Cause it took so long to bake it!  And I'll never have that recipe again!  Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Interesting trivia: Richard Harris was the original Dumbledore in the first two Harry Potter movies, until he tragically died, publicly executed for singing MacArthur Park.

Okay, you're woozy from the seven and a half minute song about bakery mishaps, but don't worry, you've made it to track 2:

Oh it's too late to back out now.  MUCH too late.

Put together, this 16 MINUTE long 1-2 punch combo is enough alone to drive listeners mad, but those that maintain their sanity will live to see track 3:

Many younger people may not know this one.  If so, you're missing out on some "grade C" preachy, whiny 60's folk rock, from a band that never accomplished anything ever again.

Afterwards, you're confused and dismayed, but the song's mercifully short, so perhaps you're slightly optimistic when you're hit by the Osmonds.

Yeah drink that in.

Then it's off to see K.C. and the Sunshine Band's, for "Shake Your Booty".

Yeah, I didn't know the lead singer was white, either.  Click the above link to check out a VERY awkward Soul Train episode.

The funky disco beat's very 'bottom of the barrel' continues with:

My personal theory is the lead singer actually knows how to sing, but as a form of protest, he adamantly refuses to.

Now halfway through the soundtrack, we've hit a lot of dance/disco, so let's slow down the mood a little with:

Now I'M beginning to feel nauseous, and I'm merely writing this.  

But wait!  It gets worse...

Okay, I have mixed feelings at first, because Carly Simon was GORGEOUS back then.  Surely nothing could change...







By now anyone with any sense or reason left within them have physically smashed their ipod to escape, but for those not so lucky we have:

Sadly we don't have time for parts 1 AND 2.  You'll have to settle for just chapter 1 of this epic tale.

The good news you've made it all the way to track 10, and instead of Escape (The Pina Colada song) by Rupert Holmes, you have to suffer through:

Just kidding. No escape.

The one misstep of the first Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack is they accidentally included one of the worst songs of the 1970's.  I know many will disagree, but I scoured the hits of 1979, and trust me, there isn't one worse.

No time to argue!  Something's wrong with those birds.  Are they coming closer...

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?  Honestly, this sounds more like a gypsy curse than a love song.

(Side note: The Carpenters would have made it into this list twice, also with "Please Mr. Postman" but I decided to keep it to one track per band, instead giving "Why Can't We Be Friends" their other spot.)

I wish this carnival of nightmares ended on something a bit more horrifying than the merely tepid and annoying:

Is it me, or does it sound like she's trying to pick up homeless drifters, and take them back to her place?

Is there any way that won't end with SOMEONE murdered?

Well, there you have it.  Somewhere, in another time, place, and/or dimension, some Marvel fan's listening to this playlist, in quiet anticipation for Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2.

Somewhere, they're enveloped in horror, with one thought echoing through the hollow recesses of what used to be their mind:

Well, at least it's better than Netflix's "Iron Fist".