Saturday, March 17, 2007


That's right! I'm taking a short break from the competition, first to let you know what I've got in the large plastic bag next to my computer, and secondly to describe the test run I'm about to go through.

Firstly...firstly? That a word?

Anyway...I say anyway a lot...

Well, (there we go) the bag contains twenty dollars worth of horrible movies, about 30 or so to be exact. A friend of mine sells them online (they're the dollar store DVD's you see around) and I decided to be a customer and buy a very large supply of horrible, horrible, horrible movies. How bad? I'm going to see. Then I decided I can make a little game of it, of a sorts.

I'm going to see how long I can watch the movie before stopping and going to do something else.

For example, I started (randomly) with "Stateline Motel" and found it marginally entertaining. It co-stars the very fine method actor, Eli Wallach (he was 'the ugly' in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'), has a satisfactory car chase (although the main character and Eli magically switch seats in one scene, along with the steering wheel), and a funny opening scene where the main character is released from prison and then immediately goes with Eli to rob a jewelry store.

After a while Eli left though, and we watch the main character get his car 'stuck' on about two inches of snow, leading him to need to go get help...and then I got bored, shutting the movie off for 17 minutes, 52 seconds.

Not bad, considering I only got six minutes into Ninja Death 2 before shutting it off and then banging my head against my desk (I'm saving that one for Jen and Pat's), which made me are these movies going to measure up? Which ones will I be able to go the longest with, and which the shortest.

If people want to guess, I'll even try and figure out a prize of some sorts, if they can figure which of these movies, based on titles along, I will go the furthest with, and which one I'll go the least with (not counting the two I've listed above).

The beautiful list of titles (with some additional notes) are:

Slave of the Cannibal God (exactly what it sounds like)

Deadly Impact (Fred Williamson blacksploitation)

Death Journey (ditto)

Project Kill (secret spy action starring...Leslie Nielson?!)

Mutant (produced by Dick Clark...I checked, not that Dick Clark)

Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you have to see the back of the package to believe it)

Ninja American Warrior (shouldn't it be American Ninja Warrior?)

Virgin Terror (you can guess)

Spider's Venom (the main chick's hot, looks like Carol Cleveland)

The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (the third in the series, apparently)

Hitler: Dead of Alive (great title)

Prison Break (from 1938, and you can really tell)

Ransom Money (it says the surprise ending on back. Huh?)

Desert Commandos (WW2 guys on the front, Desert Storm guys on back. Wha?)

Legend of the 8 Samurai (no idea, I got it because it comes with the movie...)

Deady Buddhist Raiders (They raid, feel satisfied with what they already have, then burn)

Dementia 13 (a Francis Ford Coppola's supposed to be good, but who knows)

Murder at Midnight (you'll never guess what happens)

Incident on a Dark Street (Shatner! He's a cop!)

Incubus (More Shatner! He's an exorcist!)


You heard me, Amber! Now hold on, I'm not finished yet!

Rage of the Master (doesn't appear to have rage, nor a master)

Snake Crane Secert (that's exactly how it's written on the case)

The Satanic Rites of Dracula (Christopher Lee is Dracula! Moria...)

Horror Express (Chris Lee is on a monster infested train! Mordor...)

Dead Men Walk (Black and White zombie revenge flick)

The Monster Maker (Uh...guy makes monsters. Go fig.)

Dog Day (I hope Lee Marvin was paid well for this crappy criminal on the run flick)

Condition Red (Prison guard hooks up with female prisoner...I was hoping they meant 'red alert' and involved submarines)

A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's court (only 55 minutes long...that's a bad sign)

The Amazing Mr. Blunden (time traveling kids foil robbers...99 minutes long...great)

There we go! Thirty turkeys! Can you guess which one is going to last the most, and least amount of time? Post some guesses and we'll see!

Anyway, it's time for the trial run.


You see, I'm not sure if the next challenge will work or eliminate the suspense, it's with, but how to challenge? The Judge declared that it's not really fair to compare my writing, a 28 year old amateur writer and college graduate, against the work of an young teen girl who's barely started high school...but what if I only had ten minutes?

I couldn't write a whole story of course, but if I, in ten minutes, could throw together a fragment of a story that's better than the fan fic writer's (who has had an unlimited amount of time to prepare) and with exactly the same premise...I think I'd score a point. Best out of three points wins!

The Judge is a little shaky on the premise though, and has prepared a 'Test premise' for me to use. I'll do my best to throw together a short story based on that premise in ten minutes, with no preparation.

Ready! Set!

The premise is...

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows My take on the last book!!!111 CHAPTER 3: Harry and Draco are trapped in an elevator together and true feelings are revealed! But when things look bad a guest star Crossover anime character and my own orginally charrie shows up to save the day!!! This fic is rated M for leMon!!!! plz r&r!!!!1111one"

You're a cruel woman Amby...BUT NOT CRUEL ENOUGH!


Ranma shimmied down the ladder in the elevator shaft as best he could, barely ahead of the lumbering King Torg. Ranma was beginning to worry, knowing that if the big guy slipped, he'd be smashed flat against the elevator below. The fact the self proclaimed 'King' was climbing down one handed, while making out with Nibiki, was not helping out his nerves.

"Will the two of you knock it off! Harry and Draco are going to die if we don't get there soon!"

Torg pulled himself off Ranma's exhaused, soon to be sister in law, and yelled down,

"Can't they just 'magic' themselves out or something? This chick is so ready..."

Ranma rolled his eyes and quickly squirmed down below, where he saw the outline of what appeared to be an elevator. He was about to yell up at the idiotic half pig-demon guy, when he heard voices from below,

"What do you mean you don't have one?"

A squeaky, shrill voice rattled out, echoing through the darkness. A slightly deeper voice shot back,

"Well why would I have one with me? It's not like I was expecting this to...well can't you just magic one up or something?"

A low, shrill growl hissed back, like a snake,

"Why the hell would there be a spell like that for?!"

"For situations like this, I'd imagine. Can't we know, not use one?"

The shrill voice became slightly annoyed, spewing back,

"If I'm going where Weasley's been, I'm sure as hell wearing one."

King Torg shimmied down, leaving the exhausted Nibiki further up, to catch her breath. He slid down towards Ranma and casually asked,

"What I miss?"

"Huh? Oh nothing...say, could you throw these into the elevator down there?"

Torg took the small handful of material, quickly leapt down, opened the hatch and tossed them in.

Harry and Draco looked down at the floor and saw...a zip lock bag and a rubber band.

Harry snapped his head up and snarled,

"OH, HA HA GUYS! HA HA...what?"

Draco look from the bag to the rubber band and wondered,

"Do you think it would..."


Sunday, March 11, 2007


We're back, and to make the situation a little more clear, the judge has decreed that during my IMDB challenge, choosing 'My Pet Monster', the failed pilot/straight to video kids movie, was more than a little bit unfair, especially since it isn't even a movie, really, and the site prides itself in being a 'movie' database.

The first two movies, 'Dr. Alien' and 'God Told Me To' both still stand, leaving me and the website tied up, requiring a third movie to compete against. Because of the last personal foul, I will not get to choose the third movie personally, but an impartial third party (thanks Jenny!) has selected "Unico:".

Unico is a dubbed Japanese cartoon starring the ridiculously adorable tiny cat-sized, red headed unicorn 'Unico' that speaks in an adorable squeaky voice, occasionally sprouts fairy wings, and brings death and chaos everywhere he goes. This isn't exactly Unico's fault, as an evil dark queen follows in Unico's wake, in an attempt to destroy him for some reason I don't exactly follow.

This is outside the plot though, and merely serves as an excuse to drop Unico into brand new situations every movie, never being able to stay with his new friends, having to instead find new lives to unintentionally destroy.

In this chapter, which is the best in my opinion, there is an evil living puppet that hates everyone around him. Does he destroy them? No! Instead he just has his traditional dashing yet reluctant assistant help round everyone up, with the help of the assistant's awesome ability to cut down trees and turn them into flying tree-bikes.

After rounding up the helpless villagers, the evil puppet turns them into...remember those blocks we had when we were young that looked like little people but connected to each other? Yeah, he turns everyone into living building blocks like those, and makes his castle out of them. Overall, it's pretty elaborate considering the amount of thought most villains put into this kind of caper.

Anyway, in a traditional fashion, Unico wins friends, turns the heart of the villain's awesome reluctant assistant, helps the assistant find love, and then in a one-on-one battle, in an untraditional fashion, sprouts fairy wings and then brutally impales the main villain on his horn.

The villain clutches at the wound and then cries out that he feels 'Good!' as he explodes, ending the evil spell upon the villagers, and bringing an unlimited amount of love and friendship to the wonderful puppet killer, Unico, who basically just used the power of pure love to cleave a man in two.

Unspeakably awesome!

No time to celebrate though! Here comes the evil queen, so it's off to further adventures, you delightful horned psychopath you! Ta ta!

Bonus point for Max, for remembering that Unico is a boy, but it gets wiped out by the fact that Max forgot that Unico is based on a Manga. On to IMDB:


Unico: Mahô no shima e (1983)

(No picture)

(English title: Unico In the Magic Island)

Plot Summary:

The lovable Unico the Unicorn still sought after by jealous gods. (Huh?) Is (They're starting the sentence with 'Is'?) taken to the forest by the West Wind and forgets everything from his earlier fantastic adventure. Unico wonders (Wonders?) aimlessly into the deep forest and finds Melvin Magnificat a cranky cat that thinks he is the big boss of the forest. Unico also runs into Cheri a young girl who finds and then cares for Unico. Toby a wannabe magician, (Toby a wannabe magician what?)Lord Kuruku a powerful magician that has a grudge against the human race, (Lord Kuruku a powerful magician what?!)and many more new characters. (And many more new characters wh...ah just forget it)

...wait, that's it? That's all the plot summary we're going to get? Wow, apparently they did forget it. In fact, throughout the horribly written summary, they forgot to talk about the plot! Judges?

Indeed! Although Max did forget about the comic relief cat...but perhaps that's for the best.



YEAH! TAKE THAT NAY SAYERS! I just knocked down the re-risen Internet Movie Database 'Whack a Mole' style!

Is that it? Of course not! Onto the war journal!


March 11th, 4:30 pm:

I've got a free moment to myself, so I nestled up with my keyboard, fumbled for my pack of ciggs, remembered that I don't smoke, and started writing.

Mom, Dad, Amber, Heather and everyone else...I may not make it back alive from this one.

I keep telling myself that I'm ahead, that I don't have anything to fear, that all the judge has decreed is that I must sit straight through a specific Something Awful weekend web without standing up, significantly looking away or crying like a broken man.

How hard could that be?

Due to the nature of the battle, I'm afraid I won't be able to update you on my progress until after the battle...if I make it out alive. This is a site that prides itself on being awful, so in order for them to win, they're going to have to horrify me to the point of retreat...but I've sworn to myself that I will not retreat!

I will stand tall and strong, holding my shield or on it!

Wait! I hear their approach! The battle begins and I must leave. I'll write again as soon as I...

March 11th, 4:57 pm:

I don't know if I can accurately describe what just happened.

Current level of faith in humanity: 100% (I'll update you on its progress. Like a video game, if it reaches 0%, I'm doomed)

It all started with a Yoshi fan-site. (99%) That's right, Yoshi the Mario Brothers dinosaur. It starts with people, each with their own drawing of Yoshi, talking about how great Yoshi is (98%). One of the members went on to say that he hates those 'serious jerks' that think they're stupid and if there was no consequence, he'd kill them all. (93%)

For a change there's someone with a Tails image from the Sonic games (94%) who's named himself 'Tails' (92%) and goes on about how much he loves his Yoshi plushie (90%) and that he's going to take it everywhere from now on (88%).

His next post is about gay sex with Tails (83%). A LONG post about gay sex with Tails (80%), using phrases such as 'wrapped his tails around' and 'nodded to give consent'. (76%)

If that wasn't enough, it goes on for more and more pages of Tails as a woman, with huge breasts, and in one case as a woman with huge breasts who is also a killer cyborg (66%).

Then we're back to Yoshi, who is drawn with black hair, in a suit, and with a backpack. He's crying over a picture of a red feminine Yoshi, on the wall behind him is the word 'sad' printed over and over, and below the picture is the tagline: 'a pic about how I feel at school'. I want to throw this kid's backpack onto the roof of the gym. (56%)

A member with an adorable and unique picture of Yoshi (58%) whines on and on about how she accidentally killed a lizard (56%).

A member with a generic picture of Yoshi announces: 'If this is spam, please lock. I am single and need a girl to love. :-(' (54%)

It's tails again and he's now a tall naked purple woman! (48%)

More whining. (46%)

Followed by a tense story of how they 'accidentally left their plush yoshi out in the rain, couldn't find it, and when they found it it was all smelly. Then he washed it and it was alright.' I wish I could punt people off the internet (44%)

The next post starts 'Have you ever been tricked in a Yoshi related way?' (40%)

Another kid woke up while sleeping in the middle of class, and for some reason shouted "Yoshi Rules!"

Actually, that's pretty damn funny.

Despite the horrifying pictures/gay fanfics involving Tails, I weathered through the battle with a full two fifths of my faith in humanity remaining. Sure, it was bad, but they were just kids! It all wasn't as bad as it...

It was then I saw the second website in the weekend web roll over the horizon. It's entitled: Jeffrey's Love Quest.

Is it Jeffrey's quest for love? No! It's about his incredible, intense love for...a cartoon character. (35%)

Specifically, his love for Rei Ayanami, the blue haired chick from Neon Genesis Evangelion (30%)

It starts about how much he loves her, and that she's his true soulmate (25%)

Some notable quotes inclue:

"Rei if you truly are real, I want you to know I love you with all my heart!" (20%)

"Rei is my goddess and my queen!" (15%)

A new user, David Jones, attempts to talk the poor fool down (20%)...

But to no avail. (15%)

"Even though I know she is not real, I love her." (10%)

"I know I'm like her, but then their is this other crazy evil side of me, especially when I'm mad." (5%)

"I know Rei is real in some special kind of way." (Stop)

"Not even death would be able to seperate us!" (Please stop)

"Rei Ayanami, you are what completes my soul, your the most important person in my life!" (For the love of all that is holy, please stop)

"YOUR MINE MY LOVE!" (I'm calling the police)

"Also I would love her and be with her for the rest of my life." (I'm dialing now)

"I'd especially marry her!"



There is a horror which lurks in the souls of men, and I'm now completely convinced that this darkness connects directly to the internet, the final dumping ground for everything people would never actually share in public.

Man, I was prepared for gay fanfics, penile silicone injections and anything disgusting...but this, this never ending surge of whiny adolescent more than this soldier can bear.

As a penalty, I'll have to grab something from the shop...but not a hand grenade shirt. That wouldn't go over well with mall security.

This battle is lost, but the war continues! Only three challenges left at most, and the end is near! Which one of us is going to slam down face-first into the mat?

Stay tuned!