Saturday, December 16, 2006

Uh...DAMN IT! I can't remember Steven's question. I remember his first question, but he replaced it with a new one and now I've totally blanked on what it was. Sorry Steve, I'll have to ask again.


Q. Since the beginning of time, why has man been fascinated by fire?

A. All the humans who weren't fascinated by fire froze to death during the ice age. The humans that genetically had the predisposition to fire, or at least didn't have a strong natural fear of it, used fire to survive. It's simple evolution.

Throughout history, people from all sides have argued that their own culture or race is superior to others, but there's been wide gulfs in their definitions of 'superior' that are often contradictory to logic and natural law. In reality, throughout human history, it has not been natural genetic superiority that has defined who was superior, but invention.

For example, imagine an absolutely perfect superbeing who's afraid of fire. Now imagine a small, pitiful human being, let's say roughly the size of a halfling (a child, for my non-geek readers, if they exist) who likes fire very much. Then the ice age hits. No matter how pitiful, stupid and small that halfling is, he's going to be enjoying a nice hunk of meat by the fire while our super being is enjoying the sensation of losing fingers to frostbite.

This is the core flaw in the philosophy of racists, and more specifically, the Nazis. Not only are they not genetically superior to every other race in the world, but even if they were it wouldn't matter. During World War 2, America was stil capable of producing far more soldiers, vehicles and bombs then the Germans ever could. Man to man, honestly, a Nazi soldier was superior to an American one (mostly because of training and organization). The war wasn't man to man though. It was tank to tank, plane to plane, and when America sent two to face their every one, victory for the Germans wasn't possible. Technology is what mattered, not genetic superiority, which is ironic since Germany had amazing technology. They just didn't have the system that would allow it to be mass produced, or used most effectively.

Our race, as it is now, is here because we were able to adapt to a new environment. The dinosaurs weren't able to adapt. They were mighty and powerful, but given one catastrophe, they're done. Given any amount of time, there's going to be a large catastrophe that redifines life as we know it. For most animals in the world today, the new change is us. The world's changing simply because there's so many human beings living in it at once. Man's success and survival in the future will be based solely on our ability to adapt to change.

Take trains. If we never evolved to the next step in transportation and never moved beyond the steam trains of the 1800's, would we still be using them today? No, we would have run out of wood. As the west was cleared of trees, those trees were used in the construction of train tracks, and because of the exposure to the elements, that wood would have to be replaced every two years or so, far faster then those trees could be grown. In the same fashion, oil is limited and when we run out, it's gone, and all technology based solely on oil will vanish. The strongest biggest, meanest caveman KNEW he was on top of the world and he KNEW he'd never need fire to do it. The cold came, he died, and the world moved on. People can pretend that we're going to have enough resources to last forever, but when we run out (the modern equivalent of the ice age), it's going to be the people who are best able to adapt who will run the world...

God this is dull.

I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the inherent dullness of this answer.

What to do...I know! DEATHALON!!!


Hello sports fans, and welcome to the Deathalon, where we take people and expose them to terrible, horrorible dangers until all but one are dead!

This week we have a special 'evolution edition' where we're taking the supposedly 'superior' versions of man and pitting them against the wrath of nature. For the sake of balance, every version will be outfitted exactly like a caveman. Nice Fred Flinstone look, guys! Hope you weren't expecting shoes!

Contestent number one is the REALLY BIG AND STRONG GUY! This guy's popular in bar fights, prisons, locker rooms, the pre-historic era, and generally anywhere you find guys.

Contestent number two is the PURE BLOODED NOBLE! Just look at his blonde hair, blue eyes, dementia, and wounds that won't heal themselves! Now that's the sure sign of the master race! This guy's popular with the early 1900's, other inbreds, and generally any culture that doesn't understand science that well.

Contestent number three is the REALLY SMART GUY! This guy has an IQ around 200! Will he successfully breed? We'll soon find out! Remember, this person is not necessarily creative, just smart. This guy's popular with the late 1900's, most snobs, and generally anyone who needs to know how to get their goddamn computer to work.

Speak of the devil, contestent number four is the REALLY CREATIVE GUY! Popular with inventors, capitalists and everyone that loves having 'stuff', this guy knows how to put things together!

Contestent number five is the...CHOSEN ONE! He's not particularly...anything really...but he was definitely pre-ordained to be all it's oneness! The one is popular with all people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and need to be saved by a second party, and most other sheep.

Contestent number six is...MY FRIEND CHRISTIAN! Welcome to the games Christian! I can see you've already brought some fire for the contest...oh, you were bringing that anyway? Well that's good, because you're THE GUY WHO ISN'T AFRAID OF FIRE! Now, on to the...


AND THE PURE BLOOD IS OUT! Exactly two and a half seconds before the first event, our genetically pure competitor has succomed to the numerous genetic abnormalities that come with having only one family party each holiday. The festering boils and wounds derived from the hemophilia and dementia induced self neglect probably didn't help either! Despite his supposed blood purity, this monstrosity couldn't even survive in an air conditioned buffet! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, THE PURE BLOODS ARE OUT...and the Harry Potter fans go wild! Yes, sports fans, the Harry Potter fans go wild!


It's December, so this won't be completely easy...the creative guy and the intelligent guy are working together to make a hut...and the big guy is stealing the hut away from them! This could be, wait...they just went on ahead and made another hut for themselves! What great sports!

The chosen one is standing there, posing...the camera is focused on his grim expression and great hair as it flaps in the wind...and had he been chosen for practical reasons he'd have something to do right now., he's just standing there...being the one.

Christian isn't doing much besides playing with the fire. It's keeping him warm for now, but he'll need something to burn...

NOW HERE COMES THE COLD! The posing seems to be doing nothing for the Chosen one...


That's it! Without any good reason for being chosen, the chosen one is little more than a frozen corpse...


Or should I say tinder?! Christian's making good use of the fallen competitor as we move on to...


Oh I don't know if this will be much of an issue. There seems to be enough to go around for...

AND HERE COME THE LADIES! Specifically, three ladies. Now before my female readers get angry, we're assuming that the guys are going to fight first, and then the women will have their choice of mate. You could easily flip this equation and have women fighting over men if you like. The real issue is which of these competitors is going to be able to mate, regardless of whether they're going to be the mother or father.

The ladies seem to like all the guys, but there's simply not enough for everyone...

...and the big guy's trying to take them all! This is too much even for this group to handle! They're all ganging up on the big guy...and they're going for rocks ladies and gentelmen! No matter how big and strong you are, three guys with rocks...


...and torches are just too much to handle! Quantity is definitely defeating quality...


...and another corpse is on the pile! As we can now see, the actual bodies of the competitors seem to be nothing, be they supposedly pure, large, or destined! No, this is coming down to brains, but what about attracting the women? They seem a little put off what with the killing and all, and they're going to have to be charmed again.

The creative guy is composing sonnets, poems, songs and other inventions created solely for the purpose of getting into someone's pants. The women seem to approve!

The smart guy shows how well he can add numbers in his head. The women are indifferent!

Christian has pretty fire. OOOOOOO's and AHHHHHHH's aplently from the mystical fire! The fire is also warm, comforting and will cook their food. Women love men who can cook!

It looks like the ladies are cuddling up with two of our competitors to enjoy some rare mammoth steaks and sonnets read by the fire...AND OUR SMART GUY IS LEFT OUT IN THE COLD!

We'll assume that poor nerd doesn't mate in the frequency of Romeo and Pyro over there, as intelligence really don't matter until technology hits a certain level, and even then there's nothing on a whole about it that helps you mate more often then others.

Now, onto event number...what? No, you guys don't actually get to mate with the women...and I'm telling on you Christian.






The creative guy is taking my advice and running...which is no good! Ha ha, sucker! You can't outrun a bear. Christian is waving fire at the bear...who doesn't seem to like it at all! Yes, it's keeping it away...and the creative guy has fashioned a spear! He's jabbing at the bear...and the bear snaps it in two like a twig with a rock tied to the end! The creative guy somehow finds the time to fashion a bow and arrow...which is amazing, really...but the bear's already too close! The creative guy needs a plan!

He passes out!

Bears don't attack passed out people right? Looney Tunes wouldn't lie to us, would they?

Sorry creative guy, but this is a brown bear, and brown bears WANT you to stop moving. That means it's supper time!


AND THAT'S IT! The creative guy is eaten! Why? Shouldn't the creative inventor be able to save himself through inventions? Inventions don't erase problems, they change things. You can't invent the bow and arrow in time to save you, it has to already be there, and this in itself would creat new problems. If you create a bow you don't have to worry so much about animals, but then other humans will have bows as well, making everyone less safe. You haven't erased problems, you've just changed what the problems are.

For example, if there was a next event, and thanks to Christian's pyromania there doesn't have to be, it would be to gather enough food. Gathering enough food can be a problem, so you start moving around, which is haphazard at best, so you begin farming and keeping your own animals. All this keeps you in one place so you need protection, so you invent bows. Guys with bows are a problem, so you invent guns. Guys with guns are a problem, so you invent bombs. Guys with bombs are a problem, so you invent missles. Guys with missles are a problem, and you suddenly have to start moving around again in order to be safe.

Fire has helped humanity so much in the past because it works. If it didn't work, we wouldn't use it, and even in pre-historic times, using fire had its consequences, as you have to keep the fire going, gather enough wood and eventually get enough flint together to restart it easily and...

You're just ignoring me and staring at the fire, aren't you Christian?

*Lowers head*

You just want an excuse for your pyromania, don't you?

*Shameful nod*

Well just go right ahead my friend. Fire's saved humanity's bacon on many occassions, and as long as the people who prefer fire live to reproduce the most, it's the way it's going to remain.

Of course, one day it might be the opposite, and all the people who refused to give up fire, combustion, and other ways of turning resources into fuel, may all fade away just like those pyrophobic cavemen...but we're not there yet.

So just go ahead and enjoy yourself. The fish are of the sea, the birds are of the air, but despite what some Wiccan people may try to convince you, humanity is not an animal of the Earth.

Humans are, and always have been, embodied by the flame.

(Just don't burn down Vinny's basement, okay Christian? All my stuff's down there.)

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Okay, I had to take hostages in order to get the last few questions, but I did it! I apologize to any fictional characters who were almost brutally decapitated for the sake of blogging.


Q. If you could only eat/drink one thing in order to gain sustenance (assume you get complete nutritional value from this one thing) what would it be?


The problem is, eventually we get sick of everything. If we only eat/drink/play/watch/do/talk about/think about/screw/ritualistically murder one type of food/drink/game/show/hobby/topic/topic/hooker/Peanuts character, then we're eventually going to get bored no matter how many times we decapitate Lucy.

So the one type of food would have to either encapsulate many different types of food, provide an innate form of variety, or provide a completely unrelated benefit.

Just to set some ground rules, I'm assuming I won't be suffering the negative effects from the food, as I'd die in a year if I had to eat a real fattening food every meal. No, this is so special kind of super food that has all the nutritional benefits, but none of the drawbacks...

I have to admit, thinking this out I had a few misfires. At first, I was set and ready to say cheesecake, but it'd have to be my own cheesecake, and they take quite a bit of prepwork to create. Unless I'd want to spend every night home making cheesecake, that's not going to work...

I almost went with Jelly Belly Jellybeans and their incredible number of flavors, but that feels like cheating. I have a feeling that I'd be stuck with one particular type of food, not a brand of a general type. I could choose cherry jelly beans, and I'd be able to live on cherry jelly beans from any company, but it'd have to be a specific flavor.

A part of me wants to select buttery garlic bread...oh it wants to select that so bad...but eventually even I'd get tired of...soft, fresh baked...NO MAX! PULL BACK! Besides, could you ever really choose between buttery garlic bread...still warm from the oven...AND RED LOBSTER CHEESY BISCUITS?!

Oooo...tough choice...GARLIC BREAD!!! GIVE ME..., even that would get tiring after a while. I need variety! I need...

French Onion Soup

I'm not saying it's my all time favorite food, although I do enjoy it very much. The real allure is...well, come on, walk with me.

[Walks to Cape May]

Now...what? Well yes, I guess we could have driven, but...yes, I know it's really freakin cold out, but if you would...I really don't need to know how numb your genital area is right now man, I just need you to look HERE!

That's right, this is the 'Ugly Mug' tavern. Let's step inside. Now let's have a seat, order a couple of drinks, and more importantly, order two crocks of their french onion soup.

While we're waiting, I'm going to mention that I did consider making a surreal choice, but I knew very well that wasn't fair. If I could though, I'd definitely choose 1-up mushrooms from Super Mario Brothers.

Now, I'm not sure if Mario has to eat them or if he just absorbs them into his body, but in any case he is technically consuming them! The regular power-up mushrooms are tempting...double in height, break bricks with your fist or head, jump twice as high, survive a hit from anything including, but not limited to fire, cars, animal attacks and nuclear missles...but the extra life mushrooms are definitely more impressive.

Imagine this:

"Wow, that was some wild night in Vegas with all those hookers! Who knew there was a way to make sex even more unprotected than normal? Who knows what I might have contracted from that wild escapade..."

Walks into traffic, gets run over.

"And I'm back to normal, no problem at all! Gee, I probably shouldn't have borrowed that 100 grand from the mob to pay for that wild escapade! It'd be quite a shame if they were listening in and heard I had NO INTENTION OF REPAYING THEM!"

Gets thumb cut off and then gets capped in the head.

"Well I probably could have done without the experience of getting my thumb snipped off with a pair of bolt cutters...but hey, live and learn! Well, now I'm now back home from my wild trip. All I have to do now is go through the painfully long and tedious security screening process at the airport..."

Gets mauled by turtle.

"And I'm back home!"

Quite a setup huh? Now, a drawback would be that I'd have to eat the entire mushroom, and there's some question as to how large they get. In the video game they take up roughly the space of a 5 X 5 foot cube, which is kind of a lot of mushroom to eat through. On the videogame boxes the mushrooms fit in his hand...but why's he holding it? Do you have to hold the mushroom in order to get the benefit? Bear Wrestling (what? tell me you wouldn't want to try) and other ridiculous escapades would be kind of awkward if you had to hold a mushroom the entire time. Still, these 1-up mushrooms aren't real, so they're disqualified...oh good, here's our soup.

Go ahead, try it. Neat huh? No, it's not like other french onion soups you've tried. Yes, I am talking like Alton Brown right now, but hear me out.

This French Onion soup tastes a little bit like ale (in a good way), it's rich with deep onion flavor and there's a thick slice of cheese covered bread on top. This soup isn't too sweet, and it's loaded with red onion flavor!

Now let's walk back to Freehold. No, we can't take a bus. No sense arguing about it...JUMP CUT!

And we're back in Freehold! Let's walk down to the local Ruby Tuesdays.

Now he's a fairly generic bowl of French Onion soup, piled with bread and cheese. It's good, and almost nothing like the bowl we just had in the Ugly Mug. Another cut...

And we're here in Longhorns! No bread or cheese you say? That's more soup in the bowl, made with delicious meat drippings to give the onion soup a meaty kick...

And then it's over to Moore's tavern for a HUGE bowl of soup. Oof! Now that's what I like to see. Yum!

Go to any restaurant in the nation and you'll find French Onion soup, but no two will be the same. Of all the types of food in the world, none has more infinite variety than this simply dish, and you could eat it to gain sustenance for every meal every day, and you'd never get tired of it.

That's why, in response to your question, if I could only live on one type of food, it would definitely be...


I've cracked! My brain's rebelled! It's too late for me! I'm locking myself in with all the garlic bread I can find and I may very well never come out!