Saturday, August 16, 2008

I don't have too much time today, so just a short one:


Stop the execution! There's been a call from the governor!

Specifically, from Governor Schwarzenegger (believe it or not, my initial spelling was only one letter off). The call is from all the way back in 1998...with the movie 'Batman and Robin'.

This is the worst action movie ever made. Pound for pound (taking the budget into consideration) it's THE worst movie ever made. I'm not even sure who they targeted this movie towards. As rifftrax suggested: 'sex crazed seven year olds?'

It starts with molded plastic asses, and moves on to a ridiculous fight in a museum between ice skaters and our heroes, with Arnold delivering mind-shatteringly bad pun after pun. You think he's finished, but oh no, there's about 5 billion ice/snow/cold related puns to get through before he's done.

Let's compare the new Batman movie, 'The Dark Knight' against 'Batman and Robin'.


Christian Bale is subtle, talented, and makes Batman human. One downside: when he talks as Batman, he sounds like Assey McGee.


George Clooney, bobbing his head up and down, delivering every line with blank, smug superiority. When he talks like Batman, he sounds exactly like Bruce Wayne, which makes you wonder why his fiends haven't made the connection yet. By comparison, Adam West's performance in the 60's seems 'nuanced'.


Joker: "You ever notice that nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrible? If I say that tomorrow a gang banger is going to be shot...or that a truck load of soldiers is going to be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all going according to plan. But if I say that one little mayor is going to die...EVERYONE GOES HYSTERICAL!"

Ask nicely, and he might even show you a neat magic trick.


MR. Freeze: "Let's kick some ice!"

Poison ivy: "I am mother nature!"

Bane: "BANE!"

Yeah, that's about it.


Infiltrate the mob, and use its resources to drive the city into pure, absolute chaos. Then, drive the city's greatest hero insane, turning him into a wretched abomination, to reflect Gotham's true twisted heart. Then burn it all, while laughing.


Steal giant diamonds to power your giant freeze ray, and then use it to freeze Gotham. Threaten to freeze other cities with your giant immovable ice gun that can't reach any other city besides Gotham...uh...and step 3 is profit.


Commissioner Gordan, played by Gary Oldman, a brilliant character actor. Gordan's cool, effective, and above all completely believable.


Robin, played by Chris O'Donnel, whose whining and angsting reach Anakin level proportions. Want to know what's really sad? He more or less carries the movie. His performance is simply the least horrible.


Rachael unfortunately pulled a 'Trinity', and apparently aged 14 years between the first and second movie. Still, she's very believable, and it's easy to see why men fall in love with her. It isn't about glamor or a huge amount of cleavage, she's just a wonderful and strong person, who honestly cares about people.


If you discount the 2 scenes with Bruce's girlfriend's cleavage (I forget the name, but I remember the cleavage, which I'm pretty sure was the point), that leaves Bat girl and Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thermon...

If I ever meet Quentin Tarantino, I'm going to ask him how he gets such great performances out of Uma. If you separate Uma's good performances from her absolutely horrible ones, you'll find all the good ones in Tanantino movies (Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill) and all the other ones worthy of the bottom shelf of the bargain bin.

Uma's absolutely horrible in this, with every scene more hammed up and ridiculous than the last. I will say that the costumes/director did make her look really good...but then she starts talking. Yikes.

Batgirl's played by Alicia Silverstone and her wandering lower lip. Seriously, if you met her in real life, you'd swear she was having a stroke. I was going to comment on her very nice rear end, but then Amber had to be a kill joy and remind me it was molded plastic. Dang it.


BOOM! BLAMMO! Big rigs overturning! Rocket launchers! Crashes! Explosions! Bat cycle! AWESOME!!!


They're getting away! Quick, let's use the Batmobile (TM) and the Batcycle (TM)! Oh no, there's ice everywhere, and Mr. Freeze is driving his Ice Tank (TM)! What will we do?

I know! I'll drive the Batmobile with snowy weather modifications (TM) while you drive the Bad Hovercraft (TM, and I'm not kidding). I sure hope Batgirl shows up on her own special Batcycle (TA...I mean, TM).


Batman saves lives, fights the police, and has two great final encounters, one with Joker and one with 2 face.


About 10 minutes in, Batman and Robin surf the metal doors of a space shuttle down towards Mr. Freeze as he's flying over the city, and you walk out of the theater.


The greatest superhero movie ever made, and the second highest grossing film of all time.


Kills the franchise and about three careers.

Why is this movie so bad? Why didn't they pull the plug and fire everyone involved, one week into shooting? Because they assumed their target audience were idiots. They thought they could sell ridiculous tripe and make a fortune. This was the result.

Dark Knight, by comparison, is a brilliant and subtle movie, with the added bonus that if you don't want to think too much, you don't have to. You can follow the movie and have a great time even if you don't concentrate too much on the characters or underlying message. You can have it anyway you like it.

I'm going to have to disagree with nostalgic people. The past sucks.

Onward to the future! ^_^

Saturday, August 09, 2008


Well, at least for a while. ^_^

We're down to the final category: Circus Peanuts!

Ever have a circus peanut? If not, imagine a super dense marsh-mellow, so thick it's almost the consistency of meat.

Now, make it banana flavored.

Now shape it like a peanut. Why a peanut? No one knows.

Now imagine yourself eating this 'candy', and I use the term candy very loosely here. It's bizarre, strange, and you might even feel a little sick.

Then you eat more. Whenever it's offered, you take it. Several companies actually COMPETE to be the one that provides this 'candy' to consumers.

You'll eat it, simultaneously hate and love it, and you'll always be ready for more, but for the life of me, I can't explain why.

That's the embodiment of this category, which can also be described by this rant:

"Oh my god! What the hell was that? I can't believe I actually sat through that movie...I give it an A-."

Going by genre, it's the movie you're glad you saw, would encourage others to see, but always watch with equal parts pain and joy. I'm not talking about movies 'so bad they're funny'. I'm talking about movies that almost make it on BOTH the 'best' and 'worst' list. Perhaps they're great movies with severe problems. Perhaps they're bad or mediocre movies that are so unique and revolutionary that watching them is almost life changing.

They're just circus peanuts.


You'll never find a more realistic, powerful and depressing Vietnam movie than Platoon. It makes 'Full Metal Jacket' look like Police Academy. Charlie Sheen actually plays it straight as the protagonist, a low level soldier in Vietnam dealing with combat, murder, fragging, suicide bombers, rape, the destruction of entire defenseless villages, stupid/homicidal teammates, and everything else that never seems to make it into mainstream war movies.

You'll never find a war movie that presents war as ugly as it truly is. The closest you probably can come is the first and last 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Imagine if the middle hour and a half of Saving Private Ryan was as dark as the beginning and end. You'd have Platoon.


What the hell is with this movie? I can't shake the feeling that the writer and director like home appliances a little TOO much.

I don't even know where to begin. A TV show where people are tortured in S&M fashion. A man trying to investigate that show. A romantic encounter with a television set. I wish I was kidding!

VCR slots in humans! Assassinations! Dismemberment! Suicide! Down with Video Drome! ALL HAIL THE NEW FLESH!

This movie should come with free therapy. Regardless, the last twenty minutes is unbelievable. Seriously, you won't believe they put that in a movie. I'm still not sure if that's good or bad.


I actually walked out of this movie in the theaters, and loudly heckled it while I was there. You wouldn't believe how slow the movie is to start. Here's my favorite scene:

COP: "Let's see the bedroom."

HERO: "Alright it's this way."

(They slowly walk into the bedroom)

COP: "So this is the bedroom."


David Lynch, of Twin Peaks fame, does not understand the concept of pacing. It's a shame I left, because I watched it again and found out that the second after I left is where the movie picks up. The pale creepy guy character is great, people transform into other people, and although it's odd and surreal, I can't say it isn't consistent. The last fight is great, although I'm not sure if it's supposed to be as funny as I thought it was. I mean, I laughed. Should I have? Who can say?


This is a more low key sports movie, focused far more on character development than success or 'giving it all you got'. The fact it's about running, and not about teams helps this. Sure, running isn't very exciting...rather boring really, but I liked it. If only the ending wasn't so depressing.

There's no way of not picking up the box and knowing what happens, so needless to say, the movie gets to the point where our hero has overcome his failure, risen himself back into the highest heights, and just as he's ready to get back into the Olympics, he dies in a random car crash.

It's sad, thoughtful, and surprisingly existential. It's about your personal best. Of course, his journey ends with his own random it might fall a little short of 'inspirational'.

This movie also proves my theory wrong about there being only two sports movies: the one where they win and the one where they lose. There's also the one where they die before the big competition. It's a powerful movie, but horribly anti-climactic.


I have to admit, this movie is definitely TRYING to be the strangest horror movie ever made, and it indeed succeeds. It starts with a standard Japanese zombie movie plot, with the guy, girl, evil criminals, secret government agents and such, but then Guitar Wolf shows up.

Guitar Wolf is the self proclaimed 'loudest rock band in the world', and dress like greasers. They immediately show up, casually grab guns, and start effortlessly killing their way through the zombie hordes, not only with guns, but with glowing thrown guitar picks and the power of rock and roll. There's even a scene where the main singer fights a giant flying saucer with a katana...and cuts it in half.

Zombies, explosions and rock and roll. If Elvis were alive, this would've been one of his favorite movies...had there not been the romantic sub plot.

The main girl turns out to be a guy. Really. They're not kidding, the character is played by a guy, the main hero understandably freaks out, but in the end realized he loves him/her/it, so a little thing like gender shouldn't matter, even though he's straight. The movie ends with them kissing, for real, right on camera, and then driving off into the sunset.

What the fuck is with this movie?


Another great movie hampered by it's own mind blowing level of depression. Being based on King Lear, a Shakespeare play, this is probably to be expected, but the movie includes more tragedy and depression than Shakespeare ever dared to achieve.

It's still a Kurisawa movie (7 Samurai, Yojimbo), so everything is top notch, but you'll be horribly depressed, and the 'funny' and 'inspirational' moments will just leave you confused. What's with the random shot of Buddha at the end? Once again, who can say?


Yes, this movie already received and honorable mention in one of the 'best' categories, but it also deserves an honorable mention as one of the most dysfunctional romance movies ever made. It isn't even intended to be romantic, and that's the heart of it.

The movie revolves around an assassin with a mild mental disability (they never go completely into it) who adopts a preteen girl after her drug dealing family is killed by a crooked cop, including her innocent little brother. She wants revenge and the assassin is helping her learn how to be an assassin, because it's the only thing he knows how to teach.

It's a touching, father-daughter relationship, right? Well, he certainly thinks so, but she falls madly in love with him. The movie includes him giving one of the world's greatest spit takes, after she tells him how she feels. He obviously never intended it, but he does love her as the daughter/sister he never had, and that's what's so disturbing about the movie. It revolves around two people, both deeply in love with each other, but each with a COMPLETELY different view of their relationship. She even goes as far to claim to a stranger that he's her lover, getting them kicked out of a hotel.

The movie ends with tragedy, of course, but before getting her to safety, they kiss (it's European so he did it in a 'family' way), but you can tell she meant it romantically. To make it worse, the actress playing her makes it believable enough...that you wonder if their own true feelings are a mirror of their character's. The older man as the fatherly protector, and the young girl as the romantic lover.

It's disturbingly sad, but it isn't too bad, considering nothing sexual ever happens. In fact, by the end, both characters truly prove their love for each other, showing that although their relationship is dysfunctional, it's no less powerful than the love shared by characters in any other romantic movie. What's that tell us about love? What does that mean for you and me?

It's a great movie about love, but you'll have to live with how screwed up our emotions can be.


Richard Mulligan plays a great sleazy down and out director, trying to make a kid's movie, with his ex-wife as the star. It never works, until he decides to turn it into a soft core porno at the last minute, just by throwing in a half hour of footage, including a topless scene of his wife, who is famous only for family movies.

The clincher: the actress playing his ex-wife is Julie Andrews. Yes, the Julie Andrews from Mary Poppins and Sound of Music, and yes, she has a topless scene in this movie...

AND IT IS AWESOME. The pictures don't really do the scene (or her) justice. I'd check out a video of this one.

Unfortunately, they decided to throw a little too much seriousness and tragedy into this movie, making you wonder what they were really trying to do. This movie seems like a compromise, with a few aspects thrown in that don't make sense. In fact, it's a perfect mirror of the movie they're making in the movie. It's a movie about itself.

It's a great concept, but it's too downbeat to really work well. It really seems like they were trying to please too many people...but dude, Julie Andrews is topless. How can you pass that up?


A movie can't only be about its ending. The ending is legendary, but the movie leading up to it is confusing, and keeps vaulting you back and forth between dark and 'kiddie'. Standard kids cartoon characters are shot dead by machine gun fire. Preachy 'hippie' values are mixed in with martyrdom, with a wacky wizard thrown in the mix.

It's a great movie, but the values are really confusing, and by the end I'm not even sure what their point is supposed to be. I think I need to be stoned to really appreciate this one.


It's almost a 'difficult to define' movie, but it's mainly just a really weird drama. What really makes it stand out, besides the honestly surprising ending, and convoluted plot twists, is how perfectly the movie portrays teenage alienation. Is the main character alone by choice, or is he trapped? The movie could mean many things, but the main theme revolves around cycles. The main character is stuck in a cycle he can't break, because facing the truth and growing up is too he keeps going around in circles, trapped in his own mind.

Unfortunately, this is all hampered by a silly plot twists that belong in a pre-teen spy movie, not a thoughtful drama. Still, the ending is nice, but I wish they kept the movie realistic.


This movie is loooooooong and sloooooooooooooooow. Yes, there's parts you like. There are parts we all love, and some great characters...along with never ending, pointless scenes and songs you keep praying will end. Remember the spelling bee? Me neither.

Just watch how long this dang movie takes to even get started! A whiny pre-teen phone conversation, another eternity to open the box, and how many times does he go back and forth, to check out the difference between his normal and cartoon self?


One of the great ironies of this movie is the most entertaining parts are the villains, and 'wrong thinking people'. By comparison, the 'good' people, who follow rhyme and reason, are all incredibly boring. That's the punchline, during the big transformation sequence at the end, we watch everything interesting about the cartoon world disappear, replaced by pointless and featureless 'good guys'. When the characters lost their flaws, they lost everything that really defined them. Hell, the night sky wasn't worth watching until the kid started to mess with it.

Following rhyme and reason just makes you boring. The best part of being a kid is being a kid. There's a simple rule for watching this movie: every time one of the 'good' characters starts talking with each other, go do something else. When a 'bad' person shows up, start watching again.

Space Balls was wrong, good is not dumb. Phantom Tollbooth proves it's just dull.


What is it with Asian movies? This movie makes Wild Zero look normal. In one scene, the actor bites into a live octopus...FOR REAL! The actor actually began munching on a live small octopus with his hands and teeth!

The movie doesn't get any more normal after that. A man is kept prisoner for something like 15 years, constantly drugged, fed only fried dumplings, and urged to keep punching the wall.

His journey to discover 'why' is painful to watch, but filled with action and a dysfunctional romance that would have been more disturbing if it were more believable. The rest of the movie is disturbingly realistic, including a fight scene between the main character and dozen people, that plays out rather well, in realistic fashion, rather than action movie fashion.

The ending involves more dismemberment, incest and murder/suicide than I like to see in movies, and my friend Brian put it best after we all watched it 'I really didn't want to see that...but I'm glad I saw it'. Old Boy represents the Circus Peanut genre better than any other movie ever could.

You'll feel worse after seeing it, but you'll be glad you saw it.

Well, that's about it, so we finally have time to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush.


She is HOT!

Go check her out in the Shining again. Check out her corset in Mother Goose's Rockin Rhyme. Check out her see through t-shirt in Annie Hall. Don't watch Popeye (it's not worth it).

Look at this picture: HOT

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go propose.

Friday, August 01, 2008


It's true enough. I forgot to include three movies in my previous lists. Two are 'almost made it' movies, and the third deserves a spot as a movie that 'almost made the worst list'.

The first movie I forgot to mention was Double Indemnity. It's a standard affair/murder plot back from the days of film noir, with great acting and suspenseful twists. As an added twist, the main character, that delves into both crime and murder is...Fred MacMurray? You might remember him as the father on the old show 'My Three Sons'. He's obviously playing against type here, and he does it spookily well. Joining him as his good natured boss is...Edward G. Robinson?! You probably remember him as the big lipped gangster that from the old crime movies. He's the gangster they make fun of in all the Bugs Bunny cartoons (Yah see...yah). Seeing them essentially 'switch roles' is amazing, and very entertaining.

The third is 'A Shock to the System', starring Michael Caine. It's a suspenseful, 'root for the bad guy' type of movie that wouldn't have been nearly as good if Michael Caine wasn't the star. He steals the show, keeps it, and then puts it on his mantle. He earned it.

The movie that almost won a dishonorable mention is 'Battlefield Earth'. It didn't quite get worst because it's so laughably bad that it's mildly entertaining. The writing is some of the dumbest I've ever seen in sci-fi, and putting it all on the big screen doesn't make any of it any less idiotic. John Travolta steals the show...which is kind of like a three legged dog beating a one legged dog in a race. Still, he's funny. I'm pretty sure he wasn't really supposed to be though, and that's what's sad.


After the first post on my favorite/least favorite movies, I realized that there's quite a few movies out there that I love, but aren't really easy to define. Comedies? Dramas? Romances? Quite a few musicals find their way here as well, because what kind of drama has the actors sing and dance halfway through? Anyway, here's the best and worst of the mutts.

Honorable Mention: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

This movie deserves a bonus as being the most faithful book to movie adaptation in history. Of course, this wasn't really a book that was ever meant to become a movie.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas follows the memoirs (and I have no doubt that this is all true, it's Hunter S. Thompson after all) of a drugged up, insane journalist and his side-kick/lawyer, Dr. Gonzo, who's even crazier than he is. Johnny Depp plays the role perfectly, and Terry Gilliam's direction is amazingly psychotic, just what the movie really needed.

What really fuels the movie is the friendship between Hunter and Dr. Gonzo, because while Hunter is more or less the same level of 'crazy' at all times, Dr. Gonzo goes from perfectly normal (when not on drugs) to dangerously psychotic. Not only does Dr. Gonzo play with guns, threaten people with knives, try to electrocute himself for no apparent reason, and bring home ridiculously underage girlfriends, but Hunter has to be the one that cleans things up...which has questionable results, obviously.

My favorite line, which sums it all up, comes near the end:

"Our only hope was that our crimes were so ridiculous, so unbelievable, that no one with the power to bring the hammer down upon us would every believe it happened."

At no point do they actually hurt anyone...but they manage to break virtually every other law on the books during the course of the movie, all in hilariously disastrous fashion.

BEST ??? MOVIE: Boondock Saints

Suspense? Comedy? Crime drama? Cop/detective movie? Action/buddy movie? Whatever it is, Boondock Saints is just as hilarious as it is action packed, and it keeps switching between two, almost completely different movies. You have the action/comedy hero vigilante movie, and then you'll switch to the police end of things, only instead of police officers trying to close in on the bad guys, they're closing in on the good guys! It's a fantastic film with strong performances from everyone involved, especially Wilum Dafoe, as the highly amusing macho, gay super-cop. I also recommend watching the deleted and extended scenes. They're all very funny, especially the scene with their mother.

The only bad thing I can say about this movie is that it skims the line separating it from a 'psychopathic snob' movie. In one scene, they kill two guys just because they're at the same place the other bad guys are (basically a sex show) and look like bad guys. I hate to break it to them, but they had more convincing evidence at the Salem Witch trials. Sure, a live sex show isn't exactly a classy place, and they were probably fairly scummy, but they could have easily killed perfectly innocent 'creepy guys'. Still, it's only one scene, and it's easy to ignore it.

As an added note, I'd like to take a moment to mention that the 'psychopathic snob' genre does not include movies like American Psycho or Silence of the Lambs. I'm not saying that all movies that have a likable villain fall into this category. What makes the movies 'psycho snobs' movies is how they're portrayed. Is their actions shown as 'good'. Does the director believe these actions are good, and should be emulated? Obviously no one expects you to act like Hannibal Lecter, Jason, Freddy or the Joker. They're bad people doing bad things. It's alright for them to be entertaining, as long as it's made very clear that the actions are not good ones.

Almost Made the List:

There's a lot of them. In fact, there's so many, the last genre will have to wait for next week.

MASH (Not much like the TV series based on it, but its gritty realism and brilliantly dark comedy makes it a great movie. All the characters are believable, and they don't tell jokes as much as they just act really silly, which comes across really well. As an added bonus, 'Radar' in the movie is played by the same actor that plays him in the show.)

Dr. Strangelove (This came really close to beating Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but just like Michael Caine, it's a very good movie that's only made legendary because of an actor, specifically, Peter Sellers. Peter plays three different parts in the movie, and they'll all leave you rolling in the aisles, especially the ex-Nazi scientist, who keeps accidentally lapsing into his old ways. A must see, but just a tad too slow to win the day.)

Shaun of the Dead (A great movie, although the balance between comedy and horror dips a little too close to horror sometimes, but it's still a brilliant and thoroughly enjoyable movie. As a side note, I'm not a fan of the 'one bite and you're a zombie' movies. It takes some of the suspense out of it. If they're bitten, you know they're dead. There's no longer any question about it.)

Project A-KO (What a delightfully bizarre anime, which like many great movies, keeps escalating as the movie progresses. It starts with teenage girls, madcap comedy and typical anime property damage, but things surprisingly escalate, with giant robots, an alien invasion, and three young girls who are way too wrapped up in their own petty fights to realize most of it is happening. Watch for the clue to A-KO's origin near the end, in the scene with her parents. The sequels weren't quite as good, but they rarely are.)

An American Werewolf in London (The balance between comedy and horror is done a bit better here, with a dash of romance thrown in. I really liked it.)

Donnie Darko (You've probably heard me rant, but this film is great. You have to watch the director's cut to really understand everything though, especially the fact that since Donnie has read the book, he already knows what's going to happen at the end. A wonderfully subtle movie.)

Sleepy Hollow (Dark and bloody, silly and scary. Like Shaun, it's a little too dark to really capture our hearts, but it doesn't detract anything from the movie itself, which is great. It takes a lot of courage to make a movie much darker than the viewers would like it to be. You always feel a little uncomfortable, and that's what makes the movie work.)

Being John Malkovich (Some movies go out of their way to be really strange, and either it works or it doesn't. In this case, it definitely works. John Malkovich plays himself, and finds out he's the center of a small universe. At no point is he glorified, as his only obvious merit is the fact he's famous. That's the point of the movie. Everyone's obsessed with him, simply because he's famous. If he wasn't famous, no one would have cared. It's a movie about our obsession with celebrities, and how far we're willing to go to become one ourselves...if only for fifteen minutes at a time.)

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (Very entertaining, and wonderfully confusing. It doesn't seem fair that 'Time Bandits' gets so much more attention than this movie. I think the problem was Time Bandits was an unexpected hit, which made everyone expect a lot from Baron Munchausen, and although I loved it, the general public didn't. Watch for cameos galore, and unforgettable fun. Of course, none of it will make much sense, or clearly fit any genre, but you'll have a good time.)

Secret of Nimh (The family/kids movie that isn't for kids, and Tim Burton had nothing to do with it. Dark, shocking and powerful, even today.)

Rocky Horror Picture Show (Perhaps the hardest to define of all. Filled with great songs, a ridiculous plot, and fantastic characters. In a sense, it's the most perfect 'Frankenstein'-like movie ever made. The movie itself is the monster. ^_^ Be sure to watch the special features, to hear all the great trashy details about its creation.)

The People Versus Larry Flynt (A painfully honest memoir, with all the highs and lows you can imagine. Woody Harrelson plays Larry Flynt, the lovable creep, to perfection. Yes, he's a sick, twisted old pervert, and yes, he has every legal right to be one. You can't help but cheer him on.)

Do the Right Thing (Spike Lee's first big movie, and definitely his best. Racial tension in a predominantly black neighborhood. It's not only about conflicting people or conflicting cultures, but conflicting mindsets. The characters from different races/backgrounds literally do not think the same way, and that's the true cause of the tension. It all comes out wonderfully, and in the end, no one is really the 'bad guy'. Shit just happens. The only question is if we choose to repeat it.)

Crybaby (Roger Water's best movie, which is kind of like saying...ah, I played that joke out. Listen, Roger Waters has made some weird movies, most of which include a 350 pound transvestite, usually as the femme fatale. His movies are strange and ugly, and this musical satire is a glorious celebration of both the weird and sensational. 'Hair' did the same thing, but I think Crybaby was better...damn there's a lot of Johnny Depp movies in here. What can I say? The man's a great actor.)

Fight Club (This movie was so much better than I expected, I would have hit the floor the first time I saw it...had I not already been on the floor. Drinking was involved. Anyway, the movie is often gross and always violent, but it manages to tell a great story, without ever dipping into the 'psycho snob' territory. None of this is portrayed as a good thing. If anything, it's a cautionary tale. Stay for the credits, and discover what the protagonist's real name is.)

Groundhog's Day (almost a straight comedy, but it dips far enough into romance and fantasy to make the cut. It would have been great in any case, but Bill Murray really carries the movie to impressive heights. A must see for any Bill Murray fan. It came close to winning, but it gets a little...repetitive. Ironic, huh?)

Groundhog's Day (almost a straight comedy, but it dips far enough...just kidding)

Rocky (Sports movie? Drama? Action? All these things and more. The first Rocky movie is incredibly solid, with a remarkable performance from Stallone. The inevitable match itself is movie history, and Stallone makes it believable, every step of the way.)

WHEW! That's a lot of hard to define movies! Hmm...I wonder if hard to define movies are my favorite genre? It's definitely possible.


Dishonorable Mention: Manos, the Hand of Fate

You knew it was coming, right? If you haven't seen this movie, you'll never see anything else like it, until you do. Filmed on a home video camera, with two people dubbing in all the voices later, a family, a building, ridiculous costumes, brides of Satan, a Satyr named Torgo, and theme music for the Satyr named Torgo.

No words can possibly describe how hilariously bad this movie is.

You know...I think it could have worked.

Hear me out, I think with the right crew, a better script, some better equipment, and a little more focus on Torgo, this movie could have actually been something...okay, it wouldn't have been great, but I can see how someone could start with the idea for this movie on paper (he was a fertilizer salesman actually) and go on to create this. What he didn't account for, was his complete inability to make a coherent movie. It isn't even consistent enough to be horror. If you mix the Exorcist with The Hills Have Eyes, throw in a dash of Zardos, and edit down to a PG rating, you'd get this movie. Why you'd ever want to is beyond me.

WORST 'WTF' MOVIE: Anything by Michael Moore

It's hard to hate Michael Moore movies without it sounding political. The truth is, I don't like Anne Coulter any better, but at least she has the decency not to make movies, and if she did, there would be genuine anger involved, and at least a little less ego.

I'm prepared to leave the politics aside. Forget whether he's right or wrong. Forget about the political issues altogether. Just imagine what would happen if he made a movie on...I don't know...puppies.

Let's review his likely steps:

1. Dress like an unpopular college Freshman. Perfect.

2. Grab a camera guy, and ambush pet store employees, interrupting them as they work. Ask all the tough questions, like 'what type of puppy is your favorite', and make sure you capture yourself in every shot. There's no reason to have the person you're interviewing more than half the screen. Edit the footage to make them look corrupt and irrational.

3. After filming yourself for a few months, add a few shots of actual puppies. Make sure you're the one holding the puppies in the scene.

4. Include a short animated film where the president stomps on puppies.

5. Run up to random politicians while they're walking through the street with their families. Demand answers as to what 'Washington' is doing for puppies. Claim the moral high ground. Have at least one shot of someone walking away, ignoring you.

6. Get thrown out by security at least once.

7. Edit the footage down to 187 minutes.

8. Make the DVD. Put a picture of yourself on the cover, wearing a giant puppy outfit. Consider putting actual puppies on the cover as well. Decide against it.

9. Win 20 awards.

10. Die. Just...die.