I'm back from Disney World! Flying was incredibly terrifying (nothing bad happened, I was just panicky in general), the rides were awesome, the entertainment and food was top notch, the princesses where HOT, and the only downside was that the inter-park/resort transportation was too cramped.

All in all, a really good time. Look for posts on Facebook for more. Anyway, let's finally finish the movie ranting up.

MOVIE RANT FINALE: HARLEQUIN CHRYSANTHEMUM REQUIEM

(What? I just tried to come up with the most ridiculous anime title I could.)


1991-1998: Meh

By far the biggest grouping of years yet, these years comprise most of my teens, and I have to say, it wasn't much of a decade for movies. Oh there were really good ones, but for every classic there was a 'Hook' (can you believe it made 300 million?!), and for every deeply satisfying tale there was a crappy 'famous actor' vehicle that wasn't good enough to stand up on its own (I'm looking at you, Forrest Gump).

1992 was almost good enough to stand on its own, with Aladdin, Lethal Weapon 3, a Few Good Men, Unforgiven, and Scent of a Woman, but it's just not...enough. Besides, I had to sit through K2 that year, which was easily the most disappointing R rated movie a 14 year old could see at the time.

1996 was also a good year for action movies, with Independence Day, Twister, Mission Impossible, and the Rock all in the same year. It was sort of a one trick pony though. If you wanted comedies you had...Cable Guy. Great.

Some of the notable standout performers:

Beauty and the Beast
Silence of the Lambs
Addams Family
Unforgiven
Groundhog Day
Nightmare Before Christmas
Mask
Interview with the Vampire
The Usual Suspects
Fargo
Men in Black
LA Confidential
Truman Show


1999-2007: 9 Years of Mediocrity

You could almost sense the beginning of the 'wave' in 1999. Star Wars Episode I was about to be released. I was graduating from Brookdale and one of my fellow graduates had the 'countdown to release' on the top of his cap.

Can you remember that? A time when the thought of the Star Wars prequels filled us all with joy and wonder? Good times, good times.

When the wave finally crashed, we not only found ourselves with two and a half hours of mediocre crap, but a disturbing new trend. For 9 years straight, hollywood...well...stopped trying.

Every movie was either a sequel, a remake, a movie shamelessly trying to become a trilogy, or a super hero movie. Nobody seemed to care about movies anymore. They were just something that 'happened' each summer.

Even the great series, like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, all seemed to become routine, and failed to excite us anymore. Strong movies like Matrix, Pirates of the Caribbean, Casino Royale, Spiderman, and Transformers, were quickly followed up by mediocre sequels that just ruined the original for us as well.

2000 was a particularly interesting year, as not only was there only a single good movie all year (What Lies Beneath), but it also seems to be the year that the Oscars got its head stuck up its ass. Remember when any movie could win awards? Now it seems that you can only win the big Oscars if nobody's seen your movie. Before 2000, there was no such thing as 'Oscar bait movies', as every movie could possibly win. Now, if you're not indie, then you might as well stay home.

If it weren't for Pixar, I'm not sure if we would've made it through most of this decade at all.

Some notable exceptions that weren't setups for trilogies, and terrible followups:

What Lies Beneath
Monsters Inc
Spirited Away
Finding Nemo
The Incredibles
The Departed
No Country for Old Men

Yup, that's it. Sad, isn't it?


2008-present: Heath Ledger sets us free

It's an absolute tragedy what happened to Heath Ledger, and worse yet, after filming Brokeback Mountain, he also went on to die young.

Regardless, he's my personal savior, as far as movies are concerned, because he finally gave us hope. In a way, the 'wave' of trilogies/remakes/crap was continuing, as the Dark Knight was yet another trilogy bait movie, but Heath managed to transcend the genre, and his part, by pulling out all the stops, and presenting us with not only the most terrifying Joker in history, but also one of the greatest villains ever.

It was this performance (and to some degree the tragedy) that saved us from the wave. With so much money from a single movie, people began to reassess 'success'. Sure, it was a superhero movie, but it was the amazing and unique performance which drew everyone in.

Of course, Ironman and Twilight caused the wave to sort of continue, but in 2009-2010, Hollywood seemed more open for experimentation, resulting in Avatar, which took the world by storm, and also more thought provoking hits, like District 9, Angels and Daemons, Inception, and more.

Even the kids movies and teen comedies (Toy Story 3 and Easy A, for example) just seemed...better. So what happened? I think I know:

People began to yearn for new and better movies. It wasn't enough to release the same crap over and over. America (and the world) wants to be 'wowed', and the box office results prove it. Sure, they may stumble here and there (Scott Pilgrim and such), but I think Hollywood gets it, so I have a good feeling that next summer will be one of the absolute...

Oh wait, they're just re-releasing all the Star Wars movies in 3D.

Never mind.

Anyway, with all these possibilities it's difficult to say which was the best for movies, but since waffling or declaring ties if for wusses, I'm going to have to go ahead and give it too...

1982

It may have been before I was quite ready for movies, and it might not have had all the hits, but this was just a great year for seeing 'good' movies. No matter what time of the year it was, you could go to the theater and see a movie that's not only on its way to becoming a classic, but is both entertaining and thought provoking as well. What more could you ask for?

Once again, some of the notable hits of that year:

Tootsie
Dark Crystal
Airplane 2
Blade Runner
The Thing
ET
Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan
Poltergeist
First Blood
Road Warrior
Conan the Barbarian

Go ahead. Grab a bucked of popcorn and take your pick. They're all well worth the price of admission. ^_^

A woman once asked me a question…okay, it was Amber…anyway, asked why every kids movie needs to have rap songs in the soundtrack.

Now, nothing against rap (being white, I’m legally obligated to not understand it, mind you, but I still appreciate its merits), but these days it seems that every non-disney kids movie needs to be crammed full of mainstream pop songs of all kinds, including rap and R&B, even if all the characters are as white as the driven snow.

So I’d like to take a moment and point the blame where it belongs: Robin Williams.

Okay, only sorta. You see, where this really began are the family movies that wanted to be family friendly, while simultaneously ‘hip and with it’. As most of you know, this combination usually goes as well as peanut butter and negligent homicide.

Regardless, if you count it as a kids movie, then where it seemed to start was in 1993 with Mrs Doubtfire. Technically, it’s a normal comedy, but it was squarely aimed at kids, and they’re certainly the ones that kept filling the theatres to see it to listen to House of Pain’s hit “Jump around”. Who can forget family friendly lyrics such as ‘if your girl steps up, I’m smacking the hoe’?

All in all, it was family friendly comedies that weren’t specifically kids movies where the trend started, but if you want to know the first definite kids movie that included rap songs in the soundtrack, from what I can tell it was The Rugrats movie in 1998, which had several rap/R&B songs in the soundtrack. Yes, believe it or not, Dreamworks was not responsible. It was Nickelodeon.

Anyway, back to searching for the best year for movies in my lifetime. One thing’s for certain, it’s not going to be in the 90’s. Man, was that a lousy decade for movies.


1990

Plenty of shameful movies here, that weren’t so much ‘terrible’ as make us wonder what we were thinking: Home Alone, Pretty Woman, Dances With Wolves, and Ghost. You see? Not so much ‘I regret seeing it’ as ‘I regret having it in my DVD collection’.

There were a few good movies, but nothing earth shattering, besides Misery and Goodfellas: there was Kindergarten Cop, Back to the Future 3, Total Recall, Die Hard 2, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (what? It was a solid movie, damn it!).


1991-1993

Can you believe that Hook made 300 million dollars? For that crapfest?! I think that movie was the record for most acting careers simultaneously impaling themselves into the ground at once.

These three years were ‘okay’ for movies. They didn’t include too made winners, but quite a few good ones, and say what you want, at least they were original. The best of them are probably Unforgiven, Groundhog’s Day, and Nightmare Before Christmas. Other hits include:

Terminator 2
Addams Family (started/revived virtually every career in the movie)
Beauty & the Beast
Silence of the Lambs (either the best or worst date movie ever)
Hot Shots
Aladdin
Lethal Weapon 3
A Few Good Men
Scent of a Woman (along with the above, it made 1992 a great year for angry speeches)
Jurassic Park
Schindler’s List
Sleepless in Seattle
The Fugitive


1994-1995

This is where Hollywood began to really get lazy. For two solid years, it seemed that every movie included the same small handful of actors, playing exactly the same roles, in what as well may have been the exact same movie, multiple times. Again, there were a few gems, like Speed and ‘Interview with the Vampire’ (arguably Tom Cruise’s best performance ever), but the movies just seem inferior to that of the 80’s, overall. A few notable mentions:

Forrest Gump
Lion King (The dreaded beginning of fart jokes in Disney movies)
True Lies
The Mask
Dumb & Dumber
Four Weddings and a Funeral (AKA Five of the Same Thing)
Clear and Present Danger
Se7en (winner of the coveted ‘most pretentious title spelling’ award)
Casino
The Usual Suspects


1996-1998

Ah, the rise of the big budget blockbuster. There were a few here and there earlier on, but this is where it really started, with Independence Day. Suddenly every summer needed a star studded movie either by Michael Bay or James Cameron, with a 200 million dollar budget, a ridiculous script, and no shame.

Oh well, it was better than the mediocrity that came out in the few years before. In 1996 the big movies were Independence Day, Mission Impossible, and the Rock. In 1997 the big movies were Titanic and Men in Black. Finally, in 1998 it was Armageddon and Saving Private Ryan.

Like the ‘bully movies’ of the 80’s, these mega hits didn’t leave much room for anything else. The few notable exceptions were Twister, Fargo, LA Confidential, and the Truman Show (the sound you hear is Jim Carrey’s career peaking).


1999

If you sense the rumbling of something dreaded approaching, it’s not just you.

This was a big year for movies…perhaps too big. All at once were a bunch of movies that weren’t exactly Oscar worthy, but regardless, drew unprecedented crowds to the theatres, and not just the teen girls that saw Titanic 20 times, no, this was everyone.

The came in hordes to see movies like:

Star Wars Episode 1
6th Sense
Toy Story 2
Matrix
The Mummy
Austin Powers 2

Perhaps it was all the big blockbusters of the previous few years, but people were now coming to the movies in droves. Imagine you’re Hollywood, standing upon the precipice of this amazing new market trend. What do you do?

Do you build a strong audience through innovation and talented creators, like in the 70’s?

Or do you just churn out sequel/remake after half-assed sequel/remake, for a decade straight?

*DUCKS AND BRACES HIMSELF FOR THE NEXT DECADE*

A man once asked me if “George W. Bush wants to go to Mars, why doesn’t he first come down to Earth?”

He asked me this, unprovoked, in line at McDonalds, six months into Obama’s presidency.

A far more sane and relevant question once asked of me was “What year, since your birth, has been the best year for movies?”

Considering it was asked in a kitchen of a good friend’s house, I’ve decided to answer this one, instead of just slowly backing towards the emergency exit.

I’m not counting movies that came out before I was two. At that age anything with flashing lights and colors would impress me…come to think of it, that would pretty much remain true until my early 20’s. Regardless, we have to start somewhere, and that place is the 80’s, starting with 1981:


1981 and 1983

Why have I included 1983 in there as well? Because they’re close together, and share something important in common: they were years with a ‘bully movie’, or in other words, a movie where one movie completely dominated the market, causing Hollywood to push off their better movies until the following year.

In 1981, that movie was Raiders of the Lost Ark, and in 1983 it was Return of the Jedi. Both fine movies, Ewoks aside, but a single great movie isn’t enough to carry you for a whole year, so we have to leave these years behind, and go on to…


1982

Now this was a fine year for movies, although not all movie snobs may agree. Oh sure, it didn’t have the 4 star critics choice movies, but looking back, it had a ton of very good ones (especially if you’re a geek):

Tootsie
Dark Crystal
Airplane 2 (you might not remember, but the Airplane movies made a ton of money)
Tron
Blade Runner
The Thing
ET
Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan
Poltergeist
First Blood (the first Rambo movie, and the only one I’m willing to watch)
Road Warrior
Conan the Barbarian

What? Okay, these aren’t exactly ‘high cinema’, but dammit, they’re great all round entertaining movies! It’s so rare to have a year with so many good ones.


1984

It was a bright and cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen…


Sorry, got distracted there. 1984 was an alright year for movies. There weren’t too many great ones compared to mediocre/bad ones, but they had Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Terminator, and This is Spinal Tap. Not too shabby, if you ask me.


1985

Ah, what a great year for 80’s movies. In fact, it’s probably the definitive year for 80’s movies. Granted, these are all 80’s movies, but this was the year with movies we’d come to define the 80’s with:

Back to the Future
Breakfast Club (I am still ready, willing, and able to rock Molly Ringwald’s world)
Clue
Goonies (ditto for Kerri Green)
Teen Wolf
Weird Science
Rocky 4 (ditto for…just kidding ^_^)


1986 and 1988

Yes, another grouping. Only this time, these were years that had a few very nice gems, mixed in with a good deal of mediocrity. It was like eating a large bowl of Frankenberry cereal, only with most of the marshmallows picked out (sorry Stephen).

Little Shop of Horrors
Platoon
Stand By Me
Labyrinth (ditto for Jennifer Connelly, but that pretty much goes without saying)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (always a lot of fun)
Die Hard
Aliens (stop watching the series here)
Naked Gun
Beetlejuice (one of the most original movies ever made, period)
Scrooged


1987

This was the year for ‘guy’ movies. Action, comedy, and horror ruled the day, and rightly so. ^_^

Okay, there’s more to life than just machinegun fire, geeky jokes, and topless women…but could you imagine a world where there wasn’t? What a place it would be.

Untouchables
Lethal Weapon
Robocop
Full Metal Jacket (stop watching when they arrive in Vietnam)
Spaceballs
Beverly Hills Cop 2
Predator
Princess Bride (not just a chick movie, regardless of what anyone says)
Running Man
Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (this and 4 were the best of the series)


1989

I almost grouped this in with 86 and 88, as it was a mediocre year for movies littered with a few gems, but it’s interesting to note that this year featured two movies that redefined their genres, and opened up the market for a whole new slew of movies: Batman and Little Mermaid.

Kids movies and Superhero movies were suddenly hot, and that popularity is still continuing on to this day (until it ends with Thor, later this year).

Other good movies include Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Lethal Weapon 2, and Honey I Shrunk the Kids (a fun movie, despite the crappy sequel).


Well that’s it for the 80’s, which all things considered, was an excellent decade for movies. What comes next?

Pain.

Pure 90’s flavored ‘PAIN’.

The Old Future


Ah, another month gone by, lost to incessant typing at work, and it's time to force the twisted, malformed claws that were once my hands to crank out another blog post. Good times. ^_^

I've been watching some old sci-fi movies and TV shows, and one thing that intrigues me is the 'old' future.

I'm talking about the future from three or more decades ago, when everyone had laser guns the size of toaster ovens, wore jumpsuits, and fought against the dark forces of the universe while sporting mullets.

Not only is it goofy, but it's a lot of fun to see how things match up to the way real life turned out, especially when a simple invention from our own present could have literally solved most or all their problems in a heartbeat.

Here are some of my favorite examples:


Time Chasers

YEAR: 2050

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Kids with cell phones.

SUMMARY: Nevermind that the secret for time travel is kept on eight floppy disks (that's the soft 5in disks), but the future is basically just like today, only with more colorful clothing, and kids using cell phones. That is, until the main character, a time traveling buffoon, accidentally turns it all into Fallout 3.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Going back and killing the main character's grandfather. I think it's worth a shot.


The Jetsons

YEAR: The faroff year of 2002

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Futuristic Flintstones, only with robots and sliding floors instead of dinosaurs.

SUMMARY: The curiously empty (where the hell is everyone?) future is inexplicably far up in the sky, and everyone is moved around on giant conveyor belts, or in personal space ships, both of which look like the worst death traps ever imaginable.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Hand rails


Star Wars

YEAR: Long, long ago...in the future

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Cross Dune with Buck Rogers, Muppets, and 70's hair cuts.

SUMMARY: Cowboys/Samurai/Monk/Bene Gesserit heroes destroy evil/nefarious/villainous/Orwellian dickbags, through the power of the force/hope/magic/love/blindly wandering from scene to scene without planning or communication.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Twitter


Star Trek

YEAR: 2264+

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Amazing handheld devices that allow them to communicate with each other from long distances away (but not see eachother or take pictures), comfortable jumpsuits, and lots of alien sex.

SUMMARY: The crew blindly teleports down to a planet without sending any sort of probe, lose one member of their team to killer aliens, discover their their phasers are useless, and then karate chop their way to universal peace.

*As a side note, I'd like to add that in one episode of Star Trek Next Generation, Riker vaguely remembers an incident similar to the one they were currently having, and Data agrees to research it. The time it will take to do the research? 7 hours. Can you imagine a world where it took 7 hours to find basic information? Here's how that'd go in present day:

RIKER: "I remember some other incident in the past similar to ours. I need you to research it in the computer. How long will it take?"

DATA: "Seven hours."

RIKER: "You're fired. Jordi, could you..."

JORDI: "Already got it."

*

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Cell phone cameras and Google


Space Mutiny

YEAR: 2000...something

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: Space ships that run on Commodore 64s, psychic strippers, and sets remarkably similar to modern breweries.

SUMMARY: Strong heroes and treacherous villains do battle in an old abandoned factory while riding tripped out zambonies. Eventually the villains are shot, and fall over railings, to their deaths.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: Better railings, and any form of transportation that's far more quick than a zamboni, including golf carts, Segways, or walking.


THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8th DIMENSION

YEAR: The near future

THEIR VISION OF THE FUTURE: the 80's, only more so

SUMMARY: Brain surgeon, rocket scientist, 80's rock star, and master samurai 'Buckaroo Banzai' takes on evil aliens that look like fish-men, and have names like 'Big-Booty'. In his spare time, he blows the world's mind with amazing world changing invention, rocks out mid-80's style, and romances Ellen Barkin.

SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS: a better looking girlfriend

Play it, Sam

I've been gone for a month because I've been doing nothing but type at work, and my hands look like Dumbledore's in the last Potter movie.

So instead of a full post, I'm going to cut and paste my 100 all time favorite songs. I recently assembled them because I want to see which I have, and which I need to get through iTunes.

To keep it from being just Dubliners and They Might Be Giants, I'm putting a cap of 6 songs at most from each performer.

Feel free to judge my worth as a human being from the list:


Silent hill theme, Akira Yamaoka

Killing me softly, Aretha franklin

God only knows, Beach boys

Sabotage, Beastie boys

Ballad of john and yoko, Beatles

Black bird, Beatles

Come together, Beatles

Penny lane, Beatles

Ticket to ride, Beatles

Godzilla, Blue oyster cult

These times they are a changin', Bob dylan

More than a feeling, Boston

Meanwhile rick james, Cake

Surrender, Cheap trick

Lady in red, Chris de burgh

Run run rudolph, Chuck berry

Bad moon rising, Creedence clearwater revival

Have you ever seen the rain, Creedence clearwater revival

Come on eileen, Dexy's midnight runners

Cover of the rolling stone, Dr. hook and the medicine show

Anything, anything, Dramarama

Black velvet band, Dubliners

Dirty old town, Dubliners

I love him the best, Dubliners

Mcalpine's fusilliers, Dubliners

Rocky road to dublin, Dubliners

Hotel california, Eagles

Wonderful tonight, Eric Clapton

More than words, Extreme

Smile for me rose marie, Flying machine

Whole lotta love, Frank zappa

Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz

Boston and st johns- live, Great big sea

Pulling muscles from a shell, Head automatica

Let her cry, Hootie and the blowfish

End of the tour, Hotel lights

White rabbit, Jefferson airplane

All along the watchtower, Jimi hendrix

Purple haze, Jimi hendrix

Ring of fire, Johnny cash

Suicide is painless, Johnny Mandel

Dust in the wind, Kansas

Jenny was a friend of mine, Killers

When you were young, Killers

Kashmir, Led zepplin

Stairway to heaven, Led zepplin

Mack the knife, Louis armstrong

Whiskey in the jar, Metallica

Enter sandman, Metallica

One, Metallica

Smooth criminal, Michael jackson

Thriller, Michael jackson

Never had to knock on wood, Mighty mighty bosstones

Riders on the storm, Moody blues

I am I said, Neil diamond

Bizarre love triangle, New order

Don't speak, No doubt

Don't look back in anger, Oasis

When a man loves a woman, Percy sledge

Comfortably numb, Pink floyd

Money, Pink floyd

Shine on you crazy diamond, Pink floyd

Us and them, Pink floyd

Wish you were here, Pink floyd

Whiter shade of pale, Procol harum

Another one bites the dust, Queen

Hammer to fall, Queen

One vision, Queen

Seven seas of rye, Queen

Somebody to love, Queen

Under pressure, Queen

End of the world as we know it, REM

Mothers little helper, Rolling stones

Paint it black, Rolling stones

Under my thumb, Rolling stones

Sound of silence, Simon and garfunkel

Tonight, Smashing pumpkins

Still remains, Stone Temple Pilots

Santeria, Sublime

Head over heels, Tears for fears

House of the rising sun, The Animals

Monday Monday, The Mommas and the poppas

Don't stand so close to me, The Police

Lie still little bottle, They might be giants

Narrow your eyes, They might be giants

Put your hand inside the puppet head, They might be giants

Raincoat, They might be giants

Spiraling shape, They might be giants

They'll need a crane, They might be giants

I think we're alone now, Tommy james and the shondells

Xmas eve/ sarajevo, Trans Siberian Orchestra

With or without you, U2

Moondance, Van morrison

Blister in the sun, Violent femmes

Gone daddy gone, Violent femmes

Buddy holly, Weezer

Only in dreams, Weezer

Yoda (live version), Weird Al

All she wants, Wham

Gone til november, Wyclef jean

RETAIL WAR JOURNAL

Still not gritty enough for the major studios? Hmm...or perhaps this war journal is simply TOO gritty.

If the commercials for 'Avatar' have shown me anything, it's that people love watching mind blowing, awesome near disasters. Perhaps a more 'modern war camera shaking while the heroes run towards the viewer' approach is necessary.


LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: Part 3


Dear...OH MY GOD! RUN!

I know you're reading this at home, but I don't care! RUN RUN RUN!!!

My God, they're coming at me from all sides! Lunging up and and down the aisles, crying, whining, and asking a never ending supply of ridiculous questions!

I do my best to race down the aisles safely, with return cart in hand, but with each aisle there's another parent thrusting their newborn children face first into oncoming traffic.

I narrowly avoid another stroller, and begin to wonder how 'intentionally' these strollers are being blindly thrusted forward. All I'm saying is that they DO sell life insurance policies for toddlers. It's a possibility.

Racing down the appropriate aisles, with the PA system blaring out automated orders, as enemy fire (and by fire, I again mean stupid questions) flies by my head, narrowly missing by inches. All I have to do to make it to my section is get around...a lady...

To say that her ass was huge, would not convey the orbiting monstrosity that laid before me. Sure enough, she was bending all the way over, and taking up enough space to fit two full grown men with her posterior alone. I crept, like a trooper crawling by barbed wire, knowing that even the slightest touch would be...awkward and weird, to say the least.

Barely making it by with my life, I nearly smack face first into a...person. A person of a...gender, of some sort, I suppose.

"How may I assist you...uh...misssssst..."

The 'thing' mercifully cuts me off. I hear them talk, but still have no clue what gender to associate with them. They're roughly 16-17, with black feathery hair, a slim figure, a high pitched voice, and a vaguely masculine face. My gut said 'guy', but their hands were the most feminine I've seen on a grown human being, male or female.

I quickly excuse myself, knowing that the slightest misspoken word could end with their emo friends (mix of men and women, so no help there) stomping the ever living sh*t out of me with their Hot Topic boots.

I can only pray that either way, that person never winds up in prison.

A bossy, yet friendly mom casually stops to ask me a question, and I gladly...I mean 'quickly' avert my eyes from her chest. The initial glance revealed that 'they' were not only huge and all but exposed to the world, but also covered in a giant, black 'bird-like' tattoo.

Did I mention that her large, 'biker' husband was about eight feet away?

They also had an adorable daughter in the cart, who was wearing...DAMN IT! Caught a glimpse of the mom's chest again, bad Max! It doesn't help that her tattoo makes it stand out even further, which was probably her intention, but at the same time I didn't think her Hells Angel husband would think the same way.

The buxom mom proves to be my savior, by asking if we have a product up in overstock.

"Oh! Overstock UP THERE? Ah, allow me to look UP THERE to see if there's anything..."

Barely avoiding a metal bat to the head (if 70's biker movies have taught me anything), I avoid a few more lunging strollers, and reach another mom, this time with a cheerful teenage daughter.

They ask a few questions about the fashion accessories, and all goes well, right up until I notice the daughter's stomach.

It's the same problem all over again, only this time with a twist. Despite being 13-14ish, I swear to God, that girl was pregnant. She was even doing the lifetime original movie thing, wearing about three layers and a flannel shirt, as if to cover it...but no, that round belly usually meant only one thing.

I stayed cool. Perhaps I was wrong. After all, everything else seemed to be normal...bizarrely normal. Did the mom not know? How the hell could she not know? If I was the girl's father, I sure the hell would have said something!

Or perhaps they didn't think much of it. I could just imagine...

"Okay honey, you can have the fashion design play set, but no more toys until after you have your illegitimate child, and we go on Springer. Then you can get the Barbie nail salon."

I feared for my life as never before, knowing that a single question or comment would be the end of me. All I needed was a distraction.

Ah! A man over here needs help, perhaps I can help this Hasidic Jewish man instead. He was obviously Hasidic/Orthodox Jewish in appearance, although that didn't mean...

"Oi, these prices are so high! How could they charge so much?"

Oh no.

"Are they any cheaper, discount items on sale?"

I bit my lip.

"These discount toys aren't crumby are they? I want to get a good deal on this."

Why must you test me, oh Lord?

Nearly collapsing from the encounter into uncontrollable (yet very guilty) fits of laughter, I mercifully got called away to the manager's office. The woman in HR showed me a paper that everyone had to sign.

It was entitled: BLOGGING AND SOCIAL NETWORKING POLICY

Oh no.

"You see, we need our employees to agree not to say or write anything on the internet..."

I've been made.

"...that might cast the company in a negative or embarrassing light."

I'm screwed.

"That also goes for comments that may cast the customers in a negative or embarrassing light."

Game over, man! GAME OVER!

"Just sign here."

With the best poker face I could muster, I took the pen, and signed my scrawl.

Lord protect us all...

(Squad Sgt Max went missing in action shortly before this letter was aired, although evidence suggests he suffered a vicious attack from a giant giraffe-like creature wearing a red shirt)

MAX'S WAR JOURNAL PART 2: THE PROFITING


Hmm...I can only conclude that the lack of offers from the major media outlets is a result of my journal being far too light and cheerful. No, they obviously want something a little darker, and grittier.


LETTERS FROM THE FRONT: PART 2

*distant sounds of helicopters in background*


I can't believe I'm back in Saigon...and by Saigon, I mean Toys R Us...in Saigon. They swore it was the closest Toys R Us to Freehold, New Jersey and I was too blinded by loyalty to question it.

Retail is war. Worse yet, it's the only form of war where you're required to be polite to the enemy.

Oh yes, retail is war...and war is HELL!

And hell is PURGATORY!

And purgatory is a LONG WORD!

The screams of the kids still echo through my mind, their cries of 'Zuzu Pets' still haunting my soul to its core. The only thing more haunting is what I knew they'd do in order to get one. I shudder at the thought.

Every now and then a rookie asks me a question, as if I'm in charge, not knowing that I was just as clueless as they were as to the purpose of our mission, or the best course of action. I try not to get attached to the rookies. Most of them won't last even a single day out here in the thick of the action.

They just canceled our leave, unexpectedly. The automated announcement over the loud speaker that told us we were closed were quickly followed up by the voice of the assistant manager, assuring the customers that the message was in error, and we would be open for several hours yet.

The groans, curses, and death threats that followed from the staff are all a part of working retail, and every associate goes a little insane from it all.

Last night my mind broke at around 10:30, resulting in my development of a new skateboarding trick: you ride at top speed towards a long metal pole (like a lamp post), leap up into the air, spread your legs wide, and then pass straight through the metal pole, groin first. I call it the 'Kobayashi Maru'. Or better yet, the 'Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru'.

My insanity is more low key compared to some of the others. Some hoot, some holler, some hit on co-workers less than half their age (I'm looking at you, Kathy), and one guy even ran past me yesterday, hunched over and grabbing at his groin, while not making a single sound.

Others are merely mutinous, resulting in a fair bit of anarchy. Every day I find more and more hidden piles of toys. You could blame it on the customers, but I saw the same items earlier in the day in the 'return carts', waiting to be put back on the shelves. Someone might just have to frag their asses.

And by frag I mean...actually, I just mean frag. No analogies here.

Last night I stumbled upon another pile of returned goods, stuffed towards the back of a shelf. With a low grumble I yanked it out, and found it was a Zuzu pet playset.

MY GOD! MY LIFE WAS IN DANGER!

Any moment a hundred screaming, raving customers would be lunging for my throat, and clawing at the box in my hands. By the time they'd be finished, I'd be little more than a shred of meat stuck to a pile of bones.

For all purposes, I was holding a live grenade, with the pin already pulled out, and making cute hamster noises.

In a crazed rush I lunged towards the front, hopped on a skateboard, and unsuccessfully performed the Ko-BOOYAH-shi Maru on a six foot stack of 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos'.

The resulting distraction allowed me to ditch the dreaded robotic hamster playset on the front counter.

I'd survived. Another day down, and fourteen to go...


Seasonal Sales Associate, Robert "Maxcat" Freeman

(Robert Freeman died three days later, in a skateboarding related tragedy. His family has asked that all donations be forwarded to Will Shatner)