Saturday, September 16, 2006


The tortoise and the hare. Everyone knows this classic tale. A race is set up (for what reason is unclear) between a tortoise and a hare, the race starts, the hare gets way ahead, the hare decides to take a nap and the tortoise wins! The moral: slow and steady wins the race.

No it doesn't.

Slow and steady has never won the race. Can anyone recall a famous runner whose strategy was 'slow and steady' taking the gold? Bronze perhaps, but the gold? Are naps standard practice within footraces? What kind of idiot takes a nap during a race? If we actually set this race up, regardless of the time or distance of the race, as long as the rabbit doesn't die of old age, that bunny's going to win it 100 times out of a 100. Slow and steady gets its reptillian ass handed to it by the rabbit, and you know what? That rabbit can even take a nap if it wants. It just doesn't matter.

A better analogy would be a race between a cheetah and a horse...and what the hell, let's throw in a tortoise as well, just for good measure. The race starts, the cheetah bolts far ahead of his opponents, goes a few hundred yards, collapses into a coughing, wheezing fit, leaving the horse to easily breezes through the finish line just as the tortoise finally reaches a full yard past the starting point.

Fast and steady wins the race. This not only applies to racing, but to every other form of competition as well, even intellectual and business related ones. Going steady is a good idea for everyone. That should be the real moral of the story. Slow only wins if fast is incredibly stupid. That cheetah could have walked the entire race and still have taken second. Or 'really slow and stupid people shouldn't compete', that's another good moral as well.

And with that premise firmly in mind, I now present to you a few classic fables and their REAL moral:


While a grasshopper lazily relaxes during the summer, ants work hard and get enough food to store up for the winter. Winter comes and while the ants eat, the grasshopper dies.

Now, first of all, those ants aren't going to live to see the winter. The average life expectancy of an ant is 45-60 days. A grasshopper can live 4 months or so, but if it's summer, he probably won't live to see much of winter in any case, and the ants aren't even going to make it through fall, although they're a collective and have entirely different motivations from the grasshopper in any case.

Now, I know this isn't the point of the story, so let's assume they're people. The question really should be: is the grasshopper and the ant happy. Those ants are working like slaves so they can survive a winter and in the spring work like slaves again. Sure, the grasshopper's going to die, but he lived happy and free for a while, had good times, and now it's coming to a close. Would you rather live 40 years as a free vagabond or live 80 years of hard manual labor? The choice is yours. Of course, the grasshopper may have only had to do a little work in order to survive and if that's the case, than he's an idiot.

REAL MORAL: Every choice in life has its consequence OR Don't be stupid.


Farmer has a goose that lays one golden egg a day. The farmer wants it all at once, so he cuts open to the goose to get the eggs, and finds none inside.

REAL MORAL: If you're going to be a farmer, then actually know something about farming, geese, how many eggs are normally inside a goose, and how much the goose must weigh in order for there to be several golden eggs inside it OR Don't be stupid.


A fox has a ton of friends, but when the hounds come, they all abandon him. The official moral is: those with many friends, have no friends.

This one is actually correct, but it doesn't explain why. In reality, if you spread your time amongst many people, than you never spend the time developing any strong relationships. The fable doesn't explain this, however, and just shows the poor fox get turned down by the horse, bull, ram, goat and calf...wait, why is a meat eater friends with a bunch of herbavores? You know, I bet they all got together, realized that the fox is going to be making snacks of their kids when it gets hungry, and then hired the hounds to bump him off. Also, the fox only asked five animals. Is that really too many friends? How many should you have?

REAL MORAL: Animals are dicks OR Don't have more than four friends.


Ox does all the work, heifer laughs at him, festival comes and the heifer's killed while the ox gets to live.

Well, here we are back at the 'work versus play' story. In this case though, the roles of the animals have already been defined for them. The ox and the cow didn't have any choice in the matter, so I'm not sure what Aesop thinks we're supposed to do with this one. It's not like the cow or the ox could have chosen to switch places, and even if the cow did work, they still would have killed it at the festival. Everyone ultimately has to pull their weight, and if someone is allowed to goof off and not contribute, it's certainly not going to last.

REAL MORAL: Sometimes our roles in life are decided at birth and we just have to live with it OR Don't worry, that asshole will get theirs.


The mouse pulls a pin out of a lion's paw for him, and then they become good friends. Aesop's moral: it's good to have small friends.

REAL MORAL: If you're not useful, you will be eaten.


A lion and a bear fight for a kid (I assume they mean a young goat, but who knows), pass out from exhaustion and a fox jumps in, grabs the kid and runs for it. The lion and bear than realize that sometimes you do all the work and than someone else gets all the profit.

And...what? What do we do with this moral? The only solution I see is killing every fox you come across. Sure, it may seem funny that they steal and get away with it, but soon enough you'll be the one who suffers. I don't think this is Aesop's point though.

REAL MORAL: Shit happens OR Kill all foxes


These stories are basically the same. A man tries to please everyone, and he winds up pleasing no one, or a man wants to make his daughters happy but they want opposite things. This is pretty much spot on, although I'd revise the moral slightly.

REAL MORAL: Screw those jerks.


A fox can't reach some grapes, and so convinces himself that they must be sour, so he doesn't feel bad about losing them.

REAL MORAL: Well...there wasn't much of a moral to begin with really, except that self deception...exists. Yes, it certainly does exist, Aesop. Well spotted.

If that fox hadn't deceived himself...he still wouldn't have gotten the grapes, and he'd want them once more. Wait, let's try this again.

REAL MORAL (TAKE TWO): Self deception is your friend.


A fox lies injured, covered in blood sucking flies. A hedgehog (in a rare Aesop's fables appearance) stops by and offers to help, and the fox declines, saying that if those flies leave, than flies who haven't gotten any blood yet will drain him completely, and that the flies presently on him will only cause him to drop all his rings, which he will than regrab, and than allow the hedgehog to hold onto him as he flies up to the higher platforms, and than together they will reach the picture of the evil scientist before time runs out.

REAL MORAL: You have to press down while standing on the spinning platform in order to get through Carnival Night Zone.


A serpent accidentally scratches himself against a metal file, and attacks it, breaking his fangs. Aesop's moral: It's pointless attacking the insensible.

REAL MORAL: Don't punch walls when you're angry. Your wife/girlfriend/mom will get mad, and eventually you're going to hit a stud one of these days OR Don't be stupid.


Boy cries wolf, pisses everyone off, real wolf comes, boy cries wolf, nobody listens, and boy gets eaten.



A chimpanzee is rescued by a dolphin, and on the way to shore, the chimp starts shooting his mouth off, acting like a big shot, and the dolphin knows he's lying, so he leaves him out there to die.

Doesn't that seem a bit harsh? Sure, the chimp was an ass, but the dolphin straight out killed him for it, 'Lifeboat' style. Isn't this the kind of thing that happens in horror movies? Guy in car picks up stranded guy. Guy he picked up says something that annoys him. Guy in car kills the stranded guy for it.

REAL MORAL: Don't mess with that dolphin, man. He's crazy.


The dog is fat and content, but the wolf is free and happy. It's better to be free than safe.


Didn't we have a grasshopper and cow die for choosing happiness over hard work?!

What is your deal Aesop?

I mean, this isn't just any moral you're contradicting here! This is the moral you keep restating over and over: do your job, keep your mouth shut and everything will be alright. Now you've done a complete Chauceresque 180 on us and want us to abandon our secure jobs in order to gain the freedom that you warned us not to take!

What should we do?! Should we be an ant securing our future through hard, than we wouldn't be free and happy, so we should be free and happy like the grasshopper...and die in the winter, just like that we should have security like that ox and dog...and never have the freedom of the wolf...


REAL MORAL: Silly animal stories aren't going to solve your problems.


Life sucks. Deal.


Don't be stupid (the swiss army knife of morals).

So until next week, remember:

"We can be knowledgable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom."

- Michel de Montaigne

Saturday, September 02, 2006


The power keeps going out. There's nothing I hate more (okay one thing, following people in cars) than having something I've written wiped out. Therefore, I'm going to post a few things I've posted on the questionswap forum.

I've even ended it with a letter I sent the creator of a 'fake' questionswap (used .net instead of .com), that intended to create an identical site, drum up advertising from people believing them to be the original site. I was downright merciless (in an ineffectual saturday morning supervillain kind of way).

Enough blather! Here we go:

Q. if leopards COULD change their spots, what shape or pattern do you think they'd change them to?

United Kingdom

A. Predator camouflage. Wouldn't it be awesome to have a chameleon-like giant killer cat? You're walking to your car, pull out your keys, and


Leopard. It was invisible, sitting on the roof of your car.

The more I think of this idea, the more I like it. They'd probably mess with us too, looney tunes style. You know, removing a door, holding a doorhandle in their paw and then making themselves look like a door. Under your desk at work. Or they could go really advanced and look exactly like your briefcase/backpack.

The possiblities are nearly endless, but it's all just in fun. I mean, Leopards are stupid. Just about all animals are. So if they could change their spots, they'd probably change them into

Q. where are you right now

United States

A. I'm right behind you.

No no. Don't look. That'll just spoil it.

Besides, if you look, then I'll simply be standing where you're not facing as of then.

I'm breathing on your neck now, ever so gently.

I'm reading over your shoulder as I slowly...wait a minute.

The screen isn't at questionswap.

This isn't you.

Where the hell am I?

Did I just break into a random person's house? Am I stalking for virtually no reason? That just takes the fun out of it. I mean, here I am trying to be a creepy super stalker, and now I'm just some freaked out whack job.

Man, now I'm depressed. Maybe I could still freak them out by...nah isn't worth it. I guess I'll just raid his fridge.

So to answer your question, I'm raiding a fridge in Freehold, New Jersey after committing breaking and entering for virtually no reason.

Here, let me double check my notes and...WOW! I was way off! You're nowhere near here. Sorry about that! I'll try harder next time.

See you tomorrow.

Q. fairtrade or not fairtrade?

United Kingdom

A. That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler allowing poor to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end poverty?
To defend: to control;
No more; and by an act of socialist market control to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that a world market is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To defend, to control;
To control: perchance to heal: ay, there's the rub;
For in that control what healing may come
When we have shuffled off this capitalist coil,
must give us pause: there's the respect
that makes calamity of so long a market system;
for who would bear the whips and underpayments of the oppressor's wrong,
the proud man's arrogance,
the pangs of lacked security,
the law's delay,
the insolence of upper management and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes,
when he himself is used like a complete tool, without any means to better themselves, and to be treated like livestock,
to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of being even worse off then they are,
the downward spiral into poverty the loathed country from whose bourn, almost no traveller returns,
puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
and thus the native hue of resolution
is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action.

Q. ahahaha the guy in the car chase was a fat black guy. awesome.


A. Really? Or in a movie?

The only fat black guy in a car chase I can remember in a movie was Ghost Dog and Lethal Weapon 3. Of course in Ghost Dog it wasn't so much a car chase as following each other in cars slowly (Vertigo style) and I'm not sure if Danny Glover counts as fat. I mean, he's a little pudgy, sure, Mel Gibson even makes a joke about it, but fat? Probably not.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're watching COPS, which makes the fact the guy in the car chase was a fat guy even more hilarious!


The inevitable chase on foot afterwards! His car crashes, he wobbles out and makes his way down the road in lumbering stomps. The cops walk up to him. He makes a mad dash for a house. The cops stop, have a small conversation and a quick smoke. The guy makes it halfway to the door. The cops stroll over to him. The criminal almost has a finger on the doorknob. The cops let themselves in through the back, give a through explaination and apology to the owners of the home, make it to the door just as the criminal is halfway through the door, and then gently roll him back to their car. After a few failed attempts they'll send for a larger car, and the announcer will says something along the lines of:

I guess he'll be...blah blah blah blah...IN JAIL!

Q. 310345458045

United Kingdom

A. 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45.

No question? Aw, that incredibly huge number there looks kind of lonely. No words, no question mark, heck not even any commas between the numbers. It's sad enough to drive a man to sing.

310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number you will ever do...

Two can be as bad as 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45, it's the loneliest number since the number 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45...

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know...

Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know...

Cause 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number that you'll ever know...

310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number even worst then two...




I, Blompkin, as a faithful user of the original questionswap, hereby challenge your puny website (not you, just the website) to a martial arts tournament to the death! Your band of feeble heroes are nothing compared to the awesome might of my ninja army of robots!

That is to say, they're robots who are also ninjas.

No, not like the foot clan in the ninja turtle cartoon, those were robots dressed like ninjas...or guys in purple hoods and second hand clothing.

No, these are the real deal, robots who are not only actually dressed like ninjas, but whom have also undergone extensive training in the art of ninjitsu, to turn them into veritable killing machines!

Actually they were already killing machines I suppose. I honestly got them in a bulk lot from Comedy Central after Battlebots went off the air. I superglued the ninja outfits to them and trained them in stealth, which was hard given that they don't have electronic brains or anything.

Indeed you are correct, that doesn't sound possible at all, but trust me! These are the real deal! They hunt, assassinate and disappear without a single trace, save for tire tracks and an incredibly loud whirring noise!

Okay, I've got to level with you. They aren't really ninjas. They're just dressed like them. I hot glued katanas to their sides. No, they can't swing them. They're controlled by a bunch of geeks that came with the robots as a set.

Regardless, I'm sure these robots are more than a match for your pathetic forces!

Right? Your forces aren't a match for my robots right?

I hope not, I got really ripped off on this deal.

Speaking of rip-offs, please come up with your own damn idea for a website.

I'll be in my ready room.