Saturday, November 25, 2006

Well, at least Merry loves me. ^_^

As for the rest of you, I guess I'll just have to up the ante with the controversial remarks in order to get more comments:

With the exception of Great Danes, all dogs are ruthless killers, trained by ex-KGB agents. Laugh if you want, but you won't be laughing when Wishbone snaps your neck like a stalk of celery while you're asleep.


Q. If you could put anyone you wanted in any position within the government, who would they be, and what positions would they have?

A. This question has the potential to become the largest and most epic of all time...if I actually had any faith in politics.

Oh sure, I vote, but as far as I'm concerned the real power is with the parties, not the individual candidates, and the reason the parties are powerful is because they know exactly how to work the system to get what the want, which is usually to have the public vote for their party again in two years.

No, whoever I posted to the positions of high power wouldn't actually be able to use any of that high power. Oh sure, I could raise great ex-presidents back from the dead using powerful dark necromancy, but my lawyer has advised me that the public consider raising the dead 'morally and ethically ambiguous'. We're trying to start a necromancy revival by showing loops of Thriller on VH-1, but that could take weeks.

Besides, a lot of the power of those ancient statesmen came from their parties, or only worked in that particular era. Too bad, as I'd love to get James K. Polk back into the game. Now there's a president that could achieve his goals!

Excerpt from parting address

...and so my fellow Americans, as I take my leave, and my presidency comes to a close, I ask you to look to our nation's new western neighbor...THE PACIFIC OCEAN! BOO-YAKA!!! [Kicks Spanish embassador in crotch]

Good times...

Anyway, since I have no faith in the system, the only real impact my choice would have would be on entertainment. To put it more clearly, the question comes down to: who do I want to see on the news every night?

Just think of it, you could turn on the television right now, at any time of the day or night, and see the president waving, giving a speech or answering questions...okay, our current president hasn't been answering many questions, but he's got waving and speeches down to a science...a very repetitive science.

Who would I want to see up there? No question about it, Tim Curry.

The man never fails to entertain, and he's responsible for the success of Clue, Rocky Horror Picture Show, the underrated Oscar, the 'desperately in need of a revival' Duckman, the 'in need of just a little more respect than it has now' Muppet's Treasure Island, countless stage productions, and also some of the worst TV shows/movies known to man.

Yes, he's been in a lot more awful movies/shows than good ones, but that's exactly what I love about him. Just as a show gets absolutely terrible, and I'm desperately clawing for the remote, Tim Curry swings in and saves the day! His list of movies/shows/games personally saved include, but are not limited to: the Gabriel Knight Series, Frankenstein: Through the Eyes of the Monster, Ferngully, Legend, Loaded Weapon (okay that still would have been funny, but he sure helped), Home Alone 2, Charlie's Angels, and virtually every kid's show ever made!

There's no one I'd rather see in the drab and played out part of President then my favorite Mad Scientist Butler! Will he be creepy, yet approachable like in Oscar? Will he be formal and zany like in Clue? Will he march to the tune of 'Hail to the Chief' in full drag?!

Okay, I hope he won't do that last thing...we don't need to see that...still, I'll certainly be watching the news more often! I can see him standing there with his wife...

Oh wait, he isn't married. He can't go Buchanan, he needs a first lady! I'm going to go ahead and pick that too...let's see...Lucy Liu? No. Dolly Parton? No, but closer than you'd think. I love to hear her talk, but if she won she'd be doing a lot of singing, and I'm not a country music kind of guy.

No, I'm going to go with Katey Sagal, who may or may not be the oldest woman I want to sleep with (I have neither confirmed or denied this). Katey's known best for her roles as Peggy Bundy on Married With Children, Leela on Futurama, and a very awkward stint on 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.

I can see it all now! Tim Currey's getting ready to go perform on broadway when Katey stomps in holding the speech to that night's press conference. Where did she find it? In the trash!

By the way, I fully expect to see all of this on the news, play by play.

So anyway, Katey's furious and tells Tim that he can't do the show, when who should spin into the room with a wacky plan to do both the play and the conference in the same building, with president Curry running back and forth from both? Why it's our very own vice-president...MARK HAMILL!

They proved themselves a great team in the Gabriel Knight series, and the role of Vice President hasn't been hammed up properly since Quayle! Enough with the Gore and Cheney, we need a VP that can keep us rolling in the isles. Besides, he was Luke Skywalker for Christ's sake, that's got to count for something!

[Re-watches Star Wars Episodes 1, 2 and 3]

Okay, maybe it doesn't count for as much as it used it, but still, he never fails to entertain, and there's nobody I'd rather see beside our president as he hastily sheds his Spamalot outfit and rushes to give the big speech while unknowingly still wearing his King Arthur helment!

Then, after the third season...I mean, third year of presidency, when things start to go slightly stale, that's when Curry and Hamill's rivals come onto the scene: Presidential candidate Christopher Walken and his Vice-Presidential candidate William Shatner!

Hmm...we could always reverse the order...but I'd probably rather hear Walken give a creepy monologue on the importance of foriegn policy, civic duty and his desire to drive directly into oncoming traffic than watch Shatner rap.

The unlikely pair should give Prez Curry and VP Hamill a run for their money in the midterim election, but an incredibly wacky misadventure reveals their opponent's corruption, but by then their opponents had already gotten a lot of votes, so when the votes are all tallied, they discover...


Both sides got exactly the same number of votes! The Supreme Court unanimously decides that this means both men must SIMULTANEOUSLY be president! Two presidents and two vice presidents! Oh how will this end?!

Tune into the news every single night, or CNN at virtually any time of the day to find out!

I give it eight seasons! (Nine if there's a war)

[EDIT: Upon further review, Carol Cleveland, the Monty Python girl, is the oldest woman I want to sleep with. She'll be starring in double roles as both President Curry's Chief of Staff, and a French maid.]

Sunday, November 12, 2006

What, no love? I've gone two weeks without any comments. Hello? Anyone there? Fine! I'll just have to say something completely controversial in order to get everyone's attention. In just one moment, the comments section will be aflame with all out war! Here we go:

Ketchup killed more people last year than Hitler!

Your move, America.

Pat's Question

Pat was a little vague as if this was his question or not, so he might get a second one if he asks nice:

Q. What bad habit/hobby (by society's standards) has served you best in life?

A. Oh, no question about it: gaming.

Now, roleplayers don't get struck by the canes of elderly self-righteous malcontents as often as they used to, but it's happened to me. Not actual smacking, but an older woman once came up to me in college and asked me if the roleplayers "Pretended to kill eachother" or "Acted out killing eachother" or "Acted out murdering innocent people", but I was able to set her straight with a firm and definite, "Sure".

Okay, I probably didn't do the gaming world much a service that day, but we generally don't need it anymore. We've become as mainstream as Pokemon and Mario thanks to Wizards of the Coast (the best thing to ever happen to D&D, with THACO as my witness).

Roleplaying, outside in the yard or at a table with dice and paper, has a distinct advantage over videogames in that it forces you to talk and socialize. In fact, if your GM is a good one, you HAVE to socialize or you'll have to live hand to mouth with combat experience only. The fact that I was usually running the games forced me to be even more social than normal.

Of course, gaming always involves talking to the same people...or does it? No matter who you game with, every few weeks or so, someone's going to bring along a person you've never met before, who might me *DUN DUN DUN* a girl! Now, this is no problem at all now, but if you go back to myself as a teenage boy, this is a serious situation!

The trick is, especially with running the game, I had to play characters who had no trouble talking with people I didn't know. Even if I could hardly go three sentences without cramming my foot into my mouth, my characters had to or they wouldn't work as characters. My characters had to be relatively smooth and charming, so in a sense, I had to become smooth and charming as well...okay, at least when compared to how I was beforehand.

Now, after years of gaming, I can easily have long, drawn out, witty Oscar Wildeian (without the gay pedophelia) conversations with anyone, attractive members of the opposite sex included. I can even write the word 'sex' in my blog without blushing. Hot diggity dog!

Roleplaying helps in the business world as well.

Okay, now let's all step back a moment and carefully examine that last sentence. Do not use this sentence out in the real world. No, not even in a bar. No, not...well okay, you probably could say it during a geeky gaming session, but otherwise this is the kind of comment that is restricted to the magical world of blogging.

Nevertheless, roleplaying helps in the business world as well. In fact, the business world is a lot like a roleplaying game, when you come right down to it. Everyone wants something, and you can gain rewards and experience by giving it to them. Sometimes you have to perform a series of actions. Other times you have to give them a quest item. In the deeper, more noteworthy roleplaying games (it's impossible to overpimp 'Planescapes: Torment'), you can complete the quests by selecting the right replies to their statements, gaining more possible replies depending on what you've done and how high your ability scores are.

Need an example? I thought so:

"Good morning, Mr. Blompkin C. Clockwise."

*Handshake, strength check 15*

"Nice grip! Now, if you'll just have a seat, we can begin the interview."

*Sits, opens inventory, uses resume on interviewer*

"Thank you...and may I say how neat and orderly this resume is! It's almost as if you have a tremendous amount of expereince with writing positive descriptions of yourself and your abilities!"

*Asks carefully planned question based on internet reseach from the night before*

"Why yes, we have at least fourteen of those! What an incredibly thoughtful question! Now, let me tell you about the position..."

*Listens to flavor text, checks for clues and key words*

"Do you have any questions about the position?"

*Restates key words in the form of a question and then remarks thoughtfully upon them in a shameless attempt to gather bonus experience*

"Yes, but only in the Buffallo and New York offices. Here we'll only be working with the standard versions of the software. Now, do you have any experience through your past jobs with this kind of work?"

*Recount the glorious epic that was your last job, complete with convenient ommissions and shameless self pimpage*

"Really? How does that last part connect with what we do here?"

*DAMN IT! Exaggeration spotted! Think quickly on feet and come up with plausible explanation*

"Hmm...I see what you mean."


"Oh and this is my secretary coming in now. She'll be sitting in with us for the interview."

*Shakes hand with attractive secretary while being careful not to look at her chest. Treats her with respect, without blushing.*

"Great! Now, if we could just continue with the interview. So what's your opinion on 'incredibly technical jargon'?"

*Pieces together as much as possible from memory and gives a decent answer*

"Really? I thought they didn't do that anymore."

*ARGUE THAT...wait! Arguing with the guy in charge just slows things down, possibly cuts at experience and never solves anything! Instead accepts that they might be right, thanks the reviewer for informing him of this, mentions that they'll have to check on that after the session just to be sure, but immediately follow up with an amusing, yet relevant anechdote involving a past experience that directly ties into both the topic and at least one of the buzzwords previously used in the flavor text*

"Wow! That sounds like exactly the kind of thing we do here!"


"Is there anything else you feel you can bring to the company?"

*Unveils secret weapon: the incredibly geeky level of knowledge on computers, technology and the internet, that all true gamers possess!*

"Excellent! Excellent to hear...oh, I see you worked at the same place the last applicant, 'Min-maxing jerk' did. Did you work much together?"

*Despite tremendous amount of desire to tear worthless ex-coworker apart, it is well known that back-stabbing is never appreciated by the powers that be, even in a competitive environment. Good teamwork is always better rewarded...but the min-maxing cockbite may have stabbed you in the back, or may do so later, so makes mental note to watch for secret meetings and notes being passed between him and the interviewer later, but as for now, mentions that they were on different teams, and then casually changes the subject to one of the buzzwords previously used*

"I am impressed! Out of curiosity do you play..."

*Prays that this isn't about golf*

"...World of Warcraft?"

*SCORE! Exchanges WOW anechdotes...and goes for the coup de gras: Asks if he has stairs in his house.*

"I am protected."

*I am so in*

"Mr. Clockwise, it is my pleasure to inform you, on behalf of our company, that you are so in."


"Uh...Mr. Clockwise?"


"If you could please..."


"That's quite..."


"Please stop."

*...uh...admits getting a bit carried away...apologizes*

"That's quite all right. Here's your packet on employee benefits."

*Shakes everyone's hand, fights off instinctual urge to hug secretary unless she tries to hug him first (an important lesson for all male gamers), inspects loot, and then takes the insurance related documents to the HR department to have them identified*

Saturday, November 11, 2006

For everyone who reads my blog and heard about my mother's accident, she's doing perfectly fine. Nothing was broken or severely hurt, and she's home and on pain killers right now. Long story short: a woman in an SUV ran a red light and plowed right into her. The car is more or less totalled, but again, Clare's fine.


Q. What does mean mean?

- United States

A. the tricky part of this, is I can't really use the word 'mean' in my answer, or we get one of those stupid dictionary definitions that go something like:

Ironic: adj.- To involve a large amount of irony

NO! This answer must me ridiculously complete! Oh, and I know she isn't referring to mean as in cruel, so we'll avoid that copout. Now, here we go!

Mean: The meaning of...


Mean: The word mean means...

Oh for the love of...TAKE THREE!

Mean: The word mean...has a definition of being...a word that lets us know...the true nature of a word, object or event...and may also be used to refer to the true nature of a person's speech and intent...within the context of MEAN MEAN MEAN MEAN MEAN!!!

DAMN IT, I CAN'T HELP IT! HOW THE HELL DID WE EVER LEARN THIS WORD WHEN WE WERE KIDS?!!! Read the above definition right up to my inevitable breakdown. Did that make any sense? NO! Would a kid understand that? I BARELY UNDERSTAND THAT! would I explain this to a kid?

"Okay, Billy, today I'm going to teach you the word: mean. No, no, Billy, not mean as in angererd, but mean as in 'meaning'. What's the word 'meaning' you ask? Well, when we don't understand a word, or what another person is trying to say, we ask what the word 'means' and what another person 'means' by what they say. We want to understand the word, but what we really want to understand is the word's meaning. 'Meaning' is what the Max, dig deep now, don't cave in) what the word truly is, so when you asked what the word 'mean' is, I had to tell you that mean is what a word is.

Yes that is proper grammar Billy, now please don't talk back or question me unless you want the flat end of a shovel across the back of your head."

WHOA! Where'd that come from?! Man, sorry Billy! I guess I'm just a bit sensitive about this issue. Still, that's about the best I can do:

Mean: verb- what a word is

I know what's coming next, so as to avoid any unnecessary Clinton jokes:

Is: verb- a nature of a subject's true existence and/or definition

Yeah, I know.

Existence: noun- to be real, or what is real about a subject

Real: adj.- to actually exist and not be imaginary or false

Okay, now the hard one.

Definition: noun- the mea...(NO NO NO!)...what a word is...(STOP STOP STOP!)...the true nature of a word.



Not good enough, little Billy? Very well.

True Nature: noun- *shovel across the back of head*

What? I warned him. He had a knife. You saw it!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some digging to do...which leads me to recommend the 'Shovel' as the next Clue weapon! Just one swing and you're ready to dig in one easy step! No muss, no fuss!

Ta ta!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

OUCH! What a week! I'll leave out the depressing details and just go on the record as saying I'm fine now, although a bit woozy and disoriented.

What do we do when we're woozy and disoriented? POST!


I'm letting my gaming group, and anyone who reads my blog and is interested, give me questions. I've been assembling my random work in progress 'The Menig of Life' and I realized I'm just about done. Included is a lot of questions I've answered over the internet (with a lot of thanks to, but I'm a little bit shy of a 100 questions. So, I'm giving the gamers and readers a chance to ask whatever ones they'd like, one a piece (if I go over a 100, I'll just get a rid of a few of the weaker ones I already have).

Amber's already given hers, and its a doozy, and one very close to my heart. Most of my answers fit on one page, but I think I might go a bit over that this time:

Q. Tell me, once and for all, who killed Mr. Body, where and with what?


A. Oh boy. I was born to answer this question. First of all, I'm incredibly obsessed with Clue (Cluedo for those in the UK), ever since I first saw the movie when I was eight. For...good God...twenty years (I'm old) it's been one of my all-time favorite movies.

Secondly, there are people on the internet even more obsessed with Clue then I am! There's a stage play, and Rocky Horror Picture Show-like shows where they play the movie while simultaneously having actors play it out underneath the screen. In past years they even had some of the original cast! How could I have not have heard of this?! I'd like to thank which contains a ridiculous amount of information about the board game.

Thirdly...did I make a post about the movie? I think I did. Oh well, that's for another time.

Fourthly, let's not dwell on the movie. The movie is merely an intpretation of the game, and if you want the definitive answer, we have to go to the game.

The problem is, in the original game, we know so little about any of the characters. Many versions of the game have many differences. Newer versions even have bios of the characters, but they're contradictory, so let's stick with the original.

I'm an Agatha Christie fan at heart, so I believe everything hinges on the characters. How the murder was committed...wait, can't they tell? You'd think they'd be able to tell just by looking at his body...unless the body is stabbed, shot, bludgeoned and strangled in order to confuse the evidence, or the body was destroyed beyond repair (thrown into the furnace or something). In any case, when we figure out who did it, then their personalities should tell us where and with what.

Mr. Body: The victim. He's rich and almost certainly an older man. He's the kind of man who has a Ball Room and Billiard room, so he most likely entertains a lot, or has in the past. A Conservatory in the house, but no gardener, suggests that he himself gardens. The fact that there's both a study, a library and a lounge suggests that he's an avid reader. This paints the picture of a man with a very active past who is coming to the later years in life, and finds he now has to bring the pleasures of the world to himself. These kinds of men, like the Great Gatsby, often makes questionable friends.

Mrs. White: His maid, who is apparently married, or a widow. Most likely she's a widow who's filling the void in her life by acting as a maid rather than retiring. Mr. Body might have left her something nice in his will, but if she dies first, she'll never get it, and never get the chance to experience the true pleasures of life. The poor woman doesn't realize that she probably merely needs to ask, and he'll give it to her. Instead she might be driven to a darker deed, and what better time then at a party, filled with more likely suspects. Likely weapons: knife, revolver

Col. Mustard: A military man, usually portrayed as an English 'big game hunter' type, and these types have a long history of running out of money. A military salary isn't up to supporting a lavish lifestyle, and although Mr. Body probably keeps him close for his wealth of experiences and stories, Col. Mustard most likely stays close for the lavish parties, fine foods, and to borrow money. He doesn't seem likely to receive something in a will and Mr. Body doesn't seem the type to squeeze him for something owed, but what if after a few too many drinks, Col. Mustard told Mr. Body something that had happened during the war, that could ruin the Colonel and horrified Body. What if Body refused to give any more money? What if Mustard got angry? He most likely killed in a war, so what's one more enemy? Likely weapons: knife, revolver, wrench, lead pipe (I think he would have found the candlestick a bit too feminine for his tastes).

Miss Scarlet: A classic femme fatale type, and the most likely of the women to have killed Mr. Body in a fit of anger. Is she a plaything of Mr. Body, or is she merely trying to be so? I imagine her coming to the party with one of the other guests, most likely Mrs. Peacock or Mr. Green. Was her advances rejected by Mr. Body, setting off a fit of anger? Does she believe she's in his will? Miss Scarlet is also the most likely to have a stranger, darker motive, such as being an illegitimate child of his, or at least claiming to be so. Miss Scarlet seems to be both a grifter and a blackmailer, and overall she's the most mysterious of the guests. Likely weapons: knife, relvolver, candlestick, lead pipe (the wrench would seem a bit dirty and unfamiliar, but the pipe could be well hidden though, so hard to pass up)

Mr. Green: Who is Mr. Green? The most mysterious of the men, in Cluedo, and later editions of Clue, he's a dishonest man of the cloth, who uses scripture to help scam the rich, but in the early versions of the game he just seems to be a large, middleaged businessman. There's much to suggest he's involved with illegal practices, and even quite a bit to suggest he's involved with the mob. In any case, he's most likely not trying to get more money out of Mr. Body, but trying to cover something up out of fear. Has he been stealing from Mr. Body? Is Mr. Body about to discover his fraud? Being an older man, it's possible that he's in business with Mr. Body. Is he trying to hide something, or is he merely a convenient scapegoat for someone else? Mr. Green is most likely to be the person who was framed for the murder, if he didn't commit it himself. Likely weapons: Almost certainly the Revolver, but knife, lead pipe, and candlestick are possible.

Mrs. Peacock: The high society woman, Mrs. Peacock is probably the least suspicious of the suspects, unless there's something about her past with Mr. Body that infuriates her. She cares about her position in society, but her secrets are most likely embarrassing, rather than ruinous. Perhaps she's an old flame of Mr. Body who is infuriated by seeing him with young women like Miss Scarlett, but if that's the case, wouldn't she kill her instead? Another possiblity is that she's related to Mr. Body, needs his money badly and wants to get at what's in his will...or perhaps she's afraid a young flame like Miss Scarlet will get him to change his will altogether. Likely weapons: revolver, knife, wrench (a remarkably unladylike weapon, but it would draw suspicion away from her and onto one of the men).

Prof. Plum: A professor of what? Later references suggest Archeology, but who knows? He's usually portrayed as too young to have been a professor of Mr. Body's or a fellow classmate, and although he might be there because of Mr. Body's love of books, he seems far too young to be a notable scholar. More likely Prof. Plum has some new, revolutionary theory that makes him noteworthy and got him an invitation to the party. What if Mr. Body has a very old and rare book that proves his theory wrong. Mr. Body might have thought that Plum would find it interesting, but this might have caused Plum to flip out. Mr. Body may also fund the man's projects, but if Mr. Body dies, the funding will surely stop anyway. If Plum did it, it was in a sudden fit of insanity, which means he most likely would have used whatever was sitting around. Likely weapons: knife, candlestick, wrench

Now, you may realize that no one is using the rope. Why would they? Using a rope to strangle someone is not something one of these women would have the physical strenght to use on a full grown man or know how to even tie for that matter. One of the men could have used it, but they could have used their bare hands just as easily. No, I'm discounting the rope.

I'm also discounting the hall and the conservatory. There's too much of a chance they'd be seen or heard. Even a lunatic in a fit of anger would have waited for a more private location, or a room without so many windows. This leaves: the kitchen, study, lounge, library, billiards room, ball room and dining room. Now, in order for Mr. Body to have been murdered, he would have had to have been alone with the person for a secret meeting, or completely alone and the other person walked in on him. Mr. Body doesn't seem to be the type who would stay alone at a party, so let's assume he had a private meeting with a guest. Where would they go? It depends on the guest.

Col. Mustard would either be the billiard room or lounge, as he has no interest in the more academic rooms and dinner's long over. Mr. Green would talk business, and Mr. Body's business papers are most likely in the study, although the library and lounge are possible. Prof. Plum would almost certainly be in the library, but the study is possible. Miss Scarlet would be in a private, more comfy room, most likely the lounge or the ball room (who knows, they might have been sharing a private dance). Mrs. White is an older woman, so she'd try to catch Mr. Body unprepared in an area he's accustomed to seeing her, most likely the kitchen or dining room. Mrs. Peacock, if a murderer, is a highly manipulative woman, and would have asked him to come to the room that they're least likely to be seen in and be occupied during a party, after dinner, either the kitchen or dining room.

The scenarios are coming together:

Col. Mustard was having a quiet chat with Mr. Body and then suddenly KILLED HIM! Who knows why, and it could have been in anger. If it was in the billiard room or lounge, where they likely had their meeting, then the wrench and candlestick don't make much sense, as neither would be there. No, Mustard is a proud hunter and soldier and would have used his own weapon, and even the knife seems a bit feminine for his tastes. No, it would have been his own revolver, which no one knew he had. If it was planned, he would have done it in the lounge, pulled the body into the secret passage, covered it up as best he could and return nonchalantly back to the party. If it was spur of the moment, it was probably during a game of billiards, so the gunshot probably wouldn't have been muffled and he would have had to dart into the library, where he would most likely see Plum, whom he would use as an alibi.

Miss White would have asked Mr. Body to step into either the Kitchen or Dining room for a moment, as both were most likely empty at the time, and then used one of the kitchen knives to turn him into an impression of the world's largest piece of swiss cheese. She knew about the secret passageway and have dumped his body there for a moment, cleaned up the kitchen (even if someone walked in, seeing the maid clean up a bloody knife and mess after meat was served at dinner is not that suspicious) and then deposited the body somewhere at her leisure. She would have had years to plan this, and the revolver seems more of a spur of the moment type of weapon.

Prof. Plum would have certainly been in the library whether or not he was with Mr. Body, as parties most likely aren't his kind of thing, which means no one else could have killed Body there. They meet, Mr. Body good-naturedly shows Plum that everything that Plum's worked for is a lie, and so Plum freaks out, grabs the nearest weapon, which would most likely be a decorative candlestick, and bash Body's brains in. Plum would continue to freak, dump the body in a random place, perhaps throw it into a fire to try to destroy it, and then go hide in a corner somewhere.

Miss Peacock, tearing up, quietly begs Mr. Body to see her somewhere private. Where? Why a secret passageway of course! What could be more secluded then that? Okay, so it has to be in a room, so it'd be room that has a secret passageway, namely the kitchen. He convinces her to step off toward the entrance of the passageway, reaches into her purse, and with her other hand, hands him a photograph. He looks at the photograph intently, which allows her to pull out the wrench and smash his head to pieces. While she's near the kitchen, she takes the time to destroy the body in the passageway, making it look like the most grisly murder possible, and deposits it in a random part of the house.

Mr. Green can't meet privately with Mr. Body in the library because that geek Plum is there, and the study leads to the kitchen, where he's likely to run into Mrs. White if he pops out. No, this is happening in the lounge, which is a strange place to commit the murder during a party, but Mr. Green knows about the passage, and who's going to be in the conservatory at this hour? They talk, there's a revelation, and so Mr. Green grabs a pillow, hands it to the confused older man, presses the revolver against it and then pulls the trigger. Green packs up the papers and goes through the passageway. Someone finds the body, screams, leading everyone away from the study, where Green dumps the evidence into the fire, discards the gun, and then nonchalantly walks to the scene of the crime.

Miss Scarlet invites Mr. Body to the ballroom, either as a romantic interest or a as the daughter he never had. Either way, Mr. Body can't possibly pass up a private slow dance with the lovely lady. Perhaps she even has a record player playing in the background. They're alone, they sway together pleasantly and the old man relaxes. Then, for some unknown reason, she pulls out the knife from her sleeve, and stabs him in the back of the kneck, Agatha Christie style. She holds him close, and pulls him over to the piano cover that's neatly folded up in the corner of the room. She wraps up the body and dumps it out a window, to destory or tamper with at her leisure. Perhaps she even tears up a little. Who knows, she may care for the old man. At least it was quick, and he was happy when it happened.

So who dunnit?



Just kidding, it was...


Wait! What's happening?




Oof! Curse you! I won't let your evil scheme...


Holstered Kill Bill 2 style! 5 point...




OUCH! My shins!


Ha! I unloaded it!


OW! OW! Stop hitting me with that! HELP!


HA! I've got the rope!


I've got you now, bound and defeated! Let me just turn the lights back on and see who the real culprit...Mitch?


ME: What the hell are you doing here? You couldn't have killed Mr. Body!


ME: What?

MITCH: Where?


MITCH: Why slash how?

ME: You tell me!

MITCH: This is just my weekly attempt on your life, man.

ME: Oh.

MITCH: Is this like, about that Clue game or something?

ME: Uh...yeah.

MITCH: So which guy did it?

ME: None of the guys did it.

MITCH: Really? How ya figure?

ME: Plum doesn't have the ability to even walk into a room without stumbling over himself or losing his papers. There's no way he could get away with a murder.

MITCH: Green killed him in the movie.

ME: Yes, and he certainly could have done it, but a party was no place for it, especially not when he'd be the main suspect. No, he'd probably make it look like a burglary or an accident. The middle of the party was not the time or place.

MITCH: What about the hunter guy?

ME: Mustard is a very proud man and soldier. He's far more likely to sock Mr. Body across the face. As a soldier, I think he's also a private man, and a hidden corner of a party wouldn't be the place, not with other people around, he's too smart for that, but not smooth enough to pin it on someone else. Overall he's probably the second most likely person to have done it, but a hidden corner of a party is not where a real man kills someone.

MITCH: What about a woman?

ME: Now you're catching on, but not a loyal humble maid. Besides, Mrs. White would have had a thousand better times to do it, and poison, fake burglary, or a trip down the stairs would have been the means. A fancy party is the kind of place only a flambouant drama queen would commit a murder.

MITCH: She needed an audience.

ME: Now you're getting it! She needed to get him into a private place...

MITCH: It's all coming together...

ME: ...appear vulnerable...

MITCH: ...and then get him when he least suspects it!


MITCH: ...WAS...



ME: Ye...what? No.

MITCH: Yeah, and she probably brought the old man into the bedroom...

ME: There isn't a bedroom.

MITCH: Then they undress and she mounts the old tycoon...

ME: Ew, he's like 70.

MITCH: Then as the action heats up...

ME: For the love of God, stop.

MITCH: ...and she reaches for the icepick!

ME: That isn't even a weapon!

MITCH: STABBINATE! So it was Miss Scarlet, with the icepick in the guest room, otherwise known as the MPHMRPHPHPH!

*Finishes tying up and gagging Mitch*

There, problem solved. Now where were we?

Oh yes, Mrs. Peacock did it.

Sure, Miss Scarlet probably had the means and a motive, and might even have quite a sinister history, but where's the patsy? Do you really expect me to believe that Miss Scarlet would have done this alone? Col. Mustard and Mr. Green would have each made the perfect fall guy, and either would have been incredibly easy to rope into a murder scheme, especially when the promise of hot love with the young Miss Scarlet would have come as part of the package. Besides, she'd need a man to easily move Mr. Body's body around. Miss Scarlet may very well have murder within her, but like all classic femme fatales, she'd get some poor disposable sucker to do it for her.

No, it's Mrs. Peacock. The silly and harmless high society woman who Mr. Body somehow pushed too far. Women like her are either born into luxury or make their own way in the world, hand over fist. Given the other strange people at the party, Mrs. Peacock isn't as nearly entwined into high society as she lets on. No, she has quite a bit, but she's earned it, married it or swindled it, and in any case has fought to keep it. Now, the biggest cash cow of them all, her old friend/relative/lover Mr. Body, who has promised a substantial part of his will to her, has become involved with a common tart, Miss Scarlet. Perhaps Mrs. Peacock sees a lot of herself in Scarlet, when she was young. Another vulture is trying to swoop in on the prize that Mrs. Peacock has waited so long to get. She could eliminate her, but there would be others...

No. She fought for that prize, long and hard. It would be hers. Nothing could take it away from her.

Don't try to deny it, Mrs. Peacock, as we only have to look at these bank records. The deposits from Mr. Body into your account have shrunk over the past direct proportion to the amount by which Miss Scarlet's has grown. You were furious. You should have seen it coming though. Deep down you probably knew it was coming. You've been here before haven't you?

Not a different man, but a different time, only you were the young lady, and another woman was the older woman...specifically, Mr. Body's original wife. A man like Body is only single at this point in life (and I know he's single, otherwise his wife would be a suspect, even if she was far away) if he's a widower or if he's gay. The fact the lovely Miss Scarlet is here suggests the earlier rather than the latter. Yes, he's had many women on the side. His first wife either died or left him, and in either case I'm sure you're responsible...but despite all the flings you had together, he didn't remarry you.

Why? Who knows. Perhaps he became jaded to marriage, or he felt no one could replace his wife. Now it's your turn to leave, only when you go, you'll get nothing. After all those years of closeness and random flings, which despite your best effort didn't produce any illegitimate children to use against him, you're going to have nothing. After all, he gave you a fortune over the years. It's not his fault you spent it.

You didn't see it that way of course. You got mad, and with the same furious genius that allowed you to get rid of his first wife, you got rid of him too, with his will completely intact and unchanged.

You say I have no proof?

*Max picks up a small manilla envelope market 'CONFIDENTIAL' and then looks inside*

*Mitch holds his breath expectantly*

*Max looks at the cards and then smiles*

Officers...take her away.