Friday, December 19, 2008

It's amazing how neglected your blog becomes after you get a girlfriend

That about sums it up, really.

Oh, and I've given up looking for awesome band names. The winner, hands down, was 'Face Daggers' (special thanks to Garret).

Now I'm looking for horrible band names. It's not merely enough to be gross, inappropriate or obscene. No, in the music industry that can be a plus. I mean names that could actually be possibly used at some point, and not bad enough to be ironic, like:

Grey Matter

Helen & Hubby

Business Casual

The Tampa Bay Tabbies

My Name is Love

Aren't those atrocious? Hey! That's another good one:


God, you can barely say it without getting a bad taste in your mouth.

All that aside, I've come up with something, and I don't care if none of it ever gets used, I'm having too much fun working on it.

What could be more intense and dangerous than exploring ancient ruins, facing evil necromancers, and slaying vicious dragons?

Being in high school, pretending to explore ancient ruins, face necromancers, and slay vicious dragons.

It started as a joke on Fark, under the 'rejected RPGs' topic, but I'm running with it....


I'm also considering the title 'Victims and Virgins' (the original Fark title), but that might be a little cruel.

Basically, you play one of a group of nerds, geeks, rejects and losers at a local high school, with the overall goals of gaining the best geek loot, becoming the 'Alpha' of the herd, maintaining a relatively high level of popularity (possibly even as high as 'sorta liked'), all while desperately reaching for the ultimate goal...going on an actual date.

There are no hit points, as even the highest level geek can pretty much be dropped by a single punch from a normal person, but death is never a way out. No, you'll be forced to live through every indignity with nothing besides your geek stats and Thaco score to help you.

The six basic geek stats, which you roll 4d6 (dropping the lowest) are: SPAZ, FANTASY SPORTS, LINUX, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT, ROLE PLAYING, and LEET SKILLZ.

In all honesty, none of these skills have any real impact on much of anything, besides 'geek duels' where you compete with your fellow geeks. In many cases, having a low score can be a good thing if you're trying to be 'popular'.

Geeks can't actually fight, but if they could, it would be with the SPAZ stat. Slap boxing, jumping up and down, flailing your arms about, and threatening to throw a friend's 1st edition Mox Ruby down the garbage disposal are all covered by this stat.

FANTASY SPORTS is the measure of the geek's encyclopedic knowledge of sports. They might have no clue how to actually play them, but they sure as hell know who they want in their fantasy team. This stat can also act as a 'diplomacy' of sorts with jocks and normal people, as against all odds, they did watch the game last night...on the internet.

LINUX is the geek's computer knowledge, and also how well they use the internet. It doesn't cover Linux exclusively, but that's what separates the small puny boys from the small puny boys who aren't slaves to Micro$oft.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT is a geek's measure of pop culture trivia, and a good indication of how well they'd do in 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' (right up until they're asked about anything pertaining to the real world). Like FANTASY SPORTS, it can be used as a diplomatic skill of sorts, with the more preppy, gossipy crowd.

ROLE PLAYING isn't just about how well they roll the dice and fudge saving throws, but also how well they can perform, understand others and bluff fellow classmates. Of course, it only seems to work well when the situation is somehow to Monty Python.

LEET SKILLZ reflects your ability to pwn nwbs, get head shots, scream into a tiny microphone, and pay $15 a month to get your ass kicked by a South Korean kid. It also covers a geek's general skill at physical activity...that doesn't involve much running.

Honestly, they won't come up much in the real world, not unless the geeks want to try using them (which usually isn't a great idea). There are only five basic skills that really have a meaningful impact on life, on a regular basis: SCRAMBLE, TALK TO GIRLS (BOYS if the player is a girl), PIRATE, and NINJA.

SCRAMBLE is the ability to run away and escape, or at least not be the 'slowest' of the herd.

TALK TO GIRLS/BOYS is self explanatory. It's not just what you say, but also how you say it, how much you stare at their breasts, and if you pass out or not.

PIRATE is the act of breaking the rules/law. It covers getting away with activities such as jimmying open lockers, picking pockets, pirating music, smuggling contraband, grabbing the last cookie, lying to authority figures, sneaking a 5th lightning bolt into your deck, and smoking with the 'bad kids' out back.

NINJA is the act of sneaking, hiding, and disguising yourself. Depending on the situation, it might also include major feats of agility by geeks tandards, like jumping a three foot gap.

The last stat is THACO, or To Hit Anything 'Cept Zilch. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Geeks actually have a change of hitting people in a fight. It starts at 20, and goes down verrrrrrrrrrry slowly. This is what you have to roll to hit anything that isn't a fellow geek or an office toy. This is no guarantee that the hit will do any damage, or that the geek has any chance of winning the fight, but stranger things have happened. Two things, exactly. Of course, geeks can always improve their odds by fighting really dirty.

You play one of the following classes. I'm working on the rules (as I said, it's just for fun), so I'm just listing the basic concepts, strengths and weaknesses. The 11 basic character classes are:

Goody 2 Shoes

Good at fantasy sports, but bad at Leet Skillz. Covers yearbook editors, over achievers, members of the honor society, and anyone who reads during lunch. They're undeniably good at getting out of trouble and getting others into it. Popular with the teachers, but no one else. Examples include Lisa Simpson and Hermione Granger.

Scaredy Cat

Slightly less geeky than his fellow companions, these timid geeks are masters of avoiding bullies, dangers, life experiences, and anything fun. Examples include Screech, and Woody Allen.

Red Headed Step Child

Even geeks have the equivalent of 'black sheep' and social pariahs. These geeks tend to be good with computers, but bad at convincing the other geeks that they're anything besides a loser. Of course, this often makes them more sympathetic in some eyes. Examples include Dilbert and Charlie Brown.

Drama Queen/Butch

I'm not saying that these geeks are gay. In fact, they're often incredibly straight. In any case, these geeks are either guys who sing showtunes and collect Barbie dolls, or gals who like flannel, working with their hands, and cutting their hair really short. They tend to be great at role playing, but poor at Linux (regardless of gender). They may have no real chance of landing a date (for obvious reasons), but their empathy with the opposite sex is incredible. Examples include Milhouse and Peppermint Patty.


Be it a comic book, anime, movie or 80's cartoon, this geek has seen it, rated it on his blog, and written a fanfiction about it. They're great at Arts & Entertainment, but poor at fantasy sports. A bit more shameless than the other geeks, but many normal people find them funny. Examples include the Comic Store Guy from the Simpsons, and Fanboy from Freakazoid.


Of all the types of geeks, the Freaks are the most likely to win a fight. Of course, the method they used (textbook, #2 pencil, and class pet) will probably get them suspended for a week or two. These are the kids later described as being 'such a quiet kid'. They're great at spazzing out, but not so good at roleplaying, or actingb human for that matter. Examples include Ralph Wiggum, Cartman, and Dennis (do not sit next to Dennis).


Gamers have the best Leet Skillz, the worst connection to the real world (measured by Arts & Entertainment), and are the most likely to try something crazy, as long as they saw it done in GTA4 (please don't let the media know they're right). They try to offset their incredibly poor athletic ability with ridiculous amounts of competitiveness, coupled with a powerful caffeine habit. Examples include Gabe & Tycho, Yahtzee, and anyone that knows who any of those people are.


There are geeks, and then there are GEEKS. You don't have to be Japanese to be Otaku (although for some reason it helps). Any nationality can be well versed in every geek stat, at the expense of having absolutely no ability to socialize, and possessing a stench that will ultimately get the authorities involved. Examples include Travis Touchdown, and Otakon from Metal Gear Solid.

Pathetic Follower

Some people are born to lead and others are born to obsess over the people who lead. Less geeky than most of the other geeks, or at least nowhere as geeky as they wish they were. Still, they're more likely to have a good career and girlfriend later, at the expense of all their individuality. Don't worry, it's not like they were using it. Examples include Meg Griffin and Kyle Broflovsky.


Not every geek necessarily deserves to be one. Every once in a while someone's pants accidentally fall down, or they get a boner when standing in front of the class, or a dog runs up to them and pees all over their leg. At that point their social life is more or less over. Until they go to a new school, there's nothing left to do but hang out with the geeks. They aren't particularly good at any of the geek skills, but they're pretty good at most of the regular skills. In other words, they're more or less normal. Pity the poor fools. Examples include Dante from Clerks, and Wil Wheaton.

As for the 11th type of geek...well you tell me. What have I missed? What archetype isn't covered here?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go finish some of the rules and roll up a 1st level Teacher's pet. ^_^