Saturday, April 11, 2009


Ah, there's nothing quite as invigorating as a Spring concert, especially when you know with absolute certainty that you can easily destroy 99% of the audience without even breaking a sweat.

It's welcome compensation, considering Amber and I were at least 8-10 years older than every other person there. After a short wait in line, where we enjoyed laughing at all the goth-punk kids that had to be dropped off by their mom, and laughed nearly to the point of tears when we saw the kids that had to bring their parents with them, we absconded inside, to stand in place for five hours.

For those that have not heard, it was a Dethklok 'Metalocalypse' concert, which provided a healthy blend of overweight teenage geeks, and miscellaneous headbangers that didn't know what the fuck was happening.

Oh, and jailbait. There was plenty of female jailbait in low rider jeans, low cut t-shirts, and short haircuts, including a particularly cute girl in front of us, that giggled and bounced for most of the concert. If you ever want a fourteen year old girlfriend, then this is the place to go. Me? I'm taken (and I don't like prison).

Anyway, after getting patted down for recording equipment, there wasn't much to do besides listen to the GOD AWFUL opening band, and watch the ironic moshing.

I'm not sure if this is typical, or merely a result of there being a geeky audience, but when it was clear that the normal headbangers weren't interesting in moshing to the opening band (there were two guys, but there's always two guys), a group of kids decided to mosh their own way. Here are some of their 'mosh' moves that they brought to the center of the pit:

1. Duck Duck Goose (the game eventually got so big that security broke it up)

2. Skipping

3. Thumb Wrestling (complete with mass of onlookers, cheering for their side)

4. Seeing how many people they can crowd surf towards the band in a minute

5. Snow-angels

6. The Robot

7. The Macarena

8. The Safety Dance

Without those wonderful crazy kids, we may not have lasted long enough to see the second band, Ministry of Pain, or MOP as I call them. These guys were actually a lot of fun, they knew how to play and sing, and they even let every member of the band sing at different times. Seriously, they were pretty damn good.

The lead singer through his shirt into the audience near the end, and accidentally got it stuck in the overhead lights. He didn't realize it at first, so when he asked 'who got my shirt' at the end of their act, everyone just pointed up.

Their talent made the third (yes, THIRD) opening band all the more painful to watch. They were better than the first band by a hair, but by now the audience was getting impatient, chanting for Dethklok, and shouting 'you suck' at the audience. Back to the ironic moshing.

There was only so long you could watch teenage girls bounce...I MEAN BANDS THAT SUCK. Yes, I meant there was only so long you could watch bands that suck.

Luckily, Brendan Small finally came on and proceeded to rock the ever living shit out of us all. Not only was he fantastic, but the people playing with him were actually teenagers from the 'School of Rock' school of music that a friend of his runs, and they were AWESOME! I couldn't believe how well the kids played. They often switched instruments, each being able to play at least two, and they played rings around the first and third opening band, and they were at least as good as the second.

They played a lot of great Dethklok tunes (including Thunderhorse, Mermaider, Taking it Easy, and Toki's Underwater Friends song), and some standard heavy metal, including a great version of 'You Could Be Mine' sung by a particularly pretty teenage girl. There were plenty of wolf whistles and cries of 'get naked' from the crowd (I swear I'm not responsible), although it probably doesn't reflect well for Axl Rose that they used a girl to sing his songs.

By now the REAL moshing had begun, and Amber huddled behind a hot teenage guy for protection (oh Amby, you jailbait chaser) as I helped protect the small, cute girl in front of me (I don't so much chase as let them come to me).

Although there were a lot of bumps, only one kid actually flew into me full force. I didn't see him coming, but he came to a sudden and abrupt stop after running into me, and then fell directly to the floor. He might as well have run into a wall. ^_^

After helping the poor kid up, I took note of a short Italian guy in the mosh pit. He was 5 ft 3 at most, but broad, about 18 or so, and wore a black baseball cap.

This guy RULED the mosh pit. Remember when I said I could beat up 99% of the audience? I call this guy 1%. If anyone started moshing towards him, he rushed towards them, colliding in the center of the pit, reflecting them away. I swear, this kid was invincible. After a few minutes, the mosh pit was cleared out, because no one wanted to go near him, not even the giant 6 ft 6 musclebound kid.

After playfully mussing up the giant kid's hair (I swear to God, he did), he stepped out at the request of his (or his friend's, it was difficult to tell) hot girlfriend. Bless you 1%, you're doing God's work: beating the shit out of teenagers.

We snuck out a little early, since we were both exhausted, but we both had an amazing time!

Rest assured, when asked the next day how the concert was, we both had the same answer for them:


Good times.