Wednesday, October 21, 2009


*In the middle of the forbidden forest, Draco, Goyle, Harry and Ron are hanging out, shortly after the end of the 7th book*

DRACO: "Well, no hard feelings, Potter. I guess alls well that ends..."

*Harry 'Avada Kedavra's' Goyle*

DRACO: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I switched sides! You'll be killed..."

HARRY: "Nah, more likely chewed out. He did try to kill us earlier after all. Anyway that deal was for you, and it's a good deal. Weaken the Dark Lord's power by being the wand's master? Enable us to kill the Dark Lord. That's a good deal. You like that deal, Ron?"

RON: "I'd take that deal."

HARRY: "Yeah, that's a good deal. Now scalp Goyle."

DRACO: "What? Why?!"

HARRY: "It's sort of a 'thing' I'm starting. Anyway, when you leave here, avoid Azkaban, and rejoin high society Draco...I bet you're going to keep that dark mark covered...ain't ya?"

DRACO: *shudders*

HARRY: "Yeah, that's what I thought, and Ron and I don't like that, do we?"

*Ron finishes scalping Goyle*

RON: "Not one bit.

*Harry leans forward, towards Draco's ear, and begins to whisper*

HARRY: "You see if it were up to me, you'd proudly display that Dark Mark every day for the rest of your wand suckin' life...but I'm aware that ain't practical, so..."

*Harry draws a huge magical bowie knife*

HARRY: "So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off..."

*And ten minutes later, after branding Draco, burying Goyle's body next to the Dursley family's, and peeking in on Hermoine while she's taking a shower, they all lived happily ever after*


Friday, October 02, 2009


Challenge #22: Change a dirty diaper

Okay, I've dodged it long enough. It's time to take little Jacob (that's little in the ironic sense, like Mafia guys named 'Tiny') to the changing room, under the careful guidance of Pat.

Luckily, the scope and magnitude of the diaper changing isn't nearly as catastrophic as Nicky's. I mean, good lord...I'm amazed Nicky's body could contain that much. Jake is a bit better, but yeah, it isn't pretty. It didn't help that he kept trying to kick his way out of my grasp. GOOD LORD that kid's strong!

Anyway, after popping my arm back into its socket, I cleaned the kid up (again, not the least bit of shame or empathy from the kid himself...he could at least pretend to be sorry), and put on a new diaper.

Honestly, the hardest part was getting him back IN to his jumper. I tried wrestling with him and his outfit a bit, but he countered the move into a hurricana suplex. I considered grabbing a folding chair to help even the odds, but I was pretty sure the ref (Jenny) wouldn't have approved. Pat had to tag in to take over at that point.

Still, I survived the diaper changing. Some other relatives weren't so lucky (we remember you fondly, Steve).

CHALLENGE #23: Early to bed...

I've never been one to go to bed early, but you know how the saying goes 'Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise'.

A week later, there isn't any additional money in my wallet.

Am I any wiser? I'm posting on a blog on the I'm going to venture a 'no'.

What about my health? Not only did I get sick, but I caught the flu, right about the same time the swine flu was getting everywhere. Hmm.

So, 'Early to bed, and early to rise, gives you Swine Flu'. Yeah, I guess that's nowhere as catchy.

CHALLENGE #24: Eat a large plate of pickled beets.

Yeah, there's a few more food challenges. I decide to brave the food that kids cartoons have warned me about for decades...

Those fricking liars! Grouchy bear from the care bears was dead right! Lionheart doesn't know what the hell he's talking about! (oh, and curse you Amber, for subjecting me to 'girly' kids cartoons throughout my youth)

Pickled beets are delicious! I could really go for a large plate of them right now! Once again, I feel like I got off easy. Let's make the next one a hard one.

CHALLENGE #25: Give self the worst brainfreeze possible

This one took a few test starts, sort of like the 'go a day without intentionally scratching' challenge. I swear, I did my best to down slurpees as quickly as possible (the only way a true geek would achieve the brain freeze), but nothing happened of note. Oh sure, there was a chill or two, but nothing that bad.

I took several weeks, when I was drinking a slurpee for fun, not even thinking about the challenge...when it happened.

My brain sqeezed shut like a vice. I didn't go for a warm drink, oh no, that'd be cheating. All I could do was ride out the wave, like a sarcastic careless teen on Baywatch, only there weren't any porn stars to save me.

A few minutes later and the agony crescendoed into a manageable state, and I dragged myself from the floor of my car. Can you believe Slurpees created an advertising campaign out of brain freezes? That's like trying to sell a snack bar through crotch punches!

Oh well, I'll just top the Slurpee off with some rubber bands.

CHALLENGE# 26: Chew on rubber bands, as if they were gum

Alright, let's clean these boys off...yeah, I don't see how this could go wrong.

I can't even begin to describe how disgusting that was.

Nicky's 'uh-oh' takes second.

I'm going to crawl back onto the floor of my car now.