BACK!

Whew! You wouldn't believe the sheer amount of data entry I've been doing at my job. By the time the weekend's hit, my hands are ready to strike. Seriously, I had to rush the picket lines to get the blog today, which is tough when you're holding picket signs in both hands.

Jeese! They even flipped my car! (BTW thanks to everyone who came down to help my hands flip my car this week. It wasn't easy, but together...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!)

STEVE'S QUESTION

Q. Is it possible to sneeze with your eyes open?

A. YES!

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

I DID IT!

After weeks of false starts and botched tries, I finally sneezed with an eye open!

Admittedly, it was only one eye, held open with fingers, but still, it counts. If there's any doubt, Amber was present at the moment of glory, there to witness my EYE POPPING RIGHT OUT OF ITS SOCKET!!!

OH GOD!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! WONDER BOY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WAS THIS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG SNUFFY?! WAS IT?!!!

Okay Max.

Calm down.

Of course it's hard to calm down when your left eye is swinging like a pendulum in the breeze, keeping an eye on my laces while I ponder my next move. Huh...shoes are untied. I guess I'll just reach down and...

OH DAMN IT!!! RIGHT AGAINST THE KNEE!

I can't live like this, there's no use even pretending. Sure, the parents didn't say anything, but they were a little distracted by the comics page at the time (apparently, For Better Or For Worse is beginning to heat up, but after several failed attempts, I gave up trying to care).

Gaming went smoothly, thanks to my psychic Dungeon Master hypnotism powers. I was worried for a moment that Vinny noticed something, but I just threw giant monsters at him to distract him. Frank was half blind, and Steve was across the room, too intent on sabotaging his fellow players. Jude almost blew my cover, but she was stoned and bouncing on Vinny's lap, so the coast was clear!

Work was a little strange, I have to admit...


BOSS: "Hey Rob, is everything okay?"

ME: "Oh yeah, why? Is there something wrong?"

BOSS: "Well, I just noticed that you had an eye resting on a wet paper towel next to your keyboard."

ME: "Caught a cold."

BOSS: "Really? Because it looks more like an eyeball blown out of its socket."

ME: "Uh...that's just because I'm sitting down."

BOSS: "Ah, I see. Well, you should probably take the rest of the day off then."

*DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA*

*SWINGS EYEBALL AROUND HEAD*


Stupid ceiling fans.

No, this has to end, I can no longer keep living this lie! Amber, you can stop knitting that vest with the eyeball pouch in it, because I'm going to do something about this!

But who can help me with this? I know! I'll ask that guy who works at the videogame store in the mall! He once had to have an eye temporarily taken out of his socket, using suction while he was unconscious, in order to cut out a tiny injury/rot of some kind. They then put a small patch on it and popped it back in! Oh, and Amber thinks he's hot. (True story) I bet he'll know what to do!

ME: "Hey dude! I was wondering..."

HIM: "DEAR GOD!"

ME: "What? Do I have something on my..."

HIM: "YOUR EYE!"

ME: "Oh yeah."

HIM: "WHAT THE HELL?!"

ME: "Well, that's what I came to talk about actually."

HIM: "I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL?!!!"

ME: "Do you have any advice?"

HIM: *Dials 911*

ME: *Snaps fingers*


Man, do I feel silly for not thinking of that earlier! The paramedics were so polite and they even wheeled me around for everything too!

As a final, wonderful cherry on top, thanks to the incredible amount of drugs shot into me, I was even paid a visit by the spirit of Christmas!


SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Max, you have to stop doing shit like this."

ME: "Why's that, Mr. Pagan Santa dude?"

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "I'm just saying that it might be better for everything if you..."

ME: "How so?"

S.O.C., NOW WITH MOOSE ANTLERS: "There's just a natural order of things, my boy. You have a mental reflex within your brain that causes you to blink every time you sneeze."

ME: "Gosh."

NOW HE'S PURPLE FOR SOME REASON: "It's there so the various germs that expel out during a sneeze don't get in your eye. Who knows, your friend at the game store might have gotten a germ in his eye from sneezing with an eye open..."

ME: "That doesn't seem..."

BACK TO NORMAL: "Quiet you! Anyway, it's at least possible, and that may have led to his eye getting that infection, and do you know what that leads to?"

ME: "Working in a video game store?"

NOW WITH DUCK ON HEAD: "Exactly, my son. And you don't want to have to sell a minimum number of pre-orders and club card subscriptions, do you?"

ME: "I wouldn't want to talk to those angry customers either..."

NOW HE'S A PENGUIN FOR SOME REASON: "I see that you're getting it now, my boy. But just in case, do you see that other hallucination at the door?"

ME: "The asian bikini model?"

CLASSIC VERSION OF HALLUCINATION: "No my boy, that one."

ME: "The ultra hot nurse who's staring at me?"

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "No, that's actually real. You should probably keep your voice down. No, I mean that one!"

ME: "The...goat guy with the pointy stick?"

S.O.C.: "Yes, my boy, and what's that around his feet?"

ME: "Unconscious European children?"

S.O.C.: "And you don't want to end up like them, do you?"

ME: "nosir"

S.O.C.: "Of course not! So wise up, always keep your eyes closed while sneezing, keep your internal monologue internal, and have a very Merry Christmas my boy!

ME: "Wow! Thanks so much Mr. Garcia!"

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS IN TIE DIE SHIRT: "My pleasure! Now, if you'll excuse me, your next hallucination is here."

ME: "Oh neat, what is it?"

S.O.C.: "Spiders mostly."

ME: "Spiders?"

S.O.C.: "Those and other various creepy crawly insects, including those weird flying beetles you only get by your house. Man, they look angry too!"

ME: "Uh..."

S.O.C.: "Well, best of..."

ME: "WAIT! WHY NOT HANG AROUND FOR AWHILE?"

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Well, I'm kind of busy..."

ME: "Look! The Price is Right just came on!"

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, NOW IN SUIT WITH MICROPHONE: "Well...okay then, I'll stick around for a few segments."

ME: *WHEW!*

S.O.C.: "But then it's right to the horrifying hallucinations."

ME: "Oh well, best make the most of it then! Come on in Torgo! Enjoy the show! Any last message to the world out there before those rednecks try to guess the price of a DVD player?"

BOB BARKER, IN FESTIVE ATTIRE: "I'd just like to remind everyone not to attempt to sneeze with your eyes open, to have their pets spayed or neutered, and for everyone who isn't a pet or a naughty child to have A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!!!"