Life is like a pineapple.

Please bear with me.

Wait, you're not bearing with me! Damn it! I can see the arrow going to the google bar. What are you typing...DAVE BARRY?! DAMN IT!

Anyway, for those of you still here, who either don't have a google bar, or are just too lazy to type out 'Dave Barry', I shall explain.

Life is like a pineapple because Pat says it is. You see, last Saturday, my cousin's husband Pat (if you increased my IQ by twenty points, and gave him his own blog, we'd more or less be the same person) and I got into a lengthy argument about human nature, good and evil, and other things that bore the living daylights out of the rest of my family. To get their attention back, Pat challenged me to write how life, and human existence, are like a pineapple.

Why the hell not?

Let's start step by step.



DOCTOR: "Congratulations Mrs. Johnson, it's a pineapple!"

MRS. JOHNSON: "Wow, that explains a lot."

DOCTOR: "Yeah, you really should've gone with the c-section."



Eww...Pat, this isn't going the way I'd hoped. Let's skip ahead.



BULLY: "Hey new kid! Give me your lunch money!"

PINEAPPLE: ...

BULLY: "Oh yeah?!"

*PUNCH*

BULLY: "Damn it!"



Okay...let's skip ahead to the big game.



QUARTERBACK: "Alright pineapple, I'm going to hand you the ball, and then I'm going to block for you, so you can run it in. Ready?

PINEAPPLE: ...

QUARTERBACK: "GO!"

*BALL DROPS NEXT TO PINEAPPLE, AND TEN GUYS TACKLE HIM*



Yeah, that's pretty much how I remember football going. Let's move ahead again.



DEAN: "Congratulations young man! Here's your doctorate in medicine!"

PINEAPPLE: ...

DEAN: "Is this really him? Or did some wise guy just leave a pineapple here?"



On to marriage...



PRIEST: "Do you Miss Davis, take this pineapple, to be your lawfully wedded...Max, this is just a pineapple."

MAX: "I know, but just go along with it!"

PRIEST: "Uh...no."



Vegas it is then!



ELVIS IMPERSONATOR: "So do yew, Muss Davus, take this pineapple to be yer evalovin hubby?"

MISS DAVIS: "I DO!"

MAX: "MOSELTOV!!!"



Okay, what have we forgotten...



DOCTOR: "Congratulations Mrs. Johnson...and by Mrs. Johnson I mean the pineapple's wife, not his mother again..."

MRS. JOHNSON: "Thanks for clearing that up."

DOCTOR: "No problem...it's a pineapple!"

MRS. JOHNSON: "Oh she's adorable! Look honey, she has your...uh...just like...uh...well, she's also a pineapple."



Wow, deja vu. Of course, no life would be complete without a Mexican standoff.



EVIL EUROPEAN GUY FROM DIE HARD: "Give me the microfilm, pineapple, or your daughter dies!"

PINEAPPLE: ...

HE ALSO PLAYED SNAPE: "Don't even think about tossing it to your evil twin either, or else your daughter is fruit salad!"

EVIL PINEAPPLE: ...

PINEAPPLE: ...

SERIOUSLY HE'S AWESOME: "Very well! Then it's time for your daughter to..."

*BANG*

HE MADE ROBIN HOOD WATCHABLE: "UGH!"

*BANG*

DOGMA WAS UNDERRATED: "You traitor! You're not evil at all! You...wait, how are pineapples firing..."

*BANG BANG*

ALAN RICKMAN: "OOF!"


What an ending! Wow, and here I thought the evil pineapple was evil, but it turns out he was nice all along! Wow, I can't wait to see that one again. Well, that's every part of life that doesn't suck. I hope this fully explains to you how life is like a pineapple.


That's right, it isn't. Life isn't anything like a pineapple. That's why life is like a pineapple.


Now that I've made Pat's brain explode, let me explain. Life isn't anything like life.

Go ahead, try to think about life for a moment, you start with a happy child. Wait, that child is often sad, but if you say he's sad, you're ignoring the times when he's happy.

Life is a roller coaster ride, you say? I think anyone that's ever sat through an algebra class would have to disagree with you. It's boring then? Ever get caught in a bold faced lie, and then everyone stares at you, and waits for your explanation? Ever have your boss ask what 'exactly' you do for the company? Ever slip while walking down stairs? No, it's not boring.

People are basically good? No. People are basically bad? Not really. People aren't basically good or bad? Not exactly.

If I said that life was inconsistent, then I'd be ignoring the consistency of science, weather, and daily life.

The people shouting 'everything is changing' is almost completely drowned out by the people shouting 'nothing changes'.

Life is depressing only when it's not thrilling! Life can be bad, but only when it isn't fantastic! Death can be a good thing, but only when you ignore the 5 million reasons it's a bad thing! Life is filled with loneliness, except for all the times you're with loved ones! Night is day! Black is white!


ARGHHHHHH!!! MY BRAIN!!!


Okay Max, step back from the insanity. What do you think pineapple?


PINEAPPLE: ...

MAX: "Dot dot dot? Yeah, I guess that says it all. Life is as much like a pineapple as it is anything else. When you can use contradicting words to describe something, chances are it's simply indescribable. There's no point wrecking your brain over it. You might as well type three dots, shrug and just move on with your life. Come on pineapple, want to get something to eat?"

PINEAPPLE: ...

MAX: "Yeah, that sounds..."

ALAN RICKMAN: "I don't think so!"

MAX: "You! You're supposed to be dead!"

ALAN RICKMAN: "Time to die, Mr. 'Did I Mention I Got Published in Mississippi Crow'!

MAX: "Hitchhiker's Guide should have been funnier."

ALAN RICKMAN: "DIE!"

MAX: "LOVED YOU IN GALAXY QUEST!"


*PINEAPPLE LEAPS IN FRONT OF MAX AND TAKES THE BULLET, AS EVIL PINEAPPLE TACKLES ALAN RICKMAN*



Pineapple! You saved me! How can I...pineapple? PINEAPPLE?!



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!