OBLIGATORY SHORT POLITICAL RANT AND AFTERWARD

Okay, I'm just going to rant on one vaguely political issue, and then go on to a regular post. If you want, just hum 'American Pie' to yourself until the rant is over.

The internet is going wild with people throwing tantrums over the bill recently passed in the house, that gives us more protections against government wiretapping, but simultenously excuses the phone companies for giving the private information of its customers over to the government.

If you hop over to Fark, you'll be able to see countless people crying that by not holding the phone companies responsible, we're becoming slaves to our corporate masters...or some crap like that.

I'm glad the phone companies weren't held responsible. They aren't responsible.

It's not the phone company's job to decide if handing information over is necessary to preserve national security, it's the government's, so when the government asked for the information (even though it wasn't really within their right to do so), it's understandable that the phone companies complied.

Say you're a landlord, and police officers show up, telling you that there's an emergency, and they need to be let into one of the rooms in order to save a life, even though they don't have a warrant. Let's say there actually isn't an emergency, and the police just wanted to illegally search through those apartments.

Should the landlord be held accountable for letting them in? Of course not. The authorities are the ones with the power and right to declare whether a situation is an emergency, or if extreme measures must be taken, so it wasn't their place to question their request. The fact it was a lie doesn't make the landlord guilty, and the fact the phone companies complied with the government doesn't make them guilty either.

Look at it this way: what if it WAS necessary, and handing over the information prevented a major terrorist attack? Would they be facing these same lawsuits? Of course not, they'd be lauded as heroes.

What if the information WAS necessary, but it was withheld, and allowed another terrorist attack on the United States? Do you think the democrats would be applauding the phone companies as champions of civil rights? Of course not! They'd be tearing them to shreds, as would everyone else.

It's not the job of phone companies to question the government, or decide what is and is not necessary in order for the nation to be secure. That's the government's job. If they did something wrong, then they have to be held accountable, not the companies that complied with their orders.

...

Thank you. This has only been a test. Had this been a real emergency, it would have been on TV, rather than on the internet.


NO BLOG WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A BEST AND WORST MOVIE RANT

How could I have gone so long without ranting about my favorite and least favorite movies? That, along with fascist/hippie political opinions (see above) is the primary purpose of blogs in general.

I'm going to break this down between a few posts, at allow for sufficient ranting, and in order to keep the list from being clogged with 80's comedies and film noir detective movies, I'm going by genre.

As a last note, some of these 'worst' movies aren't 'bad' per se, but simply insulted me on a personal, spiritual level. Some of them could probably even be considered by some as 'good', but if you turned them on while I was in the room, I'd march right out the front door, regardless if I was watching it at a good friend's house, bachelor party, or plane.


BEST ACTION/ADVENTURE

I've actually seperated the 'suspense', 'samurai/cowboy' and 'mystery' movies out of this genre, to list them seperately, and am defining 'action/adventure' as any movie where people fire guns while leaping through the air, crash cars intentionally, or spend a good amount of the movie running from things. Spielburg, I'm looking at you.

Honorable Mention: Drunken Master (1978)

No, not the 1994 version, but that's good too. The original Drunken Master was a triumph of low budget karate/action. Besides Jackie Chan, and the cost of a few stunt men, there really wasn't a budget at all. Regardless, Jackie treats us to hilarious comedy which translates well from culture to culture, nearly non-stop glorious action, and a final fight which is legendary. The funny thing is, the environment seems like 1800's China, but in the sequel, it's closer to modern China. The fact is, the movie works either way. It isn't about the setting, it's about ACTION ACTION ACTION!


Best Action Movie: Hot Fuzz (2007)

I absolutely adore this movie. Not only is it hilarious, entertaining and filled with ridiculous violence, but it keeps escalating. Instead of dragging along or tapering off, the movie just keeps getting better and better, all the way to the very end. It's nothing short of the greatest action movie ever made. Will Smith and Marin Lawrence would be proud...wait, they're not dead. They are proud then. They better be proud.


Didn't quite make the list, but still very good

Most of the Indiana Jones movies (they're all a little too slow in the middle, but still great)

Iron Man (A little light on action, but a fantastic movie none-the-less)

12 O'Clock High (Great war movie about WW2 daylight bombing, with real life footage)

Lethal Weapon 2 (A little too schticky, but otherwise great, especially the ending)


WORST ACTION/ADVENTURE

Dishonorable Mention: Water World (1995)

This movie is basically the exact opposite of entertainment. The action is dull, the plot twists make no sense, and the parts that aren't disgusting or ridiculous, are simply boring instead. If it weren't for a standout performance by Dennis Hopper, it would have been the worst action movie ever.


Worst Action Movie: Mortal Kombat 2

Yeah, get used to seeing sequels in the 'worst' parts of the list. Mortal Kombat 2 breaks several major sins by not only replacing most of the stars and revising the ending of the first movie, which I honestly enjoyed, but they also kill off the best character of the first movie in the first 5 minutes. This movie is complete garbage, with only two things to show for it: a few semi-hot actresses, and Tony Jaa, from Ong Bak. Yes, Liu Kang has some amazing karate moves and stunts throughout the movie, but they're all in thanks to his stunt double, Tony Jaa. Sorry Tony, your moves are great (especially at the end), but it's not enough to get us through this garbage.


BEST SPORTS MOVIE

I'll admit it, I'm not really into sports movies. There really are only three: the one where they win at the end, the one where they lose at the end, and the one where someone dies at the end. If you've seen one of each, you've pretty much seen them all. Still, here are my favorites.


Honorable Mention: Major League (1989)

Yeah, it's really closer to a straight comedy than a sports movie, which shows how little I appreciate the genre. Still, several standout performances by...well, just about everyone really. Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Charles Cyphers, and more. It's hilarious, sympathetic, and has a large number of really good characters as well.


Best Sports Movie: Any Given Sunday (1999)

Man, this movie only has a 6.5/10 rating on IMDB, but I swear, it blows me away. The dizzying, high stakes, violent world of Football is brilliantly portrayed by Oliver Stone, and Al Pacino steals the show as the team's coach. Like many good movies, it shows many different perspectives, to give you a good idea of the big picture. Sure, Stone lays it on thick, with over the top effects and symbolism, but it goes a long way to show you what the players are actually experiencing. As an added bonus, the big game at the end of the movie isn't really that 'big' a game in the grand scheme of things. It's only the first game of the play-offs, and win or lose, they don't really have a chance in hell of getting much further, and they know it. That doesn't stop them from giving it all they have, and playing as if it's more important than life itself. I can't fully understand that mind set, but I respect it.


Almost made it to the list:

Wildcats (Mediocre comedy, but that isn't the point. Goldie Hawn has a nude scene. And this was back when you wanted to see her naked. Nuff said. If you're a girl, then there's also Woody Harrelson's bare rear end, again when I assume you'd want to see it. There's something for everyone.)


WORST SPORTS MOVIE

Dishonorable Mention: Rudy (1993)

Yeah, yeah, quit your griping. I really liked the ending too. You know what I didn't like? The hour and fifteen minutes BEFORE the ending. This movie is slowwwwwwwww...


Worst Sports Movie: Aspen Extreme (1993)

1993 was just a really bad year for sports movies, I guess. Rather fittingly, the worst sports movie ever is also about the most boring sport ever. No, it's not about a race or competitive skiing. The competitors...get ready for this...skii in teams, criss crossing over eachother's path, like a double-helix or infinity symbol, as far as they can down a mountain.

That's it. Yes, the big triumphant scene at the end involves the heroes doing those criss-cross girly moves all the way down the mountain...slightly better than the bad guys. Be still my heart.


BEST FANTASY MOVIE

I decided to split sci-fi and fantasy...basically because the genres have nothing to do with eachother. The only reason they're grouped together in video stores is because they have the same geeky fan base, and there aren't enough 'good' examples of either genre to fill an entire shelf. Here we go.


Honorable Mention: Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Yes Pat...look at it...you can't deny it. Oh come on, didn't you love the Tom Bombadil scene? You know you did. ^_^

Anyway, this movie is fantastic, and easily my favorite of the trilogy. The characters, story, action and comedy all flow together in a complete package, and leaves you desperate for more. The sequels got a little bogged down by the over the top action and scenery though (especially after they got back to the ruined shire with the human invaders, where Merry and Pippen went all wire-fu on Wormtongue and Saruman).


Best Fantasy Movie: Labyrinth (1986)

Before we go on to Labyrinth, let me talk about 'Dark Crystal'. Dark Crystal is an amazing, if somewhat flawed movie. It's great because it created its own mythology from scrap, brough us amazing creatures and incredibly in-depth history and characters. Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal was an incredibly ambitious project created by a genius (Jim Hensen), aimed at a more mature audience, masterfully created, and likewise doomed to become a short-term commercial failure.

Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal lacked mass appeal, especially from the supposed target audience, young children. The story was dark and occassionally gruesome despite its brilliance, and the main gelfling characters are a little too disturbingly realistic for them to be cute. That being said, I'd marry Kira in a heartbeat.

The point is, Jim Hensen learned from his mistakes, and managed to take everything that was great about Dark Crystal, remove everything that didn't work, and put it all into Labyrinth. Not only did Jim Hensen direct, but Terry Jones (from Monty Python) wrote it. Now there's a tag team that can take over the world.

The visuals are absolutely stunning, the story is great, the special effects seem far more realistic than anything that's come out recently, because puppets look far more real than CGI. David Bowie does ham it up a bit, but with this role it's actually called for, and Jennifer Connelly plays her part so well that I keep forgetting it's Jennifer Connelly (even though she's the oldest 15 year old I've ever seen). Brilliant, imaginative, and thoroughly entertaining, all combined with Bowie's great music. There simply isn't anything not to like.


Nearly made it onto the list:

Ghostbusters (far more of a fantasy than a sci-fi, while dipping also into comedy and action/adventure, but overall a humorous fantasy and a timeless classic)

Willow (screw the nay sayers, I really liked Willow. It's dark, realistic, visually stunning, and it's Val Kilmer's best performance ever)

Mirror Mask (incredibly original, with great performances, a beautiful soundtrack, and a perfect blend of fantasy and reality. Stephen Fry's guest spot as the 'historian' is classic. Believe it or not, he managed it in only one take, with a brief interruption in the middle for a call to his mother. LOOK! AN IDIOT!)


WORST FANTASY MOVIE

Dishonorable Mention: Time Bandits (1981)

Some people swear by this gross, ridiculous, confusing cluster-fuck of a movie, although I'm not sure why. I was a kid when I first saw this, and I didn't understand or enjoy a single thing. I saw it again as an adult and understood half of it and enjoyed only one thing (the hilariously anti-climactic end battle). This movie was admittedly original, and did a lot with relatively little, but that's Terry Gilliam's hallmark. Nothing, however, excuses the fact that the characters are forgettable, that the plot dips a little too far away from farce and into stupidity, and the ending didn't resolve or explain anything.

Half of Terry Gilliam's movies are like a fart in the face. Some people might find that hilarious, but I think it's juvenille, especially since the audience is on the receiving end.


Worst Fantasy Movie: Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)

What the hell is it with 1993?! Anyway, you probably haven't heard of it unless you're a fan of MST3K, but let me assure you, there's nothing really to see here, besides an adequate 'I'm doing this for the paycheck' performance by David Warner, better known as the villain from Tron, Irenicus from Baldur's Gate 2, and virtually every other B movie you can think of. This Emmy winning actor never turned down a part in his life, but he's great for adding a little class and sophistication to an otherwise mediocre movie or show.

Delta Knights obviously wanted the most bang for their buck, because they have him portray two...that's right, two of the characters in the movie. No, the characters aren't related, they just decided to use him as the young hero's mentor, and after throwing on a black wig, had him play the villain as well. I think we even have a movie 'first' when his villain character kills his hero character.

No wait, Gene Wilder did the same thing in 'Start the Revolution Without Me'. We can't even give Delta Knights that.

Calling this pile a crap a fantasy is a stretch, but what else could it be called? Anyway, the clothes and sets are straight out of a renaissance faire...and not even a good one, the script was most likely written over a long lunch break, and the characters are thoroughly unlikeable. The hero is stupid, the sidekick is a soulless horndog (who's supposed to be Leonardo Da Vinci...who was a horndog I guess...just not for women), and the missing princess is discovered to be working as a prostitute.

Yes, the movie goes to lengths to say she was 'forced' into it, but not only didn't she seem very 'forced', as there was absolutely nothing preventing her from walking right out the door, but she also seemed quite content, healthy and successful in her 'trade'. In fact, she was eagerly trying to talk the 12-13 year old hero into bed when she met him.

Needless to say, I'm not buying it...still, I can definitely see the way that situation could happen. The heroes walk in, find the princess sitting on the lap of a sailor, laughing hysterically, only to suddenly announce after seeing her would be rescuers, "Oh no! Just look at what I'm being forced in to! Thank goodness the heroes are here to free me from my horrible predicament!" Yeah, sure honey. She made Paris Hilton look 'reluctant'.

The above rant is the only joy I got out of that movie.


Well that's it for this week. Next week's genre: porn. ^_^