YET ANOTHER BEST/WORST MOVIE RANT

BEST DRAMA

The categories drama, mystery and suspense are a little difficult to divide up, but ultimately I've decided to have drama as one category, and mystery/suspense as another. The only real difference between mystery and suspense being whether you know who the murderer is or not. Anyway, here's drama.

Honorable Mention: Casablanca (1942)

A classic, and for good reason. Bogey's at his best, improvising lines that are now considered classic (if you read the original script, you'll find that none of the really good lines in there). Everything about the story is completely believable, from the hilariously creepy French policeman, to the heartbreaking romance, to the suprisingly well portrayed friendship between him and Sam (it's unusual to see a cross-race friendship in older movies without them relying on master/servant undertones...in fact, it's unusual to see it even now), and fantastic performances all around. It's subtle, believable, and deep. A must see.


Best Drama: Miller's Crossing (1990)

When will Hollywood get it? The best heroes are VULNERABLE. Not weak, but human, and prone not only to make mistakes, but also fail. This story is about imperfect human characters, one of which is having a crisis of conscience, which he himself describes as being similar to running through the forest, trying to catch his hat. Again, it's subtle and brilliant, with a perfect atmosphere and as many laughs as there are tears.

As an added bonus, watch for John Turturro's character (you might remember him as the wacky federal agent in 'Transformers'), who skates the line between lovable, detestable and pathetic with flair. His begging in the woods is nothing short of the greatest instance of begging in movie history.


Almost Made the List

Metropolis (the greatest silent movie ever, but a little too slow to rate higher, as it was filmed before the invention of 'pacing')

Godfather 2 (I don't care for the other Godfather movies, but the second is brilliant, mostly in part to Deniro...no offense Mr. Pacino)

Scent of a Woman (See? There was no offense. His last speech is pure gold, and falls somewhere between a furious tirade, and a heartbreaking confession. The co-star couldn't out-act a brick though, so it's not worth a victory)

12 Angry Men (a very good movie and an excellent play, but some of the actors are a little lacking...but only by a little bit)

Citizen Kane (incredibly dense, but very well performed by everyone involved. The scene between Kane and his last wife, where their marriage finally falls apart, is perfect)

Touch of Evil (Orson Wells is back again, this time as a sympathetic villain that rivals Turturro's. Rivals, but doesn't quite defeat)


WORST DRAMA EVER

Dishonorable mention: Parts, the Clonus Horror (1979)

This movie is just plain stupid. They clone people for extra organs, but create this isolated community to hold them in, feeding them lies to keep them under control. Where's the payoff? Isn't it easier to just replace people than cloning backup organs for them? Can't they just clone the organs and not the rest of the person? Why not keep them lobotimized (they lobotomize the clones if they become unruly, but they never explain why they don't do this from the start)? Why lie to them about the world? Why not tell them the truth, but keep them isolated until you need them? None of these questions get answered, and instead we watch Peter Graves be evil, and the secret organization work like idiots. They don't even have security cameras in the offices, for Got's sake.

As a bonus point, as stupid as this movie sounds, the creators of the recent movie 'The Island' decided to rip the concept off completely, right down to every stupid twist. The movie bombed, and they got their pants sued off. Sweet. If only the same fate befell...


Worst Drama: Patch Adams (1998)

I don't blame Robin Williams for this movie. He did what he could with it, and gave a better performance than in Bicentennial Man or Jack. This movie was garbage from the ground up.

It starts off fairly well, as we see some honestly funny scenes with the impatient and flawed Patch Adams, but the world quickly divides into two groups: satan worshipping baby killers, and people who worship Patch Adams as the second coming of Christ.

This trumped up, shameless ego pic is about Patch Adams being zany, breaking all the rules, committing countless criminal offenses, and being worshipped for it like a God. I hate Patch Adams. Not just the movie, but the man himself. He even put in the tragic death of his real life lady friend, only to reveal her darkest secrets to the moviegoing public, and exploit her death as a cheap excuse for his own soul searching. Fuck you, Patch Adams. She deserved better.

For Christ's sakes, even the dying angry patient, who turns around and becomes happy, spends his last moment with...his wife? Kids? Priest? No! Why Patch Adams of course! God's gift to the world, to be loved unconditionally, and act as both our personal jester and surrogate priest. Remember, any mention of God, religion or spirituality is prohibited in this movie, as nothing is allowed to take any attention or love away from Patch himself.

Haven't had enough? The big trial at the end is BS. In reality, they weren't trying him for his 'renegade' hospital or his methods, they were trying him for stealing supplies and hospital funds! That's a pretty good reason to have a trial, all things considered.

Everything about this movie is shameless and dumb, but it's not really Robin Williams' fault. His only crime was not turning the part down. This movie would have been nothing without him.


BEST ROMANCE

I admit, this category is a little light, just like Sports. Perhaps it's because romances don't actually work the way they do in chick-flicks. Of course, real fights don't work the way they do in movies either, but at least you get explosions and guns being fired while leaping through the air. Chick-flicks get conversations. Great.


Honorable Mention: Annie Hall (1977)

Every Woody Allen movie is a completely honest confession. Understand this, and you'll understand the man. His personal failings aside, Woody Allen is a brilliant director, who took a mediocre concept for a murder mystery, and instead turned it into a completely neurotic romance that borders on being the most honest in movie history. It isn't always pleasant or pretty, but from beginning to end we see a romance build up and ultimately fail, and their failures and difficulties are always created by themselves, rather than chance or circumstance. It's hilarious, brilliant, and it even includes Shelley Duvall in a see-through t-shirt.

There will be a time and place to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush, but now is not the time...but didn't anyone else think she looked cute in 'The Shining'? No? Huh.

As a bonus, there's a scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen panics when he's supposed to accept a big award, and ultimately doesn't go because he's afraid. What's the bonus? Annie Hall won 'best picture' at the Oscars, and he did exactly the same thing in real life. As I said, Woody's movies are all confessions.


Best Romance: The Princess Bride (1987)

Yeah, it's not a romance in the traditional sense, but it isn't really a comedy or fantasy either. This movie is about love, not just the love we feel during romance, but the love we feel for our family as well. Imigo's love for his father is just as important as Westley's for Buttercup, and drives the plot along perfectly. Cary Elwes gives the performance of a lifetime...actually, everyone involved does. Mandy Patinkin (Imigo...yeah, his name's 'Mandy'...poor guy) really steals the show though, and helps the 'action' elements hold up. It's so classic there's no reason even to quote it. We all know it by heart.

Why do I consider this movie a romance? Because the movie wouldn't have been great if the romantic aspects weren't so believable, mixing need, desire, bitterness, faith, and devotion in perfect harmony. It would have still been alright, but the romantic aspects bring the movie to life. It's the chick flick we can all agree on.


Almost made it:

West Side Story (arguably better than Romeo and Juliet itself, but the romantic aspects fall flat in places. The smaller support characters really drive the show)

My Best Friend's Wedding (painfully honest and bittersweet, just like Annie Hall, and it's Julia Roberts' best...which is kind of like saying a movie is Keanu Reeve's best, but what the hell?)

Sleepless in Seattle (I'm not a Tom Hanks fan, but he works well in this movie. What works best is they take time to show both sides of the romance, which is always believable...except in Bill Pullman's pathetic 'nice guy' acceptance at the end. Come on Lonestar! Grow a pair! At least get drunk and punch the waiter, for Christ's sake.)


WORST ROMANCE

Dishonorable Mention: Titanic (1997)

What a horrible movie. Mediocre performances all around, a villain that they refuse to allow to be sympathetic in any away (just like in Patch, they won't let anything detract from the main romance), with an INCREDIBLY long run time. The boat sinking scenes are fine, but anything involved in the 'romantic' aspect of the plot is pathetic. Almost as pathetic as...


Worst Romance: Moulin Rouge! (2001)

It takes a special amount of shamelessness to have an exclaimation mark in your title. Instead of celebrating this shamelessness, like in 'Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!', Moulin Rouge acts like a drama geek with a moderate to severe cocaine problem.

The musical numbers aren't bad, but the movie constantly expects to be wacky-zany and be taken completely seriously as well. One scene the main girl is whoring herself out to strangers, the other she's dying, the next she's falling in love with the hero, only to then bounce around like a pogo-stick. The movie simply tries to do too much, and be too much. No matter what mind set you're in, you're going to leave disappointed, as the movie can't decides what it is, ultimately making it nothing.

Yeah, it hardly seems enough to make it 'the worst', but the last straw is their constant repetition of the phrase 'truth'. They say everything about their life and work is about truth. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it. Bullshit. Their version of truth is that lovers stay together in perfect relationships forever, are paid ludicrous sums to sing and dance, and should be revered every moment for it.

The villain (who I fully empathize with) thinks the truth is that the kid is a nobody, the girl's a prostitute, and since he's paying for everything, including her services as a prostitute, then he should recieve the goods, services and sexual favors that he's paid good money for.

Can we really blame him?


BEST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE

I'll admit it, I love these movies, especially old film noir. Good acting, great directing, great plots (although the sex and controversial parets of the original stories are always cut out), and gloriously sexy women who didn't have to show a lot of skin in order to get men interested. Anyway, here we go:


Honorable Mention: Laura (1944)

This used to be my all-time favorite movie, and it's still my second favorite, overall. It's a brilliant story that may sometimes seem clicheyed, simply because this is the movie where all the cliches come from. They all were stolen from here. It's a standard detective story, with the hero falling in love with the girl, only this time the girl's already dead. As our hero unravels the events of her life through a series of flashbacks described by other people, he begins to fall in love with her personality, even though he's only seen her through her large portrait. Clifton Webb is hilariously icy, and a young Vincent Price plays a charming lady's man (if you can believe it). The main detective is cool, calculating and like in all great movies, subtle. He doesn't shout his feelings. You have to infer them from his actions. The movie honestly gets better every time I see it, and is dwarfed only by...


Best Mystery/Suspense: Murder My Sweet (1944)

This movie is perfect. Everything about it is fantastic, and Dick Powell portrays Detective Phillip Marlowe better than any other actor in history, Bogey included. The plot is tight and hilarious, with good amounts of suspense and classic lines, such as:

"He was doubled up on his face...in that bag-of-old-clothes position that always means the same thing: he had been killed by an amateur. Or by somebody who wanted it to look like an amateur job. Nobody else would hit a man that many times with a sap."

It's a great detective story that's just as funny as it is exciting. Phillip Marlowe started the 'detective monologuing' cliche, and nobody does it better. It's a must see for all detective movie fans, and the book it's based on, 'Farewell My Lovely' is just as good (although the ending is very different). It's my favorite film of any genre, hands down.


Almost made it:

Going to be a lot. Sorry...

Chinatown (Jack Nicholson is fantastic, and it's far more realistic and tragic than your standard detective movie)

The French Connection (almost an action movie, with one of the best car chase scenes of all time, and a spooky ending I did not see coming)

White Heat (James Cagney becomes a mobster movie legend, and for good reason. He's so believably unhinged, it's frightening. It's fantastic from beginning to end, and the hero is really an afterthought. It's all about the villain here. "MADE IT MA! TOP OF THE WORLD!")

The Professional (The oddly offputting romantic untertones aside, this movie is brilliant. It's a bizarre tale about a loveable assassin with a minor mental disability who adopts a 12 year old girl who falls madly in love with him (although his feelings are always platonic), while thwarting a hilariously over-the-top corrupt cop. It's a unique gem, only limited by unsettling feeling throughout)

The Third Man (Brando steals the show as the charismatic villain, but it's also a great movie overall. Be sure to check out the ferris wheel scene. ^_^ The music also compliments things well, and the ending is both sad and poignant. Great flick.)

The Usual Suspects (A great movie that's a little too clever for its own good, but still a great flick overall. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist." Great line. Great movie)

The Big Sleep (a great Bogey movie by any standard, with one of the best final scenes in movie history, but they cut half the plot out of the movie to make room for more romance. Even with those deleted scenes, you won't understand anything if you haven't read the book. Hell, half the plot points don't make sense unless you understand that the first murder victim is both a pornographer and a homosexual, and since it's an older movie, both points were completely cut out)

The Maltese Falchon (if you're looking at drama/suspense, you're going to get a lot of movies that start with 'the'. Bogey is once again fantastic, with another great ending, and surprisingly believable plot. Every detective movie like this usually ends with either the hero falling madly in love with the girl, or the girl turning out to be pure evil. This is one of the rare movies that has the courage to do both.)

Road to Perdition (underrated film, with great direction, and fantastic scenes between Tom Hanks and Paul Newman. Both actors go against type, and add a lot to the movie, which would have been great in any case. We also learn an important lessons for gunfights: don't hide behind anything made of glass.)


WORST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE

Whew! Never thought I'd get through the 'almost made it section'. Here's one that definitely didn't make it:

Dishonorable mention: The Big Sleep (1978)

But Max, you said this movie was good!

Check the year. Yup, in the same year I was born, an ancient Robert Mitchum was convinced that he could play Phillip Marlowe in a modern day update of the story, set in England. Nevermind that the pornographer sub-plot doesn't make sense in the present, that the film is filled with grade-Z actors, that they destroyed the power of the 'little man' death scene, or that they made the bad daughter who's supposed to be gorgeous rather 'plain', and the good daughter who's supposed to be plain rather 'gorgeous'. Really gorgeous, in fact. Everything else is just plain stupid...although it is more faithful to the original story than the 1944 version.

As an added dishonor, Jimmy Stewart...that's right, 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is horribly miscast as the old, dying patron of the hiring family. Every line is warbled out weakly, with no anger, bitterness or passion. Jimmy was simply the wrong man for the job, plain and simple. Has this great actor ever done anything worse?


Worst Mystery/Suspense: Vertigo (1958)

On IMDB, this movie is #39 on the greatest movies of all time. It's considered by some to be Hitchcock's greatest film of all time. My favorite Hitchcock film isn't even in the top 250.

Please, everyone do what you can to fight the war on drugs. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Seriously though, this movie is so ungodly slow you would hardly believe it. If they aren't driving around in cars, listening to pointless stories or hamming it up for the camera, then they're merely setting the story up for one of the stupidest twists in movie history.

Vertigo makes NO sense at any point, from start to finish, and although Jimmy Stewart does an okay acting job, the plot's too weak to support it. The only redeeming part is the ending, where Jimmy's corners the villain, and forces himself to face his fear and relive the worst moments of his life, all for the sake of finding the truth.

This is ruined, sadly, but the horribly unclimactic ending afterwards, that explains and resolves nothing. What happens? How do things resolve? The movie gives you the finger, that's what happens...alright, the very last scene is a beautiful one, with Jimmy standing out on the ledge, but it takes far too long to get there.


Next time:

I butcher more classics, and go on to the final genres: horror, family and samurai/western.

Having said that all in one sentence, I now have to write, direct and star in my own horror/family/samurai/western. Wish me luck. ^_^