Max Freeman

Patriot, Visionary, and Inventor of Ham


In honor of Max Freeman's birthday, we will be taking a break from the challenges to list the author of this blog's greatest accomplishments, year by year, each coincidentally occurring upon his birthday.


1978:

Moments after being born, a Doctor smacked Max several times on the bottom. Regardless, the young spy refused to tell him anything.


1979:

Began walking and talking, inventing both.


1980:

Successfully brought down a very small portion of the Berlin Wall, for round about 2 minutes.


1981:

Led one lightsaber wielding action figure to victory in the battle of 'kill all the other action figures'.


1982:

Drank his first and last beer.


1983:

Ended slavery in Texas, forcing his family to flee to the northeast.


1984:

Successfully infiltrated the school system, using the cover name 'Robert'.


1985:

Invented ham.


1986:

Played as the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots at superbowl XX, leading them to a glorious 846-10 loss.


1987:

Successfully pre-venged the death of his grandson.


1988:

Endorses Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign.


1989:

Uses the force to choke Michael Dukakis to death.


1990:

Invents pork roll. Literally dozens are thrilled.


1991:

Max ends the Gulf war through the power of song. UN officials estimate deaths in the mid 10,000's.


1992:

Listens to his first Aerosmith song. Doesn't care for it.


1993:

Scientifically proves, using 'Freeman's theorem' that the Dallas Cowboys are the most awesome thing on Earth.


1994:

Creates masterful plan to solve all of America's agriculture problems, and would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.


1995:

Freeman's theorem is officially disproved.


1996:

Travels back in time, to take year off before college.


1997:

Invents the ham, pork roll, and ketchup sandwich. No one notices until 2006.


1998:

Achieves the record for longest time spent trying to get a specific girl in the sack. Surrenders after 11 months, 26 days of trying.


1999:

Partied like it was the year it was.


2000:

Discovers internet porn. Is not heard from again until 2001.


2001:

Changes control of the Senate from 'Republican' to 'Democrat' by slapping it.


2002:

Invents a new word (Collinguinistical) and spends year trying to think up a definition that isn't dirty. Eventually settles upon: 'somewhat nifty'.


2003:

Personally ends the Phnom Penh riots by doing what no one else could: pronouncing its name correctly.


2004:

Sets the 'wayback' machine for 1806.


1806:

Successfully finds Lewis and Clark, and leads them back home, only to find that all his Superman jokes just go over their heads. Is inconsolable until 1808.


1807:

Weren't you listening? I said he was inconsolable!


1808:

Bamboozles the Colonies into repatriating back to England, and celebrates by stomping on a bunch of butterflies.


1809:

Set wayback machine for 2006.


2006:

Realizes he missed a year. Declares 'Fuck it'.


2007:

Not much really. Mostly bummed around on the internet, updating his blog. He did kill a few vampires...but otherwise, pretty much a normal year.


2008:

Fails to break world record for 'longest time spent trying to get a girl into the sack'. Regardless, he doesn't seem to mind that much.


2009

Ends war on terror through use of hypnosis. The subsequent 'clucking like a chicken' and 'naked in front of the audience' epidemics expected to be cured within the year.



MAX FREEMAN: Hero, Revolutionary, and fictional Charles Dickens character.