Very Well....I know who did it. (Clue, 1985)

I bet you're wondering why I gathered you all here, into the study. It is to reveal...the murderer!

But first, a bit of backstory:

In the year 1985, my favorite movie of all time “Clue” came out in theaters, and bombed.  

Not only were elegant comedy-mysteries out of fashion, but audiences weren’t quite sure what to make of a movie with multiple, random endings.  

They were 23 years too early...

Coincidentally, it came out on video back when VHS tapes were usually very expensive, but since it bombed, they released Clue at a relatively low cost.  It was one of the first movies released on VHS at a bargain price, so everyone bought a copy, most were pleasantly surprised, and Clue became VHS’s first cult movie.

Resulting in awesome cosplay.

From the moment I first saw it, I adored the zany slapstick and witty banter, and as I got older I enjoyed more and  more of the intelligent, dark humor that all went over my head as a child.

Also, Yvette got more interesting after I reached puberty.

My tastes and favorite movies have wildly fluxuated over time, with only two exceptions: Batman (in general), and the movie Clue (specifically).

Okay, and Star Wars.

AND fighting Robots. FINE.

Of course I’m not alone in loving Clue, as the movie has nothing short of a ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ level of fan obsession surrounding it (Tim Curry strikes again), and yet despite all the love for the movie online, there really isn’t much disagreement over the continuity or plausibility of the events of the film, or any online noteworthy articles written about the movie.

So this is where I step in.  

We seem to have a disagreement....

(If you haven’t watched the movie Clue, go do so now.  Tim Curry alone makes it well worth your time.  And as a bonus, if you’re into gorgeous, elegant women showing cleavage, it’s an embarrassment of riches.)

As a Clue fanatic, I feel I am one of the most qualified people on the web to make 2 bold statements:

1. I find every actress in this movie VERY attractive.

WOW

YES

INDEED

YUP

 Surprisingly, yes.  She's so cute!

I have a thing for weak/small chins.

2. MORE IMPORTANTLY: It is implausible for either Mr. Green or Col. Mustard to have committed any of the murders.  

I told you I didn't do it!

A bold statement if I may say so, as it makes the 3rd ending (supposedly what ‘really happened’) impossible.

If we take the murders one by one, you’ll find that they neither of these suspects had the means or motive to kill anyone:

Victim:	Mr. Green	Col. Mustard
Cook	No opportunity/motive	No opportunity/motive
Mr. Body	No opportunity	No opportunity
Motorist	No opportunity	No opportunity*
Yvette	No motive	No motive
Cop	No motive	No motive
Singing Telegram Girl	No motive	No motive

By now you might be disagreeing with me, loudly retorting that Mustard had the opportunity to kill the motorist, and that every suspect had the motive to kill Mr. Body’s network of spies, but in response I present to you:

1. I forgot to include ‘numbered lists’, ‘charts’, and ‘excessive apologies’ to the list of things I’ve never grown out of.  Sorry.
   

2. If Mustard pickpocketed the key to the weapon cupboard, then he could’ve pickpocketed the key to the Lounge instead.  Taking that key and just using a random weapon found in the house (plenty of blunt and sharp objects around) makes infinitely more sense.
 

3. EVEN IF for some unfathomable reason he DID pickpocket the key to the weapons as the 3rd ending suggests, it doesn’t explain how he did all of the following in about 2 minutes (3 minutes tops): gather and destroy all the evidence, acquire the wrench, correctly guess that a secret passage to the Lounge existed (even though there was nothing suggest there was one), search the entire ground floor, find the secret passageway in the conservatory, murder the motorist, and make it back before Scarlett suspected anything.  All this, while being noticed by absolutely no one, BEFORE the lights went out. It’s simply not plausible.

Pretty sure he'd die of a heart attack 1/2 of the way through that list.

So who could’ve known about the secret passage, and thus committed the murder?

The only people who could’ve known or guessed about the secret passageway are someone who either had advance knowledge of the house (Wadsworth, Yvette, or Scarlett in ending #1), OR whoever killed the Cook.

Whoever killed the cook could’ve easily accidentally stumbled upon the secret passage to the study when they put the cook’s body in the freezer.  Since it was a diagonal cut across the house, it’s reasonable that the killer could’ve guessed that a symmetric passageway led from the Conservatory to the Lounge, and found it fairly easily.  They couldn’t have known for certain, but it would’ve certainly been worth looking.

So who could’ve killed the cook?

Suspect	Murder: Cook
Ms. White	No opportunity
Mrs. Peacock	Yes
Ms. Scarlet	No opportunity
Professor Plum	Yes
Wadsworth	Not quite enough time
Yvette	Yes
Mr. Body	Yes, but unlikely

Mr. Body, however, is very unlikely to be the murderer.  Yes, he could've darted through the passageway to kill the cook, and yes, if he wanted to eliminate his spy network, he had motive.  The problem is: why wouldn't he pick up the gun?  

As long as he stayed on the floor motionless, he might have assumed that one of the suspects still had the gun, but if he stood up to kill the cook, there's no way he wouldn't have picked up that gun.


In fact, it seems quite odd that he didn't look for the gun as soon as the others left the room.  Hell, after getting the gun, he could've walked right out the door.  Which leads to my side theory: Mr. Body passed out when the bullet grazed his ear.  Being unconscious until someone came to murder him makes a lot more sense.  Speaking of which...
 

He's attacking her!

Suspect	Murder: Mr. Body in Hall
Ms. White	No opportunity
Mrs. Peacock	Yes
Miss Scarlet	No opportunity
Professor Plum	Yes
Wadsworth	Not quite enough time
Yvette	Yes

Although Wadsworth wasn’t immediately in the Kitchen with the others when they found the cook murdered, he didn’t have enough time to kill Mr. Body AND stuff him in the bathroom, so he’s out.

Anyway, since Mr. Green and Col. Mustard couldn’t have killed any of the first three victims, then those two couldn’t have killed anyone at all, because only the person who killed the Motorist AND burned the evidence (we know it’s the same person because otherwise the two people would’ve seen each other) could’ve known that all of the last three victims were spies.  

Of course, some of the characters didn’t need to see the evidence to want to kill those victims (White, Scarlett, Plum), but none of those people were Mr. Green or Col. Mustard, therefore neither of them could’ve killed anyone, which brings us to the conclusion:

The third ending, labeled in the movie as ‘what really happened’, is not plausible.

But are either of the first two endings possible/plausible?

Victim:	1st: Scarlett/Yvette	2nd: Mrs. Peacock
Cook	Possible, but Unlikely	Yes
Mr. Body	Yes	Possible, but Unlikely
Motorist	Yes	Yes
Yvette	Possible, but Unlikely	Yes
Cop	Yes	Yes
Singing Telegram Girl	Yes	Yes

For the record, both the first and second endings are ‘plausible’.  Neither ending, however, is perfect. 

For example, why would Yvette kill the cook so early in the 1st ending?  Miss Scarlett would’ve had to have given Yvette the ‘kill order’ before they even began revealing everyone’s secrets in the Study.  

In order for THAT to make sense, Scarlett must’ve planned to kill Mr. Body and all the accomplices from the start, but in order for her to know the accomplices were all coming, Wadsworth would’ve had to have told Yvette everything that was going to happen that night, and why would he do that?

Also, if Scarlett was that gung-ho to kill everyone, why didn’t she bring thugs with guns along, and kill EVERYONE after Mr. Body arrived?  Or at the very least, why not bring a gun of her own?  

Another problem with that same murder: why would Yvette risk being seen just to get the knife?  It was right at the door, but she didn’t have a way of knowing that before entering.  She could’ve just used one of the many knives in the kitchen.

Another strange thing with the 1st ending is Yvette’s cry of ‘it’s you’ right before she’s murdered. Who else could it have been?  She knew Scarlett was killing people.  Hell, she helped!  Yvette had every reason to be surprised at the betrayal, of course, but the exclamation ‘it’s you’ makes no sense.

There is of course one possible explanation: Ms. White could’ve been the one who killed Yvette in the 1st ending.  

It’s certainly in White’s murderous character, it explains Yvette’s surprise (expecting Scarlett and instead finding “the wrath of a woman scorned”), and there’s be no point in Scarlett protesting her innocence when she’d been caught for all the other murders.  Also, a rope is a real vicious and ‘personal’ way to kill someone, compared to a blow to the head, or gunshot.

[EDIT]

My cousins Alex and Tony Wanschura, in response to this article, pointed out that you can hear Miss White screaming as Yvette's walking down the stairs. Although this doesn't make it impossible for her to murder Yvette in any ending, it does mean that Yvette has to take her time getting to the billiard room, and not just go straight there.

Also, it's yet another strike against the third ending, because in that one, Miss White is supposedly the one to come down and switch off the power, but she's definitely upstairs screaming when Yvette's walking down the stairs in the dark. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Peacock’s ending, by comparison, is a lot cleaner.  She figures out the cook at the mansion is her old cook, murders her, accidentally finds the secret passage way, guesses that there’s another passage for the opposite side of the house, murders Mr. Body, examines and destroys the evidence, and then proceeds to kill the rest of Mr. Body’s informants.

While she’d definitely have to be VERY spry and full of energy in order to perform all these killings, there’s only one problem:

HOW the hell did she chase down and murder Mr. Body, a man half her age?  And WHY would he run? Why not grab a weapon and fight back against the 50-60ish year old woman?  Was she really that intimidating?! 

Move over Jason Voorhees....

Once again, there is an explanation, which would also explain ‘why a senator’s wife would need all that bribe money?’: a massive cocaine habit.

Suddenly her ridiculous outbursts, paranoia, unlimited energy, frequent trips away from the group, and ability to run down and murder a man half her age all make sense!

So which ending should be canon?  Either the 1st or 2nd works fine, but if you want my opinion, Mrs. Peacock’s ending has fewer plot holes/unanswered questions.  

Besides, I love 'evil' Mrs. Peacock.

Of course, Scarlett’s ending’s by far the funniest, so choose what you will.  

One plus two....

Just be warned:if you claim the 3rd ending is the real one, you better be ready to explain how Col. Mustard suddenly gained at least 2 of Superman’s powers.

What?  You want a definitive answer?  You demand to know, once and for all, exactly WHO did it?

Fine, it was Steve Wanschura, of Ewing NJ.

Never did trust that evil goatee...