Thursday, May 04, 2017

The REAL Suicide Squad

A far more complete answer, and more interesting one, is what order do they all die in?

Let's take a classic story, done many times, where literally every character in it dies.  I'm thinking Agatha Christie's 'And Then There Were None'.  

Okay, to get to a full 10 cast, let's expand it to:

1 Kenny

1 Sean Bean

1 Mrs. Seagal

2 Red Shirts (need more women in the cast, so they'll be two female red shirts: Ensign Vicks & Ensign Wedge)

2 Black Guys (Both played by Mykelti Williamson, as both Bubba from Forrest Gump, and Baby-O from Con Air, voted most likely to be near-death in a white protagonist's arms 1994-1997)

3 Orcs (named Shemp, Shemp, & Shemp)

Okay!  Let's get this rolling!

10 people invited to strange mansion on an island, no one sees anything weird or suspicious about it, blah, blah, blah.

Host is absent, but dinner is prepared.  They sit down to eat when a mysterious voice echoes from a record player, accusing each person guilty of causing a death.

Then, someone dies from drinking poison!  Sounds like a red shirt death to me.

"One choked his little self and then there were nine"

So that answers the original question from the start.  A red shirt is most likely to die before we even find out anything significant about them.  We'll say it's Ens. Vicks.

The boat's gone, and there's no way to escape!  Oh well, let's all just individually go to bed in our rooms.  I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

"One overslept himself and then there were eight."

Poisoned while asleep, and discovered dead in bed?  Sounds like a Mrs. Steven Segal death to me.  He discovers the body, vows revenge and...visits a modern dictator or something, I don't know.  I don't watch those movies.

The cast continues to be strangely unconcerned with all of this, and just sort of mill about the mansion getting picked off, not even bothering to stay in groups.  Sounds like orcs to me.

"Only two murders, so nothing to worry about.  Do da do..."

So three in a row:

"One said he'd stay there and then there were seven."

Heavy blow to the head...doesn't exactly match the rhyme, but whatever.

"One chopped himself in halves and then there were six."

Died while chopping wood.  Okay, a bit more on topic.

"A bumblebee stung one and then there were five."

Poison needle.  I'll accept it.

So the foolish wandering Orcs are all dispatched, and now FINALLY, the survivors think to lock up the dangerous weapons.  One person's gun is missing, because when you're trapped on murder island, you LEAVE YOUR GUN LAYING AROUND.

This may not be as good a book as people remember.  This is 'Friday the 13th camp counselor' level survival skills.

Let's hide behind the chainsaws!

Okay, then a person's found shot in the head and pronounced dead...that's a little more gruesome than the others.  I'm gonna assume that one's Kenny.

"One got in chancery (was summoned to court) and then there were four."

That leaves Sean Bean, Bubba, Baby-O, and Miss Wedge.

They then split up again...seriously?  I guess so.  If the Walking Dead is any indication, modern movies/shows are going to start killing minorities off when they reach about 50% of the total remaining cast, so we'll say Bubba mysteriously disappears.  Could he be the murderer...?

Poisoning with shrimp, stabbing with shrimp, shooting...

Shortly afterwards, another person wanders off for no reason, which sounds like a 'red shirt' move to me, so there goes Miss Wedge, crushed by a giant bear-shaped clock.

"A big bear hugged one and then there were two."

Wait, two?!  That's right, it turned out Bubba was killed earlier, and then found drowned!

"A red herring swallowed one and then there were three."

I'm going to assume he lives for a few more seconds, just to die in Sean Bean's arms.

This makes Sean Bean the aforementioned white protagonist, who knows he's not the killer, so he shoots Baby-O.

"One got frizzled up and then there was one."

Nic Cage isn't here to protect you now!

And then Sean Bean, overcome with guilt and grief, walks into the house and hangs himself, with the noose suspiciously prepared for him.

"He went out and hanged himself and then there were none."

So who was the true killer?


You bastard!

Yes, he faked dying, which means the doctor character REALLY sucked at telling if someone was alive or dead.  All he'd have to do was inspect the bullet wound a little bit, or check extra carefully for a pulse, and the plan wouldn't have worked.  

Regardless, he then commits suicide for real after writing down his deeds in a journal, and then there was truly none.

Honestly, looking back, "And Then There Were None" was pretty convoluted.

Or, going by the original title of the book:

NOTE: Stop reading if you want to keep thinking of Agatha Christie in a nice way.

Wait, what?!  

Seriously!  I went to the wiki, expecting '10 Little Indians' to be the original title, but apparently even THAT was a cleaned up, more PC version of it.

Agatha Christie: "I don't know, it just doesn't have the same ring to it..."

What the hell is wrong with you, Agatha/England?!

I'm just going to assume that Agatha got drunk on box wine, and sent the original title in as a joke, but the publishers had to all look at it and say:

"Yes, that is a title a reasonable human being would give to a mystery novel.  I certainly don't need to have some deep introspection over this decision."

In fact, that gives me an idea for a reboot!

England, 1939

The 10 member of the Collins Crime Club publishing company all sat down for dinner, when the lights went out, and a mysterious voice began to speak from a record player...

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