Okay, I had to take hostages in order to get the last few questions, but I did it! I apologize to any fictional characters who were almost brutally decapitated for the sake of blogging.

VINNY'S QUESTION

Q. If you could only eat/drink one thing in order to gain sustenance (assume you get complete nutritional value from this one thing) what would it be?

A. GOOD QUESTION!

The problem is, eventually we get sick of everything. If we only eat/drink/play/watch/do/talk about/think about/screw/ritualistically murder one type of food/drink/game/show/hobby/topic/topic/hooker/Peanuts character, then we're eventually going to get bored no matter how many times we decapitate Lucy.

So the one type of food would have to either encapsulate many different types of food, provide an innate form of variety, or provide a completely unrelated benefit.

Just to set some ground rules, I'm assuming I won't be suffering the negative effects from the food, as I'd die in a year if I had to eat a real fattening food every meal. No, this is so special kind of super food that has all the nutritional benefits, but none of the drawbacks...

I have to admit, thinking this out I had a few misfires. At first, I was set and ready to say cheesecake, but it'd have to be my own cheesecake, and they take quite a bit of prepwork to create. Unless I'd want to spend every night home making cheesecake, that's not going to work...

I almost went with Jelly Belly Jellybeans and their incredible number of flavors, but that feels like cheating. I have a feeling that I'd be stuck with one particular type of food, not a brand of a general type. I could choose cherry jelly beans, and I'd be able to live on cherry jelly beans from any company, but it'd have to be a specific flavor.

A part of me wants to select buttery garlic bread...oh it wants to select that so bad...but eventually even I'd get tired of...soft, fresh baked...NO MAX! PULL BACK! Besides, could you ever really choose between buttery garlic bread...still warm from the oven...AND RED LOBSTER CHEESY BISCUITS?!

Oooo...tough choice...GARLIC BREAD!!! GIVE ME...

...no, even that would get tiring after a while. I need variety! I need...

French Onion Soup

I'm not saying it's my all time favorite food, although I do enjoy it very much. The real allure is...well, come on, walk with me.

[Walks to Cape May]

Now...what? Well yes, I guess we could have driven, but...yes, I know it's really freakin cold out, but if you would...I really don't need to know how numb your genital area is right now man, I just need you to look HERE!

That's right, this is the 'Ugly Mug' tavern. Let's step inside. Now let's have a seat, order a couple of drinks, and more importantly, order two crocks of their french onion soup.

While we're waiting, I'm going to mention that I did consider making a surreal choice, but I knew very well that wasn't fair. If I could though, I'd definitely choose 1-up mushrooms from Super Mario Brothers.

Now, I'm not sure if Mario has to eat them or if he just absorbs them into his body, but in any case he is technically consuming them! The regular power-up mushrooms are tempting...double in height, break bricks with your fist or head, jump twice as high, survive a hit from anything including, but not limited to fire, cars, animal attacks and nuclear missles...but the extra life mushrooms are definitely more impressive.

Imagine this:

"Wow, that was some wild night in Vegas with all those hookers! Who knew there was a way to make sex even more unprotected than normal? Who knows what I might have contracted from that wild escapade..."

Walks into traffic, gets run over.

"And I'm back to normal, no problem at all! Gee, I probably shouldn't have borrowed that 100 grand from the mob to pay for that wild escapade! It'd be quite a shame if they were listening in and heard I had NO INTENTION OF REPAYING THEM!"

Gets thumb cut off and then gets capped in the head.

"Well I probably could have done without the experience of getting my thumb snipped off with a pair of bolt cutters...but hey, live and learn! Well, now I'm now back home from my wild trip. All I have to do now is go through the painfully long and tedious security screening process at the airport..."

Gets mauled by turtle.

"And I'm back home!"

Quite a setup huh? Now, a drawback would be that I'd have to eat the entire mushroom, and there's some question as to how large they get. In the video game they take up roughly the space of a 5 X 5 foot cube, which is kind of a lot of mushroom to eat through. On the videogame boxes the mushrooms fit in his hand...but why's he holding it? Do you have to hold the mushroom in order to get the benefit? Bear Wrestling (what? tell me you wouldn't want to try) and other ridiculous escapades would be kind of awkward if you had to hold a mushroom the entire time. Still, these 1-up mushrooms aren't real, so they're disqualified...oh good, here's our soup.

Go ahead, try it. Neat huh? No, it's not like other french onion soups you've tried. Yes, I am talking like Alton Brown right now, but hear me out.

This French Onion soup tastes a little bit like ale (in a good way), it's rich with deep onion flavor and there's a thick slice of cheese covered bread on top. This soup isn't too sweet, and it's loaded with red onion flavor!

Now let's walk back to Freehold. No, we can't take a bus. No sense arguing about it...JUMP CUT!

And we're back in Freehold! Let's walk down to the local Ruby Tuesdays.

Now he's a fairly generic bowl of French Onion soup, piled with bread and cheese. It's good, and almost nothing like the bowl we just had in the Ugly Mug. Another cut...

And we're here in Longhorns! No bread or cheese you say? That's more soup in the bowl, made with delicious meat drippings to give the onion soup a meaty kick...

And then it's over to Moore's tavern for a HUGE bowl of soup. Oof! Now that's what I like to see. Yum!

Go to any restaurant in the nation and you'll find French Onion soup, but no two will be the same. Of all the types of food in the world, none has more infinite variety than this simply dish, and you could eat it to gain sustenance for every meal every day, and you'd never get tired of it.

That's why, in response to your question, if I could only live on one type of food, it would definitely be...


FRESH BUTTERY GARLIC BREAD!!!


I've cracked! My brain's rebelled! It's too late for me! I'm locking myself in with all the garlic bread I can find and I may very well never come out!

SEND HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND HELP...and olive oil...

*SLAMS DOOR*

*OPENS DOOR AND PLACES 'DO NOT DISTURB' SIGN ON THE OUTSIDE*

*SLAMS DOOR AGAIN*