MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 1B

We're back, and to make the situation a little more clear, the judge has decreed that during my IMDB challenge, choosing 'My Pet Monster', the failed pilot/straight to video kids movie, was more than a little bit unfair, especially since it isn't even a movie, really, and the site prides itself in being a 'movie' database.

The first two movies, 'Dr. Alien' and 'God Told Me To' both still stand, leaving me and the website tied up, requiring a third movie to compete against. Because of the last personal foul, I will not get to choose the third movie personally, but an impartial third party (thanks Jenny!) has selected "Unico:".

Unico is a dubbed Japanese cartoon starring the ridiculously adorable tiny cat-sized, red headed unicorn 'Unico' that speaks in an adorable squeaky voice, occasionally sprouts fairy wings, and brings death and chaos everywhere he goes. This isn't exactly Unico's fault, as an evil dark queen follows in Unico's wake, in an attempt to destroy him for some reason I don't exactly follow.

This is outside the plot though, and merely serves as an excuse to drop Unico into brand new situations every movie, never being able to stay with his new friends, having to instead find new lives to unintentionally destroy.

In this chapter, which is the best in my opinion, there is an evil living puppet that hates everyone around him. Does he destroy them? No! Instead he just has his traditional dashing yet reluctant assistant help round everyone up, with the help of the assistant's awesome ability to cut down trees and turn them into flying tree-bikes.

After rounding up the helpless villagers, the evil puppet turns them into...remember those blocks we had when we were young that looked like little people but connected to each other? Yeah, he turns everyone into living building blocks like those, and makes his castle out of them. Overall, it's pretty elaborate considering the amount of thought most villains put into this kind of caper.

Anyway, in a traditional fashion, Unico wins friends, turns the heart of the villain's awesome reluctant assistant, helps the assistant find love, and then in a one-on-one battle, in an untraditional fashion, sprouts fairy wings and then brutally impales the main villain on his horn.

The villain clutches at the wound and then cries out that he feels 'Good!' as he explodes, ending the evil spell upon the villagers, and bringing an unlimited amount of love and friendship to the wonderful puppet killer, Unico, who basically just used the power of pure love to cleave a man in two.

Unspeakably awesome!

No time to celebrate though! Here comes the evil queen, so it's off to further adventures, you delightful horned psychopath you! Ta ta!


Bonus point for Max, for remembering that Unico is a boy, but it gets wiped out by the fact that Max forgot that Unico is based on a Manga. On to IMDB:


IMDB:


Unico: Mahô no shima e (1983)

(No picture)

(English title: Unico In the Magic Island)

Plot Summary:

The lovable Unico the Unicorn still sought after by jealous gods. (Huh?) Is (They're starting the sentence with 'Is'?) taken to the forest by the West Wind and forgets everything from his earlier fantastic adventure. Unico wonders (Wonders?) aimlessly into the deep forest and finds Melvin Magnificat a cranky cat that thinks he is the big boss of the forest. Unico also runs into Cheri a young girl who finds and then cares for Unico. Toby a wannabe magician, (Toby a wannabe magician what?)Lord Kuruku a powerful magician that has a grudge against the human race, (Lord Kuruku a powerful magician what?!)and many more new characters. (And many more new characters wh...ah just forget it)

...wait, that's it? That's all the plot summary we're going to get? Wow, apparently they did forget it. In fact, throughout the horribly written summary, they forgot to talk about the plot! Judges?

Indeed! Although Max did forget about the comic relief cat...but perhaps that's for the best.

MAX: 3, INTERNET: 2

POINT REGAINED

YEAH! TAKE THAT NAY SAYERS! I just knocked down the re-risen Internet Movie Database 'Whack a Mole' style!

Is that it? Of course not! Onto the war journal!

MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 6: SOMETHING AWFUL

March 11th, 4:30 pm:

I've got a free moment to myself, so I nestled up with my keyboard, fumbled for my pack of ciggs, remembered that I don't smoke, and started writing.

Mom, Dad, Amber, Heather and everyone else...I may not make it back alive from this one.

I keep telling myself that I'm ahead, that I don't have anything to fear, that all the judge has decreed is that I must sit straight through a specific Something Awful weekend web without standing up, significantly looking away or crying like a broken man.

How hard could that be?

Due to the nature of the battle, I'm afraid I won't be able to update you on my progress until after the battle...if I make it out alive. This is a site that prides itself on being awful, so in order for them to win, they're going to have to horrify me to the point of retreat...but I've sworn to myself that I will not retreat!

I will stand tall and strong, holding my shield or on it!

Wait! I hear their approach! The battle begins and I must leave. I'll write again as soon as I...












































March 11th, 4:57 pm:


I don't know if I can accurately describe what just happened.

Current level of faith in humanity: 100% (I'll update you on its progress. Like a video game, if it reaches 0%, I'm doomed)

It all started with a Yoshi fan-site. (99%) That's right, Yoshi the Mario Brothers dinosaur. It starts with people, each with their own drawing of Yoshi, talking about how great Yoshi is (98%). One of the members went on to say that he hates those 'serious jerks' that think they're stupid and if there was no consequence, he'd kill them all. (93%)

For a change there's someone with a Tails image from the Sonic games (94%) who's named himself 'Tails' (92%) and goes on about how much he loves his Yoshi plushie (90%) and that he's going to take it everywhere from now on (88%).

His next post is about gay sex with Tails (83%). A LONG post about gay sex with Tails (80%), using phrases such as 'wrapped his tails around' and 'nodded to give consent'. (76%)

If that wasn't enough, it goes on for more and more pages of Tails as a woman, with huge breasts, and in one case as a woman with huge breasts who is also a killer cyborg (66%).

Then we're back to Yoshi, who is drawn with black hair, in a suit, and with a backpack. He's crying over a picture of a red feminine Yoshi, on the wall behind him is the word 'sad' printed over and over, and below the picture is the tagline: 'a pic about how I feel at school'. I want to throw this kid's backpack onto the roof of the gym. (56%)

A member with an adorable and unique picture of Yoshi (58%) whines on and on about how she accidentally killed a lizard (56%).

A member with a generic picture of Yoshi announces: 'If this is spam, please lock. I am single and need a girl to love. :-(' (54%)

It's tails again and he's now a tall naked purple woman! (48%)

More whining. (46%)

Followed by a tense story of how they 'accidentally left their plush yoshi out in the rain, couldn't find it, and when they found it it was all smelly. Then he washed it and it was alright.' I wish I could punt people off the internet (44%)

The next post starts 'Have you ever been tricked in a Yoshi related way?' (40%)

Another kid woke up while sleeping in the middle of class, and for some reason shouted "Yoshi Rules!"

Actually, that's pretty damn funny.

Despite the horrifying pictures/gay fanfics involving Tails, I weathered through the battle with a full two fifths of my faith in humanity remaining. Sure, it was bad, but they were just kids! It all wasn't as bad as it...

It was then I saw the second website in the weekend web roll over the horizon. It's entitled: Jeffrey's Love Quest.

Is it Jeffrey's quest for love? No! It's about his incredible, intense love for...a cartoon character. (35%)

Specifically, his love for Rei Ayanami, the blue haired chick from Neon Genesis Evangelion (30%)

It starts about how much he loves her, and that she's his true soulmate (25%)

Some notable quotes inclue:


"Rei if you truly are real, I want you to know I love you with all my heart!" (20%)


"Rei is my goddess and my queen!" (15%)


A new user, David Jones, attempts to talk the poor fool down (20%)...


But to no avail. (15%)


"Even though I know she is not real, I love her." (10%)


"I know I'm like her, but then their is this other crazy evil side of me, especially when I'm mad." (5%)


"I know Rei is real in some special kind of way." (Stop)


"Not even death would be able to seperate us!" (Please stop)


"Rei Ayanami, you are what completes my soul, your the most important person in my life!" (For the love of all that is holy, please stop)


"YOUR MINE MY LOVE!" (I'm calling the police)


"Also I would love her and be with her for the rest of my life." (I'm dialing now)


"I'd especially marry her!"


STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP!!!


MAX: 3, INTERNET: 3


There is a horror which lurks in the souls of men, and I'm now completely convinced that this darkness connects directly to the internet, the final dumping ground for everything people would never actually share in public.

Man, I was prepared for gay fanfics, penile silicone injections and anything disgusting...but this, this never ending surge of whiny adolescent insanity...is more than this soldier can bear.

As a penalty, I'll have to grab something from the shop...but not a hand grenade shirt. That wouldn't go over well with mall security.

This battle is lost, but the war continues! Only three challenges left at most, and the end is near! Which one of us is going to slam down face-first into the mat?

Stay tuned!