The judge has decreed that one of my past victories was possibly unfair, and until the dispute is resolved, my record will go back down to 2-1. Which glorious victory of mine is being disputed? You'll just have to stay tuned and see...

MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 5: AMAZON

Amazon. Videos. Books. Games. It's basically Half.com for people who don't like to save money.

Seriously, you could take www.Amazon.com, make everything slightly used and half the cost, and you'd get www.half.com.

Well...Amazon has a lot else to offer, right?

Oh I don't know. That's why I'm here. TO CHALLENGE AMAZON TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!


Well not really to the death, actually. I haven't got the guts, and Amazon doesn't have a "life" to lose, so to speak. So let's just spar, gentleman-like, and whoever wins gets a point...and what the hell, a free punch to the face. I feel generous.

Amazon has gone to incredible lengths to determine what I would like, and frankly an accurate listing of all the movies/books/video games that I'd like to pre-order, is the only thing that could possibly get me to buy through Amazon. To be honest, I have, in the relatively recent past, found, pre-ordered and then purchased two books through Amazon.com in this manner.

Two...but not three.

The judge has therefore decreed that I am to look through my Amazon recommendation list and then check each item, to see if the price they're asking for it (plus shipping) is actually what I'm willing to pay for that item. I am also to wipe out any item that I already own from the list, leaving me twenty items that I might "potentially" buy. If they can recommend three items I'd actually buy, at a price I'd be willing to pay for them, they win! If this seems unfair, keep in mind that they only have to win 3 of the 20 items, so knock it off already!

The aforementioned punch to the face? If Amazon wins...I'll actually buy those items.

That's right, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Begin.

Page 1 of items:

"Princess Mononoke" on DVD, "Nausicaa" on DVD, "Chronicles of Narnia" on DVD (special 4 disc set), Fraggle Rock "Red" doll, and "Star Wars: Episode 3"

I could hem and haw around the issue, but I'm just going to come out and say it:

I didn't like Princess Mononoke. It was preachy, depressing, and Princess Mononoke herself was a traditional Japanese female lead: beautiful, weak and almost completely dependent on the male hero. I'm not willing to buy it at all. That doesn't help the fact that they want $20 for it.

Nausicaa...depressing...not "Grave of the Fireflies" depressing, but close enough. No sale.

Chronicles of Narnia is the kind of movie I assumed I'd eventually get through Netflix, most likely to watch Mike Nelson and the bots make fun of it. I'd possibly get it as a laugh for...$8...which is about $27 less than I'd have to pay to own this gem. Man, Amazon, do you really think you know me?

Apparently Amazon is selling toys now. I hadn't even noticed. A doll of Red the Fraggle? I'd prefer...almost any other fraggle really. I'd be willing to lay a five spot down for it though. And it costs...$15. Moving on.

Episode 3 holds a special place in my heart. Specifically the part that hates life and loves misery (what's with that part, anyway?). Oh sure, the movie had quite a few things going for it. Few, if you weren't aware, is officially "3".

Those three things were: Obi-wan (the real main character of the trilogy), General Smoker-cough, and Yoda McKillsalototroopers. I'd pay $13, out of pure, knee-jerk loyalty to Lucas.

The price with shipping?

...$12.99

DAMN IT!!! There's so many better things I could spend $12.99 on! Still, I promised, and I don't have to do it unless Amazon can come up with two more!

Onto page 2 of items: "Chicken Run" (the first good movie Amazon's offered) on DVD, "Castle in the Air" in paperback, "Star Trek: the Animated series" on DVD (shudder), "Robbie the Reindeer" on DVD (?), and "Rocky and Bullwinkle: Season 3".

Chicken Run was an honestly good movie...but it's one of those movies I honestly don't need to see again. I'd possibly pay $10...and they want $13. *Whew!*

Castle in the Air...generic kids fantasty...I don't want it.

Star Trek the animated series? They didn't burn that?! Do they need someone to help them burn it?! I'll pay $5 for a copy, just to burn it! The $43 they want (shakes head) is a bit too steep to warrant the destruction.

Robbie the Reindeer? What the hell is that and why is it getting recommended to be? $8 out of pure curiosity. The $15 they want is a bit much.

Rocky and Bullwinkle is always fun! It was fun in season 1 and season 2 of the DVDs (both I own), but is the third season really going to be any better? I mean, half the joke behind the show is that it's ALWAYS the same! I'd still pay $15 for it though. Of course, as a large, multi-disk set, they want $38. No dice.

Halfway through and only one item on my list!

Page 3: "Addams Family: Season 1" on DVD (might get burned on this one), "Capote" on DVD (okay), "The Dark Knight Returns" in paperback, "Aeon Flux" on DVD, and "Matrix Revolutions" on DVD

Ooooo...I'd actually buy the original Addams family on DVD. It'd spend...$19. What can I say? Gomez, Fester and Lurch are hilarious, and Morticia is HOT with a capital...oh, I guess it's already capitalized. Still, I'd marry, divorce, and re-marry her in a heartbeat (effectively giving her 75% of everything I have, but she's worth it...salivate...).

I'd pay $19 for it.

Sun of a gun, they only want $17.97

Oh well, I feel a lot better about that than Star Wars. Just one more and Amazon may have something...but I don't feel so bad about the next few possibilites.

Capote? The man who defined what it meant to be creative and gay!

Wait, that was Oscar Wilde. Nevermind, $5. They want $15, so moving on.

The Dark Knight returns was good...but not that good. It kind of fills the same void as Chicken Run. Fittingly, I'd pay $10...and fittingly, they want $13.

Aeon Flux and Matrix 3 both hold a special place in my adnoids. Unfortunately, those were cut out of me, so they get nothing.

Final page: "Dinosaurs: season 1 and 2" on DVD (eww...), "Saturday Night Live: the Complete First Season" on DVD, "Seinfeld: Season 7" on DVD, "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas", and "Naked Gun: the complete trilogy" (uh oh...that's bad for me, very bad)

I wouldn't slam the first and second season of Dinosaurs into my worst enemy's face...which ironically is the television show "Dinosaurs". Could I slam something into its own face? I guess I could slam its fist into it. Do television shows have fists? Huh...

Anyway, next is Saturday Night Live...and that humor is pretty dated. Still, there's fun to be had, so...$15...slightly short of the $49.00 they want.

If I had the sudden urge to watch Seinfeld, I wouldn't start with the last season, so I'd only give about $15, again short of the $39.00 asked for.

Otter's Jugband Christmas? That sounds...scary. I'm sorry Mr. Henson, there's limits. No touching below the waist and no Otter Jugband holiday movies. $8 only, and as suspected, they want $18.

Do people really pay these prices for these DVD's? This is a recommendation list geared towards me, so I can only assume that there are other me's out there who's willing to slam down another $10 to watch an otter puppet blow into a jug.

Wherever you are, other me's...don't...just don't.

Well, that about wraps up this...

AHEM!

Oh yeah...the last item.

Crap, I actually want the complete Naked Gun. I almost peed myself laughing after watching the first...the third was a little lame, sure, but the whole set! All at once...

CRAP! I'd pay $24...

What do they want...












Wait for it!













Only two more after this one!













WAIT! I CAN SEE IT NOW! STOP SCROLLING!













NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!















$21.99



MAX: 2, INTERNET: 2


When www.amazon.com scans me, does it scan me positively, seeing the good qualities within myself, or does it always scan me darkly...

In any case, it scans me well. I had no idea that there were actually deals on Amazon! I thought they were all ripoffs! It turns out that's just for everything else BESIDES movies.

Damn it...I actually have to pay hard earned money for Episode 3. BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH IT! SO THERE!

As a consolation to myself, I threw together a second blog, for the hell of it:

http://morbidhaiku.blogspot.com

Check it out and be slightly disturbed! ^_^

Next time: Is Something Awful really that awful...and will I get that disputed point back? We shall see...