MAX VERSUS INTERNET REAL HONEST TO GOD FINAL: SECOND LIFE

We're going to go through a simple point versus point style match, and we'll count them up at the end. For those of you just tuning in, my battle against the internet is in sudden death mode (ME: 4, INTERNET: 4, Draw: 1) and for the finale, Second Life is being matched against my 'actual life'. Let's do this!


SECOND LIFE: Requires computer.

REAL LIFE: Requires computer.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Free.

REAL LIFE: Taxes.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Choose your name.

REAL LIFE: I didn't get to choose my name...but my middle name is Max. Awesome.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 30 minutes.

REAL LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 13 years.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: "Someone know hot make box screen?"

REAL LIFE: "I'm looking for a book. It has a brown cover, and chapter one is about a guy driving a truck. Which book is that?"

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Shut people up with the click of a button.

REAL LIFE: Actually have to leave.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Requires Quicktime.

REAL LIFE: Requires Windows Media Player.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Boring free videos.

REAL LIFE: Mostly boring free television.

POINT REAL LIFE...BY A HAIR


SECOND LIFE: Walk like a jerk.

REAL LIFE: Up to you.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Free chain mail shirt.

REAL LIFE: Where the hell's my free chain mail shirt?

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Lift up and fly into the air on a whim.

REAL LIFE: Go to the airport, spend forever going through security, get cramped into seat meant for someone roughly 1/2 your size, sit next to a screaming baby, and watch your free Adam Sandler movie.

POINT SECOND LIFE, WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE


SECOND LIFE: No drowning.

REAL LIFE: Drowning. Man, that sucks.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: What the...I can't put down my arm. Now I'm just waving it around randomly while everyone stares.

REAL LIFE: Rarely happens.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Change day to night with a click.

REAL LIFE: Have to wait for up to twelve hours.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Randomly accosted by virtual pimp.

REAL LIFE: Rarely accosted by real pimp.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Pretend sex.

REAL LIFE: Real sex.

POINT AND PENICILLIN SHOT FOR REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Slow loading times, and buggy animation.

REAL LIFE: Fully realistic, real time animation.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: People hilariously plummet from the sky.

REAL LIFE: Rarely happens. Not so hilarious when it does.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Go anywhere with a click.

REAL LIFE: Has places actually worth going.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Free orgy room.

REAL LIFE: None that I know of.

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Sailor Moon themed islands.

REAL LIFE: None. Thank god.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: People randomly hang themselves.

REAL LIFE: Not so often, and never more than once each.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Run over small animals with your car! Ha!

REAL LIFE: Hilarious!

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Not allowed to have fun crashing cars.

REAL LIFE: Crashing cars not fun.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Walk straight through branches.

REAL LIFE: SMACK!

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Somewhat buggy. Get perpetually stuck in place and walk up walls.

REAL LIFE: Hey, I want to walk up walls!

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: People openly furries.

REAL LIFE: People secretly furries.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: No sense of touch or smell.

REAL LIFE: Pain and garbage.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: Buy virtual goods and pretend you have them.

REAL LIFE: Buy real goods and actually have them.

POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Mall has no snacks, munchies, slurpies, frosties or real teenage girls.

REAL LIFE: Has all that, but you're not supposed to look at the teenage girls.

REGARDLESS, POINT REAL LIFE


SECOND LIFE: Fire doesn't affect you.

REAL LIFE: FIRE BAD!

POINT SECOND LIFE


SECOND LIFE: No one does anything but obsess on sex and fictional characters.

REAL LIFE: You can see where I'm going with this.

TIE


SECOND LIFE: While minding your own business, turn around to find that a giant, seven foot replica of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetsons, is towering over you, with giant metal mincers, a horrifyingly mishapen head, and a greyish-flesh tone body.

REAL LIFE: Run screaming from the room and hide under bed, secure with the knowledge that you've never brought a Frankensteinesque pop culture reference into the world.

THE REALLY SCARY THING IS THAT SOMEONE SPENT MANY HOURS CREATING THAT. POINT REAL LIFE, WITH A VENGENCE


That's it. It's time to tally up. Drum roll, please.


...


...


Tension!


...


Suspense!


...


Imaginary sound effects!


...


SECOND LIFE: 12

REAL LIFE: 13




I won.


I won?


I WON!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!


MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET FINAL SCORE: 5-4-1


YES! The epic journey is over! Odysseus can finally come home, kill some suitors and sleep with his wife! After the good portion of the year, my battle against the over-hyped, porn spewing, ad-machine is over!


I CAN FINALLY SAY IT!








THE INTERNET WINS!!!!!!






Yes, the internet wins.

I got more points, defeated it in glorious combat, and it still wins.

Why?

The internet owns me.

It occurred to me, about halfway through the competition, that I probably should have a final round where I see how long I can go without using the internet...and I can't do it. Even if I only used it for work, I still need the internet for everything now, and it's accessible on virtually every computer on the planet! Limitless information and entertainment is merely one click away!

E-mail! Messaging! Ebay! Meeting people! Game groups! Blogs! Online stores! Wikipedia (remember having to go to the library?)! Cartoons! Porn...which I've heard other people quite enjoy! Research! Google! I-tunes! Free videogames! News! Immediate feedback! Free useful computer tool programs! Coupons! Movie reviews! Free TV shows! Netflix! Youtube!

THE SMUG SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT NO MATTER HOW FAT AND STUPID YOU CAN BE, THERE ARE PEOPLE A BILLION TIMES FATTER AND DUMBER!!!


Sigh...I can beat it in a competition, prove it's overrated and silly, but I can't deny that it's the most important invention since the computer itself.

Besides, thanks to the internet, and www.writing.com (screenname 'Blompkin'), I'm actually getting published next month in an independent magazine!

Specifically, 'How to Cook Roast Dragon' is getting published in 'Mississippi Crow' (issue 5), which will soon be available at www.mississippicrow.com!


Yes, I put up a good fight, but I feel like an eight year old who finally beat his seventeen year old brother in chess. Sure, I won, but he can still push me over on a whim, and I need him to drive me to the mall later.


In fact, I'm just going to say it: THE INTERNET RULES! It's most websites that suck!


Just not this one. ^_^