SUBSTANCE HAPPENS


What happened? What's going on?

I remember getting Mass Effect a week or two ago...and then everything after that is a blur. A very wonderful blur...

Well, apart from some of the 'choices' your character has to make. To demonstrate, here's an extremely short 'choose your own adventure' story. I'm only doing the Guy's version though, sorry Amber. Enjoy!


1. You're standing at the helm of the ship Normandy. You are [your name here] Shepard, the second in command of the vessel. Yes, like Riker, only without Troy...and you have to do something about that. No time now though, the commander is looking for you and he wants you to talk with an alien! Do you:

Agree and quickly go there like a good little boy? (go to passage 2)
Hit on the milf doctor? (go to 3)
Harass the disabled pilot (go to 4)?


2. The alien is waiting for you, and he's babbling, Matrix 2 style. Luckily, he's quickly interrupted by the deaths of thousands of people. Aliens are attacking the colony below, and the alien is going to judge your performance. Do you:

Heartily agree to do your job? (go to 6)
Whine about it like a bitch? (go to 6)


3. She's British and that's really damn hot. A quick check of the strategy guide unfortunately reveals that she's not a romantic choice. All you have is a girl with an ambiguous ethnicity, and a blue alien. Damn it. (go to 2)


4. "You can't walk and that's hilarious! Now shut up and earn that parking space, Mr. 'It's the future, but I'm still going to wear a baseball cap'." (go to 5)


5. Just kidding. Seth Green, you're awesome. Nice hat. (go to 2)


6. Either way (although whining makes you look like a wuss), you're now on the surface of the planet with a useless character that you're never going to include in the party again, and also...whoops, the third guy's already dead! Do you:

Interrupt the mission to make sure he gets a burial (go to 7)
Do something that isn't retarded (go to 8)


7. You make the proper funeral arrangements, and only a few dozen colonists are killed by aliens in the process. (go to 9)


8. Apparently that makes you evil. (go to 9)


9. The hot girl with the ambiguous ethnicity (half black? Spanish? Russian? Dark Italian?) arrives. She's hot, but stupid, and you can't help but notice she's trying REALLY hard to look pretty. Hell, her armor's pink, and it's designed so you can see the shape of her breasts. What the hell is the point in that? Amber thinks it's a storage pack for sandwiches, and I can't disprove that. Do you:

Pursue her as a love interest? (go to 10)
Wait for the alien chick? (go to 11)


10. Congratulations, you now have to act like a complete douchebag for the rest of the game (go to 12)


11. Nice choice! I bet she's hot. (go to 12)


12. ZOMBIES! Yes, Sci-fi zombies! You kill a hundred zombies and robots, and the good alien is killed by the main bad guy, but you don't actually see that. You were too distracted by all of the brainless colonists that are wandering around. Do you:

Kiss up to the ungrateful peasants? (go to 13)
Beat up the crazy guy? (go to 14)
Mercilessly extort everyone for profit? (go to 15)


13. Isn't it nice being a good boy? The survivors throw you a few trinkets and patiently wait for you to finish fighting all their battles for them. Even the stupid girl loses respect for you, and you soon resign in shame, left to do nothing besides a few guest spots for daytime television. Way to go, toolbag. THE END


14. BAM! Down he goes! Take that, mentally disabled person! Now all you have to do is push a blind man down some stairs, and your day is complete! (go to 16)


15. Why not? Whether through charm, or a gun pressed against their head, nothing's more profitable than intimidating the meek. As an afterthought, you supply your home address, so they can forward the world to you, should they ever inherit it. (go to 16)


16. You disable some bombs, yadda yadda yadda, and you get a vision of...*YAWN*, and before you know it, you've completely failed your mission. Well, shit. Pretty soon you're back at the main space station of the alien council. It's like a cross between the United Nations, the Mall of America, and a brothel. It's beyond awesome! Do you:

Do all the sidequests? (go to 17)
Go straight to the main plot? (go to 18)
Visit the brothel (go to 19)


17. No you don't. (go to 19)


18. You're not fooling anyone. (go to 19)


19. After a quick sidequest, you've got a very thankful and gorgeous blue alien girl ready to 'reward you for your services'. Are you:

Uninterested? (go to 20)
Already naked? (go to 21)


20. Amazingly, you get some very helpful information and a nice quest item. As an added bonus, you avoid inter-stellar chlamydia. Moseltov! Don't worry, there's an alien girl you can hook up with later who HASN'T slept with everything on the space station (including the cyber-dwarves, frog snobs, and half-elephants). Trust me, you don't want the details. (go to 24)


21. A wiser man may have wondered why they've never seen a male member of the blue alien race. Although the guide is vague, it's clear that there is only one gender of the blue alien race...and I think you can see where this is going. Although details are sketchy, apparently they are capable of MATING (not simply sex or screwing around, but full blown MATING), with BOTH men and women. She takes off her shirt, which is very nice, and then drops her pants. The theme from 'The Crying Game' plays in the background. Do you:

Run from the room, screaming? (go to 22)
Sleep with her anyway? (go to 23)


22. Your drinking buddies don't believe you, and frankly, neither do I. Have a few more beers and then tell us what really happened. (go to 23)


23. It's okay, we won't tell. Besides, you can just...you know...not go near that part of her body. She's still really hot...and lord knows Kirk would do it! You decide that if Captain Kirk would sleep with a blue alien hermaphrodite, then it can't be gay. You get inter-stellar chlamydia, and then leave. (go to 24)


24. You've finally made it to the real substance of the story! Enough with these pointless plot points, characters and backstory, IT'S TIME FOR SIDEQUESTS!


(End Part 1)