Substance Happens Part 2

I found out I was wrong (thankfully). The blue alien girls in Mass Effect don't have a...ahem...two for one deal. Instead, it's more like Kiff in Futurama. The blue alien girls fall in love, mate, and while mating they link minds with the other person. From this other person, they copy their mind and personality into themselves, and then subsequently place it into a child they give birth to, asexually.

Long story short, they simply clone themselves, asexually, but place aspects of their mate's personality and mind into their child. This means they can mate with literally any sentient creature. It's personalities that are getting passed on, not genes. This also explains why all the blue alien girls look alike. They're literally the same set of genes, cloned over and over.

Wait, this also means that they're a geeks dream! All they care about IS personality!

Oh well, we can dream. ^_^

Here we go, part two:

1. Despite your odd previous adventures, you now find yourself with at least two, that's right two hours of non-stop side-questing. You need to prove Saren framed you, and then infiltrate...I mean legitimately join the Specters, which are basically the alien council's personal FBI/CIA/GOON-SQUAD. So, what's your plan?

Go to the strip club? (Go to 2)
Get thrown off the case? (Go to 3)
Plan? (Go to 4)


2. A strip club. How unbelievably necessary. Despite the promise of lewd encounters, you can't help but suspect that the entire place was designed by some guy at a computer that not only hasn't ever been to a strip club, but has never even touched a woman either. The blue alien girls writhe around, but they couldn't be less sexy if they tried. A bald, middle aged guy is trying to get your attention. Do you:

Talk to him (Go to 5)
Shoot him in the head (Go to 6)


3. You're no fool. There's no way of solving the case without first getting thrown off it! Unfortunately, you aren't actually on the case...but you know a guy who was! Was he thrown off the case, and told not to go any further? You bet he was! We've found our guy! Where are you going to look for an off duty cop?

Strip club? (Go to 2)
Police headquarters? (Go to 7)
Randomly shoot aliens, hope he's one of the cops that shows up? (Go to 6)


4. You mean you don't have a plan? Well that's great! You know how long they spent making this gigantic, non-linear, space opera? You're really waltzing through it without a clue?! Fine, go to the markets or something. See if I care.

Go to the markets? (go to 8)
Something? (go to 7)
See if Max cares? (go to 9)


5. He's an old, drunk, and charmless corrupt cop. There's no rational reason he's still alive. You recommend suicide, but to no avail. Instead, he drops a clue that your Captain was...GASP! DUN DUN DUN!

Gasp? (go to 10)
Dun Dun Dun? (go to 11)


6. It turns out you can't kill non-villains. Frustrated, you decide to play 'Fable' for a while, instead, and wipe cities clean of life. Good times. THE END


7. After slogging through a few random alien 'could you check up on this guy' quests, you watch an awesome dinosaur guy verbally smack around a cop. He wants you to help him murder a guy who is withholding evidence for the case. Is this guy in?

He's in. (Go to 12)
He's so in. (Go to 13)


8. Holy shit, everything's really fricking expensive. All you can buy is the right to buy more types of items. Of course, you can pawn 90% of your stuff just to get a single gun...

Let's do that (go to 14)
Let's not do that (go to 15)
Shoot the vendor, grab all the merchandise, fly to the planet Mexico (go to 6)


9. I do, I was bluffing. Have some cheesecake and go back to 4.


10. He and the villain have a history! Not that kind of history, the kind you get thrown out of the army and boy scouts for, but the other kind, where the villain once royally screwed him! Not that kind of royally screwed him, the kind you get thrown out of the army and boy scouts for, but...oh never mind. You also find out where to find the renegade lizard cop. (Go to 16).


11.George, George, George of the jungle, friend to you and me! AAAYYAAAA! AAAYYYYYAAAA! Watch out for that tree!

Watch out for the tree (go to 17)
Too young to get the reference (go to 18)



12. Of course he is! Give the man a shotgun and go to 19


13. Now that sounds a little weird. Easy does it, sailor. Give the man an assault rifle, and go to 19.


14. Sounds good to me! Screw your horribly equipped teammates! You now have a big fricking gun! Unless of course, you're a class besides Solider. In that case you just lost everything. What, are you going to cry about it?

No (go to 15)
Yes (go to 20)


15. You're going to need some extra help. Where to?

Police station (go to 7)
Strip club (go to 2)


16. You find the renegade lizard cop in the hospital, stealing your thunder. He caps a bad guy in the head, saves a hostage, and wants in. Is he in?

Yes (go to 21)
No (go to 22)


17. Whew! Close call! Go to 10.


18. Dang fangled teenagers. Back in my day we didn't have anime! We watched serialized cartoons about retarded animals, guys in high school mascot outfits, and ridiculously ineffective super teams! They weren't used to sell video and card games, either! They were used to sell toys! THE END FOR NO APPARENT REASON


19. Do you have both aliens?

Yes (go to 23)
Not the renegade ex-cop (go to 2)
Not the awesome Krogan (go to 7)


20. They hand you around prison like a collection plate. I don't know how you got in prison, or what that has to do with Mass Effect, but I heard the line yesterday, and wanted to use it. Sorry about that. Try and walk it off. THE END


21. Good! Give him a sniper rifle and let the iguanaman stand in front. (go to 19)


22. Eh, fuck him...and not that kind of fuck him, the kind you get kicked out of the army and boy scouts for...on second thought, that joke is getting old. Better give him a sniper rifle and bring him along. (go to 19)


23. Okay! It's time to go to the strip club and kill everyone. Do you:

Go to the strip club and kill every other person? (go to 24)
Go to the peaceful alien embassies and kill everyone? (go to 25)
Go to the peaceful alien embassies and kill every other person? (go to 26)
Go to the strip club and kill everyone? (go to 27)


24. You get your ass handed to you by the guards, and not that type of ass handed to you, the kind you get kicked out of the army and boy scouts for. Last time, I promise. THE END


25. Why you chowder-head! I know your heart was in the right place, but you forgot who you were killing again! Things get a little tense at the human embassy after that, but your boss assures you that everything's going to be fine, and if you would just look that way for a moment, he'll tell you about the rabbits again. THE END


26. Despite your assurance that it was technically a better choice than #25, your boss still puts you down, John Steinbeck style. THE END


27. Enough with the high school literary references! You kill absolutely everyone in a gleeful fit of mayhem, and have the chance to show a shred of mercy by sparing...

KABLAMO! (go to 28)
ZZZZZAP! (go to 28)


28. Fuck yeah! You step over their corpses and find the boss. After blowing up his annoying robot sentries, he tells you that you only have a few minutes to go save the techno-gypsy alien chick before she dies! Krogan offs him, which is hilarious, and you go to save her. This is it! It's now or never!

Now? (go to 29)
Never? (go to 30)


29. Yay! The assassins are dead, you saved the hot, yet untouchable, two-toed alien gypsy girl, and you have all the evidence you need to both discredit Sarek and join the intergalactic gestapo! Moseltov! Go to 31.


30. You douchebag. No cheesecake for you. THE END


31. You've made it! Wait, you missed 500 other small sidequests...well, better do them before moving on. You're going to have a lot of plot related encounters, and it just won't be the same unless you mercilessly crush them under the heel of your 50th level character's boot. Be sure to pick up your inter-stellar license to kill on the way back to your ship. From now on, the whole universe is your oyster, to shell, eat live, and then slowly digest! Congrats!

END PART 2