MY CONFESSION

It started with a late night confession, and ended with Amber throwing a plastic bottle at me. I'm just coming right out and saying it, and everyone else can either judge me innocent or guilty as they please:

I like 'Howard the Duck'.

No, not the comic, the movie. Yes, that movie.

Bear with me.

I'm not saying I love the movie. I don't own a copy, and have no desire to own one. However, if it was on television, I'd watch it. If it was chopped up into several pieces and put on youtube, I'd check it out. If I already picked out two movies for a 3 DVDs for $5 special, and I saw 'Howard the Duck' in there...

It gets worse I'm afraid. I think Howard the Duck is as good a movie as UHF.

*SMASH*

ARGHHHHH!!! I SAID 'PLASTIC BOTTLES', NOT BEER BOTTLES!!!

Spare my life for a moment, and let me explain. UHF is a funnier movie, no doubt, but over half of it is padding. Just about every scene that has Weird Al in it is absolutely hilarious. Then Fran Drescher shows up. Then Kramer starts screaming about his mop, as he pulls things out of his ears and nose. Then there are midgets. Then there's a 'little guy' versus 'big guy' script that makes Caddyshack look like Shakespeare.

To make it worse, there's only two weird Al songs in it, and neither of them are very funny. Don't get me wrong, there are scenes of the movie I absolutely love. Both of his fantasy scenes, the commercials for the shows, the martial artists, Phyllo, the bastard evil boss, Emo Phillips, and Uncle Nutzy's playhouse are hilarious!

*TIME TRAVEL SMASH*

OW! Hey, that last bottle was from me, six years ago. Yes, past self, I know it seemed better back then, but each time I watch UHF, the annoying parts become all the more annoying.

Okay, back to Howard the Duck.

*BOP*

Thanks for sticking with plastic, Amber, it's appreciated.

Howard the Duck has many flaws, but at no point is it annoying to me. The 'duck' jokes aren't funny, admittedly, but the atmosphere is interesting, Howard himself is funny, and the movie is pure 80's.

Also, the girl in it, Lea Thompson (she played Mcfly's teenage mother, in the past, in Back to the Future) is HOT. Again, there are plenty of later movies where you can see her naked, but she was at her peak (and in her underwear) in Howard the Duck.

Now, I realize the IMDB average rating of 3.9/10 isn't helping my case, but even if the writing isn't great, character actor Chip Zien, the voice of Howard, pulls it off with genuine charm, and Tim Robbins is delightfully goofy. To add to it, almost no one in the city really cares that Howard is a Duck. He spooks some, but for the most part they just ignore the alien wandering through their city, and rather than it being unbelievable, it comes off as delightful satire.

Just as you think things are wrapping up, the movie becomes ridiculously epic, giant killer aliens show up, and Jeffrey Jones (the dad in Beetlejuice, who has bit parts in at least a million movies) is really funny as the 'possessed' scientist. What can I say? The movie works for me. The soundtrack's pretty good too, especially the song that plays the first time, when he first lands on Earth.

The only creepy thing is that despite all of Lucas' special effects (yes, this is a Lucasfilm production, although he didn't direct or write it) it's disappointing that they still had to use the 'midget in a costume' technique for all the scenes. Almost anything else would have been better. A guy in a full sized suit? A cartoon effect? Hell, the movie itself probably would have worked a LOT better as a cartoon, rather than live action.

Okay, there's one other bad thing: 111 minute run time. Lucas, I'm blaming you. You can't tell me you couldn't chop 25 minutes out of that movie. It isn't as heavily padded as UHF, but come on. It's a movie about a small, talking duck. Get over yourself.

Final rating 8/10

UHF's Final rathing 8/10


*BANG*

DAMN IT! I can't tell who's shooting at me, but it's most likely either Weird Al, Lucas' goons, Mitch, or evil pineapple.


MITCH: "SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!"

ME: "God damn it! I knew you'd show up,eventually. So what have you been up to?"

*BANG*

ME: "Oh...right."

*THUD*


As the paramedics revived me, I realized that there's a hole in my theory, and it's 'Ernest Goes to Prison'. Before you judge, this is actually a pretty funny movie, and by far the best of the Ernest movies. Whether you like or hate Ernest, you have to admit that you'd love to see him try and survive in prison.

Wacky gimmicks and a delightfully over the top performance make the movie worthwhile, despite the dumb moments here and there. More so than any other time, you get the feeling that Ernest has dropped out of his zany, stupid world, and somehow wound up in reality, with hilarious results, most of which involve him suffering horribly.

Here's the hole: I like 'Ernest Goes to Prison' better than 'Howard the Duck'.

I'm sure no one can fault me for that.

The catch is, I like 'UHF' better than 'Ernest Goes to Prison'.

Suddenly, I'm caught in a geeky Star-Treky paradox. How can UHF be better than Ernest Goes to Oz, but just as good as a movie as Howard the Duck, which is worse than Ernest Gets Shivved?

Am I forgetting how bad Howard the Duck really is? Has my mind gone through a horrible trauma, and recreated Howard the Duck into a movie much better than it actually was? How could I possibly tell?


MITCH: "Hey! I have an idea!"

ME: "Oh really? What is it?"

*BANG*

ME: "Why do I keep forgetting about that?"

*THUD*