GREAT MYSTERIES SOLVED

Every now and then, as I surf the net, I come across a 'Greatest/Weirdest/Most Unexplainediest Mysteries' link, and see men with microphones ask incredibly deep and meaningful questions including, but not limited to: What's that? Did that guy really do it, or was it some other guy? How did they make that darn thing so big? OMFG GIANT SQUIDS!!!

Okay, so that last one isn't so much a question as a statment, but at least it's interesting. The other questions...are not so interesting. So, I thought I'd do my part for the sake of good television/reading and just wrap these up as quickly as possible. If you have any counter-point/disagreement, please feel free to enter the special comment/reply screen by pressing the small X in the upper-right corner of your browser. Now, let us begin.

BIGFOOT

Hairy guy. Next.

STONEHENGE

Ancient weathermen with WAYYYYYYYYYY too much free time. Just take any modern Weatherman who obsesses over 'dew-point ratings', drop him in ancient times, you get this.

HOLY GRAIL

Cup used by Christ at the last supper. Significance in bible (not the significance of the event, but the signifigance of the physical cup itself): very very little. Significance for historians/crusaders/Indiana Jones: ridiulously high. I'd love for them to finally find it after all these centuries, and then realize...*AHEM*...IT'S JUST A CUP! I mean, as far as I know, no one is focusing nearly as much on any of the other relics from the past...especially the ones that are much more durable than something made of wood. By the way, is anyone trying to find that weird table they had the last supper on? You know, the strange one that you can only sit on one side of? No? Well then, let's just move on.

ATLANTIS

Island nation during the time of ancient Greece/Rome. The only two things they are known for are having had a navy, and then disappearing. Volcano, earthquake, fissure, tsunami...just pick one of the hundreds of disasters that could have caused it to sink and then move on.

AZTECS WORSHIPPING ALIENS?

No.

OH WELL...ANY ALIENS?

No.

OH...WHAT ABOUT THE SIGHTINGS IN...

For the love of God! NO!!! There are no alien visitors coming to earth...well actually there is one case. Recently, scientists found a microscopic lifeform that doesn't match any known type, that is capable of surviving and reproducing within a complete vaccuum. Their main theory is that it rode on a meteor down onto our planet. Not front page news of course, but really the only way an alien is going to reach here. It's just too damn far away. Even if they travelled the speed of light, it'd still take decades to centuries to make the trip, and even if they could and did...what could they possibly want with us? In an intergalactic sense, we're nobodies. We've never even been to the end of our own solar system. I'm sure there's other life out there somewhere, but they're never going to reach all the way over here. Asteroids, airplanes, luminous gas, moonshine, DT's, paranoia and low self esteem are the real sources of alien conspiracy theories. Let's move on.

LOST TRIBES OF *FILL IN THE BLANK*

Uh...people in the past either had kids...or didn't...and descendants of those kids are around today...or they're not. If you want to believe you're descended from the lost tribe of whatever...then go ahead, I won't stop you. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

(This next one I'm going to cut and paste the exact words from the website)
DELPHIC ORACLE: PREDICTED THE FUTURE BASED ON WATER AND LEAVES?

There are literally six paragraphs underneath that title, and you know what? I refuse to read them. I'm going to post a comment on that site, and it will read: "You do know that this is the dumbest title in the history of mankind, don't you? Are you seriously considering the possibility of predicting the future through water and leaves? I'm a fair man, I've got a plastic cup of water and a pine needle in front of me. Just e-mail be the exact methods I should use, I'll send you back the lotto ticket numbers, and then we'll split the money. WAIT! I'm getting a vision...the ancient divine powers of two of the most common items on the planet are giving me the message...3...5...9...THAT'S IT?! PICK 3?! WHAT A RIP-OFF!"

KING ARTHUR: DID HE EXIST?

Possibly, but in any case we have no idea what he was actually like. There may have been a King in ancient England who was possibly named Arthur, but that's all we know. On the other hand, there are hundreds and thousands of actual people throughout history that we know existed and have very interesting and unique histories...but no one really cares about history, they want interesting stories. This is the kind of thing that annoyed Shakespeare back in the day. He wrote brilliant historical plays based on real political figures, and what does everyone go and see instead? Robin Hood. The Shakespearian equivalent of the latest brainless summer blockbuster. Julius Ceasar, Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan, Jonny Appleseed...just aren't as interesting as King Arthur, Pocahontas, Guan Yu, and Billy the Kid. These magical, mythical characters have histories that include far more myth than fact, and are almost always considered more interesting than verifiable historic figures and events. There's no mystery about that. Whether King Arthur was real or not, England still got its knightly ass handed to it by the Vikings afterwards, so let's just move on.

ARK OF THE COVENANT:

See 'Holy Grail' entry.

POPE JOAN

A woman disguised as a man becoming pope? It's possible. Back in those days, the position of Pope was far more a political position than a religious one. There were popes that literally assassinated their way to the top, who were later artistically rendered in the stained glass windows of certain churches, burning in hell. Let's just leave it at: there were a lot of strange popes back in the day. Let's just move on.

GARDEN OF EDEN: WHERE WAS IT?

Uh...I'm not touching this one with a ten foot pole. Moving on...

NOAH'S ARK: COULD IT HOLD THAT MANY ANIMALS?

Don't make eye contact, just keep moving...

GHOSTS

I've heard/seen/read and spoken to a lot of sketchy people on the subject, and I've come to the conclusion that whatever happens after death, we don't stay behind to visit. Ghosts are never seen by people who don't believe in ghost, are never caught on film, and never appear in the places where you would expect to have them: hospitals, prisons, old-age homes, old battlefields, museums and scenes of great tragedy. Also, do you know who sees them? People who believe in ghosts, who went out looking for ghosts, had a few drinks before searching, and when not ghostbusting, work the day shift at your local Wawa. Basically, rather fittingly, the cast of Scooby Doo (and Thelma's just there so she can try to get in Fred's pants, but will settle for Shaggy if necessary...and that's another post).

PET ANGELS

Okay, I'm not going to touch the subject of guardian angels, but as far as I know, no major religion believes in dead pets coming back to help their owners. Sorry. Come to think of it, would you want the ghost of your pet coming back, barking at all times of the night? If so, then I just recommend you get another dog. You can buy them and stuff. Pets are totally replaceable. It's great! (On a side note, I don't have the heart to break it to those people who spent 10,000 dollars on their pet's operation that they can just get another pet. It's not like, the last dog/cat on the planet. Man, aren't they going to feel stupid?)

DID FDR KNOW PEARL HARBOR WAS GOING TO BE BOMBED/DID BUSH KNOW THAT THE 9/11 WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

No and no. I've had many discussions on the subject, and it all comes down to the fact that the government would never knowingly allow the destruction of American land/military forces of that scale. I'm sure that FDR knew that Japan might possibly attack, and Bush knew that terrorists might try something somewhere at some time, but let me ask you this: if Japan attempted to bomb the naval forces and failed, or only bombed even as little as a single ship, do you honestly believe that wouldn't start the war? World War 1 started for America because of the sinking of a single ship, and it certainly wouldn't have taken more than that to start WW2. There's no precedent for allowing the loss of that many resources just when the mere attempt of an attack would have been enough to start the war. FDR knew a pre-emptive attack from Japan was possible, but the only other viable option was retreat. In the same way, if they caught the terrorists in the act on 9/11, and the planes didn't crash, do you really believe we wouldn't have gone to war with the Taliban? Do you really think the president would go on television and say, "Well, the Taliban attempted and failed to strike a deep blow to America's heart...and I've had a very stern phone conversation with Osama, and if he ever tries to kill thousands of Americans again...then we'll definitely do something about it!" I'm all for taking a more moderate approach to world politics and the middle east, but I wish these political enthusiasts had theories that at least made a small amount of sense.

PSYCHIC POWERS

There's a lot of different "unexplained" psychic powers, so I'll do my best to sum up: the brain's only connection to the world is through your senses and limbs. You can read expressions and the sound of a person's voice, but not their mind. You can only bend spoons directly with your hands...and why would you want to bend a spoon anyway? You can intuitively guess what the future is, but you can't see it. You can see a hundred things in a single dream and one of them may resemble something that happens later, but you're ignoring the other 99, which may very well include your 8th grade science teacher staning on his head, a pink duck, and a giant killer number 2 pencil. People that believe they're psychic have the habit of ignoring every moment of their lives where they weren't psychic, and obsessing over the moment they ABSOLUTELY KNEW they were going to win a free whopper on the scratch off ticket. If you meet one, please hit them for me. Just tell them I was psychically controlling your arm.

PYRAMIDS

With enough know-how, slave labor and whips, anything is possible.

DOWSING

*SMACK!*

LEVITATION

*SMACK!SMACK!*

DA VINCI CODE...

Baby, why you gotta make daddy hit? *TRIPLE SMACK!!!*

MYSTERIOUS CLOUDS

You know, I think I'm just going to stop here. People believe some really stupid things. I wouldn't be surprised, but some of these people seem very intelligent, and put an amazing amount of time and effort into researching all this. Why can't they see it's pointless? Why isn't it enought to accept that the world is the way it is, and if it isn't a spiritual belief and it isn't a legitimate scientific theory, then it's probably just psuedo-science, which is fancy talk for 'crap'.

I think they're just looking for something to make them special and important, and proving that something mythical is in fact real will do that, but so will getting a steady day job in a field you enjoy.

So, I'm going to do my best to give these people a head start, and say the following:

There are no alien visitors, no bigfoot, no such thing as psychic powers, no ghosts rising from the grave, the Aztecs weren't even advanced enough to get beyond ritual slaughter, and if the president ever ordered people to allow an attack on the nation, he'd be immediately removed from power. Cripes, the president can't even have a wild fling with a chubby intern, and people think the government would allow him to give the 'thumbs up' to a foriegn attack on U.S. soil?

You know what, who am I to tell you otherwise? Enjoy your conspiracy theories, scratch-off lotto tickets, American Idol, Dan Brown novels, Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, and John Edward performances. Me? I'll be busy on wiki, adding 'Note: not actually true' to all the conspiracy sites.