The rumors are true. Last night, I rejoined the larping community, otherwise known as the dregs of the gaming community. Let me assure you, the way gamers compare to normal people, is the way larpers compare to normal gamers.

Overall, it was slightly better than my last attempt to larp, mainly because I was playing a wacky, zany soldier of fortune rather than a moody vampire. Still, as a cautionary tale, this larping event has prompted me to bring you:

THE FIFTY THINGS I LEARNED FROM LARPING!

1. Vampires are fat.

2. You can't just 'do' something. In normal roleplaying games people have unnecessary things like 'dice' and 'rule systems' weighing them down, but in Larping this has all been streamlined and replaced with 'rock-paper-scissors', 'decks of cards', 'arguing', and 'nothing'.

3. Unlike a normal gaming group, if you want to play as a movie/video game character, they don't hit you.

4. Remember to bring food. Larpers subsist almost completely on caffine.

5. The pretty girls always have boyfriends (pretty much true anywhere).

6. Police officers like to know why you're all running around an empty parking lot at midnight while wearing capes and fighting with toy swords (and let's face it, you don't have a good excuse).

7. Throwing your hands into the air and stomping off is an acceptable way to end an argument.

8. The girls wearing the very tight corsets, with their chests hanging out a foot in front of them, want people to look at their breasts. If they didn't, they wouldn't be wearing that outfit (I checked with several women I know and have confirmed this). Still, it may or may not be polite and/or safe to stare for long periods of time, especially if they have boyfriends nearby. Corset-wearing girls go from the regular, slightly reluctant women who just want to look pretty and were encouraged to wear a corset by their friends, and all the way down to the girls who talk about their massive busts with the guy in front of them in line, play with their breasts when they're bored (an admittedly cheaper alternative to a gameboy), and use their cleavage as extra carry-on space for loose cash and pixie sticks. I'm not saying that it's alright to outright stare at these girls, but getting guys to stare at their chests (and possibly other girls too, even if it's just to put the fear of God into them) is why they're wearing a corset in the first place.

9. Larping guys think they look good with a beard. This couldn't be further from the truth. No one under the age of thirty five looks good with a beard.

10. Larpers Are Really Perverted, but that's not what it stands for.

11. Even though it's 'live action', you can't just outright punch another player. Flip a card from your card deck, choose rock, and then punch him.

12. With just a little effort, any Game Master can be brought to tears.

13. If you don't want to hear about the characters of complete strangers, then don't show up.

14. Vampires don't shower (must be the running water thing).

15. Everything is excusable as long as it's done in character, including adultry, venemous attacks to a player's manhood/personal character, and murder. For example:

ANNOYING GUY: (Says really bad joke)
GM: "You, what's your name?"
MAX: "What, my real name, or character's name?"
GM: "Either."
MAX: "Max."
GM: "Max, kill him."
MAX: "Do I get experience for this?"
GM: "As long as you do it in character."
ANNOYING GUY: "Huh?"
MAX: (Raises prop guitar) "CABONG!"

So I killed him El-Cabong style, earned 20 experience and never felt better! So bite that guy you don't like, have a threesome with that sketchy married couple, and go on that caffine induced rampage! Just tell the cops tomorrow morning that it was all in character.

16. You can fit fifty people (or thirty gamers) into a hotel room if you try hard enough.

17. Smile and nod. I don't understand what he's talking about either. Just smile and nod.

18. Bring a book.

19. Monty Python references are going to happen, so just accept it.

20. Every now and then you're going to find someone who really cares deeply about the game, and corrects the gamemaster every five minutes in order to make sure the rules are followed as precisely as possible.

It is your responsiblity, as both a gamer and a human being, to mess with these people as much as humanly possible. Throw food at them (both in and out of character). Report their activity to 9-1-1 (both in and out of character). Hit on their sister/girlfriend/mom while they're standing 5 feet away (both in and...well, you get the idea). Hit them repeatedly with a nerf sword. Hide their backpack. Interrupt everything they say. Point and laugh at their misfortune. If they kill your character, just make a new one and continue your assault. If they run off crying, never to Larp again, then your work is done.

21. Stay in the back of the group and play with your cell phone until you're at least level 5.

22. Going to a Larp in a nice dress is the easiest way for women to get a lot of attention (which is why, I suspect, Larps were started in the first place).

23. If they give experience for attending pointless events (like clan council meetings) just claim you went. If it isn't quite enough experience to get you to next level, claim that it is. Gamemasters don't check. Lie like there's no tomorrow.

24. Nothing happening? Take a nap.

25. Massive rules update? Make a new character.

Just kidding! Spend hours upon hours recreating your character through a painfully complicated mathmatical process that takes one hour per person for all thirty players, causing the GM's eyes to bleed. You weren't planning to actually get to play this convention anyway. Remember, anything is better than suffering the ultimate damnation: restarting at level one!

26. Just walk away from annoying people. They'll simply move to the next nearest person and continue talking. If cornered, fiddle with your cell phone until they go away.

27. Despite the fact that the words 'live' and 'action' are in the name, LARPing is slower than a jigsaw puzzle tournament.

28. There is such a thing as a jigsaw puzzle tournament.

29. If you volunteer to help run a gaming event at the LARP convention, you'll be judging the jigsaw puzzle tournament (I learned this the hard way).

30. Bring paper and pencils. When you're bored, doodle.

31. A message to all women: don't let these guys hug you. They're most likely sticky, almost certainly creepy, and if you touch them, they're going to follow you around for the rest of the day. Still finding it hard to turn them away? Do they seem adorable in a pitiful kind of way? Borrow their laptop. Look through their movie files. Open any file marked 'hentai'. Now try again.

32. If you start dating a girl/guy you meet at a Larping event, this will become your every weekend.

33. Have other people make your character. This will save a lot of aggravation later. Just look for the big, older, extremely geeky guy that everyone brings their characters to...

...hey, wait a minute!

34. After your character is properly min-maxed out, simply do whatever you want. For example:

GM: "Your mage hovers silently above the entrance to the Omnicorp complex where the ambassador is being held hostage. After successfully casting invisiblity, you land unnoticed next to the gate's single guard. Your dark, magical aura surrounds him without him or the security cameras noticing. You are currently at 95% of your maximum mana. What do you do?"

Max: "I hit him over the head with a hammer."

GM: "Ooooookay...you successfully hit, leaving the entrance completely undefended."

Max: "I take his taser."

GM: "Alright, and then what?"

Max: "I leave."

35. Have a laptop? Bring it.

36. Don't have a laptop? Borrow one and keep it as long as you like. Most Larpers won't have the spine to demand it back.

37. Fall upon free food/drinks/candy/samples like a wolf among lambs.

38. Then: Star Trek references. Now: Homestar Runner references. (Hey, it's not all bad)

39. There are people more into Homestar Runner than me.

40. Women wearing stylish black business suits that cover them from neck to toe, coupled with black lace gloves, boots and little to no makeup, are actually far more attractive than girls wearing lacey over-tight 'Hot Topic' dresses, coupled with rediculously small corsets, six inch heels and little to no shame.

41. You'd have to go to a trailer park to find worse teeth.

42. The more elaborate the costume, the more pitiful the life (more true for men than women, as slinky black dresses are fine for other occassions, but full suits of plate mail, complete with animated shoulder dragon, are not).

43. The fantasy wrestling leagues don't actually have wrestling in them. Pretend you don't know this, put on the Halloween mask of your choice and charge the GM. (Note: It's probably best not to do this if the Hotel room is rented under your name)

44. Don't let the hotel room be rented under your name.

45. Remember that nice girl/guy that you talked with for almost an hour and convinced you to join the LARP? They won't be there when you go. I don't know why, but this always seems to be the case.

46. Have absolutely no expectations. Get a drink of diet soda, glance at the hot girls/guys out of the corner of your eye, and watch geeks flip out at eachother while pretending to be vampires.

47. If you do #46 at the mall on any friday night, it's free.

48. Bored? Leave. Go to the mall.

49. If you do stay, then live it up. Don't run from those werewolves, fight them! Steal a tank and head for the enemy base! Wage an all out nerf war with the Galactic Senate! Beat the lich king to death with a crowbar or die trying! Go out with a bang! Hit the annoying guy with a guitar! Do something!

50. No refunds.