THE BOY WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS

The tortoise and the hare. Everyone knows this classic tale. A race is set up (for what reason is unclear) between a tortoise and a hare, the race starts, the hare gets way ahead, the hare decides to take a nap and the tortoise wins! The moral: slow and steady wins the race.

No it doesn't.

Slow and steady has never won the race. Can anyone recall a famous runner whose strategy was 'slow and steady' taking the gold? Bronze perhaps, but the gold? Are naps standard practice within footraces? What kind of idiot takes a nap during a race? If we actually set this race up, regardless of the time or distance of the race, as long as the rabbit doesn't die of old age, that bunny's going to win it 100 times out of a 100. Slow and steady gets its reptillian ass handed to it by the rabbit, and you know what? That rabbit can even take a nap if it wants. It just doesn't matter.

A better analogy would be a race between a cheetah and a horse...and what the hell, let's throw in a tortoise as well, just for good measure. The race starts, the cheetah bolts far ahead of his opponents, goes a few hundred yards, collapses into a coughing, wheezing fit, leaving the horse to easily breezes through the finish line just as the tortoise finally reaches a full yard past the starting point.

Fast and steady wins the race. This not only applies to racing, but to every other form of competition as well, even intellectual and business related ones. Going steady is a good idea for everyone. That should be the real moral of the story. Slow only wins if fast is incredibly stupid. That cheetah could have walked the entire race and still have taken second. Or 'really slow and stupid people shouldn't compete', that's another good moral as well.

And with that premise firmly in mind, I now present to you a few classic fables and their REAL moral:


THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

While a grasshopper lazily relaxes during the summer, ants work hard and get enough food to store up for the winter. Winter comes and while the ants eat, the grasshopper dies.

Now, first of all, those ants aren't going to live to see the winter. The average life expectancy of an ant is 45-60 days. A grasshopper can live 4 months or so, but if it's summer, he probably won't live to see much of winter in any case, and the ants aren't even going to make it through fall, although they're a collective and have entirely different motivations from the grasshopper in any case.

Now, I know this isn't the point of the story, so let's assume they're people. The question really should be: is the grasshopper and the ant happy. Those ants are working like slaves so they can survive a winter and in the spring work like slaves again. Sure, the grasshopper's going to die, but he lived happy and free for a while, had good times, and now it's coming to a close. Would you rather live 40 years as a free vagabond or live 80 years of hard manual labor? The choice is yours. Of course, the grasshopper may have only had to do a little work in order to survive and if that's the case, than he's an idiot.

REAL MORAL: Every choice in life has its consequence OR Don't be stupid.


THE GOOSE THAT LAYS GOLDEN EGGS

Farmer has a goose that lays one golden egg a day. The farmer wants it all at once, so he cuts open to the goose to get the eggs, and finds none inside.

REAL MORAL: If you're going to be a farmer, then actually know something about farming, geese, how many eggs are normally inside a goose, and how much the goose must weigh in order for there to be several golden eggs inside it OR Don't be stupid.


THE HARE WITH MANY FRIENDS

A fox has a ton of friends, but when the hounds come, they all abandon him. The official moral is: those with many friends, have no friends.

This one is actually correct, but it doesn't explain why. In reality, if you spread your time amongst many people, than you never spend the time developing any strong relationships. The fable doesn't explain this, however, and just shows the poor fox get turned down by the horse, bull, ram, goat and calf...wait, why is a meat eater friends with a bunch of herbavores? You know, I bet they all got together, realized that the fox is going to be making snacks of their kids when it gets hungry, and then hired the hounds to bump him off. Also, the fox only asked five animals. Is that really too many friends? How many should you have?

REAL MORAL: Animals are dicks OR Don't have more than four friends.


THE HEIFER AND THE OX

Ox does all the work, heifer laughs at him, festival comes and the heifer's killed while the ox gets to live.

Well, here we are back at the 'work versus play' story. In this case though, the roles of the animals have already been defined for them. The ox and the cow didn't have any choice in the matter, so I'm not sure what Aesop thinks we're supposed to do with this one. It's not like the cow or the ox could have chosen to switch places, and even if the cow did work, they still would have killed it at the festival. Everyone ultimately has to pull their weight, and if someone is allowed to goof off and not contribute, it's certainly not going to last.

REAL MORAL: Sometimes our roles in life are decided at birth and we just have to live with it OR Don't worry, that asshole will get theirs.


THE LION AND THE MOUSE

The mouse pulls a pin out of a lion's paw for him, and then they become good friends. Aesop's moral: it's good to have small friends.

REAL MORAL: If you're not useful, you will be eaten.


THE LION, THE BEAR, AND THE FOX

A lion and a bear fight for a kid (I assume they mean a young goat, but who knows), pass out from exhaustion and a fox jumps in, grabs the kid and runs for it. The lion and bear than realize that sometimes you do all the work and than someone else gets all the profit.

And...what? What do we do with this moral? The only solution I see is killing every fox you come across. Sure, it may seem funny that they steal and get away with it, but soon enough you'll be the one who suffers. I don't think this is Aesop's point though.

REAL MORAL: Shit happens OR Kill all foxes


THE MAN THE BOY AND THE DONKEY/THE MAN WITH TWO DAUGHTERS

These stories are basically the same. A man tries to please everyone, and he winds up pleasing no one, or a man wants to make his daughters happy but they want opposite things. This is pretty much spot on, although I'd revise the moral slightly.

REAL MORAL: Screw those jerks.


THE FOX AND THE SOUR GRAPES

A fox can't reach some grapes, and so convinces himself that they must be sour, so he doesn't feel bad about losing them.

REAL MORAL: Well...there wasn't much of a moral to begin with really, except that self deception...exists. Yes, it certainly does exist, Aesop. Well spotted.

If that fox hadn't deceived himself...he still wouldn't have gotten the grapes, and he'd want them once more. Wait, let's try this again.

REAL MORAL (TAKE TWO): Self deception is your friend.


THE FOX AND THE HEDGEHOG

A fox lies injured, covered in blood sucking flies. A hedgehog (in a rare Aesop's fables appearance) stops by and offers to help, and the fox declines, saying that if those flies leave, than flies who haven't gotten any blood yet will drain him completely, and that the flies presently on him will only cause him to drop all his rings, which he will than regrab, and than allow the hedgehog to hold onto him as he flies up to the higher platforms, and than together they will reach the picture of the evil scientist before time runs out.

REAL MORAL: You have to press down while standing on the spinning platform in order to get through Carnival Night Zone.


THE SERPENT AND THE FILE

A serpent accidentally scratches himself against a metal file, and attacks it, breaking his fangs. Aesop's moral: It's pointless attacking the insensible.

REAL MORAL: Don't punch walls when you're angry. Your wife/girlfriend/mom will get mad, and eventually you're going to hit a stud one of these days OR Don't be stupid.


THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

Boy cries wolf, pisses everyone off, real wolf comes, boy cries wolf, nobody listens, and boy gets eaten.

REAL MORAL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!


THE SHIPWRECKED IMPOSTER

A chimpanzee is rescued by a dolphin, and on the way to shore, the chimp starts shooting his mouth off, acting like a big shot, and the dolphin knows he's lying, so he leaves him out there to die.

Doesn't that seem a bit harsh? Sure, the chimp was an ass, but the dolphin straight out killed him for it, 'Lifeboat' style. Isn't this the kind of thing that happens in horror movies? Guy in car picks up stranded guy. Guy he picked up says something that annoys him. Guy in car kills the stranded guy for it.

REAL MORAL: Don't mess with that dolphin, man. He's crazy.


THE DOG AND THE WOLF

The dog is fat and content, but the wolf is free and happy. It's better to be free than safe.

SAY WHAT?!!!

Didn't we have a grasshopper and cow die for choosing happiness over hard work?!

What is your deal Aesop?

I mean, this isn't just any moral you're contradicting here! This is the moral you keep restating over and over: do your job, keep your mouth shut and everything will be alright. Now you've done a complete Chauceresque 180 on us and want us to abandon our secure jobs in order to gain the freedom that you warned us not to take!

What should we do?! Should we be an ant securing our future through hard work...no, than we wouldn't be free and happy, so we should be free and happy like the grasshopper...and die in the winter, just like that cow...so we should have security like that ox and dog...and never have the freedom of the wolf...

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US AESOP?!!!

REAL MORAL: Silly animal stories aren't going to solve your problems.

OR

Life sucks. Deal.

OR

Don't be stupid (the swiss army knife of morals).


So until next week, remember:

"We can be knowledgable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom."

- Michel de Montaigne