DANG IT!

The power keeps going out. There's nothing I hate more (okay one thing, following people in cars) than having something I've written wiped out. Therefore, I'm going to post a few things I've posted on the questionswap forum.

I've even ended it with a letter I sent the creator of a 'fake' questionswap (used .net instead of .com), that intended to create an identical site, drum up advertising from people believing them to be the original site. I was downright merciless (in an ineffectual saturday morning supervillain kind of way).

Enough blather! Here we go:


Q. if leopards COULD change their spots, what shape or pattern do you think they'd change them to?

United Kingdom



A. Predator camouflage. Wouldn't it be awesome to have a chameleon-like giant killer cat? You're walking to your car, pull out your keys, and

*BAM!*

Leopard. It was invisible, sitting on the roof of your car.

The more I think of this idea, the more I like it. They'd probably mess with us too, looney tunes style. You know, removing a door, holding a doorhandle in their paw and then making themselves look like a door. Under your desk at work. Or they could go really advanced and look exactly like your briefcase/backpack.

The possiblities are nearly endless, but it's all just in fun. I mean, Leopards are stupid. Just about all animals are. So if they could change their spots, they'd probably change them into
duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


Q. where are you right now

United States


A. I'm right behind you.

No no. Don't look. That'll just spoil it.

Besides, if you look, then I'll simply be standing where you're not facing as of then.

I'm breathing on your neck now, ever so gently.

I'm reading over your shoulder as I slowly...wait a minute.

The screen isn't at questionswap.

This isn't you.

Where the hell am I?

Did I just break into a random person's house? Am I stalking for virtually no reason? That just takes the fun out of it. I mean, here I am trying to be a creepy super stalker, and now I'm just some freaked out whack job.

Man, now I'm depressed. Maybe I could still freak them out by...nah isn't worth it. I guess I'll just raid his fridge.

So to answer your question, I'm raiding a fridge in Freehold, New Jersey after committing breaking and entering for virtually no reason.

Here, let me double check my notes and...WOW! I was way off! You're nowhere near here. Sorry about that! I'll try harder next time.

See you tomorrow.


Q. fairtrade or not fairtrade?

United Kingdom


A. That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler allowing poor to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end poverty?
To defend: to control;
No more; and by an act of socialist market control to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that a world market is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To defend, to control;
To control: perchance to heal: ay, there's the rub;
For in that control what healing may come
When we have shuffled off this capitalist coil,
must give us pause: there's the respect
that makes calamity of so long a market system;
for who would bear the whips and underpayments of the oppressor's wrong,
the proud man's arrogance,
the pangs of lacked security,
the law's delay,
the insolence of upper management and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes,
when he himself is used like a complete tool, without any means to better themselves, and to be treated like livestock,
to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of being even worse off then they are,
the downward spiral into poverty the loathed country from whose bourn, almost no traveller returns,
puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
and thus the native hue of resolution
is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action.


Q. ahahaha the guy in the car chase was a fat black guy. awesome.

Australia


A. Really? Or in a movie?

The only fat black guy in a car chase I can remember in a movie was Ghost Dog and Lethal Weapon 3. Of course in Ghost Dog it wasn't so much a car chase as following each other in cars slowly (Vertigo style) and I'm not sure if Danny Glover counts as fat. I mean, he's a little pudgy, sure, Mel Gibson even makes a joke about it, but fat? Probably not.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're watching COPS, which makes the fact the guy in the car chase was a fat guy even more hilarious!

Why?

The inevitable chase on foot afterwards! His car crashes, he wobbles out and makes his way down the road in lumbering stomps. The cops walk up to him. He makes a mad dash for a house. The cops stop, have a small conversation and a quick smoke. The guy makes it halfway to the door. The cops stroll over to him. The criminal almost has a finger on the doorknob. The cops let themselves in through the back, give a through explaination and apology to the owners of the home, make it to the door just as the criminal is halfway through the door, and then gently roll him back to their car. After a few failed attempts they'll send for a larger car, and the announcer will says something along the lines of:

I guess he'll be...blah blah blah...next...blah blah blah...IN JAIL!




Q. 310345458045

United Kingdom



A. 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45.

No question? Aw, that incredibly huge number there looks kind of lonely. No words, no question mark, heck not even any commas between the numbers. It's sad enough to drive a man to sing.

310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number you will ever do...

Two can be as bad as 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45, it's the loneliest number since the number 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45...

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know...

Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know...

Cause 310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number that you'll ever know...

310 billion, 345 million, 458 thousand and 45 is the loneliest number even worst then two...

yeah

...


Dear webmaster@questionswap.net,

I, Blompkin, as a faithful user of the original questionswap, hereby challenge your puny website (not you, just the website) to a martial arts tournament to the death! Your band of feeble heroes are nothing compared to the awesome might of my ninja army of robots!

That is to say, they're robots who are also ninjas.

No, not like the foot clan in the ninja turtle cartoon, those were robots dressed like ninjas...or guys in purple hoods and second hand clothing.

No, these are the real deal, robots who are not only actually dressed like ninjas, but whom have also undergone extensive training in the art of ninjitsu, to turn them into veritable killing machines!

Actually they were already killing machines I suppose. I honestly got them in a bulk lot from Comedy Central after Battlebots went off the air. I superglued the ninja outfits to them and trained them in stealth, which was hard given that they don't have electronic brains or anything.

Indeed you are correct, that doesn't sound possible at all, but trust me! These are the real deal! They hunt, assassinate and disappear without a single trace, save for tire tracks and an incredibly loud whirring noise!

Okay, I've got to level with you. They aren't really ninjas. They're just dressed like them. I hot glued katanas to their sides. No, they can't swing them. They're controlled by a bunch of geeks that came with the robots as a set.

Regardless, I'm sure these robots are more than a match for your pathetic forces!

Right? Your forces aren't a match for my robots right?

I hope not, I got really ripped off on this deal.

Speaking of rip-offs, please come up with your own damn idea for a website.

I'll be in my ready room.